Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"And now to serious business we'll advance, says one of the King's of
Brentford.

"But first let's have a dance."

The present party followed exactly Mr. Baye's proposition; the dance and
the row over, they now proceeded to serious business.

Seated in various groups, each engaged itself in conversation, which,
from its almost inaudible expression, was singularly contrasted with the
recent tumultuous uproar.

The next box where sat our two friends, was occupied by cracksmen and
fogle-hunters, one of whom, whose superior skill gave him an ascendancy
over his associates, had delineated on the table the plan of certain
premises, and having given in a very low tone of voice, a verbal
illustration to his fellow-labourers, with what intention it is not
difficult to conjecture, observed, "We may as well _pad_ (walk) it, as
_Sir Oliver_ (the moon) is not out to night."

~181~~ The party to whom this remark was addressed, prepared to pad it
accordingly,--when the desired egress was opposed by the entrance of
three men, who unbuttoning their great coats, exhibited, each a hanger
and brace of pistols, and took the whole community, male and female,
into safe custody

This was a _coup-de-main_ on the part of the captors, and sustained with
the most perfect _sang froid_ by the captured.

The officers next turned their attention to Dashall and Tallyho, who
giving their cards, and candidly explaining the motives which led them
into the temporary society of the prisoners, they were treated with
becoming respect, the officers with their captives proceeding on
their route to Bow Street, and our heros to the occurrence of future
adventure.

Tallyho congratulated himself on his escape from expected mortification
and inconvenience, but Dashall, whose more active and enterprizing mind
was not to be checked by trifles, enjoyed the vague apprehensions of his
friend, and by way of making amends for the penance they had inflicted
on themselves in Shire Lane, agreed to dine and finish the evening at a
Tavern in Covent Garden.

Thither, then, as they pursued their course, the Squire expressed his
surprise that a final stop was not put to scenes such as they had just
witnessed, and all such places of nefarious rendezvous, abolished by the
vigilance of the police.

"On the contrary," observed Dashall, "it is the interest of the
police, not utterly to destroy these receptacles of vice. They are
the toleration haunts of profligacy, where the officers of justice
are generally assured of meeting the objects of their inquiry, and
therefore, under proper restrictions, and an occasional clearance,
the continuance of a minor evil is productive of public benefit, by
arresting the progress of infamy, and preventing the extension of
crime."

Passing along the Strand, the humane feelings of the Squire were excited
by apparently a mutilated veteran seaman, who in a piteous tone of
voice, supplicated his charitable consideration. The applicant stated,
that he had lost an arm and an eye, and was deprived the use of a leg,
in the service of his country, without friend or home, and entirely
destitute of the means of subsistence, that he had no other resource
than that of a humble reliance on public benevolence. The Squire with
his usual philanthropic promptitude drew out his purse, but his ~182~~
friend intercepted the boon, and inquired of the seaman under whom, in
what ship, and in what action he had sustained his misfortunes. To these
questions a satisfactory answer was given, and the claim of the man to
compassion and relief was about to be admitted, when another inquiry
occurred, "are you a pensioner?"

A pause ensued: in the interim the mendicant seeing a person approach,
of whose recognition he was not at all ambitious, dropped in a moment
his timber toe, unslung his arm, dashed a patch from his eye, and set
off with the speed of a race-horse.

During the amazement of our two observers of Real Life, excited by this
sudden and unexpected transformation, the officer, for such was the
quondam acquaintance of the imposter, introduced himself to their
notice. "Gentlemen," said he, "you are not up to the tricks of London,
that fellow on whom you were about to bestow your charity, and who has
just now exhibited his agility, is one of the greatest imposters in
London;--however, I shall not run him down at present.--I know his
haunts, and reckon sure of my game in the evening."

"I confess," replied Dashall, "that in the present instance I have
been egregiously deceived;--I certainly am not up to all the tricks of
London, although neither a Johnny Raw nor a green-horn; and yet I would
not wish to prove callous to the claim of distress, even if sometimes
unguardedly bestowing the mite of benevolence on an undeserving object."

