The Good Housekeeping Marriage Book

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The greatest number of questions arise between the ages of four and six.
After school entrance, questions recede gradually until by the ninth,
tenth, or eleventh year children have reached what is called the
questionless age. This is not an indifferent age--quite the
opposite--but spontaneous questions are less frequent. Possibly they are
crowded out by other interests, possibly bits of desultory information
satisfy for the moment; and there is always the gradual adoption of
reticence which takes place as children grow older.

At adolescence there is a keen revival of interest but more resistance
to open family discussion than in the pre-adolescent age. Maturing
children are touchy, sensitive, self-conscious, modest, seclusive. They
run to cover at too intimate a topic, especially in the hands of adults
who are inclined to strike a wrong note; to be preachy and teachy and
inquisitive and, in terms of the young adolescents themselves, "too darn
sexy!"

No matter what the age, whether pre-school, elementary school, or high
school, if questions are asked or interest is shown, explanations are
given in accordance with the age, understanding, and general background
of the child.

The questions that children ask are as the sands of the sea, yet sifted
and analyzed, they reveal a fairly uniform structure on which one may
build. It is a foursquare structure of pregnancy, birth, fertilization,
and mating, in the order named. They start with a concrete
situation--"Where did Mrs. Holmes get her baby?"--and the three others
follow in logical sequence. Of course, the pattern varies somewhat.

Well, where did Mrs. Holmes get her baby? You know and I know, yet the
thought of getting it all said to this young cherub in a brown snowsuit
makes us a bit fluttery. We didn't think that it would. "Oh, the baby.
All babies grow inside their mothers." How unbelievably simple! No birds
or bees or butterflies, or seeds planted under mothers' hearts. Just
"all babies grow inside their mothers." Six words.

Of course you may touch up the story. You will not want to leave it so
stark and bare. "They grow in a little place just made for them to grow
in. It's in here, the place is, in mothers," and you give a friendly pat
against your side. Many children ask where the place is, and many think
it is the stomach. Other children have said so. "The place is called the
uterus, u-t-e-r-u-s, and is a little sac that stretches as the baby
grows." You don't _have_ to say all this. Whether you do or not depends
upon your child. Some children, the younger ones, may let you off with a
word. Others must have more detail. It's all an individual matter.
Anyway, you keep on answering as long as the questions come, and _no
longer_. (Sometimes enthusiasm runs away with us.)

We need not be surprised, once the matter of pregnancy is established,
to be confronted with a swift second question, "How does the baby get
out of the mother?" Sure enough, how does he? About five years ago I put
this question to a class of high-school-senior girls and requested
written answers. "They are born"; "they leave the mother through an
opening"; "they come from the mother in some way"--these were the best
answers. Most of the others read, "I'm uncertain about it"; "it's very
hazy in my mind"; "I wish you would explain exactly"; "I've always
wondered"; and so on.

An explanation of the process of birth is the second foundation square
of the whole structure. Pregnancy is the first. One depends upon the
other, so we say: "In every mother there is a passage that leads from
the place where the baby is growing. When the baby is ready to live by
himself as a separate little person, he is brought down the passage and
out through an opening into the world. This coming into the world is
called being born. Another word for the same thing is 'birth.' Your
birthday is your being-born day."

Many mothers like to adopt a bit of drama that can be done with the
hands and arms to illustrate their verbal explanations. The pantomime
makes the story simpler and helps relieve self-consciousness. "Suppose
the baby grows in here," you say, cupping your hands together with the
wrists straight and parallel. "Between my wrists is the passageway
leading to the outside. When the baby is ready to be born, the
passageway widens and lets the baby through. It's a good deal like
swallowing, only the other way around. Your food slips down a passage
into your stomach, _out_ of sight. The baby slips down a passage _into_
sight!" There is your story of birth in a nutshell.

