Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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~135~~ Sir Felix O'Grady was all a-gog to learn from the postillions the
names of the party, but nothing satisfactory could be elicited.

Our trio now directed their progress along Holborn, in which route they
had advanced but a few minutes when their attention was arrested by
a concourse of people assembled at the door of a Linen-draper, who
it seems had detected a thief in the person of a pregnant woman.
This information excited the sympathy of our three friends, and they
accordingly entered the Shop. Tallyho entreated of the Linen-draper,
that he would be merciful to the unfortunate woman, in consideration of
her being so far in a family way.

"And yet, sir," answered the Shopkeeper, "I fancy we shall be able to
relieve the lady without the assistance of a midwife." The woman was
then taken into a back room and searched by two of her own sex. The
result ~136~~of this investigation was soon made known.--The pregnancy
was assumed, the better to evade suspicion; her under garments were
completely lined with hooks, to which were suspended, in vast variety,
articles of stolen property, including not only those of light weight,
viz. handkerchiefs, shawls, stockings, &c. but several of less portable
description, amongst which were two pieces of Irish linen. These
articles she had conveyed through an aperture in her upper habiliment of
sufficient dimensions to admit an easy access to the general repository.
The ingenuity of this invention created much surprise, and as it greatly
facilitated concealment and evaded detection, there is no doubt of its
having frequently produced a rich harvest. This female adept was now
committed to the charge of an officer, the Shopkeeper having identified
upon her person several articles of stolen property.

CHAPTER IX

Ladies,--the chariot waits;--the toilet now
Where erst so many hours were idly spent,
Asks of its wonted due the tythe alone;--
Braid then your tresses of luxuriant now,
And wrap your forms angelic in the dress
Simple, yet rich and elegant, that gives
Your matchless beauties half revealed to view;
The broad capacious bosom's luscious swell,
Still heaving strong, and suing to be prest;--
Grace then the vehicle.--We, observers
Of Real Life, the while, in London go
To "catch the living manners as they rise,
"And give the age its very form and pressure."

~137~~ CONTINUING their route down Holborn, the adventure in the
Linen-draper's shop became the theme of conversation.--"It is not
alone," said Dashall, "to the lower orders and necessitous that this
system of Shop-lifting is confined; many recent instances have occurred
of similar depredation, by women above the mediocrity of rank, who,
however, frequently contrive to compromise prosecution, while the
delinquent of poverty is visited by the utmost rigor of the law!--Of the
two, certainly the thief from habit is more culpable than the thief from
necessity."

Sir Felix and the Squire entirely agreed with their friend in
opinion.--"Shop-lifters," continued Dashall, "are as pernicious to the
trading part of the community as any of the cheats of London; there is
not, on a moderate calculation, less than 5000 of these artful thieves
in the metropolis, and the prejudice they do to the industrious
tradesman is incalculable."

"By the powers of safety, then," exclaimed the baronet "the
honest dealer should consider every stranger a thief until further
acquaintance."

"Not exactly so; however, it is necessary that the London tradesman
should be upon his guard, and keep ~138~~ a sharp look out upon his
customers, not knowing, by their appearance, whether they are honest or
otherwise."{1}

Turning from Holborn into Chancery Lane, our pedestrians were
encountered by a very handsome chariot, in which were two elegantly
dressed and beautiful women, who, ordering the carriage to stop,
saluted Dashall and the Squire in the most fascinating terms of friendly
recognition.

"Your Ladyships render me," said Dashall, "infinite happiness; this is a
most unexpected pleasure!"

"You are a gallant cavalier," observed one of the lovely inmates,
"another gentleman would probably have used the word honor instead of
happiness, but you are fertile in felicitous expression."

"Not more felicitous than appropriate; but whither away, my fair
captivators?"

"We are on a shopping expedition," replied one of the ladies, "you
and your friend of Belville-hall, are observers of Life in London
generally;--ours is a mere circumscribed sphere of action; we go to
view Life in a Mercer's shop.--When the Squire and you are not more
pleasantly engaged, give us a call, and perhaps we may grant you the
honor of an interview.--We would ask the Unknown," said she, in a
whisper, "who is he?"

