Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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They were now dashing along the road towards the Elephant and Castle,
when Bob was attracted by the appearance of the Philanthropic Chapel and
School, which his cousin dismissed in a few words, by observing it was
the school of reform, which he had alluded to, when last in the vicinity
of Blackfriars, and which deserved more attention than he could just
then give it. So touching up the tits in prime twig, they pushed on to
the originally proposed place of destination.

Having arrived at Greenwich, and partaken of some refreshment, our
heroes proceeded immediately to the Hospital; the magnificent appearance
of which had an evident effect upon Tallyho, as he gazed upon its
exterior, and some of its venerable inhabitants taking their peaceable
walks before it, while others were seated on accommodating benches,
viewing the vessels passing up and down the river.

"Why," said Bob, "this Hospital is more like a Palace."

"It is," replied Tom, "a noble monument of National gratitude to its
defenders, who deserve to be protected and assisted when disabled for
service. Here the lame, the wounded, and the aged, are enabled to spin
out the thread of a useful existence, in comfortable retirement. It
was founded by William and Mary for invalid seamen, and many an
old Commodore and gallant hardy Tar is ~159~~ preserved in this
establishment, after being doused from his pins, to puff old sorrow away
and sing,

"Yet still I am enabled
To bring up in life's rear,
Although I'm quite disabled
And lie in Greenwich tier.
The King, God bless his Majesty,
Who sav'd me from the main,
I'll praise with Love and Loyalty,
But ne'er to sea again."

"You perceive," continued he, "that the costume of the place is a suit
of blue, with proper distinctions of rank and station allotted to each."

"But," inquired Bob, "some of them appear to have their coats turned
inside out; is that according to choice?"--"Not so," replied Tosi,
"that is a mark of disgrace, by way of punishment, for some errors or
improprieties of which they have been guilty; and there are some, in
spite of misfortune, who cannot forget former times, and occasionally
verify the words of the song--

"So in misfortune's school grown tough,
In this same sort of knowledge,
Thinking mayhap I'd had enough,
They sent me here to College.

And here we tell old tales and smoke,
And laugh while we are drinking;
Sailors, you know, will have their joke,
E'en though the ship were sinking.

For I while I get grog to drink
My wife, or friend, or King in,
'Twill be no easy thing, I think,
D---- me to spoil my singing."

And although used to severe discipline on board a ship, they do
sometimes forget what they are subject to here, and "slip the cable upon
an ocean of grog," grow dizzy over the binnacle, unship the rudder, lose
their calculations, and stand too far out to sea to reach the intended
Port; but more of this presently. You perceive this magnificent
structure consists of four grand buildings, completely separated
from each other; yet forming a very entire and most beautiful
plan--especially viewed from the river, which runs in the front of it.
Here the comforts and ~160~~ conveniences of the hardy veterans, who
have faced the enemies of their country in many fearful encounters, are
studied, when they can no longer give the word of command, or answer
it in such active services. The four different buildings you now see,
contain accommodations for bed and board for about 2600 persons of
different ranks and stations; and you may perceive by those you have
before you, that the ranks they have formerly held in his Majesty's
employ are still visible in their outward habiliments."

They were now in the centre of the building, approaching the edge of
the Thames, on whose bosom were seen sundry small vessels, gliding in
majestic pride; and perceiving a seat capable of holding four or five
persons, in the corner of which sat an old weather-beaten tar, in
a gold-laced hat and coat, with a wooden leg, who was watching with
apparent delight one of the larger vessels, with all her sails set to
catch the breeze; they took a seat alongside of him.

"Come," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "we may here at "ase survey the
exertions of such as still retain the power, and contemplate the
comforts of those who no longer have powers to exert." The Pensioner
remained in mute attention to the moving scene on the river,
occasionally smiling and squirting from his jaws the accumulating
essence of his quid, seeming at the same time to enjoy in retrospection
scenes similar to what he had formerly been engaged in, but without
bestowing one look on our Heroes. "There is a fine fresh breeze down the
river," continued Tom, addressing the wooden legged warrior; and then a
pause ensued--but no reply.

"It is a beautiful situation for retirement in old age," said Bob. "I
should think, Sir," said he, "that you must be very comfortable under
this protecting roof," determined, if possible, to elicit something from
the hardy old Pensioner, approaching a little closer to him, and at the
same time to take his attention, respectfully moving his hat.

