The Uncollected Writings of Thomas de Quincey, Vol. 2

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Mr. Schnackenberger, whose good-nature was infinite, occasionally
interrupted his own conversation with Juno, the great dog, who meantime
was dispatching the supper without any of her master's scruples, to
throw in a 'Yes,' or a 'No,'--a, 'Well,' or a 'So, so.' But at length
his patience gave way, and he started up--saying, 'Well: _Sufficit_:
Now--march, old witch!' This harmless expression she took in such ill
part, that, for mere peace' sake, he was obliged to lead her to the door
and shut her out: and then, undressing himself, he stepped into bed;
and, in defiance of the straw which everywhere stuck out, and a quilt of
a hundred-weight,[21] he sunk into a deep slumber under the agreeable
serenade of those clamorous outcries which Mrs. Sweetbread still kept up
on the outside of the door.

[21] The custom in North Germany is to sleep _under_ a bed as well as
_upon_ one; consequently, when this happens to be a cheap one, it cannot
be stuffed with feathers, down, &c., but with some heavier material.

CHAPTER III.

IN WHICH OUR HERO POLISHES A ROUGH-RIDER.

'Fire and furies!' exclaimed Mr. Schnackenberger, as Juno broke out into
uproarious barking about midnight: the door was opened from the outside;
and in stepped the landlady, arrayed in a night-dress that improved her
charms into a rivalry with those of her sign at the street-door;
accompanied by a fellow, who, by way of salutation, cracked an immense
hunting-whip.

'So it's here that I'm to get my own again?' cried the fellow: and
forthwith Mr. Jeremiah stepped out of bed, and hauled him up to the
light of the lamp which the landlady carried.

'Yes, Sir,' said, the rough-rider, 'it's I, sure enough;' and, to judge
by the countenance of his female conductor, every accent of his anger
was music of the spheres to her unquenchable wrath: 'I'm the man, sure
enough, whose horse you rode away with; and _that_ you'll find to be a
true bill.'

'Rode away with!' cried Mr. Jeremiah: 'Now, may the sweetest of all
thunderbolts----But, rascal, this instant what's to pay? then take thy
carrion out of the stable, and be off.' So saying, Mr. Schnackenberger
strode to the bed for his well-filled purse.

On these signs of solvency, however, the horse-dealer turned up the
gentle phasis of his character, and said, 'Nay, nay; since things are
so, why it's all right; and, in the Lord's name, keep the horse as long
as you want him.'

'Dog! in the first place, and firstly, tell me what's your demand? in
the second place, and secondly, go to the d----l.'

But whilst the rough-rider continued with low bows to decline the first
offer, being satisfied, as it seemed, with the second, the choleric Mr.
Schnackenberger cried out, 'Seize him, Juno!' And straightway Juno
leaped upon him, and executed the arrest so punctually--that the
trembling equestrian, without further regard to ceremony, made out his
charge.

Forthwith Mr. Jeremiah paid down the demand upon the table, throwing in
something extra, with the words, '_That_ for the fright.' The dealer in
horse-flesh returned him a thousand thanks; hoped for his honour's
further patronage; and then, upon being civilly assured by Mr. Jeremiah,
that if he did not in one instant _walk_ down the stairs, he would, to
his certain knowledge, have to _fly_ down them; the rough-rider, in
company with the landlady, took a rapid and polite leave of Mr.
Schnackenberger; who was too much irritated by the affront to compose
himself again to sleep.

CHAPTER IV.

HOW MR. SCHNACKENBERGER AND JUNO CONDUCT THEMSELVES WHEN THE HOUSE
BECOMES TOO HOT TO HOLD THEM.

