Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81

"O ho!" said Tom, "then you are really a useful member of society, and
I suppose are merely come up to town for the purpose of picking up a
little more useful information and instruction how to perform the part
of Papa."

"Nay," replied Sparkle, "I could hardly expect to obtain such from you.
I must therefore be excused and acquitted of all such intentions--but
joking apart, how are you devoted?"

"To you," replied Tallyho, who was much pleased by this accession to
their society.

"Then," continued Sparkle, "lend me all the assistance in your power.
When did you see our old friend Merrywell!"

"The last time I saw him was in a place of safety, studying the law, and
taking lessons from its professors in the Priory."

"We must find him," replied Sparkle; "so if you are not engaged, come
along, and I will relate the circumstances which induce this search as
we proceed."

To this proposal Tom and Bob readily acceding, the party were quickly on
their way towards Abbot's Park.

~~257~~~ "You must know," said Sparkle, "that Merry well's uncle in
the country having received some information upon the subject of his
confinement, probably very highly coloured, has since his release
withdrawn his patronage and support, so that the poor fellow has been
without supplies for some time past, and I am at a loss to conjecture
by what means he is now working the oracle for a subsistence. His uncle,
however, is in the last stage of a severe illness, with little chance
of recovery; and as I apprehend there is but little time to spare, I
intend, if possible, to find our old acquaintance, start him for his
relative's residence, in hope that he may arrive in time to be in at the
death, and become inheritor of his estate, which is considerable, and
may otherwise be apportioned among persons for whom he has had but
little or no regard while living."

"The object in view is a good one," said Dashall, "and I sincerely hope
we shall succeed in our endeavours."

Passing down St. James's-street, Sparkle was quickly recognized by many
of his old acquaintances and friends, and congratulated upon his return
to the scenes where they had, in company with him, enjoyed many a lark;
and invitations came in as fast upon nim as the moments of life were
fleeting away: for the present, however, all engagements were
declined, till the principal object of his journey to London should be
accomplished; and after inquiries about old friends, and observations
upon the passing occurrences of the moment were over, they proceeded on
their way. Westminster Bridge was the precise line of direction for them
to pursue, and as fortune would have it, they had scarcely arrived at
the foot of it, before they discovered Merrywell bustling along in
an opposite direction: he, however, appeared rather inclined to pass
without recognition or acknowledgment, when Sparkle turning close upon
him, gave him a hearty tap on the shoulder, which made him as it were
involuntarily turn his head.

"Well met," said Sparkle, "I want you."

"At whose suit. Sir?" was the immediate inquiry.

"To suit yourself," was a reply as quickly given.

"Zounds!" said Merrywell, "I had little idea of being tapped on the
shoulder by an old friend--but are you indeed in earnest?"

"Certainly I am, and can't be refused; but if you should be pinched
for bail, I think I have two friends with me who will do the needful;"
introducing Tom and Bob.

"I see how it is," continued Merrywell, "and have no objection to a
joke; but I can't bear to have it carried too far.--How d'ye do, how
d'ye do--can't stop--in a devil of a hurry--full of business."

~~258~~~ "Zounds!" said Tom, "you are almost as bad as the man who
having married a wife could not come; but if I may be so bold, whither
away so fast?"

"To Westminster Hall--the sessions is on--must go--law is like the tide,
it stays for none--adieu."

"We cannot part thus," said Sparkle, "I have come some miles in search
of you, and cannot afford to be played with now."

"Then accompany me to Westminster Hall, and I will be at your service."

"If not," replied Sparkle, "I shall enter a special detainer against
you--so come along."

They now entered Westminster Hall, where Merry well having disposed of
some briefs and other papers into the hands of a counsellor preparatory
to a cause coming on;

"There," continued he, unow I am at your service."

"Then tell me," said Sparkle, "what you are at."

"First," inquired Merry well, "let me know what is your object in asking
such a question."

This being briefly explained, together with the absolute necessity there
was for his leaving town without delay--

"Now," said he, "I am at liberty to give you a sketch of circumstances
which have befallen me since I saw you last."

"Come then," said Dashall, "we will proceed to Piccadilly, spend a
comfortable afternoon, and ship you off by the mail from the White Horse
Cellar at eight o'clock."

