Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"Full many a gem of purest ray serene,
The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear;
Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness in the desert air.'

~170~~ The indefatigable waterman continued to ply his oars, sans
intermission, and in a few minutes our two associates in adventure
were safely landed a short distance westward of the bridge. After
remunerating the waterman, they ascended the stairs with an appetite
quickened by the water breeze, and retired into the Shades, close at
hand, for refreshment, previous to a renewal of their excursion.

The Shades, near London Bridge, is a house, or rather cellar, much
resorted to by respectable citizens of "sober fame," induced chiefly by
the powerful attraction of genuine wines, which may here be had either
drawn immediately from the wood, and served in regular standard pewter
measures, or in bottles, also of full measure, containing the pure
beverage, of various age and vintages. To these cellars numbers of
the most respectable mercantile characters adjourn daily; enjoying
the exhilarating juice of the grape, and further attracted by the
pleasantness of situation, as commanding a full view of the river,
whence the refreshing breeze is inhaled and enjoyed.

Here then, our heroes recruited; and while taking their wine, Bob was
much gratified by the performance of an itinerant band of musicians,
playing outside, some of the latest and most popular airs, in a masterly
style of execution. "Among other numerous refinements and improvements
of the age," observed Dashall, "may be considered that of our itinerant
metropolitan musicians, for instead of the vile, discordant and grating
hurdy-gurdy; the mechanical organ grinder, and the cat-gut scraper,
"sawing a tune," we have now parties who form themselves into small
bands of really scientific and able performers, who from instruments
well selected produce a combination of delightful melody; and this
progress of harmony is equally evident with respect to vocalists, who
frequently posting themselves opposite some well frequented tavern or
coffee-house, amuse the inmates with catches, glees, duets, &c. and
trust to the liberal feelings which the "concord of sweet sounds may
have inspired, for remuneration and encouragement."

Scarcely had Dashall concluded his remarks, when the musical
party ceased their instrumental exertions, and, diversifying the
entertainment, one of the performers struck up a song, which we here
present to the reader as a subject not inapplicable to our work.~171~~

In London where comical jokes go free,
There are comical modes of cheating,
Birch-brooms are cut up for Souchong and Bohea,
And plaster for bread you are eating!
And plaster for bread you are eating!

(Spoken) "How do you do, Mrs. Caphusalent I hope you
approved of the genuine tea." "O yes, new brooms sweep
clean, and I have no occasion to buy birch ones, while I
deal at your shop for tea." "There's nothing like my cheap
bread," says Doughy the baker. "O yes," says Neddy, "you
forget plaster of Paris is very like it."

What are you at? each knave may cry,
Who feels my honest rhymes;
What are you after's? my reply,--
There never were such times!
There never were such times!

In Accum's test you'll find it clear,
For spirits of wine read Royal gin!
Quashee and drugs they call strong beer,
And Turtle soup is Ox's shin!
And Turtle soup is Ox's shin!

(Spoken) "By the powers of Moll Kelly, Mr. Max, but you've
murdered my dear friend Patrick O'Shaughnessy, for after
taking a noggin of your blue ruin, he went to blow out the
candle on stepping into bed, when the poor dear creature
went off in a blaze, and set fire to the house. Its all
nothing at all but spirits of wine, you bog-trotting
swindler!"

Moist sugar is made from the best red sand,
New milk from whiting and water!
Sloe juice poisons half the land,
And the weights get shorter and shorter!
And the weights get shorter and shorter!

(Spoken) "I hope," says Mr. Deputy Doublethroat, "you found
the port I sent you last of the right sort: six years in
bottle, Sir, I warrant it made your heart glad." "You mean
my bowels sad, Mr. Deputy. Out of six friends whom I invited
to partake of it four have already been booked inside
passengers for the other world, and my dear Mrs. Fribble and
me have been confined with inflammation ever since. Instead
of importer of foreign wines, Mr. Deputy, I'd have you write
up retailer of English poisons." {1}

1 The following receipt is copied from a book, which is
there said to be worth the price of the volume. "What is
drank as port wine, is very often only a mixture of malt
liquors, red wine, and turnip juice. For the benefit of
economical readers, the following are the proportions: forty-
eight gallons of liquor pressed from turnips, eight gallons
of malt spirits, and eight gallons of good port wine,
coloured with cochineal, and roughened with elder tops. It
should stand two years in casks, and one in bottles. If
rough cider is substituted for turnip juice, and Coniac
brandy for malt spirits, the wine will be the better."

