Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, October 27, 1920
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, October 27, 1920
'TIS sweet in darkish times like these to see a
Rent in the veil which keeps the public blind,
And thus obtain a pretty shrewd idea
Of what goes on behind;
To note how quite an innocent report'll
Reveal apparent trifles which befall,
Proving that men whom we supposed immortal
Are human after all.
But here, while I can hardly call you blameful
For smoking "free" cigars with so much zest,
Frankly I feel 'twas little short of shameful
To go and pinch the rest.
I can forgive your huge hotel expenses;
Your beef was rightly of a super-cut;
A modicum of wine does whet the senses;
But those cigars--tut, tut!
For there's a finer aid to meditation,
Much more appropriate, in my humble view,
When Nation nestles cheek by jowl with Nation,
And far, far cheaper too.
So, if you'd really slay Bellona's bow-wows,
Might I suggest your vicious ways should cease,
And that in future you conduct your pow-wows
Over the pipe of peace.
* * * * *
An Affectionate Diminutive.
"Lord Buxton, who retired this summer from the post of High
Commissioner and Governor-General of South Africa, has been made an
early."--_Daily Paper._
* * * * *
A correspondent, referring to Mr. Punch's quotation (from an Australian
paper) of the title of a song, "It was a Lover and His Last," suggests
"_Ne_ suitor _ultra crepidam._"
* * * * *
On the coal strike:--
"We look to the Government to keep all doors open. We look to the
public to keep cool."--_Westminster Gazette._
The public should have no difficulty in doing its part if the Government
do theirs.
* * * * *
[Illustration:
TRANSPORT: PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Giles._ "I DIDN'T 'ARDLY AGREE WI' THE VICAR IN WOT 'E
SAID ABOUT THEM EARLY MARTYRS BEIN' THROWN TO THE LIONS AN' BURNT AT THE
STAKE AN' LIVIN' ON FOR EVER."
_Curate._ "WHY NOT?"
_Giles._ "WELL, ZUR, NO CONSTITOOTION COULD STAND IT."]
* * * * *
THE CONSPIRATORS.
V.
MY DEAR CHARLES,--Let me remind you that the Bolshevist conspirator has
to stir up conflagrations in other countries without leaving his own.
Passports and things are put in to make it more difficult when he comes
to getting his inflammable material and directions for use over the
frontier. So he has to invent a way over the obstacles.
The first prize is awarded to the following: Secret instructions are
printed in Arabic and the pages containing them are bound up in a five
hundred page book in that language. The courier, an Oriental, carries
this book openly in his hand when he presents himself at the frontier.
It is ten to one that an innocent-looking book, thus carried, will not
be suspected; a hundred to one against there being an official capable
of reading it; five hundred to three against that official trying one of
the guilty pages, if he is there and duly suspicious. Yet, with a
hundred and sixty-six thousand chances against it, our Little Man got
hold of those instructions.
The Sherlock Holmes of fiction is a gaunt figure, with a hatchet face,
spare of flesh. Our Little Man is a chubby lad, standing about four foot
ten in his stockinged feet, rubicund and corpulent, and he wears a
mackintosh with a very mackintoshy smell in all weathers. He never did a
day's work, and he never means to try, but he is a genius at getting it
out of others. Some say he is of Swiss origin, some say he is American,
and some say that surely he must be Chinese; he was never certain
himself until Czecho-Slovak was invented, and he plumped for that. He
has the degree of Master of Arts; what arts I don't know; probably the
black ones. His inner knowledge of the human species seems to give him
plenty to laugh at. He notices everything, forgets nothing, and there is
never a weakness in a man but he is on to it. He made up his mind that
those secret instructions were passing and set about to find how they
passed and what they were. He was too lazy to begin at the beginning, so
he began at the end. He called in person, as a commercial traveller, at
the suspected office of destination, and in the short time available
ascertained that the door-keeper who turned him out was a patriotic and
fervent admirer of the wine of the country.
Our Little Man had no vulgar idea of getting the secret out of him by
making him drunk. If there was a secret it wouldn't be in the
door-keeper. But he and that door-keeper got to drinking together and
the door-keeper did all the paying; the drinking and the paying went on
by progressive degrees till the door-keeper had no money and only a
still almighty thirst left. The Little Man left him with his thirst for
a few days, until it became intolerable, and the door-keeper insisted
that something simply must be done about it. The Little Man regretted
that he could not give the necessary money to finance further orgies,
but he would gladly advance it. Four nights got the door-keeper well in
his debt, and our Little Man then began to talk about repayment. The
door-keeper said he had no money; the Little Man said he must get it.
