The Uncollected Writings of Thomas de Quincey, Vol. 2

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That the displeasure of the dancers, who had been discomposed and
besprinkled by Juno, fell entirely upon her master, was pretty evident
from their faces. Of all the parties concerned, however, none was more
irritated than the young woman; she was standing upon the stairs,
caressing and fondling her kitten, as Mr. Schnackenberger went down,
leading Juno in his pocket-handkerchief; and she let drop some such very
audible hints upon the ill-breeding and boorishness of certain pretended
gentlemen, that Mr. Schnackenberger would, without doubt, have given her
a very severe reprimand--if he had not thought it more dignified to
affect to overlook her.

CHAPTER IX.

WHICH TREATS OF EXPERIMENTS NOT VERY COMMON AT BIRTHDAY _FETES_.

'Now, my dears,' said Mr. Von Pilsen to a party who were helping him to
laugh at the departed Mr. Schnackenberger, 'as soon as the fellow
returns, we must get him into our party at supper.'

'Returns?' exclaimed another; 'why I should fancy he had had enough of
birthday _fetes_ for one life.'

'You think so?' said Von Pilsen: 'so do not I. No, no, my good creature;
I flatter myself that I go upon pretty sure grounds: I saw those eyes
which he turned upon the princess on making his exit: and mind what I
say, he takes his beast home, and----comes back again. Therefore, be
sure, and get him amongst us at supper, and set the barrel abroach. I
wouldn't for all the world the monster should go away untapped.'

The words were scarce uttered, when, sure enough, the body, or 'barrel,'
of Mr. Schnackenberger did roll into the room for a second time.
Forthwith Von Pilsen and his party made up to him; and Pilsen having
first with much art laboured to efface any suspicions which might have
possessed the student's mind in consequence of his former laughter,
proceeded to thank him for the very extraordinary sport which his dog
had furnished; and protested that he must be better acquainted with
him.

'Why, as to _that_,' said Mr. Schnackenberger, 'a better acquaintance
must naturally be very agreeable to me. But, in respect to the dog, and
what you call the sport, I'm quite of another opinion; and would give
all I'm worth that it had not happened.'

'Oh! no,' they all declared; 'the _fete_ would have wanted its most
brilliant features if Mr. Schnackenberger or his dog had been absent.
No, no: without flattery he must allow them to call him the richest fund
of amusement--the brightest attraction of the evening.' But
Schnackenberger shook his head incredulously; said he wished he could
think so: but with a deep sigh he persisted in his own opinion; in which
he was the more confirmed, when he perceived that the princess, who was
now passing him to the supper-room, turned away her eyes the moment she
perceived him.

In this state of mind Mr. Jeremiah naturally, but unconsciously, lent
himself to the designs of his new acquaintances. Every glass that the
devil of mischief and of merry malice poured out, did the devil of
Schnackenberger's despair drink off; until at last the latter devil was
tolerably well drowned in wine.

About this time enter Juno again--being her second (and positively last)
appearance upon these boards. Mr. Jeremiah's new friends paid so much
homage to the promising appearance of her jaws, that they made room for
her very respectfully as she pressed up to her master. He, whose recent
excesses in wine had re-established Juno in the plenitude of her favour,
saw with approving calmness his female friend lay both her fore-paws on
the table--and appropriate all that remained on his plate, to the
extreme astonishment of all present.

'My friend,' said Mr. Jeremiah, to a footman who was on the point of
pulling away the unbidden guest, 'don't you, for God's sake, get into
any trouble. My Juno understands no jesting on these occasions: and it
might so happen that she would leave a mark of her remembrance with you,
that you would not forget so long as you lived.'

'But I suppose, Sir, you won't expect that a dog can be allowed to sup
with her Highness's company!'

'Oh! faith, Sir, credit me--the dog is a more respectable member of
society than yourself, and many a one here present: so just leave me and
my Juno unmolested. Else I may, perhaps, take the trouble to make an
example of you.'

The princess, whose attention was now drawn, made a sign to the servant
to retire; and Von Pilsen and his friends could scarcely keep down their
laughter to a well-bred key, when Mr. Schnackenberger drew his pipe from
his pocket--loaded it--lit it at one of the chandeliers over the
supper-table--and, in one minute, wrapped the whole neighbourhood in a
voluminous cloud of smoke.

