Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"Who clouds his reason by the light of day,
And falls to drink, an early and an easy prey."

"Well," said Bob, "I cannot help thinking this poor fellow, who has
already betrayed his fears, will be inclined to make any apology for his
rudeness to-morrow."

"If he does not," said Tom, "I'll wing him, to a certainty--a
jackanapes--a puppy--a man-milliner; perhaps a thing of shreds and
patches--he shall not go unpunished, I promise you; so come along, we
will just step in here, and I'll dispatch this business at once: I'll
write a challenge, and then it will be off my hands." And so saying,
they entered a Coffee-house, where, calling for pen, ink and paper, Tom
immediately began his epistle, shrewdly hinting to his Cousin, that he
expected he would act as his Second. "It will be a fine opportunity for
introducing your name to the gay world--the newspapers will record your
name as a man of ton. Let us see now how it will appear:--On ---- last,
the Honourable Tom Dashall, attended by his Cousin, Robert Tallyho, Esq.
of Belleville Hall, met--ah, by the bye, let us see who he is," here he
felt in his pocket for the card.

Bob, however, declared his wish to decline obtaining popularity by being
present upon such an occasion, and suggested the idea of his calling
upon the offender, and endeavouring to effect an amicable arrangement
between them.

"Hallo!" exclaimed Tom with surprise, as he drew the card from his
pocket, and threw it on the table--"Ha, ha, ha,--look at that."

Tallyho looked at the card without understanding it. "What does it
mean?" said he.

~76~~"Mean," replied Tom, "why it is a Pawnbroker's duplicate for a
Hunting Watch, deposited with his uncle this morning in St. Martin's
Lane, for two pounds--laughable enough--well, you may dismiss your fears
for the present; but I'll try if I can't find my man by this means--if
he is worth finding--at all events we have found a watch."

Bob now joined in the laugh, and, having satisfied the Waiter, they
sallied forth again.

Just as they left the Coffee-house, "Do you see that Gentleman in the
blue great coat, arm in arm with another? that is no other than the
----. You would scarcely conceive, by his present appearance, that
he has commanded armies, and led them on to victory; and that having
retired under the shade of his laurels, he is withering them away,
leaf by leaf, by attendance at the _hells_{1} of the metropolis; his
unconquerable spirit still actuating him in his hours of relaxation. It
is said that the immense sum awarded to him for his prowess in war,
has been so materially reduced by his inordinate passion for play, that
although he appears at Court, and is a favourite, the demon Poverty
stares him in the face. But this is a vile world, and half one hears is
not to be believed. He is certainly extravagant, fond of women, and fond
of wine; but all these foibles are overshadowed with so much glory as
scarcely to remain perceptible. Here is the Palace," said Tom, directing
his Cousin's attention to the bottom of the street.

Bob was evidently struck at this piece of information, as he could
discover no mark of grandeur in its appearance to entitle it to the
dignity of a royal residence.

"It is true," said Tom, "the outside appearance is not much in its
favour; but it is venerable for its antiquity, and for its being till
lately the place at which the Kings of this happy Island have held their
Courts. On the site of that palace originally stood an hospital,
founded before the conquest, for fourteen leprous females, to whom eight
brethren were afterwards added, to assist in the performance of divine
service."

"Very necessary," said Bob, "and yet scarcely sufficient."

1 Hells--The abode or resort of black-legs or gamblers,
where they assemble to commit their depredations on the
unwary. But of these we shall have occasion to enlarge
elsewhere.

~77~~"You seem to quiz this Palace, and are inclined to indulge your wit
upon old age. In 1532, it was surrendered to Henry viii. and he erected
the present Palace, and enclosed St. James's Park, to serve as a place
of amusement and exercise, both to this Palace and Whitehall. But it
does not appear to have been the Court of the English Sovereigns, during
their residence in town, till the reign of Queen Ann, from which time it
has been uniformly used as such.

"It is built of brick; and that part which contains the state
apartments, being only one story high, gives it a regular appearance
outside. The State-rooms are commodious and handsome, although there is
nothing very superb or grand in the decorations or furniture.

"The entrance to these rooms is by a stair-case which opens into the
principal court, which you now see. At the top of the stair-case are
two rooms; one on the left, called the Queen's, and the other the King's
Guard-room, leading to the State-apartments. Immediately beyond the
King's Guard-room is the Presence-chamber, which contains a canopy,
and is hung with tapestry; and which is now used as a passage to the
principal rooms.