"With all my heart," was the reply. "Well, now you must understand, I am
a sort of dabbler in professions. I was liberated from the high wall
of the Priory by the Insolvent Debtor's Act; and since the unfortunate
representation to the Old Boy, which deprived me of the needful
supplies, I have tried my hand in three different ways."

"And which are they?"

"Love, law, and literature," continued Merry well.

"A very pretty combination," said Dashall, "and are you able to make
them blend comfortably together?"

~~259~~~ "Nothing more easy in the world. In the first place, a lady has
taken a fancy to me, which fancy I am willing to indulge; in return for
which she provides me with every indulgence.--I profess to be principal
in the office of a" lawyer of established practice, who suffers me to
share in the profits of such business as I can obtain. In the way of
literature I have as yet done but little, though I am encouraged to hope
much, from the success of others. Indeed I am told, if I can but write
libels for John Bull, I may make a rapid fortune."

"And when so made," said Sparkle, "I shall wish you well with it; but I
think the speculation I have already named much more likely to turn out
equal to your wishes, and more consonant with your feelings, than the
pursuit of either of those you have mentioned."

"There I agree perfectly with you; and if I can make all right with the
old gentleman, a fig for all the rest of my occupations: but you know I
always liked independence, and if I could not get a fortune ready made,
I had a desire to be the architect of one I should raise for myself."

"Why I know you have generally borne the character of a man of genius."

"Yes, and a deal my character did for me after quitting the walls. Why
man, I happened to hear of a vacancy in a city parish school, for which
I ventured to conceive myself duly qualified, and therefore determined
to make application to the churchwardens, one of whom had the character
of being a man of great power, and was said to be the first in his line
in the three kingdoms. Away I posted, full of hope and expectation
of becoming a second Caleb Quotem, not doubting but salary and
circumstances would turn out exactly to my wish."

"But I thought you liked independence," said Tallyho.

"Rather too much to engage in that concern," was the reply, "as you will
hear presently. Upon tracing out this gentleman who bore so strong a
recommendation to particular notice, you may guess my surprise upon
finding 'Purveyor of sausages' in gold letters over his door."

Dashall burst into an irresistible laugh, and was most cordially joined
by Sparkle and Tallyho, who were now strongly interested in the result
of Merrywell's account.

"When I arrived," continued Merry well, "this patron was reading the
newspaper, which he threw down immediately upon my entrance, having
mistaken me for a customer."

~~260~~~ "Survaut, Sir," said he, pulling down his greasy
waist-coat.--"I am come, Sir," said I, "to make some inquiry
concerning a vacant school-master-ship."--"Oh there again," resumed the
sausage-making churchwarden,--"Vy you are the seventeenth fellow that
has been here to-day a bothering me about this plaguy vacasey. How do
you read? you'll have a trial before me and my brother representative of
this parish, and my spouse will also attend the reading bouts. Now if
so be as you minds your hits, why then may be you'll be the dominy. But,
mind you, I don't like your sonorous voices, and my spouse--she knows
things quite as well as I do,--she vants a great deal of action, so
only you mind, loud and sonorous, and plenty of muscular motion for my
spouse, that's the vay to win; but I haven't any time to talk to you
now, you must call of an evening, when I am more at leisure, and then
I'll explain; so move off now, Sir, move off, for I sees a customer
coming--survant maum."--"Flesh and blood could bear no more, and
so"------"So what," said Sparkle; "did you knock him down in the midst
of his own sausages?"

"No, no, I knew too much of the law for that; but I cut the
churchwarden, and bolted from the sausage-shop, determined to embrace
law, physic, or divinity, in preference to cutting

"---------- The rumps
Of little school-boy Jackies."

"The study of the law was rather compulsory than voluntary, for during
my residence in the College I was under the necessity of devoting some
part of my time to, though I felt no great partiality for it; and you
know law is law; and as in such, and so forth, and hereby and aforesaid,
provided always nevertheless notwithstanding, law is like a country
dance, people are led up and down in it till they are tired: law is like
a book of surgery, there are a great many terrible cases in it. It is
also like physic, they that take least of it are best off: law is like
a homely gentlewoman, very well to follow: law is like a scolding wife,
very bad when it follows us: law is like a new fashion, people are
bewitched to get into it; it is also like bad weather, most people are
glad when they get out of it."

