Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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~~246~~~ In the midst of this bustle, noise and confusion, it was some
time before the high bailiff could obtain silence; when Sir William
made his appearance on the hustings, and in language well suited for the
occasion, declared the heartfelt gratitude he entertained for the high
and distinguished honour so handsomely conferred upon him, with
his determination never to lose sight of the invaluable rights and
privileges of his constituents, assuring them they were welcome
to indulge themselves with any thing the house afforded. He next
complimented his opponents on the very gentlemanlike way in which
the election had been conducted, and alluded most emphatically to the
introduction of those voters who endeavour to lighten the darkness
of the world, the link-carriers, who by their manners and conduct had
become on that occasion as it were links of a chain, which in point of
friendship, good humour and independence, he sincerely hoped would
never be broken. Rapturous applause followed this speech, which
notwithstanding the almost overpowering load of gratitude with which the
speaker was burthened, was given with good emphasis and corresponding
effect.

The other candidates returned thanks to those of their fellow-citizens
who had supported their interest; and no one seeming inclined to call
for a scrutiny, Sir William took the official oath, and was invested
with the cloathing of magistracy, which being done, Mr. Alderman Whetman
arose to address the mayor.

The well known ability usually displayed by this gentleman, his
patriotic zeal, and undeviating integrity, commanded immediate silence,
while he informed the chief magistrate of a circumstance which had
recently occurred, and which left one of the wards unrepresented, by a
worthy alderman who in consequence of accepting an office in the
board of controul, had by the laws of Lushington vacated his seat. An
explanation being demanded, it appeared that the worthy alderman had
become a deputy manager of a country theatre, and consequently must be
considered under the board of controul; it was therefore necessary he
should at least be re-elected before he could be allowed to continue in
the distinguished station of alderman: this point being agreed to, the
situation was declared vacant, and a time appointed for the election.

~~247~~~ The official business of the election being over, harmony and
conviviality became the order of the night; foaming bowls and flowing
glasses decorated the tables; many of the citizens withdrawing to rest
after their labours, made room for those who remained, and every one
seemed desirous to

"Wreath the bowl
With flowers of soul,
The brightest wit can find us;
We'll take a flight
Towards heav'n to-night,
And leave dull earth behind us."

The song, the toast, the sentiment, followed each other in rapid
succession; mirth and good humour prevailed, and time, while he
exhausted himself, appeared to be inexhaustible. The beams of wit,
the lively sallies of humour, and the interchange of good fellowship,
eradiated the glass in its circulation, and doubly enhanced its
contents; and in amusements so truly congenial with the disposition of
the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin, they joined till after four o'clock
in the morning, thus rendering themselves true and devoted citizens of
Lushington, when they sallied forth, tolerably well primed for any lark
or spree which chance might throw in their way. It was a fine morning,
and while the shopkeepers and trades-men were taking their rest, the
market gardeners and others were directing their waggons and carts to
Covent Garden.

"Now," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "we will just take a turn round the
Garden, and a stroll down Drury-lane, for a walk will do us no harm
after our night's amusement, and we can hardly fail to find subjects
worthy of observation, though; in all probability we are too early to
realize all the poet's description of a market:"

"A market's the circle for frolic and glee,
Where tastes of all kinds may be suited;
The dasher, the quiz, and the "up to all"--he,
Pluck sprees from the plants in it rooted.
If the joker, or queer one, would fain learn a place,
Where they'd wish for a morning to "lark it,"
They need go no further than just shew their face,
In that region of mirth, a large market."

~~248~~~ The streets that surround the theatres, and which of an evening
are thronged with the elegant equipage of the visitors, were now filled
with carts, waggons, and other vehicles of various denominations, for
conveyance of the marketable commodities to and from the place of sale:
here and there were groupes of Irishmen and basket-women, endeavouring
to obtain a load, and squabbling with assiduous vociferations for the
first call.

