Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81

"How!" cried Tallyho!

"Why, as a fisherman, he is the Polyphemus of his time.

"His rod was made out of the strongest oak,
His line a cable which no storm e'er broke,
His hook was baited with a dragon's tail,
He sat upon a rock and bobb'd for a whale."

"Besides which," continued Dashall, "he is a great sailor; has a yacht
of his own, and generally accompanies

~~214~~~ Royalty on aquatic excursions. I remember a laughable
caricature, exhibiting the alderman in his own vessel, with a turtle
suspended on a pole, with the following lines, in imitation of
Black-eyed Susan, said to be written by Mr. Jekyll:--

"All in the Downs the fleet lay moor'd,
The streamers waving in the wind,
When Castlereagh appeared on board,
'Ah where shall I my Curtis find.
Tell me ye jovial sailors, tell me true,
Does my fat William sail among your crew.'"

He is a banker, a loan-monger, and a contractor, a member of Parliament,
and an orator; added to which, he may be said to be a man of wit
and humour--at all events he is the cause of it in others. His first
occupations have procured him great wealth, and his wit and humour great
fame.

"The worthy Alderman's hospitality to the late good humoured and
gossiping James Boswell, the humble follower and biographer of Dr.
Johnson, is well known; and it is probable that the pleasures of the
table, in which no man more joyously engaged, shortened his life. To
write the life of a great man is no easy task, and to write that of a
big one may be no less arduous. Whether the Alderman really expected to
be held up to future fame by the Biographer of Johnson, cannot be
very easily ascertained; however that wish and expectation, if it ever
existed, was completely frustrated by the death of poor Boswell.

"I recollect to have seen some lines of the worthy Alderman, on the
glorious victory of the Nile, which shew at once his patriotism, his
wit, and his resolution, in that he is not to be laughed out of the
memorable toast he once gave--

"Great Nelson, in the grandest stile,
Bore down upon the shores of Nile,
And there obtained a famous victory,
Which puzzled much the French Directory.
The impudence of them there fellows,
As all the newspapers do tell us,
Had put the grand Turk in a pet,
Which caus'd him send to Nelson an aigrette;
Likewise a grand pelisse, a noble boon--
Then let us hope--a speedy peace and soon."{1}

1 Whether the following lines are from the same hand or not,
we are unable to ascertain; at least they wear a great
similarity of character:

I give you the three glorious C's.

Our Church, Constitution, and King;
Then fill up three bumpers to three noble Vs.
Wine, Women, and Whale fish-ing.

~~215~~~ "Egad," said Bob, "if this be true, he appears to knock up
rhymes almost as well as he could bake biscuits" (smothering a laugh.)

"Why," replied Dashall, "I believe that it has not been positively
ascertained that these lines, which unlike other poetry, contain no
fiction, but plain and undeniable matter of fact, were wholly indicated
by the worthy Alderman; indeed it is not impossible but that his
worship's barber might have had a hand in their composition. It would
be hard indeed, if in his operations upon the Alderman's pericranium,
he should not have absorbed some of the effluvia of the wit and genius
contained therein; and in justice to this operator on his chin and
caput, I ought to give you a specimen which was produced by him upon the
election of his Lordship to the Mayoralty--

"Our present Mayor is William Curtis,
A man of weight and that your sort is."

"This epigrammatic distich, which cannot be said to be destitute of
point, upon being read at table, received, as it deserved, a large share
of commendation; and his Lordship declared to the company present, that
it had not taken his barber above three hours to produce it extempore."

Tallyho laughed heartily at these satirical touches upon the poor
Alderman.

"However," continued Tom, "a man with plenty of money can bear laughing
at, and sometimes laughs at himself, though I suspect he will hardly
laugh or produce a laugh in others, by what he stated in his seat in
the House of Commons, on the subject of the riots{1} at Knightsbridge.
I suspect his wit and good humour will hardly protect him in that
instance."

