Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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This prolixity of description will not, we presume, be considered by our
readers, as a tedious digression from the main subject.--_Real Life
in London_ cannot be better elucidated, than by uniting incident with
appropriate anecdote, and amidst the perambulations of our respectable
associates, which led them to the ancient and interesting edifice of
Westminster Abbey, it necessarily followed that we should illustrate
the subject, by a brief, yet accurate and interesting account of the
antiquity, et cetera, of the object under consideration.

Having gratified their wishes by a cursory inspection of what their
guides were pleased to denominate "Curiosities," our two heroes were
on the eve of departure from the Abbey, when Bob begged that the guide
would repeat the terms of admission to view these repositories of
mortality.

"The tombs," said the conductor, "at the east end of the church, with
the chapel of Henry VIIth, the price of admission to view these, sir, is
six-pence; the models three-pence; the tombs at the northern part of
the cross aisle three-pence; and the west end and tower of the abbey
six-pence."

Tallyho expressed his surprise that the house of God and the depository
of the dead, should be so shamefully assigned over to the influence of
Mammon, and a price of admission as into a place of public amusement,
exacted by those to whose mercenary government the ancient structure of
Westminster Abbey had devolved. "Was it thus, always," asked he, "from
the time of Henry IIId?" To this enquiry, the guide replied merely by
a shrug of his shoulders, rather indicative of contempt than otherways,
and to a further question of "Who is the receiver general of these
exactions, and to what purpose are they applied?" he preserved a sullen
taciturnity.

From the south aisle of the abbey there are two entrances into the
cloisters, which are entire, and consist of four arched walks on the
sides of an open quadrangle. There are many monuments in these walks,
but four of them, beneath which are the remains of four of the abbots
~87~~of Westminster, at the east end of the south walk, are all which
merit particular attention.--

Amongst the ancient records deposited here, the two friends were
gratified with a sight of those of the Court of Star-chamber, and of the
original Domesday-book, which is still as legible as the first hour it
was written.

Against the south-west part of the west front of the abbey, is the north
front of the Jerusalem chamber, remarkable for being the place where
king Henry IV. breathed his last.{1}

North from the abbey stood the Sanctuary, the place of refuge allowed
in old times, to criminals of a certain description; and, on the south
side, was the eleemosynary or almonry, where the alms of the abbot were
distributed.--This place is remarkable for being the spot in which the
first printing-press ever used in England was set up; and here, in 1474,
Caxton printed the Game and Play of Chesse, the first book ever
printed in England.--A new Court House is now built on the site of the
sanctuary.

Having seen in the Abbey every curiosity of note, its two visitants
directed their course into Westminster Hall, the great national seat
of justice.--This together with the House of Lords, and the House of
Commons, are the remains of the palace of Westminster, built by Edward
the Confessor, the situation of which was close to the river Thames, and
the stairs leading from it still retain the name of palace stairs. The
hall itself is the largest room in Europe, except the theatre at Oxford,
unsupported by columns. It is 275 feet in length, 74 in breadth, and 90
in height, the roof being of oak, of curious gothic architecture. It
was originally used as a place of festivity, and Richard IId entertained
10,000 guests within its walls. In this hall Charles I.. was tried and
condemned; and at present it is occasionally fitted up for the trial of
peers or of any person impeached by the Commons.

Our heroes now relinquishing the contemplation of the olden times for
the enjoyment of the passing scenes of the modern, turned their steps
in the direction of Whitehall; passing through which, and facing the
Banquetting-House,{2} their observation was attracted to a gentleman on

1 See Shakespeare's Play of Henry IV. Part II.

2 In front of the Banquetting House, on a scaffold, Charles
I. was beheaded on the 30th of January, 1648;--His Majesty
passed from the Banquetting House to the scaffold through
one of the windows.

~88~~horseback, followed by a number of people, by whom he was
frequently and warmly cheered; and _en passant_ was recognized with
other popular feeling of regard and respect. Dashall stept forward to
reconnoitre, and ascertained that the favourite was no other than the
worthy representative of the borough of Southwark, Sir Robert Wilson,
Knt. lately deprived of his rank as a General, "for," continued Dashall,
"nobody knows what, unless the enormous crime of paying his last tribute
of respect to the memory of an "injured Queen;" and endeavouring, in
the temperate language of remonstrance, to prevent the effusion of human
blood! His character however, is too firmly rooted to sustain injury
from the breath of slander; and the malignity of his enemies has
recoiled on themselves: thanks to a brave, just, and generous people,
who are ever prone to save whom persecution aims to destroy."

