Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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~~235~~~ Remarking on this rencounter, Dashall observed, that the
insolence of these fellows was become really a public nuisance. Armed in
the panoply of arrogance, they assume the right of the footway, to the
ejection, danger, and frequent injury of other passengers; moving in a
direct line with loads that sometimes stretch on either side the width
of the pavement, they dash onward, careless whom they may run against,
or what mischief may ensue. "I would not," continued Dashall, "class
them with beasts of burthen, and confine them to the carriage-way of
the street, like other brutes of that description; but I would have them
placed under the control of some salutary regulations, and humanized
under the dread of punishment."

The Squire coincided with his friend in opinion, and added, by way of
illustration, that it was only a few days since he witnessed a serious
accident occasioned by the scandalous conduct of a porter: the fellow
bore on his shoulders a chest of drawers, a corner of which, while he
forced his way along the pavement, struck a young lady a stunning blow
on the head, bringing her violently to the ground, and falling against a
shop window, one of her hands went through a pane of glass, by which she
was severely cut; thus sustaining a double injury, either of which might
have been attended with fatal consequences.

The three friends had now gained the fashionable lounge of Bond-street,
whence turning into Conduit-street, they entered Limmer's Coffee-house,
for the purpose of closing, by refreshment, the morning's excursion.

Here Dashall recognized an old acquaintance in the person of an
eminent physician, who, after an interchange of civilities, resumed his
attention to the daily journals.

In the same box with this gentleman, and directly opposite, sat another,
whose health was apparently on the decline, who finding that the
ingenious physician had occasionally dropped into this coffee-house, had
placed himself _vis-a-vis_ the doctor, and made many indirect efforts
to withdraw his attention from the newspaper to examine the index of his
(the invalid's) constitution. He at last ventured a bold push at once,
in the following terms: "Doctor," said he, "I have for a long time
been very far from being well, and as I belong to an office, where I am
obliged to attend everyday, the complaints I have prove very troublesome
to me, ~~236~~~ and I would be glad to remove them."--The doctor laid
down his paper, and regarded his patient with a steady eye, while he
proceeded. "I have but little appetite, and digest what I eat very
poorly; I have a strange swimming in my head," &c. In short, after
giving the doctor a full quarter of an hour's detail of all
his symptoms, he concluded the state of his case with a direct
question:--"Pray, doctor, what shall I take?" The doctor, in the act
of resuming the newspaper, gave him the following laconic
prescription:--"Take, why, take advice!"

This colloquy, and its ludicrous result, having been perfectly audible
to the company present, afforded considerable entertainment, of which
the manoeuvring invalid seemed in no degree willing to partake, for
he presently made his exit, without even thanking the doctor for his
gratuitous advice.{1}

1 Limmeb's Hotel.--This justly esteemed Hotel was much
frequented by the late unfortunate Lord Camelford. Entering
the coffee-room one evening, meanly attired, as he often
was, he sat down to peruse the papers of the day. Soon after
came in a "dashing fellow," a "first-rate blood," who threw
himself into the opposite seat of the same box with Lord C,
and in a most consequential tone hallowed out, "Waiter!
bring in a pint of Madeira, and a couple of wax candles, and
put them in the next box." He then drew to him Lord C.'s
candle, and set himself to read. His Lordship glanced at him
a look of indignation, but exerting his optics a little
more, continued to decypher his paper. The waiter soon re-
appeared, and with a multitude of obsequious bows, announced
his having completed the commands of the gentleman, who
immediately lounged round into his box. Lord Camelford
having finished his paragraph, called out in a mimic tone to
that of Mr.-----, "Waiter! bring me a pair of snuffers."
These were quickly brought, when his Lordship laid down his
paper, walked round to the box in which Mr.-----was, snuffed
out both the candles, and leisurely returned to his seat.
Boiling with rage and fury, the indignant beau roared out,
"Waiter! waiter! waiter! who the devil is this fellow, that
dares thus to insult a gentleman? Who is he? What is he?
What do they call him?"--"Lord Camelford, Sir," said the
waiter.--"Who? Lord Camelford!" returned the former, in a
tone of voice scarcely audible; horror-struck at the
recollection of his own impertinence, and almost doubting
whether he was still in existence--"Lord Camelford!!! What
have I to pay?" On being told, he laid down his score, and
actually stole away, without daring to taste his Madeira.

