Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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~~278~~~ Sir Felix laughed heartily at this anecdote, and inquired of
his aunt whether she knew any of the Positive family in the North of
Ireland.

"Perfectly well," retorted the lady, "they are allied to the
_Wrongheads_ of the province of Munster!"

This reproof, which was hailed with applause by Tom and Bob,
dumb-foundered the Baronet, who became suddenly taciturn; but his
habitual good humour predominated, and conscious that he had brought
on himself the inflicted castigation, he resolved on a cessation of
hostilities for the remainder of the evening.

The invitation by Dashall having been without formal ceremony, and
unhesitatingly accepted by Miss Macgilligan and her nephew, they now, in
turn, claimed the like privilege of freedom, by soliciting the company
of the two Cousins to supper; a request which Tom and Bob cheerfully
acquiesced in; and the party immediately set out for the Baronet's
lodgings, preferring to walk the short distance, that they might view,
more leisurely, the accustomed illuminations on the anniversary of his
Majesty's birth-day.

The variegated lamps were tastefully arranged; but this effusion of
loyalty was rather of an interested than interesting description, being
confined wholly to the public-offices, the theatres, and the different
houses of his Majesty's tradesmen; no other habitation in this immense
metropolis bearing any external indication of attachment, on the part of
its occupant, to the Sovereign of the British Empire!

"Here comes a set of jolly fellows," exclaimed the Baronet, as the party
of friends turned into Bow-street from Covent-Garden, "who are at least
determined to honour the anniversary of St. George and their Sovereign,"
the clang of marrow bones and cleavers resounding with harsh and
stunning dissonance.

"Rather," said Dashall, "fellows determined to levy contributions on the
public, caring as little for the actual George the King, as they do for
the fabulous George the Champion."

Now loud and yet louder the grating din grew,
And near and more near still the butcher-gang drew;
Rapacious, obstrep'rous, a turbulent set,
And bent on annoyance of all whom they met.

~~279~~~ It was in vain that our party attempted to avoid them by
crossing the street. The intention was quickly thwarted by these
self-licensed prowlers, who intercepting our associates in the
carriage-way, encircled them in such a manner, as to preclude the
possibility of extrication; and raised, at the same time, a discoid
of sounds, compared with which the vocal minstrelsy of the long-eared
braying fraternity would have been the music of the spheres!

Sir Felix, in chastisement of their arrogance, would singly have
encountered the whole group, had he not been restrained by Tom and Bob,
who rather than engage in a street brawl with a host of pertinacious
adversaries, chose to yield to circumstances, and purchase freedom
at the expense of a trifling pecuniary consideration, with which the
collectors departed well satisfied.

Our observers having thus obtained their liberty, renewed their walk,
and reached the lodgings of the Baronet without farther interruption.

During their perambulation, the following article was put into the hands
of the Squire, with which we shall conclude our Chapter of Incidents;--

THE KING AND THE LAUREAT.

A LOYAL BIRTH-DAY EFFUSION.

Hail! mighty Monarch of a mighty People!--
While tuneful peals resound from tower and steeple,
And thundering cannons gratulations roar,
Fright'ning old Father Thames from shore to shore;--
For King or etiquette while nobles caring,
To Buckingham-house by hundreds are repairing,
With gorgeous Dames, to whom this day a bliss is;
Accompanied by smiling lovely misses
Of eager appetite, who long to gorge
And batten on the favours of King George;
While London's Mayor and Aldermen set out
In Civic state, to grace the royal rout;
While strut the Guards in black straps and white gaiters
In honour of their Patron and Creators;{1}--
While General Birnie musters all his forces
Of foot Police, and spavin'd Police horses,
To guard St. James's Park from innovation,
And cheque the daringness of depredation;--
While for those partizans who mind their manners
The cabinet ministers prepare grand dinners,
And I, and others of my kindred trumpery,
Dine with the vision'ry 'yclept Duke Humphrey:{2}
I whom the Muses sometimes deign to greet,
Though perch'd in "garret vile" in White-cross street,

1 In honour of their Patron and Creators.--The poet, we
presume, means to draw a line of distinction between the
Military and Civic community; the one being the work of God,
the other the creation of man.