Dashall seemed warm in defending the cause of this gallant officer, and
the Squire listened with correspondent satisfaction.

"The allied Sovereigns," observed Dashall, "in General Sir Robert
Wilson, found all the essential requisites of a good soldier: of skill
to plan, and of valour to execute. They were chiefly indebted to his
judgment and intrepidity for the victory of Leipsic; to which ample
testimony was given by the Emperors of Russia and Austria; the latter of
whom, during the intensity and perils of the engagement, he extricated
from the imminent hazard of captivity. His services have not been of
less importance in the armies of his own country, as acknowledged by
the Commander in Chief, who has now rewarded him by recommending his
dismissal, at the instance, no doubt, of Ministers; anxious by this
procedure to annihilate his independent feelings, and render them more
subservient to the doctrine of non-resistance and of passive obedience
to the existing authorities!"{1}

1 This object is already defeated.--Amongst all classes Sir
Robert Wilson's dismissal has excited strong feelings of
reprobation. Certainly, whatsoever other name may be given
to the act, it cannot be called a just one, to degrade an
honourable man from his rank, and deprive him of the half
pay (which in a great measure accrued to him from purchase,)
without accusation, arbitrarily, and on secret and suborned
information of having; merited the inflicted contumely. But
futile has been the effort of malevolence; Sir Robert
Wilson's half pay was L460 per annum, and the subscriptions
in indemnification of his loss already exceed L10,000.

~89~~Pursuing their course along the Strand, and ruminating on the
alarming increase of juvenile depravity, Tallyho could not avoid
remarking on the numerous temptations held out to the vicious and
necessitous in this wide-spreading and wealthy metropolis--"For
instance," making a full halt, with his friend, against the spacious and
unlatticed window of a jeweller's shop, Dashall admitted the truth of
his companion's observation. Here on promiscuous display were seen
most valuable articles of jewelry, stretching multitudinously from one
extremity to the other of the window, consisting of gold and silver
watches, elegant and richly wrought seals, musical snuff-boxes, diamond
rings, diamond pins, &c. embracing, in vast variety, a property of
immense value, divided from the street by "thin and undefended squares
of glass only; and that the lure might prove still more attractive, each
article marked at its price, some 25, some 50, 75, 100, and 200 guineas
each! A dash and a grab might secure to the depredator possession of
wealth; and while such temptations are held out, the surprise is, not
that so many street robberies are, but that a great many more are not
committed. The many thousands in London out of employment, and of these
perhaps the greatest number unhoused and famishing, would it be much to
be wondered at if some of these sons of misery, goaded onwards to crime
by the extremity of human suffering, were to attempt the possession of
spoil, so carelessly exposed, and apparently so easily obtainable?{1}

1 Lord Mansfield once presided as Judge, when an unfortunate
man was tried for stealing an article of jewellery from a
shop-window, exposed by its unguarded state to depredation,
and more encouraging than otherwise, the hope of success.--
It proved differently, and the prosecutor seeming determined
to proceed against the wretched man, even to capital
punishment, Lord Mansfield, indignant at the severity of the
owner of the trinket, and compassionating the state of
misery and destitution, under the influence of which the
poor prisoner at the bar, stimulated too by its careless
exposure, had committed the felony, desired the Jury to
value the trinket in question at ten pence.--The prosecutor
started up in surprise, and exclaimed, "Tenpence, my Lord!
why the very fashion of it cost me ten times the sum!" "That
may be," returned his Lordship, "but we must not hang a man
for fashion's sake!"

~90~~"Here conies silly Tom and staggering Bob," exclaimed a fellow, as
he approached towards our pedestrians. Tallyho had grasped more firmly
his oaken sprig, with the intention of trying the crankness of the
observer's pericranium, when Dashall perceived that the obnoxious remark
was directed to a simple looking old man, dejectedly leading a horse
"done up," and apparently destined for the slaughter-house.

"Where now, Tommy," continued the querist, "with thy decayed bit of
blood?"

"Aye, aye," answered Tommy, despondingly, "even to the naggers,{1}--'tis
what we must all come to."