1 A thief from habit.--Not long since, there existed in
the fashionable world, a female of rank and property, who
was an habitual, expert, and incorrigible thief.--She would
frequently sally forth in her carriage, and alighting at the
doors of perhaps, half a dozen different tradesmen, rummage
over their goods, without mak-ing a purchase, and embrace
the opportunity of purloining any portable article that lay
in her way. Those tradesmen to whom her thieving
propensities were known, used to watch, carefully, her
manoeuvres, let her walk off with the spoil, and then send a
bill of depredation, which she uniformly, and without
hesitation, dis-charged. This unfortunate woman was one
morning detected in the shop of a Mercer to whom she was a
stranger, in the act of pilfering some article of value. He
was about to detain her, when she burst into an agony of
tears, acknowledged, and lamented deeply, the irresistible
infatuation under which she acted, disclosed her rank and
family, and the compassionate mercer suffered her to depart.

At another time, being one of a card-party, a gold snuff-box
vanished from the table. Every person present denied any
knowledge of it;--"Madam, you are mistaken," said one of the
company, "you have got the snuff-box in your pocket."--"How
very _absent_ I am!"exclaimed our heroine, producing the
box.--"And I beg that you will continue absent!" said the
lady of the mansion.

~139~~ "Sir Felix O'Grady, Madam," answered Dashall, "an Irish baronet,
of recent acquaintance; like every other gentleman of the Emerald Isle,
combining, with characteristic eccentricity, a sound head and a warm
heart."

"Then, of all things, bring him with you." "So," waving gracefully her
hand, "adieu!" the trio responded, by respectfully raising their hats,
"_Allons donc_," she exclaimed, and the carriage drove off.

"There go," exclaimed Dashall, "two of the most lovely and accomplished
women in London, and perhaps the least tinctured with fashionable
folly."

"With the exception," observed the Squire, "of shopping, that is, I
presume, making the morning tour of tradesmen's shops, tumbling over
their goods, giving them every possible trouble, and ultimately making
no purchase."{1}

Dashall admitted the correctness of the Squire's observation, as
generally applicable, but claimed an exemption for the ladies in
question.

On the left, proceeding down Chancery Lane, Dashall pointed to a
respectable house as the occasional residence of a lady in the first
class of literature, whose writings have given universal satisfaction,
and will continue to be read with increased avidity, as conveying the
most admirable lessons of morality, told in a manner alike impressive
and pathetic;--Mrs. Op*e; the widow of the late celebrated artist. This
excellent woman is endeared to the circle of her numerous acquaintance
by a pre-eminent

1 Tallyho had improved in his knowledge of Real Life in
London.--His definition of Shopping was perfectly correct.

One of those fashionable female idlers, who delight in
occupying the time, and exercising the patience of the
industrious, alighted, a short time since, at the shop of a
tradesman in Ludgate-street, and after a couple of hours
spent in examining and re-examining a variety of rich silks,
made her election at last, and desired the mercer to cut her
off a shilling's worth, throwing, at the same time, the
money on the counter. The tradesman, with perfect coolness,
took up the piece of coin, laid it on a corner of the silk,
circum-scribed it with his scissors, and presented the part
so cut out to the lady, as the shilling's worth required. We
feel pleasure in recording the result. The lady admired the
mercer's equanimity of temper, laughed heartily at his
manner of illustrating it, and in atonement for trouble
given and patience exemplified, became, and still continues,
one of his most valued customers.

~140~~ suavity of disposition, blended with superior mental endowments;
to the unfortunate by her benevolent heart, to which the appeal of
distress is never made in vain; and to the public generally, by her
invaluable works, the uniform tendency of which is the advancement of
virtue and the inculcation of the benign feelings of humanity.{1}

1 To the admirers of Mrs. Op*e, the following lines, never
before published, will not prove unacceptable.

TRIBUTE OF RESPECT.
O Thou of matchless power to raise
And bend the Passions to thy sway I--
Whose pen with magic force portrays,
Whose spell the shadowy forms obey.
Of Joy and Grief, of Hope and Fear,
And wiles from Apathy a tear,--
Enchantress! take the duteous lays
To Worth that Admiration pays.

To thee, as to thy Op*e, given
On Immortality a claim;
His virtues pass'd from Earth to Heaven,
Yet still exist in deathless fame;--
His pencil to thy pen assign'd
To charm, instruct, and grace mankind!--
And Oh! could but my humble strains
To thy impressive skill aspire,
The Muse that faintly now sustains
Thy worth, would make poetic fire,
And glowing high, with fervid name,
Would graft her honors on thy name.--

But ah! bereft of every stay,
From Hope exil'd, with Woe I keep
My vigils, each sad sorrowing day,
And wake, each dreary night, to weep!--
By Penury chill'd poetic powers,
No voice to soothe, no hand to save,
And snatch a victim from the grave,--
Around me Desolation lours,
And glaring, midst the deep'ning gloom,
Despair and Famine urge me to the tomb!