As some little damper to their merriment, however, Mr. Schnackenberger
addressed a few words to them from time to time:--'You laugh,
gentlemen,' said he; 'and, doubtless, there's something or other very
amusing,--no doubt, infinitely amusing, if one could but find it out.
However, I could make your appetites for laughing vanish--aye, vanish in
one moment. For, understand me now, one word--one little word from me to
Juno, and, in two minutes, the whole room shall be as empty as if it had
been swept out with a broom. Just the first that I look at, no matter
whom, she catches by the breast--aye, just you, Sir, or you, Sir, or
you, Mr. Von Pilsen,' (fixing his eye upon him) 'if I do but say--seize
him, Juno!' The word had fled: and in the twinkling of an eye, Juno's
fore-paws, not over clean, were fixed in the elegant white silk
waistcoat of Mr. Von Pilsen.

This scene was the signal for universal uproar and alarm. Even Mr.
Jeremiah, on remarking the general rising of the company, though totally
unaware that his harmless sport had occasioned it, rose also; called the
dog off: and comforted Von Pilsen, who was half dead with fright, by
assuring him that had he but said--'Bite him, Juno!'--matters would have
ended far worse.

On Mr. Schnackenberger's standing up, his bodily equilibrium was
manifestly so much endangered, that one of the company, out of mere
humanity, offered his servant to see him safe home. A slight
consciousness of his own condition induced our hero to accept of this
offer: through some misunderstanding, however, the servant led him, not
to the Golden Sow, but to the Double-barrelled Gun.

Mr. Schnackenberger, on being asked for his number, said 'No. 5;' that
being the number of his room at the Golden Sow. He was accordingly shown
up to No. 5: and, finding a bed under an alcove, he got into it dressed
as he was; and, in one moment, had sunk into a profound slumber.

CHAPTER X.

WHICH NARRATES AN ENGAGEMENT ON UNEQUAL TERMS--FIRST FOR ONE SIDE, THEN
FOR THE OTHER.

Half an hour after came the true claimant; who, being also drunk, went
right up-stairs without troubling the waiter; and forthwith getting into
bed, laid himself right upon Mr. Jeremiah Schnackenberger.

'D----n this heavy quilt,' said the student, waking up and recollecting
the hundred-pounder of the preceding night; and, without further
ceremony, he kicked the supposed quilt into the middle of the room.

Now began war: for the 'quilt' rose up without delay; and Mr.
Schnackenberger, who had been somewhat worse handled than his opponent
by the devil of drunkenness, would doubtless have come by the worst, had
he not in his extremity ejaculated 'Juno!' whereupon she, putting aside
all selfish considerations, which at the moment had fastened her to a
leg of mutton in the kitchen, rushed up on the summons of duty, and
carried a reinforcement that speedily turned the scale of victory. The
alarm, which this hubbub created, soon brought to the field of battle
the whole population of the inn, in a very picturesque variety of
night-dresses; and the intruding guest would in all likelihood have been
kicked back to the Golden Sow; but that the word of command to the
irritated Juno, which obviously trembled on his lips, was deemed worthy
of very particular attention and respect.

CHAPTER XI.

IN WHICH UNFORTUNATE LOVE MEDITATES REVENGE.

At half-past ten on the following morning, at which time Mr.
Schnackenberger first unclosed his eyes, behold! at the foot of his bed
was sitting my hostess of the Golden Sow. 'Aye,' said she, 'I think it's
time, Sir: and it's time, I think, to let you know what it is to affront
a creditable body before all the world.'

'Nay, for God's sake, old one, what's the matter?' said Mr.
Schnackenberger, laughing and sitting bolt upright in bed.

'Old? Well, if I have a few more years on my head, I've a little more
thought _in_ it: but, perhaps, you're not altogether so thoughtless as
I've been fancying in your actings towards me poor unfortunate widow: if
that's the case, you are a base wicked man; and you deserve--'

'Why, woman, how now? Has a tarantula bit you; or what is it? Speak.'

'Speak! Aye, I'll speak; and all the world shall hear me. First of all
come you riding into my bar like a crazy man: and I, good easy creature,
let myself be wheedled, carry you meat--drink--everything--with my own
hands; sit by your side; keep you in talk the whole evening, for fear
you should be tired; and, what was my reward? "March," says you, "old
witch." Well, that passed on. At midnight I am called out of my bed--for
your sake: and the end of that job is, that along of you the Sow is half
burned down. But for all that, I say never an ill word to you. I open
the late Mr. Sweetbread's clothes-presses to you: his poor innocent
wedding-shirt you don over your great shameless body; go off; leave me
behind with a masterful dog, that takes a roast leg of mutton from off
the spit; and, when he should have been beat for it, runs off with it
into the street. You come back with the beast. Not to offend you, I say
never a word of what he has done. Off you go again: well: scarce is your
back turned, when the filthy carrion begins running my rabbits up and
down the yard; eats up all that he can catch; and never a one would have
been left to tell the tale, if the great giantical hostler (him as
blacked your shoes) hadn't ha' cudgelled him off. And after all this,
there are you hopping away at the ball wi' some painted doll--looking
babies in her eyes--quite forgetting me that has to sit up for you at
home pining and grieving: and all isn't enough, but at last you must
trot off to another inn.'