2 Duke Humphrey.--An ideal personage, with whom the un-
fortunate wight is said to dine who has not got a dinner to
eat.

_Sans_ viands, drink, or necessary clothing,
Reckless of fate, and even existence loathing;
Great King amidst each various passing matter
On this auspicious day, I will not flatter;
Not that I cannot; aye, as well as any
Of heretofore or present laureat Zany!--
But lack of payment, Sir, and lack of zeal;
Could I your gracious bounty hope to feel,
Invention then, on eagles wings should rise,
And laud your nameless virtues to the skies!--

But as it is,--all hail the King!--
With shouts let now the welkin ring,
And hence all doubts and fears;
May ages yet to come obey
The Fourth King George's lenient sway,
Even for a thousand years!{1}

Methinks his portly form I see,
Encircled at this grand Levee
By courtly lords and ladies;
Returning every bow with smiles,
Where selfish adulation's wiles
A profitable trade is.

But where, amid this grand display,
Is Soutkey, on each natal day
Who charm'd with Ode delicious?
Why absent now the tuneful lore,
Why sing not, as in days of yore,--

Has Roy'lty grown capricious?
Or barren is the courtly verse
Of genuine subject, to rehearse
The mighty monarch's fame;
His public virtues, private worth,
To chant in grateful measure forth,
And o'er the world proclaim?

Tush, man! a driveller then, thou art,
Unequal to the merry part
Thou undertook'st to play;--
The Birth-day comes but once a year,
Then tune thy dulcet notes and clear,
Again in annual lay.

1 When the combined fleets of England and Spain blockaded
the port of Toulon, the Spanish Admiral terminated a
dispatch to Lord Hood with the following notable wish,--May
your Excellency live a THOUSAND YEARS!

Thou, who wilt still persist to write
In public apathy's despite,
Can claim no just pretension
On which to found a vague excuse;--
Then trust, in dearth of truth, the Muse
Prolific in invention.

Hast thou no conscience left? alack!
Hast thou forgot thy Pipe of Sack!
And annual pounds two hundred?{1}
That Hume hath not attack'd thy post,
And caused it to give up the ghost,
Is greatly to be wonder'd!

But if the place must still be kept,
Though long the princely themes have slept
That erst the Muses lauded;--
Give it to me, ye gods! and then
Shall Kings, above all other men,
Be rapturously applauded!

Content with half that Southey shares,
I then would drown all worldly cares,
Yet Sack I'd not require;--
Give me, in place of Falstaff's wine,
A butt,--to wake the song divine,

Of Hanbury's Entire!
Now God preserve the comely face
Of George the Fourth, and grant him grace
For kindred soids to brag on!--
May future times his deeds proclaim,
And may he even eclipse the fame
Of--Saint George and the Dragon.'

1 Formerly the allowance was a pipe of sack and one hundred
pounds; but his present Majesty, taking into his gracious
consideration the very difficult task which the Laureat had
to perform, increased his salary to 200L. per annum!!

CHAPTER XXI

"Of ups and downs we daily see
Examples most surprising,
The high and low of each degree,
Now falling are, now rising.

Some up, some down, some in, some out,
Home neither one nor t'other;
Knaves--fools--Jews--Gentiles--join the rout,
And jostle one another.

By ups and downs some folks they say
Among grandees have got, Sir,
Who were themselves but yesterday
The Lord knows who, or what, Sir.

_Sans_ sense or pence, in merits chair,
They dose and dream supine 0;
But how the devil they came there,
That neither you nor I know."

~~282~~~
The departure of Merrywell left our three friends at perfect liberty,
and they were determined to enjoy it as much as possible during
Sparkle's visit. The remainder of the evening was therefore devoted to
the retracing of past events, in which they had formerly been engaged
together, in drinking success to Merrywell's journey, and in laying down
some plans for the proceedings of the next day. On the latter subject,
however, there were as many opinions as there were persons. The Hon.
Tom Dash all proposed going to the Review--Sparkle was for a journey
to Gravesend in the steam-boat, with the religious friends who were to
accompany Lord Gambier--and Tallyho proposed a visit to the Tower
of London, in order to inspect its interior. It was therefore left
undecided till the morning, which proving extremely inviting, they
determined to sally forth, and leave the direction of their course
wholly to chance, as they had many times done before.