1 A Naggerman is a wholesale horse-butcher! his business is
frequently so extensive as to enable him to employ a vast
many hands, and so lucrative as to ensure him a fortune in a
very few years; the carcases are sold to the dealers by whom
they are cut up, and sold in quarters to the retailers, and
purchased by the street venders; these latter form one of
the prominent itinerant avocations, and supply with food all
the dogs and cats of the metropolis!

"And so thy master has passed the doom of death against his old servant
Bob, on whose back he has been safely borne, in the chase, "many a time
and oft," as the song says, "o'er hedges, gaps, ditches and gates;
and fleet of foot as thou wert," patting the animal with feelings of
commiseration," and often as thou hast replenished thy master's purse,
thou art now going to the slaughter-house!"

"Even so--the faithful servant, now no longer useful, is discarded."

"And put to death!--Why man, thy master is a d----d unfeeling,
ungrateful scoundrel, else he would have turned this poor nag at large
on the green sward, to roam as he list in summer, with a warm stable in
winter, and have left him to die the death of nature."

An assemblage of passengers had now collected round the doom'd horse
and his sympathizing friend, whose vehemence of expression had attracted
much attention. The feelings of his auditory were in full unison with
his own, and as the throng increased, with inquisitive curiosity, the
advocate in the cause of humanity repeated the following lines:

"And hast thou doom'd my death, sweet master, say,
And wilt thou kill thy servant, old and poor?
A little longer let me live, I pray;
A little longer hobble round thy door!"

~91~~The spectators were evidently affected. He next sung the stanza of
an old song, extemporaneously produced (with the exception of the first
two lines)

At last having labored, drudg'd early and late,
Bow'd down by degrees he draws on to his fate:
His blood must the Naggerman's sluicing knife spill;
His carcase the Naggerman's slaughter-house fill!
Now led to his doom, while with pity we view
Poor Bob, may mishap still his master pursue;
Who callously spurning humanity's bounds,
Now sells his old servant as food for the hounds.

The Squire having occasion to call at a banker's in Fleet Street, the
two friends entered at the moment when a countryman with a most rueful
expression of countenance, stood transfixed to the floor, like the
statue of Despair, incapable either of speech or motion. After an
absorption of mental faculty of several minutes duration, he burst out
into the incoherent exclamations of

"Murrian take un, zay I!--Icod, I'ze in a voine pickle! I ha brought my
pigs to market wi a vengeance! O luord! O luord! whoa would ha thought
en't?"

He then began exercising his feet by stamping each alternately on the
floor, with a violence that shook the room to its foundation; and
this vehement thunder he accompanied by correspondent energy of
gesticulation; distorting his visage, and casting about his arms with
the action of an infuriated maniac. The place was thrown into alarm, and
business was suspended. Dashall now addressing himself to the presumed
lunatic, begged him to compose himself, and endeavour briefly to state
what had happened, that if he had sustained an injury, redress might be
obtained.

After several fruitless attempts at narration, he at length told his
story; and that it may lose nothing of its originality, we shall give it
in the first person.

"I'ze cuom zur, frae Zumersetzshire to Lunnon, first time o' my loife,
by coach, where it putt en at a pleace called the two Gooses necks, and
zo having a cheque on this house for Fifty Pounds, and not knowing
the way, I axed a vera civil gentleman whom I met wi' hovering about
Inn-yard; and telling him my business, Pze go with you, zaid he,
vera kindly, and help thee to take care o! thy money, vor there be a
desperate set o' sharp fellows in Lunnon ready to take every advantage
of a stranger; ~92~~ and zoa we came along, and just avore we gotten
into house here, he said to I, zays he, I'ze take thy money and zee that
all's right, vor there be a vast many bad sovereigns about.--Well,
zur, zoa he did; and just as I wur looking about, it seems he had taen
himself off wi'the money, vor when I looked round he wur no where to be
zeen; and zoa zur, I have lost Fifty good Pounds to my sorrow. Who would
ha thought it!--I wish the murrian had ha hold on me avore I had come to
this wicked world o' Lunnon!"

