Torchy As A Pa
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"Young man," says I severe, "I want you to lay off that slang stuff.
Ditch it. It ain't lady like or refined. And in future when you converse
with your parents see that you do it respectful and proper. Get me?"
At which 'Ikky-boy looks bored. "Whee!" he remarks boisterous, makin' a
grab for Buddy's stubby tail and missin' it.
"Perfectly absurd!" snorts Auntie, retirin' haughty to the bay window.
"Disqualified!" says I, under my breath. "Might as well go the limit,
Snoodlekins. We'll have to grow up in our own crude way."
That was the state of affairs when this Mrs. Proctor Butt comes crashin'
in on the scene of our strained domestic relations. Trust her to appear
at just the wrong time. Mrs. Buttinski I call her, and she lives up to
the name.
She's a dumpy built blond party, Mrs. Proctor Butt, with projectin'
front teeth, bulgy blue eyes and a hurried, trottin' walk like a duck
makin' for a pond. Her chief aim in life seems to be to be better posted
on your affairs than you are yourself, and, of course, that keeps her
reasonably busy. Also she's a lady gusher from Gushville. Now, I don't
object to havin' a conversational gum drop tossed at me once in a while,
sort of offhand and casual. But that ain't Mrs. Buttinski's method. She
feeds you raw molasses with a mixin' spoon. Just smears you with it.
"Isn't it perfectly wonderful," says she, waddlin' in fussy, "that your
dear darling little son should be two years old? Do you know, Mrs.
Robert Ellins just told me of what an important day it was in the lives
of you two charming young people, so I came right over to congratulate
you. And here I discover you all together in your beautiful little home,
proud father and all. How fortunate!"
As she's beamin' straight at me I has to give her some comeback. "Yes,
you're lucky, all right," says I. "Another minute and you wouldn't found
me here, for I was just----"
Which is where I gets a frown and a back-up signal from Vee. She don't
like Mrs. Proctor Butt a bit more'n I do but she ain't so frank about
lettin' her know it.
"Oh, please don't run away," begs Mrs. Butt. "You make such an ideal
young couple. As I tell Mr. Butt, I just can't keep my eyes off you two
whenever I see you out together."
"I'm sure that's nice of you to say so," says Vee, blushin'.
"Oh, every one thinks the same of you, my dear," says the lady. "Only I
simply can't keep such things to myself. I have such an impulsive
nature. And I adore young people and children, positively adore them.
And now where is the darling little baby that I haven't seen for months
and months? You'll forgive my running in at this unseasonable hour, I
know, but I just couldn't wait another day to--oh, there he is, the
darling cherub! And isn't that a picture for an artist?"
He'd have to be some rapid-fire paint slinger if he was to use 'Ikky-boy
as a model just then for him and Buddy was havin' a free-for-all mix-up
behind the davenport that nothing short of a movie camera would have
done justice to.
"Oh, you darling little fellow!" she gurgles on. "I must hold you in my
arms just a moment. Please, mother mayn't I?"
"I--I'm afraid you would find him rather a lively armful just now,"
warns Vee. "You see, when he gets to playing with Buddy he's apt to----"
"Oh, I sha'n't mind a bit," says Mrs. Butt. "Besides, the little dears
always seem to take to me. Do let me have him for a moment?"
"You get him, Torchy," says Vee.
So after more or less maneuverin' I untangles the two, shuts Buddy in
another room, and deposits 'Ikky-boy, still kickin' and strugglin'
indignant, in whatever lap Mrs. Butt has to offer.
Then she proceeds to rave over him. It's enough to make you seasick.
Positively. "Oh, what exquisite silky curls of spun gold!" she gushes.
"And such heavenly big blue eyes with the long lashes, and his 'ittle
rosebud mousie. O-o-o-o-o!"