"The Society for the Suppression of Mendicity in the Metropolis," said
the Officer, "think differently, they recommend that no relief should be
given to street-beggars."

"Then," said Dashall, offended by the officer's interference,--"I envy
them not the possession of their feelings," and the two friends renewed
their walk.

Proceeding, without further interruption, our pedestrians, were induced
to intermingle with a crowd which had collected round a man who wore
a most patriarchal redundancy of beard, and had been recognized by an
acquaintance as a shoe-maker of the name of Cooke, a disciple of the
American Prophet, John Decker.

~183~~ Their high mightinesses the mobility were mischievously inclined,
and would certainly have grossly insulted, if not injured the
poor devotee, had not Dashall and his friend taken him under their
protection.{1} He had been quietly making his way through Covent Garden
Market, when the greetings and surprise of his friend at his strange
transformation, attracted the curiosity of the multitude, and his
unhesitating declaration, that he meant to accompany the great Prophet
to Jerusalem, excited derision and indignation against the unfortunate
enthusiast, when luckily our two heros interposed their good offices and
conducted the proselyte in safety to the Shakespeare Tavern.

1 On Monday, in consequence of a very great uproar on Sunday
night, in Worcester Street, Southwark, about the house of
the American Prophet, John Decker, that singular person was
brought before the Magistrates of this office, the
inhabitants of the neighbourhood having attributed the
disturbance to the unfortunate fanaticism of the prophet and
his followers.

The constables stated, that on Sunday night, at half-past
eight o'clock, they saw a mob, consisting of about three
hundred people, collected at the door of the house, and
heard the cries of "murder" issue from within. The officers
on going up stairs, found the Prophet lying on his back.
Some persons who had been abusing him escaped, and the
Prophet said the cause of their violence was, that he had
refused to get out of his bed to preach. He was conveyed to
the watch-house. The witnesses informed the Magistrate, that
the Prophet had made some proselytes, who were actually
about to leave the country with him, and accompany him upon
an expedition to the Holy Land. The parish officers were
naturally alarmed at the inconveniences to which such an
emigration would expose them, and hoped that every thing the
arm of the law could do would be done to prevent it. The
fanatic spirit of some of the followers of the Prophet may
be guessed at from the following facts:--

The officers who apprehended him, had, two or three times,
in the course of Sunday evening, gone to the house in
Worcester Street, and dispersed a large congregation that
had assembled in the room appropriated to preaching. The
Prophet preached first, and was succeeded by one of his most
zealous followers, who was followed by another. This was
constantly the practice, and during the service, which was
being listened to with rapture, upwards of a dozen of the
congregation seemed to be as violently engaged as the
Prophet himself, whose sincerity is well known. One man, a
shoe-maker, named Cooke, has actually sold off his stock and
furniture, which were worth L300.; and if he were not known
to be the greatest admirer of the Prophet might be called
his rival, for he has allowed his beard to grow to an
immense length, and goes about preaching and making
converts. He has a little son, who looks half-starved, and
is denied all animal food by the Prophet and his father,
upon the principle of Pythagoras--that he might not be
guilty of eating a piece of his own grand-mother. Another
trades-man, who was most industrious, and attached to his
wife and seven children, proposes to leave them all, and go
to Jerusalem. His beard is also becoming indicative of his
intention, and he sleeps, as the others who are struck by
the Prophet do--with his clothes on. None of the sixteen
families who reside in the house in which the Prophet lives,
have, however, caught the infection, and the land-lady
complained most severely of the annoyance to which she was
subject.

Mr. Chambers said he expected to have heard that the Prophet
was on his way to Jerusalem.

