Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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The "ardent admirer of the whole of women kind" sustained the jokes of
the company with admirable equanimity of temper; and the same young lady
who had eulogized his gallantry, now said that it was unfair, and what
the Baronet could not possibly mean, to take his words in their literal
acceptation; at the same time she highly commended his benevolent
interference in the quarrel between the two women, and congratulated him
on his address in bringing it to an amicable termination.

~~268~~~ Resuming their attention to the still continued line of
company, Dashall and his friends remarked that pearls were a prominent
part of female ornament at the present levee; particularly, he said,
with the galaxy of Civic beauty from the East; for he had recognized
so decorated, several elegantes, the wives and daughters of aldermen,
bankers, merchants and others, of his City acquaintances.{1} A ponderous
state carriage, carved and gilt in all directions, and the pannels
richly emblazoned with heraldry, now came slowly up the Mall, and Sir
Felix immediately announced the approach of the Lord Mayor of the City
of London; but as the vehicle approximated nearer towards him, he became
lost in a labyrinth of conjecture, on perceiving, that the pericranium
of its principal inmate was enveloped in a wig of appalling dimensions;
he now inquired whether the profundity of wisdom was denoted by
the magnitude of a wig; and if so, why it was not worn by the Civic
Sovereign rather on the seat of justice, where it might operate _in
terrorem_ on delinquency, than on the happy occasion of his Majesty's
anniversary; when Dashall unravelled the mystery, by acquainting the
Baronet, that the personage whom he supposed to be the Lord Mayor of
London, was the Lord High Chancellor of England.

1 By what curious links and fantastical relations are
mankind connected together. At the distance of half the
globe, a Hindoo gains his support by groping at the bottom
of the sea for the morbid concretion of a shell-fish, to
decorate the throat of a London alerman's wife! It is said
that the great Linnaeus had discovered the secret of
infecting oysters with this perligenous disease; what is
become of the secret we know not, as the only interest tee
take in oysters, is of a much more vulgar, though perhaps a
more humane nature. Mr. Percival, in his Account of the
Island of Ceylon, gives a very interesting account of the
fishery, and of the Sea-dogs. "This animal is as fond of
the legs of Hindoos, as Hindoos are of the pearls of
oysters; and as one appetite appears to him much more
natural and less capricious' than the other, he never fails
to indulge it."

~~269~~~ The company still poured along, numerous and diversified,
beyond all former precedent; including all the nobility in town, their
ladies, daughters, et cetera; officers of the army and navy, grand
crosses and knights companions of the most honourable order of the Bath;
dignified sages and learned brethren of the law; and, "though last, not
least in our esteem," the very right reverend Fathers in God, the
Lords Bishops, in the costume of sacerdotal panoply; and amidst the
fascination of female beauty, setting their affections on things
above!{1}

1 Latimer, bishop of Worcester, speaking of the gentlemen of
the black cloth, says,--"Well, I would all men would look to
their dutie, as God hath called them, and then we should
have a flourish-ing Christian common weale. And now I would
ask a strange question. Who is the most diligentest bishop
and prelate in all Englande, that passeth all the rest in
doing his office? 1 can tell, for I know him who it is; I
know him well. But now I think I see you listening and
hearkening that I should name him. There is one that passeth
all the other, and is the most diligent prelate and preacher
in all Englande. And will you know who it is? I will tell
you. It is the Devil! He is the most diligent preacher of
all other; he is never out of his diocese; he is never from
his cure; ye shall never fynde him unoccupyed; he is ever in
his parish; he keepeth residence at all times; ye shall
never fynde him out of the way; call for him when you will
he is ever at home; the diligentest preacher in all the
realme; no lording or loyteriug can hynder him; he is ever
applying his busyness; ye shall never f'ynde him idle I
warrant you."

From noon until past four, visiters continued to arrive; when the
carriages again circumscribed the Park, each taking up at the gate of
Buckingham-house, and thence passing home by the Bird-cage Walk, and
through the Horse Guards. The arrangements were excellent; no accident
occurred. The Life Guards lined the Mall, and a numerous detachment
of police-officers were on the alert throughout the day. Their
indefatigable exertions however were not entirely available in
counteracting the industry of the light-fingered gentry, of whom there
were many on the look-out; and doubtless on this, as on every other
occasion of public resort in the metropolis, they reaped the fruits of a
plentiful harvest.