From that on all she spouts is baby talk, while she mauls and paws him
around like he was a sack of meal. I couldn't help glancin' at Auntie,
for that's one thing she and Vee have agreed on, that strangers wasn't
to be allowed to take any such liberties with baby. Besides, Auntie
never did have any use for this Mrs. Butt anyway and hardly speaks to
her civil when she meets her. Now Auntie is squirmin' in her chair and I
can guess how her fingers are itchin' to rescue the youngster.
"Um precious 'ittle sweetums, ain't oo?" gurgles Mrs. Butt, rootin' him
in the stomach with her nose. "Won't um let me tiss um's tweet 'ittle
pinky winky toes?"
She's just tryin' to haul off one of his shoes when 'Ikky-boy cuts loose
with the rough motions, fists and feet both in action, until she has to
straighten up to save her hat and her hair.
"Dess one 'ittle toe-tiss?" she begs.
"Say," demands 'Ikky-boy, pushin' her face away fretful, "where oo get
'at stuff?"
"Wha-a-at?" gasps Mrs. Butt.
"Lay off 'at, tant you?" says he "Oo--oo give 'Ikky-boy a big pain, Oo
does. G'way!"
"Why, how rude!" says Mrs. Butt, gazin' around bewildered; and then, as
she spots that approvin' smile on Auntie's face, she turns red in the
ears.
Say, I don't know when I've seen the old girl look so tickled over
anything. What she's worked up is almost a grin. And there's no doubt
that Mrs. Butt knows why it's there.
"Of course," says she, "if you approve of such language----" and handin'
the youngster over to Vee she straightens her lid and makes a quick
exit.
"Bing!" says I. "I guess we got a slap on the wrist that time."
"I don't care a bit," says Vee, holdin' her chin well up. "She had no
business mauling baby in that fashion."
"I ain't worryin' if she never comes back," says I, "only I'd just
promised Auntie to train 'Ikky-boy to talk different and----"
"Under similar provocation," says Auntie, "I might use the same
expressions--if I knew how."
"Hip, hip, for Auntie!" I sings out. "And as for your not knowin' how,
that's easy fixed. 'Ikky-boy and I will give you lessons."
And say, after he'd finished his play and was about ready to be tucked
into his crib, what does the young jollier do but climb up in Auntie's
lap and cuddle down folksy, all on his own motion.
"Do you like your old Auntie, Richard?" she asks, smoothin' his red
curls gentle.
"Uh-huh," says 'Ikky-boy, blinkin' up at her mushy. "Oo's a swell
Auntie."
Are we back in the will again? I'll guess we are.
CHAPTER XI
LOUISE REVERSES THE CLOCK
It was one of Mr. Robert's cute little ideas, you might know. He's an
easy boss in a good many ways and I have still to run across a job that
I'd swap mine for, the pay envelopes being fifty-fifty. But say, when it
comes to usin' a private sec. free and careless he sure is an ace of
aces.
Maybe you don't remember, but I almost picked out his wife for him, and
when she'd set the date he turns over all the rest of the details to me,
even to providin' a minister and arrangin' his bridal tour. Honest I
expect when the time comes for him to step up and be measured for a set
of wings and a halo he'll look around for me to hold his place in the
line until his turn comes. And he won't be quite satisfied with the
arrangements unless I'm on hand.
So I ought to be prepared for 'most any old assignment to be hung on the
hook. I must say, though, that in the case of this domestic mix-up of
Mrs. Bruce Mackey's I was caught gawpin' on and unsuspectin'. In fact, I
was smotherin' a mild snicker at the situation, not dreamin' that I'd
ever get any nearer to it than you would to some fool movie plot you
might be watchin' worked out on the screen.
We happens to crash right into the middle of it, Vee and me, when we
drops in for our usual Sunday afternoon call on the Ellinses and finds
these week-end guests of theirs puttin' it up to Mr. and Mrs. Robert to
tell 'em what they ought to do. Course, this Mrs. Mackey is an old
friend of Mrs. Robert's and we'd seen 'em both out there before; in
fact, we'd met 'em when she was Mrs. Richard Harrington and Bruce was
just a sympathetic bachelor sort of danglin' around and makin' himself
useful. So it wasn't quite as if they'd sprung the thing on total
strangers.
