Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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Mr. Adolphus, in an able and ingenious address to the Jury,
contended that the indictment must fail, inasmuch as the
evidence did not satisfy the allegation in the indictment,
that the defendant had sold the body for lucre and gain. Now
there was no proof whatever that it had been sold, which
might have easily been made out, if the fact was so, by
summoning Mr. Brooks, the anatomist. The real fact was, that
the body had been stolen by other persons from the
defendant's house, and the defendant had been driven to the
miserable shifts proved in evidence, in order to conceal the
misfortune, and prevent the loss of his lucrative situation
in the gaol.

No witnesses to facts were called for the defendant; but
several persons gave him a good character for honesty and
industry.

The Jury, under the learned Judge's directions, found the
defendant Guilty.

~192~~ The Squire having perused this appalling account of human
depravity, expressed himself in energetic terms of indignation against
the miscreant, who to the acute miseries of maternal affliction at
the premature loss of a son, and by such a death! could add the bitter
anguish of consigning his cold remains, unseen by any earthly spirit of
sympathy, to the knife of the dissector, in breach of every law moral
and divine! In the warmth of his kindly feelings, the Squire would have
uttered a curse, had he not been prevented by the entrance of his
old friend, Sir Felix O'Grady. The two friends received their quondam
acquaintance with much cordiality. "Cuish la mevchree! exclaimed the
Baronet, shaking heartily the hands of Tom and Bob; "and how have
you done these many long days past?"--This inquiry having been
satisfactorily answered, Sir Felix explained the object of his
visit:--"Aunts of all sorts, or any sort, or no sort at all at all,"
said he, "are cursed bad things, sure enough; as somebody in the play
says."

This abrupt commencement excited the risible feelings of Dashall and his
Cousin, which were further stimulated by Sir Felix seriously appealing
to their commiseration, under the pressure of misfortune,--"for this
same respectable maiden lady, Mrs. Judith Macgilligan, my venerable aunt
as aforesaid, has recently imported her antiquated piece of virginity
from her native mountains near Belfast, and having had my address
pat enough, the worse luck, the sowl, with an affected anxiety for my
welfare, must take up her residence, while in town, in the same house
with her dutiful nephew, that she may have the opportunity of watching
over him in his erratic pursuits, as she says, with maternal solicitude;
that is, in other words, to spy into all my actions, and bore me
everlastingly with her intolerable company. It was but the blessed
morning of yesterday that she took a fancy to exhibit her beautiful
person at the lounge in Bond-street;--by-the-bye, this same paragon of
perfection has passed her grand climacteric, being on the wrong side
of sixty;--is as thin as a lath and as tall as a May-pole;--speaks an
indescribable language of the mongrel kind, between Irish and Scotch, of
which she is profuse to admiration; and forgetting the antiquity of her
person, prides herself on the antiquity of her ancestry so much, that
she is said to bear a strong resemblance to her grandmother, judging
from the full-length portrait (painted seventy years ago,) of that
worthy progenitor of our family, who was a descendent, lineally,
from O'Brien king of Ulster, that she copies her dress on all public
occasions, to the great amusement and edification of the spectators; and
in these venerable habiliments she promenaded Bond-street, hanging on my
arm;--by the Powers, till I felt ashamed of my precious charge, for all
the world was abroad, and my reverend aunt was the universal magnet of
attraction."

"Well, and you find yourself comfortable," said Dashall,--"we have all
of us foibles, and why expect your aunt to be exempted from them?--Have
you any thing in expectance,--is she rich?"

~193~~ "Twenty thousand pounds, twice told," replied Sir Felix,
"sterling money of Great Britain, in which I have a reversionary
interest."

"Why then," said Tallyho, "you cannot do better than contribute all in
your power to her ease and pleasure; and in exercising this commendable
duty, you will gain present satisfaction, and may justly anticipate
future benefit."

"And," added Dashall, "if my Cousin or myself can by any means further
your object, in contributing towards the full attainment of your aunt's
amusement while she remains in town, you may command our services."

"By the powers of fortune," exclaimed the Baronet, "you have just given
me the opportunity I was wishing for; that is, I had a favour to ask,
but which I could not find courage enough to do, notwithstanding my
native assurance, until now. You must know, then, that on Easter Monday,
the illustrious Judith Macgilligan, descendant lineally from O'Brien
king of Ulster, means to honour the Civic entertainment with her sublime
presence, and grace the Ball at the Mansion-house in a dress resembling
that of her grandmother the princess, worn seventy years ago. Now, my
dear friends, having pledged yourselves to contribute all in your power
towards the pleasure of my venerable aunt, which of you will be her
partner for the evening?"

