Stories of Comedy
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Various >> Stories of Comedy
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Happy light-heartedness of my countrymen! How kindly have they been
fortified by nature against the assaults of adversity; and if they
blindly rush into dangers, they cannot be denied the possession of
gallant hearts to fight their way out of them.
But each hurrah became less audible; by degrees the cheers dwindled into
faintness, and finally were lost in the eddies of the breeze.
The first feeling of loneliness that poor Barny experienced was when he
could no longer hear the exhilarating sound. The plash of the surge, as
it broke on the bows of his little boat, was uninterrupted by the
kindred sound of human voice; and, as it fell upon his ear, it smote
upon his heart. But he replied, waved his hat, and the silent signal was
answered from those on board the ship.
"Well, Barny," said Jemmy, "what was the captain sayin' to you at the
time you wor wid him?"
"Lay me alone," said Barny, "I'll talk to you when I see her out o'
sight, but not a word till thin. I'll look afther him, the rale
gintleman that he is, while there's a topsail of his ship to be seen,
and then I'll send my blessin' afther him, and pray for his good
fortune wherever he goes, for he's the right sort and nothin' else."
And Barny kept his word, and when his straining eye could no longer
trace a line of the ship, the captain certainly had the benefit of "a
poor man's blessing."
The sense of utter loneliness and desolation had not come upon Barny
until now; but he put his trust in the goodness of Providence, and in a
fervent mental outpouring of prayer resigned himself to the care of his
Creator. With an admirable fortitude, too, he assumed a composure to his
companions that was a stranger to his heart; and we all know how the
burden of anxiety is increased when we have none with whom to
sympathize. And this was not all. He had to affect ease and confidence,
for Barny not only had no dependence on the firmness of his companions
to go through the undertaking before them, but dreaded to betray to them
how he had imposed on them in the affair. Barny was equal to all this.
He had a stout heart, and was an admirable actor; yet, for the first
hour after the ship was out of sight, he could not quite recover
himself, and every now and then, unconsciously, he would look back with
a wishful eye to the point where last he saw her. Poor Barny had lost
his leader.
The night fell, and Barny stuck to the helm as long as nature could
sustain want of rest, and then left it in charge of one of his
companions, with particular directions how to steer, and ordered, if any
change in the wind occurred, that they should instantly awake him. He
could not sleep long, however; the fever of anxiety was upon him, and
the morning had not long dawned when he awoke. He had not well rubbed
his eyes and looked about him, when he thought he saw a ship in the
distance approaching them. As the haze cleared away, she showed
distinctly bearing down toward the hooker. On board the ship, the
hooker, in such a sea, caused surprise as before, and in about an hour
she was so close as to hail, and order the hooker to run under her lee.
"The devil a taste," said Barny. "I'll not quit my _nor-aist coorse_ for
the king of Ingland, nor Bonyparty into the bargain. Bad cess to you, do
you think I've nothin' to do but plaze you?"
Again he was hailed.
"Oh! bad luck to the toe I'll go to you."
Another hail.
"Spake loudher you'd betther," said Barny, jeeringly, still holding on
his course.
A gun was fired ahead of him.
"By my sowl you spoke loudher that time, sure enough," said Barny.
"Take care, Barny," cried Jemmy and Peter together. "Blur-an-agers, man,
we'll be kilt if you don't go to them."
"Well, and we'll be lost if we turn out iv our _nor-aist coorse_, and
that's as broad as it's long. Let them hit iz if they like; sure it ud
be a pleasanter death nor starvin' at say. I tell you agin I'll turn out
o' my _nor-aist coorse_ for no man."
A shotted gun was fired. The shot hopped on the water as it passed
before the hooker.
"Phew! you missed it, like your mammy's blessin'," said Barny.
"O murther!" said Jemmy, "didn't you see the ball hop aff the wather
forninst you. O murther, what 'ud we ha' done if we wor there at all at
all?"