"There is a suite of five rooms opening into each other successively,
fronting the Park. The Presence-chamber opens into the centre room,
which is denominated the Privy-chamber, in which is a canopy of
flowered-crimson velvet, generally made use of for the King to receive
the Quakers.

"On the right are two drawing-rooms, one within the other. At the upper
end of the further one, is a throne with a splendid canopy, on which the
Kings have been accustomed to receive certain addresses. This is called
the Grand Drawing-room, and is used by the King and Queen on certain
state occasions, the nearer room being appropriated as a kind of
ante-chamber, in which the nobility, &c. are permitted to remain while
their Majesties are present in the further room, and is furnished with
stools, sofas, &c. for the purpose. There are two levee-rooms on the
left of the privy-chamber, on entering from the King's guard-room and
presence-chamber, the nearer one serving as an ante-chamber to the
other. They were all of them, formerly, meanly furnished, but at the
time of the marriage of our present King, they were elegantly fitted
up. The walls are now covered with tapestry, very beautiful, and of rich
colours--tapestry which, although it ~73~~was made for Charles II. had
never been used, having by some accident lain unnoticed in a chest, till
it was discovered a short time before the marriage of the Prince.

"The canopy of the throne was made for the late-Queen's birth-day, the
first which happened after the union of Great Britain and Ireland. It
is made of crimson velvet, with very broad gold lace, embroidered with
crowns set with fine and rich pearls. The shamrock, emblematical of the
Irish nation, forms a part of the decorations of the British crown, and
is executed with great taste and accuracy.

"The grand drawing-room contains a large, magnificent chandelier of
silver, gilt, but I believe it has not been lighted for some years; and
in the grand levee-room is a very noble bed, the furniture of which is
of Spitalfields manufacture, in crimson velvet. It was first put up with
the tapestry, on the marriage of the present King, then Prince of Wales.

"It is upon the whole an irregular building, chiefly consisting of
several courts and alleys, which lead into the Park. This, however, is
the age of improvement, and it is said that the Palace will shortly
be pulled down, and in the front of St. James's Street a magnificent
triumphal arch is to be erected, to commemorate the glorious victories
of the late war, and to form a grand entrance to the Park.

"The Duke of York, the Duke of Clarence, the King's servants, and many
other dignified persons, live in the Stable-yard."

"In the Stable-yard!" said Bob, "dignified persons reside in a
Stable-yard, you astonish me!"

"It is quite true," said Tom, "and remember it is the Stable-yard of a
King."

"I forgot that circumstance," said Bob, "and that circumstances alter
cases. But whose carriage is this driving with so much rapidity?"

"That is His Highness the Duke of York, most likely going to pay a visit
to his royal brother, the King, who resides in a Palace a little further
on: which will be in our way, for it is yet too early to see much in
the Park: so let us proceed, I am anxious to make some inquiry about
my antagonist, and therefore mean to take St. Martin's Lane as we go
along."

With this they pursued their way along Pall Mall. The rapidity of Tom's
movements however afforded little opportunity for observation or remark,
till they ~79~~arrived opposite Carlton House, when he called his
Cousin's attention to the elegance of the new streets opposite to it.

"That," said he, "is Waterloo Place, which, as well as the memorable
battle after which it is named, has already cost the nation an immense
sum of money, and must cost much more before the proposed improvements
are completed: it is however, the most elegant street in London. The
want of uniformity of the buildings has a striking effect, and gives it
the appearance of a number of palaces. In the time of Queen Elizabeth
there were no such places as Pall Mall, St. James's-street, Piccadilly,
nor any of the streets or fine squares in this part of the town. That
building at the farther end is now the British Fire-office, and has a
pleasing effect at this distance. The cupola on the left belongs to a
chapel, the interior of which for elegant simplicity is unrivalled. To
the left of the centre building is a Circus, and a serpentine street,
not yet finished, which runs to Swallow Street, and thence directly
to Oxford Road, where another circus is forming, and is intended to
communicate with Portland Place; by which means a line of street,
composed of all new buildings, will be completed. Of this dull looking
place (turning to Carlton House) although it is the town-residence
of our King, I shall say nothing at present, as I intend devoting a
morning, along with you, to its inspection. The exterior has not the
most lively appearance, but the interior is magnificent."--During this
conversation they had kept moving gently on.