Tins address, however, was received with nearly the same effect as the
previous observations, except that the veteran moved his hat in return.
"He is a churlish old blade," said Tom; thinking by this remark to rouse
and animate the blood of their taciturn companion.--"There seems to be
no intelligence in him. Pray, Sir," continued he, "may I be so bold as
to inquire, laying his hand upon ~161~~ his knee, what is the name of
that vessel on which you appear to bestow so many anxious looks?"

Roused by the touch, he darted a hasty look at Tom, and then at Bob,
started hastily from his seat, held up his stick, as they supposed, in
a menacing attitude, then shouldering it, he marched, or rather hobbled,
on his wooden pin some paces from them, and, with an air of commanding
authority, returned in front of them, took off his hat, and began
to describe two lines on the gravel, but which was to them perfectly
unintelligible.

However, in a few minutes, the arrival of a younger Pensioner, with one
arm and a wooden stump, in breathless haste, informed them that the old
gentleman was deaf and dumb.

"God bless you, my worthy masters," said the interpreter, who first
paid his respects to the old Commodore, "you have started my revered
commander on his high ropes; he is as deaf as the top-lights, and as
dumb as a stantion: two and twenty years ago, your Honors, he and I
were both capsized together on board; the shot that took off his leg
splintered my arm, and the doctor kindly took it off for me afterwards."

"That was a lamentable day for you," said Tom. "Why aye, for the matter
of that there, d'ye see, it disabled us from sarvice, but then we both
of us had some consolation, for we have never been separated since:
besides, we were better off than poor Wattie the cook, who had his head
taken off by a chain-shot, and was made food for sharks, while we are
enabled to stump about the world with the use of our remaining limbs,
and that there's a comfort, you know."

During this introductory conversation, the old Commodore was intent
upon the work he had began, which, upon inquiry, was a sort of practical
description of the situation in which the ships were placed at the
period when he lost his limb. "He is now pouring in a broadside, and in
imagination enjoying a part of his life over again. It is a sorry sight,
my worthy Sirs, and yet upon the whole it is a cheerful one, to see an
old man live his time over again; now he is physicing them with

grape-shot--Bang--Bang--like hail--my eyes how she took it--Go it again,
my boys, said the old Commodore--Ditto repeated, as the Doctor used to
say. D----m the Doctor; the words were scarcely out of his mouth, when
down he ~162~~ went; and as I stood alongside him, ready to attend to
his orders, I was very near being sent down the hatchway stairs without
assistance; for the same shot that doused my old master, carried away my
arm just here.--" D----me," said the old man, to his brave crew, as they
carried us down to the cockpit--"I shall never forget it as long as
I live--That was a pepperer--Once more, my boys, and the day's your
own.--My eyes, he had hardly said the words, before--Bang, bang, went
our bull dogs--and sure enough it was all over. They cried Piccavi, and
went to the Doctor; but after that I know no more about the matter--we
were a long while before we got the better of our wounds; and as for
him, he has never spoken since--and as to hearing, I believe he never
wished to hear any more, than that the enemies of his country had got a
good drubbing."

By this time the old gentleman having gone through his manouvres,
with perhaps as much accuracy as my Uncle Toby did the siege of
Dendermond--having blown up the enemy with a flourish of his stick, made
a profound bow, and hobbled away.--"Thank you, my friend," said the Hon.
Tom Dashall, "for your information; we should never have understood
him without your assistance, for which accept of this, and our best
wishes--giving him a couple of half-crowns, with which, after thanking
the donors, he made the best of his way in search of the old Commodore,
who put our heroes forcibly in mind of the following lines:

"What a d----d bad time for a seaman to sculk,
Under gingerbread hatches on shore;
What a d----d hard job that this battered old hulk,
Can't be rigg'd out for sea once more."

"Thus you see," said Dashall, "how our habits become rooted in us: the
old Commodore, though unable to give the word of command, or to hear the
thunder of the cannon, still lives in the midst of the battle, becomes
warmed and animated by the imaginary heat of the engagement, and

"Thrice he routed all his foes,
And thrice he slew the slain."

"But come, we will now proceed to a view of the Chapel, the Painted
Hall, and the other curiosities of the ~163~~ interior; which done, we
will take our refreshment at the Crown, and pursue our way home."