Day was beginning to dawn, when a smoke, which forced its way through
the door, and which grew every instant thicker and more oppressive, a
second time summoned Mr. Schnackenberger from his bed. As he threw open
the door, such a volume of flames rolled in from the staircase--which
was already on fire from top to bottom--that he saw there was no time to
be lost: so he took his pipe, loaded it as quickly as possible, lighted
it from the flames of the staircase, began smoking, and then, drawing on
his pea-green coat and buckling on his sword, he put his head out of the
window to see if there were any means of escape. To leap right down upon
the pavement seemed too hazardous; and the most judicious course, it
struck him, would be to let himself down upon the Golden Sow, which was
at no great depth below his window, and from this station to give the
alarm. Even this, however, could not be reached without a leap: Mr.
Schnackenberger attempted it; and, by means of his great talents for
equilibristic exercises, he hit the mark so well, that he planted
himself in the very saddle, as it were, upon the back of this
respectable brute. Unluckily, however, there was no house opposite; and
Mrs. Sweetbread with her people slept at the back. Hence it was, that
for a very considerable space of time he was obliged to continue riding
the sign of the Golden Sow; whilst Juno, for whom he could not possibly
make room behind him, looked out of the window, and accompanied her
master's text of occasional clamours for assistance, with a very
appropriate commentary of howls.

Some Poles at length passed by: but, not understanding one word of
German--and seeing a man thus betimes in the morning mounted on the
golden sow, smoking very leisurely, and occasionally hallooing, as if
for his private amusement, they naturally took Mr. Schnackenberger for a
maniac: until, at length, the universal language of fire, which now
began to burst out of the window, threw some light upon the darkness of
their Polish understandings. Immediately they ran for assistance, which
about the same moment the alarm-bells began to summon.

However, the fire-engines arrived on the ground before the ladders:
these last were the particular objects of Mr. Jeremiah's wishes:
meantime, in default of those, and as the second best thing that could
happen, the engines played with such a well-directed stream of water
upon the window--upon the Golden Sow--and upon Mr. Jeremiah
Schnackenberger, that for one while they were severally rendered
tolerably fire-proof. When at length the ladders arrived, and the people
were on the point of applying them to the Golden Sow, he earnestly
begged that they would, first of all, attend to a case of more urgent
necessity: for himself, he was well mounted--as they saw; could assure
them that he was by no means in a combustible state; and, if they would
be so good as to be a little more parsimonious with their water, he
didn't care if he continued to pursue his morning's ride a little
longer. On the other hand, Juno at the window to the right was reduced
every moment to greater extremities, as was pretty plainly indicated by
the increasing violence of her howling.

But the people took it ill that they should be desired to rescue a
four-legged animal; and peremptorily refused.

'My good lads,' said the man upon the sow, 'for heaven's sake don't
delay any longer: one heaven, as Pfeffel observes, is over all good
creatures that are pilgrims on this earth--let their travelling coat
(which by the way is none of their own choosing) be what it may;--smooth
like yours and mine, or shaggy like Juno's.'

But all to no purpose: not Pfeffel himself _in propria persona_ could
have converted them from the belief that to take any trouble about such
a brute was derogatory to the honour of the very respectable citizens of
B----.

However, when Mr. Jeremiah drew his purse-strings, and offered a golden
ducat to him that would render this service to his dog, instantly so
many were the competitors for the honour of delivering the excellent
pilgrim in the shaggy coat, that none of them would resign a ladder to
any of the rest: and thus, in this too violent zeal for her safety,
possibly Juno would have perished--but for a huge Brunswick sausage,
which, happening to go past in the mouth of a spaniel, violently
irritated the appetite of Juno, and gave her courage for the _salto
mortale_ down to the pavement.

'God bless my soul,' said Mr. Schnackenberger, to the men who stood
mourning over the golden soap-bubble that had just burst before their
eyes, 'what's to be done now?' and, without delay, he offered the ducat
to him that would instantly give chase to Juno, who had already given
chase to the sausage round the street corner, and would restore her to
him upon the spot. And such was the agitation of Mr. Schnackenberger's
mind, that for a few moments he seemed as if rising in his stirrups--and
on the point of clapping spurs to the Golden Sow for the purpose of
joining in the chase.