[Illustration: page79 The Kings Levee]

Bob was charmed with the view down Waterloo Place.

"That," said his Cousin, pointing to the Arcade at the opposite corner
of Pall Mall, "is the Italian Opera-house, which has recently assumed
its present superb appearance, and may be ranked among the finest
buildings in London. It is devoted to the performance of Italian operas
and French ballets, is generally open from December to July, and
is attended by the most distinguished and fashionable persons. The
improvements in this part are great. That church, which you see in the
distance over the tops of the houses, is St. Martin's in the fields."

"In the fields," inquired Bob; "what then, are we come to the end of the
town?"

~80~~"Ha! ha! ha!" cried Tom--"the end--no, no,--I was going to say
there is no end to it--no, we have not reached any thing like the
centre."

"_Blood an owns, boderation and blarney_," (said an Irishman, at that
moment passing them with a hod of mortar on his shoulder, towards the
new buildings, and leaving an ornamental patch as he went along on Bob's
shoulder) "but I'll be a'ter _tipping turnups_{l} to any b----dy
rogue that's tip to saying--_Black's the white of the blue part of Pat
Murphy's eye_; and for that there matter," dropping the hod of mortar
almost on their toes at the same time, and turning round to Bob--"By the
powers! I ax the Jontleman's pardon--tho' he's not the first Jontleman
that has carried mortar--where is that _big, bully-faced blackguard_
that I'm looking after?" During this he brushed the mortar off Tallyho's
coat with a snap of his fingers, regardless of where or on whom he
distributed it.

The offender, it seemed, had taken flight while Pat was apologizing, and
was no where to be found.

"Why what's the matter?" inquired Tom; "you seem in a passion."

"Och! not in the least bit, your honour! I'm only in a d----d rage. By
the mug of my mother--arn't it a great shame that a Jontleman of
Ireland can't walk the streets of London without having _poratees and
butter-milk_ throw'd in his gums?"--Hitching up the waistband of his
breeches--"It won't do at all at all for Pat: its a reflection on my own
native land, where--

"Is hospitality,
All reality,
No formality
There you ever see;
The free and easy
Would so amaze ye,
You'd think us all crazy,
For dull we never be."

These lines sung with an Irish accent, to the tune of "Morgan Rattler,"
accompanied with a snapping of his fingers, and concluded with a
something in imitation of

1 _Tipping Turnups_--This is a phrase made use of among the
_prigging_ fraternity, to signify a turn-up--which is to
knock down.

~81~~an Irish jilt, were altogether so truly characteristic of the
nation to which he belonged, as to afford our Heroes considerable
amusement. Tom threw him a half-crown, which he picked up with more
haste than he had thrown down the mortar in his rage.

"Long life and good luck to the Jontleman!" said Pat. "Sure enough,
I won't be after drinking health and success to your Honour's pretty
picture, and the devil pitch into his own cabin the fellow that would
be after picking a hole or clapping a dirty patch on the coat of St.
Patrick--whiskey for ever, your Honour, huzza--

"A drop of good whiskey
Would make a man frisky."

By this time a crowd was gathering round them, and Tom cautioned Bob in
a whisper to beware of his pockets. This piece of advice however came
too late, for his _blue bird's eye wipe_{l} had taken flight.

"What," said Bob, "is this done in open day?" "Are you all right and
tight elsewhere?" said Tom--"if you are, toddle on and say nothing about
it.--Open day!" continued he, "aye, the system of _frigging_{2}

1 _Blue bird's eye wipe_--A blue pocket handkerchief with
white spots.