~~237~~~ The repast ended, the friends separated; Sir Felix to rejoin
his august relative at their lodgings, and arrange with her preparations
for the entertainment of Tom and Bob, and these two gentlemen also
returning homewards to dress for the important occasion.

Passing the house of his tailor, the Baronet stept in, and desired Mr.
Snip to send to his lodgings, any time in the course of the evening, for
the last new suit, for the purpose of alteration, as had been already
pointed out.

Miss Macgilligan had preceded her nephew in reaching home, and gave
him, on his arrival, an appropriate and edifying lecture on a three-fold
subject, embracing--petulancy,--respect to superiors,--and veneration
for the memory of our ancestors.

The Baronet, who never designed seriously to insult his aunt, but merely
to have a bye-blow at her prominent foible,--pride of descent,--listened
with becoming deference to her dissertation, which was interrupted
by the entrance of his servant, (the same who on a certain
occasion confided to Mother Cummings the safety of his master's
property,{1})--"The tailor's boy, Sir Felix, for the new suit your Honor
ordered to be altered."--"Very well," rejoined Sir Felix, "sure enough
Mr. Snip is prompt in observance of instructions,--let the lad have
the suit immediately."--This business having been despatched, Miss
Macgilligan was about to resume her admonitory discourse; when, luckily,
the arrival of the expected guests prevented its continuance, and it was
consequently postponed until a more favourable opportunity.

1 Vide page 130.

Dinner was shortly announced, during which nothing occurred of
particular import. When the exhilirating "Tuscan grape" had superseded
the discarded viands, Miss Macgilligan mentioned, that she had been
grossly imposed upon by the driver of the hackney-chariot. It seems,
that conceiving Jehu was exacting more than his fare, the lady,
presenting a handful of silver, told him to take it all, if he thought
proper, and the conscientious knight of the whip had actually embraced
the offer in its literal acceptation, and pocketing the money, made the
best of his way, before she recovered from the surprise occasioned by
this "iniquitous" transaction.

~~238~~~ "Iniquitous!" repeated the Baronet;--"by the powers of folly
but there was no advantage taken at all, at all; and the man must
have been worse than an idiot had he rejected so liberal an offer!
Gra-machree, he might cry, and thanks to the donor, such opportunities
don't occur every day."

Appealing to her guests, she had the mortification of finding the
opinion of her nephew supported.--"Certainly, madam," said Dashall, "the
conduct of the man in putting a construction not meant upon your word,
was highly reprehensible; yet I am afraid that redress is unavailable.
A gift was implied, though obviously not intended, but impartially
speaking, you tendered a donation, and the man, if not morally right,
was legally justifiable in accepting it."

While this case was under discussion, the baronet chuckled at the
mischance of his aunt, and in defiance of the admonition given him a
few hours before, seemed more petulant, less respectful, and totally
irreverent of his ancestors.

In the enjoyment of this triumph, and asserting that he could not be
taken-in, even by the most artfully conducted manouvre, he was struck
dumb by the information that Mr. Snip the tailor had called for the new
suit. "The devil fly over the hill of Howth with him!" exclaimed the
astounded Sir Felix, with a secret foreboding of evil, "has he not had
the new suit, hours ago?"

"He says not, sir," answered the servant.

"Where then, in the name of mystery," rejoined the baronet, "are the
clothes gone to? They were sent by his boy, were they not?"

"He denies, sir," responded the servant, "that he sent for the clothes
at all at all."

"Sowl of my grandmother! send in this snip of a tailor instantaneously."

Dashall immediately surmised a fraud, and the statement of Snip
converted suspicion into fact.

Mr. Snip repeated, that he had not sent for the clothes; and neither
did he keep a boy; but he recollected that there was a lad in his shop
purchasing some trifling article at the time Sir Felix gave his address,
and ordered the new suit to be sent for; and there is no doubt, added
Snip, that this young adept, being thus put in the way of successfully
practising a fraud, gladly availed himself of the opportunity, and
obtained possession of the clothes in my name. But, Sir Felix (continued
Mr. Snip) it must have escaped your recollection when ~~239~~~ you
sanctioned the delivery of the clothes, that I had particularly
cautioned you, when you first honoured me with your custom, against your
sending to my house any articles of apparel by pretended messengers from
me, unless on the authority of my own hand writing."

