Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 24, 1920
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Various >> Punch, or the London Charivari, Volume 159, November 24, 1920
A D'ANNUNZIO DIALOGUE.
[From which will be perceived not only that telephonic communication
exists between Fiume and Lucerne, but also that there is an easy way
out of the difficulty with Greece if only the League of Nations will
utilise the instrument that lies to their hand.]
_D'Annunzio (testily)._ Hello, Lucerne! Hello! Is that the Greek KING?
Confound this buzz! Is that you, TINO?
_King Constantine._ Speaking.
What do you want? I'm packing up my grip.
_D'Ann._ D'ANNUNZIO speaks. Attend the trumpet's lip.
Snatching a few brief moments, CONSTANTINE,
Out of my business morning--eight to nine,
Composing epic poems; nine to one,
Consolidating our position in the sun
(Sweet Alexandrine!), breakfast, bath and post,
A raid or two on the Dalmatian coast,
Speeches, parades and promulgating laws
Which, being published to my followers, cause
Loud cries of "Author!" and sustained applause;
Such is the round of toil that leaves not limp
Fiume's favoured Pontifex et Imp.--
I thought I'd ring you up.
_King Con._ Well, well, what is it?
_D'Ann._ I hear you are proposing to revisit
Athens.
_King Con._ Well, if I am, what's that to you?
_D'Ann._ This, that, whilst gazing at the local blue
The other day, I hit upon the plan
Of conquering the Mediterranean,
Including the AEgean and the finer
Portions, most probably, of Asia Minor,
And holding them as provinces beneath
Fiume and my own imperial wreath.
_King Con._ Go on, then, dash you.
_D'Ann._ I shall soon begin;
But I decline to have you butting in.
Tyrants there still may be, but not the sort
Discarded from a philo-Teuton Court;
The tolerant warmth that sheds a kind of lustre
Over a stout Ausonian filibuster
Does not extend to thoroughly bad hats
Like abdicated Hellene autocrats.
And, if the Allies feel some slight reserve
About resisting your confounded nerve,
I, GABRIELE, do not. You may be
A kind of subject satrap under me;
If not, look out. You shall have cause to know
The singing eagles of D'ANNUNZIO.
_King Con._ I'll think it over.
_D'Ann._ Do so swiftly then;
Meanwhile good morning; I must see some men--
Also the Muse. She waits upon my pen.
[_Rings off._
EVOE.
* * * * *
"How many cocktails are there? 'William,' the mixer at the Royal
Automobile lub, who was for eayrs at the Hotel ecil, states
that he can produce some 70 varieties without repeating
himself."--_Daily Paper._
And did the author of the above paragraph try them all?
* * * * *
"Towards the conclusion of the meeting Miss Dolly ---- sang the
solo 'The City of Light' in a very able style, and, as Mr. ----
mentioned in a vote of thanks, which he proposed, seconded and
supported, to the Chairman, speaker, accompanist, and soloist,
she excelled herself."--_Local Paper._
We understand that the Gasworkers' Union has remonstrated with the
orator on his excessive output.
* * * * *
THE SNIPER.
Brackley is a good fellow, but I loathe him.
How would you like it if you were tied to work and every now and then a
man came up to you in your club and said, "Old man, do come away with
me to the Pyrenees and shoot jummel," or "Can't you spare a month, old
fellow, to come stalking ibex in Montenegro with me?" or "Look here,
you're just the chap I want to run over to Alaska with me for a pot at
the grizzlies"?
Just a fortnight ago Brackley came and told me of a delightful rough
shooting he had rented in an obscure corner of Ireland. According to
him it was a congested snipe area. You could not see the pools for
wild-duck. The honking of wild-geese kept one awake at night. The
drawback to the estate was that you were always tripping over hares.
"You won't be safe there," I said to Brackley.