CHAPTER V.

FROM WHICH MAY BE DESCRIED THE OBJECT OF MR. SCHNACKENBERGER'S JOURNEY
TO B----, AND A PROSPECT OF AN INTRODUCTION TO HIGH LIFE.

Mr. Schnackenberger's consternation was, in fact, not without very
rational grounds. The case was this. Juno was an English bitch--infamous
for her voracious appetite in all the villages, far and wide, about the
university--and, indeed, in all respects, without a peer throughout the
whole country. Of course, Mr. Schnackenberger was much envied on her
account by a multitude of fellow students; and very large offers were
made him for the dog. To all such overtures, however, the young man had
turned a deaf ear for a long time, and even under the heaviest pecuniary
distresses; though he could not but acknowledge to himself that Juno
brought him nothing but trouble and vexation. For not only did this
brute (generally called the monster) make a practice of visiting other
people's kitchens, and appropriating all unguarded dainties--but she
went even to the length of disputing the title to their own property
with he-cooks and she-cooks, butchers, and butchers' wives, &c.; and
whosoever had once made acquaintance with the fore-paws of this ravenous
lady, allowed her thenceforwards, without resistance, to carry off all
sausages or hams which she might choose to sequestrate, and directly
presented a bill to her master; in which bill it commonly happened that
indemnification for the fright, if not expressly charged as one of the
items, had a blank space, however, left for its consideration beneath
the sum total. At length, matters came to that pass, that the
reimbursement of Juno's annual outrages amounted to a far larger sum
than Mr. Schnackenberger's own--not very frugal expenditure. On a day,
therefore, when Juno had made an entire clearance of the larder
appropriated to a whole establishment of day-labourers--and Mr.
Schnackenberger had, in consequence, been brought into great trouble in
the university courts, in his first moments of irritation he asked his
friend Mr. Fabian Sebastian, who had previously made him a large offer
for the dog, whether he were still disposed to take her on those terms.
'Undoubtedly,' said Mr. Sebastian--promising, at the same time, to lay
down the purchase money on that day se'nnight, upon delivery of the
article.

Delivery of the article would, no question, have been made upon the
spot, had not the vendor repented of his bargain the next moment after
it was concluded: on that account he still kept the dog in his own
possession, and endeavoured, during the week's respite, to dispose his
friend's mind to the cancelling of the contract. He, however, insisted
on the punctual fulfilment of the treaty--letter and spirit. Never had
Mr. Schnackenberger been so much disturbed in mind as at this period.
Simply with the view of chasing away the nervous horrors which possessed
his spirits, he had mounted his scare-crow and ridden abroad into the
country. A remittance, which he had lately received from home, was still
in his purse; and, said he to himself, suppose I were just to ride off
to the baths at B---- about fifteen miles distant! Nobody would know me
there; and I might at any rate keep Juno a fortnight longer! And exactly
in this way it had happened that Mr. Schnackenberger had come to B----.

At this instant, he was indebted to a lucky accident for a momentary
diversion of his thoughts from the danger which threatened him in regard
to Juno. Amongst other visitors to the baths, who were passing by at
this early hour, happened to be the Princess of * *. Her carriage drew
up at the very moment when Mr. Jeremiah, having dismounted from the sow,
was descending the ladder: with her usual gracious manner, she
congratulated the student upon his happy deliverance; and, finding that
he was a countryman of her own, she invited him to a ball which she gave
on the evening of that day, in honour of the King's birthday.

Now it must be acknowledged that a ball-room was not exactly the stage
on which Mr. Schnackenberger's habits of life had qualified him for
shining: however, the pleasure of a nearer acquaintance with the
interesting princess--held out too flattering a prospect to allow of
his declining her invitation. Just at this moment Juno returned.

