Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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Pat d----d the devil and all his works--swore "by the fiery furnace of
Beelzebub, and that's the devil's own bed-chamber, that was the man
that nibbled the Jontleman's _dive_,{2} and must have _ding'd away the
wipe_,{3} or else what should he _bolt_{4} for?--that he was up to the
_rum slum_,{5}

1 A former landlord of the house facetiously christened it
the Russian Hotel, and had the words painted under the sign
of Bruin.

2 _Nibbled the Jontleman's dive_--Picked the gentleman's
pocket.

3 _Ding'd away the wipe_--Passed away the handkerchief to
another, to escape detection. This is a very common practice
in London: two or three in a party will be near, without
appearing to have the least knowledge of, or connexion with
each other, and the moment a depredation is committed by
one, he transfers the property to one of his pals, by whom
it is conveyed perhaps to the third, who decamps with it to
some receiver, who will immediately advance money upon it;
while, if any suspicion should fall upon the first, the
second will perhaps busy himself in his endeavours to secure
the offender, well knowing no proof of possession can be
brought against him.

4 _Bolt_--Run away; try to make an escape.

5 _Rum slum_--Gammon--queer talk or action, in which some
fraudulent intentions are discoverable or suspected.

~86~~and down upon the _kiddies_{1}--and sure enough you're _boned,_{2}
my dear boy."

Some of the officers came in, and appeared to know the prisoner well,
as if they had been acquainted with each other upon former official
business; but as the lost property was not found upon him, it was the
general opinion that nothing could be done, and the accused began to
exercise his wit upon Murphy, which roused Pat's blood:

"For the least thing, you know, makes an Irishman roar."

At length, upon charging him with having been caught _blue-pigeon
flying,_{3} Pat gave him the lie in his teeth--swore he'd fight him for
all the _blunt_{4} he had about him, "which to be sure," said he, "is
but a sweet pretty half-a-crown, and be d----d to you--good luck
to it! Here goes," throwing the half-crown upon the floor, which the
prisoner attempted to pick up, but was prevented by Pat's stamping his
foot upon it, while he was _doffing his jacket_,{5} exclaiming--

"Arrah, be after putting your dirty fingers in your pocket, and don't
spoil the King's picture by touching it--devil burn me, but I'll _mill
your mug to muffin dust_{6} before I'll give up that beautiful looking
bit; so tip us your mauley,{7} and no more blarney."

1 Down upon the Kiddies--To understand the arts and
manouvres of thieves and sharpers.

2 Boned--Taken or secured.

s Blue pigeon flying--The practice of stealing lead from
houses, churches, or other buildings. A species of
depredation very prevalent in London and its vicinity, and
which is but too much encouraged by the readiness with which
it can be disposed of to the plumbers in general.

4 Blunt--A flash term for money.

5 Doffing his Jacket--Taking off his jacket.

6 Mill your mug to muffin dust--The peculiarity of the Irish
character for overstrained metaphor, may perhaps, in some
degree, account for the Hibernian's idea of beating his head
to flour, though he was afterwards inclined to commence his
operations in the true style and character of the prize
ring, where

"Men shake hands before they box, Then give each other
plaguy knocks, With all the love and kindness of a brother."

7 Tip us your mauley--Give me your hand. Honour is so sacred
a thing with the Irish, that the rapid transition from a
violent expression to the point of honour, is no uncommon
thing amongst them; and in this instance it is quite clear
that although he meant to mill the mug of his opponent to
muffin dust, he had a notion of the thing, and intended to
do it in an honourable way.

~87~~During this conversation, the spectators, who were numerous, were
employed in endeavouring to pacify the indignant Hibernian, who by this
time had buffid it, or, in other words, _peeled in prime twig_,{1} for
a regular _turn to._{2} All was noise and confusion, when a new group
of persons entered the room--another capture had been made, and another
charge given. It was however with some difficulty that honest Pat Murphy
was prevailed upon to remain a little quiet, while one of the officers
beckoned Dashall out of the room, and gave him to understand that the
man in custody, just brought in, was a well-known _pal_{3} of the one
first suspected, though they took not the least notice of each other
upon meeting. In the mean time, another officer in the room had been
searching the person of the last captured, from whose bosom he drew the
identical handkerchief of Bob; and the Irishman recollected seeing him
in the crowd opposite the Opera House.