Little boys and girls, too, are often troubled at the thought of birth.
It seems an impossible feat. So you explain the contraction of the
muscles, the size of a newborn baby--"about as big as your Molly Lou
doll"--the position of the baby--"all folded up like a little
Jack-in-the-box." Most conscientiously you leave an impression of the
naturalness of the birth process. Not for worlds would you create any
feeling of distress or anxiety. Neither do you, as the mother, seek to
appropriate all the laurels. The children do not owe you love and
obedience because of "what you went through for them," and "that is the
reason I love you so" leaves father a bit out in the cold. No, birth
should not be presented as a sacrifice or an ordeal, but as a
fulfillment, a joyous fulfillment which mother and father together
share.

The two remaining foundation squares, fertilization and mating, take
more courage to answer. They strike so closely into the heart of
existing relationships. You are fearful, too, that the knowledge will be
misused, that it will lead to sex play and experimentation. You don't
know how to phrase the answer anyway. There are some things you just
can't put into words!

Let's see if one can't, and much more simply than you imagine. Your
Philip, or Philippa, who has just learned that babies grow in their
mothers, says: "I wonder what makes the babies start. How do they get in
their mothers in the first place?"

"Babies are not babies from the very start," you answer. "They have to
grow before they are born just as you grow now after you are born. Each
baby starts at first from the union of two tiny particles of living
matter called cells. One cell is in the father, one is in the mother.
These two particles must come together and unite away up in the mother
where the baby is to grow. When they do, then the baby begins to take
form."

Now for the next step, mating. No, it's not so difficult at all if you
have not neglected to build up a foundation for it as you went along.
For an understanding of the act of mating, the children must first be
familiar with the differences in body structure--that boys have an outer
organ, and the girls have a long, slender inner passage. Knowledge of
the first they acquired in the come-and-go of daily home association; of
the second, when they learned how a baby was born. In a discussion of
mating, it takes usually just the merest reference to these structural
differences for children to see immediately the mechanics of mating.
"Yes, these two parts fit closely together so that the father cells
(sperm cells) are able to pass over to the mother and up to the place
where the baby is to grow."

To many this will seem a very cold, stark, and inadequate presentation
of a deeply psychic experience. In these first explanations of human
reproduction, pregnancy, birth, fertilization, and mating, I believe it
would be out of place to try to bring about any considerable awareness
of either the sensuous or the emotional involvements in the act of
procreation. That knowledge comes later. But the feeling which all our
first teaching conveys is important. It is especially important in
relation to the three major experiences, pregnancy, birth, and mating,
about which so much resistance has centered in the past. Our teaching
should carry with it a natural acquiescence to Nature's own plan, rather
than any outward expression of our own mental philosophy toward it. Most
children, given a knowledge of the basic facts of reproduction, usually
grant them a ready and happy acceptance.

Those parents who met their children's questions and other expressions
of interest as they arose, and also those who were not able to, seek, as
junior-high-school days approach, the assurance that their children are
ready for that wider experience. "I don't know how much she knows--she
doesn't say anything, and she doesn't want me to." Certainly the last
thing one does is to probe or question. If you have reason to feel that
something must be done, you may go about it in several ways:

1. You may take the initiative by introducing into family conversation
some topic of current interest which will promote questions--incubator
babies, the Dionne quintuplets, child marriages, the recent
thirteen-year-old father.

2. Pets are marvelous biological laboratories--white mice, rabbits,
puppies, snakes, turtles. Of course there must be mates and matings.

3. Well-chosen books, not only sex-education books, but simple biologies
and Nature books as well, open up thought and discussion.

4. Visits to the zoological gardens, to natural-history museums and art
galleries, are valuable teaching experiences.

If the subject is not marred by too much realism or sentiment or
moralizing, older children will respond with interest to a discussion of
human reproduction. Even when a child is approachable, if your own
emotional balance is insecure, it is, perhaps, well to work out these
objective and tangible activities with the children, as with a fellow
student. The joint interest is a way of achieving in the end greater
poise for yourself.