The pause of a moment was succeeded by a hearty laugh; Tallyho had
no objections to the hand, as a partner at the ball, of Miss Judith
Macgilligan, even should she choose to array herself after the manner
of the princess her grandmother. But Dashall observing that as no masque
balls were given at the Mansion-house, it would be necessary that Miss
Macgilligan should forego her intention of appearing otherwise than
in modern costume. Sir Felix undertook to arrange this point with
his relative, and in the name and on behalf of Squire Tallyho, of
Belville-hall, to engage the distinguished honour of her hand at
the ensuing Mansion-house Ball. This important affair having been
satisfactorily adjusted, it was proposed by Dashall that, as his Cousin
and the Baronet had neither of them ever been present at the Epping Hunt
on Easter Monday, they should form themselves into a triumvirate for the
purpose of enjoying that pleasure on the morrow. The Squire having in
town ~194~~ two hunters from his own stud, embraced the proposition with
the avidity of a true sportsman, and Sir Felix declining the offer of
one of these fleet-footed coursers, it was agreed they should be under
the guidance of Tom and Bob, and that Sir Felix should accompany them,
mounted on his own sober gelding, early in the morning, to the field of
Nimrod, from which they purposed to return to town in sufficient time to
witness other holiday sports, before dressing for the entertainment at
the Mansion-house.

These preliminaries settled, and Sir Felix agreeing to take a pot-luck
dinner with his two friends, the trio resolved on a morning lounge
of observation, and sallying forth, took their way along Piccadilly
accordingly.

Although it was Sunday morning, this street presented, with the
exception of the shops being closed, nearly the same appearance of
bustle as on any other day; the number of pedestrians was not apparently
less, and of equestrians and carriage-occupants, an increase; the two
latter description of the ton, actually or would-be, passing onwards to
the general Sunday rendezvous, Hyde-Park, where Real Life in London is
amusingly diversified; and where may be seen frequently, amongst
the promiscuous promenaders of the Mall, a prince of the blood-royal
undistinguishable by external ornament from any of the most humble in
the moving panorama; while an endless succession of carriages, in which
are seated, what England beyond any other country may proudly boast of,
some of the most beautiful women in the world, present the observer
with an enlivening theme of admiration; and, together with the mounted
exhibiters, from the man of fashion on the "pampered, prancing steed,"
to the youth of hebdomadary emancipation on "the hacked Bucephalus of
Rotten Row," form an assemblage at once ludicrous and interesting.

Having circumambulated the "Ring," our triumvirate returned by the gate
in Piccadilly, and crossing from thence to Constitution-hill, Dashall
pointed out to his companions the seat, as now fixed upon (on the
summit of the Green Park) of a Military Pillar, intended to be raised
in commemoration of the many victories achieved by British valour in the
last war. "This plan, if properly carried into effect by the erection
(said Dashall) of a column equal in splendor of execution ~195~~ with
the glory it is meant to record, will be the greatest ornament of the
metropolis."

"If again," added the Squire, "it does not prove like some other recent
projections, a Castle in the air!"{1}

1 Tallyho probably alludes to the long meditated Monument in
memory of the late Princess Charlotte, towards the memory of
which a very large sum of money was raised by public
subscription.

Without any other occurrence worthy of remark, the perambulators reached
home, and enjoyed the comfortable quietude of an excellent domestic
dinner, without interruption. Every arrangement having been made for the
amusements of next day, the party broke up, Sir Felix returning to
his lodgings, to gladden the heart of Miss Judith Macgilligan with the
anticipation of conquest; and Dashall and Tallyho retiring to early
repose, that they might encounter the business of the morning with
recruited renovation.--Next day

The feathered songster chanticleer
Had wound his bugle horn,
And told the early villager
The coming of the morn;--

When the Baronet made his appearance "on a milk-white steed," before the
mansion of Dashall. In a few moments the friendly trio were assembled in
the breakfast-parlour, and partook of a hasty repast while the coursers
from the Belville-stud, destined to perform a prominent part in the
forthcoming adventures of the day, were getting in readiness. The
preparations were soon completed,--the hunters, two noble animals, were
brought to the door,

Each "with neck like a rainbow, erecting his crest,
Paniper'd, prancing and pleas'd, his head touching his breast."
"Saddle White Surrey for the field to-morrow,"

was the order of Richard," said the Baronet; "but had he been in
possession of such a horse as either of these, 'White Surrey' might have
gone to the devil."