Off whom? His employer.
How was the door-keeper to get his employer's money off him? By selling
him a safe. Our Little Man then divulged that he was in reality a
commercial traveller in safes; if the door-keeper would get his employer
to buy one of his safes the Little Man would forgive him his debt by way
of commission. He felt sure that the Head of the Office had a weakness
for precautions. The door-keeper, now enthusiastic, said he should just
think he had! The Little Man felt he was getting warm. The door-keeper
put the deal through and prevailed upon his master to instal a really
safe safe in the office, instead of the old one. You had only to look at
it to see it was impregnable by fire, water or the King's Enemies. But
one set of keys stayed with the Little Man.
The drinking (by both) and the paying (by the door-keeper) were resumed.
When the debt was again large enough the Little Man imposed new terms.
This time he wanted to see the Head of the Office himself, to put
further deals through. The door-keeper thought deeply, but could see no
harm in this. The Little Man was thus introduced into the presence, and
startled it by pointing to the safe and offering to do burglar on it any
night of the week. The Head was manifestly concerned.
"We have here," said the Little Man, producing two formidable slabs of
steel hinged together and leaving room between them when locked for a
wad of papers only--"we have here a special strong box exactly suited
for the storage of your bank-notes. Put them in this box, and the box in
the safe, and then you really are ahead of your enemies."
The Head bought. He gave the Little Man less money than he had spent on
the strong box, and the Little Man gave him less keys than he was
entitled to. The drinking and the debt were resumed, and, when it came
to a question of settlement for the third time, the Little Man pointed
out to the door-keeper that, if he hadn't the money to repay, then he
must steal it. He now divulged that he was not really a broker, but a
breaker of safes and strong boxes. He handed the door-keeper a key of
his employer's safe. In the safe would be found the strong box. In the
strong box would be found some notes of high value, unless he was very
much mistaken.
So the door-keeper went and opened the safe and returned. And the Little
Man opened the strong box, and he _was_ very much mistaken. There was
never a note there; just half-a-dozen pages torn out of a book printed
in Arabic.
He was so angry that he gave the strong box one on the lid for itself,
with the result that he couldn't lock it again. However, he said he had
a friend who could lock or unlock anything, and he left the door-keeper
drinking, for the first time at the Little Man's expense, while he took
off the box to be repaired by his friend. The latter happened to be in
the next room with a camera. The pages were photographed; the Little Man
returned to the door-keeper with the strong box, now capable of being
re-locked; the door-keeper returned to the office and put back the
strong box, locked, into the safe, which he also locked, and was wiping
the sweat off his forehead and congratulating himself that no one was
the worse, when he was startled to find a policeman had been watching
him all the time.
But he proved to be a very amenable policeman. He said he would take no
action before he and the door-keeper had had time to talk it over next
day. By the time that talk came the photographs had been developed,
printed and translated. But the policeman did not wish to bore the
door-keeper with the tiresome details. To put it quite shortly the
policeman thought it was a most excellent crime, worthy of repetition at
intervals.
Yours ever, HENRY.
(_To be continued._)
* * * * *
[Illustration: CONCENTRATION.]
* * * * *
NEW RHYMES FOR OLD CHILDREN.
THE ----.
I NEVER know why it should be
So rude to talk about the ----.
What funny folk we are!
I think we've got the jealous hump
Because we see we'll never jump
So skilfully and far.
For, if one's nibbled by a gnat
Or harvest-bugs or things like that,
One seldom keeps it dark;
One may enlarge upon the tale
If one is gobbled by a whale
Or swallowed by a shark;
But if you speak about the bite
Of this abandoned parasite
You're very, very rash;
So sure is it to raise a frown
I dare not even write it down;
I simply put a ----.
None but an entomologist
Will quite admit the things exist,
And generally _they_ insist
On using other names;
For, when at night Professors leap
Out of their scientific sleep
Because these little devils keep
Playing their usual games,
They never shout, "It seems to be
A something, something, something ----!"
(The word is never used, you see,
Except by artisans);
No, as they fling the bedclothes high
They give a wild but cultured cry,
"Confound it! Botheration! Hi!
A _Pulex irritans_!" A. P. H.