"Why, we'd have taken the ball at the hop," said Barny, laughing,
"accordin' to the ould sayin'."
Another shot was ineffectually fired.
"I'm thinking that's a Connaughtman that's shootin'," said Barny, with a
sneer.[A] The allusion was so relished by Jemmy and Peter, that it
excited a smile in the midst of their fears from the cannonade.
[A] This is an allusion of Barny's to a prevalent saying in Ireland,
addressed to a sportsman who returns home unsuccessful, "So you've
killed what the Connaughtman shot at."
Again the report of the gun was followed by no damage.
"Augh! never heed them!" said Barny, contemptuously. "'It's a barkin'
dog that never bites,' as the owld sayin' says." And the hooker was soon
out of reach of further annoyance.
"Now, what a pity it was, to be sure," said Barny, "that I wouldn't go
aboord to plaze them. Now who's right? Ah, lave me alone always, Jimmy;
did you iver know me wrong yet?"
"O, you may hillow now that you are out o' the wood," said Jemmy, "but,
accordin' to my idays, it was runnin' a grate risk to be conthrary wid
them at all, and they shootin' balls afther us."
"Well, what matther?" said Barny, "since they wor only blind gunners,
_an' I knew it_; besides, as I said afore, I won't turn out o' my
_nor-aist coorse_ for no man."
"That's a new turn you tuk lately," said Peter. "What's the raison
you're runnin' a nor-aist coorse now, an' we never hear'd iv it afore at
all, till afther you quitted the big ship?"
"Why, thin, are you sich an ignoramus all out," said Barny, "as not for
to know that in navigation you must lie an a great many different tacks
before you can make the port you steer for?"
"Only I think," said Jemmy, "that it's back intirely we're goin' now,
and I can't make out the rights o' that at all."
"Why," said Barny, who saw the necessity of mystifying his companions a
little, "you see, the captain towld me that I kum around, an'
rekimminded me to go th' other way."
"Faix, it's the first time I ever heard o' goin' round by say," said
Jemmy.
"Arrah, sure, that's part o' the saycrets o' navigation, and the
varrious branches o' knowledge that is requizit for a navigator; and
that's what the captain, God bless him, and myself was discoorsin' an
aboord; and, like a rale gintleman as he is, Barny, says he; Sir, says
I; you've come the round, says he. I know that, says I, bekase I like to
keep a good bowld offin', says I, in contrairy places. Spoke like a good
sayman, says he. That's my principles, says I. They're the right sort,
says he. But, says he (no offence), I think you wor wrong, says he, to
pass the short turn in the ladie-shoes,[B] says he. I know, says I, you
mane beside the three-spike headlan'. That's the spot, says he, I see
you know it. As well as I know my father, says I."
[B] Some offer Barny is making at latitudes.
"Why, Barny," said Jemmy, interrupting him, "we seen no headlan' at
all."
"Whisht, whisht!" said Barny, "bad cess to you, don't thwart me. We
passed it in the night, and you couldn't see it. Well, as I was saying,
I knew it as well as I know my father, says I, but I gev the preference
to go the round, says I. You're a good sayman for that same, says he,
an' it would be right at any other time than this present, says he, but
it's onpossible now, tee-totally, on account o' the war, says he. Tare
alive, says I, what war? An' didn't you hear o' the war? says he. Divil
a word, says I. Why, says he, the naygers has made war on the king o'
Chaynee, says he, bekase he refused them any more tay; an' with that,
what did they do, says he, but they put a lumbargo on all the vessels
that sails the round, an' that's the rayson, says he, I carry guns, as
you may see; and I rekimmind you, says he, to go back, for you're not
able for thim, and that's jist the way iv it. An' now, wasn't it looky
that I kem acrass him at all, or maybe we might be cotch by the naygers,
and ate up alive."
"O, thin, indeed, and that's thrue," said Jemmy and Peter, "and whin
will we come to the short turn?"