Turkey-coffee is Horse-beans ground,
Irish eggs are boil'd in lime:
In every trade deception's found,
Except it be in yours or mine!
Except it be in yours or mine!

(Spoken) "There's more milk drank in London in a week than
all the Cows in England could give in a fortnight;" says
Blunderskull. "How can that be?" "Why to be sure, because
two-thirds of it is white-wash!"

What are you at? each knave may cry,
Who feels my honest rhymes:
What are you after's? my reply,--
There never were such times!
There never were such times!

It was but a few steps from the Shades to the Monument, to which our
adventurers were now pursuing their way, when they met with an incident
not unworthy of observation. Do not leave your goods, is the friendly
admonition generally inscribed, in large characters, over the resting
place for porters, throughout the metropolis. Opposite the church of
Saint Magnus, close by London Bridge, a porter having pitched his
load, turned his back upon it, and reclined himself against the post in
careless ease, and security. It was just as our heroes approached, that
the porter had turned himself round to resume his burden, when lo! it
had vanished; in what manner no one can tell! without doubt, one of
those numerous street-prowlers who are continually on the look out for
prey, observing the remissness of the porter, had availed himself of the
favourable opportunity, and quietly walked off with his booty. A crowd
collected round the sufferer, but it afforded him neither sympathy nor
relief. Our associates, however, contributed in mitigation of his loss,
and proceeding up Fish-street Hill, were, in a few moments, shrouded
under the towering column of the Monument.

Ascending the spiral stair-case of black marble, consisting of three
hundred and forty-five steps, winding like a cork-screw, to the summit,
our aspirants reached their aerial station in the gallery of this lofty
edifice, and enjoyed one of the most variegated and extensively ~173~~
interesting prospects of any in the metropolis. Far as the eye could
reach, skirting itself down the river, a forest of tall masts appeared,
and the colours of all nations, waving gaily in the breeze, gave a
splendid idea of the opulence and industry of the first commercial city
in the universe. The moving panorama, far beneath the giddy height,
resembled the flitting figures of a _camera obscura_; the spacious
Thames was reduced to a brook; the stately vessels riding on its
undulating wave seemed the dwarfish boats of the school-boy navigator;
and glancing on the streets and along London Bridge, horses dwindled
in appearance to mice, and carriages to children's toys! after having
enjoyed, during several minutes, the prospects afforded by their
elevated position, the two friends descended, and with a feeling of
relief again trod the safer and less difficult path of _terra firma_.

Our observers now turned their direction westward, and passed into
Lombard Street, chiefly formed of banking-houses and other public
edifices. "This street," said Dashall, "is noted as the focus of wealth,
the point of convergence of civic riches, and its respectable bankers
are not more dignified by the possession of superabundant property
than enhanced in the estimation of their fellow-citizens by strictly
conscientious honour and integrity.

"And of these not the least important in self-consequence is the jolly
civic Baronet," continued Dashall, "who has already come more than once
within the scope of our observation."

"Ecce homo! behold the man!" responded the Squire, and the Baronet
was descried rolling his ponderous form from the opposite alley to his
banking-house.

"It is rather unfortunate," observed Dashall, "that nature has not kept
pace with fortune, in liberality to the Baronet. Profuse in giving him
a colossal magnitude of person, he exhibits a most disproportionable
endowment of intellect. Unlike his great prototype Sir John, in one
sense, but yet resembling him in another, 'He is not witty himself, but
he occasions wit in others.'"

"You are very fond of making a butt of me," observed the Baronet to a
brother Alderman.--"By no means," rejoined the latter, "I never was fond
of an empty butt in my life." "Is the worthy Baronet inclined at times,
(asked the Squire) in his capacity of M.P. to irradiate the gloom of St.
Stephens?"

