Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"So," said Tom, "you are for springing game in all parts of the house,
and at all times too. How came you here?"--"Not by my appointment, Sir,"
replied the old lady, who still remained rolled up in the curtain. "I
never did such a thing in all my born days: I'm an honest woman, and
mean to remain so. I never was so ashamed in all my life."

~64~~"I believe the house is enchanted," cried Bob; "d---- me, I never
seem to step without being on a barrel of gunpowder, ready to ignite
with the touch of my foot. I have made some cursed blunder again, and
don't seem to know where I am."

"Come, come," said Dashall, "that won't do--I'm sure you had some design
upon my Housekeeper, who you hear by her own account is a good woman,
and won't listen to your advances."

By this time the servants had arrived at the door, and were alternately
peeping in, wondering to see the two gentlemen in such a situation, and
secretly giggling and enjoying the embarrassment of the old woman,
whose wig lay on the table, and who was displaying her bald pate and
shrivelled features from the bed-curtains, enveloped in fringe and
tassels, which only served to render them still more ludicrous.

Bob affected to laugh; said it was very odd--he could not account for
it at all--stammered out something like an apology--begg'd pardon--it
was--a mistake--he really took it for his own room--he never was
so bewildered in his life--was very sorry he should cause so much
alarm--but really had no sort of intention whatever.

"Well," said Dashall, "the best reparation you can now make for your
intrusion is a speedy retreat. Time is escaping, so come along;" and
taking him by the arm, they walked down the stairs together, and then
proceeded to re-fit without further obstruction, in order to be ready
for Sparkle, who was expected every minute.

The first day of Bob's residence in London had already been productive
of some curious adventures, in which he, unfortunately as he considered,
had sustained the principal character--a character not altogether
suitable to is inclinations or wishes, though productive of much
merriment to his ever gay and sprightly Cousin, who had witnessed the
embarrassment of his pupil upon his first entrance into Life with
ungovernable laughter. It was to him excellent sport, while it furnished
a good subject of speculation and conversation among the servants below,
but was not so well relished by the affrighted old house-keeper. Indeed,
the abrupt entrance of a man into her bed-chamber had so deranged her
ideas, that she was longer than usual in decking her person previous to
her ~65~~re-appearance. The tender frame of the old lady had been
subjected to serious agitations at the bare idea of such a visit, and
the probable imputations that might in consequence be thrown upon her
sacred and unspotted character; nor could she for some time recover her
usual serenity.

Such was the situation of the parties at the moment we are now
describing; but as our Heroes are preparing for an extensive, actual
survey of men, manners, and tilings, we shall for the present leave them
in peace and quietness, while we proceed to the next chapter.

CHAPTER VII

What shows! and what sights! what a round of delights
You'll meet in the gay scene of London;
How charming to view" amusements still new,
Twenty others you'll find soon as one's done.
At the gay scene at Court--Peers and gentry resort,
In pleasure you'll never miss one day:
There's the Opera treat, the parade in Bond Street,
And the crowd in Hyde Park on a Sunday.

~66~~TOM, whose wardrobe was extensive, found no difficulty, and lost no
time in preparing for the promenade; while, on the other hand, Tallyho
was perplexed to know how to tog himself out in a way suitable to
make his appearance in the gay world of fashion. Dashall had therefore
rapidly equipped himself, when, perceiving it was half-past eleven,
he was the more perplexed to account for the absence of Sparkle; for
although it was an early hour, yet, upon such an occasion as that of
initiating a new recruit, it was very extraordinary that he should not
have been prompt. However, he entered Tallyho's room, and found him
looking out of the window in a posture of rumination, probably revolving
in his mind the events of the morning.

"Come," said Tom, as he entered, "'tis time to be on the move, and if
Sparkle don't show in a few minutes, we'll set sail and call in upon him
at Long's, in Bond Street. Perhaps he is not well, or something prevents
his appearance--we'll make it in our way, and we have a fine day before
us."

"I am at your service," replied Bob, who could not help viewing the
elegance of his Cousin's appearance: the style of his dress, and the
neatness with which his garments fitted him, were all subjects of
admiration, and formed so strong a contrast with his own as almost
to excite envy. He had however attired himself in a way that befits a
fashionable country gentleman: a green coat, white waistcoat, buckskin
breeches, and boots, over ~67~~which a pair of leggings appeared, which
extended below the calf of the leg and half up the thigh, surmounted
with a _Lily Shallow_. Such was the costume in which he was destined to
show off; and thus equipped, after a few minutes they emerged from the
house in Piccadilly on the proposed ramble, and proceeded towards Bond
Street.