"O, never mind," said Barny, "you'll see it when you get there; but wait
till I tell you more about the captain, and the big ship. He said, you
know, that he carried guns afeard o' the naygers, and in troth it's the
hoight o' care he takes o' them same guns; and small blame to him, sure
they might be the salvation of him. 'Pon my conscience, they're taken
betther care of than any poor man's child. I heerd him cautionin' the
sailors about them, and givin' them ordhers about their clothes."
"Their clothes!" said his two companions at once, in much surprise; "is
it clothes upon cannons?"
"It's thruth I'm tellin' you," said Barny. "Bad luck to the lie in it,
he was talkin' about their aprons and their breeches."
"O, think o' that!" said Jemmy and Peter, in surprise.
"An' 't was all iv a piece," said Barny, "that an' the rest o' the ship
all out. She was as nate as a new pin. Throth, I was a'most ashamed to
put my fut on the deck, it was so clane, and she painted every color in
the rainbow; and all sorts o' curiosities about her; and instead iv a
tiller to steer her, like this darlin' craythur iv ours, she goes wid a
wheel, like a coach all as one; and there's the quarest thing you iver
seen, to show the way, as the captain gev me to understan', a little
round rowly-powly thing in a bowl, that goes waddlin' about as if it
didn't know its own way, much more nor show anybody theirs. Throth,
myself thought that if that's the way they're obliged to go, that it's
with a great deal of fear and thrimblin' they find it out."
Thus it was that Barny continued most marvellous accounts of the ship
and the captain to his companions, and by keeping their attention so
engaged, prevented their being too inquisitive as to their own immediate
concerns, and for two days more Barny and the hooker held on their
respective courses undeviatingly.
The third day Barny's fears for the continuity of his _nor-aist coorse_
were excited, as a large brig hove in sight, and the nearer she
approached, the more directly she appeared to be coming athwart Barny's
course.
"May the divil sweep you," said Barny, "and will nothin' else sarve you
than comin' forninst me that away? Brig-a-hoy there!" shouted Barny,
giving the tiller to one of his messmates, and standing at the bow of
his boat. "Brig-a-hoy there!--bad luck to you, go 'long out o' my
_nor-aist coorse_." The brig, instead of obeying him, hove to, and lay
right ahead of the hooker. "O, look at this!" shouted Barny, and he
stamped on the deck with rage,--"look at the blackguards where they're
stayin', just a-purpose to ruin an unfortunate man like me. My heavy
hathred to you, quit this minit, or I'll run down an yes, and if we go
to the bottom, we'll haunt you forevermore,--go 'long out o' that, I
tell you. The curse o' Crummil on you, you stupid vagabones, that won't
go out iv a man's nor-aist coorse!"
From cursing Barny went to praying as he came closer. "For the tendher
marcy o' heaven an' lave my way. May the Lord reward you, and get out o'
my nor-aist coorse! May angels make your bed in heavin and don't ruinate
me this a way." The brig was immovable, and Barny finished with a duet
volley of prayers and curses together, apostrophizing the hard case of a
man being "done out o' his nor-aist coorse."
"A-hoy there!" shouted a voice from the brig, "put down your helm or
you'll be aboard of us. I say, let go your jib and foresheet,--what are
you about, you lubbers?"
'Twas true that the brig lay so fair in Barny's course, that he would
have been aboard, but that instantly the manoeuvre above alluded to
was put in practice on board the hooker; as she swept to destruction
toward the heavy hull of the brig, he luffed up into the wind alongside
her. A very pale and somewhat emaciated face appeared at the side, and
addressed Barny.
"What brings you here?" was the question.
"Throth, thin, and I think I might betther ax what brings _you_ here,
right in the way o' my _nor-aist coorse_."
"Where do you come from?"
"From Kinsale; and you didn't come from a betther place, I go bail."
"Where are you bound to?"
"To Fingal."
"Fingal,--where's Fingal?"
"Why then, ain't you ashamed o' yourself an' not to know where Fingal
is?"
