Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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CHAPTER X

"Oh the dear pleasures of the velvet plain,
The painted Tablets, deal't and deal't again
Cards, with what rapture, and the polish'd die
The yawning chasm of indolence supply.
Then to the Dance and make the sober moon
Witness of joys that shun the sight of noon.
Blame cynic if you can, quadrille or ball,
The snug close party, or the splendid hall,
"Where night down stooping from her ebon throne
Views constellations brighter than her own.
'Tis innocent and harmless, and refined,
The balm of care, elysium of the mind."

~147~~ THE rapid succession of novelty in a Life in London where the
scenes like those of a Pantomime are constantly changing

"From grave to gay, from lively to severe,"

scarcely required those attentions which the Hon. Tom Dashall continued
to enjoy on the score of arrangements for the gratification and
information of his cousin. He was ever watchful of opportunities to
furnish new views of Real Life and character to Tallyho, and who never
failed to profit by his observations upon Men and manners: for Tom,
notwithstanding the gaiety of his disposition, was an acute and
discerning companion, who having mingled in all ranks and degrees of
Society, was able to associate himself with the high or the low, as
circumstances might require, and to form tolerably accurate estimates of
those by whom he was surrounded.

It was, therefore, with his usual view to the accomplishment of his
cousin as a votary of Real Life in London, that he had proposed a visit
to a fancy dress Ball at Almack's, and preparations had accordingly been
made between them.

"A Fancy dress Ball," said Tom, in order to give his cousin an idea
of the entertainment he was to partake, "bears some similitude to a
Masquerade, with two important exceptions: first, Masks are not general;
and second, ~148~~ No practical Jokes are expected or admitted. Dress
however, is left wholly to the taste or inclination of the visitors, and
the amusements consist principally of dancing and cards. The Rooms are
of the most splendid description, and the company generally of the first
order; combining all that is elegant and fashionable in what is termed
the higher ranks of society,--'Tis said

[Illustration: page148 Almacks]

"If once to Almacks you belong,
Like monarchs you can do no wrong.
But banish'd thence on Wednesday night,
By Jove you can do nothing right.
I hear (perhaps the story false is,)
From Almacks, that he never waltzes
With Lady Anne or Lady Biddy,
Twirling till he's in Love, or giddy.
The girl a pigmy, he a giant,
His cravat stiff, her corset pliant.
There, while some jaded couple stops,
The rest go round like humming tops.
Each in the circle with its neighbour
Sharing alternate rest and labour;
While many a gentle chaperon
As the fair Dervises spin on,
Sighs with regret that she was courted,
Ere this new fashion was imported.
Ere the dull minuet step had vanished, .
With jigs and country scrapers banished.

But ---- whose energy relaxes
No more revolves upon his axis,
As sounds of cymbal and of drum
Deep clanging from the orch'tra come,
And round him moves in radiance bright
Some beauteous beaming sattelite.
Nor ventures as the night advances,
On a new partner in French dances,
Nor his high destiny fulfilling
Through all the mazes of quadrilling,
Holds, lest the figure should be hard
Close to his nose a printed card,
Which for their special use invented,
To beaus on entrance is presented.
A strange device one must allow,
But useful as it tells them how
To foot it in their proper places,
Much better than their partners faces.

Mark how the married and the single,
In yon gay groupes delighted mingle:
Midst diamonds blazing, tapers beaming,
Midst Georges, Stars, and Crosses gleaming.
We gaze on beauty, catch the sound
Of music, and of mirth around.
And discord feels her empire ended
At Almacks--or at least suspended."

"Zounds," said Dashall, "I am happy to see the Rooms so well attended
this evening, and particularly to find Mr. Maitland and his two lovely
sisters. Do you observe," continued he, "that Gentleman in Regimentals
on the opposite side?"

"I do, and is he in the Army?" enquired Bob "No," replied Tom, "that is
only an assumed character for the Evening, but I must introduce you to
them, though the Ladies are considered to be sharp shooters with their
eyes, therefore it will be necessary for you to be on your guard."

"I've heard that by a single glance
Strange witchery is sometimes done,
And only by a look askance,
Ladies have many a lover won."