The party sauntering along the Mall, Sir Felix observed one of the group
with whom he was associated when viewing the company proceeding to the
Palace, and would have entered into familiar chit-chat with him, but for
the interposition of Dashall, who taking the Baronet aside, cautioned
him against having intercourse with a stranger, of whom he knew nothing,
but who had all the appearance of a black-leg.

Dashall was an accurate observer of men and manners; and in the present
instance his conjecture was well founded; for, in a few subsequent
moments,

~~270~~~ What was the devil's gratitude to Latimer for this eulogy
According to his biography, "for his zeal in the Protestant faith,
he was, with Ridley, bishop of London, burnt at Oxford in 1554." this
assumed gentleman was met by a reconnoitering party of the police, who
claiming the privilege of old acquaintance, took him into custody as
a reputed thief, to the manifest surprise and dismay of Miss Judith
Macgilligan, who instinctively putting her hand into her pocket, found
that her purse had vanished through the medium of some invisible agency.
It contained, fortunately, silver only. She now mentioned her loss, and
expressed her suspicion of the gentleman in duresse; he having stood
close by her, for a considerable length of time, while she and her
friends were stationary in the Mall. The officers accordingly searched
him; but the wily adept, anticipating consequences, had disencumbered
himself of the purse; part of the silver, however, found in his
possession, tallied in description with that which had been lost,
although the lady could not identify it as her property. He was
conducted from the Park, with the view of being introduced to the
recollection of the magistrates of the Public-office in Bow-street.

During this transaction, a carriage bearing the royal arms, and attended
by two footmen only, drove rapidly along the Mall, without attracting
particular notice, and entering the garden-gate of Carlton-house, was
immediately lost to public view; nor did the numerous groups who were
in waiting to catch a transient glance of royalty, recognise in the
unassuming inmate of this vehicle, the sacred person of his most
gracious Majesty King George the Fourth, who was thus pleased modestly
to decline the congratulations of his loving subjects, by eluding,
incognita, their observation.

This was a second grievous disappointment to our venerable aunt, and
might have operated as a spell against the further enjoyment of the day;
but the gloom of vexation was dispersed by the Esquire of Belville-hall,
who observed, that the royal lineage of the lady might aspire to a more
intimate knowledge of majesty than a view _en passant_, and that at
any future levee there could not exist a doubt of the facility of Miss
Macgilligan's introduction.

A convenient and vacant bench presenting itself, the associates now
seated themselves.

"Apropos," exclaimed Sir Felix, "talking of the King, does his Majesty
mean to honour with another visit his Hanoverian dominions this ensuing
summer?"

~~271~~~ The inquiry was directed to Dashall, whom the Baronet was
accustomed to look upon as an universal intelligencer.

Tom declared his incompetency to answer the question.

"Well," continued Sir Felix, "were I the monarch of this empire, J would
make myself acquainted with every part of it. A tour through England,
Scotland, and Ireland, should be my primary object, and a visit to my
foreign territories a subordinate consideration, I would travel from
town to town in the land that gave me birth; like the Tudors and the
Stuarts; with confidence in the loyalty of my people, my person should
be familiar to them, and 1 should at all times be accessible to their
complaints. Elizabeth and the Second James made frequent excursions
into distant parts of the country, and every where were received with
addresses of fidelity. Were his present Majesty to follow, in this
respect, the example of his royal predecessors, who can doubt his
experiencing the most ample and unequivocal demonstrations of attachment
to his person and government?"

The friendly associates indulged a hearty laugh at the expense of
the visionary, although they did him the justice to believe that his
theoretical improvements on the policy of majesty were the ebullition of
a generous heart, warm in fraternal regard for the whole of human kind.

Tom, however, reminded him that the pusillanimous James II. acquired
no popularity by his royal tours; and that the affections of the people
were not to be gained by the merely personal condescension of the
monarch.{1}

1 During the reign of King James II., and when, not unlike
the present day, the people were much oppressed and
burthened with taxes, that monarch having, in the course of
a tour through England, stopt at Winchelsea, the Corporation
resolved to address his Majesty; but as the Mayor could
neither read nor write, it was agreed that the Recorder
should prompt him on the occasion. Being introduced, the
Recorder whispered the trembling Mayor, "Hold up your head,
and look like a man." The Mayor mis-taking this for the
beginning of the speech, addressed the King, and repeated
aloud, "Hold up your head, and look like a man." The
Recorder, in amaze, whispered the Mayor, "What the devil do
you mean?" The Mayor in the same manner instantly repeated,
"What the devil do you mean?" The Recorder, alarmed,
whispered more earnestly, "By G-----d, Sir, you'll ruin us
all."