"This," said Tom, "is the largest market for vegetables we have in the
metropolis, and supplies numerous retail dealers with their stock in
trade; who assemble here early in the morning to make their bargains,
and get them home before the more important business of the day, that
of selling, commences." While Tom was explaining thus briefly to his
Cousin, aloud laugh attracted their attention, and drew them to a part
of the market where a crowd was collected, to witness a squabble between
a Jew orange merchant and a pork butcher.{1}

1 Although the Hon. Tom Dashall hurried his Cousin from the
scene of altercation, at the time of its occurrence, they
enjoyed a hearty laugh at the following report of the facts
which appeared in one of the morning papers shortly
afterwards:--

EFHRAIM versus STEWART.

"This was a proceeding in limine, by which the plain till'
sought reparation for violence done to his religious
scruples and bodily health by the defendant, inasmuch as he,
the plaintiff being a Jew, on Wednesday, the 12th day of
this month, in the forenoon, in the parish of St. Paul
Covent Garden, did, with malice aforethought, knock him down
with a pig's head, contrary to the statute, and against the
peace of our Sovereign Lord the King," &c.

Both plaintiff and defendant pleaded each for himself, no
counsel being employed on either side.

Ephraim Ephraim deposed, that he is by profession an orange-
merchant, carrying on his business in Covent Garden market.
That the defendant, Richard Stewart, is a dealer in pork and
poultry in the said market; and that he the said Richard
Stewart, on the day and time then stated, did thrust a pig's
face against his cheek with such violence, as to throw him
backwards into a chest of oranges, whereby he sustained
great damage both in body, mind, and merchandize. Plaintiff
stated moreover, that he had previously and on sundry
occasions forewarned the said Richard Stewart, it was
contrary to the tenets of his religion to come in contact
with pork, and yet nevertheless he the said Richard did
frequently, and from time to time, intrude pork upon his
attention, by holding it up aloft in the market, and
exclaiming aloud, "Ephraim, will you have a mouthful?" All
this, he humbly submitted, betokened great malice and
wickedness in the said Richard, and he therefore besought
the magistrate to interpose the protection of the law in bis
behalf.

The magistrate observed, that he was astonished a person of
Mr. Stewart's appearance and respectability should be guilty
of such conduct, and having explained to him that the law
afforded equal protection to the professors of every
religion, called upon him for his defence.

"May it please your Worship," said Mr. Richard Stewart, who
is a well fed man, of a jolly and pleasing countenance,
"May it please your Worship, I keeps a shop in Covent Garden
Market, and have done so any time these ten years, and Mr.
Ephraim's stand is next to mine. Now, your Worship, on
Wednesday morning I'd a hamper o'pork sent up out
o'Hertfordshire, and so I opened the hamper, and at the top
of it lay a nice head, and I takes it and holds it up and
says I, Heres a bootiful head, says I, did ever any body see
such a handsome un, and sure enough your Worship it was the
most bootiftd as ever was, and would a done any body's heart
good to see it. It was cut so clean of the quarter (drawing
his finger closely across his own neck), and was so short
i'the snout, and as white as a sheet,--it was, your Worship,
remarkably handsome. And so, I said, says I, look here, did
ever tiny body see such a picture, holding it up just in
this manner. With that, 'Ah, says Mr. Ephraim, says he, now
my dream's out; I dream't last night that I saw two pig's
heads together, and there they are;' meaning my head, and
the pig's head, your Worship. Well, I took no notice o'that,
but I goes me gently behind him, and slides the pig's head
by the side of his head, claps my own o' the other side all
on a row, with the pig's in the middle, your Worship; and
says I to the folks, says I, now who'll say which is the
honestest face of the three. With that, your Worship, all
the folks fell a laughing, and I goes myself quietly back
again to a stall. But poor Ephraim, he fell in such a
passion! Lord, Lord, to see what a pucker he were in, he
danced, and he capered, and he rubbed his whiskers, though I
verily believe the pig's head never touched him; and he
jumped and he fidgeted about, all as one as if he was mad,
till at last he tumbled into the orange chest, your Worship,
of his own accord, as it were, and that's the long and the
short of it, your Worship, as my neighbours here can
specify."

His Worship, having listened attentively to those
conflicting statements, decided that the defendant had acted
indecently in insulting the religious feelings of the
plaintiff, though at the same time the affair was hardly
worth carrying to the Sessions, and therefore he would
recommend the plaintiff to be satisfied with an apology.