This cleared up the mystery in some degree, though the two culprits
affected a total ignorance of each other. The property of the person
who had given the last charge was also discovered, and it was deemed
absolutely necessary to take them before the Magistrate. But as some
new incidents will arise on their introduction to the office, we shall
reserve them for the next Chapter.

1 Buff'd it, or peeled in prime twig--Stripped to the skin
in good order. The expressions are well known, and
frequently in use, among the sporting characters and lovers
of the fancy.

2 Turn to, or set to--The commencement of a battle.

3 Pal--A partner or confederate.

CHAPTER VIII

Houses, churches, mixt together,
Streets unpleasant in all weather;
Prisons, palaces contiguous,
Gates, a bridge--the Thames irriguous;
Gaudy things, enough to tempt ye,
Showy outsides, insides empty;
Bubbles, trades, mechanic arts,
Coaches, wheelbarrows, and carts;
Warrants, bailiffs, bills unpaid,
Lords of laundresses afraid;
Rogues, that nightly rob and shoot men,
Hangmen, aldermen, and footmen;
Lawyers, poets, priests, physicians,
Noble, simple, all conditions;
Worth beneath a thread-bare cover,
Villainy bedaubed all over;
Women, black, red, fair, and grey,
Prudes, and such as never pray;
Handsome, ugly, noisy still,
Some that will not, some that will;
Many a beau without a shilling,
Many a widow not unwilling;
Many a bargain, if you strike it:--
This is London--How d'ye like it?

~88~~ON entering the Public Office, Bow-street, we must leave our
readers to guess at the surprise and astonishment with which the Hon.
Tom Dashall and his Cousin beheld their lost friend, Charles Sparkle,
who it appeared had been kindly accommodated with a lodging gratis in
a neighbouring watch-house, not, as it may readily be supposed, exactly
suitable to his taste or inclination. Nor was wonder less excited in the
mind of Sparkle at this unexpected meeting, as unlooked for as it
was fortunate to all parties. There was however no opportunity at the
present moment for an explanation, as the worthy Magistrate immediately
proceeded to an investigation of the case just brought before him, upon
which there was no difficulty in deciding. The charge was made, the
handkerchief sworn to, and the men, who ~89~~were well known as old
hands upon the town, committed for trial. The most remarkable feature in
the examination being the evidence of Pat Murphy, who by this time
had recollected that the man who was taken with the property about his
person, was the very identical aggressor who had offended him while the
hod of mortar was on his shoulder, before the conversation commenced
between himself and Tom opposite the Opera-house.

"Sure enough, your Honour," said he, "its a true bill. I'm an Irishman,
and I don't care who knows it--I don't fight under false colours, but
love the land of potatoes, and honour St. Patrick. That there man with
the _blue toggery_{1} tipp'd me a bit of blarney, what did not suit my
stomach. I dropp'd my load, which he took for an order to quit, and so
_mizzled_{2} out of my way, or by the big bull of Ballynafad, I'd have
powdered his wig with brick-dust, and bothered his bread-basket with a
little human kindness in the shape of an Irishman's fist; and then that
there other dirty end of a shelalah, while the Jontleman--long life to
your Honour, (bowing to Tom Dashall)--was houlding a bit of conversation
with Pat Murphy, _grabb'd_{3} his pocket-handkerchief, and was after
shewing a leg,{4} when a little boy that kept his oglers upon 'em, let
me into the secret, and let the cat out of the bag by bawling--Stop
thief! He darted off like a cow at the sound of the bagpipes, and I
boulted a'ter him like a good'un; so when I came up to him, Down you go,
says I, and down he was; and that's all I know about the matter."

As the prisoners were being taken out of court, the Hibernian followed
them. "Arrah," said he, "my lads, as I have procured you a lodging for
nothing, here's the half-a-crown, what the good-looking Jontleman gave
me; it may sarve you in time of need, so take it along with you, perhaps
you may want it more than I do; and if you know the pleasure of spending
money that is honestly come by, it may teach you a lesson that may keep
you out of the clutches of Jock Ketch, and save

1 Blue toggery--Toggery is a flash term for clothing in
general, but is made use of to describe a blue coat.

2 Mizzled--Ran away.

3 Grabb'd--Took, or stole.

4 Shewing a leg--or, as it is sometimes called, giving leg-
bail--making the best use of legs to escape detection.

~90~~you from dying in a horse's night-cap{1}--there, be off wid you."