"I'm safe anywhere," said Brackley. "Work it on system. In Arabia send
the mullah a bottle of brandy. On the Continent stand the local mayor a
bottle of wine. In Ireland ask the priest up to drink whiskey with you
in the evening. So long as the authorities have their thirst relieved
there's never trouble. Now just come for a fortnight. There'll be crowds
of snipe. I'm told there are woodcock too."
I was adamant.
"Well," sighed Brackley, "I'll send you a card to say how I get on."
When his postcard arrived it ran:--
"To-day-- "_Ballinagrub._
Ten brace snipe. Four landrail.
One brace partridge. Three wild-duck.
Nine hares. One woodcock.
"What ho!"
Isn't that an aggravating card to get when you are deep in the most
elusive and trying chase of all--the money hunt?
I wrote Brackley a scornful postcard:--
"Go on with your baleful schemes. Wallow in slaughter. Roll in blood.
Devastate the district. As an honest hard-working Englishman I regard
you with utter contempt."
Three days later Brackley slapped me on the back in our club.
"What are you doing here?" I said. "Don't tell me the snipe have gone on
strike."
"All your fault," he grumbled. "About half-an-hour after I got your
infernal postcard six outsize Republican soldiers called on me and gave
me just ten minutes to get a car and drive to the station. I told them
what a silly fool you were and that it was one of your wretched jokes;
but you can't expect an Irishman to see a joke. I tried to explain it; I
said that you referred to my exploits as a sniper; and they replied that
sniping was their department and nobody else's.
"So I decided to come home and arrange for some shooting in a place
where there's a bit of peace. I'm thinking of going after the ongdu
antelopes in Somaliland. You can't spare three months, can you?"
"Why didn't you face it out?" I said, knowing that Brackley had spent
four years and two months of his life shooting Huns.
"Not worth while. I could have had a guard, of course. But you can't
expect decent snipe-shooting when there's a lot of promiscuous firing
going on in the district. The snipe is a peculiarly nervous bird, you
know."
* * * * *
[Illustration: HUMOROUS DRAMA: AN UNREHEARSED DIVERSION.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: _Porter._ "DO YOU WANT TO SIT NEXT TO ONE ANOTHER, OR
VICE-VERSA?"]
* * * * *
A FOOTNOTE TO THE "BAB BALLADS."
[The Vice-Chairman of No. 1 Committee of the League of Nations,
dealing with general organisation, is Mr. WELLINGTON KOO, the
distinguished Chinese diplomatist.]
Serene and Celestial Sage,
How well you revive and renew
The delights of an age when good "Bab" was the rage--
Eminent WELLINGTON KOO!
For I feel, though I may be a fool,
You were reared in remote Rum-ti-Foo,
Maybe suffered at school its episcopal rule--
Tolerant WELLINGTON KOO.
Next I see you adorning the scene
In the city of fair Titipu,
Garbed in green and in gold, very fine to behold--
Sumptuous WELLINGTON KOO.
Then you probably met _Captain Reece_
And all his affectionate crew,
Who knew no decrease of their comfort and peace--
Nautical WELLINGTON KOO.
_Clonglocketty Angus McClan_
I fear was withheld from your view;
That unfortunate man was not fated to scan
Fortunate WELLINGTON KOO.
But my reason instinctively tells
It was you who contrived to imbue
With his knowledge of spells _John Wellington Wells_--
Magical WELLINGTON KOO.
"Morality, heavenly link,"
I'm sure you will never taboo,
Though to it I don't think you'll "eternally drink"--
Temperate WELLINGTON KOO.
It is rather malicious, I own,
To play with a name that is true,
But I hope you'll condone my irreverent tone--
Generous WELLINGTON KOO.
* * * * *
"ROYAL EXILES.
Some archdukes have become clerks, and many have become
governesses and ladies' maids."--_Tasmanian Paper._
For these last two posts, their archness would, we think, be an
irresistible qualification.
* * * * *
"NURSES WANTED.
540 Hours Working Week.
Extra pay at special rates for any time worked in excess of
ordinary working hours."