The first object that took their particular attention was the Burlington
Arcade. "Come," said Tom, "we may as well go this way," and immediately
they passed the man in the gold-laced hat, who guards the entrance to
prevent the admission of boys and improper persons. The display of the
shops, with the sun shining through the windows above, afforded much for
observation, and attracted Bob from side to side--to look, to wonder and
admire. But Tom, who was intent upon finding his friend Sparkle, urged
the necessity of moving onward with more celerity, lest he should be
gone out, and consequently kept drawing his Cousin forward. "Another and
a better opportunity will be afforded for explanation than the present,
and as speed is the order of the day, I hope you will not prove
disorderly; we shall soon reach Long's, and when we have Sparkle with
us, we have one of the most intelligent and entertaining fellows in
the world. He is a sort of index to every thing, and every body; his
knowledge of life and character, together with a facetiousness of
whim and manner, which he has in delineating them, are what we call
in London--_Prime and bang up to the mark_. There is scarcely a Lane,
Court, Alley, or Street, in the Metropolis, but what he knows, from the
remotest corners of Rag-Fair, to the open and elegant Squares of the
West, even to Hyde Park Corner. Memory, mirth, and magic, seem at all
times to animate his tongue, and, as the Song says,

"He is the hoy for bewitching 'em,
Whether good-humour'd or coy."

Indeed, he is the admiration of all who know him; wit, whim, frolic,
and fun, are constant companions with him, and I really believe, in a
dungeon or a palace, he would always appear the same."

By this time they had reached Bond Street, in their way to which,
each step they had taken, the streets and avenues of every description
appeared to Bob to be crowded to an excess; the mingling cries which
were ~68~~vociferated around them produced in his mind uncommon
sensations. The rattling of the carriages, the brilliance of the shops,
and the continual hum of the passengers, contributed to heighten the
scene.

"Bond Street," said Dashall, "is not one of the most elegant streets
in the vicinity of London, but is the resort of the most fashionable
people, and from about two o'clock till five, it is all bustle--all
life--every species of fashionable vehicle is to be seen dashing
along in gay and gallant pride. From two to five are the fashionable
shopping-hours, for which purpose the first families resort to this
well-known street--others, to shew their equipage, make an assignation,
or kill a little time; which is as much a business with some, as is the
more careful endeavours of others to seize him in his flight, and make
the most of his presence. The throng is already increasing; the variety,
richness, and gaiety of the shops in this street, will always be
attractive, and make it a popular rendezvous of both sexes. It will
shortly be as crowded as Rag Fair, or the Royal Exchange; and the magic
splendour has very peculiar properties.

"It makes the tradesman forget--while he is cheating a lovely and
smiling Duchess--that in all probability her ladyship is endeavouring to
cheat him. It makes the gay and airy, the furbelowed and painted lady of
the town, forget that she must pay a visit to her uncle,{1} in order
to raise the wind before she can make her appearance at the theatre
at half-price. It makes the dashing prisoner forget, that while "he
is sporting his figure in the bang-up style of appearance, he is only
taking his ride on a day-rule from the King's Bench. It makes the Lord
who drives four-in-hand forget his losses of the night before at some of
the fashionable gaming-houses. It makes one adventurer forget that the
clothes in which he expects to obtain respect and attention, are more
than likely to be paid for in Newgate; another for a time forgets that
_John Doe_ and _Richard Roe_ have expelled him from his

1 My Uncle is a very convenient and accommodating sort of
friend, who lives at the sign of the Three Balls, indicative
of his willingness to lend money upon good security, for the
payment of enormous interest. The original meaning of the
sign has puzzled the curious and antiquarians, and the only
probable meaning they can discover is, that it implies the
chances are two to one against any property being redeemed
after being once committed to the keeping of this tender
hearted and affectionate relative.

69~~lodgings; and a third that all his worldly possessions are not equal
to the purchase of a dinner. It is an _ignis fatuus_--a sort of magic
lantern replete with delusive appearances--of momentary duration--an
escape to the regions of noise, tumult, vanity, and frivolity, where the
realities of Life, the circumstances and the situation of the observer,
are not suffered to intrude.

