Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"And I am the Author of all!" I exclaimed, "I am the dis-honorable
Frederick Fitzroy, who in the vortex of dissipation, forgot the exercise
of common justice, and involved a worthy man and his suffering family in
misery! But I thank heaven, the injury is not irreparable!"

~116~ "I immediately explained to Mother W. the peculiarly
distressing situation of this poor girl, rescued her from meditated
perdition,--restored the husband to his family, with improved
circumstances,--and by a continuance of my support, I trust, in some
degree to atone for past transgression."

This narrative excited much interest, and the approval, by the company,
of Fitzroy's munificence was expressive and unanimous.

The conviviality of the evening was renewed, and sustained until an
early hour, when the party broke up; having enjoyed "the feast of
reason, and the flow of soul," with temperate hilarity.

Dashall, his Cousin, and Fitzroy, proceeding under the piazzas of
Covent Garden, the latter suggested an hour's amusement in the Cellars
underneath the Hotel, a proposition which was immediately acceded to by
his companions, and the trio descended into the lower regions.

The descent however bore not any resemblance to that of Telemachus into
Hell. A brilliant light irradiated their passage, and the grim shadows
of the infernal abode were, if present, without the ken of ocular
observation. In place of the palace of Pandemonium, our triumvirate
beheld the temple of Bacchus, where were assembled a number of Votaries,
sacrificing to the jolly Deity of the Ancients, in frequent and powerful
libations.

By some unaccountable means the daemon of discord, however, gained
admission and ascendancy.

A scene now took place which baffles every attempt at description.--The
row became general; decanters, glasses, and other fragile missiles,
were resorted to,--their fragments strewed the floor,--and the terrified
attendants hastened to require the interposition of the guardians of the
night, in restoring order and tranquillity.

Amidst the ravage and dissonance of war, our trio preserved a strict
neutrality, and before the arrival of the mediating powers, had regained
their position in the piazzas, where they waited the result of the
conflict.

Negotiations of peace having been unavailingly attempted, the refractory
combatants were taken into custody, after an obstinate resistance, and
conducted to "duress vile," in the Watch-house.

~117~~ The tragi-comedy was dacently wound up by one of the performers,
a native of the Emerald Isle, who thinking it necessary that the
neighbourhood should have an intimation of the proceedings, announced
the hour of "past three," with the accompaniment of "a bloody
MORNING!"{1}

The neutrals now proceeded to their respective homes, and our two
associates reached their domicile, without the occurrence of further
incident.

Next morning the indicative double rit-tat of the postman induced the
Squire from the breakfast-parlor to the hall. The servant had opened
the door, and received the letters; when an itinerant dealer in genuine
articles obtruded himself on the threshold, and doffing his castor after
the manner of a knowing one, enquired whether his honor was pleased to
be spoke with. Tallyho desired him to step in, and required to know
his business. The fellow with a significant wink, and many prelusive
apologies for the liberty he was about to take, stated that he had
accidentally come into possession of some contraband goods, chiefly
Hollands, Geneva, and India silk handkerchiefs, of prime and
indisputable excellence; which he could part with at unparalleled low
prices;--that he had already, in this private way, disposed of the
greatest portion, and that if his honor was inclined to become
a purchaser, he now had the opportunity of blending economy with
superlative excellence, in an almost incredible degree, and unequalled
in any part of the three kingdoms.

This flourish the Squire answered with becoming indignity; expressed his
surprise at the consummate assurance of any trickster who would dare
to offer him a contraband article, to the prejudice of His Majesty's
revenue; and ordered the servant to turn the "scoundrel" out of
doors.{2}

1 The above mentioned fracas took place a few weeks ago.--
The offenders "against the peace of our Sovereign Lord the
King," were next day held before one of the Police
Magistrates, when it appearing that the row occurred under
the influence of ebriety, and that the landlord and the
watchmen were the only sufferers, a com-promise was
permitted, and the parties were discharged with a suitable
admonition.

2 "Contraband articles." The Squire apparently was not
aware that the superlatively excellent Hollands, Geneva, and
India-hand-kerchiefs were, the one the manufacture of
Spital-fields, and the other the sophisticated balderdash
known by the name of Maidstone gin. It is a fact, altho' not
generally known, that at the different watering places every
season, the venders of silk handkerchiefs manufactured in
Spital-flelds, carry on a lucrative trade, by disposing of
them under the affectation of secrecy, as the genuine
produce of the Indian loom; and thus accommodating
themselves to the prejudice of their customers against our
native productions; get off in threefold proportion, the
number sold in London, and at a cent per cent greater
advantage!

