Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"Silence, silence! vy don't you all be more quieter when I am going to
begin?"

"Order, order, chair, chair!" now resounded from every one.

"Vell, you know its no use at all for to make me take this here chair,
because vy--I an't got no woice."

"I knows better nor that," said Bill Muggins, "for, by ----ven you fell
overboard the other day you roared like a rum un, and ven I pulled you
out you squeaked like a pig, so that are proves vhat you have got two
woices, and that's one more than you ought to have. Lord, Lord, if you
had but seen him and I get drunk a'ter it, you would ha' laughed--Dick
bolted blue ruin till his eyes sparkled just for all the vorld like a
vooden spoon against a soot bag."

~64~~ A general laugh succeeded this sally, which was accompanied by the
speaker with a violent blow upon the table, which threatened confusion
to the candles, glasses, and porter-pots, with which it was loaded.

"Veil," continued the chairman, "you know its all my eye, I an't got no
sing in me, so if you're a mind to be friendly, vill you heave out."

"Vy, you know Dick, for the matter o' that are, I never refuses you
nothing; nor, vhat's more, I never vont, so here goes.

"Vhat a hearty blade am I,
Care ca'nt never touch my heart,
Every trouble I defy,
Vhile I views the foaming quawt.
A very good song, and very well sung;
Jolly kimpanions, every one,
Clap your hats on, keep your heads vann,
A little more liquor will do us no harm.
Blankets and pins, blankets and pins,
When a man's married his sorrow begins."

The six last lines were repeated as a chorus, till every one appeared
to be exhausted, and was succeeded by thunders of approbation, and
reiterated cries of "Well done, Bill--go it, Bill--Bill Muggins for
ever!" and the still unabated snoring of their companion in the corner.

"Bill Muggins a'nt nothing but a good'un, Gemmen,"said the President;
"here's his health. Landlord, bring him a bolus of blue ruin. I say,
Bill, vhat shall ve say a'ter that are good song?"

"Here's bad luck and no blue ruin to bad masters, and leg o' mutton and
turnups for trumps--that's all I got to say, so here goes."

The toast being drank,

"Who is ve to call on now, Bill?"

"Vy, Bob Martlet's the boy to come it strong."

Bob Martlet was accordingly called upon, but requested a few minutes to
prepare himself, as he was rather hoarse.

During this interregnum, Dashall slipped out of the room, and gave the
landlord an order to place two bowls of punch on the tables, cautioning
him at the same time to say nothing of the party who paid for it, but
to say that a Gentleman, passing by the door and hearing them all merry,
had given an order for it at the bar.

~65~~ Upon re-entering the room, Bob Martlet, with one eye bound up and
his hat in his hand, was bawling with lungs of leather,

Lovely nymph! assuage my anguish,
At thy feet a tender swain,
Prays you will not let him languish,
One kind look would ease his pain.
Did you know the lad who courts you,
He not long need sue in vain--
Prince of song and dance--you
Scarce will meet his like again!

As this was a song to be sung in character, Bob Martlet determined to
profit by the instructions of Shakspeare, "to suit the action to the
word, and the word to the action," and consequently at the word "dance,"
he introduced some steps to the great entertainment of the company;
but unfortunately jigging to another tune, in which all the broad brims
joined, he forgot the connexion of the words, and was compelled to sing
it over again, and to give his hornpipe by way of conclusion, which was
accompanied by the barking of a dog.

Tallyho laughed heartily at this; the grotesque appearance of the
"tender swain," and the dance in wooden shoes, were admirable, and
highly relished by his companions. The room resounded with applauses,
and it was some moments before silence could be obtained, when, lo and
behold, the landlord entered the room as a peace-breaker with two bowls
of punch.

Consternation and surprise were visible in every countenance. The
confusion of tongues could scarcely equal the enquiries made in a
moment; but the landlord, having his cue, made no reply. But there
it is, will you drink it? It is all your own--and, to set you a good
example, here goes--Success to trade!--and took a hearty swig from the
bowl he placed before the President; then, taking the other bowl to the
lower end of the room, he evaporated, but soon returned with
glasses. Where he came from or how it was obtained, was banished from
consideration, and to make more, the remnant of a pot of heavy wet was
thrown into the bowl to mellow it, as the President observed, because
vy he liked things mellow. The punch was handed about, the song and the
toast passed merrily in succession till near twelve, when an unlucky
disturber of harmony, with a candle set fire to the whisker of Phill
the flue faker so called from his ~66~~having in his younger days been
a chimney-sweeper. Phill, who had slept during the noise of the evening,
was, notwithstanding his former trade, not fire-proof, awoke in a flame,
and not knowing the real depredator, upset the President, and nearly
knock'd him through a window just behind him--mill'd away in all
directions, growling with as much melody as he had before snored. During
the confusion of this affray, Tom and Bob took their departure from
Charley's Crib, which they understood was a nickname given to the place,
and, throwing themselves into a rattler, soon arrived in Piccadilly,
where we shall for the present leave them to their repose.