'What then,' said Mr. Schnackenberger, 'is it fact that I'm not at the
Golden Sow?'

'Charming!' said Mrs. Sweetbread; 'and so you would make believe you
don't know it; but I shall match you, or find them as will: rest you
sure of _that_.'

'Children!' said Mr. Schnackenberger to the waiter and boots, who were
listening in astonishment with the door half-open; 'of all loves, rid me
of this monster.'

'Aye, what!' said she in a voice of wrath; and put herself on the
defensive. But a word or two of abuse against the landlord of the
Double-barrelled Gun, which escaped her in her heat, irritated the men
to that degree, that in a few moments afterwards Mrs. Sweetbread was
venting her wrath in the street--to the wonder of all passers-by, who
looked after her until she vanished into the house of a well-known
attorney.

Meantime, Mr. Schnackenberger, having on inquiry learned from the waiter in
what manner he had come to the inn--and the night-scene which had followed,
was apologizing to the owner of No. 5,--when, to his great alarm the church
clock struck eleven. 'Nine,' he remembered, was the hour fixed by the
billet: and the more offence he might have given to the princess by his
absurdities over-night, of which he had some obscure recollection, so much
the more necessary was it that he should keep the appointment. The botanic
garden was two miles off: so, shutting up Juno, he ordered a horse: and in
default of boots, which, alas! existed no longer in that shape, he mounted
in silk stockings and pumps; and rode off at a hand gallop.

CHAPTER XII.

MR. SCHNACKENBERGER'S ENGAGEMENT WITH AN OLD BUTTERWOMAN.

The student was a good way advanced on his road, when he descried the
princess, attended by another lady and a gentleman approaching in an open
carriage. As soon, however, as he was near enough to be recognised by the
party in the carriage, the princess turned away her head with manifest signs
of displeasure--purely, as it appeared, to avoid noticing Mr. Jeremiah.
Scarcely, however, was the carriage past him, together with Mr. Von Pilsen,
who galloped by him in a tumult of laughter, when the ill-fate of our hero
so ordered it, that all eyes which would not notice him for his honour
should be reverted upon his disgrace. The white turnpike gate so frightened
our rider's horse, that he positively refused to pass it: neither whip nor
spur would bring him to reason. Meantime, up comes an old butterwoman.[23]
At the very moment when she was passing, the horse in his panic steps back
and deposits one of his hind legs in the basket of the butterwoman: down
comes the basket with all its eggs, rotten and sound; and down comes the old
woman, squash, into the midst of them. "Murder! Murder!" shouted the
butterwoman; and forthwith every individual thing that could command a pair
or two pair of legs ran out of the turnpike-house; the carriage of the
princess drew up, to give the ladies a distant view of Mr. Schnackenberger
engaged with the butterwoman; and Mr. Von Pilsen wheeled his horse round
into a favourable station for seeing anything the ladies might overlook.
Rage gave the old butterwoman strength; she jumped up nimbly, and seized Mr.
Schnackenberger so stoutly by the laps of his coat, that he vainly
endeavoured to extricate himself from her grasp. At this crisis, up came
Juno, and took her usual side in such disputes. But to do this with effect,
Juno found it necessary first of all to tear off the coat lap; for, the old
woman keeping such firm hold of it, how else could Juno lay her down on her
back--set her paws upon her breast--and then look up to her master, as if
asking for a certificate of having acquitted herself to his satisfaction?

[23] In the original--'eine marketenderin,' a female sutler: but I have
altered it, to save an explanation of what the old sutler was after.

To rid himself of spectators, Mr. Jeremiah willingly paid the old woman the
full amount of her demand, and then returned to the city. It disturbed him
greatly, however, that the princess should thus again have seen him under
circumstances of disgrace. Anxious desire to lay open his heart before
her--and to place himself in a more advantageous light, if not as to his
body, yet at all events as to his intellect--determined him to use his
utmost interest with her to obtain a private audience; 'at which,' thought
he, 'I can easily beg her pardon for having overslept the appointed hour.'