The Hon. Tom Dashall, who had carefully watched the proceedings of Pat,
could not help moralizing upon this last act of the Irishman, and the
advice which accompanied it. "Here," said he to himself, "is a
genuine display of national character. Here is the heat, the fire, the
effervescence, blended with the generosity and open-heartedness, so much
boasted of by the sons of Erin, and so much eulogized by travellers who
have visited the Emerald Isle." And slipping a sovereign into his hand,
after the execution of a bond to prosecute the offenders, each of them
taking an arm of Sparkle, they passed down Bow-street, conversing on the
occurrences in which they had been engaged, of which the extraordinary
appearance of Sparkle was the most prominent and interesting.

"How in the name of wonder came you in such a scrape?" said Tom.

"Innocently enough, I can assure you," replied Sparkle--"with my usual
luck--a bit of gig, a lark, and a turn up.{2}

"... 'Twas waxing rather late,
And reeling bucks the street began to scour,
While guardian watchmen, with a tottering gait,
Cried every thing quite clear, except the hour."

1 Horse's night-cap--A halter.

2 A bit of gig--a lark--a turn up--are terms made use of to
signify a bit of fun of any kind, though the latter more
generally means a fight. Among the bucks and bloods of the
Metropolis, a bit of fun or a lark, as they term it, ending
in a milling match, a night's lodging in the watch-house,
and a composition with the Charleys in the morning, to avoid
exposure before the Magistrate, is a proof of high spirit--a
prime delight, and serves in many cases to stamp a man's
character. Some, however, who have not courage enough to
brave a street-row and its consequences, are fond of fun of
other kinds, heedless of the consequences to others. "Go it,
my boys," says one of the latter description, "keep it up,
huzza! I loves fun--for I made such a fool of my father last
April day:--but what do you think I did now, eh?--Ha! ha!
ha!--I will tell you what makes me laugh so: we were
keeping it up in prime twig, faith, so about four o'clock in
the morning 1 went down into the kitchen, and there was Dick
the waiter snoring like a pig before a blazing fire--done
up, for the fellow can't keep it up as we jolly boys do: So
thinks 1, I'll have you, my boy--and what does I do, but I
goes softly and takes the tongs, and gets a red hot coal as
big as my head, and plumpt it upon the fellow's foot and run
away, because I loves fun, you know: So it has lamed him,
and that makes me laugh so--Ha! ha! ha!--it was what I call
better than your _rappartees_ and your _bobinates_. I'll
tell you more too: you must know I was in high tip-top
spirits, faith, so I stole a dog from a blind man--for I do
loves fun: so then the blind man cried for his dog, and that
made me laugh heartily: So says I to the blind man--Hallo,
Master, what a you a'ter, what is you up to? does you want
your dog?--Yes, Sir, says he. Now only you mark what I said
to the blind man--Then go and look for him, old chap, says
I--Ha! ha! ha!--that's your sort, my boy, keep it up, keep
it up, d---- me. That's the worst of it, I always turn
sick when I think of a Parson--I always do; and my brother
he is a parson too, and he hates to hear any body swear: so
you know I always swear like a trooper when I am near him,
on purpose to roast him. I went to dine with him one day
last week, and there was my sisters, and two or three more
of what you call your modest women; but I sent 'em all from
the table, and then laugh'd at 'em, for I loves fun, and
that was fun alive 0. And so there was nobody in the room
but my brother and me, and I begun to swear most sweetly: I
never swore so well in all my life--I swore all my new
oaths; it would have done you good to have heard me swear;
till at last my brother looked frightened, and d---- me that
was good fun. At last, he lifted up his hands and eyes to
Heaven, and calls out _O tempora, O mores!_ But I was not to
be done so. Oh! oh! Brother, says I, what you think to
frighten me by calling all your family about you; but I
don't care for you, nor your family neither--so stow it--
I'll mill the whole troop--Only bring your Tempora and Mores
here, that's all--let us have fair play, I'll tip 'em the
Gas in a flash of lightning--I'll box 'em for five pounds,
d---- me: here, where's Tempora and Mores, where are they?
My eyes, how he did stare when he see me ready for a set to--
I never laugh'd so in my life--he made but two steps out of
the room, and left me master of the field. What d'ye
think of that for a lark, eh?--Keep it up--keep it up, d----
me, says I--so I sets down to the table, drank as much as I
could--then I mix'd the heel-taps all in one bottle, and
broke all the empty ones--then bid adieu to Tempora and
Mores, and rolled home in a hackney-coach in prime and
plummy order, d---- me."