And, anyway, it don't rate very rank as a scandal. Not as scandals run.
This No. 1 hubby, Harrington, had simply got what was coming to him,
only a little late. Never was cut out to play the lead in a quiet
domestic sketch. Not with his temperament and habits. Hardly. Besides,
he was well along in his sporty career when he discovered this
19-year-old pippin with the trustin' blue eyes and the fascinatin' cheek
dimples. But you can't tell a bad egg just by glancin' at the shell, and
she didn't stop to hold him in front of a candle. Lucky for the
suspender wearin' sex there ain't any such pre-nuptial test as that, eh?
She simply tucked her head down just above the top pearl stud, I
suppose, and said she would be his'n without inquirin' if that cocktail
breath of his was a regular thing or just an accident.
But she wasn't long in findin' out that it was chronic. Oh yes. He
wasn't known along Broadway as Dick Harry for nothing. He might be more
or less of a success as a corporation lawyer between 10:30 and 5 p. m.
in the daytime, but after the shades of night was well tied down and the
cabarets begun takin' the lid off he was apt to be missin' from the
fam'ly fireside. Wine, women and the deuces wild was his specialties,
and when little wifie tried to read the riot act to him at 3 a. m. he
just naturally told her where she got off. And on occasions, when the
deuces hadn't been runnin' his way, or the night had been wilder than
usual, he was quite rough about it.
Yet she'd stood for that sort of thing nine long years before applyin'
for a decree. She got it, of course, with the custody of the little girl
and a moderate alimony allowance. He didn't even file an answer, so it
was all done quiet with no stories in the newspapers. And then for eight
or ten years she'd lived by herself, just devotin' all her time to
little Polly, sendin' her to school, chummin' with her durin' vacations,
and tryin' to make her forget that she had a daddy in the discards.
Must have been several tender-hearted male parties who was sorry for a
lonely grass widow who was a perfect 36 and showed dimples when she
laughed, but none of 'em seemed to have the stayin' qualities of Bruce
Mackey. He had a little the edge on the others, too, because he was an
old fam'ly friend, havin' known Dick Harry both before and after he got
the domestic dump. At that, though, he didn't win out until he'd almost
broken the long distance record as a patient waiter, and I understand it
was only when little Miss Polly got old enough to hint to Mommer that
Uncle Bruce would suit her first rate as a stepdaddy that the match was
finally pulled off.
And now Polly, who's barely finished at boardin' school, has announced
that she intends to get married herself. Mommer has begged her weepy not
to take the high dive so young, and pointed out where she made her own
big mistake in that line. But Polly comes back at her by declarin' that
her Billy is a nice boy. There's no denyin' that. Young Mr. Curtis seems
to be as good as they come. He'd missed out on his last year at college,
but he'd spent it in an aviation camp and he was just workin' up quite a
rep. as pilot of a bombin' plane when the closed season on Hun towns was
declared one eleventh of November. Then he'd come back modest to help
his father run the zinc and tinplate trust, or something like that, and
was payin' strict attention to business until he met Polly at a football
game. After that he had only one aim in life, which was leadin' Polly up
the middle aisle with the organ playin' that breath of Eden piece.
Well, what was a fond mommer to do in a case like that? Polly admits
being a young person, but she insists that she knows what she wants. And
one really couldn't find any fault with Billy. She had had Bruce look up
his record and, barrin' a few little 9 a. m. police court dates made for
him by grouchy traffic cops, it was as clean as a new shirt front. True,
he had been born in Brooklyn, but his family had moved to Madison Avenue
before he was old enough to feel the effects.
So at last Mrs. Mackey had given in. Things had gone so far as settlin'
the date for the weddin'. It was to be some whale of an affair, too, for
both the young folks had a lot of friends and on the Curtis side
especially there was a big callin' list to get invitations. Nothing but
a good-sized church would hold 'em all.