~~283~~~ Sparkle's relish for the sprees and sports of a London life,
was evidently injured by his residence in the country; though at the
same time former scenes and former circumstances rushing occasionally
upon his sight and his recollection, appeared to afford him
gratification and delight.

"And how," said Sparkle, addressing himself to Tallyho, "do you like the
scene of ever varying novelty--has it lost any of its charms since I saw
you last?"

"By no means," replied Tallyho; "for although many of them are grown
familiar to me, and many are also calculated to excite painful feelings,
I am not yet tired of the inquiry. I set out with the intention to
contemplate men and manners as they actually are, and I conceive a
useful lesson for instruction and improvement may be afforded by it."

"Right," continued Sparkle, "real life is a most excellent school; and
if in imbibing the instruction with which it is fraught, the judgment is
not misled, or the mind vitiated none can be more important to mankind."

"Come," said Tom, "I see you are getting into one of your moralizing
strains, such as you left us with. Now I am well aware that you have an
excellent acquaintance with the pursuits you are speaking of, and have
enjoyed them as much as myself; nor can I conceive that your temporary
absence has wrought such a change in your opinion, as to make you wholly
disregard the amusements they afford. So come along, no more preaching;
"and thus saying, he seized him by one arm, while Tallyho closed upon
the other; and they proceeded on their way along Piccadilly towards the
Haymarket.

"Besides," continued Dashall, "every day makes a difference in this
metropolis; so that even you who have proved yourself so able a
delineator of men and things as they were, may still find many things
deserving of your observation as they are."

"I do not doubt it," was the reply; "and consequently expect, that
having just arrived from rural felicity, you will direct my footsteps
to the most novel scene of metropolitan splendour or extraordinary
character."

~~284~~~ "Character is an abundant and everlasting supply of humour and
eccentricity for an observant quiz like yourself, and being fly to most
occurrences either in town or country, I shall rather confine myself to
the most remarkable circumstances that happen to strike my recollection
us we proceed. The first that occurs at this moment, is the opening of a
new establishment in Regent-street, under the title of the Cafe Royale,
to which, as we have not yet paid a visit, I propose now to direct your
steps."

"Cafe Royale" repeated Sparkle, "there is something Frenchified in the
sound. I suppose it is quite in the tip top stile of elegance."

"So says report."

"Then _allons_,--but as we proceed, I beg to ask one question. If it
be considered important in a national point of view, that the superior
elegancies of our Parisian neighbours should be engrafted on our own
habits, and that an establishment of this nature should be formed, with
a view of its becoming the resort of rank and fashion, whether any good
reason can be given why such an establishment, in an English city for
Englishmen, should not have an English title?"

"A most extraordinary question for a fashionable man."

"It may be so," continued Sparkle; "but you must attribute it to my
country habits of thinking: however, as I like argument better than
assertion, I see no reason to abandon my question. The adoption of
any thing foreign, is only rational in proportion as it is useful or
agreeable; for foreign wines, foreign fruits, foreign made coffee, &c.
no one can be a greater advocate than myself; but I apprehend that these
good things may taste as well, whether the room in which they are taken
be called by a French or an English name."

"That is a truth so self evident as to require no reply; and really I
can give no sort of reason for the adoption of a French title, unless
it be with a view to give it that air of novelty which invariably proves
attractive to Johnny Bull; and I think I need not attempt to explain to
you the importance of a title."

"However," said Sparkle, "I cannot help thinking, that if the place
alluded to is to become a permanent establishment, it would become an
Englishman to have an English name for it. We need not be ashamed of our
language, although some folks disdain to use it, if they can find
any substitute, however inapt. Why should it not be called the Royal
Coffee-house, the King's Coffee-house, the Patrician, the Universal, or
in fact any thing, so that it be English?"

~~285~~~ "Because," said Tallyho, "those titles are already engrossed
by newspaper editors, coffee-shops of a lower order, magazines, &c.:
for instance, we have the Royal Magazine, the Universal Magazine;
and consequently these are all grown common, and any thing common is
extremely vulgar."