CHAPTER V

"Since Life's but a jest, let us follow the rule,
There's nothing so pleasant as playing the fool,
In town we may practise, as well as at school.

The world turns about the same things o'er and o'er;
We fool it--our forefathers fool'd it before;
They did what we do, which our sons will encore.

Life's but a half holiday, lent us to stare;
We wander and wonder in vanity's fair,
All, baby-like, bawling for each bawble there:

We, children like, covet the glitter of gay things,
Make racket for ribbands, and such sort of play-things,
Which we cannot have tho'--without we can say things.

We take, or are in all our turns, taken in;
The world to be sure--'tis a shame and a sin,--
Might soon be much better--but who will begin?"

~67~~ "LONDON," said the Hon. Tom Dashall to his Cousin, "abounds with
so much of munificence, that notwithstanding all its intricacies and
inconveniences, he who travels through life without visiting it, may
justly be said to know nothing; for it is all Life, its remotest corners
are full of animation, and although it is difficult to fancy how all
live, there are few but could give some satisfactory information if they
chose, though I am willing to believe many would rather wish to avoid
interrogation. We have already explored some parts of it, but be assured
there is still much to admire, much to applaud, and much to deprecate.
Our researches, after all, have been rather confined than extensive. It
is such an ever varying and never ceasing mine of observation, that it
is almost like the wishing cap of Fortunatus, with this exception, that
although every wish may be supplied, it requires something more than
putting on the cap to obtain the object desired."

~68~~ "From what I have already seen," replied Tallyho, "I perfectly
coincide with you in the latter part of your observation, for I have no
doubt but perseverance and integrity, with some portion of ability, is
sure to meet reward."

"You are right," continued Tom; "many instances could be pointed out
in proof of the justice of that remark: some of the greatest men of the
present day have rose from the lowest origin. Shop-boys and porters have
become tradesmen and merchants; shoe-blacks have become statesmen, and
servants councillors. But on the other hand, many who have been born, as
the old saying is, 'with a silver spoon in their mouths,' have 'fallen
from their high estates,' and lingered out the latter parts of their
lives in prisons or work-houses, laying the blame on fate, rather than
attributing failure to their own want of ability, prudence, or active
exertion. But come, I perceive the curricle is ready; let us take
a spank through the City, and look a little more minutely at the
mercantile world."

This call was instantly obeyed by Tallyho, who never doubted but
his Cousin had some object in view, though he frequently started from
Piccadilly without being previously acquainted with it.

Passing out at Hyde Park Corner, Bon remarked that he thought the City
lay the other way.

"Never mind," replied Dashall, "we shall come to the point without
doubt. Why, man, there are more ways than one, and I am not particularly
partial to being blocked up in the public streets, amidst _knowing
jarveys and cramp carmen_, sugar hogsheads, molasses, and slush carts,
which is so frequently the case, when by a slight deviation from the
direct way, we can give the tits a rattler on a good road without
obstruction, and pocket a handful of time into the bargain."

He now turned into the road which leads directly to Vauxhall Bridge; on
arriving at which, Tallyho was much delighted with an extensive view of
the Thames.

"This," said Dashall, "will bring us to a favourite place of amusement,
where you have already cut a conspicuous figure."

"What do you mean?" enquired his Cousin.

"A masquerade," replied he significantly. "Go along Bob."

~69~~ Passing gently over the Bridge, "Do you observe," continued he,
"that extensive building? That is called the Penitentiary. It is a
building designed for the punishment, employment, and reformation of
offenders of secondary turpitude, usually punished by transportation
for a term of years. It has been conceived since the commencement of the
disputes which terminated in the separation of the American States.
The plan of it is known to be partly that of Mr. Jeremy Bentham. The
culprits are confined in circular buildings, the windows of which are so
constructed, that the overseer from his room in the centre may be able
to view every one of their rooms. The external wall encloses no less
than eighteen acres of ground, within which are six of these circular
buildings, each capable of lodging and employing from 150 to 200
prisoners, with a chapel, infirmary, and other conveniences. Its
situation is called Millbank."

