Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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~125~~ The Squire observed, that the brilliant victories of his Grace,
although acknowledged and rewarded by all the Potentates of Europe, had
not procured him much popularity at home. The remark was confessed by
Dashall to be correct, but whence the public indifference originated, he
could not presume to explain.

Crossing Hyde Park, which a celebrated physician denominated _the lungs
of the Metropolis_, our pedestrians made their egress into Oxford-road.
This fine street, with longitudinal reference the first in London,
excited the admiration of the baronet; the long line of perspective
indeterminable to the view, stretching from Hyde Park corner to St.
Giles's, the general uniformity of the buildings, the neatness, and in
many instances the splendor of the tradesmen's shops, together with the
comfortable manner of their perambulation, unjostled and unimpeded by
the hurry, throng and bustle of passengers, with which ~126~~ many other
parts of the Town are annoyed, gave an additional zest of enjoyment to
the trio in their excursion, while the Squire observed, that he felt in
this part of the Town, always as if he had been suddenly removed to
some other region of the world, far remote from the city of London, its
dissonant uproar, and crowded inconveniences.

Turning into Blenheim street, Dashall apprized his companions, that if
they felt inclined to take a peep into the Theatre of Anatomy, he could
procure their admission.

The Squire seemed to recoil from so disgusting an exhibition; while
on the other hand the baronet expressed a great desire to enter the
theatre. "I have been used to murder and mutilation!" said he.

"The devil you have!" ejaculated the Squire, "where, how?"

"Where else should it be but in Ireland?" replied the baronet:--"and as
to the how, was it not, sure, after the manner of my profession, while I
was a member of a Corps of Yeoman Cavalry, during the rebellion, when we
whipped, hanged, beheaded, and mutilated men, every day, by dozens! So
you may guess, my good ~127~~friend, that cutting up a human carcase
is nothing new to me. Only now, I should like to see if there is any
difference in the mangling of human bodies by the anatomical artists
of London from the ci-devant military professors, "The Loyal Troop of
Doneraile."

The hesitation manifested by the Squire yielded, ultimately, to the
importunity of the baronet, and they entered the human shambles, where
the cutters up were at work upon a subject, securing to themselves the
advantage of personal experience, in the process of dissection; the
abdomen had been already cleared out, and the corpse was portioned out
to the different students of anatomy for the purpose of illustration;
the arms to one class, the legs to another, the head to a third, &c. so
that in less than a quarter of an hour, decapitation and dismemberment
were completely effected; and the trunk was deserted, as an
uninteresting object, from which there could not be derived any
information of importance, further than that which the students had
already obtained!!!

Sir Felix whispered his friends, that these adepts in human mutilation
far exceeded in apathy of feeling and adroitness of execution, even the
ci-devant Loyal Troop of Doneraile!--But when one of the young artists
brought forward in his hands smeared with gore, a human heart for the
operation of the dissecting knife, Tallyho declaring that he could bear
it no longer, rushed out of the theatre, and was followed by his two
companions, all disgusted with this spoliation of the dead, however
conducive it might prove to the interests of the living.{1}

1 The human subjects for these Theatres of Anatomy and
private dissection, are chiefly supplied by
"Resurrectionists;" a class of depraved wretches whose only
employment is that of body-snatching, or robbing the graves
of their dead; from which they derive a ready and lucrative
emolument. The anatomists are ready at all hours to receive,
without questions asked, and with prompt remuneration, the
produce of these unsanctified depredations.--Dreadful must
be the feelings of the fond relatives of a departed friend,
to learn that the sanctuary of the grave has been violated,
and the body of perhaps a beloved wife, sister, or other
revered female, exposed to the gaze, and subjected to the
scalping-knife, of these butchers.

Iron Coffins have been resorted to as a safe-guard, which
once closed cannot be opened. For this improvement the
artist obtained a patent; but he is not likely to derive
much advantage from his invention, as the parish officers
within the bills of mortality have generally refused the
rites of sepulture to bodies cased in iron; alleging, that
the almost imperishable material would shortly compel an
enlargement of burying ground, at a vast expence, which it
is the duty of the parish officers to prevent, by resisting
the interment of bodies in iron coffins; and this resolution
has lately had the sanction of legal authority.