If, all unmeet, my humble strain
Is destin'd still to flow in vain;--
Shouldst thou the tribute now refuse
Essayed by Misery and the Muse;
Reject not yet the lay with scorn,
To thee by kindred feelings borne;--
For still thy tales of plaintive tone
Breathe pain and sufferings, like mine own.

~141~~ Facing the entrance to the Royal Wax Works, Sir Felix made a full
stop;--"That fellow," said he, alluding to the whole length figure of
the Centinel, "stands as motionless as a statue; by the powers, but
half-a-dozen peep-o-day boys in his rear would be after putting life and
mettle in his heels!--Shoulder and carry your arms, you spalpeen; and
is this the way that you show the position of a soldier?" at same time
enforcing his admonition with a smart stroke of his cane over the arm
of the inanimated military representative. The attendant, a young man
in the costume of the Yeomen of the Guards, remonstrated; Dashall and
Tallyho laughed most immoderately; and the baronet, equally enjoying the
joke, persisted in affecting to believe, that he was addressing himself
to a living object, greatly to the amusement of the now congregating
street passengers.

"Begging your pardon, ray jewel," continued Sir Felix, "long life and
good luck to you, in your stationary quarters, and may His Majesty never
find a more active enemy than yourself!--By the soul of my grandmother,
it would be well for poor Ireland, who has taken leave of her senses, if
her bog-trotting marauders were as peaceably inclined as you are.--Fait
and troth, but you're a fine looking lad after all, and with the
assistance of your master, and a touch of Prometheus, we might raise
a regiment of braver fellows than the King's Guards, without bounty or
beat of drum, in the twinkling of an eye, honey; but with your leave,
and saving yourself unnecessary trouble, we'll be after paying a visit
to the company above stairs; "and the party proceeded to the exhibition
room.--

Here were representatives of the living and mementos of the dead! Kings
and Queens, Princes and Princesses,

Ah! cease the sad resemblance here!--
Thee, then, to every feeling dear
Of tender sympathy,--thy way
Illumin'd to life's remotest day.
In bliss, in worth, in talent shine,
Though pain, and want unsuccour'd, mine!
Adorning this terrestrial sphere,
Be long an Op*e's talents given;
And Virtue consecrate the tear
When call'd to join her native Heaven!

A. K.

~142~~ warriors, statesmen, poets, and philosophers, in social
communion: not forgetting the lady who had three hundred and sixty-five
children at a birth!!{1}

The baronet made many congees to the great and inferior personages by
whom he was surrounded, admired the heterogeneity of the group, and
regretted that their imperfect creation precluded the possibility of
converse.

One of the figures, by an unobserved excitement of the attendant,
now inclined its head to Sir Felix, who, nothing daunted, immediately
assumed the attitude of Macbeth in the banquet scene, and exclaimed,

"Nay, if thou canst nod, speak too! if our graves And charnel houses
give those we bury back, Our monuments shall be the maws of kites."

The company present pronounced the baronet a player, and a lady, to whom
the manly and athletic form of the supposed tragedian had given apparent
pleasure, assured him she had never heard the passage more impressively
delivered, and that certainly, in the character of the Scottish Usurper,
there was no doubt of his becoming to Mr. Kran a very formidable rival!

Sir Felix sustained his part admirably, expressing his high
acknowledgment of the lady's favorable opinion; but the enquiry when and
in which theatre, he meant to make his first appearance, had so nearly
deranged his gravity and that of his two friends, as to induce them to
hasten their retreat.

Dashall and Tallyho congratulated the baronet on his promising dramatic
talent, and advised him still further to court the favors of the tragic
Muse.

"May the devil burn the tragic Muse!" he exclaimed;

1 Thus runs the legend.--

A lady in former times, who, it seems, like some of our
modern visionaries, was an enemy to superabundant
population, and would have restricted the procreation of
children to those only who could maintain them; was applied
to for alms by a poor woman, with no less than five little
famishing urchins in her train. The haughty dame not only
refused to relieve the unfortunate mendicant, but poured
upon her a torrent of abuse, adding that she had no right to
put herself in the way of having children whom she could not
support.--The woman dropped on her knees, and prayed "that
the lady might have as many children at one birth as there
were days in the year!" and so, (as the legend runs,) it
actually happened!