* * * * *
Our Ruthless Motorists.
"Triumph 1920 4 h.p. Model H, also Baby, both brand new; sacrifice,
L5 off each."
_Motor Journal._
* * * * *
"It was intended to hold mock trials in order to familiarise women
with court procedure and 'legal shibboleths.'
When I saw her to-day, Miss ---- said that 'techniaclities' would
have been a better word."--_Evening Paper._
We hate to contradict a lady, but we cannot agree.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Aggrieved Profiteeress_ (_studying photographs of the
Peerage_). "WELL, I DON'T SEE AS THEY'VE ANY CALL TO LOOK THAT 'AUGHTY.
LIKE AS NOT ME AN' YOU'D BE WEARIN' CORONETS THIS MINUTE IF ALL OUR
ANCESTORS 'ADN'T A-BEEN CUT OFF IN THE WARS OF THE ROSES, OR
SOMETHINK."]
* * * * *
WORKING FOR PEACE.
(_Extracts from the Diary of Mr. John Robert Boffkins, Trade Union
Leader._)
_Monday._--Rose with a heart over-flowing with love towards my
fellow-men. Industrial strife must cease. Strikes are a barbarous and
futile method of redressing wrong. Rather think that an increase in
wages of two shillings a day would appeal to our members. Must inquire.
_Tuesday._--Have confirmed my opinion that a two-shillings' increase
would appeal to our members. They all seem enthusiastic over the
suggestion. They appear to be under the impression that the idea is
their own. It is not. It is mine. If it materialises I shall be most
popular. But I am all for peace. A strike is out of the question. I
shall spare no effort to prevent one.
_Wednesday._--Presented formal demand to employers to-day. Told our
members they must be firm to the bitter end. The two-shillings' increase
is their strict due, and, if we present a united front, the grasping
capitalist will be brought to his knees. Am working night and day for
peace.
_Thursday._--Pointed out to the employers that a strike is inevitable
unless they give way. We can make no concession. My whole energies are
concentrated on preventing a strike. Told our members that unless they
remain firm the employers will crush them. A strike would be a national
calamity and might spell ruin to the country.
_Friday._--The possibility of a strike looms larger. Can nothing be done
to prevent it? Informed the employers that we declined to abate one iota
of our claim. "All or nothing" is our motto. Also refused to go to
arbitration. Warned the employers that a strike means starvation for
women and children. The prospect appals me.
_Saturday._--The employers, who seem to be determined on a strike, have
offered the men two shillings if they will consider the question of
working five days a week instead of four. We refused their offer and
demanded that our claim should be conceded unconditionally by noon,
failing which our members would cease work.
_Later._--The strike has commenced. Heaven knows that I did everything
to prevent it which human being could do. The capitalists seem to have
made up their minds to force civil war and all its horrors upon the
country. The spectacle of little children starving causes me acute
distress.
* * * * *
A GUIDE TO GREATNESS.
[Mr. JACOB EPSTEIN maintains in _The Daily Mail_ that a man
to be a creative genius must lead an orderly domesticated
life.]
I COURTED the Muse as a stripling,
Immured in a Bloomsbury flat,
And yearned for the kudos of KIPLING
For fees that were frequent and fat;
But editors, far from discerning
The worth of the pearls that I placed
At their feet, had a way of returning
The same with indelicate haste.
But, espousing, a year or two later,
The sweetest and neatest of wives,
I found, after peeling a tater
Or imparting a polish to knives,
I could scribble with frenzy and passion,
That the breaking of coal would inspire,
In a truly remarkable fashion,
My soul with celestial fire.
Serenity reigns in the household;
I've cancelled my grudge against Fate;
My lyrical efforts are now sold
At a simply phenomenal rate;
And, whether I'm laying the lino
Or bathing the babes, I regard
The job as a cushy one: _I_ know
The way to succeed as a bard.
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE SCALES OF JUSTICE.
SIR ROBERT HORNE. "I WANT TO KEEP THE BALANCE. NOW THEN, BOTH TOGETHER."
THE MINER. "NO. _YOU_ BEGIN--AND THEN PERHAPS I'LL THINK ABOUT IT."]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _P. C. GREENWOOD._ "ARRAH! GET OUT WID YEZ AND LET THE
LADY PASS."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
_Tuesday, October 19th._--A start was made with half a hundred
Questions, and, considering that most of them had been in cold storage
since before the Recess, it was surprising how fresh they remained.