They now took another cursory survey of this magnificent pile of
buildings, the grandeur and effect of which is scarcely to be imagined;
the beauty and variety being heightened by the grand square, and the
area beyond terminating with a view of the Observatory, which stands on
a hill in Greenwich Park.

Tallyho was next delighted with a view of the Chapel, which is 111
feet long, and 52 broad, and capable of conveniently accommodating 1000
Pensioners, nurses, and boys, exclusive of pews for the Directors, the
several officers of the establishment, &c--The altar-piece, painted by
West, representing The escape of St. Paul from Shipwreck on the Island
of Malta, and the paintings between the cornice and the ceiling of
the Ascension, by the same artist, claimed particular attention. The
splendid decorations of the Great Hall, with its variety of paintings
and statues, were also objects of peculiar admiration, the effect of
which must be seen to be duly appreciated. After these gratifications,
according to the proposal of Dashall, they retired, to the Crown, where
having partaken of a good dinner, and a glass of wine, they returned to
town, fully satisfied with their excursion, and arrived in Piccadilly
without any occurrence worthy of further remark.

CHAPTER XII

And have you not heard of a jolly young Waterman,
At Blackfriar's Bridge who is used still to ply!
Who feathers his oars with such skill and dexterity.

Winning each heart, and delighting each eye:
He looks So neat, and he rows so steadily,
The maidens all flock to his boat so readily,
And he eyes the young rogues with so charming an air
That this Waterman ne'er is in want of a fare.

~164~~ IT was in one of those inviting mornings, mild and temperate,
that Dashall and Tallyho, lounged along Piccadilly, observant of passing
events, and anticipating those of more interest which might occur in
the course of another day devoted to the investigation of Real Life in
London.

The street already exhibited its usual bustle. The early coaches were
rattling along on their way to their respective inns, loaded with
passengers, inside and out, from the western parts of the country; the
ponderous waggon, the brewer's dray, and not less stunning din of the
lighter and more rapid vehicles, from the splendid chariot to the humble
tax-cart, combined to annoy the auricular organs of the contemplative
perambulator, and together with the incessant discord of the dust-bell,
accompanied by the hoarse stentorian voice of its athletic artist,
induced Squire Tallyho to accelerate his pace, in order to escape, as he
said, "this conspiration of villainous sounds," more dissonant than that
of his hounds at fault, and followed by his friend Dashall, slackened
not his speed, until he reached the quietude of the new street leading
to the King's Palace, in Pall Mall.

In Regent Place (at the extremity of this fine street) the two friends
paused in admiration of the noble pile of buildings, which had on this
new interesting spot so rapidly risen, as if by the direction of that
necromantic and nocturnal architect, the Genius of the Wonderful Lamp.

~165~~ "Until lately, Carlton House, or more properly, now the King's
Palace, was hid from observation, and the Royal view, in front of his
princely mansion, was bounded to the opposite side of the way, the
distance of a few yards only; now the eye enjoys a perspective glance
of a spacious and magnificent street, terminating in a handsome public
edifice, and yet terminating in appearance only, for here the new
improvements sweep shortly to the left, and our attention is attracted
to a superb circus, or quadrant, from whence without further deviation,
Regent Street continues in lengthened magnificence, until it unites
itself in affinity of grandeur with Great Portland Place."

Thus far had Dashall proceeded, when the Squire expressed his surprise
that the new street had not been so planned as to lead, in one direct
and uninterrupted line, from Pall Mall to its ultimate termination.

"Then indeed," answered his friend, "it would have been one of the
finest streets in the world." "Here too," continued the Squire, "is a
manifest deficiency in Regent Place, there is a vacuum, it ought to be
supplied with something, be it what it may, for the eye to rest on."

"True, and your idea has been anticipated. One of the most interesting
amongst the antiquities of Egypt, the column known as Cleopatra's
Needle{1} is destined to raise

1 CLEOPATRA'S NEEDLE.

The Court of Common Council +
Fogrum, Botlieram, Gotham, &c. a full meeting.

Fog. (Laying down a newspaper.)
The City should be told of it.--They say
That Cleopatra's Needle's to be stuck
In front of Carlton House!

Got. They'll make the square
A pin-cushion.