1 On a motion made by Mr. Favell in the Court of Common
Council, on the 21st of March, the following resolution was
passed, indicative of the opinion that Court entertained of
the conduct of Alderman Curtis on the occasion here alluded
to:

"That Sir William Curtis, Bart, having acknowledged in his
place in this Court, that a certain speech now read was
delivered by him in the House of Commons, in which, among
other matters which he stated respecting the late riot at
Knightsbridge, he said, 'That he had been anxious that a
Committee should investigate this question, because he
wished to let the world know the real character of this
Great Common Council, who were always meddling with matters
which they had nothing to do with, and which were far above
their wisdom and energy. It was from such principles they
had engaged in the recent inquiry, which he would contend
they had no right to enter upon. Not only was evidence
selected, but questions were put to draw such answers as the
party putting them desired.'

"That the conduct of Sir William Curtis, one of the repre-
sentatives of this City in Parliament, lias justly merited
the censure and indignation of this Court and of his fellow
Citizens."

~~216~~~ After taking a cursory look into the Chamberlain's Office, the
Court of King's Bench and Common Pleas, they took their departure from
Guildhall, very well satisfied with their morning's excursion.

It was between three and four o'clock when our friends left the Hall.
Tom Dashalt, being upon the qui vive, determined to give his Cousin a
chevy for the remainder of the day; and for this purpose, it being on
a Friday, he proposed a stroll among the Prad-sellers in Smithfield,
where, after partaking of a steak and a bottle at Dolly's, they
accordingly repaired.

"You will recollect," said Tom, "that you passed through Smithfield
(which is our principal cattle market) during the time of Bartholomew
Fair; but you will now find it in a situation so different, that you
would scarcely know it for the same place: you will now see it full
of horse-jockeys, publicans, pugilists, and lads upon the lark like
ourselves, who having no real business either in the purchase or sale of
the commodities of the market, are watching the manners and manouvres of
those who have."

As Tom was imparting this piece of information to his attentive Cousin,
they were entering Smithfield by the way of Giltspur-street, and were
met by a man having much the appearance of a drover, who by the dodging
movements of his stick directly before their eyes, inspired our friends
so strongly with the idea of some animal being behind them which they
could not see, and from which danger was to be apprehended, that they
suddenly broke from each other, and fled forward for safety, at which
a roar of laughter ensued from the byestanders, who ~~217~~~ perceiving
the hoax, recommended the dandies to take care they did not dirty their
boots, or get near the hoofs of the _prancing prads_, Tom was not much
disconcerted at this effort of practical jocularity, though his Cousin
seemed to have but little relish for it.

"Come along," said Tom, catching him by the arm, and impelling him
forward, "although this is not Bartholomew Fair time, you must consider
all fair at the horse-fair, unless you are willing to put up with a
horse-laugh."

Struggling through crowds who appeared to be buying, selling, or
bargaining for the lame, the broken winded, and spavined prads of
various sizes, prices, and pretensions,

"There is little difference," said Tom, "between this place as a market
for horses, and any similar mart in the kingdom,

Here the friend and the brother
Meet to humbug each other,

except that perhaps a little more refinement on the arts of gulling
may be found; and it is no very uncommon thing for a stolen nag to
be offered for sale in this market almost before the knowledge of his
absence is ascertained by the legal owner.--I have already given you
some information on the general character of horse-dealers during our
visit to Tattersal's; but every species of trick and low chicanery is
practised, of which numerous instances might be produced; and though I
admit good horses are sometimes to be purchased here, it requires a
man to be perfectly upon his guard as to who he deals with, and how he
deals, although the regulations of the market are, generally speaking,
good."

"I wouldn't have him at no price," said a costermonger, who it appeared
was bargaining for a donkey; "the h------y sulkey b------ von't budge,
he's not vorth a fig out of a horses------."

"I knows better as that 'are," cried a chimney-sweeper; "for no better
an't no vare to be had; he's long backed and strong legged. Here, Bill,
you get upon him, and give him rump steaks, and he'll run like the devil
a'ter a parson."

Here Bill, a little blear-eyed chimney-sweeper, mounted the poor animal,
and belaboured him most unmercifully, without producing any other effect
than kicking up behind, and most effectually placing poor Bill in the

~~218~~~ mud, to the great discomfiture of the donkey seller, and the
mirth of the spectators. The animal brayed, the byestanders laughed, and
the bargain, like poor Bill, was off.