Before we leave the subject of the biological aspects of sex teaching, a
word concerning preparation for maturing. In general, experience shows
that explanations of the outward phenomena which mark the onset of
adolescence--menstruation and seminal emissions--should be made to both
boys and girls long before they are likely to occur--at ten, surely, or
even earlier if questions arise. Many children become acquainted with
them through older children at school and receive not too pleasant
impressions. In pre-adolescence the whole matter can be presented so
that it is accepted objectively and impersonally. With both boys and
girls there is often a feeling of prideful expectancy, and some day you
may expect to hear a joyful announcement, "Mother, oh, Mother--it's
come!"

At this point I should like nothing better than to leave our teaching to
do its own good work for the children. But in the minds of parents there
is an ever recurring anxiety--the use to which the children will put
this new knowledge. Ideas are not, we know, soporific. They tend to
translate themselves into action. Will the children talk? And won't they
start experimenting? The matter of "talking outside" is rapidly taking
care of itself through the general adoption of sex-education teaching by
most young parents. Nobody runs around telling what everyone knows. It
has become a commonplace. Occasionally one may caution young school-age
children not to say much to the other children, but if they do in their
enthusiasm or in a casual moment, no great harm is done. Certainly one
does not punish for it.

Children who are overweighted either with too much sex knowledge or with
fears and cautions are usually the neighborhood offenders. One father
recently told me that he didn't dare give his son the usual terms for
his reproductive organs because he would go straight out and shout them
from the housetops. As a matter of fact, that was just what the boy was
doing with the substitute terms. Realizing that a wooden gun is as good
as a real one when it frightens everybody, the child used his substitute
terms to shock his father and the world at large. In reality, there
_are_ no substitute terms. Everyone knows them for what they are, and in
addition as confessions of weak courage.

Modern sex teaching is filling the great need of other days in its
adoption of correct terms for the functions of the body and its organs
as they apply to elimination and reproduction. It is an informal sort of
thing which comes along like a little companion of the more important
topics. Strange that so much that is visible should go nameless, while
hidden things like heart and stomach and lungs should be known! A young
five-year-old who adored his pretty nursery-school teacher took constant
note of the beauties of her person. Her eyes were so blue and her hair
was so wavy and her throat was so smooth, and when she bent over, "you
could see her _lungs!_"

In all this provision for your children's understanding, one thing we
counsel against. It is the choice of another person--friend, nurse,
minister, doctor--to take your place, unless that person has had special
sex-education training and possesses those personal qualifications
which fit him for the task. A scientific background is not enough. In
the near future we shall have college-trained leaders, not only trained
but college-sanctioned and selected. Until that time there is no lay
person so well qualified to teach children as their own intelligent
fathers and mothers. They are able to establish a valued inner and
progressive bond of confidence when their teaching has been happily and
wisely carried out. After all, in this age of transition when so much is
counted good that once was counted bad, and so much counted bad that was
once good, it doesn't matter much what our words are so long as they
convey reassurance, dependability, and a sense of the rightness of
living _with_ rather than _against_ the best of Nature's plans.

Does sex instruction tend to start misconduct--suggest to children that
they undress each other, play "father and mother," and does it impel to
too free speech and behavior? No, on the contrary, sex teaching, wisely
carried on, has proved itself to be the best of preventives. It has a
stabilizing influence and leaves the minds of the children free to turn
to other interests. My experience shows a high correlation between sex
misconduct and lack of adequate sex instruction.

Usually in childhood, sexual misconduct is not sexual at all in origin.
It has any number of causes and any number of guises. Most frequent of
the causes are: seeking to know, emotional stress, lack of a good time,
sex activity in others, premature sex experience.

Children who do not live in a cloud of mystery, whose mental horizon has
been cleared by simple explanations of observable facts--the differences
in physical structure of boys and girls, for example--are not likely to
be the aggressors or even onlookers in any neighborhood undressing
episode. It holds nothing for them.

On the other hand, a child may have a very clear idea of sex
differences, may have dressed and undressed freely with sister or
brother, and still be active in undressing episodes as an emotional
outlet. One such boy was mother-bound. He had been brought up a
goody-goody. In order to demonstrate that he was no sissy but a
thorough-going he-man of eleven, he headed a gang of girl tormentors.