"I'll warrant them both, sound, wind and limb, and gentle to boot,"
said the Squire,--"Come then, if you wish to be well-mounted, and would
really look like a "baron bold," seat yourself fearlessly on either,
and bear yourself through the streets of London with the dignity ~196~~
befitting a true, magnanimous and puissant knight of Munster!"--This
address had the desired effect,--it implied a doubt of the Baronet's
courage, and he seated himself on the "gallant steed" immediately.--Tom
and Bob at same time betook themselves, the former to the other "high
mettled racer," and the latter to the unassuming rejected Rosinante
of Sir Felix. A trifling delay, however, occurred; the stirrups of
the Baronet's charger were too short, and he alighted while the groom
repaired the defect.

Now see him mounted once again
Upon his nimble steed;
Full slowly pacing o'er the stones,
With caution and good heed.

Whether, like the Calenderer's horse under the its guidance of the
celebrated John Gilpin, the disdainful steed now in the management of
Sir Felix, "wondered what thing he'd got upon his back," we are not
competent to decide; but he certainly in his progress "o'er the
stones" manifested frequent impatience of restraint. These symptoms
of contumaciousness were nevertheless borne by the Baronet without
complaint,--

Till finding soon a smoother road
Beneath its well-shod feet,
The snorting beast began to trot,
Which galled him in his seat.

And, as if intuitively knowing the incapacity of his rider to restrain
him, and despising curb and rein, the indignant animal set off at full
speed, to the great dismay of Dashall and the Squire, who putting their
horses to the pith of their mettle, hurried after their friend with the
utmost solicitude. Luckily, however, the career of the spirited animal
was impeded, and finally stopped, by the frequent interposition of the
passengers on the road, and the Baronet was safely set down, ready to
exclaim with Hawser Trunnion, "If ever I get astride the back of
such another harum scarum son of a bitch again, my name is not Felix
O'Grady."

[Illustration: page196 Easter Hunt]

The pursuers speedily rejoined the pursued, and felt happy in the
knowledge of his welfare. The abashment of the baronet, occasioned
by this untoward adventure, soon gave way to his characteristic
good-humour; and ~197~~ having resigned all further government of
the Squire's unruly quadruped, and resumed possession of his own, the
triumvirate proceeded towards the place of destination.

In the meanwhile, the city horsemen arose with Phoebus, to mount their
rosinantes, to be present at the enlargement of the stag, and were
roused from their slumbers according to order by the watchmen. The
motley group, that was early in the field, furnished a capital subject
for the caricaturist. Carts, horses, lame mares, and refractory donkies,
with their grotesque riders, covered the field, together with dandies in
chaises, and the lassies from St. Giles's, Chick-lane, Wapping, and
St. Catherine's, in market carts, with their sweet-hearts, considerably
swelled the number of the hunters. The stag was decorated with bunches
of ribbons, and seemed when enlarged much more frightened at the
appearance of the Londoners, than at the hounds, his natural enemies.
When the chase commenced, never was witnessed such a scene of confusion
and disorder. Upset carts, and unhorsed huntsmen, were seen in all
directions. The stag went off in good style, and out of hundreds of
horsemen, not above a dozen were able to keep their seats, but a number
of fellows were on the lurk to take care of the stray horses.