"It is not in these seas."
"O, and that's all you know about it," says Barny.
"You're a small craft to be so far at sea. I suppose you have provisions
on board?"
"To be sure we have; throth if we hadn't, this id be a bad place to go a
beggin'."
"What have you eatable?"
"The finest o' scalpeens."
"What are scalpeens?"
"Why, you're mighty ignorant intirely," said Barny; "why, scalpeens is
pickled mackerel."
"Then you must give us some, for we have been out of everything eatable
these three days; and even pickled fish is better than nothing."
It chanced that the brig was a West India trader, which unfavorable
winds had delayed much beyond the expected period of time on her voyage,
and though her water had not failed, everything eatable had been
consumed, and the crew reduced almost to helplessness. In such a strait
the arrival of Barny O'Reirdon and his scalpeens was a most providential
succor to them, and a lucky chance for Barny, for he got in exchange for
his pickled fish a handsome return of rum and sugar, much more than
equivalent to their value. Barny lamented much, however, that the brig
was not bound for Ireland, that he might practice his own peculiar
system of navigation; but as staying with the brig could do no good, he
got himself put into his _nor-aist coorse_ once more, and ploughed away
toward home.
The disposal of his cargo was a great godsend to Barny in more ways than
one. In the first place, he found the most profitable market he could
have had; and, secondly, it enabled him to cover his retreat from the
difficulty which still was before him of not getting to Fingal after all
his dangers, and consequently being open to discovery and disgrace. All
these beneficial results were thrown away upon one of Barny's readiness
to avail himself of every point in his favor: and, accordingly, when
they left the brig, Barny said to his companions, "Why, thin, boys, 'pon
my conscience, but I'm as proud as a horse wid a wooden leg this minit,
that we met them poor unfort'nate craythers this blessed day, and was
enabled to extind our charity to them. Sure, an' it's lost they'd be
only for our comin' acrass them, and we, through the blessin' o' God,
enabled to do an act o' marcy, that is, feedin' the hungry; and sure
every good work we do here is before uz in heaven,--and that's a comfort
anyhow. To be sure, now that the scalpeens is sowld, there's no use in
goin' to Fingal, and we may as well jist go home."
"Faix, I'm sorry myself," said Jemmy, "for Terry O'Sullivan said it was
an iligant place intirely, an' I wanted to see it."
"To the divil wid Terry O'Sullivan," said Barny; "how does he know
what's an iligant place? What knowledge has he of iligance! I'll go bail
he never was half as far a navigatin' as we,--he wint the short cut, I
go bail, and never dar'd for to vinture the round, as I did."
"By dad, we wor a great dale longer anyhow than he towld me he was."
"To be sure we wor," said Barny; "he wint skulkin' in by the short cut,
I tell you, and was afeard to keep a bowld offin' like me. But come,
boys, let uz take a dhrop o' the bottle o' sper'ts we got out o' the
brig. By gor, it's well we got some bottles iv it; for I wouldn't much
like to meddle wid that darlint little kag iv it antil we get home." The
rum was put on its trial by Barny and his companions, and in their
critical judgment was pronounced quite as good as the captain of the
ship had bestowed upon them, but that neither of those specimens of
spirit was to be compared to whiskey. "By dad," says Barny, "they may
rack their brains a long time before they'll make out a purtier
invintion than _potteen_,--that rum may do very well for thim that has
the misforthin' not to know betther; but the whiskey is a more nathral
sper't accordin' to my idays." In this, as in most other of Barny's
opinions, Peter and Jemmy coincided.
Nothing particular occurred for the two succeeding days, during which
time Barny most religiously pursued his _nor-aist coorse_, but the third
day produced a new and important event. A sail was discovered on the
horizon, and in the direction Barny was steering, and a couple of hours
made him tolerably certain that the vessel in sight was an American, for
though it is needless to say that he was not very conversant in such
matters, yet from the frequency of his seeing Americans trading to
Ireland, his eye had become sufficiently accustomed to their lofty and
tapering spars, and peculiar smartness of rig, to satisfy him that the
ship before him was of transatlantic build; nor was he wrong in his
conjecture.