The Prophet said he only waited for a Tunisian vessel to set
sail with his brother Cooke, and nine other of his brethren.
Upon being questioned as to his inducing those men to leave
their families, he said he did not take them, a higher power
took them. After having stated the manner in which he had
been pulled out of the bed, and declared that he forgave his
enemies, he said, in answer to a question whether he was at
Brixton, and worked there, "Yea," and to the question
whether he liked it, "Nay."

Cooke, the shoe-maker, then stepped forward, and told the
Magistrate that he was determined to follow his brother
Decker to Jerusalem, but that the parish should suffer no
inconvenience, for he should take his son with him on his
pilgrimage. He said that they should not preach again where
they had been so abused, but should remove to a house near
the National School, in St. George's Fields, where they
would preach till the day of their departure.

The Magistrate assured the Prophet that he should be
committed if he preached again without a license, which he
might have next Sessions for four-pence. The Prophet was
then discharged.

Decker, it appeared, had baptized seventeen persons, since
he commenced his labours in St. George's Fields.

~184~~ No remonstrances of Dashall were of any avail in inducing the
pertinacious fanatic to forego his resolution of a pilgrimage to the
Holy Land, and when the inquisitive numbers who still lingered in front
of the tavern had dispersed, Cooke, with appropriate acknowledgment of
the protection which had been afforded him, took his leave, after having
unsuccessfully endeavoured to make converts of Dashall and the Squire
to the tenets of Prophet Decker, or to prevail on them to accompany the
sacred band in the projected expedition to Jerusalem.

CHAPTER XIV

My son, time was when by necessity,
(Nought else could move me to the enterprize,)
My steps were urg'd to London's wide domains,
I made my will, as prudent friends advis'd;--
For little wot they, that beset with peril,
I ever should return.--Safe though thou speed'st
To London's wond'rous mart, thy pleasaut way,
Think not that dangers cease, they but begin,
When ent'ring the metrop'lis; slowly then
Receive even Friendship's overtures, and shun
The softer sex their wiles and blandishments;
Walk cautiously the streets, of crowds beware,
And wisely learn to fly each latent snare.

~185~~ AMONGST other occurrences of the preceding day, Cousin Bob
adverted, at the breakfast table, to the confused intermixture of
carriages, dissonant din of attendant lacqueys clamouring for vehicles,
and the dangers occasioned by quarrelsome coachmen, precipitately,
and at all hazards, rushing forwards to the doors of a mansion, on
the breaking-up of a route, each claiming, and none willing to
concede precedency in taking up their masters and mistresses,--" I am
surprised," said the Squire, "that any rational being would sacrifice
his time and comfort in making one of an assemblage where within doors
you are pressed to the dread of suffocation, and in making your exit,
are environed by peril and difficulty."

"Such," rejoined Dashall, "are the follies of fashion. Its influence
predominates universally; and the votarists of _bon ton_, are equally
assiduous in the pursuit of their object, whether with the satellites
in the gay and volatile regions of the court, or amongst those of 'sober
fame' in the mercantile bustle of the city. In the purlieus of the
great, _bon ton_ is characterized by inconvenience; four or Ave hundred
people, for example, invited to crowd a suite of rooms not calculated to
accommodate half the number, the squeeze must be delightful! But

'Custom in every thing liears sovereign sway!'

~186~~ thence yield the followers of High Life in the West to the
follies of fashion, where the enjoyment of ease is a subordinate, if not
altogether exploded consideration.--Eastward on the other hand:

'I loves High Life, and all the joys it yields,'
Says Madam Fussick, warm from Spitalfields.
'High Life's the day, 'twixt Saturday and Monday,
'And riding in a one-horse chay on Sunday,
''Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons,
'At Bagnigge Wells, in china and gilt spoons.'"

"Again," added the Squire, "what a vast expence is incurred by these
idle and ostentatious displays of luxury, without one object of
advantage gained!"