"It looks," said Bob, "like a castle, or tower, of impregnable
strength."

"It is, however," continued Tom, "a useful institution, since it
supersedes that indiscriminate transportation so long practised, and
which, as applied to definite periods, was cruel and unjust, since the
wretched objects were precluded from the power of ever returning
to their native land, however short the intended period of their
banishment. This part of the world is much improved of late years. The
Bridge we are now passing, is an admirable light and elegant structure,
but recently erected, according to the plan of Mr. J. Walker, and
connects, as you perceive, by a straight line of road with Hyde Park
Corner. The road before us leads to Newington Cross, and thence by
various ways to the City. The Bridge consists of nine arches, of equal
span, in squares of cast iron, on piers of rusticated stone formed of
fragments, united by means of Parker's cement. Its width is 809 feet,
the span of the arches 78 feet, the height 29 feet, and the clear
breadth of the road way is 36 feet. It cost above 300,000L. But we
shall shortly cross another bridge, far surpassing it in point of
magnificence."

"It is wonderful indeed," said Bob, "that in a country complaining of
a starving population, such serious sums of money should be expended in
the erection of splendid mansions and magnificent bridges."

~70~~ "Not at all," was the reply, "for perhaps it is one of the
best ways of expending, as it gives employment to thousands who would
otherwise have become beggars on private charity, or paupers on public
bounty, either of which is revolting to the mind of an Englishman:
besides, if your observation applied at all, it would cut at every
improvement of the day; and you should recollect, that, whether upon
true foundations or not, every generation think the age they live in is
the most enlightened: so it may be with respect to the preceding, and
indeed, so much so, that the succeeding will rather decline than improve
upon it, but it would be difficult to convince them of the fact. It is
certain, however, that scarcely a day passes but some new invention or
improvement is offered to public notice. The perusal of the newspapers
is an evidence of my assertion; and as London is the centre of
attraction, so it is the seat of knowledge, of science and information."

"I should judge, that if a person who had lived some two hundred years
ago, even in this wild place, were to rise up amongst us, his surprise
and astonishment would be strongly excited," said Bob, endeavouring to
draw forth more of his observations as they bowled along the road.

"There can be no question on that subject," said Tom, "for how would the
high ideas he entertained of the ingenuity of the age in which he had
lived, dwindle into nothing! Nay, should he appear in the country
first, what would he think of the various implements of husbandry, for
ploughing, and preparing the land; the different machines for sowing
the corn, for threshing, grinding, and dressing it; and in numerous
instances (though perhaps not quite so much now as it has been, on
account of the present agricultural distresses) he would find something
else too which he might not consider an improvement: instead of meeting
the honest homely farmer, assisting personally in the gathering in his
crops, and his daughter following the cart with a rake, he would find
the former mounted on his Prad following the hounds, and the latter at
boarding school. Instead of the farmer's son bringing home his cows of
an evening, and his sister going out to meet him at the sound of his
well known voice, with her milk-white pail, he would find the one poring
over Latin and Greek, and the other running her fingers over the chords
of a harp or piano-forte."

~71 "These," said Bob, "are refinements in manners at least."

"Then, should he take a peep at London, as we are now doing, he would be
struck dumb with admiration. But here we are on the Waterloo Road. That
building on the right is the Coburg Theatre, so named in compliment
to the Prince of Saxe Coburg, who married the unfortunate Princess
Charlotte of Wales, the much regretted daughter of our present King.
Before us is Waterloo Bridge, which leads to the Strand, and was
originally denominated the Strand Bridge; it is acknowledged to be
one of the most majestic structures of the kind, perhaps, in the known
world, and was built under the direction of the late Mr. Rennie, to
whose memory it is said a monument is intended to be erected. The Bridge
consists of nine equal arches, and like the bridges of the ancients,
is perfectly flat, which you perceive the road we are now travelling is
not, for in some instances you may look over the wall upon another world
below, as we are above the tops of the houses. Its being level is a
circumstance highly favourable to the draught of carriages across it,
and without any apparent subtraction from its beauty. We will alight
here and walk leisurely across, taking time for remark."