"Besides," continued Dashall, "_Cafe Royale_ is a mouthful, without
attacking its contents; and the very sound of it seems to impart a
taste, before you approach it, of what may be obtained in the interior.
Zounds! this country life of your's seems to have altered your opinions,
and almost obliterated your former education: I never had any relish for
it."

"In town let me live, and in town let me die, For in truth 1 can't
relish the country, not I: If one must have a villa in summer to dwell,
Oh give me the sweet shady side of Pall Mall."

By this time they had reached the Cafe Royale, and upon entrance were
ushered by a man in blue livery, with gold laced trimmings, into an
apartment far exceeding in splendour any thing that their previous
conversation had led them to expect. The walls, formed of looking glass
and rich tapestry, and ornamented in a fanciful manner, reflected their
persons as they passed along at every point; while the choicest flowers
and shrubs, with which they were surrounded, sent forth a delightful
fragrance, and gave some distant idea of Eastern luxuries.

"Here," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "is elegance at least; and if
the accommodations are found to be equally good, it can be of little
consequence to us whether the place itself have an English or a foreign
name."

"I confess," replied Sparkle, "that I still conceive, that as a place
of resort appropriated to the upper ranks of natives and foreigners,
magnificent in its decorations, superior in its accommodations, and
conducted with skill and liberality, to become truly national and
deserving of support, it should be honoured with an English title."

"And that it certainly is," continued Dashall, "not only one but many,
for nobility is frequently to be found within its walls; nay, a proof of
it appears at this moment, for there is Lord P------ and Lord C------ now
entering; but come, let us try the coffee, catch a view of the papers,
and proceed."

~~286~~~ They had now seated themselves near an elderly gentleman, who
seemed to be in deep contemplation, occasionally rubbing his hands with
apparent gratification, and shaking his head with importance, while he
glanced over a newspaper which lay before him.

"I should judge," said Tallyho, "he is a member of parliament,
probably conning over the report of his last night's speech in the
House."

"Or probably," said Dashall, "an author in search of ideas for his
next publication, wherein he intends to cut up the ministers and their
measures."

"Yes," continued Sparkle, "or a quack doctor, examining if the editor
has given insertion to his new flaming advertisement, wherein he
promises to perform what is utterly impossible to be accomplished."

"I wonder if he can speak," said Tom, laying clown the paper; "I'll try
him.--A fine morning, Sir."

As this was directed immediately to meet the old gentleman's ear, he
looked up for the first time since they had entered.

"Beautiful, Sir," was the reply--and here the conversation ceased again.

"Excellent coffee," said Sparkle,--"is there any news to-day, Sir?"
endeavouring to rouse him again.

"There is always news, Sir," was the reply, taking a plentiful supply of
snuff.

"Of one sort or other," continued Bon.

"Why yes, have we not every day a quantity of newspapers that make their
appearance with the sun?"

"Truly," replied Sparkle; "but you could hardly misunderstand me--I
alluded to something out of the common run of events; such, for
instance, as relates to the interests of the nation, the agricultural
distress, the distress of the Irish, the state of the American
independents, the proceedings of the Spanish cortes, and the French
chamber; the movements of the Greeks, the operations of Turkey and
Russia, or the--or--"

"Why, Sir, your inquiries are very rational; and as I perceive you have
a desire for intelligence, and I have at all times a desire to impart
such as I am in possession of for the benefit of others, the newspapers
have abundance of information; but I must say the editors, though men of
education and intelligence, are not always well informed: besides, Sir,
there is no reliance on their assertions; many valuable and important
secrets are in the hands of individuals, which never find their way into
the public journals."

~~288~~~ Having proceeded thus far, our three friends were all
anxiety to continue what now assumed the appearance of an interesting
conversation.

"The nation is gull'd by misrepresentation, from the high to the low one
system is acted upon; but I have a document in my pocket which came into
my possession in rather an extraordinary manner, and is as extraordinary
in its contents; it was thrust into my hand on my way here by a
stranger, who instantly disappeared."

"A curious salute," observed Tom; "probably some state paper, some
information on foreign affairs, or a petition to be presented to the
House."

"The fact is, Sir, as I had no conversation with the stranger, I was
ignorant of the importance of the document; but upon opening it, judge
of my astonishment, when I found it concerned a Prince well known to the
British nation, whose interests depend on its support."