The Mayor, still imagining this to be a part of his speech,
said, with all "his might, "By G-----d, Sir, you'll ruin us
all."

~~272~~~So slow was the progress of the vehicles towards the palace for
the purpose of taking up their respective owners, that many gentlemen,
whose residences were in the vicinity, rather than wait, preferred
walking across the Park; while the unusual exhibition of a pedestrian
in full court-dress excited no little attention from the multitude.
Our party proceeding in their lounge, was presently met by one of these
gentlemen, who recognizing Dashall and Tallyho, shook them cordially
by the hand, and was introduced to Sir Felix and his Aunt, as Captain of
the Royal Navy.

The Captain, to adopt a Court phrase, was most graciously received by
the lady; who observing he had been present at the Levee, begged that he
would favour her with an account of what had passed.

The gallant Captain, retracing his steps with his friends along the
Mall, said, that little or nothing had occurred worthy of remark.

"The drawing-room," he continued, "was crowded to such excess, that I
should have felt myself more at ease in the bilboes; however, amidst the
awkwardness of the squeeze, I frequently came into unavoidable contact
with some very fine girls, and that pleasure certainly more than
compensated all inconveniences. The King (God bless him)! perspired
most prodigiously; for the heat was intolerable; he appeared very much
fatigued; and 1 hope has retired with a superior relish to enjoy
the quietude and luxury of the royal table at Carlton Palace. The
presentations of the female sprigs of nobility were numerous, to all of
whom he paid particular attention, in duty bound, as a gallant Cavalier
and the best bred gentleman in Europe. Indeed, he seemed to gloat on the
charms of those terrestrial deities with ecstacy! The introductions
were endless, and the etiquette tiresome and monotonous. In fact,
after making my humble congee, extrication became my only object, and
I effected a retreat with difficulty. My stay was short, and as I had
neither inclination nor opportunity for minute remark, I hope, Madam,
that you will pardon my incapability of answering your inquiry in a more
particular manner."

~~273~~~ Nothing farther could be elicited. In truth, the Captain
had left nothing untold; for his description of the Levee, although
succinct, was correct, laying aside the enumeration of the _dramatis
personae_, too numerous, and in many instances perhaps too insignificant,
for recollection.

The gallant son of Neptune now took his leave, and the party continued
to enjoy the pleasure of the promenade.

The Park was still thronged with spectators, attracted by the retiring
visitors, of whom some it seems were no welcome guests.

Whether vice had contaminated the hallowed presence of Royalty, we
cannot take upon us to say; but it appears that the sanctum sanctorum
had been polluted by intrusion; for a notification was issued next day
by the Lord Chamberlain, prefaced with the usual Whereas, "that certain
improper persons had gained access to his Majesty's Levee, and stating,
that in future no one would be admitted unless in full Court dress,
including bag-wig, sword," &c.{1}

1 As if these appendages were only within the reach of the
higher classes of the community, and uncomeatable by
purchase! The most depraved character may obtain the
plausible appearance of gentility, and obtrude himself into
the first circle of fashion. These opportunities abound in
the metropolis; and such is the apathy of the present age,
that the accomplished swindler, of exterior allurement,
intermixes, _sans_ inquiry, with honourable rank; and even
where inquiry is deemed necessary, all minor considerations
vanish before the talismanic influence of Wealth! "Is he
rich? Incalculably so! Then, let's have him, by all means."
Thus the initiated of Chesterfield obtain admission into
polished society, although the Principles of Politeness
inculcated by that nobleman, contain, as a celebrated
lexicographer said of them, "the morals of a wh**e, and the
manners of a dancing-master!"

The party having lounged away another pleasant hour, made ultimately
their exit from the Park by the Stable-yard, and entering Pall Mall,
were agreeably surprised with a very interesting exhibition.

During many years of the late King's reign, it was usual on the
birth-day anniversary for the different mail coaches to pass in review
before his Majesty in front of St. James's Palace. The custom still
prevails.

On the present occasion numerous spectators had assembled opposite Carl
ton-house; and it is presumed that the Sovereign thence witnessed the
procession, although he was not within the view of public observation.