The defendant expressed the greatest willingness to
apologize. "For," says he, "I have ax'd another Jew what
could make Mr. Ephraim in such a passion; and he told me,
your Worship, that if you get a rale Jew, and rub him with a
bit o'pork, it's the greatest crime as ever was."

Plaintiff and defendant then retired, and the
matter was compromised.

~~250~~~ The Israelite appeared to be in a great rage, swore he
would have revenge of his insulting neighbour, and pull him up. The
exasperation of the Jew afforded much merriment to the spectators, who
seemed to enjoy his aggravation: our friends, however, had arrived
too late to discover the cause, and although not very particular about
discovering themselves amid the mob, conceived it most prudent to move
onward without inquiry; "for," as Tom observed, "if we ask any questions
we are sure to be told lies: "they then passed through the Market, made
their way up James-street to Long Acre, and thence to Drury-lane.

[Illustration: page250.jpg Drury Lane]

The watchmen were just leaving their stations, with an intention to
partake of what they had all night been endeavouring to deprive others,
and the humbler ranks of society were preparing for the business of the
day; while the batter'd beau, the clean'd out buck, and the dissipated
voluptuary, were occasionally to be seen gliding from holes and corners,
and scampering home with less wisdom in their heads, and less money in
their purses, than when they left. Here was to be seen the City shopman,
hastening away from his dulcenea, to get down his master's shutters
before the gouty old gentleman should be able to crawl down stairs;
there, the dandy, half dressed, and more than half seas over, buttoning
his toggery close round him to keep out the damp air of the morning,
affecting to sing

"Be gone dull care;"

slipped along, as he supposed, unobserved, between dustmen, scavengers,
flue-fakers, gardeners, fish-fags, and brick-layer's labourers--to refit
and put himself in a situation to recount the adventures of the night.
At one door, stood a shivering group of half-starved chimney-sweepers,
rending the air with their piercing cries of "sweep," occasionally
relieved by a few hearty d---ns bestowed upon the servant, that she
did not come down, in order to let a diminutive urchin yet up the flue;
leaning against a post at the corner of the street was an overdone
Irishman, making a bargain with pug-nosed Peg, a sort of half-bred
pinafore cyprian, whose disappointments during the night induced her to
try at obtaining a morning customer. The Hibernian was relating the ill
usage he had been subjected to, and the necessity he had of making a
hasty retreat from the quarters he had taken up; while Bet Brill, on
her road to Billingsgate, was blowing him up for wearing odd boots, and
being a hod man--blowing a cloud sufficient to enliven and revive the
whole party.

~~251~~~ "Poor fellow," said Tom, "it would be a charity to pop him into
a rattler, and drive him home; and do you see, he is standing close to
a mud cart, the delicate drippings of which are gently replenishing his
otherwise empty pockets."

"Be aisy," said Pat Murphy the hodman, "arn't he an Irish jontleman,
arn't I a jontleman from Ireland; and arn't it lit and proper, and
right and just, as well as jontlemanly, that two jontlemen should go
together, so come along Peg, we'll just take a taste of the cratur,
drink success to the lads of Shellaly, and put the matter in its right
shape." With this pug-nosed Peg seized him by one arm, and the last
orator by the other, and in a short time they entered a sluicery in the
neighbourhood, which enclosed the party from view.

Turning from the group which they had been paying attention to, they
were suddenly attracted by a female purveyor for the stomach, who was
serving out her tea, coffee, and saloop, from a boiling cauldron, and
handing with due complaisance to her customers bread and butter, which
was as eagerly swallowed and devoured by two dustmen, who appeared to
relish their delicate meal with as much of appetite and gout, as the
pampered palate of a City alderman would a plate of turtle. The figure
of the lady, whose commodities were thus desirable and refreshing to the
hungry dust-collectors, struck Bob at the first view as having something
matronly and kind about it.

"These persons," said Tom, "are really useful in their vocation; and
while they provide a wholesome beverage for the industrious, are rather
deserving of approbation than censure or molestation: the latter,
however, they are frequently subjected to; for the kids of lark, in
their moments of revelry, think lightly of such poor people's stock in
trade, and consider it a prime spree to upset the whole concern,
without caring who may be scalded by the downfall, or how many of their
fellow-creatures may go without a breakfast and dinner in consequence;
but do you mark the other woman behind her?"