"I exonerate you," said the baronet, "from censure, and exempt you from
loss. I have been swindled. There is now no remedy. So make me another
suit, and by stricter vigilance, we shall endeavour to avoid future
depredation."{1}

1 This is amongst the inferior classes of fraud daily
practised in the metropolis. The following is one of a
fust rate description.

Swindling.--A case most ingeniously contrived and
successfully carried into execution on Saturday last, is
scarcely to be equalled on the records of fraud. It was
equal to that practised on Rundle and Bridge, the jewellers,
some time ago, but the present case is only at the expense
of four costly gold watches. The swindler, who called
himself Mr. Winter, is rather above the middle size, was
dressed in a brown frock coat, wears long whiskers, and is
well calculated for imposition in address and manner. A
house in Southampton-street, Strand, occupied by Mr. Holt,
the barrister, having been advertised to be let, Mr. Winter
called about it several times last week, and he appointed
Saturday last to call with some ladies, when he could give a
final answer; and the servants were desired, if the
occupants were from home, to shew the gentleman and his
party into the dining-room. Having secured this point, Mr.
Winter called upon Mr. Ely, a jeweller, at the latter end of
the week, and after looking over some trifles, in the shop,
he desired that some ladies' watches might be brought to his
residence, No. 5, Southampton-street, at a certain hour on
Saturday, for inspection. The swindler called some time
before the jeweller was expected, and inquired if the ladies
who were to meet him there had called, and being informed in
the negative, he affected surprise, and desired them to be
informed of his arrival when they came. He was shewn into
the front drawing-room, but he preferred the adjoining room,
and desired the servant to shew a gentleman, who would call,
into the front room, and let him know when he arrived. The
jeweller was to his time with the goods, and Mr. Winter paid
him a visit, and after looking over the goods, he selected
four watches, worth 100L. to shew the ladies in the next
room, instead of which he took his hat, and walked off with
the watches. After waiting till out of patience, the
jeweller rang the bell, and the servant missed Mr. Winter,
who had promised her servitude, the landlord his new tenant,
and the jeweller his watches!

~~240~~~ It was now Miss Macgilligan's turn to triumph, but, to the
surprise and relief of her nephew, she did not avail herself of the
privilege; sensible, perhaps, that the loss which site sustained, was
occasioned by her own imprudence, and that his misfortune might have
happened to those even the most guarded against deception, she consoled
instead of recriminating. The most perfect unanimity now prevailed
between the two relatives; and the evening passed on with increased
pleasure. The unexpected migration of the new suit led to conversation
on the frauds of London, when Dashall justly observed, that if the
ingenuity exemplified in depredation was exercised in honest industry,
in place of being now the pest, many of those men might have been the
ornaments of Society.

CHAPTER XVIII

"Tho' village delights may charm for a time,
With hunting, with cricket, with trap-ball and such,
The rambles in London are bang-up and prime,
And never can tire or trouble us much;
Tis a life of variety, frolic, and fun:
Rove which way you will, right or left, up or down.
All night by the gas, and all day by the sun,
Sure no joys can compare with the joys of the town."

~~241~~~ Our two friends, in consequence of some allusions made by
the company at the Finish, on a preceding day, to a house of great
theatrical celebrity in Drury-lane, resolved on a visit the following
evening; and it may here be necessary to introduce such of our readers
as are not in the secret, to the same.

The Harp, opposite Drury-lane Theatre, is well known as the resort
of theatrical amateurs and professors; but those who have not had an
opportunity of visiting its interior, can scarcely form an idea of
the mirth, wit, and humour constantly displayed within its walls. The
circumstance here alluded to, though not exactly introduced in point of
time, is one which generally takes place once in three years; viz. the
election of a Mayor to represent the now City of Lushington, an event
which is attended with as much of bustle, interest, and whimsicality,
as a popular election for a member of Parliament. The generality of the
persons who are frequent visitors to the house are termed _Harponians_,
and by due qualification become citizens of Lushington. Although we
cannot give a true and circumstantial history of this ancient city, we
doubt not our numerous readers will discover that its title is derived
from an important article in life, commonly called Lush. The four wards
are also appropriately titled, as symbolical of the effects which are
usually produced by its improper application. On entering the room,
the first corner on the right hand is _Suicide Ward_, and derives its
appellation from a society so named, in which each member is bound by an
oath, that however he might feel inclined to lay violent hands upon his
glass, he would not lay violent hands upon his own existence.