_Provincial Paper._
The generous provision for "overtime" makes the above offer unusually
attractive.
* * * * *
IF THEY WERE AT SCHOOL.
(_That is, if the House of Commons were like our School Debating
Society--as indeed it is--and if its proceedings were reported with the
incisive brevity of our School Magazine--and why not?_)
On Wednesday the Society held its 2,187th meeting. There was some
regrettable rowdiness during Private Business, and A. MOSELEY
(Collegers) had to be ejected for asking too many questions. Members
must not bring bags of gooseberries into the debates.
In Public Business the motion was:--
"_That in the opinion of this House Science is better than Sport._"
D. LLOYD GEORGE, Proposer (School House), said that Science had won the
War, and quoted Wireless Telegraphy and Daylight Saving to prove this.
The most successful Generals had had a scientific training. His uncle
had met a General who knew algebra and used it at the Battle of the
Marne. Only two first-class cricketers had ever been in the Cabinet.
Three scientists had. The earth went round the sun. The moon went round
the earth. Rivers flowed into the ocean.
An improving speaker, who is inclined to be carried away by his
enthusiasm. Too many metaphors.
H. ASQUITH, Opposer (Collegers), said that the speech of the hon.
Proposer was a tissue of fabrications, as ineffective as they were
insincere. Never in the whole course of his career had he encountered a
subterfuge so transparent, a calumny so shameless as the attempt of the
Hon. Prop., he might say the calculated and cynical attempt of the Hon.
Prop., to seduce from their faith the tenacious acolytes of Sport by
the now threadbare recital of the dubious and, on his own showing, the
anaemic enticements of Science. The War had proved that Science was no
good.
This speaker is steadily improving, but he has a tendency to a
"fatal fluency," and he must beware of high-sounding phrases.
Also too many passages in his speech sounded like quotations.
A. BONAR LAW, Seconder (Commoners), said that the War had proved that
Sport was no good. Gas had been invented by Science. He pointed out the
importance of astronomy in navigation.
A rapidly improving speaker. But he must not mumble.
E. G. PRETTYMAN{most likely misprint for 'PRETYMAN' - see ESSENCE OF
PARLIAMENT below}(Hodgeites) said that farming was both a science and a
sport. The canal system of Great Britain had been neglected.
Some neat little epigrams.
LESLIE SCOTT (Collegers) said that his father was a lawyer. Science had
been used in the Russo-Japanese War.
This speaker was not at his best. Perhaps it was the
gooseberries.
LESLIE WILSON (Hittites) said that his Christian name was the same as
the previous speaker's--(Laughter)--but his views were very different.
(Loud laughter.) He would like to ask the House which had done most in
the War--Tanks or Banks.
The speech of the evening. Witty and well-argued. But he must
not fidget with his waistcoat-buttons.
W. S. CHURCHILL (Hivites) said that this was a revolutionary motion.
Sport and Science must stand together. True sport was scientific and
true scientists were sportsmen. (Applause.) Together they would stand
as an imperishable bulwark against the relentless tide of Socialism.
Divided they would fall.
A steadily improving speaker, but he must not recite.
H. A. L. FISHER (Collegers) was in favour of Proportional Education.
He must not lecture.
E. GEDDES (Perizzites) said he did not mind what game he played. Rugger,
Soccer, Hockey, Cricket, Lacrosse, Rounders--he was equally at home with
all of them.
An improving speaker. He must not speak at the roof; there is no
one there.
F. BANBURY (Sittites) must not go on and on.
A. MOND (Moabites) must not fidget with his feet.
H. D. KING (Hivites) said that sailing was scientific.
He has not been heard before.
R. KENWORTHY (Day-boy) must not be heard again.
R. BRACE (Coalites) must not wheedle.
ADAMSON (Coalites) must not shout.
A. ADDISON (Collegers) was inaudible where we were.
E. CARSON (Jebusites) was inaudible everywhere. But we gather we did not
miss much. He must speak up.