"I do," said Bob, "and it is impossible to view them both without
noticing the striking contrast they form to each other."

~~252~~~ "Your observations are just," continued Tom; "that is an old
beldame of the neighbourhood, in search of the poor unhappy girl who has
just taken the Irishman in tow, an encourager of all that is vicious and
baneful in society."

"I could almost judge that from her features," replied Bob, "though I do
not pretend to much skill in physiognomy."

"A debauched body and a vitiated mind are perceptible in her face, and
having remained on the town till these were too visible for her to hope
for a continuance, she is now a tutoress of others, to make the most of
those with whom they promiscuously associate. She furnishes the finery,
and shares the plunder. It is, however, a melancholy and disgusting
picture of Real Life in London, and merely deserves to be known in order
to be avoided, for there is no species of villainy to which persons of
her stamp"--

"Of whom it is to be hoped there are but few," cried Tallyho,
interrupting him.

"For the sake of human nature," replied Dashalt., "it is to be hoped so;
but there is no species of villainy to which they will not stoop." {1}

1 The Hon. Tom Dashall's observations on this subject are
but too strikingly exemplified by a case heard at Worship-
street Police Office a short time back, in which Jemima
Matthews was charged with conduct which excited astonishment
at the depravity of human nature.--One of the parish
constables of Spitalfields stated, he proceeded to the
residence of the prisoner in Upper Cato-street, and found
the wretch at the bar surrounded by eight children, while a
supper, consisting of a variety of meats and vegetables, was
making ready on the fire. Three children, Frederick Clark,
John Clark, and John Bailey, were owned by their parents.
The children seemed so much under the controul of this
infamous woman, that they were afraid to tell the truth
until she was removed from the bar. Little Bailey then said,
they were daily sent out to steal what they could, and bring
it home in the evening. When they could get nothing else,
they stole meat from the butchers, and vegetables from the
green-grocers. The woman kept a pack of cards, by which she
told their fortunes, whether they would succeed, or be
caught by the officers. Mr. Swaby observed, that since he
had attended the Office, he never witnessed a case of so
much iniquity. The prisoner was remanded for further
examination, and the magistrate intimated he should desire
the parish to prosecute her for the misdemeanor, in exciting
these children to commit felonies.

~~253~~~ At this moment their attention was suddenly called to another
subject, by a loud huzza from a combination of voices at no great
distance from where they then were, and in a few minutes a considerable
concourse of dustmen and others appeared in view.

"There is something in the wind," said Dashall, "we must have a look at
these gentry, for there is frequently some humour among them.

"I hope," replied Bob, "they have not overturned the dustcart in the
wind, for I am apprehensive in such a case we should scarcely have eyes
to view their frolics."

Tom laughed at the ready turn of his Cousin, and remarking that all
flesh was dust, proceeded towards the increasing party: here they soon
found out; that, as a venerable son of the fan-tailed-hat fraternity
described it, "a screw was loose."

"Perhaps," inquired Bob, "it is the linch-pin." "Why aye, mayhap as how
that there may be the case for aught I knows about it. Howsomdever, I'll
tell you all about it:--first and foremost you must know that Dick Nobbs
lives down here in Charles-street, and Dick Nobbs has got a wife. Now
she is the devil's own darling, and Dick is a match for her or the devil
himself, come from wherever he may, but as good a fellow as ever lapp'd
up a pail full of water-gruel; and so you must know as how Dick has this
here very morning been found out, in bed with another man's wife. The
other man is a nightman, and rubbish-carter, vhat lives in the same
house with Dick; so this here man being out all night at a job, Dick
gets lushy, and so help me------, he finds his way steady enough into
that there man's bed, and vhen that there man comes home, my eyes vhat a
blow up! There lays Dick Nobbs fast asleep in the man's wife's arms, so
he kicks up a row--Dick shews fight--and the man comes and tells us all
about it; so we are going to try him for a misdemeanor, and he can't
help himself no how whatsomedever."