Which was where Bruce Mackey, usually a mild sort of party and kind of
retirin', had come forward with the balky behavior.
"What do you think?" says Mrs. Bruce. "He says he won't go near the
church."
"Eh?" demands Mr. Robert, turnin' to him. "What do you mean by that,
Bruce?"
Mr. Mackey shakes his head stubborn. "Think I can stand up there before
a thousand or more people and give Polly away?" says he. "No. I--I
simply can't do it."
"But why not?" insists Mrs. Robert.
"Well, she isn't my daughter," says he, "and it isn't my place to be
there. Dick should do it."
"But don't you see, Bruce," protests Mrs. Mackey, "that if he did I--I
should have to--to meet him again?"
"What of it?" says Bruce. "It isn't likely he'd beat you in church. And
as he is Polly's father he ought to be the one to give her away. That's
only right and proper, as I see it."
And there was no arguin' him out of that notion. He came from an old
Scotch Presbyterian family. Bruce Mackey did, and while he was easy
goin' about most things now and then he'd bob up with some hard-shell
ideas like this. Principles, he called 'em. Couldn't get away from 'em.
"But just think, Bruce," goes on Mrs. Mackey, "we haven't seen each
other for ever so many years. I--I wouldn't like it at all."
"Hope you wouldn't," says Bruce. "But I see no other way. You ought to
go to the church with him, and he ought to bring you home afterwards. He
needn't stay for the reception unless he wants to. But as Polly's
father----"
"Oh, don't go over all that again," she breaks in. "I suppose I must do
it. That is, if he's willing. I'll write him and ask if he is."
"No," says Bruce. "I don't think you ought to write. This is such a
personal matter and a letter might seem--well, too formal."
"What shall I do, then?" demands Mrs. Mackey. "Telephone?"
"I hardly think one should telephone a message of that sort," says
Bruce. "Someone ought to see him, explain the situation, and get his
reply directly."
"Then you go, Bruce, dear," suggests Mrs. Mackey.
No, he shies at that. "Dick would resent my coming on such an errand,"
says Bruce. "Besides, I should feel obliged to urge him that it was his
duty to go, and if he feels inclined to refuse---- Well, of course, we
have done our part."
"Then you rather hope he'll refuse to come?" she asks.
"I don't allow myself to think any such thing," says Bruce. "It wouldn't
be right. But if he should decide not to it would be rather a relief,
wouldn't it? In that ease I suppose I should be obliged to act in his
stead. He ought to be asked, though."
Mr. Robert chuckles. "I wish I had an acrobatic conscience such as
yours, Bruce," says he. "I could amuse myself for hours watching it turn
flip-flops."
"Too bad yours died so young," Bruce raps back at him.
"Oh, I don't know," says Mr. Robert. "There are compensations. I don't
grow dizzy trying to follow it when it gets frisky. To get back to the
main argument, however; just how do you think the news should be broken
to Dick Harrington?"
"Someone ought to go to see him," says Bruce; "a--a person who could
state the circumstances fairly and sound him out to see how he felt
about it. You know? Someone who would--er----"
"Do the job like a Turkish diplomat inviting an Armenian revolutionist
to come and dine with him in some secluded mosque at daybreak, eh?" asks
Mr. Robert. "Polite, but not insistent, I suppose?"
"Oh, something like that," says Bruce.
"He's right here," says Mr. Robert.
"I beg pardon?" says Bruce, starin'.
"Torchy," says Mr. Robert. "He'll do it with finesse and finish, and if
there's any way of getting Dick to hang back by pretending to push him
ahead our young friend who cerebrates in high speed will discover the
same."
"Ah, come, Mr. Robert!" says I.
"Oh, we shall demand no miracles," says he. "But you understand the
situation. Mr. Mackey's conscience is on the rampage and he's making
this sacrifice as a peace offering. If the altar fires consume it,
that's his look out. You get me, I presume?"