~~261~~~ "I believe that sincerely," cried the Hon. Tom Dashall; "for I
think there are instances enough in which law has nothing at all to do
with justice."{1}

1 This remark of the Hon. Tom Dashall is admirably
illustrated by the following statement:--

Twelve People in one Bail Bond fob Ten Pounds.--There
are very few instances of delinquency which we have
stated, that will stagger the belief of the fair
practitioner, because they know such transactions are
possible; their only surprise is the impunity with which
they are committed, mixed with some regret that the
profession is so contaminated. The species of peculation
we have now to submit to our readers is of singular nature;
for we know not whether folly, impudence, or infamy, has the
greater share in the transaction; we will therefore leave
our readers to judge:--as to the statement of the fact, it
is impossible we can err, as we were concerned for the
defendants, and the case, singular as it is, was literally
and accurately thus:--One of those unfortunate females who
contribute to the existence of a miscreant crew of bawds,
milliners, hair-dressers, tally-women, and many other
reptiles of the same class, was arrested for ten pounds, at
the house of the celebrated, or, more properly speaking,
the notorious, Mrs. Johnson, of Jermyn-street:--the
attorney accompanied the officer; and it happened that a
young gentleman connected with a banking-house of great
respectability was present, whom the attorney directed to
take in a bail bond, with the lady-abbess herself; but as
they were not sufficiently responsible, ten more of the
cyprian tribe, all nuns of the same convent, were likewise
required to execute this bond; of course they complied.
The attorney, after having made the parties acquainted
with the great favour he had shewn them, and the vast
responsibility he had taken upon himself, required no more
than two guineas for the officer and himself; telling them
he would give them information when any thing further was to
be done; instead of which he took an assignment, sued out
process, prepared declarations, and served the parties.

The gentleman, rather alarmed at the idea of the
circumstance being known, desired us to pay the debt and
costs: for that purpose we applied to the attorney, and to
our astonishment we were informed that the costs amounted to
Thirty Pounds! for that there were twelve defendants. The
reader cannot suppose that any thing further could pass upon
such a preposterous subject, than giving notice of an
application to the court, to set aside the proceedings. On
our return home we found eleven of the defendants,
consisting of the old brood hen and her chickens, each with
a copy of the process in her hand. The business now most
certainly put on the appearance of some costs. We again
applied to the attorney, and, by way of cutting it short,
offered him five pounds; but he, like many others who rely
on the integrity and propriety of their practice, disdained
a compromise, or abridgement of his lawful fees, and he was
hardy enough to suffer the application. It is almost
needless to say, the proceedings were set aside. We have
forebome to mention the name of the attorney, on account of
the misery in which this dreadful transaction has involved
him, a misery which amply atones for his offences, and
deprives him of the power of ever offending again as an
attorney. Far be it from us then to sink him deeper in the
gulph of wretchedness: we kick not the dead lion; it is
athletic triumphant villany against which we wage war.

~~202~~~ By this time they were arrived in Piccadilly, where they sat
down to a cheerful refreshment, and proceeded to make arrangements
for Merry well's departure: previous to this, however, Dashall and his
Cousin had an engagement to keep with their Hibernian friends, of which
particulars will appear in the next Chapter.

CHAPTER XX

All hail to the day of the tutelar Saint,
Old George, not the King, but the Prince of brave fellows,
And Champion of England, by Providence sent
To slay a fierce Dragon as histories tell us!

And hail to the King of the first Isle on Earth,
His fame with St. George and the Dragon who blending,
Has chosen to celebrate this as his birth,
The day of all others, good fortune portending.

Away then with Care, let us haste to the Park,
Where Buckingham-house will exhibit a levy
Resplendent in rank, youth and beauty;--and hark!
Hoarse cannon announce both the birth-day and Levee.