The elegant and tasteful illuminations of the Room, the sprightly sound
of the music by a well selected band, and the gay movements of the well
dressed circles, were attractive in the mind of Tallyho, and alternately
rivetted his attention, while his cousin was as frequently addressed and
congratulated by his friends.

"My Dear Tom," said Maitland, who was lounging round the Room with his
two sisters, and who seemed to consider himself the rose of the party by
the affected levity of a military character, "I am glad to see
you--'pon Honor--just going to make up a quadrille--know you are a good
dancer--list you in my Corps with Misa Maitland's permission--but can't
be denied 'pon Honor."

"That is very gallant, truly," replied a lovely and interesting girl,
his eldest sister. "With my permission, and yet he won't be denied."

"If Miss Maitland were to command," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "denial
were impossible, disobedience were disgrace and dishonor."--bowing
politely to the Ladies.

"Vastly pretty indeed Mr. Dashall, and to speak the truth I am very glad
to find you here; for you know my brother is but a nobody, except when
he shews himself off in Regimentals:" replied Miss Maitland.

~150~~ "Aye, and we want somebody to talk to," continued her sister.

"'Pon my word, this is strange ill usage," said Maitland.-"I shall
desert."

"Nay," said Tom, "there is no need of that: but if you do, the ladies
shall not be deserted while I have a hand at their service, and I
believe I may venture to offer additional protection on the part of my
Cousin."

Bob nodded assent, and assured the party he was proud of the honor
of the introduction; while Maitland eyed him from top to toe, and was
heartily laughed at by his sisters, which not a little mortified him.

"If that's the case," said he, taking out his quizzing-glass, and
staring each of them in the face in succession, "why I've nothing more
to say upon it, so come along, I am anxious for a dance." The music
just at the moment striking off, a Quadrille was formed, but the younger
sister having declined dancing, Bob, who had no great inclination
to "trip it on the light fantastic toe," had a good opportunity of
following her example, and during the dance they amused themselves with
observations on the dresses and manners of the company before them, in
the course of which he discovered that Maitland was something of the
fashionable insipid, and not very high in the general estimation of the
Ladies, and the contrast between the easy and graceful movements of the
Hon. Tom Dashall, with those of Maitland braced up in military uniform,
and dancing with the stiffness of a Halbert, afforded them high
amusement, it brought to Tallyho's recollection a French Dancing Master
in the country, who, upon the occasion of his annual Ball, perceiving a
gentleman and lady in person and figure perfectly contrasted, the latter
being short and stout, and the former tall and thin, addressed the
Gentleman in the following complimentary stile, as well as his broken
English would admit, "Ma dear sare--bien oblige--ah! ma goot sare--you
vill do me the honneur to lead off de next dance--you do dance as de
_Poker_, and your Lady she do dance as de _Butter fierke_"--(meaning
a butter firkin.) The allusions were exactly in point, and the company
within hearing, did not suffer the sarcasm to escape unnoticed. How far
the observations were well timed by the dancing master, or well received
by the loving couple, is not our business here to enquire.

~151~~ Miss Caroline Maitland was about 20 years of age, of a most
prepossessing and engaging form, fond of dress and full of vivacity with
no mean conception of her own wit or captivating powers, her attire
was elegant and shewy, almost approaching to the gaudy, rather than the
selection of refined Taste and Judgment.

Miss Amelia was about 19 with features calculated to make conquest
certain where the attack was not made on hearts of stone, the simple
modesty of her wardrobe seemed rather to indicate the thoughtful and
contemplative mind, rich in its own resources, and requiring no foil to
render conspicuous its real value, her auburn locks parted in the front,
discovered a fine well arched forehead, from under which darted
glances from her beautiful dark eyes, that when purposely directed for
observation, spoke volumes to the heart. Unadorned by the feathers
which waved in majestic splendor over the temples of her sister as
she threaded through the mazy windings of the dance, she attracted
the attention of the company in a much greater degree than the
dress-delighted Caroline. Her figure was neither well nor ill formed,
but the open and animated expression of her countenance, together with
the graces of her mind, would in the opinion of all judicious thinkers,
have been considered as a compensation for the absence of beautiful
form. Her whole appearance however, was not only pleasing, it was
prepossessing, while her manners and conversation were captivating. Bob
gazed and admired, listened and was charmed.