With respect to alleged contraband SPIRITS, the deceit is
more successfully manoeuvred in Town than in the country.--
The facility of smuggling on the coast frequently supplies
the maritime visitant with a cheap and genuine beverage. In
Town the same opportunity does not occur, and on the
uninitiated in the cheats of London, the system of this
species of imposition is more frequently practised.
Professing to exhibit Real Life in London, we shall not
trouble our readers with an apology for the introduction of
the following appropriate incident--

Court ok Requests.--Holborn.--A case of rather a curious
nature, and which was characterised rather by the absurd
credulity of the parties than by its novelty, came before
the Commissioners on Thursday last. A man of the name of
O'Regan attended the Court, to show cause against a summons
which had been issued, calling upon him to pay a debt of
eighteen shillings, which was alleged to be due by him to a
person who stated his name to be Higgins. The parties were
both Irishmen, and exhibited a good deal of irritation as
well as confusion, in their stories. With some difficulty
the following facts were collected from their respective
statements;--On Tuesday week, about nine o'clock in the
evening, a man dressed in the costume of a sailor, and
wearing a large rough coat, similar to that commonly worn by
sea-faring men, in bad weather, entered the shop of O'Regan,
who is a dealer in salt fish, and other haberdashery," as he
called it, in St. Giles's; and beckoning to the back part of
the room, and at the same time looking very significantly,
said, "May be you would not like a drop of the "real thing,"
to keep a merry Christmas with?" "What do you mane?" says
O'Regan. "Whiskey, to be sure," says the man. "Faith, and
it's I that would, "replied O'Regan, "provided it was good
and chape." "Och, by the piper of Kilrush," says the man,
"there has not been a noter, claner, more completer drop of
_Putshean_ (whiskey illicitly distilled,) smuggled across
the _Herring-brook_ (the Irish Channel,) for many a long
day, and as for chapeness, you shall have it for an ould
song." "You don't mane to say it's after being smuggled!"
says O'Regan. "Be my soul, but I do," rejoined the man,
"it's I and Jack Corcoran, a friend of mine, brought it safe
and sound into the Thames last Sunday, in the shape of a
cargo of butter-firkins, from Cork." "Could a body taste
it?"pursued O'Regan. With a couple of "why nots," says the
man, "I've a blather full of it under my oxther (his arm-
pit,) if you'll lind us hould of a glass." O'Regan said he
hadn't a glass handy, but he brought a cup, and the bladder
being produced, a fair taste was poured forth, which
O'Regan, having tippled it off, after collecting his breath,
swore was "the darling of a drop, it was the next kin to
aquafortis."--"Aqua fifties you mane" says the man,
"aquafortis is a fool to it." The next question was, as to
the price?"Och, by the powers," says the honest smuggler,
"as you're a countryman and friend, you shall have it for
ten shillings a gallon, and less than that I would'nt give
it to my mother." O'Regan thought this too much, and
proposed eight shillings a gallon; but, after much
chartering, he agreed to give nine shillings. The quantity
was next discussed. The man could not sell less than an
anker, four gallons. This was too much for O'Regan; but he
finally determined to get a friend to go partners, and
Higgins, who lodged in his house, was called down and also
indulged with a taste, which he likewise pronounced
"beautiful." It was then arranged, with strong injunctions
of secrecy, that the tub should be brought the next night,
in a half-bushel sack, as if it were coals, and the hour of
nine was appointed. The smuggler then departed, but was true
to his appointment. He came at the hour fixed on the
Wednesday night, and in the disguise proposed. The commodity
was then carried into a little back parlor, with great
mystery, and deposited in a cupboard, and the doors being
all shut, he demanded his cash. "To be sure," says Higgins;
"but, first and foremost (for he was more cautious than his
friend,) let us see if it is as good as the sample was?"
"Och, the devil burn me," says the smuggler, "if I'd desave
you." "Sure I know you would'nt," replied Higgins, "only
just I'd like to wet my whistle with another drop, as you
may say." "Touch my honor, touch my life," says the
smuggler; and seizing the tub with some indignation, he
called for the poker, and then striking the barrel on each
side the bung-hole, out started the bung. He next called for
a table-spoon, and a cup, and ladling out about a noggin,
alias a quartern, handed it to O'Regan, who, having taken a