~174~~ "O yes, frequently, particularly so when in the plenitude of his
wisdom he conceives that he can enlighten the house with a modicum of
information. The last time I heard him hold forth was as an apologist
for the tumultuary loyalists at the Mansion House Meeting, when he
delivered himself in a manner so heterogeneal of commonsense, and
so completely in a style of egotism, as to excite the ridicule and
risibility of the whole house, and discompose the gravity of even the
speaker himself."{1}

1 The following is a strictly literal versification of the Speech
alluded to:

THE MANSION-HOUSE ROW, AND APOLOGY FOR
THE LOYALISTS.

Being a literal versification of the eloquent Speech of Sir
W--ll--m C--RT--s, Baronet, in the House of Commons, Friday,
February 2, on the presentation, by Mr. John Smith, of the
Petition of the Merchants of London.

I rise, Mr. Speaker, indulgence entreating
A Speech while I make on the Mansion-house Meeting.
The prior Requisition was certainly signed
By men of good substance, with pockets well lin'd!
With such I am ever good humour'd and civil,
But worth, without wealth, I would pitch to the devil'.
The Lord Mayor, I think, then, assum'd a position
Of duty, in yielding to said Requisition;
For may my oration be given to scorn,
If ever I saw, from the day I was born,
A list of more honoured, more propertied men,
And probably never may see such again.

Now high as I prize both the merits and station,
Of loyalists signing the first declaration;
Permit me to say, it was too mild by half,
Too much milk and water--Some Members may laugh--
I care not;--I say that it did not inherit
The tythe of a loyal and time serving spirit.
I'm charged too with signing it, nevertheless,
I DID,--for I knew not how else to express
My zeal, in supporting, with firm resolution,
The Crown,--and Old England's decay'd Constitution!
Who they are, Constitution and Crown that sustain,
The people should now,--else we labour in vain!
And, therefore, I sign'd the fore-named declaration.
Altho' such a weak milk and water potation!
For why should the loyalists smother their cause,
And lose the high gain,--ministerial applause.
'Pon honour,--aye, even in detractions despite--
In corners and holes, Sir, I take no delight;
And, never on any pursuit do I go,
Of which 1 don't want the Almighty to know!
I signed, Sir, the loyal, luke-warm declaration,
To bring to its senses a turbulent nation!
To cheer up His Majesty,--win his good graces,
And keep his lov'd Ministers still in their places!
The hon'rable member, my friend, who spoke last,
Is not quite correct in detailing what pass'd
At the Mansion-house Meeting; for patiently heard
He was, until symptoms of riot appear'd.
At last it broke out, with a vengeance 'tis true,
And dire was the fracas! but what could we do,
Where adverse opinion so warmly prevail'd,
And each with revilings his neighbour assail'd?
Why, Sir, to this house, I could prove in a minute,
That greater majorities out than now in it,
Of sound thinking persons, in these fair dominions,
Are scouting the hon'rable member's opinions.

Well-bred, Sir, believe me, and good-looking people,
Were wedg'd in the Mansion-house quite of a heap all;
Whilst I, most politely, besought their attention,
But no,--not a word was I suffer'd to mention!
A party oppos'd me, altho' no long speeches
I make,--(a kind lesson that prudence still teaches;)
And waiting a hearing an hour, perhaps longer,
The dissonant clamour grew fiercer and stronger!
In fact, when I open'd my mouth, the commotion
Exceeded in fury the storms of the ocean!
Some hale stout young men, who had mix'd with the throng,
And press'd, the conflicting addressers among,
Escap'd from the Meeting in tumult and smother,
And swore that they never would visit another!

I well recollect, in the year ninety-three,
A similar fracas I happen'd to see;
The place, Grocers' Hall, where contention was wrought,
So high, that a stout battle-royal was fought!
Indeed, save one Meeting, I ne'er knew a case,
Where wrangling and fighting had not taken place!
In that one, so happen'd, good luck to betide,
Its fortunate members--were all on one side!
Reverting again to the Mansion-house Row,
When next our staunch loyalists mean to avow
Their zeal,----may they issue a strong declaration,
Then mix'd with a water and milk preparation!
The gout in my toe, for I wore a great shoe,
At last sent me home, without bidding adieu.

And now having said, Mr. Speaker, thus much
I hope on this house the impression is such,
The loyalists fully to clear, and their leader
From charge, at that Meeting, of boisterous proceedure.