The Hon. Tom Dashall was at the same time fully occupied in his
attentions to the other sister, but could not occasionally help a sly
glance at Bob, indicative of the pleasure he derived from seeing his
cousin thus engaged.

The Quadrille being over, "Come," said Col. Maitland, "we must go and
have a peep at the Card Tables, and enquire how the cash moves, for you
know if your aunt is losing her money, she will be as cross as the----"

"Silence Charles," said his sister, "remember you have no occasion to
make such observations here, why you might almost as well entertain us
with a pedigree of the family, as expose the tempers and dispositions
of your relations; besides I am sure the party alluded to would feel
herself very much offended to hear such conversation in a Ball room.
It is neither a fit time or place;"--and with ~152~~ this, each of
his sisters seizing an arm, led him towards the Card Room, alternately
schooling him as they passed along, and leaving our Heroes to draw their
own conclusions from what had occurred.

"Thus it is," said Tom, "that a Commander in the field is obliged to be
an obedient in the Ball Room, he is however a very poor creature at the
best of times, and depends more upon the abilities of others than his
own for the appearance he makes in the world, and is rather to be looked
at than admired and esteemed. Here," continued he, "I shall have an
opportunity of introducing you to a character of another kind, here is
my friend Dick Distich, a logger of Rhyme, a poet and a contemplative
philosopher, he is recently married, but appears to be without his rib."

"My dear friend Dashall," exclaimed a tall thin man advancing and
catching him by the hand, "I am glad to see you, for I am bewildered and
lost."

"Good," replied Tom, "then I am very glad to have found you, what is
the Reward--are you advertised--are your manuscripts stolen, or is your
Library on Fire? Has the good woman brought forth twins or disappointed
your hopes?"

"Walk this way," replied the other, "you are a happy fellow, always
gamesome and gay, but I know you have a fellow feeling for all mankind,
and will pour the balm of pity into a wounded heart."

"Zounds," said Tom, "you attack a body with a mouthful of pity, and a
heart full of wounds at a strange time, for the introduction of such
subjects. What can you mean, probably you appear here as the knight of
'the woeful countenance, with a determination to support the character
to the end of the chapter. Why you look as melancholy as a mute, and one
would almost fancy you were making a funeral visit, instead of attending
a Mask'd

"I have enough to make me so," was the reply, "I shall be brief in my
narrative, in order that I may not interfere with your enjoyments, and
you know that mine are of another kind. I am routed from home."--

"How do you mean?"

"Thus it is then, you know I am a plain man, a quiet man, a civil and
humble man. I hate Balls and Routs, but my wife and I differ in taste.
She has determined ~153~~ on having a Rout at home, and it proves no
misnomer with me, for Heaven knows they rout me from Study to Drawing
Room, from Drawing Room to Chamber, and all because truly my little
woman must have her party."

"And why not?" enquired Tom.

"Why man for this reason, you must know I had myself the sweetest
little sanctuary in the world. I had gothicised my Study, its walls
were painted in imitation of oak, my books were arranged with the
most unauthor-like neatness, my prints hung, my casts and models all
bracketed, and all have vanished like the

--baseless fabric of a vision."

"And is this your misery," said Tom, "upon my soul I began to think you
had lost your wife; but it seems you have only lost your wits. What the
devil did you expect when you joined issue--to live as you have done
like a hermit in a cell? Well if this is all I do pity you indeed."

"But you have not heard half yet. The whole house is transformed."

"And I think you ought to be reformed," continued Tom.

Notwithstanding the lightness and satire with which our Hero appeared to
treat the subject, poor Distich was not to be stayed in his course.

"Ah!" said he, with a sigh, "In vain did Cicero strain his neck to
peep over Burke on the Sublime and Beautiful--Shakespeare beard Blair's
Sermons and Humphrey Glinkert or Milton's sightless balls gleam over Sir
Walter Scott's Epics--all, all, is chaos and misrule. Even my greenhouse
over my head which held three ci-devant pots of mignonette, one decayed
mirtle, a soi-disant geranium and other exotics, which are to spring
out afresh in the summer--my shrubs are clapped under my couch, and
my evergreens stuck over the kitchen fire place, are doomed to this
unpropitious hot-bed, in order to make room for pattens, clogs, cloaks,
and shawls, for all the old maids in Town."