"But to be seen in this street at a certain hour, is one of the
essentials to the existence of _haut-ton_--it is the point of attraction
for greetings in splendid equipages, from the haughty bend or familiar
nod of arrogance, to the humble bow of servility. Here mimicry without
money assumes the consequential air of independence: while modest merit
creeps along unheeded through the glittering crowd. Here all the senses
are tantalized with profusion, and the eye is dazzled with temptation,
for no other reason than because it is the constant business of a
fashionable life--not to live in, but out of self, to imitate the
luxuries of the affluent without a tithe of their income, and to
sacrifice morality at the altar of notoriety."

"Your description of this celebrated street, of which I have heard so
much," said Tallyho, "is truly lively."

"But it is strictly true," continued Tom.

They had now arrived at Long's, and found a barouche and four waiting at
the door. Upon entering, the first person they met was Lord Cripplegate,
whom they passed, and proceeded to the coffee-room; in one of the
boxes of which Tom immediately directed his Cousin's attention to a
well-dressed young man, who was reading the newspaper, and sipping his
coffee--"Take notice of him," said Tom.

Bob looked at him for a moment, marked his features, and his dress,
which was in the extreme of fashion; while Tom, turning to one of the
Waiters, enquired for his friend Sparkle.

"He has not been here since yesterday morning!" said the Waiter.

"I have been waiting for him these two hours!" exclaimed the young Sprig
of Fashion, laying down the newspaper almost at the same moment, "and
must wait till he comes--Ah! Mr. Dashall, how d'ye do?---very glad to
see you--left all well in the country, I hope!--Mr. Sparkle was to have
met me this morning at eleven precisely, I should judge he is gone into
the country."

"It must have been late last night, then," said Dashall, ~70~~"for he
left us about half-past ten, and promised also to meet us again this
morning at eleven; I can't think what can have become of him--but come,"
said he, taking Bob by the arm, "we must keep moving--Good morning--good
morning." And thus saying, walked directly out of the house, turning to
the right again towards Piccadilly.

"There is a remark made, I think by Goldsmith," said Tom, "that one half
of the world don't know how the other half lives; and the man I spoke to
in the coffee-room, whose name I am unacquainted with, though his person
is recognized by almost every body, while his true character, residence,
and means of subsistence, remain completely in obscurity, from what I
have seen of him, I judge is what may be termed a _hanger on_."

"A hanger on," said Bob--"what can that mean? I took him for a man of
property and high birth--but I saw you take so little notice of him."

"Ah! my good fellow, I have already cautioned you not to be duped by
appearances. A _hanger on_ is a sort of sycophant, or toad-eater,
and, in the coffee-houses and hotels of London, many such are to be
found--men who can _spin out a long yarn_, tell a tough story, and
tip you _a rum chant_--who invite themselves by a freedom of address
bordering on impudence to the tables and the parties of persons they
know, by pretending to call in by mere accident, just at the appointed
time: by assuming great confidence, great haste, little appetite, and
much business; but, at the same time, requiring but little pressure to
forego them all for the pleasure of the company present. What he
can have to do with Sparkle I am at a loss to conceive; but he is an
insinuating and an intriguing sort of fellow, whom I by no means like,
so I cut him."

Bob did not exactly understand the meaning of the word cut, and
therefore begged his Cousin to explain.

"The cut," said Tom, "is a fashionable word for getting rid, by rude
or any means, of any person whose company is not agreeable. The art of
_cutting_ is reduced to a system in London; and an explanatory treatise
has been written on the subject for the edification of the natives.{1}
But I am so bewildered to think what can have detained Sparkle, and
deprived us of his company, that I scarcely know how to think for a
moment on any other subject at present."

1 Vide a small volume entitled "The Cutter."

~71~~"It is somewhat strange!" cried Bob, "that he was not with you this
morning."

"There is some mystery in it," said Tom, "which time alone can unravel;
but however, we will not be deprived of our intended ramble." At this
moment they entered Piccadilly, and were crossing the road in their way
to St. James's Street, when Dashall nodded to a gentleman passing by on
the opposite side, and received a sort of half bow in return. "That,"
said Tom, "is a curious fellow, and a devilish clever fellow too--for
although he has but one arm, he is a man of science."