Persia and Mesopotamia--not to mention Ireland--are still unsettled; the
Turkish Treaty is not yet ratified; the cost of living continues to
rise, and the ratio of unemployment has alarmingly advanced, especially
in the case of ex-service men.
These last are to be found work in the building trades, with, it is
hoped, the assistance of the trade unions, but, if that hope is
disappointed, then without it. The country requires half-a-million
houses built. "Here are men who could assist," said the PRIME MINISTER,
"and we propose that they should be allowed to assist."
Over a prospect already sufficiently bleak there broods the shadow of
the coal-strike. Sir ROBERT HORNE, in presenting the case for the
Government, was admirably clear but, perhaps naturally, a little cold.
Only when the new lighting arrangement had flooded the House with
artificial sunshine did the Minister warm up a little and hint that a
way of peace might yet be found.
I wonder if it was by accident or artifice that Mr. BRACE began his plea
for the miners with the admission that they had only dropped the demand
for the reduction of fourteen shillings and twopence in the price of
domestic coal when they discovered that "the money was not there."
Anyhow the laughter that ensued served to put Members into a good temper
and to cause them to lend a friendly ear to his suggestion that the two
shillings advance, though in his view only "dust in the balance," should
be "temporarily" conceded, pending the establishment of a tribunal which
should permanently settle the conditions of the mining industry. The
increase of output which everyone desired would then be brought about.
Most of the speakers who followed seemed to think that Mr. BRACE had
sown the seed of a settlement. It was left to the PRIME MINISTER, who
evidently did not relish the task, to awaken the House from its
beautiful dream. He pointed out that to accept the proposal would be to
give the miners what they had originally claimed, without any guarantee
that the greater output would be forthcoming. If it were not forthcoming
and the two shillings were taken away, what would happen? "A strike,"
cried someone. "Precisely," said Mr. LLOYD GEORGE; only it would have
been provoked by the Government instead of by the miners. He was not
prepared to do business on those lines.
And so the debate came to an end rather than a conclusion.
_Wednesday, October 20th._--The Peers plunged into the morasses of the
Irish Question. Lord CREWE asked for an official inquiry into the
alleged "reprisals" and particularly instanced the attacks upon the
creameries. Rather than that Ireland should be "pacified" by such
methods as these he would see her engaged in civil war, "fairly
conducted on both sides." From these words it may be gathered that his
lordship's knowledge of civil war is happily not extensive.
Furnished with a voluminous brief from the Irish Office, Lord CURZON
made a long reply, the purport of which was that many of the reprisals
were bogus, many were actions undertaken in self-defence, while the rest
were generally due to men "seeing red" after their comrades had been
brutally murdered. The Government did not palliate such cases, and had
instituted inquiries and taken disciplinary action against the
offenders, when known; but they were not prepared to set up a public
inquiry such as Lord CREWE had demanded. It would only substitute "a
competition in perjury" for the present "competition in murder"--a
somewhat infelicitous phrase by which, as he subsequently explained, he
did not mean to imply, as Lord PARMOOR suggested, that police and rebels
were engaged in a murderous rivalry.
Simultaneously the House of Commons was engaged upon an identically
similar debate. Mr. ARTHUR HENDERSON was as lugubrious as Lord CREWE in
presenting the indictment and distinctly less adroit in selecting his
facts. His theory was that the Government had provoked the Sinn Fein
outrages by its treatment of the people. Why, women had been prevented
from taking their eggs to market!
Sir HAMAR GREENWOOD spoke from the same brief as Lord CURZON, but threw
far more passion and vigour into its recital. There had been some
reprisals, he admitted, but they were as nothing compared to the horrors
that had provoked them; and he protested against the notion that "the
heroes of yesterday"--the R.I.C. is mainly recruited from ex-service
men--had turned into murderers. As for the creameries, he had never seen
a tittle of evidence that they had been destroyed by servants of the
Crown, and he warned the House not to believe the stories put out by the
propaganda bureau of the Irish Republican Army. He was still a convinced
Home Ruler--an Ulster hot-gospeller had accused him of being a Sinn
Feiner with a Papist wife!--but the first thing to do was to break the
reign of terror and end the rule of the assassin. That they were doing,
and there was no case for Mr. HENDERSON'S "insulting resolution."