"Coming along Piccadilly last night after leaving you, I was overtaken
at the corner of Rupert-street by our old college-companion Harry
Hartwell, pursuing his way to the Hummums, where it seems he has taken
up his abode. Harry, you remember, never was exactly one of us; he
studies too much, and pores everlastingly over musty old volumes of
Law Cases, Blackstone's Commentaries, and other black books, to qualify
himself for the black art, and as fit and proper person to appear at
the Bar. The length of time that had elapsed since our last meeting was
sufficient inducement for us to crack a bottle together; ~92~~so taking
his arm, we proceeded to the place of destination, where we sat talking
over past times, and indulging our humour till half-past one o'clock,
when I sallied forth on my return to Long's, having altogether abandoned
my original intention of calling in Golden-square. At the corner of
Leicester-square, my ears were assailed with a little of the night
music--the rattles were in full chorus, and the Charleys, in prime
twig,{1} were mustering from all quarters.

[Illustration: page92 Tom and Bob Catching a Charley Napping]

"The street was all alive, and I made my way through the crowd to the
immediate scene of action, which was rendered peculiarly interesting by
the discovery of a dainty bit of female beauty shewing fight with half
a dozen watchmen, in order to extricate herself from the grasp of these
guardians of our peace. She was evidently under the influence of
the Bacchanalian god, which invigorated her arm, without imparting
discretion to her head, and she laid about her with such dexterity, that
the old files{2} were fearful of losing their prey; but the odds were
fearfully against her, and never did I feel my indignation more aroused,
than when I beheld a sturdy ruffian aim a desperate blow at her head
with his rattle, which in all probability, had it taken the intended
effect, would have sent her in search of that peace in the other world,
of which she was experiencing so little in this. It was not possible
for me to stand by, an idle spectator of the destruction of a female
who appeared to have no defender, whatever might be the nature of the
offence alleged or committed. I therefore warded off the blow with my
left arm, and with my right gave him a well-planted blow on the conk,{3}
which sent him piping into the kennel. In a moment I was surrounded and
charged with a violent assault upon the charley,{4} and interfering with
the guardians of the night in the execution of their duty. A complete
diversion took place from the original object of their fury, and in the
bustle to secure me, the unfortunate girl made her escape, where to, or
how, heaven

1 Prime twig--Any thing accomplished in good order, or with
dexterity: a person well dressed, or in high spirits, is
considered to be in prime twig.

2 Old Jiles--A person who has had a long course of
experience in the arts of fraud, so as to become an adept in
the manouvres of the town, is termed a deep file--a rum
file, or an old file.

3 Conk--The nose.

4 Charley--A watchman.

~93~~only knows. Upon finding this, I made no resistance, but marched
boldly along with the scouts{1} to St. Martin's watch-house, where we
arrived just as a hackney coach drew up to the door.

"Take her in, d----n her eyes, she shall _stump up the rubbish_{2}
before I leave her, or give me the address of her _flash covey_,{3}
and so here goes." By this time we had entered the watch-house, where
I perceived the awful representative of justice seated in an arm chair,
with a good blazing fire, smoking his pipe in consequential ease.
A crowd of Charleys, with broken lanterns, broken heads, and other
symptoms of a row, together with several casual spectators, had gained
admittance, when Jarvis entered, declaring--By G----he wouldn't be
choused by any wh----re or cull in Christendom, and he would make 'em
come down pretty handsomely, or he'd know the reason why: "And so please
your Worship, Sir"--then turning round, "hallo," said he, "Sam, what's
becom'd of that there voman--eh--vhat, you've been playing booty eh, and
let her escape." The man to whom this was intended to be addressed did
not appear to be present, as no reply was made. However, the case was
briefly explained.