~128~~

Proceeding along Oxford Street, Sir Felix enquired for the _Holy Land_,
informing his friends, at same time, that his servant, whom he had
entrusted the preceding day with a cheque on his banker, had not been
at home all night, and the probability was, that he had got amongst
his Munster friends in Palestine. Sir Felix was therefore desirous of
ascertaining, if possible, the sanctuary of the fugitive; and with
that view requested his friends to accompany him in a perambulation of
discovery, through (to him) these hitherto unexplored regions.--This
application was readily assented to, and the triumvirate passed onwards
to the place of destination.

They had now reached the Church of St. Giles in the Fields, situated in
Broad Street, St. Giles's; and their attention was immediately directed
to that fine piece of sculpture over the iron gateway, leading into
the Church-yard, representing the Resurrection and Last Judgment. The
figures are in _basso relievo_, and although diminutive, are admirably
grouped, and the expression of each gives to the whole a finished and
impressive effect.

Two minutes more, and the three friends were on the boundaries of the
Holy Land, namely, George Street, or, as formerly cognomened, Dyott
Street, Bloomsbury.

At the end of this street, next to St. Giles's, were several of the
Lower Irish, of both gender, who, clustering together, seemed to hold
a close confabulation, casting occasionally, an inquisitive eye on Sir
Felix O'Grady.

"By the soul of the priest!" at last exclaimed one of the Munster
emigrees, "but it is him, and I would take my davy on it;--but sure
enough, I will ax the jontleman himself now, whether he knows who he is,
or if he is any body at all, at all!"

This real representative of the tag-rag and bob-tail of the Emerald
Isle, was arrayed in the appropriate costume of his class and country.
A nameless something that had once been a hat, covered a shock head of
hair; the redundancy of which protuberated sideways and perpendicularly,
~129~~from the ci-devant castor, in many a knotty combination,
impervious to wind and weather. The fragments of a loose great coat
decorated his tall athletic form, which scarcely reaching his knees,
exposed fully to observation his nether habiliment,--

"His galligaskins, that had long withstood
The winter's fury and encroaching frost
By Time subdued,--what will not Time subdue,
Now horrid rents disclosed, portending agues."

His brawny legs were partially cased in worsted hose, the dilapidations
of wear and tear ingeniously repaired with cloth, pieced and patched,
and comprising all the prismatic colours of the rainbow; his toes,
disdaining the trammels of duress, peeped through his brogues, as if
anxious for freedom; and to complete the singularity of this strange
figure, his vacant face was incrusted with filth, his bristly beard
unshorn,--

And stuck in his mouth of capacious dimensions,
That never to similar shape had pretensions,
A pipe he sustain'd, short and jetty of hue,
Thro' which the dense clouds of tobacco he drew.

This apparition stalking onwards to our admiring triumvirate,--"May be,"
said he, "your honor can be after telling me,--will your honor be Sir
Felix O'Grady of Munster, that is, long life to it?"--"The same, by the
powers of my father who begot me!" exclaimed the baronet: "sure enough
I am Sir Felix O'Grady that is, not that will be!" "Erin ma vorneen!"
rejoined the enquirer,--"the pot of Saint Patrick be upon you, and may
your honor live all the days of your life, and many years longer, if
that's all!--Arrah, but I'm plased to my heart's content to meet wid
your honor in a strange land!"

The congregated expectants now approached, and respectfully united their
congratulations with those of their respectable deputy.--"The pot of
Saint Patrick be upon you, and may your reverence live for ever and a
day afterwards!" It was in vain that Sir Felix offered them money. "No,
the devil a drap would they taste, unless it was wid his honor's own
self, by the holy poker!"

There was no remedy; so Sir Felix, with his friends Dash all
and Tallyho, who were much amused by this ~130~~unsophisticated
manifestation of Irish recognition, accompanied the motley groupe to the
blue-ruin shop.{1}

[Illustration: page130 Blue Ruin Shop]

Entering then, the neighbouring den, of a licensed retailer of
destruction, the first object on whom the scrutinizing eye of the
baronet cast a glance, was his servant, regaling himself and his blowen
with a glass of the "right sort." The indignant Sir Felix raised his
cane, and was about to inflict a well-merited chastisement, when the
transgressor, deprecating the wrath of his master, produced the full
amount of the cheque in mitigation of punishment, expressing his
obligations to mother Cummings for the preservation of the property.

"And who, in the devil's name," asked the baronet, "is mother
Cummings?"{2}

"Och! a good sowl," said the valet, "for all that, she keeps convanient
lodgings. And so your honor, just having got a drap too much of the
cratur last night, this girl and I took up our lodgings at mother
Cummings's: good luck to her any how! And if your honor will but forgive
me this once, I will, as in duty bound, serve you faithfully by night
and by day, in any or in no way at all at all, and never will be guilty
of the like again as long as I live, gra."