suck, by the twist of his eye and the smack of his lips,
evinced his satisfaction. Higgins finished it; and
exclaiming, "it's the dandy," passed his hand in his
pocket, without further hesitation, and produced his
eighteen shillings. O'Regan did the same, and the cask being
safely locked in the cupboard, the smuggler was let out with
as much caution as he had been admitted. O'Regan and Higgins
then held a council upon the division of the spoil; and the
latter went up stairs to fetch down a two gallon jar, while
the former ran to the public-house to borrow a measure. They
soon met again in the parlor, and the tub was brought out.
They endeavoured at first to get the bung out in the same
manner which they had observed the smuggler pursue, but not
being equally acquainted with the subject, they could not
succeed. This difficulty, however, was soon obviated.
O'Regan obtained a large gimblet from a next door neighbour,
and a hole being bored in one of the ends, the liquor began
to flow very freely into the measure which was held to
receive it. Higgins remarked that it looked very muddy, and
on the pint being full, lifted it up to have another sup;
but he had no sooner taken a gulp, than, to the dismay of
O'Regan, he exclaimed, "Oh, Holy Paul, it's bilge!"
mentioning a very unsavoury liquid. "Brother," says O'Regan,
and snatching the measure from his partner, took a mouthful
himself, which he as quickly spirted about the floor; and
then, in an agitated tone, cried out, "Sure enough Higgins,
it is bilge, and precious bail it is, as ever I drank." They
now eyed each other for some time with mutual surprise, and
then sympathetically agreed that they must have been "done."
It was still, however, a matter of surprise to them, how
their friend, the smuggler, could have taken good whiskey
(which that they had tasted from the bung-hole certainly
was,) from such nastiness. In order to solve their doubts,
they procured a pail; and, having emptied the cask, they
proceeded to break it to pieces, when, to their
astonishment, the mystery was unravelled, and their folly,
in being made the dupes of a pretended smuggler, made fully
manifest; for immediately under the bung-hole they found a
small tin box, capable of containing about half a pint,
which, being tightly tacked to one of the staves, kept the
pure liquor, a small quantity of which still remained, from
that which was of a very opposite character. It was no
laughing matter, and they were not, therefore, very merry on
the occasion; and still less so, when Higgins demanded of
O'Regan the repayment of his eighteen shillings; this
O'Regan refused, and a quarrel ensued, which after having
terminated in a regular "set to," attended with painful
consequences to both; was followed by Higgins applying to
this Court for the summons which led to their appearance
before the Commissioners. The whole of the circum-stances,
with infinite trouble, having been thus unravelled; the
Commissioner declared his inability to afford Mr. Higgins
any re-dress. There was clearly no debt incurred; there was
a mutual compact, entered into for an illegal purpose, for
had the liquid which they had purchased been smuggled
spirits, they were liable to pay a large penalty for having
bought it. But putting aside all these considerations, it
was clear that Higgins had, with a proper degree of caution,
endeavoured to satisfy himself of the quality of the article
before he paid his money; and thereby showed that he was not
acting under a confidence in any guarantee on the part of
O'Regan; and consequently could have no claim on him. In
this view of the case, he should dismiss the summons without
costs. The parties then retired, amidst the laughter of the
by-standers; and Higgins, who was evidently much mortified,
swore he would take the worth of his eighteen shillings
"out of O'Regan's bones!"

This command was obeyed with alacrity, and as promptly acceded to by
the discomfited intruder, who, however, retrieved, without doubt, in
the credulity of others, the disappointment he had sustained by the
pertinacity of the Squire.

~120~~ The morning was unfavourable to pedestrian excursion. The library
was well stored with literature in choice variety. To this antidote of
ennui the Squire resorted, while Dashall wrote cards of invitation to a
few select friends, whom he knew would, _sans ceremonie_ honor his table
to take bachelor's fare with him in the evening.

"I pity the man in a rainy day," says a writer, "who cannot
find amusement in reading." This was not the case with the two
associates;--the intellectual treat afforded by the library was fully
enjoyed; and the moments glided on, imperceptibly, until verging on the
hour of dinner.