CHAPTER XIII.

IN WHICH GOOD LUCK AND BAD LUCK ARE DISTRIBUTED IN EQUAL PROPORTIONS.

The good luck seemed to have anticipated Mr. Schnackenberger's nearest
wishes. For on reaching the Double-barrelled Gun, whither he arrived without
further disturbance than that of the general gazing to which he was exposed
by the fragment of a coat which survived from the late engagement, a billet
was put into his hands of the following tenor: 'Come and explain this
evening, if you can explain, your astonishing neglect of this morning's
appointment. I shall be at the theatre; and shall do what I can to dismiss
my attendants.'

But bad luck came also--in the person of a lawyer. The lawyer stated that he
called on the part of the landlady of the Golden Sow, to put the question
for the last time in civil terms, 'whether Mr. Schnackenberger were prepared
to fulfil those just expectations which he had raised in her heart; or
whether she must be compelled to pursue her claims by due course of law.'

Mr. Schnackenberger was beginning to launch out with great fury upon the
shameless and barefaced impudence of such expectations: but the attorney
interrupted him; and observed with provoking coolness, 'that there was no
occasion for any warmth--no occasion in the world; that certainly Mrs.
Sweetbread could not have framed these expectations wholly out of the air:
something (and he grinned sarcastically), something, it must be supposed,
had passed: now, for instance, this wedding-shirt of the late Mr.
Sweetbread--she would hardly, I think, have resigned this to your use, Mr.
Schnackenberger, unless some engagements had preceded either in the shape of
words or of actions. However, said he, this is no part of my business: what
remains for me to do on this occasion is to present her account; and let me
add, that I am instructed to say that, if you come to a proper understanding
with her on the first point, no further notice will be taken of this last
part of my client's demand.

The unfortunate Mr. Schnackenberger considered the case most ruefully and in
awful perturbation. He perspired exceedingly. However, at length--'Come, I
don't care,' said he, 'I know what I'll do:' and then sitting down, he drew
up a paper, which he presented to Mr. Attorney; at the same time, explaining
to him that, rather than be exposed in a court of justice as a supposed
lover of Mrs. Sweetbread's, he was content to pay the monstrous charges of
her bill without applying to a magistrate for his revision: but upon this
condition only, that Mrs. Sweetbread should for herself, heirs, and
assigns, execute a general release with regard to Mr. Jeremiah
Schnackenberger's body, according to the form here drawn up by himself, and
should engage on no pretence whatever to set up any claim to him in times to
come.

The attorney took his leave for the purpose of laying this _release_ before
his client: but the landlord of the Double-barrelled Gun, to whom in
confidence Mr. Jeremiah disclosed his perilous situation, shook his head,
and said, that if the other party signed the release on the conditions
offered, it would be fortunate: as in that case, Mr. Schnackenberger would
come off on much easier terms than twenty-three other gentlemen had done,
who had all turned into the Golden Sow on different occasions, but not one
of whom had ever got clear of the Golden Sow without an expensive contest at
law. 'God bless my soul!' said Mr. Schnackenberger, who now 'funked'[24]
enormously; 'if that's the case, she might well have so much spare room to
offer me: twenty-three gentlemen! God bless my soul!'

[24] If any reader should happen not to be acquainted with this word, which,
however, is fine old English, and classical at Eton, &c.--the nearest
synonym which I remember at this moment is _Expavesco_.

At this instant, a servant brought back the shoes and clothes of Mr.
Schnackenberger's own manufacture, which had been pulled off and left at the
hotel of the princess. The student gave up the pumps and the borrowed coat
to the astonished servant, with an assurance that he would wait on her
Highness and make his personal excuses to her, on account of 'a little
accident' which had that morning befallen the coat. He then dispatched his
own coat to a quarter where something or other might be done to fit it for
this sublunary world.

CHAPTER XIV.

IN WHAT WAY MR. JEREMIAH SUPPLIES THE WANT OF HIS COAT.

The play-hour was arrived; and yet no coat was forthcoming from the tailor:
on the contrary, the tailor himself was gone to the play. The landlord of
the Double-barrelled Gun, who would readily have lent one, was off upon a
rural excursion, and not expected at home before the next morning; and the
waiter, whose assistance would not have been disdained in such a pressing
emergency, was of so spare and meagre a habit, that, in spite of furious
exertions on the part of Mr. Schnackenberger, John's coat would not let
itself be entered upon by this new tenant. In this exigency, John bethought
him of an old clothesman in the neighbourhood. There he made inquiries. But
he, alas! was out on his summer rounds with his whole magazine of clothes;
no one article being left with his wife, except a great box-coat, such as is
technically called a 'dreadnought,' for which it was presumed that no demand
could possibly arise at this season of the year.