Here the countryman concluded his narrative, exciting the amusement of
some and the sympathy of others of his auditory.--The banker dispatched
one of his clerks with the unlucky wight to one of the Public Offices,
for the purpose of describing the depredator, altho' with very small
chance of recovering the property.{1}

Eliminating on the folly of this credulous countryman, our perambulators
now proceeded down Fleet Street, where casting a look into Bolt
Court--"Here," said Dashall, "lived and died the colossus of English
literature, Doctor Samuel Johnson,{2} a man whose like the world may

1 In all the Coach and Waggon yards in London there are
fellows loitering about with the view of plunder; they
frequently are taken by the unwary countryman, for domestics
of the Inn, and as such are entrusted with property with
which they immediately decamp, and by many other artful
manouvres secure their spoil.

2 The most trivial circumstance in the life of a great man,
carries with it a certain somewhat of importance, infinitely
more agreeable to the generality of readers than the long
details which history usually presents. Amongst the numerous
anecdotes of Doctor Johnson, perhaps the following is not
the least amusing.--When the Doctor first became acquainted
with David Mallet, they once went, with some other
gentlemen, to laugh away an hour at South-wark-fair. At one
of the booths where wild beasts were exhibited to the
wondering crowd, was a very large bear, which the showman
assured them was "cotched" in the undiscovered deserts of
the remotest Russia. The bear was muzzled, and might
therefore be approached with safety; but to all the company,
except Johnson, was very surly and ill tempered. Of the
philosopher he appeared extremely fond, rubbed against him,
and displayed every mark of awkward partiality, and ursine
kindness. "How is it, (said one of the company,) that; this
savage animal is so attached to Mr. Johnson?" From a very
natural cause, replied Mallet: "the bear is a Russian
philosopher, and he knows that Linnaeus would have placed him
in the same class with the English moralist. They are two
barbarous animals of one species."--Johnson disliked Mallet
for his tendency to infidelity, and this sarcasm turned his
dislike into downright hatred. He never spoke to him
afterwards, but has gibbeted him in his octavo dictionary,
under the article "Alias."

~93~~perhaps never see again; yet with all his vast erudition he had
his prejudices and superstitions; he believed in apparitions, and he
despised all countries save his own.--The Scotch and Irish he affected
particularly to dislike.--In his poem of "London," in imitation of
Juvenal, he says,--

For who unbrib'd would leave Hibernia's land,
Or change the rocks of Scotland for the Strand?--
There none are swept by sudden death away,
But all whom Hunger spares, with age decay!

But, with all his foibles, (and who is there without human infirmity?)
Doctor Samuel Johnson was the most highly talented writer of any age or
nation."

Facing the Obelisk, "let us stroll down the market," said Dashall,
"considered the cheapest in London.--Flesh, fish and fowl, fruits, roots
and vegetables, are here abundantly attainable, and at moderate prices."

Amongst the various venders, our two observers passed on, unmolestedly,
excepting the annoyance and importunity of "What d'ye buy? what d'ye
buy, buy, buy?" from" barking butchers, who instinctively reiterated
the phrase as the casual passenger approached, like so many parrots,
unconscious of its import being unproductive in effect; for who would
be induced to purchase by the clamorous invitation universally in use by
these vociferous butchers of the metropolis?--"My fine fellow," observed
Tallyho to one who annoyed him, "good wine, they say, needs no bush,
neither does good meat require a barker."

"Bad luck to my mother's own daughter, and that is myself, sure,"
exclaimed a retail venderess of vegetables, to her opponent in trade,
"if I wouldn't for the value of a tester, or for the value of nothing at
all at all, give you freely just what you ask for my jewel.--Arrah now,
is it law that you want of me! Faith and troth then you shall have it,
_club-law_, when and where you plase, my darling!"

"Dirty end," rejoined the other lady, "to the girl who fear* you!--Here
am I, Kate, of the Maclusky's of Ballymena, in the county of Antrim,
long life to it! and it would be a hard case, and a shameful one to
boot, if a well educated northern lass should suffer her own self to be
disgraced by a Munster-woman."

~94~~ "The devil fly away with Ballymena, and the Macluskys along with
it!" retorted the other; "and is it Munster and heddication that you are
bothering about? Whillaloe graraachree! my sweet one! and did you begin
your larning in Ballymena, and come to finish it in Fleet-market? By
my conscience, Kate Maclusky, if you are not very much belied, you know
more than you ought to do."

"And what would you 'sinuate by that?" demanded Kate;--"What do you
'sinuate by that, Ma'am?--I acknowledge that I'm both a whore and a
thief--what then? Bating that I defy you to say, black is the white of
my eye!"