Bot. No! worse--a needle-case.
Has my Lord Sidmouth sent no letter yet
To my Lord Mayor!--It should be pasted up.

Fog. 'Tis said the Deptford Sheer-hulk has been cleared
Of all its vagabonds, to bring it here.

Hot. This beats Whitechapel hollow. What's its weight?

Fog. About three hundred tons.

Bot. All solid steel?
A pond'rous weapon for a lady's handling!

Fog. No, stone with scratches on't; and here they say
They're making five-mile telescopes to read them!

But. Zounds! what a strapping hand she must have had!
Who was the sempstress?

Fog. Sir, a giantess,

About ten thousand yards--without her shoes,
Her thimble has been guessed, tho' rotten now,
To fill the place they call the Lake of Maris,
By Alexandria!--Nay, the noseless tilings
That sit upon their tails in Russell Street,
Were Cleopatra's pebbles, taws and dolls!

Bot. Why, what a monstrous thread she must have used!

Fog. The Chronicle here says--a patent twist
Of elephants' legs, and dromedaries' spines,
And buffaloes' horns!

Got. What was her favourite work?

Fog. (Rising majestically) Sir, she sewed pyramids!

All lift their hands and eyes in silence.--The Council adjourns.

~166~~ its lofty summit in Regent Place, and the western will shortly
outrival the eastern wonder of the metropolis.{1}

1 The Monument.

"Where London's column pointing to the skies,
Like a tall bull! lifts its head and lies."

"By the bye, let us once more extend our excursion to the Monument, the
day is delightful, and the atmosphere unclouded. We will approximate the
skies, and take a bird's-eye view of the metropolis." In conformity
with this suggestion the Squire submitted himself to the guidance of
his friend, and an aquatic trip being agreed on, they directed their
progress to Spring Garden Gate, and thence across the Park, towards
Westminster Bridge.

"A boat, a boat, your honour," vociferated several clamorous watermen,
all in a breath; of whose invitation Dashall took not any notice; "I
hate importunity," he observed to his friend. Passing towards the stairs
he was silently but respectfully saluted by a modest looking young man,
without the obtrusive offer of service.--"Trim your boat, my lad,"
this was the business of a moment; "now pull away and land us at the
Shades--'of Elysium,'" said the Squire, terminating the instructions
rather abruptly, of the amphibious conveyancer. "I am rather at a loss
to know," said the waterman, "where that place is, but if your honors
incline to the Shades at London Bridge, I'll row you there in the
twirling of a mop-stick." "The very spot," said Dashall, and the
waterman doffing his jacket, and encouraged to freedom by the familiar
manner of the two strangers, ~167~~ plied his oars lustily, humming, in
cadence, the old song:

"I was, d'ye see a waterman,
As tight and blythe as any,
'Twixt Chelsea town and Horsley-down,
I gain'd an honest penny."

They now glided pleasantly on the serene bosom of the Thames, and
enjoyed, in mute admiration, the beauties of a variegated prospect,
which, if equalled, is at least not excelled by any other in the
universe. On either side of this noble river, a dense mass of buildings
presented itself to the eye, and as the buoyant vehicle proceeded,
the interest of the varying scene increased in progressive proportion.
Thousands of barges skirted the margin of the lordly stream, and seemed
like dependant vassals, whose creation and existence were derived from
and sustained by the fiat of old father Thames; and imagination might
well pourtray the figure of the venerable parent of this magnificent
stream regulating its rippling wave, and riding, in the triumph of regal
sway, over his spacious domains. The grandeur of the public edifices
on the left, the numerous indications of art on the right, the active
industry on both sides, and the fairy-like boats of pleasurable
conveyance gliding to and fro', and shooting, in the distance, through
one or other of the lofty arches of Waterloo Bridge, produced an effect
imposingly grand, and was dwelt upon by our hero of Belville Hall,
particularly with mingled sensations of surprise, admiration, and
delight.

Silence had prevailed for some time, with the exception of the waterman,
who now and then carroll'd a stanza responsive to the stroke of the oar,
when the attention of his fare was drawn towards him.

"You seem to enjoy a merry life, my good friend," said the Squire.