"Oh, sure!" says I. "Sayin' a piece, wasn't you?"
Just the same, I'm started out at 2:30 Monday afternoon to interview Mr.
Dick Harrington on something intimate and personal. Mr. Robert has been
'phonin' his law offices and found that Mr. Harrington can probably be
located best up in the Empire Theatre building, where they're havin' a
rehearsal of a new musical show that he's interested in financially.
"With a sentimental interest, no doubt, in some sweet young thing who
dances or sings, or thinks she does," comments Mr. Robert. "Anyway, look
him up."
And by pushin' through a lot of doors that had "Keep Out" signs on 'em,
and givin' the quick back up to a few fresh office boys, I trails Mr.
Dick Harrington into the dark front of a theatre where he's sittin' with
the producer and four of the seven authors of the piece watchin' a stage
full of more or less young ladies in street clothes who are listenin'
sort of bored while a bald-headed party in his shirt sleeves asks 'em
for the love of Mike can't they move a little less like they was all
spavined.
Don't strike me as just the place to ask a man will he stand up in
church and help his daughter get married, but I had my orders. I slips
into a seat back of him, taps him on the shoulder, and whispers how I
have a message for him from his wife as was.
"From Louise?" says he. "The devil you say!"
"I could put it better," I suggests, "if we could find a place where
there wasn't quite so much competition."
"Very well," says he. "Let's go back to the office. And by the way,
Marston, when you get to that song of Mabel's hold it until I'm through
with this young man."
And when he's towed me to the manager's sanctum he demands: "Well,
what's gone wrong with Louise?"
"Nothing much," says I, "except that Miss Polly is plannin' to be
married soon."
"Married!" he gasps. "Polly? Why, she's only a child!"
"Not at half past nineteen," says I. "I should call her considerable
young lady."
"Well, I'll be blanked!" says he. "Little Polly grown up and wanting to
be married! She ought to be spanked instead. What are they after; my
consent, eh?"
"Oh, no," says I. "It's all settled. Twenty-fifth of next month at St.
Luke's. You're cast for the giving away act."
"Wh-a-at?" says he, his heavy under jaw saggin' astonished. "Me?"
"Fathers usually do," says I, "when they're handy."
"And in good standing," he adds. "You--er--know the circumstances, I
presume?"
"Uh-huh," says I. "Don't seem to make any difference to them, though.
They've got you down for the part. Church weddin', you know; big mob,
swell affair. I expect that's why they think everything ought to be
accordin' to Hoyle."
"Just a moment, young man," says he, breathin' a bit heavy. "I--I
confess this is all rather disturbing."
It was easy to see that. He's fumblin' nervous with a gold cigarette
case and his hand trembles so he can hardly hold a match. Maybe some of
that was due to his long record as a whiteway rounder. The puffy bags
under the eyes and the deep face lines couldn't have been worked up
sudden, though.
"Can you guess how long it has been since I have appeared in a church?"
he goes on. "Not since Louise and I were married. And I imagine I wasn't
a particularly appropriate figure to be there even then. I fear I've
changed some, too. Frankly now, young man, how do you think I would look
before the altar?"
"Oh, I'm no judge," says I. "And I expect that with a clean shave and in
a frock coat----"
"No," he breaks in, "I can't see myself doing it. Not before all that
mob. How many guests did you say?"
"Only a thousand or so," says I.
He shudders. "How nice!" says he. "I can hear 'em whispering to each
other: 'Yes that's her father--Dick Harry, you know. She divorced him,
and they say----' No, no, I--I couldn't do it. You tell Louise that----
Oh, by the way! What about her? She must have changed, too. Rather stout
by this time, I suppose?"
"I shouldn't say so," says I. "Course I don't know what she used to be,
but I'd call her more or less classy."
"But she is--let me see--almost forty," he insists.
"You don't mean it?" says I, openin' my mouth to register surprise. This
looked like a good line to me and I thought I'd push it. "Course," I
goes on, "with a daughter old enough to wear orange blossoms, I might
have figured that for myself. But I'll be hanged if she looks it. Why,
lots of folks take her and Polly for sisters."