"O ho," said Sparkle, "then perhaps it is of a delicate nature, and more
attaching to private circumstances than public affairs."

"You shall hear, Sir.--It was an appeal to myself, amongst others, in
which Russia was stated to be in such connection with Greece, that
the heads of this kingdom could not but be conscious of the important
results; results, Sir, that were enough to make one's hair stand on end;
indeed, I have never been able to dismiss the subject from my mind since
I first cast my eye over the information."

"Zounds, then," cried Dashall, "there is much to be apprehended."

"It is impossible for me," continued the old gentleman, "to say how
far the distinguished person to whom I have alluded has already, or
may hereafter succeed in the objects he has in view; but this I think
certain, that if he can but interest the Poles on his side, his affairs
must thrive."

The Hon. Tom Dashall by this time was puzzled with the lengthened
introduction this gentleman was giving; he sipped his coffee--looked
grave--smiled, took up the paper--pretended to read--then laid it down
again.

~~288~~~ Sparkle looked wise, and betrayed his anxiety by moving closer
to the communicant. Tallyho fixed his eyes on the old gentleman, with an
apparent desire to count the words he uttered.

"In the meantime," continued the interesting stranger, "he is so
indefatigable in diffusing through all ranks of society, by means of the
press and private agents, a knowledge of the power he has of smoothing
the way to success, that the crown ought to receive his proffered aid
for its own benefit."

"Then," said Sparkle, "it really is a document of public importance: if
not too great a favour, might we be allowed a sight of the------"

"The document,--Oh certainly, Sir," said he, hastily rising and drawing
a printed paper from his pocket; "I will leave it with you:" then
throwing it on the table, he made a precipitate retreat.

The little care which the old gentleman seemed to take of this scrap of
importance, struck them all with wonder.

"A rum old codger," said Tom; "and I recommend his observations, as well
as the produce of his pocket, to the serious consideration of our friend
Sparkle, who will perhaps read this paper for the benefit of us all."

Sparkle, who by this time had unfolded this mysterious paper, burst into
a hearty laugh; and as soon as he could command his risibility, he read
as follows:

"PRINCE'S RUSSIA OIL, For promoting the growth of Hair."

"And Sparkle introduced to Greece," said Tom.--"Well, the old buck has
paid you off for your interruption: however, he has certainly proved his
own assertion, that there is no reliance on any body."

"A mountain in labour," continued Tom,--"I think he had you in a line,
however."

"I cannot help thinking," replied Sparkle, "that there is a great
similarity between him and some of our most popular parliamentary
orators, for he has said a great deal to little purpose; but come, let
us move on, and lose no more time in the French coffee house, discussing
the merits or virtues of Russia oil."

~~289~~~ This proposition being acceded to, our friends now took their
way along Pall Mall, where the improvements recently made struck Sparkle
with pleasure and delight; the appearance of new and elegant houses
occupying the situation of buildings of a shabby and mean exterior,
and the introduction of new streets, were subjects of considerable
admiration.

"The rapidity of alterations in London," said Sparkle, "are almost
inconceivable."

"That remark," replied Tom, "only arises from your late absence from the
scene of action; for to us who frequently see their progress, there is
but little to excite wonder. Now for my part I am more astonished
in present times, when so many complaints are made of distress, that
occupiers can be found for them, and also seeing the increase of
buildings at every part of the environs of London, where tenants can be
found to occupy them."

"I confess," said Tallyho, "that is a subject which I have often thought
upon without being able to come to any reasonable conclusion; it appears
to me to prove a great increase of population, for although I am aware
of the continued influx of new comers from the country, the towns and
villages appear as full as ever."

"I am not able to solve the mystery to my own satisfaction," replied
Sparkle, "in either case, though I cannot help acknowledging the facts
alluded to. It however seems in this place to prove the correctness of
the Poet's lines, who says,

"Wherever round this restless world we range,
Nothing seems constant saving constant change.
Like some magician waving mystic wand,
Improvement metamorphoses the land,
Grubs up, pulls down, then plants and builds anew,
Till scenes once loved are banished from our view.
The draughtsman with officious eye surveys
What capabilities a site displays:
How things may be made better for the worse,
And much improve--at least the schemer's purse."