1 Blue-ruin, alias English Gin.--Not unaptly is this
pernicious beverage so denominated. It is lamentable to
observe the avidity with which the lower orders of society
in London resort to this fiery liquid, destructive alike of
health and morals. The consumption of gin in the metropolis
is three-fold in proportion to what it was a few years ago.
Every public-house is now converted into "Wine Vaults," as
they are termed, which the venders of poison and their
account in; it is true, that the occupants are compelled to
sell beer also, but in many of these receptacles, there is
not even sitting room, and "something short," is thus the
resource of men, women, and even children!

2 This discreet matron has realized a very daccnt
competency, by keeping, in the Holy Land, a house of
accommodation for _single, men and their wives_.--When a
couple of this description require the asylum of her
hospitable roof, she demands possession of all the money
which the male visitor may have about him. This conceded, it
is told over, and carefully sealed up in the presence of its
owner, and left for the night in charge of the prudent
landlady. The party is then shewn into a room, and in the
morning the money is forth-coming to its utmost farthing.

~131~~ Circumstances considered, and as this had been his first
offence, the servant, at the intercession of Dashall, was let off with a
reprimand only, and ordered home, a mandate which he instantly and with
many expressions of gratitude obeyed.

The baronet having adjusted this business to his satisfaction, directed
his attention to his newly acquired Munster friends, whom he not only
treated with a liberal potation of aqua vitae, but in the warmth of his
kindly feelings, actually drank with them, a condescension infinitely
more acceptable to the generous nature of these poor-people, than was
the more solid proof which he left them of his munificence; and of
which, until absolutely forced upon them, they long and pertinaciously
resisted the acceptance.

Our party pursuing their route, entered Holborn, and ordered refreshment
at the George and Blue Boar Coffee-House; a place of excellent
accommodation, and convenient for persons coming from the West of
England.

Here, while our perambulators amused themselves in conversation on the
occurrences of the morning, a chaise and four drove rapidly into the
yard, the postillions decorated with white ribbons, "denoting," said
Dashall, "the successful denouement, perhaps, of a trip to Gretna
Green." His conjecture was correct; the happy pair just arrived, had
been rivetted in the ties of matrimony by the far-famed blacksmith of
Gretna.{1}

1 In tracing the pursuits of needy and profligate
adventurers, with whom this vast metropolis abounds beyond
that of any other capital in the world, wife-hunting is not
the least predominant. This remark we cannot better
illustrate than by introducing to the notice of our readers,
the following extraordinary detail, exhibiting in High Life,
atrocious premeditated villainy, and in the mediocrity of
female rank extreme and fatal cupidity.

An anecdote has come to our knowledge within the last few
days which we think calls for publicity, as it may tend to
place on their guard those tender-hearted spinsters whose
sensibility of feeling may induce them for a moment to
forget that prudence which is at all times the best
safeguard of their sex. The circumstances which we shall
describe are considered quite unique among certain orders of
the sporting world; and the Hero of the Tale, from the
dashing completion of his plan, has obtained no small
importance in the eyes of his associates.