After a complete turn round Smithfield, hearing occasionally the
chaffing of its visitants, and once or twice being nearly run over,
they took their departure from this scene of bustle, bargaining, and
confusion, taking their way down King-street, up Holborn Hill, and along
Great Queen-street.

"Now," said Tom, "we will have a look in at Covent Garden Theatre; the
Exile is produced there with great splendour. The piece is certainly got
up in a style of the utmost magnificence, and maintains its ground in
the theatre rather upon that score than its really interesting dialogue,
though some of the scenes are well worked up, and have powerful claims
upon approbation. The original has been altered, abridged, and (by some
termed) amended, in order to introduce a gorgeous coronation, a popular
species of entertainment lately."

Upon entering the theatre, Tallyho was almost riveted in attention
to the performance, and the latter scene closed upon him with all its
splendid pageantry before he discovered that his Cousin had given him
the slip, and a dashing cyprian of the first order was seated at his
elbow, with whom entering into a conversation, the minutes were not
measured till Dashall's return, who perceiving he was engaged, appeared
inclined to retire, and leave the cooing couple to their apparently
agreeable tete-a-tete. Bob, however, observing him, immediately wished
his fair incognita good night, and joined his Cousin.

"D------d dull," said Tom,--"all weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable."

"But very grand," rejoined Bob.

"I have found nothing to look at," replied Tom; "I have hunted every
part of the House, and only seen two persons I know."

"And I," said Tallyho, "have been all the while looking at the piece."

"Which piece do you mean, the one beside you, or the one before you?"

"The performance--The Coronation."

"I have had so much of that," said Tom, "that finding you so close in
attention to the stage, that I could get no ~~219~~~ opportunity of
speaking to you, I have been hunting for other game, and have almost
wearied myself in the pursuit without success; so that I am for quitting
the premises, and making a call at a once celebrated place near at hand,
which used to be called the Finish. Come along, therefore, unless you
have 'mettle more attractive;' perhaps you have some engagements?"

"None upon earth to supersede the one I have with you," was the reply.
Upon which they left the House, and soon found themselves in Covent
Garden Market. "This," said Tom, "has been the spot of many larks and
sprees of almost all descriptions, ana election wit has been as cheap
in the market as any of the vegetables of the venders; but I am going
to take you to a small house that has in former times been the resort of
the greatest wits of the age. Sheridan, Fox, and others of their time,
have not disdained to be its inmates, nor is it now deserted by the
votaries of genius, though considerably altered, and conducted in
a different manner: it still, however, affords much amusement and
accommodation. It was formerly well known by the appellation of the
_Finish_, and was not opened till a late hour in the night, and, as at
the present moment, is generally shut up between 11 and 12 o'clock,
and re-opened for the accommodation of the market people at 4 in the
morning. The most respectable persons resident in the neighbourhood
assemble to refresh themselves after the labours of the day with a glass
of ale, spirits, or wine, as they draw no porter. The landlord is a
pleasant fellow enough, and there is a pretty neat dressing young lass
in the bar, whom I believe to be his sister--this is the house."

"House," said Bob, "why this is a deviation from the customary buildings
of London; it appears to have no up stairs rooms."

"Never mind that," continued Dashall, "there is room enough for us, I
dare say; and after your visit to the Woolpack, I suppose you can stand
smoke, if you can't stand fire."

By this time they had entered the Carpenter's Arms, when turning short
round the bar, they found themselves in a small room, pretty well filled
with company, enjoying their glasses, and puffing their pipes: in the
right hand corner sat an undertaker, who having just obtained a victory
over his opposite neighbour, was humming a stave ~~220~~~ to himself
indicative of his satisfaction at the result of the contest, which it
afterwards appeared was for two mighty's;{1} while his opponent was
shrugging up his shoulders with a feeling of a very different kind.

"It's of no use," said Jemmy,{2} as they called him, "for you to enter
the lists along with me, for you know very well I must have you at
last."

"And no doubt it will prove a good fit," said an elderly shoemaker
of respectable appearance, who seemed to command the reverence of the
company, "for all of us are subject to the _pinch_."

"There's no certainty of his assertion, however," replied the
unsuccessful opponent of Jemmy.

"Surely not,"{3} said another most emphatically, taking a pinch of
snuff, and offering it to the shoemaker; "for you know Jemmy may come to
the finch before John."