The Honourable Baronet now sat down, amid the ironical cheers,
of the Treasury, and the tumultuous laughter of the whole house.

~175~~ The two partners in adventure had now reached the Mansion House.
The Justice Room was open, and the friends ascended the stairs in order
to witness the equitable dispensation of right by the Civic Sovereign.

The case now under investigation was a curious one, and excited the
interest and amusement of a numerous auditory.

The itinerant exhibitor of a dancing bear, complained that the person
(proprietor of a small menage) now summoned into the presence of his
lordship, illegally withheld from him a monkey, his property, and the
ci-devant associate of the ursine dancer aforesaid.

On the other hand, the master of the menage roundly asserted that he was
the rightful proprietor of the monkey, and had been in possession of the
animal for several years.

"My lord," said the master of the bear, "let the monkey be produced, and
I will abide by his choice between this man and me as his master." This
proposition appearing reasonable, and pug having been brought forward as
evidence, before giving his testimony made a respectful obeisance to the
Chief Magistrate, and so far as chattering and grinning were indicative
of his good intentions, seemed desirous of expressing his courtesy to
the auditory in general. After having stared about him for some time,
with an inquisitive eye, and corresponding gesticulation, he discerned
the bear-master, and springing into his arms with all the eagerness of
affectionate recognition, expressed the utmost joy at the unexpected
meeting, and when the other claimant attempted to approach, he repulsed
him in the most furious manner, and clung to the friend of his election
with renewed pertinacity.

Under these circumstances, the monkey was adjudged to the bear-master
as his proper owner, and pug and his friend left the Justice Room, with
mutual exchange of endearments.

Nothing else meriting notice, occurred to the two strangers in this
their new scene of observation. The Civic Sovereign having resigned the
chair to one of the Aldermen, in order that he might attend the Sessions
at the Old Bailey, Dashall and the Squire, at the same time, retired
with the intention (the day now waning apace) of making the best of
their way home, which they reached without further adventure.~177~~

CHAPTER XIII

The charge is prepar'd, the lawyers are met,
The judges all rang'd, a terrible show!
I go undismay'd, for death is a debt,
A debt on demand,--so take what I owe.

Since laws were made for every degree,
To curb vice in others as well as in me;
I wonder we ha'n't better company
Upon Tyburn tree!

But gold from law can take out the sting,
And if rich men like us were to swing
'Twould thin the land such numbers would string
Upon Tyburn tree!

PURPOSING to spend an hour in the Sessions House at the Old Bailey,
our adventurers started next morning betimes, and reaching their
destination, took their seats in the gallery, for which accommodation
they were charged one shilling each, which the Squire denominated an
imposition, inquiring of his friend by what authority it was exacted,
and to whose benefit applied, as from the frequent sittings of the
Court, and general crouded state of the gallery, the perquisites must be
considerable.

"Custom in every thing bears sovereign sway," answered Dashall. "I know
not whence this is derived, nor whose pockets are lined by the produce;
but you will probably be surprised to learn, that a shilling admission
is only demanded on common occasions, and that on trials of great public
interest, from one to two guineas has been paid by every individual
obtaining admission."

The arrival of the Judges now terminated this colloquy. The Lord Mayor
and several Aldermen were in waiting to receive them, and these sage
expounders of the law were conducted to the Bench by the Sheriffs of
London and Middlesex. The Chief Magistrate of the City uniformly and of
right presiding at this Court, his Lordship ~178~~ took his seat on
the same Bench with the Judges, and the usual forms having been gone
through, the dispensation of justice commenced.

Several prisoners were tried and convicted of capital felony, during the
short space of time that our associated observers remained in Court;
but the cases of these wretched men, and the consciousness of their
impending fate, seemed in no respect to operate upon their minds, as
they left the bar apparently with perfect indifference.