~~242~~~ The left hand corner has also a name as appropriate as its
neighbour, being called _Poverty Ward_; so termed from its vicinity to
the door, and the ease with which a citizen, whose tanner case{1} and
toggery{2} are out of repair, may make his entree and exit, without
subjecting himself to the embarrassing gaze and scrutiny of his more
fortunate fellow-citizens. Juniper Ward, which is directly opposite to
Poverty Ward, may in a moral point of view be said to mark the natural
gradation rom the one to the other. Whether these wards are so placed
by the moral considerations of the ingenious citizens or not, we are at
present unable to learn; but we have discovered that _Juniper Ward_ is
so called in consequence of a club, consisting of seven citizens, who
bound themselves to meet every evening exactly on the spot, taking each
upon himself to defray the expense of _blue ruin_ for the whole party
on each evening alternately. In the corner directly opposite to Suicide
Ward is _Lunatic Ward_, indicative no doubt of the few steps there are
between the one and the other: hence the four corner pillars of this
ancient and honourable city are replete with moral instruction to the
wise and discriminating part of society.

1 Tanner case--a pocket.

2 Toggery--cloathing.

Each of these wards, like the wards of the City of London, has
its alderman, and no doubt can be entertained of their being ably
represented, as well as their rights and privileges being well secured
and sustained. A gentleman who is well known and highly respected for
his abilities and attentions as theatrical agent, which character he has
sustained for many years, is high bailiff, and at proper periods issues
his writ in the following form:--

"City of Lushington, (to wit.)

"The high bailiff having received a requisition to convene a meeting for
the purpose of nominating aldermen to represent the different wards, and
from them to elect a mayor for the above city for the year ensuing;

~~243~~~ "The high bailiff, in pursuance thereof, fixes Saturday the 22d
December inst. to nominate for the purpose aforesaid, and from thence
proceed to the election, which election is to continue till the
following Monday, being the 24th, when the poll is to be closed.

"Given under my hand, this 18th day of December, 1821. (Signed) "F.
SIMS, high bailiff."

"Lushington Hall."

"The election to commence at 7 o'clock; the poll to be closed at
half-past 10."

After this official notice, preparations are made in due form for the
election, and in the fitting up of the hustings the most skilful
and ingenious artists are selected from the several wards, while the
candidates are employed in forming their committees, and canvassing
their friends and fellow-citizens, each of them professing an intention
to intersect the city with canals of sky blue, to reduce the price of
heavy wet, and to cultivate plantations of the weed, to be given away
for the benefit and advantage of the community, thereby to render
taxation useless, and the comforts of life comeatable by all ranks and
degrees of society. To take the burthensome load of civic state upon
themselves, in order that their friends and neighbours may be free; that
independence may become universal, and that the suffrages of the people
may be beyond controul nor can it be doubted but these professions
are made with as much sincerity in many of a similar nature in larger
cities, and in situations of much greater importance.

"For quacks profess the nation's ills to cure,
To mend small fortunes, and set up the poor;
And oft times neatly make their projects known,
By mending not the public's, but their own.
The poor indeed may prove their watchful cares,
That nicely sift and weigh their mean affairs,
From scanty earnings nibbling portions small,
As mice, by bits, steal cheese with rind and all;
But why should statesmen for mechanics carve,
What are they fit for but to work and starve."

It is, however, proper to observe, that in the City of Lushington there
are no sinecures, no placemen and pensioners, to exhaust the treasury;
honour is the grand inducement for the acceptance of office, and highly
honour'd are those who are fortunate enough to obtain the mark s of
distinction to which they aspire.