~143~~ "Arrah, give me the favors of that sweet pretty crature, the
comical Muse at the Wax-works, who took me for a player,--Och! the
fascination of her smile and the witchery of her eye before all the
Muses that ever fuddled the brain of a garreteer!"

"Why baronet," said the Squire, "you are love-struck,--deeply
lurched,--taken in by the knowing one!"

"Taken in, that is as it may hereafter happen, but an Irishman, my
jewel, is never so desperately in love with one girl but he can spare a
bit of affection for another.

"Sure love is the soul of a nate Irishman,
He loves all that's lovely, loves all that he can
With his sprig of shilleleagh and shamrock so green."--

The three friends had now rounded the corner at the bottom of
Fleet-street, in the direction of Blackfriars, when Dashall claimed the
attention of his associates.--

"This is the domicil," said he, "of the patriotic Alderman, who, during
so many years has uniformly and ably opposed the civic hirelings of
Corruption, advocated the cause of Freedom, and acquired the well-earned
meed of high estimation by all the respectable and independent portion
of his fellow-citizens.

"Firm in principle, and resolute in difficulty, the conscientious
discharge of his duty has ever been his prominent object. But perhaps in
no instance has he so greatly endeared himself to humanity, than in that
of the long protracted inquest on the bodies of the two unfortunate
men, Honey and Francis, the victims of military outrage; his constant
attendance and indefatigable exertions on that occasion, were the means
of eliciting many particulars which otherways might not have been known,
and which ultimately led the Jury to record the atrociousness of the
crime by the several verdicts of murder and manslaughter.

"Again, on the memorable day of the funeral of these two immolated men,
Mr. W. in his capacity of Sheriff, supported with becoming dignity, his
high station, and undaunted amidst imminent danger, enforced obedience
even from the military, and saved the effusion of human blood."

London exhibits, daily, a series of depravity perhaps unparalleled in
any other part of the British Empire.--

~144~~ Dashall had just finished his eulogium on the worthy Alderman,
in which his friends heartily coincided, when the attention of the
triumvirate was attracted by the appalling appearance of five men
rivetted together, and conducted along the street by officers of
justice. Tallyho enquired into the nature of their crimes, and was
informed that they were in custody under suspicion of house-breaking in
the night-time, and that two of them, particularly, had been taken in
the house which they had plundered, regaling themselves, in perfect
ease, with cold meat, wine, and liquors, and the stolen property tied up
in a bag, with which, on the moment of alarm, they attempted an escape,
but were intercepted in their retreat, and taken in charge by the
officers after a desperate resistance, in which shots and hurts were
received both by the victors and the vanquished. It is almost beyond
belief, that men engaged in an enterprise wherein ignominious death
awaits discovery, would sit down to regale themselves after having
secured their booty, with as much composure, as if in their own homes;
yet so it is; such is the daring callousness of mind attached to long
confirmed and successful habits of guilt.{1}

1 Police. Mansion House.--William Johnson was charged by Mr.
Miller of Lower Thames Street, on suspicion of having com-
mitted a robbery on Thursday night, under circumstances of
rather an extraordinary kind.. Mr. Miller's evidence was to
the following effect. He has a cut glass and earthenware
warehouse in Thames Street, but does not reside there. Upon
visiting his warehouse yesterday morning, he found that
thieves had been very busy upon the concern the night
before. They did not get much, but while they were in the
house they enjoyed themselves. They lighted a fire, and paid
a visit to the wine-cellar, from which they took two bottles
of wine and three bottles of perry, which it seemed they
drank warm with sugar, and Mr. Miller received a very polite
letter from one of them, acknowledging the obligations they
were under to him for the excellent beverage his cellar
afforded. Upon examining other parts of the premises. Mr.
Miller found that his iron chest had been forced open. The
instrument (a large chissel) with which this feat was
performed was lying on the premises, and a dark lanthorn,
which the thieves had forgotten, was also picked up in the
course of the search. The petty cash drawers of the iron
chest lay open empty, but Mr. Miller believed there had been
in them when he left the Warehouse, a sum perhaps not
exceeding a couple of pounds. The bills and papers were not
taken away, neither had any thing been removed that was
likely to be recovered. Some silver cruet-tops were taken,
but the cruets were left behind. The chissel, which,
though very strong, had been broken in the effort to open
the chest, was of the largest size. All the rooms of the
building, except those in front, had been visited by the
depredators, and there were various circumstances concurring
to fix a very strong suspicion on the prisoner, besides the
probability that he was the writer of the letter "of thanks"
to Mr. Miller for the entertainment afforded. The letter,
which was written in a good hand, began with the word
"Gemmen," and stated that they (the writer and his friends)
had called, regretted that there was no "_wassel in the
lob_," (money in the chest) but expressed the highest
opinion of the wine, begged pardon for disturbing the
papers, and expressed how happy those who drank the wine
would be to visit the premises upon a future occasion! The
prisoner was remanded.