The friends to whom Dashall had sent round, one and all accepted his
invitation, and the remainder of the day was devoted to that
refined hilarity, of which his hospitable board was always the chief
characteristic.

CHAPTER VIII

London, thy streets abound with incident.--
Dashing along, here roll the vehicles,
Splendid, and drawn by highly pamper'd steeds,
Of rank and wealth; and intermix'd with these,
The hackney chariot, urg'd to sober pace
Its jaded horses; while the long-drawn train
Of waggons, carts, and drays, pond'rous and slow,
Complete the dissonance, stunning the ear
Like pealing thunder, harsh and continuous,
While on either side the busy multitude
Pass on, various and infinite.--

~122~~ THE following morning presented the exhilarating aspect of
an unclouded sky, and the two friends were anticipating, at the
breakfast-table, the enjoyment of a fine day,--when

A double rat-tat, quickly doubled again, "
Announced an intruder of Consequence vain,
Decorum inclin'd to defy all;--
Again went the knocker, yet louder and faster,
John ran to the door, and one ask'd for his master,
Resolv'd against taking denial.--

"My good fellow," said the stranger, "will you be after representing my
obeisance and all that, to the Honorable Mr. Dashall, and I beg to know
whether he is at home?"

"Your name, sir?"

"Augh, what does it signify?--Tell him an old friend with a new
face,--arrah, not so,--tell him, that a new friend with no face at all
at all, would be glad to wait upon him.--Sir Felix O'Grady, the Munster
baronet, d'ye mind me?"

This was an unexpected visit, and the more kindly received by Dashall
and Tallyho, who promised themselves considerable amusement in the
acquisition of the baronet's society, which was readily conceded for the
day, to their request.

~123~~ "Have you breakfasted?" asked Dashall. "Whether or not," answered
Sir Felix, "I'll take a cup of taa with you, any how."

When the repast was finished, the triumvirate set out on their
pedestrian excursion; interrupted however, in their progress, by a
temporary shower, they took refuge in a Coffee-house, where Sir Felix
taking up a Newspaper, read from amongst the numerous advertisements,
the following selected article of information,--"Convenient
accommodations for ladies who are desirous of privately lying in,
and their infants carefully put out to nurse." "Well now, after all,"
observed the baronet, "this same London is a very convanient place,
where a lady may gratify her pleasurable propensities, and at same time
preserve an unblemished reputation. It is only going into the country,
sure, for the benefit of her health; that is to say, she retires to one
of the villages in the neighbourhood of London, pays her way without
name given or questions asked, and in a few months, returns to Town
improved in health, but more slender in person, all her acquaintance
exclaiming, "La! my dear, how vastly thin you have grown!"--

"There are in London and its neighbourhood," said Dashall, "numerous
such convenient asylums; but I cannot acquiesce in their utility.--I
am rather of opinion that they have a demoralizing tendency, as
accelerating by concealment, the progress of licentiousness.--Human
failings will still predominate, and the indulgence of illicit
intercourse is less frequently prevented by an innate principle
of virtue than the dread of shame. When facility of concealment is
therefore given to the result, these connexions will still become more
prevalent."

"By the Powers," exclaimed Sir Felix, "but I think Morality ought to
feel particularly benefited by these convanient asylums; they preserve
reputation, and in some instances have prevented suicide and murder. I
know of two cases wherein both crimes were perpetrated through a sense
of shame and dread of discovery, which probably would not have
happened could the unfortunates have resorted to "convanient
accommodations."--Well, here's good luck to the fair sex, the dear
cratures! and may they, every one of them, die on a Christmas day, any
how!"{1}

~124~~ This eccentric wish elicited a look of surprise from the Squire,
which Sir Felix observing,--

"My rason is," said he, "that the gates of heaven being open all that
day long, a body may slip in unknownst, as it is to be hoped that you,
Mr. Dashall, and I may do, some day shortly without any interruption at
all, at all."

This ludicrous finis excited the laughter of the company--

"But lo! the clouds break off, and sideways run,
Out from his shelter lively looks the sun:"

and the united observers of Real Life hailing the favorable presage,
resumed their perambulation.--

Advancing along Piccadilly towards Hyde Park, they reached the splendid
mansion of the hero of Waterloo; the gates were open, and a travelling
carriage with four horses was in waiting for his Grace, who was then
about setting off to inspect the fortifications of the Netherlands.{2}
Neither Sir Felix nor Tallyho having ever seen the Duke, the triumvirate
paused at the entrance of the Court-yard, until the carriage came forth,
when they saluted the gallant warrior with the tribute of respect due
to distinguished services and exalted genius, which his Grace very
courteously returned.