W. BENN (Amalekites) was invisible.
A. BALFOUR (Stalactites) was insensible. But why not sleep in the
dormitory?
R. CECIL _mi._ (Parasites) must not preach.
J. DEVLIN (Meteorites) said that Ireland was a nation. But he must not
get excited.
R. CECIL _ma._ (Collegers) must not eat while he is speaking. Otherwise
a gentlemanly speech.
The President summed up and the Motion was carried by 12 votes to 11.
A. P. H.
* * * * *
[Illustration: AN "IMPASSE" AT OUR HOTEL.
OUR ADMIRAL AND GENERAL, WHO ARE NOT ON SPEAKING TERMS, FIND IT
IMPOSSIBLE TO IGNORE ONE ANOTHER WHEN THEY MEET ON THE STAIRS.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE COLISEUM QUEUE, A.D. 60 OR THEREABOUTS.
"LADIES AND GENTS, I 'OPE YOU WILL LET ME 'AVE YOUR KIND ATTENTION WHILE
I GIVE A RENDERING OF 'RULE, BRITANNIA,' THE NATIONAL SONG OF BRITAIN,
ACCOMPANYIN' MYSELF ON THE 'ARP, WICH I LEARNED TO PLAY WEN I WAS
SERVIN' IN THE ARMY OF OCCUPATION IN THAT REMOTE AND BARBAROUS ISLAND."]
* * * * *
A DIFFICULT CASE.
DEAR MR. PUNCH,--This is one of those social problems which end by
asking what A should do, only in this case I want to know what you would
do.
It happened on the first day of my leave, just after I had, as is my
custom on this day, had my hair cut and otherwise made beautiful at a
place in Bond Street. (I am afraid this sounds as if I was a rich man,
but really I am a Naval Officer.)
I was wearing--well, that would not interest you, but it really was
rather a pleasant suit, with a hat which even _The Daily Mail_ could not
improve upon. Briefly, I was strolling along in a perfectly contented
frame of mind when a horse, drawing a van, chose to fall down right
alongside me.
In a moment of rashness and chivalry--have I said that the horse was
being driven by a girl?--I promptly sat on the brute's head, an act
which I had always been told is the correct thing to do, though, I
should imagine, discouraging for the horse.
In my haste I sat down with my back to the van, so was unable to gauge
the progress of the refitting work which was going on.
In an effort to convey to the crowd, which had, of course, collected,
that I was in no way embarrassed, nay more, that I was well accustomed
to sitting on horses' heads in the middle of Bond Street, I lit
a cigarette and tried to look _blase_, no easy thing to do in the
circumstances.
Small boys made tactless remarks about my personal appearance and
eccentric habits, but I ignored them, feverishly thinking that this
adventure would necessitate an early visit to my club. I had just
decided what brand of cocktail would best meet the case when I felt a
tap on my shoulder and looked up at a vast blue expanse which I realised
later was a policeman.
"If you've quite finished with that there 'orse you're sitting on, young
man," he said, "the leddy wants to take it 'ome."
The crowd chuckled and I rose hurriedly. Unfortunately, so did the
horse, urged on, possibly by the cries and kicks of several willing
helpers, or possibly by the sight of his mistress, who had come up, I
hoped, to thank me.
Not only did the horse rise, but he rose at full speed and without
giving me time to get my foot off the rein on which I was unwittingly
standing.
My leg shot into the air and I lost all sense of direction for a few
seconds. Then a slight shock, and I found myself clasping the "leddy"
firmly round the neck.
At this juncture my aunt appeared.
My aunt, I should explain, is nothing if not dignified. She is built on
the lines of a monitor, bluff in the bow, broad in the beam, slow and
majestic of movement. Her lips were moving feebly when I saw her, but
she uttered no sound, uncertain, I suppose, whether to intervene or to
pretend that I was in no way connected with her.