Tom was alive to the story, and in a few minutes the culprit was
conducted to a neighbouring public-house, tried before a whole bench of
the society, cast, and condemned to undergo the usual sentence in
such cases made and provided, entitled, "Burning Shame," and active
preparations were making by those of the fraternity without, to carry
into immediate execution the sentence pronounced by those within.

~~254~~~ The offender was decorated with a bunch of Christmas in his
hat, and two large carrots in the front, to represent horns. In this
manner he was mounted on the brawny shoulders of four of his companions,
preceded by the crier of the court, another dustman, with a bell, which
he rung lustily, and at intervals proclaimed the crime of which the
culprit had been found guilty. After the crier, followed eight more
of the brotherhood, two and two, their hats ornamented with bunches
of holly, and a burning candle in the front of each hat. Then came the
culprit, carried as already described, with a pot of heavy wet in one
hand, and a pipe of tobacco in the other, which he occasionally smoaked,
stooping forward to light it at one of the candles in the fantail hats
of his two front supporters. The rear of this ludicrous procession was
brought up by several other dustmen and coalheavers, and their ladies.
The procession set out from Charles-street, down Drury-lane, Great
Queen-street, Wild-street, and round Clare Market, followed by an
immense crowd, which kept increasing as they went, and nearly rendered
the streets impassable. Two collectors were appointed, one on each side
of the street, and were very active in levying contributions among
the spectators to defray the expenses. They stopped at several
public-houses, where they quaffed off oceans of heavy wet, and numerous
streamlets of old Jamaica, and then returned to headquarters in
Charles-street, where the offence was drowned in drink, and they and
their ladies passed the remainder of the evening, as happy as beer and
gin, rum and tobacco, could make them.

Having witnessed a considerable part of this ceremonious proceeding,
and been informed of the intended finale, our friends, who began to
feel somewhat uncomfortable for want of refreshment and rest, proposed
returning home; and having thrown themselves into a hack, they in a
short time arrived at Piccadilly.

CHAPTER XIX

"'If in Real Life's chapter you e'er tind a blank,
'Tis yourself and you only you justly can thank;
For to him who is willing--there's no need to stand,
Since enough may be found 'twixt Mile End and the Strand
To instruct, to inform, to disgust or invite,
To deplore, to respect, to regret or delight."

"'Tis in London where unceasing novelty grows,
Always fresh--and in bloom like the opening rose;
But if to the rose we its sweetness compare,
"fis as freely confess'd many thorus gather there;
And if to avoid the latter you're prone,
'Tis at least quite as well, where they are, should be known."

~~255~~~ The arrival at Piccadilly turned out to be truly agreeable
to our friends, who were scarcely dressed and seated at the
breakfast-table, before they were surprised by the unexpected appearance
of an old friend, whose company and conversation had upon many occasions
afforded them so much pleasure and information. This was no other than
Sparkle.

"My dear boy," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "you are welcome to the scene
of former gratifications. How is your better half, and all friends in
the country--any increase in the family? Why you look as healthy as
Hygeia, and as steady as old time."

"I confess," replied Sparkle, "you ask so many questions upon important
subjects in one breath, that I am quite deficient of wind to answer them
seriatim. You must therefore take an answer in two words--all's right."

"Enough," replied Tom, "then I am content; but how, what,--are you in
town alone?"

"You shall know all in time, but don't drive on too hard. I am glad to
meet you again in the regions of fun, frolic, and humour, of which I
doubt not there is, as there always was, a plentiful stock. Glad to see
you both in good health and tip-top spirits. I have only come to pass
a fortnight with you; and as I intend to make the utmost use of every
minute of the time, don't let us waste in empty words what would be
better employed in useful deeds."

~~256~~~ "Useful deeds," re-echoed Tom, "useful deeds--that savours of
reflection. I thought you were fully aware it is an article considered
of little value in the labyrinths of London; but since you are become,
as I may venture to presume, a useful man, what may be the objects upon
which you propose to practise your utility?"

"Still the same I find, Tom; all life, spirit, and gaiety, nothing like
a hit, and I suppose you now think you have a palpable one. Never mind,
I am not easily disconcerted, therefore you may play off the artillery
of your wit without much chance of obtaining a triumph; but however, in
plain words, I expect to be a happy father in about another month."