"Unproductive result," rejoined Tom, "is not always the case; it not
unfrequently happens that a route and card-party are united; when
the lady of the mansion generally contrives, by skill and finesse,
to transfer a portion of the spoil into her own private treasury; and
notwithstanding expense, there are those who have given splendid routes
and entertainments, and at the same time, recruited their exhausted
finances, at the sole charges of incautious tradesmen, who
notwithstanding repeated losses, yet absorbed in the love of gain,
become the dupes of avarice and credulity.--In the elucidation of my
remark,--

'If old assertions can't prevail,
Be pleased to hear a modern tale.'

"Not long since," continued Dashall, "an aspiring young limb of the
law, of property, in expectancy (but that is neither here nor there)
and fertile in expedient, contrived to insinuate himself into the
good fellowship of a few bon vivants; and resolving to irradiate with
'surprising glory' the galaxy of fashion, he furnished a house, by
permission of an accommodating upholsterer, in a style of magnificence,
and decorated a side-board with a splendid service of plate, borrowed
auspiciously for the occasion from a respectable silversmith, on a
promise of liberal remuneration and safe return; after effecting the
object of its migration, in dazzling the eyes of his honourable friends
at his projected entertainment.

~187~~ "Amidst the busy 'note of preparation,' the important day at last
arrived; the suite of apartments became thronged with company, and every
one admired the elegance of the furniture; the tasteful ornaments of
the rooms; the brilliancy of the lights and massive construction of the
valuable family plate! In fact every thing conspired to give _eclat_ to
the scene, and confirm the friends of the founder of the feast in their
belief alike of his exquisite judgment and high respectability.

"The silversmith, that he might not appear indelicately obtrusive, let a
few days elapse after this grand gala had taken place, before he applied
for restoration of his property, the borrower congratulated him on his
good fortune, told him, that several friends had very much admired the
plate, and even expressed an intention of ordering similar services; and
that with regard to the borrowed plate, he had taken so strong a fancy
to it, as to feel disposed to become a purchaser, if the price was
reasonable, and an adequate consideration was made for prompt payment.

"The silversmith, who chuckled inwardly at the prospect of extending
his business, and connecting himself with so many 'honourable men,'
gratefully expressed his acknowledgments, and assuring him of liberal
dealing, the several items of the borrowed plate were examined and
dilated upon, the price of each article, after much higgling, was
ultimately fixed, the sum total ascertained, and an early clay appointed
for a final settlement of the accompt. It never was the intention of the
borrower to return the plate, but he now had achieved a great object,
by entirely changing the whole complexion of the business; he had now
converted fraud into debt, and happen what might, the silversmith could
only sue him on a civil process, which against a limb of the law, and
as such, privileged from arrest, must be tedious and uncertain, whereas,
had he made away with the plate, without accomplishing the object of
this last manouvre, (such is the indiscriminating severity of English
law,) that he might have been amenable to the punishment of felony!

"Now comes the reckoning when the banquet's o'er! the parties met
for final settlement, when behold! the accepted purchaser offers the
silversmith a bill at a month; he refuses it indignantly, and consults
his solicitor as to the possibility of compelling the restoration of the
plate; but the lawyer told him, that on his own shewing this could not
be done. The silversmith had now no other resource than that of taking
the ~188~~ proposed bill, and waiting the expiration of the month, for
payment. In the meanwhile, the debtor exhibiting the talent of an able
conveyancer, transmuted the silver into gold, and now laughs at the
credulity of London tradesmen, and sets the silversmith at defiance!"{1}

1 This incident, as related by Dash all, actually and very
recently occurred.

An interesting and useful volume might be compiled on the
subject of frauds practised on London tradesmen. Many of
these tricks have been highly characteristic of ingenuity.
The following is a ludicrous instance of female stratagem.
We give the article literally, as it occurred.