Paralysed by her arrival, I saw her slowly take in the scene. Her eye
wandered from the policeman to me, from me to the unfortunate girl
to whom I still clung. I could see her jumping--no, moving
ponderously--towards the wrong conclusion.
Mr. Punch, what would you have done?
Yours faithfully, An N. O.
[Your first thought should have been for the girl, whom you had clearly
compromised in your aunt's eyes. You should at once have introduced her
to that lady as your long-lost _fiancee_. Later in the afternoon you
could have called on your relative and told her that you had mislaid the
girl again--this time irretrievably.--ED.]
* * * * *
[Illustration: THE FOLLY OF ATHENS.
ATHENA (_to her Owl_). "SAY 'TINO'!"
THE OWL. "YOU FORGET YOURSELF. I'M NOT A PARROT. I'M THE BIRD OF
WISDOM."]
* * * * *
ESSENCE OF PARLIAMENT.
_Monday, November 15th._--To induce the House of Lords to accept a
measure for the compulsory acquisition of land is analogous to the
process of getting butter out of a dog's mouth; and it is not surprising
that Lord PEEL essayed the task of getting a second reading for
an Acquisition of Lands Bill in rather gingerly fashion. When one
remembered a racy correspondence in the newspapers over certain
Midlothian farms one could hardly have been surprised if the Laird of
DALMENY had reappeared in the arena, flourishing his claymore. But,
alas! he still remains in retirement, and it was left to Lord SUMNER to
administer some sound legal thwacks and, in his own words, to "dispel
the mirage which the noble Viscount raised over the sand of a very arid
Bill." He did not oppose the Second Reading, but hinted that if ever it
emerged from Committee its own draftsman would not know it.{missing
period in original}
The PRESIDENT OF THE BOARD OF TRADE must regard Monday with rather mixed
feelings. That is the day on which Questions addressed to his Department
have first place on the Order-paper; and accordingly he has a lively
quarter-of-an-hour in coping with the contradictory conundrums of
Cobdenites and Chamberlainites. On the whole he treads the fiscal
tight-rope with an imperturbability worthy of BLONDIN. A Tariff
Reformer, indignant at the increased imports of foreign glass-ware,
provoked the query, "Does my hon. friend regard bottles as a
key-industry?" And a Wee Free Trader who sarcastically inquired if
foreign countries complained of our dumping cement on them at prices
much above the cost in this country was promptly told that "that is the
very reverse of dumping."
Sir DONALD MACLEAN was rewarded to-night for all his uphill work as
leader of the Wee Frees before--and since--Mr. ASQUITH'S reappearance.
On the Financial Resolution of the Ministry of Health Bill his eloquent
plea for the harassed ratepayers received an almost suspiciously prompt
response from Mr. BONAR LAW, who admitted that it was inconvenient to
drive an "omnibus" measure of this kind through an Autumn Session, and
intimated that thirteen of its clauses would be jettisoned. An appeal
from Lady ASTOR, that the Government should not "economise in health,"
fell upon deaf ears. Dr. ADDISON not only enumerated the thirteen doomed
clauses, but threw in a fourteenth for luck.
[Illustration: THE OVERLOADED OMNIBUS.
_Conductor ADDISON (to Driver LAW)._ "WHAT, YOU CAN'T GET 'OME BY
CHRISTMAS WITH ALL THEM PASSENGERS ON TOP? WELL, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
BEFORE I TOOK 'EM ON?"]
_Tuesday, November 16th._--I don't suppose Lord CREWE and the other
noble Lords who enlarged upon the theme "_Persicos odi_" expected to
embarrass the FOREIGN SECRETARY by their cross-questioning. Persia is
to Lord CURZON what "de brier-patch" was to _Brer Rabbit_. He has been
cultivating it all his life, and knows every twist and turn of its
complicated history, ancient and modern. The gist of his illuminating
lecture to the Peers was that our one aim had been to maintain Persian
independence with due regard to British interests, and that it now
rested with the Persians themselves to decide their own destiny.