~~274~~~ Above thirty mail coaches, fresh gilt and painted, or in
the language of churchwardens, beautified, and each drawn by four
noble-spirited, yet perfectly tractable horses, elegantly caparisoned,
now made their appearance. The cavalcade moved slowly onward, the
prancing steeds impatient of restraint, and conscious of superiority.
On the box of each vehicle was seated a portly good looking man,
the knowing Jehu of the road, and behind was the guard, occasionally
"winding his bugle-horn" with melodious and scientific ability. The
reins and harness were new, so also were the royal liveries of the
coachmen and guards. Mounted conductors led the van of the procession,
while others accompanied it on either side; and the interest of the
scene was considerably heightened by each coach being occupied inside
by handsome well-dressed women and children. The rear of this imposing
spectacle was brought up by a long train of the twopenny post-boys, all
newly clothed in the royal uniform, and mounted on hardy ponies, chiefly
of the Highland and Shetland breed. The cavalcade halted in front of the
royal residence, and gave three cheers in honour of the day, which
were heartily returned by the populace. The procession then resumed its
progress by Charing-cross, the Strand, Fleet-street, Ludgate-hill, round
St. Paul's, and by Cheapside into Lombard-street,

Passing up the new street, the associates reached the mansion of
Dashall, who had previously engaged his friends to dinner.

An elegant repast was immediately served up, and highly enjoyed by the
party, after such prolonged exercise and abstinence.

The conversation turning on the recent interesting exhibition, it was
universally acknowledged, that the introduction of the mail coach into
the establishment of the General Post-office, might be classed among the
highest improvements of the age, as amazingly accelerating the
celerity of intercourse with all parts of the empire. Neither was
the well-merited meed of encomium withheld from the Twopenny-post
Institution, by which, so frequently in the course of the day, the
facility of communication is kept up within the metropolis and suburbs,
extending to all adjacencies, and bounded only by the limits of the
bills of mortality. Dashall, who seldom let slip an opportunity of
appropriate remark ~~275~~~ digressed from the procession to the
important national utility of the Post-office, and thence, by easy
transition, to the sublime powers of the human mind, as emphatically
exemplified in the invention of writing and printing; while Sir Felix,
who was well experienced in the British poets, favoured his aunt with a
quotation from Pope's Epistle of Heloisa to Abelard, subject, however,
to such whimsical interpolation as he deemed suitable to the occasion:--

Heaven first taught letters for some wretch's aid, Some antique,
lovesick, North of Ireland maid! They live, they speak, they breathe
what age inspires, Preposterous fondness and impure desires! The latent
wish without a blush impart, Reveal the frailties of a morbid heart;
Speed the neglected sigh from soul to soul, And waft a groan from Indus
to the Pole!

The reading of Miss Macgilligan, like her ideas, was rather on a
contracted scale. She suspected, however, that her nephew had aimed
against her the shafts of ridicule, and was preparing her resentment
accordingly; when the Baronet deprecating her wrath, assured her, that
he had recited the lines exactly as originally written, and that in the
present clay they had no personal application, having been composed by
a little cynical fellow many years before Miss Macgilligan came into
existence.--The lady gave credence to the assertion, and the impending
storm was happily averted.

The residence of royalty being within the precinct of St. James's, the
bells of the neighbouring church sounded a merry peal in the ears of
the party; and were responded to by those of St, Martin-in-the-Fields,
a parish of which it is remarkable that his Majesty George II. was once
church-warden, serving the office, of course, by deputy. The steeple
of this church, as well as those of many others in the metropolis,
displayed, throughout the day, the royal standard, a manifestation of
loyalty which likewise extended itself to the liquid element of old
father Thames, where many of the vessels commemorated the anniversary by
frequent salutes of artillery, under the decorative and splendid canopy
formed by the colours of all nations.

~~276~~~ The carriages of the foreign ambassadors, and those of the
friends of government, were again in requisition, and rattled along the
streets towards the several mansions of the members of administration,
who each, in conformity with ancient usage, gave a grand dinner on the
birth-day, at least on that appointed for its celebration.

"At these dinners," said Dashall, "politics and etiquette are both laid
aside; conviviality is the order of the day; the glass, the joke,
the repartee and the 'retort courteous,' circulate freely, and all is
harmony and good humour."