The servants now took charge of the curricle, with orders to wait at the
corner of the Strand, while our heroes, having each deposited his penny
at the toll-house, strolled forward.

Tallyho appeared delighted with the views around him: In the front, a
fine prospect of one of the finest cities in the world, and behind an
equally pleasing sight over the Surrey Hills. The day being fine,
and the sun darting his refulgent beams on the bosom of the Thames,
contributed to form, altogether, one of the most enraptured sights he
had ever beheld. The passing and repassing of boats and barges
below; and carriages, horsemen, and pedestrians, crossing the bridge,
alternately attracted his attention.

"Each arch of this bridge," said Dashall, "is 120 feet span; the piers
20 feet thick, with Tuscan columns; the width between the parapets 42
feet; these footpaths are seven feet each, and the road-way is 28
feet. The cost has been immense, and it is not likely that the original
subscribers will ever realize the capital expended."

~72~~ At this moment the sound of music attracted the ears of Tallyho.

"What have we here?" said he, thrusting his head through the
balustrades, by which he found himself almost suffocated with smoke,
which stopped further enquiry.

"Behold," said Tom, "another improvement of the age; that is the
Richmond Steam Boat, proceeding with a cargo of live stock to that
celebrated place of public resort, and, in spite of wind and weather,
will return in the evening. They always have a band of music on board,
for the amusement of their passengers."

"Zounds," said Bob, "they ought to have a smoke-consumer."

"They had one just now," replied Tom; "for I apprehend you assisted them
in some degree, though not voluntarily."

"You are smoking me," said Bob.

"Never mind, you have only been puffing a cloud."

"However, as the mist is dispelled," said Tallyho, "and we have, a clear
sky before us again, let us make use of our senses."

"To the right you perceive Blackfriars' Bridge, and beyond that the
Southwark Bridge. By the way, we were speaking of the alterations to be
witnessed in a country life. We will now pursue the subject, and suppose
for a moment our two-thousand-years-ago friend, after his visit among
the Swains, inclined to transfer his observations to the Great Town. The
first question would be, How shall I get there? Oh, there are plenty of
night coaches, and day coaches too, Sir. Well, then "fancy him seated in
a night coach, and having supped on the road, on resuming his corner
of the vehicle, he falls into a sound sleep. Guess what must be his
surprise on waking in the morning, to find himself in the bustle and
apparent confusion of the streets of the Metropolis. But how altered!
Wide streets and upright houses, instead of narrow lanes with houses
meeting each other at the tops. Then what elegant shops!--He would
exclaim, rubbing his eyes, 'Why, this is all a dream

"Proceeding from the heat-oppressed brain!"

~73~~ 'It cannot be reality!'--However, he swallows a hasty breakfast,
and sallies out again to look about him. From London Bridge he espies
the one I have just mentioned, the Southwark Bridge.--'What have we
here?'--'Oh, Sir, that is the cast-iron bridge, with three arches,
over the Thames.' He hastens to it, and when upon it, what must be his
astonishment, at the power of the human mind to form, and of the human
body to bring together, such immense pieces of iron? To connect Queen
Street, Cheapside, with the Kent and Surrey Roads by three arches, the
centre of which is 240 feet span, and the side ones 210 feet each, the
arches all composed of cast iron, the piers and abutments of stone.
'Zounds,' he would exclaim, 'if the race of man dwindle in stature, they
grow daily more stupendous in intellect! 'But we will suppose, like
you, with an anxiety to see all that can be seen, he perceives a machine
sailing down the river with astonishing velocity; 'Why, formerly,' said
he, 'wind and tide against a vessel were insurmountable obstacles in its
passage, but now they seem to add to its swiftness; how is this to be
accounted for? '--'Easily enough,' replies a bye-stander; 'Lord
bless you, it's all done by steam. Hot water and smoke do every thing
now-a-days! Why there are a great number of machines, which formerly
required from two to forty or more horses each to put and keep in
motion, entirely worked by the steam arising from boiling water.'--'
Prodigious! Steam do all that! Astonishing!'"

"And truly," replied Bob, "notwithstanding I have witnessed many
improvements, I confess I am astonished at the various uses to which
this discovery has already been devoted, and the extraordinary powers it
possesses.