To our purpose;--About a fortnight back, a person, we will
not call him a gentleman, the first letter of whose name is
not far re-moved from the last letter of the alphabet, and
who has been particularly distinguished for the dashing,
although not very meritorious affairs in which he has been
engaged, both on the turf and the road, as well as in the
stable, found himself (to use one of his own fashionable
phrases,) "hard up." In plain terms, his Exchequer was
completely exhausted, and what was worse, his credit was
altogether "out at the elbows." All ordinary, and, indeed,
almost all extraordinary modes of "raising the wind," had
long since been worn threadbare. Something, however, must be
done; and to be "well done," it must be "done quickly." A
happy thought struck him. He had heard of a lady, some few
years beyond her "teens," who was possessed of a pretty
round sum; he could not ascertain exactly how much, in her
own right. This was a prize which he thought it would be
most desirable to obtain. It was true, the lady was past
that age when passion is not at all times to be con-trolled;
but then certainly not so far advanced as to have abandoned
all hope of obtaining an agreeable husband, or not to be
perfectly convinced that her attractions entitled her to
entertain such an expectation. The only difficulty which
suggested itself, was the mode of introduction. Two heads
are better than one, and our hero called in a friend, to
whom he unfolded his scheme, and whose advice and assistance
he immediately bespoke. The friend had no scruples on the
subject, and at once became a partner in the plot. Means
were found to overcome the first impediment, and behold our
two gentlemen in the presence of the fair object of their
attack. The principal was immediately introduced as the
son of Sir George ----, a highly respectable Baronet of the
same name, but of a very different character. His manners
were chastened for the occasion, his appearance fashionable,
and his address distinguished by a warmth which the
acknowledged purpose of his visit, that of soliciting the
honor of being permitted to pay his addresses, in some
measure justified. The lady was not displeased: to all
appearance the connexion, which was thus offered to her was
most nattering; the son of a baronet, and one especially who
had expressed himself in a most disinterested manner, was
not to be dismissed without due deliberation; she,
therefore, with becoming frankness, consented to grant
another interview on the ensuing day. The friends were
punctual to the time appointed, and came in the carriage
(_pro tempore_) of the suitor. They were shown into the
drawing-room, and the conversation was mutually pleasing. At
length our hero proposed to the lady to take a short airing
in his carriage. At first she exhibited the usual coyness at
such an invitation from one, to whom she was almost a
stranger; but was ultimately bantered into a consent, and
accordingly dressed for a ride. Having taken her seat
between the two gentlemen, they engaged her on such topics
as they thought most amusing, and the time passed so
agreeably that she scarce knew where she was going, till she
had arrived at Barnet, on the north road. They stopped at
one of the principal inns, and alighting, a slight cold
repast was ordered. The convenient friend shortly after
quitted the apartment to look to the horses, and the _soi-
disant_ son of the Baronet instantly commenced an
assault upon the lady's heart, which it would seem, was but
too well received. He protested that he had long sighed at a
distance, without having the courage to confess his flame;
and, in short, that he could not exist unless she became
his. The lady, whatever might be the feelings of her heart,
laughed at the warmth of his declarations. This only induced
him to become more impetuous; and at last, as a proof of his
sincerity, he proposed, as they were so far on the north
road, that they should order four horses, and set off at
once to Gretna Green. This produced additional merri-ment on
the part of the lady, which, as there was no specific
refusal, was taken for consent; and on the return of the
friend, he received a wink, which instructed him in the
course he was to pursue, and in a moment, four horses were
clapped to the travelling chariot in which they had arrived.
The lady was shortly afterwards handed to her seat, and,
accompanied as before, was whirled off with the utmost
velocity. She had gone thirty miles of the road, however,
before she believed that her lover was really serious. On
alighting at the end of the third stage, reflection came to
her aid, and she began to repent of having suffered herself
to be prevailed on to consent so far to what she still
pretended to believe was but a joke. On our hero quitting
the coom, she represented to his friend the utter
impossibility of proceeding further, and entreated that he
would take means to have her re-conducted to town. The
friend, however, who was too much interested in the success
of a plot so well commenced, endeavoured to dissuade her, by
every argument of which he was master, to go on; but she
positively refused; when, as the last resource, he
determined to work on her fears, and accordingly told her,
that Mr.---- had long spoken of her, in terms of impatient
rapture; that he was a man, unhappily, of a most passionate
temper, and that he had vowed, sooner than he would go back
to London without making her his wife, he would blow out his
brains, for which purpose he was provided with a brace of
pistols, then in his pocket, and double loaded. To this was
added the still more persuasive observation, that he was a
gentleman of family and fortune and figure, to whom no
rational objection could be taken by any woman whose heart
had not been previously engaged. The result was, that the
unfortunate woman, half consenting, half relenting, agreed
to go forward, and on they drove till they arrived full
speed at Gretna Bridge, in Yorkshire. Here a new difficulty
arose; our hero had exhausted his purse, and had not a
shilling left to enable him to complete his journey; his
good genius, however, had not deserted him, and, with that
effrontery for which he is distinguished, he called the
landlord into a private room, told him he was on his way to
Gretna Green with an heiress, again described himself to be
the son of a baronet, and finally requested him to give cash
for a cheque which he proposed drawing on a respectable
banking-house in town, (where, by the bye, he happened to
have no account.) The cause he assigned for his distress was
the suddenness of his flight from town. His appeal
proved successful, and he was furnished with the means of
completing his journey. Again the trio resumed their course,
and in the end reached the quarters of the celebrated
Blacksmith, who was immediately summoned to their presence.
Here another impediment threw them into fresh alarm; the
Blacksmith seeing the style in which they had arrived, and
judging from that circumstance that they were persons of no
mean consequence, refused to rivet their chains under a
douceur of One hundred pounds. This sum it was impossible,
at so short a notice, they could raise; and their hopes
would have been altogether frustrated, had not the eloquence
of our hero once more proved successful. He explained to the
venerable priest that their finances were but slender; and
having assured him of that fact, he induced him to accept of
Five pounds down, and a note of hand for Fifty pounds more.
The Gordian knot was then tied, and Mr. and Mrs.----
having received the congratulations of their friend, who
witnessed the ceremony, returned to Gretna Bridge; where
they agreed to wait a few days, until a remittance for which
the lady, under some plausible excuse, was induced to draw,
had arrived. The necessary sum at length reached their
hands; the bill was dis-charged; the cheque upon which the
cash had been previously advanced, redeemed; and the party
pursued their journey back to the metropolis.