1 On the subject of "convenient accommodation for ladies
who wish privately to ly in," if we might hazard an opinion,
it would be in coincidence with that of our friend Dashall.
These establishments' are certainly an encouragement to
licentiousness, and it is well known, that in many of these
receptacles, "where the strictest honor and secrecy may be
relied on," the allurement of _abortion_ is held out to the
unhappy female, if she declines the anticipation of maternal
solicitude.

2 Thirty-Two Great Personages! Anecdote of the Duke of
Wellington,--His Grace, the Duke of Wellington, when last in
the Netherlands, and travelling without attendants, in a
part of the country where his multitudinous titles were not
well understood, was overtaken on the road by a veteran
officer, whose route lay in the same direction with that of
his Grace. The Duke having occasion to stop; and as the
officer would reach a certain town several hours before him,
he requested that the veteran would take the trouble of
ordering dinner for him, at the principal Inn. The old
officer made his congee, and pro-ceeded on his mission. "I
am desired to order dinner here," said he, to the landlord;
"but stay, I had better state who for." Then calling for
pen and ink, he presented the astonished and delighted host
with the following list of his forthcoming illustrious
guests.

The Prince of Waterloo!
The Duke of Wellington.--The Duke of Ciudad Rodrigo,
and The Duke of Vittoria.
The Marquis of Douro, and a Marshal General of France.
Master General of the Ordnance.

Colonel of the Royal Regt. of Horse Guards, Blue.
Colonel of the Rifle Brigade.

The Lord Lieutenant of Hampshire.--And

The Governor of Plymouth.

Field Marshal of Austria,
--------------------Russia,
--------------------Prussia,
--------------------France,
--------------------England, and
--------------------The Netherlands.

A Grandee of the Highest Class.
A Captain General of Spain.

Knights of the Orders of
The Garter, in England.--St. Andrew, in Russia.--The Black
Eagle, in Russia.--Charles III. in Spain.--St. Ferdinand and
Merit, in Spain.--The Golden Fleece, in Spain.--Maximilian
Joseph, in Bavaria.--St. Maria Theresa, in Austria.--The
Sword, in Spain.--St. Esprit, in France.--St. George, in
Russia.--The Tower and Sword, in Portugal.
And, (to bring up the rear,)
A Doctor of Civil Laws!

"Mon Dieu!" exclaimed the host, in extacy, "what a noble
company!" He then began to tell them over;--"One Prince,"
he continued,--"Three Dukes--One Marquis--A Marshal General
of France--An English Governor--An English Lord Lieutenant--
The Master General of the Ordnance, and Two English
Colonels--Six Field Marshals--One Grandee of the Highest
Class--A Captain General of Spain--Twelve Knights, and a
Doctor of Civil Laws!.'--_Mon Dieu!_ Thirty-two Great
Personages!!"

All the provisions of the town, all the delicacies of the
season and all the celebrated wines, were immediately put in
requisition for the illustrious company in expectancy.

At last the Duke of Wellington arrived, and was ushered into
a spacious dining-room, where a cloth was laid with thirty-
two covers. The person of the Duke was unknown to the
Innkeeper, who, full of important preparations for the
Thirty-two Great Personages, thought not of any thing
else.--"I ordered dinner here," said his Grace.--"Mon
Dieu!" responded the Innkeeper, "are you one of the Thirty-
two Great Personages?" presenting the list at same time. His
Grace glanced his eye over it,--"they are all here!" said
he, "so send up the dinner immediately." The Inn-keeper
stood aghast with amazement; at last finding utterance, he
ventured to express a hope that his Grace would be pleased
to take into consideration, that he (the Innkeeper,) had, at
great trouble and expence, provided a most sumptuous
entertainment for Thirty-two Great Personages. "D----n
the Thirty-two Great Personages," exclaimed the Duke, "Send
up the dinner, and your bill.--Thus I must pay the penalty,"
said he, "for not having invited the old veteran to be of
the party!!"