The Opposition for the moment seemed stunned by the CHIEF SECRETARY'S
sledge-hammer speech. No one rose from the Front Bench and
Lieutenant-Commander KENWORTHY had to overcome his modesty and step into
the breach. Later on, Lord ROBERT CECIL, on the strength of information
supplied by an American journalist, supported the demand for an
inquiry. So did Mr. ASQUITH, on the ground that it would be in the
interests of the Government of Ireland itself; but this argument was
obviously weakened by Mr. BONAR LAW'S reminder that in 1913 and 1914 Mr.
ASQUITH himself had deprecated inquiries in somewhat similar
circumstances. The Government had a very good division, 346 to 79; but
there were many abstentions.
_Thursday, October 21st._--It was, no doubt, by way of brightening an
unutterably gloomy week that Mr. L'ESTRANGE MALONE, who has not hitherto
been known as a humourist, invited the Government to intercede at
Washington for the release of the notorious JAMES LARKIN, now
languishing in an American gaol. Inasmuch as LARKIN had been convicted
for having advocated the overthrow of the United States by violence, Mr.
HARMSWORTH did not think H.M. Government were called upon to intervene.
Mr. MALONE understood from this that the Government had no sympathy with
British subjects in foreign lands, and so he got another laugh.
Commander BELLAIRS thought it would be a good idea if the League of
Nations, pending the discharge of its more important functions, were to
offer rewards for world-benefiting discoveries such as a prophylactic
against potato-blight. Sir JOHN REES saw his chance and took it. "Does
the League," he inquired, "declare to win on Phosphates, Peace or
Potatoes?"--thus supplying proof positive that he owes his precise
pronunciation to past practice with "prunes and prisms."
It was rather impudent of Mr. ADAMSON, who has just been instrumental in
throwing out of work some hundreds of thousands of his fellow-citizens,
to initiate a debate on unemployment. Most of the speakers endeavoured
to throw the blame on "the other fellow"--the Government on the trade
unions, the trade unionists on the employers, and the employers on the
Government. A welcome exception was Mr. HOPKINSON, who boldly blamed the
short-sighted selfishness of some of his own class. Employes would not
work their hardest to "make the boss a millionaire." As a fitting
_finale_ to an inconclusive debate the PRIME MINISTER announced that in
order to force a settlement of the coal-strike the railwaymen--Mr.
THOMAS, apparently, dissenting--had threatened to join the unemployed.
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Harassed Secretary._ "I SAY, YOU NEEDN'T MAKE BUNKERS,
YOU KNOW."]
* * * * *
Our Erudite Contemporaries.
"Willard was game and well trained, and in stature he was Goliath to
the Daniel of Dempsey."--_Evening Paper._
A DAVID come to judgment!
* * * * *
"The rate plague has developed to an alarming extent in Thanet, and
considerable anxiety is felt, especially as there appears to be no
effective preparation of poison to exterminate them."--_Evening
Paper._
And Thanet is not the only place.
* * * * *
THE TYPE-SLINGER.
BITING and keen as any razor
The fluent pen of LOVAT FRASER;
And swift as arrows, thick as hail,
His outbursts in _The Daily Mail_,
Exposing in impassioned phrase
The PREMIER'S wild and wicked ways.
And yet the PREMIER doesn't squirm,
No, not a bit--the pachyderm!
But goes about with cheerful mien,
As if such things had never been.
So LOVAT FRASER grows emphatic
In efforts to be more dogmatic,
And down the column, once a week,
_His shrill italics fairly shriek._
But does the PREMIER bow his back
And go and give himself the sack?
Not he. Indeed, for all he troubles,
His critic might be blowing bubbles.
It's up to LOVAT FRASER now
To make an even bigger row;
I'd like to see the sturdy fellow
Write articles that simply bellow.
I think the PREMIER might perhaps
Shiver and possibly collapse
IF LOVAT GOT TO WORK IN "CAPS."
* * * * *
The Black Swan of Avon.
"A NATIVE DRAMA
Entitled
'Inu vere ki pani'
(Popularly known as Merchant of Venice, but beautified and enlarged
to local taste), Interspersed with Popular Dialogues, latest Songs,
etc. Will (D. V.) be rendered by the ---- Guild."--_West African
Poster._
* * * * *
[Illustration: WHAT OUR BOHEMIANS HAVE TO PUT UP WITH.
_Shabbily-dressed person._ "I'VE LOST THE TICKET, BUT I LEFT A HAT.
THAT'S IT OVER THERE."