1 "Mighty."--This high sounding title has recently been
given to a full glass of ale,--the usual quantity of what is
termed a glass being half a pint, generally supplied in a
large glass which would hold more--and which when filled is
consequently subjected to an additional charge.

2 To those who are in the habit of frequenting the house,
this gentleman will immediately be known, as he usually
smokes his pipe there of an afternoon and evening.

"With his friend and his pipe puffing sorrow away, And with
honest old stingo still soaking his clay."

With a certain demonstration before him of the mortality of
human life, he deposits the bodies of his friends and
neighbours in the earth, and buries the recollection of them
in a cloud, determined, it should seem, to verify the words
of the song, that

"The right end of life is to live and be jolly."

His countenance and manners seldom fail to excite
risibility, not-withstanding the solemnity of his calling,
and there can be little doubt but he is the finisher of
many, after the Finish; he is, however, generally good
humoured, communicative, and facetious, and seldom refuses
to see any person in company for a mighty, usually
concluding the result with a mirthful ditty, or a doleful
countenance, according to the situation in which he is left
as a winner or a loser; and in either case accompanied with
a brightness of visage, or a dull dismal countenance,
indicative of the event, which sets description at defiance,
and can only be judged of by being seen.

3 "Surely not," are words in such constant use by one
gentleman who is frequently to be met in this room, that the
character alluded to can scarcely be mistaken: he is partial
to a pinch of snuff, but seldom carries a box of his own. He
is a resident in the neighbour-hood, up to snuff, and
probably, like other men, sometimes snuffy; this, however,
without disparagement to his general character, which is
that of a respectable tradesman. He is fond of a lark, a
bit of gig, and an argument; has a partiality for good
living, a man of feeling, and a dealer in felt, who wishes
every one to wear the cap that fits him.

~~221~~~ "Never mind," continued Jemmy, "I take my chance in this life,
and sing _toll de roll loll_."

By this time our friends, being supplied with mighties, joined in the
laugh which was going round at the witty sallies of the speakers.

"It is possible I may go first," said the undertaker, resuming his pipe;
"and if I should, I can't help it."

"Surely not,--but I tell you what, Jemmy, if you are not afraid, I'll
see you for two more mighties before I go, and I summons you to shew
cause."

"D------n your summons,"{1} cried the former unsuccessful opponent of
the risible undertaker, who at the word summons burst into a hearty
laugh, in which he was immediately joined by all but the last speaker.

"The summons is a sore place," said Jemmy.

"Surely not. I did not speak to him, I spoke to you, Sir; and I have a
right to express myself as I please: if that gentleman has an antipathy
to a summons, am I to be tongue-tied? Although he may sport with
sovereigns, he must be accountable to plebeians; and if I summons you to
shew cause, I see no reason why he should interrupt our conversation."

1 "D-----n your summons." This, as one of the company
afterwards remarked, was a sore place, and uttered at a
moment when the irritation was strong on the affected part.
The speaker is a well known extensive dealer in the pottery,
Staffordshire, and glass line, who a short time since in a
playful humour caught a sovereign, tossed up by another
frequenter of the room, and passed it to a third. The
original possessor sought restitution from the person who
took the sovereign from his hand, but was referred to the
actual possessor, but refused to make the application. The
return of the money was formally demanded of the man of
porcelain, pitchers, and pipkins, without avail. In this
state of things the loser obtained a summons against the
taker, and the result, as might be expected, was compulsion
to restore the lost sovereign to the loving subject,
together with the payment of the customary expenses, a
circumstance which had the effect of causing great anger in
the mind of the dealer in brittle wares. Whether he broke
any of the valuable articles in his warehouse in consequence
has not been ascertained, but it appears for a time to have
broken a friendship between the parties concerned: such
breaches, however, are perhaps easier healed than broken or
cracked crockery.

~~222~~~ "Surely not," was reverberated round the room, accompanied with
a general laugh against the interrupter, who seizing the paper, appeared
to read without noticing what was passing.

The company was now interrupted by the entrance of several strangers,
and our two friends departed on their return homeward for the evening.