Meantime the fire (occasioned probably by a spark falling from the
landlady's lamp amongst the straw under the staircase) had been
extinguished: and Mrs. Sweetbread, who had at length been roused at the
back, now made her appearance; and with many expressions of regret for
what had happened to Mr. Schnackenberger, who had entirely
re-established himself in her esteem by his gold-laden purse, and also
by what she called his 'very handsome behaviour' to the horse-dealer,
she requested that he would be pleased to step into one of her back
rooms; at the same time, offering to reinstate his clothes in wearable
condition by drying them as rapidly as possible: a necessity which was
too clamorously urgent for immediate attention--to allow of the dripping
student's rejecting her offer.

CHAPTER VI.

IN WHAT MANNER MR. JEREMIAH PREPARED HIMSELF FOR THE BALL.

As Mr. Jeremiah stood looking out of the window for the purpose of
whiling away a tedious forenoon, it first struck his mind--upon the
sight of a number of men dressed very differently from himself--that
his wardrobe would scarcely match with the festal splendour of the
_fete_ at which he was to be present in the evening. Even if it had been
possible to overlook the tarnished lustre of his coat, not much
embellished by its late watery trials upon the golden sow, yet he could
not possibly make his appearance in a surtout. He sent therefore to one
tailor after another: but all assured him that they had their hands much
too full of business to undertake the conversion of his surtout into a
dress coat against the evening; still less could they undertake to make
a new one. Just as vainly did he look about for shoes: many were on
sale; but none of them with premises spacious enough to accommodate his
very respectable feet.

All this put him into no little perplexity. True it was, that Mrs.
Sweetbread had spontaneously thrown open to his inspection the wardrobe
of her deceased husband. But even _he_ had contrived to go through this
world in shoes of considerably smaller dimensions than Mr. Jeremiah
demanded. And from a pretty large choice of coats there was not one
which he could turn to account. For, to say nothing of their being one
and all too short by a good half ell, even in the very best of them he
looked precisely as that man looks who has lately slaughtered a hog, or
as that man looks who designs to slaughter a hog.

Now, then, when all his plans for meeting the exigencies of his case had
turned out abortive, suddenly a bold idea struck him. In a sort of
inspiration he seized a pair of scissors, for the purpose of converting
with his own untutored hand of genius his pea-green surtout into a
pea-green frock. This operation having, in his own judgment, succeeded
to a marvel, he no longer hesitated to cut out a pair of ball shoes from
his neat's-leather 'field-pieces.' Whatever equipments were still
wanting could be had for money, with the exception of a shirt; and, as
to _that_, the wedding shirt of the late Mr. Sweetbread would answer the
purpose very passably.

What provoked our hero most of all were the new patent shoe-buckles, the
fine points of which would not take firm hold of the coarse leather
shoes, but on every bold step burst asunder--so that he was obliged to
keep his eye warily upon them, and in consideration of their tender
condition, to set his feet down to the ground very gently.

The hostess had just sunk pretty deep into her customary failing of
intoxication, when he went to her and asked how he looked in his gala
dress.

'Look!' said she; 'why, like a king baked in gingerbread. Ah! now, such
a man as you is the man for my money:--stout, and resolute, and active,
and a man that----'

'Basta! sufficit, my dear.'

'To be sure, for his professional merit, I mustn't say anything against
the late Mr. Sweetbread: No, nobody must say anything against _that_: he
was the man for slaughtering of swine; Oh! he slaughtered them, that it
was beautiful to see! pigs in particular, and pigs in general, were what
he understood. Ah! lord! to my dying day I shall never forget the great
sow that he presented to our gracious princess when she was at the
baths, two years come Michaelmas. Says her Highness to him, says
she,--"Master," says she, "one may see by your look that you understand
how to fatten: anybody," says she, "may see it in his face: a child may
see it by the very look on him. Ah!" says her Highness, "he's the man
for swine: he was born to converse with hogs: he's a heaven-born curer
of bacon."--Lord! Mr. Schnackenberger, you'll not believe how these
gracious words revived my very heart! The tears came into my eyes, and I
couldn't speak for joy. But, when all's said and done, what's fame?
what's glory? say I. A man like you is the man for me: but for such
another lazy old night-cap as the late Mr. Sweetbread----'

'Bah! sufficit, sweetheart;' at the same time squeezing her hand, which
she took as an intimation that she ought not to trouble herself with the
past, but rather look forward to a joyous futurity.