Reverberate then, in each sea-port the roar!
And wave England's Standard on high, from each steeple,
And skip from the oiling, each ship, to the shore,
And joyfully dance on dry land with the people!{1}

1 That we may not be accused of plagiarism, we acknowledge
ourselves indebted for the hyperbole contained in the last
two lines of these introductory stanzas, to an original
recommendation for a proper display of rapture, as
contained in the following couplet by one Peter Ker, wherein
he very humanely invites all the vessels belonging to Great
Britain to strand themselves out of joy for the accession of
James I.

"Let subjects sing, bells ring, and cannons roar,
And every ship come dancing to the shore."

The morning of St. George's Day was ushered in, as the
appointed anniversary of his Majesty's birth, by all the
church-bells of the metropolis, the waving of the royal
standard from the steeples, the display of the colours of
all nations by the vessels in the Thames, and Cumberland
mentions in his Memoirs, that when his father the Bishop
revisited his estate in Ireland, an affectionate rustic hit
upon an ingenious mode of shewing his happiness, by leaping
from a tree, and breaking his leg! We do not find that any
of his Majesty's loving subjects in the Park on St. George's
Day followed the example of the Irish rustic!

[Illustration: page233.jpg St. George's Day]

Other manifestations of affection by a grateful people to the best of
Sovereigns!--

"The sky was overcast, the morning lower'd,
And heavily in clouds brought on the day."

~~264~~~ But despite of wind or wet, female curiosity must be gratified.
Miss Judith Macgilligan had some time previous to this auspicious
day, expressed a desire to witness the gay and brilliant assemblage
of company in progress to the Levee, and Tom and Bob having gallantly
volunteered their services on this important occasion, they now sallied
forth, just as the Park and Tower guns were thundering the announcement
of festivity, and joining Sir Felix O'Grady and his aunt at their
lodgings, the party immediately moved onward to the scene of action.

Already had Royalty taken wing, and dignified with his presence the late
maternal Palace, before our pedestrians reached the Park, to the great
disappointment of Miss Macgilligan, who however consoled herself with
the hope of being able to obtain a glimpse of monarchy as his Majesty
passed on his return to Carlton-house.

The Baronet in the meanwhile was in a reverie, which at last broke out
in the following rhapsody:--

Oh! blest occasion of dispensing good,
How seldom used, how little understood!--
To nurse with tender care the thriving arts,
Watch every beam philosophy imparts:
To give religion her unbridled scope,
Nor judge by statute a believer's hope;
With close fidelity and love unfeign'd,
To keep the matrimonial bond unstain'd;
Covetous only of a virtuous praise,
His life a lesson to the land he sways.
Blest country where these kingly glories shine!
Blest England, if this happiness be thine!

But,--

If smiling peeresses, and simp'ring peers,
Encompassing his throne a few short years;
If the gilt carriage and the pamper'd steed,
That wants no driving and disdains the lead;
If guards, mechanically form'd in ranks,
Playing at beat of drum their martial pranks,
Should'ring, and standing as if stuck to stone,
While condescending majesty looks on;--
If monarchy consists in such base things,
Sighing, I say again, I pity Kings.

~~265~~~ An immense number of splendid carriages now presented
themselves to view, in continued and uninterrupted succession,
stretching from the Horse Guards the whole length of the Mall, to
Buckingham-house, where each setting down, and thence taking up a
position in the Bird-cage Walk, they formed a circle of nearly two
miles, and exhibited, in the magnificence of the vehicles, the admirable
symmetry of the horses, and rich liveries of the attendants, a scene of
interest, matchless perhaps by any other metropolis in the universe.

Skirting the indeterminable line of carriages, that slowly and under
frequent stoppages proceeded to the goal of attraction, our party
penetrated at last the dense mass of spectators, and gaining
a favourable post of observation, took a position adjacent to
Buckingham-house, where the band of music of the Foot Guards within,
and that of the Horse Guards without the iron-railing circumscribing the
palace, alternately enlivened the scene with "concord of sweet sounds."