2 A cant term for all sorts of thieving. The Life of the
celebrated George Barrington, of Old Bailey notoriety, is
admirably illustrative of this art; which by a more recent
development of Hardy Vaux, appears to be almost reduced to
a system, notwithstanding the wholesomeness of our laws and
the vigilance of our police in their administration. However
incredible it may appear, such is the force of habit and
association, the latter, notwithstanding he was detected and
transported, contrived to continue his depredations during
his captivity, returned, at the expiration of his term, to
his native land and his old pursuits, was transported a
second time, suffered floggings and imprison-ments, without
correcting what cannot but be termed the vicious
propensities of his nature. He generally spent his mornings
in visiting the shops of jewellers, watch-makers,
pawnbrokers, &c. depending upon his address and appearance,
and determining to make the whole circuit of the metropolis
and not to omit a single shop in either of those branches.
This scheme he actually executed so fully, that he believes
he did not leave ten untried in London; for he made a point
of commencing early every day, and went regularly through
it, taking both sides of the way. His practice on entering a
shop was to request to look at gold seals, chains,
brooches, rings, or any other small articles of value,
and while examining them, and looking the shopkeeper in the
face, he contrived by sleight of hand to conceal two or
three, sometimes more, as opportunities offered, in the
sleeve of his coat, which was purposely made wide. In this
practice he succeeded to a very great extent, and in the
course of his career was never once detected in the fact,
though on two or three occa-sions so much suspicion arose
that he was obliged to exert all his effrontery, and to use
very high language, in order, as the cant phrase is, to
bounce the tradesman out of it; his fashionable appearance,
and affected anger at his insinuations, always had the
effect of inducing an apology; and in many such cases he has
actually carried away the spoil, notwithstanding what passed
between them, and even gone so far as to visit the same shop
again a second and a third time with as good success as at
first. This, with his nightly attendance at the Theatres and
places of public resort, where he picked pockets of watches,
snuff-boxes, &c. was for a length of time the sole business
of his life. He was however secured, after secreting himself
for a time, convicted, and is now transported for life--as
he conceives, sold by another cele-brated Prig, whose real
name was Bill White, but better known by the title of Conky
Beau.

~82~~will be acted on sometimes by the very party you are speaking
to--the expertness with which it is done is almost beyond belief."

Bob having ascertained that his handkerchief was the extent of his loss,
they pursued their way towards Charing Cross.

"A line of street is intended," continued Tom, "to be made from the
Opera House to terminate with that church; and here is the King's Mews,
which is now turned into barracks."

"Stop thief! Stop thief!" was at this moment vociferated in their ears
by a variety of voices, and turning round, they perceived a well-dressed
man at full speed, followed pretty closely by a concourse of people. In
a moment the whole neighbourhood appeared to be in alarm. The up-stairs
windows were crowded with females--the tradesmen were at their
shop-doors--the passengers were huddled together in groups, inquiring of
each other--"What is the matter?--who is it?--which is him?--what has he
done?" while the pursuers were increasing in numbers as they went. The
bustle of the scene was new to Bob--Charing Cross and its vicinity was
all in motion.

"Come," said Tom, "let us see the end of this--they are sure to _nab_{l}
my gentleman before he gets much

1 _Nabbed or nibbled_--Secured or taken.

~83~~farther, so let us _brush_{1} on." Then pulling his Cousin by the
arm, they moved forward to the scene of action.

As they approached St. Martin's Lane, the gathering of the crowd, which
was now immense, indicated to Tom a capture.

"Button up," said he, "and let us see what's the matter."

"_Arrah be easy_" cried a voice which they instantly recognized to be no
other than Pat Murphy's. "I'll hold you, my dear, till the night after
Doomsday, though I can't tell what day of the year that is. Where's the
man wid the _gould-laced skull-cap_? Sure enough I tought I'd be up wi'
you, and so now you see I'm down upon you."

At this moment a Street-keeper made way through the crowd, and Tom
and Bob keeping close in his rear, came directly up to the principal
performers in this interesting scene, and found honest Pat Murphy
holding the man by his collar, while he was twisting and writhing to get
released from the strong and determined grasp of the athletic Hibernian.

Pat no sooner saw our Heroes, than he burst out with a lusty "Arroo!
arroo! there's the sweet-looking jontleman that's been robbed by a dirty
_spalpeen_ that's not worth the tail of a rotten red-herring. I'll give
charge of dis here pick'd bladebone of a dead donkey that walks about in
God's own daylight, dirting his fingers wid what don't belong to him at
all at all. So sure as the devil's in his own house, and that's London,
you've had your pocket pick'd, my darling, and that's news well worth
hearing"--addressing himself to Dashall.

By this harangue it was pretty clearly understood that Murphy had been
in pursuit of the pickpocket, and Tom immediately gave charge.