He's eatin' that up, you can see. "Hm-m-m!" says he, rubbin' his chin.
"I suppose I would be expected to--er--meet her there?"
"I believe the program is for you to take her to the church and bring
her back for the reception," says I. "Yes, you'd have a chance for quite
a reunion."
"I wonder how it would seem, talking to Louise again," says he.
"Might be a little awkward at first," says I, "but----"
"Do you know," he breaks in, "I believe I should like it. If you think
she's good looking now, young man, you should have seen her at 19, at
22, or at 25. What an ass I was! And now I suppose she's like a full
blown rose, perfect, exquisite?"
"Oh, I don't mean she's any ravin' beauty," says I, hedgin'.
"You don't, eh?" says he. "Well, I'd just like to see. You may tell her
that I will----No, I'll 'phone her myself. Where is she?"
And all the stallin' around I could do didn't jar him away from that
idea. He seems to have forgotten all about this Mabel person who was
going to sing. He wanted to call up Louise right away. And he did.
So I don't have any chesty bulletin to hand Mr. Robert when I gets back.
"Well?" says he. "Did you induce him to give the right answer?"
"Almost," says I. "Had him panicky inside of three minutes."
"And then?" asks Mr. Robert.
"I overdid the act," says I. "Talked too much. He's coming."
Mr. Robert shrugs his shoulders. "Serves Bruce right," says he. "I
wonder, though, how Louise will take it."
For a couple of days she took it hard. Just talking over the 'phone with
Dick Harrington left her weak and nervous. Said she couldn't sleep all
that night for thinking what it would be like to meet an ex-hubby that
she hadn't seen for so long. She tried to picture how he would look, and
how she would look to him. Then she braced up.
"If I must go through it," she confides to Mrs. Robert, "I mean to look
my best."
Isn't that the female instinct for you?
As a matter of fact I'd kind of thrown it into him a bit strong about
what a stunner she was. Oh, kind of nice lookin', fair figure, and
traces of a peaches and cream complexion. There was still quite a high
voltage sparkle in the trustin' blue eyes and the cheek dimples was
still doin' business. But she was carryin' more or less excess weight
for her height and there was the beginnings of a double chin. Besides,
she always dressed quiet and sort of matronly.
From the remarks I heard Vee make, though, just before the weddin', I
judge that Louise intended to go the limit. While she was outfittin'
Polly with the snappiest stuff to be found in the Fifth Avenue shops she
picked some for herself. I understand, too, that she was makin' reg'lar
trips to a beauty parlor, and all that.
"How foolish!" I says to Vee. "I hope when you get to be forty you won't
try to buy your way back to 25. It simply can't be done."
"Really?" says Vee, givin' me one of them quizzin' looks.
And, say, that's my last stab at givin' off the wise stuff about the
nose powderin' sex. Pos-itively. For I've seen Louise turn the clock
back. Uh-huh! I can't tell how it was done, or go into details of the
results, but when she sails into that front pew on the big day, with
Dick Harrington trailin' behind, I takes one glance at her and goes
bug-eyed. Was she a stunner? I'll gurgle so. What had become of that
extra 20 pounds I wouldn't even try to guess. But she's right there with
the svelte figure, the school girly flush, and the sparklin' eyes.
Maybe it was the way the gown was built. Fits like the peel on a banana.
Or the pert way she holds her head, or the general excitement of the
occasion. Anyway, mighty few 20-year-old screen favorites would have had
anything on her.
As for Dick Harry--Well, he's spruced up quite a bit himself, but you'd
never mistake him for anything but an old rounder who's had a clean
shave and a face massage. And he just can't seem to see anything but
Louise. Even when he has to leave and join the bridal procession his
eyes wander back to that front pew where she was waitin'. And after it's
all over I sees him watchin' her fascinated while she chatters along
lively.
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