[Illustration: BRER RABBIT{original had 'RABBBIT'} IN HIS ELEMENT.
LORD CURZON.]
Hopes of a relaxation of the passport restrictions were a little dashed
by Mr. HARMSWORTH'S announcement that the fees received for British
visas amounted to some fifty per cent. more than the cost of the staff
employed. The Government will naturally be loth to scrap a Department
which actually earns its keep.
The WAR MINISTER was again badgered about the hundred Rolls-Royces
that he had ordered for Mesopotamia. Now that we were contemplating
withdrawal was it necessary to have them? To this Mr. CHURCHILL replied
that the new Arab State would still require our assistance. A mental
picture of the sheikhs taking joy-rides in automobiles _de luxe_
presented itself to Mr. HOGGE, who gave notice that he should "reduce"
the Army Estimates by the price of the chassis. A little later Mr.
CHURCHILL came down heavily on an innocent Coalitionist who had
proffered suggestions as to the better safeguarding of the troops in
Ireland. "Odd as it may seem," he told him, "this aspect of the question
has engaged the attention of the military authorities."
In the course of debate on the Agricultural Bill, Mr. ACLAND hinted that
Sir F. BANBURY, one of its severest critics, was out of touch with rural
affairs. Whereupon Mr. PRETYMAN came to the rescue with the surprising
revelation that the junior Member for the City of London, in addition
to his vocations as banker, stockbroker and railway director, had on one
occasion carried out the functions of "shepherd to a lambing flock."
The right hon. Baronet, who is known to his intimates as "Peckham,"
will have Mr. PRETYMAN to thank if his _sobriquet_ in future is "Little
Bo-Peep."
_Wednesday, November 17th._--The Lords, having welcomed the Bishop of
DURHAM--a notable addition to the oratorical strength of the Episcopal
Bench--proceeded to show that even the lay peers had not much to learn
in the matter of polite invective. Lord GAINFORD invited them to declare
that the Government should forthwith reduce its swollen Departmental
staffs and incidentally relieve our open spaces from the eyesores that
now disfigure them. Perhaps he laid overmuch stress upon the latter part
of his motion, for the Ministerial spokesman rode off on this line--Lord
CRAWFORD confessing that his artistic sensibility was outraged by these
"horrible hutments"--and said very little about cutting down the staffs.
This way of treating the matter dissatisfied the malcontents, who voted
down the Ministry.
The Front Opposition Bench in the Commons was almost deserted at
Question-time. Presently the appearance of Lieut.-Commander KENWORTHY in
unusually festive attire furnished an explanation. After forty years of
bachelorship and four of fighting, WEDGWOOD BENN is Benedict indeed; and
his colleagues were attending his wedding-festivities.
[Illustration: AMOR TRIUMPHANS.
(_After the Pompeii mosaic._)
WITH MR. PUNCH'S BEST WISHES TO CAPTAIN WEDGWOOD BENN.]
The SECRETARY TO THE ADMIRALTY has not yet attained to the omniscience
in Naval affairs that his predecessor acquired in the course of twelve
years' continuous occupancy of the post. But Sir JAMES CRAIG can handle
an awkward questioner no less deftly than "Dr. MAC." Witness his excuse
for not replying to a "Supplementary":--"The hon. and gallant gentleman
must understand that I attach so much importance to his questions that
I wish to be most punctilious in my answers." Who could persist after
that?
Mr. BONAR LAW stated that the treaties by which Great Britain and France
were responsible for constitutional government in Greece came to an
end in August last. Consequently the two Powers have "a completely free
hand" in regard to the Greek Monarchy. But he begged to be excused from
saying in what manner that "free hand" would be used if TINO should
think of returning.
_Thursday, November 18th._--In the Lords the Acquisition of Land Bill
had most of its teeth drawn. Lord SUMNER was the most adroit of the many
operators employed, and he used no gas.