Barny now determined on a manoeuvre, classing him among the first
tacticians at securing a good retreat.
Moreau's highest fame rests upon his celebrated retrograde movement
through the Black Forest.
Xenophon's greatest glory is derived from the deliverance of his ten
thousand Greeks from impending ruin by his renowned retreat.
Let the ancient and the modern hero "repose under the shadow of their
laurels," as the French have it, while Barny O'Reirdon's historian, with
a pardonable jealousy for the honor of his country, cuts down a goodly
bough of the classic tree, beneath which our Hibernian hero may enjoy
his _otium cum dignitate_.
Barny calculated the American was bound for Ireland, and as she lay
_almost_ as directly in the way of his "nor-aist coorse" as the
West-Indian brig, he bore up to and spoke her.
He was answered by a shrewd Yankee captain.
"Faix, an' it's glad I am to see your honor again," said Barny.
The Yankee had never been to Ireland, and told Barny so.
"O, throth, I couldn't forget a gintleman so aisy as that," said Barny.
"You're pretty considerably mistaken now, I guess," said the American.
"Divil a taste," said Barny, with inimitable composure and pertinacity.
"Well, if you know me so tarnation well, tell me what's my name." The
Yankee flattered himself he had nailed Barny now.
"Your name, is it?" said Barny, gaining time by repeating the question;
"why, what a fool you are not to know your own name."
The oddity of the answer posed the American, and Barny took advantage of
the diversion in his favor, and changed the conversation.
"By dad, I've been waitin' here these four or five days, expectin' some
of you would be wantin' me."
"Some of us!--How do you mean?"
"Sure, an' ar'n't you from Amerikay?"
"Yes; and what then?"
"Well, I say I was waitin' for some ship or other from Amerikay, that ud
be wantin' me. It's to Ireland you're goin'?"
"Yes."
"Well, I suppose you'll be wantin' a pilot," said Barny.
"Yes, when we get in shore, but not yet."
"O, I don't want to hurry you," said Barny.
"What port are you a pilot of?"
"Why, indeed, as for the matther o' that," said Barny, "they're all
aiqual to me a'most."
"All?" said the American. "Why, I calculate you couldn't pilot a ship
into all the ports of Ireland."
"Not all at wanst," said Barny, with a laugh, in which the American
could not help joining.
"Well, I say, what ports do you know best?"
"Why, thin, indeed," said Barny, "it would be hard for me to tell; but
wherever you want to go, I'm the man that'll do the job for you
complate. Where is your honor goin'?"
"I won't tell you that,--but do you tell me what ports you know best?"
"Why, there's Watherford, and there's Youghal, an' Fingal."
"Fingal,--where's that?"
"So you don't know where Fingal is. O, I see you're a sthranger,
sir,--an' then there's Cork."
"You know Cove, then?"
"Is it the Cove o' Cork?"
"Yes."
"I was bred and born there, and pilots as many ships into Cove as any
other two min _out_ of it."
Barny thus sheltered his falsehood under the idiom of his language.
"But what brought you so far out to sea?" asked the captain.
"We wor lyin' out lookin' for ships that wanted pilots, and there kem an
the terriblest gale o' wind aff the land, an' blew us to say out
intirely, an' that's the way iv it, your honor."
"I calculate we got a share of the same gale; 'twas from the nor-east."
"O, directly!" said Barny, "faith, you're right enough. 'Twas the
_nor-aist coorse_ we wor an sure enough; but no matther now that we've
met wid you,--sure we'll have a job home anyhow."
"Well, get aboard then," said the American.
"I will, in a minit, your honor, whin I jist spake a word to my comrades
here."
"Why, sure it's not goin' to turn pilot you are," said Jemmy, in his
simplicity of heart.