"Ay, ay, your honour, God bless you, why should not I? At my poor home,
and your honour knows that the cottage of the peasant is equally dear to
him as is the Palace to the Prince, there is my old woman, with her five
little ones, all looking forward to the happiness of seeing me in the
evening, after the labours of the day; and to feel that one is cared
for by somebody, is a sweet consolation, amidst all our toils,--besides,
your honour, the old times are partly come round again; half-a-crown
will go farther, aye, thrice-told, now, than it did a few ~168~~years
ago;--then hang sorrow, I am a contented waterman, your honour; so
d----n the Pope, long life to King George the Fourth, and success to
the land that we live in!" "Here," said Dashall, "is an heterogeneous
mixture of prejudice, simplicity and good nature."

"You are but a young man, and cannot long have followed your present
profession.--Is it from choice that you continue it."

"Why, your honour, I served an apprenticeship to it, am not long out
of my time, and continue it as well from choice as necessity; the first
because I like it, and lastly, as our parson says, because in any other
situation I could serve neither my neighbour nor myself."

By this time the tiny bark had shot the centre arch of Waterloo; and new
scenes of interest presented themselves, in ever-varying succession, as
they proceeded towards Blackfriars. Somerset House wore, particularly,
an aspect of great and imposing effect, and not less, as they ploughed
the liquid element, was the interest excited, and the reminiscence
of the Squire brought into action by the appearance of the Temple
Gardens.--The simple, yet neatly laid out green-sward, reminded him of
the verdant slope on part of his domains at Belville Hall, but here the
resemblance finished; a diminutive, although pure and limpid rivulet
only, passed the slope alluded to, and here was a world of waters, into
which the influx of ten thousand such rivulets would produce no apparent
increase. Amidst these cogitations by the Squire, and others of an
unknown description by Dashall, the boat passed underneath Blackfriars'
Bridge, and the lofty doom of St. Paul burst upon the view of the two
associates, with gigantic majesty, and withdrew from their minds every
impression save that of the towering object in view, superseding the
consideration of all else, either present or retrospective.

"Rest on your oars," was the order now given by the two friends, and
while the waterman implicitly obeyed the mandate, they gazed with
enthusiasm, on the stupendous edifice, seen perhaps, to better advantage
from the river than from any other station, and felt proud in
their affinity to a country and countryman, capable, the former of
instituting, and the latter of carrying into effect so august an
undertaking.{1}

1 During the building of St. Paul's Church, a country
carpenter applied to the Overseer of the workmen for
employment as a carver. The Overseer smiling at the man's
temerity, hearing he had never worked in London, it was
observed by Sir Christopher Wren, who was present, who
calling the man to him, asked him what he had chiefly worked
at in the country?"Pig-troughs, &c." was his answer. "Well
then," says Sir Christopher, "let us see a specimen of your
workmanship in a sow and pigs." The man returned in a few
days, having performed his part with such exquisite skill,
that he was immediately employed; and in tine, executed some
of the most difficult parts of the Cathedral, to the great
astonishment of all that knew the circumstance. So true it
is that genius is often lost in obscurity.

169~~ Again proceeding on their way, they arrived in a few minutes, at
another amongst the many in the metropolis, of those surprising works
of public utility which reflect the highest honor on the laudable
enterprize of the present times,--the Iron Bridge, known as Southwark
Bridge, leading from the bottom of Queen Street, Cheapside to
the Borough. It is constructed of cast-iron, and, from the river
particularly, presents an appearance of elegance and magnificence;
consisting of three arches only, the spacious span of each, stretching
across the Thames in towering majesty, affords an aquatic vista equally
novel and interesting.

Gliding on the pacific wave, the "trim-built wherry" now passed under
the lofty elevation of the centre arch; and our observers were struck
with the contrast between the object of their admiration and its ancient
neighbour, London Bridge, that "nameless, shapeless bulk of stone and
lime," with its irregular narrow arches, through which the pent-up
stream rushes with such dangerous velocity.

"This gothic hulk," said the Squire, "is a deformity in the aspect of
the river." "And ought at least to be pulled down, if not rebuilt,"
added his Cousin. "Even on the principle of economy, the large and
incessant expenditure in support of this decayed structure, would
be much more profitably applied in the erection of a new bridge of
correspondent grandeur with the first metropolis in the universe; but
the citizens seem inclined to protract the existence of this heavy
fabric, as a memento of the bad taste of their progenitors."