As the hour drew near for presenting himself in the circle of the
princess, Mr. Jeremiah recommended to her the most vigilant care of
Juno, from whom he very unwillingly separated himself in these last days
of their connection--and not until he had satisfied himself that it was
absolutely impossible to take her with him to the ball. Another
favourite, namely, his pipe, ought also, he feared, in strict propriety
to be left behind. But in the first place, 'who knows,' thought he, 'but
there may be one room reserved for such ladies and gentlemen as choose
to smoke?' And, secondly, let _that_ be as it might, he considered that
the great _meerschaum_[22] head of his pipe--over which he watched as
over the apple of his eye--could nowhere be so safely preserved as in
his own pocket: as to any protuberance that it might occasion, _that_ he
valued not at a rush. Just as little did he care for the grotesque
appearance of the mouth-piece, which in true journeyman's fashion stuck
out from the opening of his capacious pocket to a considerable distance.

[22] '_Meerschaum_:' I believe a particular kind of clay, called
'sea-spray,' from its fineness and lightness, from which the boles of
pipes are made in Turkey--often at enormous prices, and much imported
into Germany, where they are in great request. Such is the extent of
_my_ knowledge on the subject; or perhaps of my ignorance. But, in fact,
I know nothing about it.

'And now don't you go and forget some people in the midst of all this
show of powdered puppies,' cried the landlady after him.

'Ah! my darling!' said he, laughing, 'just mind Juno: have an eye to
Juno, my darling;' and for Juno's sake he suppressed the '_old witch_,'
that his lips were itching a second time to be delivered of.

CHAPTER VII.

MR. SCHNACKENBERGER IS ENAMOURED, AND OF WHOM; AND WHAT PROSPECTS OPEN
UPON HIM IN HIS PURSUIT OF 'LA BELLE PASSION.'

At the hotel of the princess, all the resources of good taste and
hospitality were called forth to give _eclat_ to the _fete_, and do
honour to the day; and by ten o'clock, a very numerous and brilliant
company had already assembled.

So much the more astounding must have been the entry of Mr. Jeremiah
Schnackenberger; who, by the way, was already familiar to the eyes of
many, from his very public entrance into the city on the preceding
evening, and to others from his morning's exhibition on the golden sow.
His eyes and his thoughts being occupied by the single image of the
fascinating hostess, of course it no more occurred to him to remark that
his self-constructed coat was detaching itself at every step from its
linings, whilst the pockets of the ci-devant surtout still displayed
their original enormity of outline--than in general it would ever have
occurred to him that the _tout ensemble_ of his costume was likely to
make, and _had_, in fact, made a very great sensation.

This very general attention to Mr. Schnackenberger, and the total
unconsciousness of this honour on the part of Mr. Schnackenberger
himself, did not escape the notice of the princess; and, at the first
opportunity, she dispatched a gentleman to draw his attention to the
indecorum of his dress--and to put him in the way of making the proper
alterations. Laughter and vexation struggled in Mr. Schnackenberger's
mind, when he became aware of the condition of his equipments: and he
very gladly accompanied the ambassador of his hostess into a private
room, where clothes and shoes were furnished him, in which he looked
like any other reasonable man. On his return to the ball-room, he lost
no time in making his acknowledgments to the princess, and explaining
the cause of his unbecoming attire. The princess, with a natural
goodness of heart and true hospitality, was anxious to do what she could
to restore her strange guest to satisfaction with himself, and to
establish him in some credit with the company: she had besides
discovered with pleasure that amidst all his absurdities, Mr.
Schnackenberger was really a man of some ability: on these several
considerations, therefore, she exerted herself to maintain a pretty long
conversation with him; which honour Mr. Jeremiah so far misinterpreted,
as to ascribe it to an interest of a very tender character. To Mr.
Schnackenberger, who had taken up the very extraordinary conceit that
his large person had some attractions about it, there could naturally be
nothing very surprising in all this: and he felt himself called upon not
to be wanting to himself, but to push his good fortune. Accordingly, he
kept constantly about the person of the princess: let her move in what
direction she would, there was Mr. Jeremiah Schnackenberger at hand
ready to bewitch her with his conversation; and, having discovered that
she was an amateur of botany, and purposed visiting a botanical garden
on the following day, he besieged her with offers of his services in the
capacity of guide.