"Whisht, you omadhaun!" said Barny, "or I'll cut the tongue out o' you.
Now mind me, Pether. You don't undherstan' navigashin and the varrious
branches o' knowledge, an' so all you have to do is to folly the ship
when I get into her, an' I'll show you the way home."
Barny then got aboard the American vessel, and begged of the captain,
that as he had been out at sea so long, and had gone through "a power o'
hardship intirely," he would be permitted to go below and turn in to
take a sleep, "for in throth it's myself and sleep that is sthrayngers
for some time," said Barny, "an' if your honor'll be plazed I'll be
thankful if you won't let them disturb me antil I'm wanted, for sure
till you see the land there's no use for me in life, an' throth I want a
sleep sorely."
Barnes request was granted, and it will not be wondered at, that after
so much fatigue of mind and body, he slept profoundly for
four-and-twenty hours. He then was called, for land was in sight, and
when he came on deck the captain rallied him upon the potency of his
somniferous qualities, and "calculated" he had never met any one who
could sleep "four-and-twenty hours at a stretch before."
"O sir," said Barny, rubbing his eyes, which were still a little hazy,
"whiniver I go to sleep I pay attintion to it."
The land was soon neared, and Barny put in charge of the ship, when he
ascertained the first landmark he was acquainted with; but as soon as
the Head of Kinsale hove in sight, Barny gave a "whoo," and cut a caper
that astonished the Yankees, and was quite inexplicable to them, though,
I flatter myself, it is not to those who do Barny the favor of reading
his adventures.
"O, there you are, my darlint ould head! An' where's the head like o'
you? Throth, it's little I thought I'd ever set eyes an your
good-looking faytures agin. But God's good!"
In such half-muttered exclamations, did Barny apostrophize each
well-known point of his native shore, and when opposite the harbor of
Kinsale, he spoke the hooker that was somewhat astern, and ordered
Jemmy and Peter to put in there, and tell Molly immediately that he was
come back, and would be with her as soon as he could, after piloting the
ship into Cove. "But an your apperl don't tell Pether Kelly o' the big
farm, nor, indeed, don't mintion to man or mortial about the navigation
we done antil I come home myself and make them sensible o' it, bekase,
Jemmy and Pether, neither o' yiz is aqual to it, and doesn't undherstan'
the branches o' knowledge requizit for discoorsin' o' navigation."
The hooker put into Kinsale, and Barny sailed the ship into Cove. It was
the first ship he ever had acted the pilot for, and his old luck
attended him; no accident befell his charge, and, what was still more
extraordinary, he made the American believe he was absolutely the most
skilful pilot on the station. So Barny pocketed his pilot's fee, swore
the Yankee was a gentleman, for which the republican did not thank him,
wished him good by, and then pushed his way home with what Barny swore
was the aisiest-made money he ever had in his life. So Barny got himself
paid for piloting the ship that showed him the way home.
HADDAD-BEN-AHAB THE TRAVELLER.
BY JOHN GALT.
Haddad-Ben-Ahab was a very wise man, and he had several friends, men of
discernment, and partakers of the wisdom of ages; but they were not all
so wise as Haddad-Ben-Ahab. His sentences were short, but his knowledge
was long, and what he predicted generally came to pass, for he did not
pretend to the gift of prophecy. The utmost he ever said in that way
was, that he expected the sun to rise to-morrow, and that old age was
the shadow of youth.
Besides being of a grave temperament, Haddad-Ben-Ahab was inclined to
obesity; he was kindly and good-natured to the whole human race; he even
carried his benevolence to the inferior creation, and often patted his
dogs on the head and gave them bones; but cats he could not abide. Had
he been a rat he could not have regarded them with more antipathy; and
yet Haddad-Ben-Ahab was an excellent man, who smoked his chibouque with
occasional cups of coffee and sherbet, interspersed with profound
aphorisms on the condition of man, and conjectures on the delights of
paradise.
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