But the great and general object of attention, was that of female
loveliness, occupying almost every passing vehicle. Dashall remarked,
that he had never before been gratified with such an extensive and
captivating display. Sir Felix and the Squire were in raptures, and even
the primitive austerity of Miss Macgilligan yielded to the influence of
beauty, and acknowledging its predominancy, she at same time observed,
that its fascination was enhanced by the dress of the ladies, which,
though splendid, exhibited genuine taste, and was more remarkable for
its uniform adherence to modesty than she had hitherto seen it on any
similar occasion.{1}

1 We are not fastidious, neither would we wish the charms of
youth and beauty inaccessible to admiration; but certainly
the dress, or rather undress of our fair countrywomen, has
of late years bordered closely on nudity.--Female delicacy
is powerfully attractive; we were glad to observe its
predominancy at the last Levee, and we trust that it will
gain universal prevalence.--Edit.

~~266~~~ Dashall, whose place would more properly have been in the
circle within the palace than amongst the spectators without, was
frequently saluted by the passing company; and when the fair hand
of beauty waved gracefully towards him, Sir Felix felt happy in
the friendship and society of a gentleman thus honoured with such
distinguished recognition, and in the warmth of his feelings exclaimed
aloud, that, "by the immortal powers, were he King of England, he would
be more proud of the irradiating charms of these celestial visiters,
than in the diadem of royalty and extension of empire!" This remark was
universally acquiesced in, and most cordially so by a group of lively
girls, to whom it had apparently given much pleasure; one of whom
thanked the Baronet in the name of the sex, and complimented him on his
gallantry, which she said was truly characteristic of his country.

To Sir Felix an encomium from a fair lady was ever irresistible.

He bowed, expressed a commensurate feeling of gratitude for the honour
conferred upon him, and professed himself an ardent admirer of the whole
of women kind; concluding by humming a stanza from Burns,--

"Auld Nature swears the lovely dears
Her noblest work she classes, O;
Her 'prentice han' she tried on man,
And then she made the lasses, O."

Unluckily for the apophthegm of the Baronet, it so happened, that a
quarrel took place in the immediate vicinity and hearing of the party,
between two rival female fruiterers of the Emerald Isle; during which
incivilities were exchanged in language not altogether acceptable to the
auricular organs of delicacy. The brogue was that of Munster,--the
war of words waged quicker and faster; and from invective the heroines
seemed rapidly approximating to actual battle. Neither park-keeper nor
constable were at hand; and although the surrounding mobility "laughed
at the tumult and enjoyed the storm," Sir Felix, much distressed at
so untoward an incident, and deeply interested in the honour of his
country, so lately the theme of elegant panegyric, dashed through the
crowd, the component parts of which he scattered aside like chaff, and
arrested the further progress of the wranglers.

"Arrah, now, for the honour of Munster, be any, ye brats of the devil's
own begetting!"

"Hear him! hear him! hear the umpire!" resounded from all quarters.

"May the devil make hell-broth of ye both, in his own caldron!"

~~267~~~ The mirth of the multitude became now still more obstreperous,
and Tom and Bob pushed forward to the assistance of their friend, who
was in the act of keeping the two viragos apart from each other, having
a hand on each, and holding them at arms length, alternately threatening
and remonstrating, while the two nymphs, with frightful grimaces,
struggled to elude his grasp, and abide the chance of war;--the scene
altogether would have afforded ample scope for the pencil of an artist;
and if not edifying, was at least to a numerous and motley assemblage
of spectators, highly entertaining. Sir Felix declined the assistance of
his friends,--

"Never mind it," said he, "I'll settle the affair myself, my
honies:" and slipping a half-crown piece into the hand of each of
the amazons--"Now be off wid you," he whispered,--"lave the Park
immediately;--away to the gin-shop;--shake hands wid each other in
friendship; and drink good-luck to Sir Felix O'Grady."

With many expressions of gratitude, the contending parties obeyed the
mandate, and walked off lovingly together, cheek-by-jowl, as if no
irruption of harmony had happened!

"Long life to him!" exclaimed a son of green Erin; "wid a word in the
ear he has settled the business at once."

"And I pray," said a reverend looking gentleman in black, "that all
conflicting powers may meet with like able mediation."

"Amen!" responded a fellow in the drawling nasil tone of a parish-clerk;
and the congregation dispersed.

The tumult thus happily subdued, Sir Felix, with Tom and Bob, rejoined
Miss Macgilligan and the group with whom she had been left in charge
when the two latter gentlemen came to the Baronet's relief.