Here Mrs. Maclusky with arms a-kimbo, and a visage strongly expressing
exasperation and defiance, advanced towards the Munster-woman.

"Let us step aside," said Dashall, "hostilities are about to commence."

He was right; a few more irritable preliminaries, and the heroines came
in contact, in due order of battle.

"Two to one on the Munster-woman." "Done! Ulster for ever! go it
Kate!--handle your dawdles, my girl;--shiver her ivory;--darken her
skylights;--flatten her sneizer;--foul, foul,--ah you Munster b----ch!"

"Fair, fair;--arrah, now for the honor of Munster;--dig away;--mind your
hits;--rattle her bread basket;--set her claret-spout a-going;--stand
firm on your pegs;--what, down!"

Thus ended round the first; the amazons had, in the fray, reduced each
other from the waist upwards to nearly a state of nudity. On either side
the partisans were numerous, the combatants eager to renew the fight,
and the spectators, the majority of whom were of Irish distraction,
anxious for the result, when the officious interposition of official
authority, terminated the "tug of war," and the honor of the two
provinces remained undecided.--

"Success to the land that gave Patrick his birth." Tranquillity thus
restored, a new scene in the drama of Fleet-market attracted the
attention of the two visitants.

A rabbit pole-woman passing through the market, was accosted by a lady,
who enquiring the price of the Rabbits, purchased a couple, in front
of the shop of a similar exhibitant.--This was considered by the
rabbit-dealers of the market, a gross breach of privilege, more
particularly as the obnoxious female had presumed to undersell them,
even with a superior article. Not willing, however, from ~95~~prudential
reasons, to appear in avowed personal hostility against the object of
their vengeance, and that, too, a woman, who had inadvertently incurred
the displeasure of their high mightinesses, the subordinate agency of
boys was deputed for the purpose of wrecking summary retribution; and
the juvenile deputation quickly overthrew in the apparent wantonness of
mischief, the whole of the poor girl's day-property, and scrambling for
the spoil, disseminated themselves in different directions, leaving not
the vestige of a rabbit behind!

A torrent of tears, feelingly shewed the anguish of her mind. She was
ruined beyond hope of redemption; the rabbits she had every morning on
credit, she plied the streets in selling them, through many a wearisome
hour in the day, happy if next morning, having realized a very moderate
profit by her laborious vocation, she could settle accounts with the
wholesale dealer, and take a fresh cargo with which to commence another
day's adventure.--But now, wringing her hands in an agony of grief,
"It is all over with me!" she exclaimed,--" my means of subsistence is
gone,--my credit is lost,--and God's will be done,--I must go home and
starve!"{1}

1 It is scarcely credible that one salesman in Leadenhall
market, at the present time, sells on an average 14,000
rabbits weekly. He contracts with the coach masters for the
carriage, and pays them eleven pounds per thousand,
amounting, weekly, to L154. The way he disposes of them, is
by employing 150 travelling pole-men and women; in the
morning they are started upon credit, and the next day they
return, bringing back the skins, settle the accounts, and
then take a fresh cargo.

Ever prone to relieve distress, Dashall and Tallyho sympathized most
sincerely with this unfortunate girl; there was an indescribable
something of extreme interest about her, which was well calculated to
excite a feeling of generous commiseration.

Shall we now say the two philanthropists? for such they
proved themselves. Each then, in the same moment, expanded his purse,
and together more than compensated the delighted and astonished girl for
her loss, who, blessing her benefactors, went home rejoicing.

Gaining the extremity of the market, at the bottom of Skinner-street,
the two friends rounded the corner, and verged towards Ludgate-hill
by the Fleet Prison. Here a fresh claim, though of lesser magnitude,
obtruded itself on their benevolence. "Pity the poor debtors, having no
~96~~ allowance!" exclaimed an emaciated being, gazing with an eye
of wistful expectancy, through the thrice-grated window of a small
apartment on a level nearly with the street; "Pity the poor debtors;"
The supplicating tone of deep distress in which these words were uttered
spoke irresistibly to the heart, and the blessing of Heaven was once
more invoked on the donors.

"And this is the prison," observed the Squire, "where a presumed scion
of the Royal branch, a few days ago surrendered to her bail, as a
prisoner for debt."--"The same," rejoined his Cousin, "and the Princess
is now most unroyally domiciled at a private-house within the rules of
the Fleet, on Ludgate-hill.--_Sic transit gloria mundi!_"