After a cursory glance at the variegated and boisterous assemblage,
the stag bounded forward with the velocity of lightning, amidst the
astounding shouts of the multitude, and was instantly followed by his
biped and quadruped foes of indescribable diversity, from the amateur
of the turf on his spirited and well caparisoned steed, to the spavined
gelding, bearing its cockney rider, and numerous other _annual_
equestrians, preceded by every description of the canine race, from
the high bred beagle to the "cur of low degree." All was tumultuous
dissonance, and confusion worse confounded. Tallyho enjoyed the scene
to the very acme of delight, and giving the reins to his experienced
courser, high in blood, and eager for accustomed exercise, the noble
animal accompanied by its companion under the guidance of Dashall,
started off with unrivalled celerity, and in a few moments set all
competition at defiance. Sir Felix, in an attempt to follow his friends,
leaped a fence, but gaining the opposite side, horse and rider came
to the ground: fortunately neither of them sustained any injury.--Sir
Felix, ~198~~ however, on regaining his footing, found that his horse,
which had gone forward, was in possession of a stranger, who losing
his own, had availed himself of this opportunity of remounting, and now
pursued his way bare-headed; for the wind had uncourteously uncovered
his pericranium, and he abandoned his castor to its fate rather than
by stopping to pick it up, risque the restitution of his prize, and
the wrath of the baronet, who stood spell-bound against the fence,
vociferously demanding his gelding, and extending his arm in reiterated
denunciation of vengeance. The unceremonious intruder turning round on
the saddle, without slackening his career.--" Bide you where you are,
my fine fellow," he provokingly exclaimed, "until the chase is over, and
your gelding shall then be forthcoming." If the sense of misfortune is
alleviated by seeing it participated by others, the baronet had ample
fund of consolation, for numbers around him were involved in similar
calamity. He profited too, by an admirable lesson of patience under
disaster. On the right of his runaway gelding, and its rider, he
perceived a dismounted horseman, quietly submitting to adversity, by
seating himself on a bank, while his unburthened steed pursued the chase
with unabating celerity, leaving its owner to wait, at leisure, its
return. Two cockney equestrians now approached, at full speed, the
fence where Sir Felix still stood, in the attitude of remonstrance and
irritation; and attempting the leap, one, like the baronet, gained the
opposite side, but with a less successful result; for the rider was
pitched over with some violence, with his heels aloft in the air, as if
about to perambulate the field on his hands, while his horse came to the
ground on its face and knees, suspended by its hind legs from the upper
bar of the fence, and vainly essaying at extrication. The other cockney
sportsman was similarly situated: his horse had not cleared the fence,
neither had the rider, although he had reached the neck of his rosinante
in his progress to the opposite side; in this position he assumed a
permanent aspect, for his horse rested with his fore-legs over the
fence, and seemed incapable of either retrograding or proceeding. These
lessons taught the baronet resignation in mishap; the result of which
was the return, in about an hour, of his friends Tom and Bob, to his
great comfort, which was further increased by their bringing with them
his gelding, having recognized the animal ~199~~ in the possession of a
stranger, who, on their claiming it as belonging to Sir Felix O'Grady,
very readily gave it up, saying, that the baronet had not forgot in the
midst of his threats, frequently to announce his name, and hoping that
he would excuse him for having resorted to the privilege which every
person claims on this day, of taking care of the stray horses. The party
now fully satisfied with the humours and disasters of the Easter Hunt,
turned their steeds homewards, and journeying unimpeded, notwithstanding
the throng of the road, they quickly gained town, without the occurrence
of any other memorable incident.

Having reached the mansion of Dashall, Sir Felix acquainted Tallyho with
the success of his mission respecting the hand, as a partner, at the
Mansion-house Ball, of the august descendant of the Kings of Ulster,
the sage and venerable Miss Judith Macgilligan. "O, the beautiful
_illustrissimo_! the sweet crature" exclaimed the baronet, "with
commendable care of her virgin purity, and fair unsullied fame, is
tenacious of etiquette, and insists that she shall be asked with all due
form and respect, (after I have introduced your Squireship to the honour
of her notice) at the Mansion-house. By my conscience, I believe she is
in love with your character, and no doubt will prove desperately so with
your person. Faith and troth now, she is both too young and too old for
matrimony; too young, because she may live to torment you these twenty
years to come, which is a penance no sprightly lad should voluntarily
undergo for all her fortune; and too old, being in all respects
disqualified by age, for the important object of marriage, which was
instituted for the procreation of children."

"My dear sir," rejoined the Squire, "immaculate may the lady remain in
her person and property, I have no views on either."

"By the powers of charity retract that 'stern decree,'" exclaimed the
baronet, "would you break the heart of the love-sick nymph, by chilling
indifference to the potency of her charms and the magnitude of her
fortune? However, all joking apart, my good friends, will you do my aunt
and your humble servant the honour of calling at our lodgings; we shall
wait your coming and proceed together to the civic entertainment?" This
was agreed to;--the baronet retired, and the two cousins having the best
part of the day still before them, set out on a stroll to Tothill-fields
Fair, with the view of ascertaining Real Life in Westminster, amongst
the middle and lower orders of its extensive population.