~145~~ It sometimes happens that even juvenile depredators who have
imbibed a propensity for liquor, have been caught in the snare thus
laid by themselves. Of this fact Dashall gave the following very curious
illustration.--"A few evenings ago," said he, "the family of my next
door neighbour retired to rest, leaving every thing, as they imagined,
in a state of perfect security. On the servant however, coming down
stairs in the morning, he was surprised to find a new and unexpected
inmate, fast asleep in the kitchen, a quantity of plate packed up lay by
his side, and before him were a bottle of brandy and another of wine.
He was a lad not more than sixteen years of age, who had ingeniously
contrived, in the nighttime, to get access to the house, and having
secured his spoil, had resorted to the pantry and wine-cellar for
refreshment. Of the stores from the latter receptacle, he had partaken
so liberally that he was thrown into a deep slumber, from which he was
roused by the unwelcome voice of the Officer who had been sent for to
take him into custody."

Our perambulators had now passed along the bridge, and advanced a short
distance on Blackfriar's road, when they observed a spacious travelling
caravan, stationary by the side of the high way, intimating that there
was to be seen within, the great northern bear, known by the name of
"Autocrat of All the Russias," while a fellow with a speaking tube
invited in the most alluring terms of itinerant oratory, the gaping
multitude to walk in,--"Walk in, ladies and gentlemen, and behold
this most wonderous of all wonders that ever was wondered at in this
wonderful world,--the _Ursa major_,--that gives its name to one of
the constellations, and was taken by a _ruse de guerre_ in one of the
hitherto undiscovered deserts of the remotest Siberia! This stupendous
animal was sent from these unknown regions as a present to a certain
great personage in this country, who having a superabundancy of native
bears already prowling about him, was pleased to order the dismission
of this northern stranger, without a pension; and thus it came into the
possession of its present exhibiter!"

~146~~ This irresistible invitation was accepted by several of the
auditory, including the baronet, Dashall, and the Squire, who were
gratified beyond their anticipations, with a sight of the great polar
bear, the desolate inhabitant of a frigid and dismal clime, where
Nature has forbid the vegetative, and stinted the growth of the animal
creation, with the exception of the shaggy wanderer of the desert
and the floundering leviathan of the ocean. The animal was perfectly
tractable; and its exhibition well compensated both for time and
gratuity.

The proprietor, however, in answer to an enquiry apart by Dashall,
acknowledged that his Ursine companion had never been attached to the
household of any great personage; although a northern quadruped of
lesser interest was under the protection of one of the Royal Dukes and
frequently played its mischievous gambols in the environs of Kensington
Palace.{1}

1 The Bear at Kensington Palace. Early on Sunday morn-ing it
was discovered, that a large black bear, sent as a present
to His Royal Highness the Duke of Sussex, had contrived to
break out of his cage, which was placed in a coach-house,
and Bruin, having an inclination to explore these premises,
containing a hand-some new chariot, mounted the foot-board,
and began to play with the tassels; he next ascended the
roof and the box, the covering of which became a prey to his
claws; after enjoying himself as an outside passenger, as
long as he thought proper, he proceeded to examine the
interior of the vehicle, and turning from the box, made his
entre through the front windows into the carriage, which
bore serious marks of his savage curiosity. No one dared to
approach this northern visitor, and in order to prevent
further depredations in his probable rambles, guards were
placed, with fixed bayonets, until some keepers arrived from
a Menagerie, who secured him, after great difficulty, in one
of their strong cages.