On reaching London, the marriage ceremony was repeated in a
more formal manner, and thus all question of the validity of
the union was set at rest. Our hero had now to render
available the funds of his Lady; and in a morning _tete-a-
tete_ requested some information as to the state of her
fortune? It was a subject, he said, of no great importance
in his estimation, but still he wished to know what she had?
The Lady candidly told him that all she had under her own
control, was L1,100 in the 5 per Cents, and a bond of her
brother's for L2,500 payable on demand. On the very same
day, the disinterested husband was found soliciting several
brokers in the city, to sell out the stock which his wife
had described, but they all declined, unless the lady were
present. This was an objection easily got over; he returned
to his wife, and having assigned some feasible reason for an
immediate want of ready cash, induced her to accompany him
to the market, where the value of the stock was soon
transferred into his pocket.

The friends of the lady had by this time been apprised of
her marriage, and naturally felt anxious to ascertain the
character of the connexion which she had formed. She, of
course, repeated the story told her by her "Lord and
Master;" but inquiry having been made as to its truth, it
was found to be fictitious in all its main features. Her
husband, although of the same name, was not the son of Sir
George, nor was he at all connected with that family; and in
addition to this, it was ascertained that he was, as we have
already described him to be, a gentleman "much better known
than trusted." It is needless to say that the feelings of
the lady were greatly agitated at these discoveries, and she
did not hesitate to upbraid her husband with his deceitful
conduct. His sensibility, however, was not to be excited
on such an occasion; he coolly told her he knew all she
could say on that subject without putting her to any further
trouble; and, in fine, confirmed all that she had heard to
his prejudice. She had taken him "for better for worse,"
and she must make the best of a bad bargain. The brother
of the lady now interfered; he had an interview with her
husband, and could not suppress the indignation which he
felt in his presence. Our hero had too long been accustomed
to the reverses of the sporting world to be easily ruffled;
he preserved his temper with admirable presence of mind, and
having heard the enraged brother to a conclusion, at last
very coolly replied, that "all he had said might be very
true, but that did not alter the fact that his sister was
his lawful wife; and further, that, as her husband, he held
a bond of his (the brother's) for L'2,500, payable on
demand, and of which he requested immediate payment as he
was short of "the ready." The cold-blooded gravity with
which this demand was made, incensed the brother still
more, and he gave vent to the feelings which were excited in
his breast. Our hero was in no respect thrown off his
guard, and at last, after having heard that the brother, as
well as the lady, whose eyes were now open to his real
character, would be glad to get rid of him on any terms; he
proposed to "do the thing," what he called "handsomely," and
with very little qualification suggested, that in order to
settle the business "amicably," he had no objection to give
up his wife and her brother's bond for L1,000 in addition to
the L1,000 he had already received. Unprincipled as this
offer was, the brother, upon reflection, felt that he was
"in the jaws of the lion," and therefore, after consultation
with his sister, who was but too happy in escaping from such
a companion, he agreed to the terms proposed. The L1,000
was paid, the bond returned, and a separation mutually
agreed upon without further delay, to the infinite
satisfaction of our hero, who tells the adventure among his
friends with extra-ordinary glee, taking no small credit to
himself for its happy issue. We have suppressed the names of
the parties, for obvious reasons; there are those by whom
they will be immediately recognised. We wish, however,
not to give unnecessary pain to the individuals really
injured; and have only to hope the facts we have detailed
may operate as a sufficient caution to others who may be
placed in similar situations in future.