"But, by G----, I von't put any thing in Sam's vay again," cried
Jarvey.{4} For my own part, as I knew nothing of the occurrences
adverted to, I was as much in the dark as if I had gone home without
interruption. The representations of the Charleys proved decisive
against me--in vain I urged the cause of humanity, and the necessity
I felt of protecting a defenceless female from the violence of
accumulating numbers, and that I had done no more than every man ought
to have done upon such an occasion. _Old puff and swill_, the lord
of the night, declared that I must have acted with malice
afore-thought--that I was a pal in the concern, and that I had been
instrumental in the design of effecting a rescue; and, after a very
short deliberation, he concluded that I must be a notorious rascal, and
desired me to make up my mind to remain with him for the remainder of
the night. Not relishing this, I proposed to send for bail, assuring him
of my

1 Scouts--Watchmen.

3 Stump up the rubbish--Meaning she (or he) shall pay, or
find money.

3 Flash covey--A fancy man, partner or protector

4 Jarvey--A coachman.

~94~~attendance in the morning; but was informed it could not be
accepted of, as it was clearly made out against me that I had committed
a violent breach of the peace, and nothing at that time could be
produced that would prove satisfactory. Under these circumstances, and
partly induced by a desire to avoid being troublesome in other quarters,
I submitted to a restraint which it appeared I could not very well
avoid, and, taking my seat in an arm-chair by the fire-side, I soon fell
fast asleep, from which I was only aroused by the occasional entrances
and exits of the guardians, until between four and five o'clock, when
a sort of general muster of the Charleys took place, and each one
depositing his nightly paraphernalia, proceeded to his own habitation.
Finding the liberation of others from their duties would not have the
effect of emancipating me from my confinement, which was likely to
be prolonged to eleven, or perhaps twelve o'clock, I began to feel
my situation as a truly uncomfortable one, when I was informed by the
watch-house keeper, who resides upon the spot, that he was going to
_turn in_,{1} that there was fire enough to last till his wife turn'd
out, which would be about six o'clock, and, as I had the appearance of a
gentleman, if there was any thing I wanted, she would endeavour to make
herself useful in obtaining it. "But Lord," said he, "there is no such
thing as believing any body now-a-days--there was such sets out, and
such manouvering, that nobody knew nothing of nobody."

"I am obliged to you, my friend," said I, "for this piece of
information, and in order that you may understand something of the
person you are speaking to beyond the mere exterior view, here is
half-a-crown for your communication."

"Why, Sir," said he, laying on at the same moment a shovel of coals,
"this here makes out what I said--Don't you see, said I, that 'are
Gentleman is a gentleman every inch of him, says I--as don't want
nothing at all no more nor what is right, and if so be as how he's got
himself in a bit of a hobble, I knows very well as how he's got
the tip{2} in his pocket, and does'nt want for spirit to pull it
out--Perhaps you might like some breakfast, sir?"

1 Turn in--Going to bed. This is a term most in use among
seafaring men.

2 Tip is synonymous with blunt, and means money.

~95~~"Why yes," said I--for I began to feel a little inclined that way.

"O my wife, Sir," said he, "will do all you want, when she rouses
herself."

"I suppose," continued I, "you frequently have occasion to accommodate
persons in similar situations?"

"Lord bless you! yes, sir, and a strange set of rum customers we have
too sometimes--why it was but a few nights ago we had 'em stowed here
as thick as three in a bed. We had 'em all upon the _hop_{1}--you never
see'd such fun in all your life, and this here place was as full of
curiosities as Pidcock's at Exeter Change, or Bartlemy-fair--Show 'em up
here, all alive alive O!"

"Indeed!" said I, feeling a little inquisitive on the subject; "and how
did this happen?"

"Why it was a _rummish_ piece of business altogether. There was a large
party of dancing fashionables all met together for a little jig in St.
Martin's lane, and a very pretty medley there was of them. The fiddlers
wagg'd their elbows, and the lads and lasses their trotters, till about
one o'clock, when, just as they were in the midst of a quadrille, in
burst the officers, and quickly changed the tune. The appearance of
these gentlemen had an instantaneous effect upon all parties present:
the cause of their visit was explained, and the whole squad taken into
custody, to give an account of themselves, and was brought here in
hackney-coaches. The delicate Miss and her assiduous partner, who, a
short time before had been all spirits and animation, were now sunk in
gloomy reflections upon the awkwardness of their situation; and many of
our inhabitants would have fainted when they were informed they would
have to appear before the Magistrate in the morning, but for the
well-timed introduction of a little drap of the _cratur_, which an Irish
lady ax'd me to fetch for her. But the best of the fun was, that in the
group we had a Lord and a Parson! For the dignity of the one, and the
honour of the other, they were admitted to bail--Lord have mercy upon
us! said the Parson--Amen, said the Lord; and this had the desired
effect upon the Constable of the night, for he let them off on the sly,
you understand: But my eyes what work there was in the morning! sixteen
Jarveys, full of live lumber,