'Possibly, when the time comes,' said the princess, aloud, 'I shall
avail myself of your goodness;' and the visible displeasure, with which
she withdrew herself from his worrying importunities, so obviously
disposed all the bystanders to smile--that Mr. Schnackenberger himself
became alive to his own _betise_, and a blush of shame and vexation
suffused his countenance. What served at the moment greatly to
exasperate these feelings, was the behaviour of a certain Mr. Von
Pilsen--who had from the first paid uncommon attention to the very
extraordinary phenomenon presented by Mr. Schnackenberger's person--had
watched the whole course of the persecutions with which he had
distressed the princess--and at this moment seemed quite unable to set
any bounds to his laughter. In extreme dudgeon, Mr. Schnackenberger
hastened into one of the most remote apartments, and flung himself back
upon a sofa. Covering his, eyes with his hands, he saw none of the
numbers who passed by him. But the first time that he looked up, behold!
a paper was lying upon his breast. He examined it attentively; and found
the following, words written in pencil, to all appearance by a female
hand: 'We are too narrowly watched in this place. To-morrow morning
about nine o'clock! The beautiful botanic gardens will secure us a
fortunate rendezvous.'

'Aye,' said Mr. Jeremiah, 'sure enough it's from her!' He read the note
again and again: and the more unhappy he had just now been, so much the
more was he now intoxicated with his dawning felicities.

CHAPTER VIII.

IN WHICH JUNO PLAYS A PRINCIPAL PART.

The rattling of a chain through crashing glass and porcelain, which
spread alarm through the ball-room, would hardly have drawn Mr.
Schnackenberger's attention in his present condition of rapturous
elevation, had not the well-known voice of Juno reached his ears at the
same moment. He hurried after the sound--shocked, and to be shocked. The
fact was simply this: Juno had very early in the evening withdrawn
herself from the _surveillance_ of the Golden Sow, and had followed her
master's steps. Often ejected from the mansion of the princess, she had
as often returned; so that at last it was thought best to chain her up
in the garden. Unfortunately, a kitten belonging to a young female
attendant of the princess had suddenly run past; Juno made a rush after
it; the chain broke away from the woodwork of the kennel; the
panic-struck kitten retreated into the house--taking the first road
which presented: close upon the rear of the kitten pressed Juno and her
chain; close upon the rear of Juno pressed the young woman in anguish
for her kitten's life, and armed with a fly-flapper; and, the road
happening to lead into the ball-room, the whole train--pursuers and
pursued--helter-skelter fell into the quarters of the waltzers. The
kitten attempted to take up a position behind a plateau on one of the
side-boards: but from this she was immediately dislodged by Juno; and
the retreat commencing afresh right across the side-boards which were
loaded with refreshments, all went to wreck--glasses and china, all was
afloat--sherbet and lemonade, raspberry-vinegar and orgeat: and at the
very moment when Mr. Jeremiah returned, the belligerent powers dripping
with celestial nectar--having just charged up a column of dancers--were
wheeling through the door by which he had entered: and the first check
to the wrath of Juno was the seasonable arrest of her master's voice.

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