"With sometimes a sprinkling of alloy," said the Squire, "I have heard
that during the administration of Mr. Pitt, he and the Lord Chancellor
Thurlow were frequently at variance on subjects having no reference to
politics, and even under the exhilirating influence of the grape."

The party were all attention, and the Squire proceeded--"At a cabinet
dinner a discussion took place between the Premier and Lord Chancellor,
as to the comparative merits of the Latin and English languages. Mr.
Pitt gave the preference to the former, the Chancellor! to the
latter; and the arguments on both sides were carried on with equal
pertinacity.--The Premier would not yield a jot in opinion. Becoming at
last impatient of opposition,

"Why," said he, "the English language is an ambiguity--two
negatives make an affirmative; but in the Latin, two negatives make a
positive."--"Then," said the Chancellor, "your father and mother must
have been two negatives, to make such a positive fellow as you are!"{1}

1 Lord Chancellor Thurlow, although a very eccentric
character, was yet a man of uncommon benevolence. A vacancy
having occurred in a valuable living of which he had the
presentation, numerous were the candidates for the benefice;
and amongst others, one, recommended by several of the
nobility, friends of the ministry, who made himself sure of
the appointment, although, directly or indirectly, the
Chancellor had not given any promise. In the meanwhile, it
was one morning announced to his Lordship, that a gentleman,
apparently a clergyman, waited the honour of an interview.
The servant was ordered to shew the stranger into the
library, whither the Chancellor shortly repaired, and
inquired the object of the visit. "My Lord," said the
other, "I served the office of Curate under the deceased
Rector, and understanding that the presentation is in your
Lordship's gift"--"You want the living," exclaimed the
Chancellor, gruffly. "No, my Lord; my humble pretensions
soar not so high; but I presume, most respectfully, to
entreat your Lordship's influence with the new Incumbent,
that I may be continued in the Curacy." Surprised and
pleased by the singular modesty of the applicant, who had
served the same parish as Curate above twenty years, and now
produced the most ample testimonials of character, his
Lordship entered into conversation with him, and found him
of extensive erudition, and orthodox principles. He
ascertained, besides, that this poor Curate had a wife with
six children entirely dependent on his exertions for
support; and that the remuneration allowed for the faithful
discharge of arduous duties, had been only thirty pounds per
annum. The Chancellor now promised his influence in behalf
of the Curate, with the person who probably might succeed to
the living. "I shall see him," added his Lordship, "this
very day; attend me to-morrow, and you shall know the
result." The Curate took bis leave, and in the course of the
morning the would-be Rector made his appearance. "O!"
exclaimed his Lordship, entering directly into the business,
"I have had a humble suitor with me to-day,--the Curate of
the late incumbent whom you are desirous of succeeding; he
wishes to continue in the Curacy; the poor man is burthened
with a large family, and hitherto has been very inadequately
rewarded for his labour in the productive vineyard of which
you anticipate the possession and emolument. Suppose that
you constitute the happiness of this worthy man, by giving
him a salary of one hundred pounds per annum; he will have
all the duties to perform, and you will pocket a surplus,
even then, of seven hundred a year, for in fact doing
nothing!" This would-be was astonished; he had never before
heard of a Curate in the receipt of one hundred pounds per
annum; besides, he had already engaged a person to do the
duty for twenty-five pounds. Fired with indignation at the
inhumanity and arrogant presumption of this callous-hearted
Clergyman,--"What!" exclaimed his Lordship, "and so you
would turn the poor Curate out of doors, and abridge the
miserable pittance of his successor, and all this before
you've got the living! John, shew this fellmo down stairs!"
Gladly would this Incumbent, by anticipation, have conceded
every point required; but it was too late; the die was cast,
and he found himself in the street, unknowing how he got
there, whether on his hands or his lucls! Next day the
Curate was announced. "I have not been able to succeed,"
said his Lordship,--"the new Incumbent has engaged a person
who will do the duty for twenty-five pounds per annum." His
Lordship paused, and the unfortunate Curate looked the
personification of Despondency. "Cheer up, man!" exclaimed
his Lordship, "If I have not influence sufficient to
continue you in possession of the Curacy, I can, at least,
give you the Living!" putting into the hands, at the same
time, of the amazed Curate, the presentation to a Rectory
worth eight hundred pounds per annum!! Here we must draw the
Grecian painter's veil,--the gratification on either side
may be conceived, but cannot be expressed.