A few days ago, a female, apparently a person of rank,
visited in her carriage, towards the evening, a Silk
Mercer's Shop, westward of Temple Bar, where she made
choice, for purchase, of silks and other rich articles of
feminine dress and decoration, to the value of above fifty
pounds. Her manner was that of a perfectly well-bred
gentlewoman, and her person displayed no small portion of
attractive and elegant accomplishment. Having completed
her selection, she expressed much regret that she could not
pay the amount of the bill on the instant: "But,"she
continued, "it is a delightful evening; my house is in the
suburbs of town; a short and easy ride will prove a pleasant
recreation, and if you will accompany me home in my
carriage, you shall, on our arrival, be immediately paid."
The mercer was more gallant of spirit than to reject the
courtesy of a lady so fair and fascinating, and accepting
with pleasure the proferred honour, the vehicle soon
reached its destination. The lady first alighted, taking
with her, into an elegant mansion, the articles of
purchase; the mercer presently followed, was shewn into a
handsome drawing-room, and received with much politeness, by
apparently by a gentleman of the faculty.--A silence of a
few minutes ensued, when the mercer inquired for the lady,
observing, at the same time, that it was necessary he should
return to town immediately. The courteous physician
recommended silence, and the mercer became irritated and
clamorous for his money and freedom of exit. Two
attendants making their appearance, they were directed to
conduct the patient to his apartment. The mercer
suspecting that he was the dupe of artifice, grasped a
poker, with the intention of effect-ing, at all hazard, his
liberation from "durance vile," but his efforts had no other
result than that of confirming his trammels, and he was
presently bound over to keep the peace, under the guarantee
of a straight-waistcoat! The unfortunate mercer now told a
"plain unvarnished tale," which gained the attention of the
humane physician, who was no other than the proprietor of
the mansion, in which he managed its concerns as an Asylum
for Lunatics. The lady who accompanied the mercer to the
house, had been with the physician the preceding day, and
made arrangements with him for the reception of an insane
patient.--It was now discovered that she had come under a
fictitious name; had retreated in the hired vehicle with the
mercer's property; and had adopted this curious stratagem,
the more effectually to silence suspicion and prevent
detection.

~189~~ This detail threw the Squire into a train of rumination, on the
tricks and chicanery of metropolitan adventurers; while Dashall amused
himself with the breakfast-table concomitant, the newspaper. A few
minutes only elapsed, when he laid it aside, approached the window,
and seeing a funeral pass, in procession, along the street, he turned
towards his Cousin, and interrupted his reverie with the following
extemporaneous address:--

"Dost thou observe," he said, "yon sable tribe
Of death anticipates?--These are they
Who, when men die, rejoice! all others else
Of human kind, shed o'er departed friends
The tear of reminiscence; these prowlers
Hunt after Death, and fatten on his prey!
Mark now their measur'd steps, solemn and slow,
And visage of each doleful form, that wears
The semblance of distress; they mourn for hire,
And tend the funeral rites with hearts of stone!
Their souls of apathy would never feel
A moment's pang were Death at one fell sweep,
Even all their relatives to hurl from earth!--
Knaves there exist among them who defraud
The grave for sordid lucre; who will take
The contract price for hurrying to the tomb
The culprit corse the victim of the law,
But lay it where? Think'st thou in sacred ground!
No! in the human butcher's charnel-house!
Who pleas'd, reserves the felon for the knife,
And bribes the greater villain with a fee!"

Cousin Bob was very much surprised by this sudden effusion, and
inquiring the source of inspiration, Dashall put into his hands the
newspaper, pointing to the following extraordinary communication,
extracted verbatim.{1}

1 The King v. Cundick.--This was an indictment against the
defendant, undertaker to the Horsemonger-lane gaol, for a
mis-demeanour, in corruptly selling for dissection the body
of a capital convict, after he had been executed, contrary
to his duty, in viola-tion of public decency, and the
scandal of religion. There were various counts in the
indictment, charging the offence in different ways. The
defendant pleaded Not Guilty.

The case excited considerable interest, as well for its
unprecedented novelty as the singularity of its
circumstances. It was a public prosecution at the instance
of the Magistracy of the County.