Tom bit his lip to stifle a laugh, and treading lightly on the toe of
his cousin, had so strongly excited Tallyho's risibility, that it was
with difficulty he resisted the momentary impulse.

The routed Benedict continued--"Our Drawing Room, ~154~~which
conveniently holds ten persons, is to be the black hole for thirty--My
study, dear beloved retreat, where sonnets have been composed and novels
written--this spot which just holds me and my cat, is to be the scene of
bagatelle, commerce, or any thing else that a parcel of giggling girls
may chuse to act in it,--my statues are converted--Diabolus is made to
hold a spermaceti candle, while the Medicean nymph, my Apollo Belvidere,
and my dancing fawn, being too bulky to move, are adorned with aprons
of green silk, because forsooth Betty says they are vastly undecent with
nothing on them, and my wife is quite certain "that no one will visit
us, unless we do as other people do." Alas! until the success of my last
poem, we never cared about other people, and I am now absolutely turned
out, to make room for them, and advised to come here to-night in order
to prepare myself for the approaching festivity."

Dashall was unable to contain himself longer, and Bob, who had been for
some time stuffing his white cambric handkerchief into his mouth, could
no longer resist the laugh he had been trying to avoid. They look'd
alternately at each other, and then at the doleful complainant, who with
unaltered features sat for a moment between his laughing companions,
till perceiving the ridiculous situation he was in, he rose from his
seat and hastily left the room.

Our friends then took a further survey of the company without making
any additional remark except upon the view of the various elegant and
tasteful dresses exhibited, the grace and agility of the dancers, and
the brilliance of the decorations, when supper was announced.

Moving onward to the Supper Room, they again encountered poor Distich,
who although he had no relish for the generality of the amusements,
declared he would not quit till he had supped: after which, Tom
determined if possible to drive away the blue devils, who seemed to
have occupied his brain. For this purpose he listened to his additional
complaints, and filling his glass at every pause, became lively and
agreeable, as the toast was circulated, till the invigorating effects
of the bottle sunk him again, and at length putting him into a hackney
coach, they dispatched him in good order to his Rib; after which they
took their departure towards Piccadilly.~155~~

CHAPTER XI

"I be one of they sailors who think 'tis no lie
That for every wherefore there should be a why,
That by fortune's strange weather a calm or a squall,
Our births, good or bad are chalk'd out for us all:
That the stays and the braces of Life will be found
To be some of 'em rotten, and some of 'em sound.
Thus the good we should cherish, the bad never seek,
For death will too soon bring each anchor apeak."

IT was half past eleven o'clock before our friends approaching the
breakfast parlour, had an opportunity of congratulating each other on
the amusements of the previous evening, when the Hon. Tom Dashall ever
upon the active look-out for the most pleasureable amusements to occupy
the mind and attention of his cousin, observing it was a very tine
morning, proposed a ride to Greenwich, and with this object in view all
being prepared, it was not long before they were seated in the curricle.

"Greenwich," said Tom, "is not a very long journey, nor do I know,
speaking of the town itself, independent of its surrounding attractions,
particularly to be admired, though it is a neat town, about five miles
from London Bridge, in the county of Kent, with a market on Wednesdays
and Saturdays. It is however, famous for an hospital for decayed Seamen,
the brave defenders of their native soil, who have fought and bled for
their king and country; thought to be the finest structure of the kind
in the world, and for an observatory built by Charles II. on the summit
of a hill, called Flamstead Hill, from the great astronomer of that
name, who was here the first astronomer Royal: and we compute the
longitude from the meridian of this place. It is also a place of great
resort at holiday time, for being so near London. The Lads and Lasses
move off in groups to Greenwich fair, and the amusements at those times
are of so varying a kind as almost to defy description.

"The hills and dales are lined
With pretty girls all round."

~156~~And there are but few who have had an opportunity, but have
occasionally enjoyed a roll down this hill. The roads leading to the
sporting spot are to be seen clogged with coaches, carts, and waggons,
decorated with laurel, and filled with company, singing their way down
or up to participate in the frolics of Greenwich fair. It is however,
much more celebrated for its once having been a Royal Palace, in which
Edward VI. died, and Queen Mary and Queen Elizabeth were born. On a part
of the site of it, now stands the house belonging to the Ranger of the
Park at Greenwich, also a College called the Duke of Norfolk's College,
for the maintenance of 20 decayed Housekeepers, and another called Queen
Elizabeth's, as well as a Royal Naval asylum for the orphans of Sailors
and Marines; and although we are going down when there is no fair to
attract multitudes to the spot, I can still promise you more solid
entertainment in a review of these truly splendid and useful national
establishments, besides which, the town affords plenty of good
accommodation for refreshment and comfort."