~~244~~~ The oath administered upon such occasions is of a most serious
and solemn nature; which, however, notwithstanding the conscientious
scruples of the voters, must be taken with suitable gravity before they
can be, permitted to poll; being in substance nearly as follows:--

"I (A. B.) do swear that I have been an inhabitant of the City of
Lushington for the space of -- years; and that I have taken within its
walls -- pots of porter, -- glasses of jackey, and smoked --pipes; (the
blanks are filled in according to circumstances); that is to say, one
pot of heavy wet, one glass of juniper, and one loading of weed at
least annually; have been the cause of such acts in others, or have been
present when such acts have been performed; and that I have not polled
at this election."

This oath is sworn with all due solemnity, by kissing the foot of a
broken glass, and the vote is then recorded.

Tom and Bob, who had so little previous intimation of this important
event, were informed as they proceeded to the scene of action, by
a friend of one of the candidates, that the election was strongly
contested between Sir William Sims, the son of the worthy high bailiff,
Sir Benjamin Rosebud, Jessamine Sweetbriar, Sir Peter Paid, and
Peregrine Foxall, the silver-toned orator, strongly supported by the Tag
Rag and Bobtail Club. Sir Frederick Atkinson introduced and proposed by
the Marquis of Huntley, a well known sporting character from the county
of Surrey, and Mr. Alderman Whetman, of Lushington notoriety. The door
of the house was well guarded by the _posse comitatis_, armed with staves,
emblematical of the renowned city to which they belonged, and decorated
with the favors of the different candidates by whom they were employed,
or whose interest they espoused. The staves, instead of the crown, were
surmounted by quartern measures, and produced a most striking and novel
effect, as they appeared to be more reverenced and respected than that
gaudy bauble which is a representative of Royalty.

At the moment of our friends entrance, large bodies of voters were
brought up by canvassing parties from the surrounding habitations, with
colours flying, and were introduced in succession to poll; and as time
was fast escaping, every one was active in support of his favourite
candidate. All was bustle and anxiety, and Tom and Bob approached the
hustings with two chimney-sweepers, a hackney-coachman, and three light
bearers, alias link-carriers, from Covent Garden Theatre. Having polled
for Sir William Sims, who very politely returned thanks for ~~245~~~
the honour conferred on him, standing room was provided for them by the
inhabitants of Lunatic Ward, who it should seem, like others under the
influence of the moon, have their lucid intervals, and who upon this
occasion displayed a more than usual portion of sanity, mingled with
good humour and humanity.

In this quarter of the city, where our friends expected to find
distracted, or at least abstracted intellect, they were very pleasingly
disappointed at discovering they were associated with reasonable and
intelligent beings; although some of them, fatigued by their exertions
during the election, were so strongly attacked by Somnus, that
notwithstanding the bustle with which they were surrounded, they
occasionally dropped into the arms of the drowsy god, and accompanied
the proceedings with a snore, till again roused to light and life by
some more wakeful inhabitant.

At the appointed time, the high bailiff announced the election closed,
and after an examination of the votes, declared the choice to have
fallen on Sir William, a circumstance which drew forth a unanimous
burst of approbation, long, loud, and deep, which in a few moments being
communicated to those without. This was as cordially and as vociferously
answered by anxious and admiring crowds.

The influx of citizens, upon the event being known, to hear the speeches
of the different candidates, choaked up every avenue to the hustings,
and beggars all description; the inimitable pencil of a Hogarth could
hardly have done justice to the scene, and a Common Hall of the City of
London might be considered a common fool to it; every voter had a right,
established that right, and enjoyed it. Here stood the well-dressed
Corinthian in his bang-up toggery, alongside of a man in armour, one
of the Braziers Company, armed with a pot-lid and a spit, and decorated
with a jack-chain round his neck. There stood a controller of the prads,
a Jarvey, in close conversation with one of the lighters of the world,
with his torch in hand. A flue faker in one corner, was endeavouring
to explain a distinction between smoke and gas to a lamplighter, who
declared it as his opinion, "that the City of Lushington,--at all times
a luminous and deservedly revered City,--had had more light thrown upon
it that election, by the introduction of the link carriers, than it ever
had before; and likewise that his dissertation on smoke and gas was not
worth one puff from his pipe."