On this report being made, to the great astonishment of the waiter, Mr.
Jeremiah said, 'Well, then, let us have the dreadnought. If the Fates
ordain that I should go to the play in the dog-days apparelled in a
dreadnought, let not me vainly think of resisting their decrees.'

'But,' said the waiter, shrugging his shoulders, 'the people----'

'The what?' said Mr. Schnackenberger: 'the _people_--was it you said; the
_people_? Pray how many people do you reckon to a man? No, Sir, do as I bid
you; just bring me the dreadnought and a round hat.'

The waiter obeyed: and, although the dreadnought was by one good ell too
short, yet Mr. Jeremiah exulted in his strange apparel, because he flattered
himself that in such a disguise he could preserve a strict incognito; with a
view to which he also left Juno behind, recommending her to the vigilant
attentions of the waiter.

CHAPTER XV.

WHICH CONTAINS A PLAY WITHIN A PLAY.

All the world was astonished, when from the door of the Double-barrelled Gun
a man stepped forth on the hottest day in August, arrayed as for a Siberian
winter in a dreadnought, guarded with furs, and a hat pressed down, so as
almost to cover his face. The train of curious persons who attended his
motions naturally grew larger at every step.

Whosoever had hitherto doubted whether this man were mad--doubted no
longer when he was seen to enter the theatre; where in the lightest
summer-clothing the heat was scarcely supportable.

Within the theatre, the attention of all people was directed so
undividedly upon himself, that even Mr. Schnackenberger began to opine
that he had undertaken something extraordinary: so much the more,
thought he, will it be prudent to hide my face, that I may not again
compromise my dignity in the presence of her Highness. But this
concealment of his face raised the strongest suspicions against him.
Throughout the whole house--pit--boxes--and galleries--there was but one
subject of conversation, viz. the man in the dreadnought; and, whilst
in all other parts the house was crowded to excess, upon his bench no
soul would sit: and he _created_ as much superfluity of room as he had
_found_ at the Golden Sow. At length the manager waited upon him, and
requested that he would either retire from the theatre, or that he would
explain what could have induced him to make his appearance in a costume
which had spread alarm and anxiety through the public mind; and which
was likely to do a serious injury to the receipts of the night.

At this moment several children began to cry--taking him for black[25]
Robert. The consequence was, that, as they could not be pacified, the
first scene was mere dumb show to the audience; and some giddy young
people set up a loud 'off, off, Dreadnought!' which cry was instantly
seconded by the public. Nevertheless, as the princess at that instant
entered her box, Mr. Schnackenberger, however hard pressed, thought it
became him to maintain his post to the last extremity. This extremity
forthwith appeared in the shape of three armed soldiers, who, on behalf
of the police, took him into custody. Possibly Mr. Jeremiah might have
shown himself less tractable to the requests of these superannuated
antiquities--but for two considerations; first, that an opportunity
might thus offer of exchanging his dreadnought for a less impressive
costume; and, secondly, that in case of his declining to accompany them,
he saw signs abroad that a generous and enlightened public did very
probably purpose to kick him out; a conjecture which was considerably
strengthened by the universal applause which attended his exit at quick
time.

[25] In the original _Knecht Rupert_. The allusion is to an old
Christmas usage of North Germany: a person comes in disguise, in the
character of an ambassador from heaven, with presents for all the young
children who are reported to him as good and obedient: but those who are
naughty he threatens and admonishes. See Coleridge's _Friend_, vol. ii.
p. 322.

Mr. Schnackenberger was escorted by an immense retinue of old
street-padders and youthful mud-larks to the city gaol. His own view of
the case was, that the public had been guilty of a row, and ought to be
arrested. But the old Mayor, who was half-deaf, comprehended not a
syllable of what he said: all his remonstrances about 'pressing
business' went for nothing: and, when he made a show of escaping upon
seeing the gloomy hole into which he was now handed, his worship
threatened him with drawing out the city guard.

From one of this respectable body, who brought him straw to lie upon,
and the wretched prison allowance of food, he learned that his
examination could not take place that day nor even the next; for the
next was a holiday, on which Mr. Mayor never did any business. On
receiving this dolorous information, Mr. Schnackenberger's first impulse
was to knock down his informant and run away: but a moment's
consideration satisfied him--that, though he might by this means escape
from his cell, he could have no chance of forcing the prison gates.

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