An unfortunate man was next brought forward, and accused of having
stolen from an auction room a couple of wine glasses. He was of
respectable demeanor, and evidently had seen better days. When asked
what he had to allege in his defence, the victim of misery preluding
his story with a torrent of tears, told the following piteous tale of
distress:

He had been in business, and sustained an unimpeachable integrity of
character for many years. Independence seemed within his reach, when
misfortune, equally unforeseen as inevitable, at all points assailed
him! In the course of one disastrous year, death deprived him of his
family, and adversity of his property. He had unsuccessfully speculated,
and the insolvency of several who were considerably indebted to him, had
completed his ruin! At the time he committed the act for which he stood
convicted at that bar, he had not tasted food for three days, neither
had he in the world a friend or relative to whom he could apply for
relief. The Jury found him Guilty, but strongly recommended him to
mercy. The Judge humanely observed, that the least possible punishment
should be inflicted on the prisoner. He was then sentenced to a fine
of one shilling, and to be discharged. A sum of money, the spontaneous
bounty of the spectators, was immediately collected for him, while one
of the Jury promised him employment, on his calling at his house on
the following day. The gratitude of the poor man was inexpressible:
the sudden transition from the abyss of despair to the zenith of hope,
seemed to overwhelm his faculties. He ejaculated a blessing on his
benefactors, and departed.

~179~~ Dashall and his friend were much affected by this incident.
Another, however, presently occurred, of a more lively description.
In the course of the next trial, the counsellor, on cross-examining
a witness, found occasion to address him with, "Well, my old buck,
I suppose you are one of those people who do not often go to
church?"--"Perhaps," said the other, "if the truth were known, I am as
often there as you are." The promptness of the reply produced a laugh,
in which the witness very cordially joined. "What makes you laugh?" said
the lawyer. "Is not every body laughing?" replied the other. "True,"
said the man of law; "but do you know what they are laughing at?"--"Why,
I think in my heart," rejoined the fellow, "that they take either me or
you to be a fool, but I do not know which!"

The Judge at this repartee could not retain his gravity; a tumult of
mirth pervaded the whole Court, and the discomfited counsellor adjusted
his wig and sat down.

During the few minutes longer that our heroes remained, nothing of
interest occurring, they withdrew; and passing down the Old Bailey to
Ludgate Street, and from thence towards the Temple, they crossed Fleet
Street, and taking the direction of Shire Lane, were induced, by way of
investigating Real Life in its lowest classification, to enter one of
those too frequent receptacles of vice denominated Coffee Shops.

This was a house of notorious irregularity, the occupant of which had
more than once experienced the visitation of the law for his utter
contempt of social order--and from the present appearance of his guests,
it did not seem that legal interference had effected moral amendment.

As our two friends entered this Augean Stable, a whisper of surprise,
mingled with dismay, went round the motley assemblage of female
street-drabs, cracksmen,{1} and fogle-hunters; and a wary glance of
suspicion darted from the group "many a time and oft" on the new-comers,
who notwithstanding kept possession of their seats, and ordering without
apparent notice of the party a cup of coffee, apprehension subsided into
security, the re-assured inmates resumed their interrupted hilarity, and
our adventurers were thus afforded the means of leisurable observation.

1 Cracksmen (Burglars), Fogle-hunters (Pickpockets).

~180~~ The Squire, who had not perused the annals of blackguardism, and
consequently was not an adept in the knowledge of the slang or vulgar
tongue, was under the frequent necessity of applying to his friend for
explanation of the obscure phraseology of those ladies and gentlemen of
the pad, which Dashall contrived to occasionally interpret without the
assistance or notice of its multitudinous learned professors.

The desire of witnessing the exhibition of Real Life in its lowest
state of human degradation, induced a prolongation of stay by our two
associates. In the meanwhile, "the mirth and fun grew fast and furious,"
exemplified by dance, song, and revelry, interspersed with practical
jokes, recriminative abuse, and consequent pugilistic exercise, where
science and strength alternately prevailed; and in deficiency of other
missiles, poker, tongs, coffee-cups, saucers, and plates, were brought
into active requisition.--The scene was a striking illustration of
"Confusion worse confounded." Luckily our two observers were in a
situation without the reach of injury; they therefore "smiled at the
tumult and enjoyed the storm."

The landlord now interfered in defence of his fragile property.
Preliminaries of peace were agreed on, through his high mediation, and
finally ratified betwixt the contending parties, ending as they began,
like many other conflicting powers, _statu quo ante bellum_!