"In what way?" enquired Bob.

"He is a pugilist," said Tom--"one of those courageous gentlemen who can
queer the daylights, tap the claret, prevent telling fibs, and pop the
noddle into chancery; and a devilish good hand he is, I can assure you,
among those who

----"can combat with ferocious strife,
And beat an eye out, or thump out a life;
Can bang the ribs in, or bruise out the brains,
And die, like noble blockheads, for their pains."

[Illustration: page71 Fives Court]

"Having but one arm, of course he is unable to figure in the
ring--though he attends the mills, and is a constant visitor at the
Fives Court exhibitions, and generally appears _a la Belcher_. He prides
himself upon flooring a novice, and hits devilish hard with the glove. I
have had some lessons from this amateur of the old English science, and
felt the force of his fist; but it is a very customary thing to commence
in a friendly way, till the knowing one finds an opportunity which he
cannot resist, of shewing the superiority he possesses. So it was with
Harry and me, when he put on his glove. I use the singular number,
because he has but one hand whereon to place a glove withal. Come, said
he, it shall only be a little innocent spar. I also put on a glove,
for it would not be fair to attack a one-armed man with two, and no one
ought to take the odds in combat. To it we went, and I shewed _first
blood_, for he tapped _the claret_ in no time.

"Neat _milling we had_, what with _clouts on the nob_, Home hits in
the _bread-basket_, clicks in the gob, And plumps in the daylights, a
prettier treat Between two _Johnny Raws_ 'tis not easy to meet."

~72~~"I profited however by Harry's lessons, and after a short time was
enabled to return the compliment with interest, by sewing up one of his
_glimmers_.

"This is St. James's Street," continued he, as they turned the corner
rather short; in doing which, somewhat animated by the description he
had just been giving, Tom's foot caught the toe of a gentleman, who
was mincing along the pathway with all the care and precision of a
dancing-master, which had the effect of bringing him to the ground in an
instant as effectually as a blow from one of the fancy. Tom, who had
no intention of giving offence wantonly, apologized for the misfortune,
by--"I beg pardon, Sir," while Bob, who perceived the poor creature was
unable to rise again, and apprehending some broken bones, assisted him
to regain his erect position. The poor animal, or nondescript, yclept
Dandy, however had only been prevented the exercise of its limbs by the
stiffness of certain appendages, without which its person could not be
complete--the _stays_, lined with whalebone, were the obstacles to its
rising. Being however placed in its natural position, he began in an
affected blustering tone of voice to complain that it was d----d odd
a gentleman could not walk along the streets without being incommoded
by puppies--pulled out his quizzing glass, and surveyed our heroes from
head to foot--then taking from his pocket a smelling bottle, which, by
application to the nose, appeared to revive him, Tom declared he was
sorry for the accident, had no intention, and hoped he was not hurt.
This, however, did not appear to satisfy the offended Dandy, who turned
upon his heel muttering to himself the necessity there was of preventing
drunken fellows from rambling the streets to the annoyance of sober and
genteel people in the day-time.

Dashall, who overheard the substance of his ejaculation, broke from the
arm of Bob, and stepping after him without ceremony, by a sudden wheel
placed himself in the front of him, so as to impede his progress a
second time; a circumstance which filled Mr. Fribble with additional
alarm, and his agitation became visibly' depicted on his countenance.

"What do you mean?" cried Dashall, with indignation, taking the
imputation of drunkenness at that early hour in dudgeon. "Who, and
what are you, ~73~~Sir?{1} Explain instantly, or by the honour of a
gentleman, I'll chastise this insolence."

1 "What are you?" is a formidable question to a dandy of the
present day, for

"Dandy's a gender of the doubtful kind;
A something, nothing, not to be defined;
'Twould puzzle worlds its sex to ascertain,
So very empty, and so very vain."

It is a fact that the following examination of three of
these non-descripts took place at Bow Street a very short
time back, in consequence of a nocturnal fracas. The report
was thus given:

"Three young sprigs of fashion, in full dress, somewhat
damaged and discoloured by a night's lodging in the cell of
a watch-house, were yesterday brought before Mr. Birnie,
charged with disorderly conduct in the streets, and with
beating a watchman named Lloyd.