Sex misconduct as recreation, as something to do, has a long record. In
a dull and dispirited world, girls and boys find the thrill of adventure
in games, clubs, and play of all kinds, with sex in its most unsavory
form as the central theme. A little nine-year-old who had been a
frequent offender was asked what in all the world she would like most to
do. Promptly she answered, "Go roller-skating." "Which would you rather
do, go roller-skating or play 'father and mother?'" With shining eyes
she answered, "Oh, go roller-skating!" There was no doubt of this
child's sincerity, no doubt of the drab, pinched quality of her meager
opportunity for childish fun.

Sex activity often has its origin in a home situation. In these days of
apartment dwelling and the crowding together of many families, a child
must be very inattentive indeed not to have gathered through
conversation and observation much firsthand knowledge of the adult
sexual relationship. Children should, of course, be aware of the love of
their fathers and mothers for each other as well as for themselves, but
love-making in its final forms is baffling and disturbing to their
emotional natures, and observation of it often leads to sex misconduct.

The most serious type of sex activity is that caused by a premature
sexual experience at the hands of some adult, often an elderly and
trusted person. Even if the episode occurred but once, and the offender
left, never to be seen again, a psychic injury or trauma frequently (not
always) results and manifests itself in obsessive sex behavior.

When premature sexual experience _is_ the motivating factor in sex
misconduct, most careful guidance is necessary, lest the future love
life be endangered. After relieving the child of feelings of guilt, the
conduct of the older offender must be explained in terms of his senility
or his mental state. "He is not normal." "He should be in a hospital."
It is important that this person's abnormal conduct does not represent
in the child's mind the natural sex pattern.

Faith in love-making and faith in love partners must be held intact. Yet
there should be no discussion of love and no real sex teaching at this
critical time. Sex instruction is a post-convalescent therapy. It should
not be used as an immediate or first-aid remedy for fear it may become
associated with a most distressing memory. Above all, family
conversations and speculations should be abandoned, for children are
sensitive to talk they do not even hear. A child who has suffered a
premature sexual experience at the hands of an older person needs all
that his family can give him of thoughtful consideration and
reassurance. Yet he should by no means feel himself a hero. Once the
story is told and accredited, it should sink into a friendly silence.

Whatever form sex misconduct takes--whether peeping and undressing,
playing "father and mother," using vulgar words, making offensive
drawings or writing unsavory verses, urinating in public--punishment in
any of its many forms tends to decrease the quick chances of recovery.
Humiliation, body-guarding (I never can trust you alone), confinement
(lock you up), emotional scenes (you've disgraced your family), threats
(I'll send you away)--strike deep into the emotional nature of the child
and destroy that integrity of spirit and belief in himself which he
needs for his restoration. Persistent probings and grillings will also
block progress.

Correction of any type of sex misdemeanor requires insight, forbearance,
a vast amount of emotional poise, and an understanding of contributing
causes. If lack of wholesome sex knowledge is the cause, then wise sex
instruction _without_ reference to past sins is the remedy. If
fixations, jealousies, or a too strict moral code at home are
responsible (and they often are responsible not only for the more active
forms of misconduct, but for masturbation, thumb-sucking, and other bad
habits as well), then the cure rests with the willingness of parents to
modify their own attitude and exactions. If the cause is a recreational
lack, new activities, new scenes and companions, new interests must be
supplied to break up the old associations and supply the needed zest for
life. If observation of adult relationships has taken place, a careful
explanation and interpretation of the act of mating is necessary to lift
the relationship into its legitimate and acceptable place.

The most difficult phase of sex education is the interpretation and
guidance of sex activities in childhood. Our traditional codes and
sanctions have measured their punishments out of all proportion to the
offense. In order to meet this type of conduct constructively, one must
avoid severe punishment, the awakening of a deep sense of guilt, and set
oneself to work out a quiet regimen of rehabilitation. Best of all, one
comforts oneself with the knowledge that, except in cases of psychic
trauma, studies reveal that there is little relationship between early
sex play and later delinquency.