Mr. Nolan and Mr. Bolland conducted the case for the Crown;
and Mr. Adolphus, Mr. Turton, and Mr. Ryland, were for
the defence.

It appeared in evidence that a capital convict, named Edward
Lee, who had been tried and found guilty at the last
Croydon Assizes, of a highway robbery, was publicly executed
at Horse-monger-lane gaol, on Monday, the 10th of September.
After he was cut down he was delivered over to the
defendant, the appointed carpenter and undertaker of the
gaol, for interment at the County's expense, for which he
was allowed three guineas. He received particular
directions that the afflicted mother and other friends of
the deceased were to be permitted to see the body before
inter-ment, and follow it to the grave, if they thought
proper. The friends of the deceased called on the
defendant, who lives in Redcross-street, to know when the
funeral would take place. He appointed the following day,
Tuesday, the 11th of September. The unhappy mother of the
deceased, being confined to her bed, was unable to attend
the funeral, but sent a friend to the house of the defendant
to see the body, and cut a lock of its hair. Application
being made to the defendant for this purpose, he said he had
already buried the body, because he could not keep such
people any longer in his house. The friend demanded a
certificate of the funeral, which he promised to procure on
a subsequent day, upon paying a fee. On the Thursday
following the uncle of the deceased called for a certificate
of the burial, but could not get it, the de-fendant then
saying that the body had been buried the day before. The
friends then became clamorous, and complaint being made to
Mr. Walter, the gaoler, he sent repeatedly for the defendant
to come to the gaol and explain his conduct, which he
declined. At length one of the turnkeys was sent after
him on the Friday, with positive directions to bring him
forthwith. As soon as the de-fendant found that he was
compelled to go to Mr. Walter, he made an excuse, that he
had some immediate business to attend to, but would meet the
messenger in an hour at a neighbouring public-house. To
this the turnkey consented, but watched the defendant to his
house, where he saw two or three suspicious looking men
lurking about. After waiting for some time, the defendant
came to him, and expressed his surprise that he was not gone
to the public-house. The defendant appeared agitated, and
went off as hard as he could towards the Southwark Iron
Bridge. A person named Crisp, who was with the turnkey,
went one way after the defendant, and the turnkey another.
The latter went to Crawford's burial ground, where he saw
the same suspicious looking man whom he had observed about
the defendant's house, in the act of interring a coffin.
He immediately interposed, and said the coffin should not be
buried until he examined its contents. At this moment
the defendant came into the burying-ground, and
seemed angry at the interruption, and begged he
might be allowed to inter the body, which he acknowledged
was Edward Lee; and excused himself for not burying it
before, by saying, that the pressure of other business
prevented him. The turnkey remonstrated with him for
disobedience of the orders he had received to permit the
friends of the deceased to see the body and attend the
funeral. The defendant seemed greatly perplexed: at length
he took hold of Crisp and the turnkey by the sleeve, and,
with considerable agitation, offered them 10L. each to
permit him to bury the coffin, and say no more about the
matter. This was peremptorily refused. The turnkey insisted
upon opening the coffin, and whilst the defendant went to
explain his conduct to Mr. Walter, he did open it, and found
that it contained nothing but earth. It appeared that the
defendant had been applying to the sexton in the course of
the week for a certificate of the burial, but was unable to
succeed, the body not having been buried. Search was then
made for the body, and at length it was traced to Mr.
Brooks's dissecting rooms in Blenheim-street, Marlborough-
street, where it had undergone a partial dissection. The
upper part of the scull had been removed, but replaced.
Several persons identified the body as that of Edward Lee.
It was proved that about ten o'clock in the evening of
Tuesday, the 11th September, a hackney-coach had stopped at
the defendant's house, and the defendant was seen assisting
two men in lifting a large hamper into the carriage, which
then drove off. This was the substance of the case for the
prosecution.