"Lloyd stated that his beat was near the Piazza, and at a
very late hour on Thursday night, the three defendants came
through Covent Garden, singing, and conducting themselves in
the most riotous manner possible. They were running, and
were followed by three others, all in a most uproarious
state of intoxication, and he thought proper to stop them;
upon which he was _floored san-ceremonie_, and when he
recovered his legs, he was again struck, and called '_a b----y
Charley_,' and other ungenteel names. He called for
the assistance of some of his brethren, and the defendants
were with some trouble taken to the watch-house. They were
very jolly on the way, and when lodged in durance, amused
themselves with abusing the Constable of the night, and took
especial care that no one within hearing of the watch-house
should get a wink of sleep for the remainder of the night.

Mr. Birnie.--"Well young gentleman, what have you to say to
this?" The one who undertook to be spokesman, threw himself
in the most familiar manner possible across the table, and
having fixed himself perfectly at his ease, he said, "The
fact was, they had been dining at a tavern, and were rather
drunk, and on their way through the Piazza, they endeavoured
by running away to give the slip to their three companions,
who were still worse than themselves. The others, however
called out Stop thief! and the watchman stopped them;
whereat they naturally felt irritated, and certainly gave
the watchman a bit of a thrashing."

Mr. Birnie.--"How was he to know you were not the thieves?
He did quite right to stop you, and I am very glad he has
brought you here--Pray, Sir, what are you?" Defendant.--"I
am nothing, Sir." Mr. Birnie (to another).--"And what are
you?" Defendant.--"Why, Sir, I am--I am, Sir, nothing." Mr.
Birnie.--"Well, this is very fine. Pray, Sir, (turning to
the third, who stood twirling his hat) will you do me the
favour to tell what you are?"

This gentleman answered in the same way. "I am, as my
friends observed, nothing."

Mr. Birnie.--"Well, gentlemen, I must endeavour to make
something of you. Here, gaoler, let them he locked up, and I
shall not part with them until I have some better account of
their occupations."

We have heard it asserted, that Nine tailors make a man. How
many Dandies, professing to be Nothing, may be required to
accomplish the proposed intention of making Something, may
(perhaps by this time) be discovered by the worthy
Magistrate. We however suspect he has had severe work of it.

~74~~"Leave me alone," exclaimed the almost petrified Dandy.

"Not till you have given me the satisfaction I have a right to demand,"
cried Tom. "I insist upon an explanation and apology--or demand your
card--who are you, Sir? That's my address," instantly handing him a
card. "I am not to be played with, nor will I suffer your escape, after
the insulting manner in which you have spoken, with impunity."

Though not prepared for such a rencontre, the Dandy, who now perceived
the inflexible temper of Tom's mind--and a crowd of people gathering
round him--determined at least to put on as much of the character of a
man as possible, and fumbled in his pocket for a card; at length finding
one, he slipped it into Tom's hand. "Oh, Sir," said he, "if that's the
case, I'm your man, _demmee_,--how, when, or where you please, 'pon
honor." Then beckoning to a hackney coach, he hobbled to the door,
and was pushed in by coachee, who, immediately mounted the box and
flourishing his whip, soon rescued him from his perilous situation, and
the jeers of the surrounding multitude.

Tom, who in the bustle of the crowd had slipped the card of his
antagonist into his pocket, now took Bob's arm, and they pursued their
way down St. James's Street, and could not help laughing at the affair:
but Tallyho, who had a great aversion to duelling, and was thinking of
the consequences, bit his lips, and expressed his sorrow at what
had occurred; he ascribed the hasty imputation of drunkenness to the
irritating effects of the poor creature's accident, and expressed his
hope that his cousin would take no further notice of it. Tom, however,
on the other ~75~~hand, ridiculed Bob's fears--told him it was a point
of honour not to suffer an insult in the street from any man--nor would
he--besides, the charge of drunkenness from such a thing as that, is not
to be borne. "D----n it, man, drunkenness in the early part of the day
is a thing I abhor, it is at all times what I would avoid if possible,
but at night there may be many apologies for it; nay in some cases even
to avoid it is impossible. The pleasures of society are enhanced
by it--the joys of love are increased by the circulation of the
glass--harmony, conviviality and friendship are produced by it--though I
am no advocate for inebriety, and detest the idea of the beast--