Wise parents of today build a solid foundation for the sexual happiness
of their children. No longer do they withhold knowledge of love, mating,
and the renewal of life. They equip themselves with a thorough
understanding of the emotional nature of their children and of the
technique of presenting sex instruction. We of this generation are
seeing changes in thought and patterns of sex teaching and ethics. Codes
and sanctions are in transition. It is not that in the years to come we
shall have more knowledge or more freedom purely for the sake of
knowledge and freedom. It is that we and our children and our children's
children, who are tomorrow's men and women, shall live with more
serenity, more wisdom, and more joyousness in their love relationships
because of the foundations which we have built.

_William Lyon Phelps_

CHAPTER TEN

_Religion in the Home_

During my forty years of teaching college under-graduates, if the lesson
for the day was pertinent or an occasion afforded the opportunity, I
talked to the men in the classroom about their careers--not concerning
vocational training; what I emphasized was the right mental attitude
toward life itself, the perhaps inarticulate philosophy underlying all
choices and all ambitions.

I have always been able to speak more intimately to a group of young
people than to an individual. The individual must take the initiative. I
believe we have no more right to probe into the secret places of the
heart than we have to pick a man's pocket. Whenever a student came to me
alone and on his own, then I was willing and glad to discuss anything
with him. But I believe every man's personality is sacred: an
unauthorized or unasked-for attempt to enter it is the worst sort of
trespassing.

In the classroom anything may be discussed without embarrassment. No
teacher ever had a more intimate classroom than mine. For my main
interest in literature, which I taught professionally, is its relation
to men and women. Browning said his poetry dealt exclusively with the
human soul; and it so happens that four poems of Tennyson's which,
intentionally or not, are placed together, deal with four terrific
passions. The poems are "The First Quarrel," "Rizpah," "The Northern
Cobbler," and "The Revenge." They deal respectively with sex, mother
love, drink, and patriotism. All four have produced happiness, and all
four have produced murder. Life is dangerous.

Students naturally wish to be successful in their chosen careers. I told
them the greatest and most important career was marriage; that, unlike
other careers, marriage was a career open to every one of them. For
among the many and striking differences between male and female we may
observe this: not every woman can be married, but every man can. There
is always some woman who will marry him.

The highest happiness known on earth is in marriage. Every man who is
happily married is a successful man even if he has failed in everything
else. And every man whose marriage is a failure is not a successful man
even if he has succeeded in everything else. The great Russian novelist
Turgenev said he would give all his fame and all his genius if there
were only one woman who cared whether he came home late to dinner. It
would have been well if he had known this when he was young.

I told my students: "Young gentlemen, although very few of you are now
engaged to be married and not one of you is married, _your wives are
alive_; they are living now. You do not know their names or where they
are; but isn't it exciting to think that you are every moment drawing
nearer to each other? She is half an hour closer to you now than when
you entered this classroom. Some in California are sound asleep, for it
is before dawn; some are eating breakfast in New York City; some are
eating lunch in Europe. But all your wives are as real as if they were
already living with you. What do you intend to do about it?"

Those preparing for the law or medicine take special studies; those
preparing for athletic contests take special training. If they did not,
they would be idiotic. Those who are preparing for marriage should not
leave success to chance. For, while happiness is sometimes dependent on
luck, in the majority of instances it is not; happiness usually follows
the proper conditions.

Thus boys and girls, young men and women, will do well if they train
their bodies and their minds to be successful husbands and wives long
before marriage. It is worth it; for they are in training for the
highest prize obtainable on earth, and yet one open to and won by
millions.

Not being a physician and being ignorant of physiology, I know little
about the value of sex instruction. Yet however important sex
instruction may be to those about to be married, there is one thing more
important--character. Two people unselfish and considerate, tactful and
warmhearted, and salted with humor, who are in love, have the most
essential of all qualifications for a successful marriage--they have
_character_. People about to be married need training in character much
more than they need instruction in sex.

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