The man, however, continued to declare he was not the right
person--"That, so help him G----d, the Irishman had got the wrong
bull by the tail--that he was a b----dy _snitch_{2} and that he would
_sarve him out_{3}--that he wished

1 _Brush_--Be off.

2 _Snitch_--A term made use of by the light-fingered tribe,
to signify an informer, by whom they have been impeached or
betrayed--So a person who turns king's evidence against his
accomplices is called a Snitch.

3 _Serve him out_--To punish, or be revenged upon any person
for any real or supposed injury.

~84~~he might meet him out of St. Giles's, and he would _wake_{ 1} him
with an _Irish howl_."

1 Wake with an Irish howl--An Irish Wake, which is no
unfrequent occurrence in the neighbourhood of St. Giles's
and Saffron Hill, is one of the most comically serious
ceremonies which can well be conceived, and certainly
baffles all powers of description. It is, however,
considered indispensable to wake the body of a de-ceased
native of the sister kingdom, which is, by a sort of mock
lying in state, to which all the friends, relatives, and
fellow countrymen and women, of the dead person, are
indiscriminately admitted; and among the low Irish this duty
is frequently performed in a cellar, upon which occasions
the motley group of assembled Hibernians would form a
subject for the pencil of the most able satirist.

Upon one of these occasions, when Murtoch Mulrooney, who had
suffered the sentence of the law by the common hangman, for
a footpad robbery, an Englishman was induced by a friend of
the deceased to accompany him, and has left on record the
following account of his entertainment:--

"When we had descended (says he) about a dozen steps, we
found ourselves in a subterraneous region, but fortunately
not uninhabited. On the right sat three old bawds, drinking
whiskey and smoking tobacco out of pipes about two inches
long, (by which means, I conceive, their noses had become
red,) and swearing and blasting between each puff. I was
immediately saluted by one of the most sober of the ladies,
and invited to take a glass of the enlivening nectar, and
led to the bed exactly opposite the door, where Murtoch was
laid out, and begged to pray for the repose of his precious
shoul. This, however, I declined, alleging that as the
parsons were paid for praying, it was their proper business.
At this moment a coarse female voice exclaimed, in a sort of
yell or Irish howl, 'Arrah! by Jasus, and why did you die,
honey?--Sure enough it was not for the want of milk, meal,
or tatoes.'

"In a remote corner of the room, or rather cellar, sat three
draymen, five of his majesty's body guards, four sailors,
six haymakers, eight chairmen, and six evidence makers,
together with three bailiffs' followers, who came by turns
to view the body, and take a drop of the _cratur_ to drink
repose to the shoul of their countryman; and to complete the
group, they were at-tended by the journeyman Jack Ketch. The
noise and confusion were almost stupefying--there were
praying--swearing--crying-howling--smoking--and drinking.

"At the head of the bed where the remains of Murtoch were
laid, was the picture of the Virgin Mary on one side, and
that of St. Patrick on the other; and at the feet was
depicted the devil and some of his angels, with the blood
running down their backs, from the flagellations which they
had received from the disciples of Ketigern. Whether the
blue devils were flying around or not, I could not exactly
discover, but the whiskey and _blue ruin_ were evidently
powerful in their effects.

"One was swearing--a second counting his beads--a
third descanting on the good qualities of his departed
friend, and about to try those of the whiskey--a fourth
evacuating that load with which he had already overloaded
himself--a fifth, declaring he could carry a fare, hear
mass, knock down a member of parliament, murder a peace
officer, and after all receive a pension: and while the
priest was making an assignation with a sprightly female
sprig of Shelalah, another was jonteelly picking his pocket.
I had seen enough, and having no desire to continue in such
company, made my escape with as much speed as I could from
this animated group of persons, assembled as they were upon
so solemn an occasion."

~85~~With conversation of this kind, the party were amused up St.
Martin's lane, and on the remainder of the road to Bow-street, followed
by many persons, some of whom pretended to have seen a part of the
proceedings, and promised to give their evidence before the magistrate,
who was then sitting.

On arriving in Bow Street, they entered the Brown Bear,{1} a
public-house, much frequented by the officers, and in which is a
strong-room for the safe custody of prisoners, where they were shewn
into a dark back-parlour, as they termed it, and the officer proceeded
to search the man in custody, when lo and behold! the handkerchief was
not to be found about him.