By this time they had passed Westminster Bridge on their road. Bob
thanked his cousin for the information he had imparted, but as the
objects and subjects directly under his eye generally engrossed his
immediate attention, he could not resist the impulse of the moment,
as they turned the corner of the asylum wall, to remark that he had
witnessed in many instances before, a practice which appeared in and
about London, of chalking the walls, and perceiving in large letters
"Dr. Eady 32 Dean Street Soho," enquired what was meant by it.

"That," replied his cousin, "is one of the most ingenious modes of
advertising, hit upon in the Metropolis, and the Doctor at all events
deserves credit for the industry and perseverance he has manifested
in making his name known. It is not altogether new, for it has been
successfully practiced in popular elections. Men are sent out at night
to chalk the names of Candidates on walls and other places, to keep
their interest alive; but in all probability no one has ever before
carried the system to so great a length as this Doctor Eady, for it
is scarcely possible to travel ten miles round the metropolis without
meeting with his name, which naturally excites enquiry into the object
and pretensions of the chalked up Hero. You will also find in many cases
that the proprietor of the Bonassus has ~157~~lately adopted the same
system. It is a species of puffing which can hardly fail of producing
notoriety, and I have before observed, it matters but little to the
parties themselves by what means this is produced save and except the
avoidance of expence."

"It is a curious scheme however," replied Bob, "and I have two or three
times before intended to enquire its meaning."

"There are numerous instances," returned Tom, "in which the
eccentricities of an individual have blown him into notice, and puff'd
fortune into his pocket. Packwood of Gracechurch street, had many whims
and fancies, and acted upon the idea, that when a man's name is once up,
he may go to bed, or take a nod elsewhere. By making razor strops and
a certain paste for sharpening razors, he pasted his name on public
credulity, and pocketed the proceeds. His advertisements were frequently
laughable, and he caught his customers in their risible moments, wisely
taking care never to laugh himself, 'till he had realized the possibles.
I remember in the year 1807, he published a book, price "Two good Tower
shillings," containing his advertisements, entitled "Packwood's whim,
Packwoodiana, or the Goldfinches nest, or the way to get money and be
happy." And to make the publication worth the money, and that there
might be no grumbling, An half crown was according to the title-page,
placed between the leaves."

"That was no laughing matter, however," said Bob, "he could not have got
rich by such means."

"You must not trust the title-pages of books," replied Tom, "no more
than the advertisements of Quacks, or the looks of persons. The half
crown was not visible, or at least not tangible. It proved to be an
anecdote related in the work. He however managed to circulate many
copies, and it is generally understood, gained considerable money by his
pursuits. He has left the benefit of his invention to his daughter, who
now lives in Bride Lane, Fleet Street. But a more prominent character of
recent times was the late celebrated Martin Van Butchell, whose name and
fame are well known to Newspaper readers, and whose personal appearance
at all times, excited in London the attention of the spectators. He was
rather a tall man with a very long beard, and used to ride a short pony
sometimes, spotted all over with a variety of colours."

~158~~ "He must have cut a curious figure," said Bob, "certainly, but
what building have we here?"

"That," replied his communicative cousin, "is The New Bethlem for the
care and cure of lunatics. Bethlem was formerly situated on the South
side of Moorfields, but as that building was hastening to decay, this
elegant receptacle for its inmates has been prepared. It is not a little
curious to remark, that it now occupies a part of that ground which was
formerly devoted to mirth and revelry, The Dog and Duck Tea Gardens,
the scene of many a frolic. The structure was designed by Mr. Lewis, and
executed at an expence of L95,000. It is 580 feet in length, and capable
of receiving in this front 200 patients. Another line of building
extending to the South, is designed to admit an equal number, as well as
60 lunatics, the charge of which latter department, exclusively belongs
to Government. The ground around it, occupying twelve acres, is devoted
to the exercise of the patients."