~200~~ Crossing St. James's Park, our two observers soon reached the
scene of jollity. Here, as in all the fairs held in London, and its
vicinity, was a vast assemblage of idlers, including both sexes and all
ages. "They talk of the severity of the times," said Dashall, "and the
distress of the lower orders of society; I cannot say, however, that I
have witnessed any semblance of distress or privation amongst such in
this metropolis to the extent represented,1 in the whole course of my
observation. These fairs, for instance, more properly marts of iniquity,
are crammed to excess; and in pursuit of low enjoyment there appears no
deficiency of pecuniary means. In all these resorts of dissipation,
not only the shows are filled with spectators, but the booths and
neighbouring public-houses are crowded with male and female revellers."

The Squire acquiesced in the correctness of his friend's remark, and
both coincided in opinion that the regular daily public places of
amusement in the metropolis afford ample opportunity for rational
recreation, independent of the continuance of fairs, which have no other
tendency than facilitating the progress of licentiousness.

Dashall observed, that on the present occasion, in the midst of so much
alleged distress,-the booths and shows of Tothill-fields Fair were
much more extensive than in former years. "We must, however," said he,
"although the evil continues, do the Magistrates the justice to say
that they have acted meritoriously in preventing the erection of those
dangerous machines named round-abouts, by which, at former fairs, many
serious accidents were occasioned."

[Illustration: page200 Donkey Cart Race]

While Ton and Bob were quizzing the costermongers and the Venuses,
they in their turn were queered out of their wipes; thus another
cogent argument was afforded as to the necessity of suppressing these
nuisances, as being the rendezvous of infamy, and the harvest of
depredation. The visitors appeared in all their glory, as elegant
and boisterous as usual; the consumption of gin and gingerbread was
apparently prodigious, and the great luxury amongst the fashionables was
fried sausages and the bolting of oysters with sugar for wagers. Having
lost their wipes, the two friends resolved at least to save ~201~~ their
tattlers; and having seen a sufficiency of Westminster jollification,
they left the fair to those visitors who might better appreciate its
enjoyment.

Returning home, they were not encountered by farther mischance, and
having shortly reached their destination, and dressed for the evening
gala, a chariot was ordered, and they were set down at the lodgings of
Sir Felix O'Grady.

The baronet introduced his two friends to his aunt, with much affected
form, and with an arch leer of expression, which, on an occasion of
minor import, would have excited the risibility of Bob, but this was no
laughing affair; the presentation therefore was conducted with all due
solemnity, and Miss Judith Macgilligan received him with a maidenish
diffidence and complacency, yet with the dignity becoming a descendant
of O'Brien, King of Ulster.

Having partaken of a slight repast, the party drove off, in the lady's
temporary vehicle, and rattling rapidly along the streets, were in a
very short time arrived at the Mansion-house. The company was select and
elegant; the ladies particularly, might vie in splendour of ornament and
fascination of personal charms, with first rate beauties of the west;
and what gave the entertainment a superior zest above every other
consideration, was the condescending affability of the Civic Queen, who
received her numerous and delighted guests with a truly hospitable, yet
dignified politeness; nor was there any deficiency on the part of her
lord; all that the most excellent arrangements and the most minute
attention could accomplish was done, to the entire gratification and
comfort of the company.{1}

1 Easter Amusements.--Mansion-house. The customary Easter
Civic Dinner and Ball were given at the Mansion-house. A
material alteration was effected in the entertainment upon
this occasion, by considerably abridging the number of
cards, which it was the practice hitherto to issue. The Lady
Mayoress received the company before dinner in the ball
room; in dis-charging which office her ladyship displayed
much ease and elegance of manner. The company adjourned to
the Egyptian Hall to dinner, at about half-past six o'clock.
They consisted of Lord Viscount Sidmouth, the Earl of
Shaftesbury, Mr. Peel, and some other members of the
Ministry, the Lords Bishop of London and Landaff, and other
church dignitaries; the Lords Chief Justices of England, and
the Court of Common Pleas; the Vice Chancellor, several of
the diplomatic corps, as well as the leading Members of the
Senate and the Army, and other gentlemen of distinction, her
Grace the Duchess of Rutland, and several ladies of rank, in
all about three hundred and fifty individuals of both sexes.
There were five tables laid out in the hall, which from
being prettily ornamented with festoons of flowers attached
to pillars along the centre of each, had an extremely
picturesque appearance upon entering the room. After dinner
the usual toasts were drank, and the respective parties
present returned thanks. Messrs. Pyne, Broadhurst, and other
professional gentle-men, sung several songs and glees in
their happiest style. At a little after nine o'clock the
Lady Mayoress and the ladies with-drew, and the gentlemen
shortly afterwards rejoined them in the ball-room.