CHAPTER XVII

"Roam where you will, o'er London's wide domains,
The mind new source of various feeling gains;
Explore the giddy town, its squares, its streets,
The 'wildered eye still fresh attraction greets;
Here spires and towers in countless numbers rise,
And lift their lofty summits to the skies;
Wilt thou ascend? then cast thine eyes below,
And view the motley groupes of joy and woe:
Lo! they whom Heaven with affluence hath blest,
Scowl with cold contumely on those distrest;
And Pleasure's maze the wealthy caitiffs thread,
While care-worn Merit asks in vain for bread;
Yet short their weal or woe, a general doom
On all awaits,--oblivion in the tomb!"

~~223~~~ Our heros next morning determined on a visit to their
Hibernian friend and his aunt, whom they found had not yet forgot the
entertainment at the Mansion-house, and which still continued to be the
favorite topic of conversation. Sir Felix expressed his satisfaction
that the worthy Citizens of London retained with increasing splendor
their long established renown of pre-eminent distinction in the art of
good living.

"And let us hope," said Dashall, "that they will not at any future
period be reduced to the lamentable necessity of restraining the
progress of epicurism, as in the year 1543, when the Lord Mayor and
Common Council enacted a sumptuary law to prevent luxurious eating; by
which it was ordered, that the Mayor should confine himself to seven,
Aldermen and Sheriffs to six, and the Sword-bearer to four dishes
at dinner or supper, under the penalty of forty shillings for each
supernumerary dish!"

"A law," rejoined the Baronet, "which voluptuaries of the present
times would find more difficult of observance than any enjoined by the
decalogue."

The Squire suggested the expediency of a similar enactment, with a
view to productive results; for were the ~~224~~~ wealthy citizens (he
observed) prohibited the indulgence of luxurious eating, under certain
penalties, the produce would be highly beneficial to the civic treasury.

The Fine Arts claiming a priority of notice, the party determined on
visiting a few of the private and public Exhibitions.

London is now much and deservedly distinguished for the cultivation of
the fine arts. The commotions on the continent operated as a hurricane
on the productions of

genius, and the finest works of ancient and modern times ave been
removed from their old situations to the asylum afforded by the wooden
walls of Britain. Many of them have, therefore, been consigned to this
country, and are now in the collections of our nobility and gentry,
chiefly in and about the metropolis.

Although France may possess the greatest number of the larger works of
the old masters, yet England undoubtedly possesses the greatest portion
of their first-rate productions, which is accounted for by the great
painters exerting all their talents on such pictures as were not too
large to be actually painted by their own hands, while in their larger
works they resorted to inferior assistance. Pictures, therefore, of this
kind, being extremely valuable, and at the same time portable, England,
during the convulsions on the Continent, was the only place where such
paintings could obtain a commensurate price. Such is the wealth of
individuals in this country, that some of these pictures now described,
belonging to private collections, were purchased at the great prices of
ten and twelve thousand guineas each.

Amongst the many private collections of pictures, statues, &c. in
the metropolis, that of the Marquis of Stafford, called the Cleveland
Gallery, is the most prominent, being the finest collection of the old
masters in England, and was principally selected from the works that
formerly composed the celebrated Orleans Gallery, and others, which at
the commencement of the French revolution were brought to this country.
Thither, then, our tourists directed their progress, and through the
mediation of Dashall access was obtained without difficulty.

The party derived much pleasure in the inspection of this collection,
which contains two or three fine pictures of Raphael, several by Titian
and the Caracas, some ~~225~~~ capital productions of the Dutch and
Flemish schools, and some admirable productions of the English school,
particularly two by Wilson, one by Turner, and one by Vobson, amounting,
in the whole, to 300 first-rate pictures by the first masters, admirably
distributed in the new gallery, the drawing-room, the Poussin room
(containing eight chef d'oeuvres of that painter), the passage-room,
dining-room, old anti-room, old gallery, and small room. The noble
proprietor has liberally appropriated one day in the week for the public
to view these pictures. The curiosity of.the visitors being now
amply gratified, they retired, Sir Felix much pleased with the polite
attention of the domestic who conducted them through the different
apartments, to whom Miss Macgilligan offered a gratuity, but the
acceptance of which was, with courteous acknowledgments, declined.