"Well, we will pursue the train of thought a little further: Suppose,
perambulating the streets till he is quite tired, and seeing alterations
and changes out of number, he enters a Coffee House, eats a hearty meal,
and taking a glass or two of wine, he falls into a musing train of ideas
of the wonders he has been witnessing, from which he is not disturbed,
till the hoarse voice of a Charley sounds in his ear, 'Past ten o'clock,
and a cloudy night,' at which he hastily starts up, discharges his bill,
and prepares, by buttoning up close and securing his trusty stick, for
(as he would naturally expect) a dull dreary walk. He sallies out thus
equipped, and, to his utter astonishment, finds the streets as busy as
in the middle of the day, and almost as light. He steps up to one of the
lights to ~74~~ examine it--'What can this be? It is not oil, there is
no vessel to contain it; surely this can't be steam also! But what can
it be?'--'Gas, Sir,' says a passenger, who overhears the question, 'Gas;
it is produced from coals set on fire and confined in a furnace, the
subtle vapour from which is conveyed by means of pipes, and, light
applied to it, immediately bursts into a flame.' His astonishment would
now be complete, and if he did sleep after, it would be difficult to
persuade him it was not all a dream."

"Our wise forefathers knew the worth of land,
And bank'd the Thames out with laborious hand;
From fresh encroachments bound it's restless tide
Within a spacious channel deep and wide.
With equal pains, revers'd, their grandsons make
On the same spot a little inland lake;
Where browsing sheep or grazing cattle fed,
The wondrous waters new dominion spread;
Where rows of houses stood through many a street
Now rows of ships present a little fleet.
Nay, we had made, had Nature not refus'd,
Had Father Thames not begg'd to be excus'd,
A pretty tunnel underneath his bed,
And left him running, grumbling, over head;
Had scratch'd a track out, like a grubbing mole,
Through a long, dark, and damp and dirty hole--
Like rats in sewers, had flounder'd through the mud,
Instead of sailing, duck-like, o'er the flood;
But bubbling springs chok'd up the project deep,
And trickling waters on our folly weep."

By this time they had crossed the Bridge, and having regained the
curricle, the Hon. Tom Dashall tickled the _tits_ in prime style along
the Strand, in the road to the City. Soon after passing Temple Bar, they
were attracted by a vast concourse of persons surrounding the shop of
Mr. Carlile,{1} from whence upon enquiry they learnt the

1 Perhaps some of the most remarkable occurrences in the
City of London have taken place at the house of Carlile. The
whole family have been tried and convicted of selling
treasonable or seditious works, and are now suffering the
sentence of the law. But, notwithstanding the combined
efforts of a powerful body, the shop is kept open, and it is
more than likely that a greater business is carried on now
than ever. In a recent Number of the Re-publican, published
by him, he makes the following observations:--

"Since my last went to press, we have thought it prudent to
resort to stratagem to defeat the schemes of the Gang, in
taking out every new hand from the shop by a warrant. We
now sell all publications, to suspicious and unsuspicious
customers, through a hole in a part of the shop, where it is
impossible for the purchaser to identify the seller, as
there are always two or three serving in the back ground,
none of whom can be seen or heard, to be identified
individually. These persons are frequently changed, so that
even if the enemy resorted to burglary and house-breaking,
upon the strength of any warrant, the seller of any pamphlet
or pamphlets could not be identified. Where the statue of
Paine stood, we are about to caricature the defeat of Murray
and Sharpe, and make them watch the hole through which the
money and pamphlets pass, without being able to prevent it.
There are fifty stratagems by which I could give full effect
to the sale of my publications, as well as if they were
sold openly, and which would defy prosecution, as the vender
could not be identified. I dislike this mode of doing
business; I like open, fair play; and I now make a
proposition to Stoddart, Clarke, Murray, and Sharp, that I
will do every thing openly, and give them the name of every
individual in my employ from time to time, if they will
confine themselves to the professions they have made through
"Cato," their scribe, and not arrest until a Grand Jury have
pronounced a true Bill against the individual. If they will
not accept this proposition, they shall arrest no more, and
my business shall go on just the same. I tell them, for
their comfort, that the pamphlets sold daily through the
hole, have doubled the number of those sold openly
heretofore. Public curiosity they have excited, and am
reaping the benefit. They cannot put-me down. I will put
them down. Let the result bear witness. My friend in the
enemy's camp and councils, has my thanks for his valuable
information. He will perceive that all his information and
instructions have been acted upon."