Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"You entertain us with a diversity of mental dishes," said Tom;
"Manacles, Mammon, and Morality, dance through the mazes of your
imagination in rapid and admirable succession--I wonder you don't
commence Lecturer."

"I do not conceive myself qualified, and as I have no real occasion
to be a pretender, I leave it to those who have.--O! there goes a
curiosity--

"If you look sharp you'll see the short knee'd breeches, Brown hat and
powdered head of stalking P--tch--s."

"He is known here by the title of Don; he has been a long resident
within these walls, has seen much of Life, and is still a gay fellow. He
was formerly a Member of Parliament, but not being able to overrule the
Speaker, he out-run the Constable, and was seized by ~53~~ the Bailiffs.
He is, however, a jolly companion, and lives well; but to show his
contempt for riches, he has actually seated his inexpressibles with the
parchment title deeds of his own estate, with impressions similar to the
old song--

"Why should we quarrel for riches,
Or any such glittering toys?
A tight heart and a thin pair of breeches
Will go through the world, my brave boye."

"Who is that with the rackets under his arm?" enquired Bob.

"That is Baker, a sort of privileged man, who is allowed the advantages
of supplying the inmates with rackets, balls, &c. He lends rackets,
sells balls, keeps scores, and occasionally carries on the haberdashery
trade."

"Then he is a shop-keeper, I suppose."

"He is a measurer of tape" replied Merry well, "by way of refreshment,
or in other words, under safe circumstances, can spin out Old Tom or
Blue-ruin."

"I understand," said Bob, "a little of the Cratur."

"Here," continued Merry well, "is the coach-maker to the late
Christophe, King of Hayti, Mr. H---- of Long Acre notoriety. This
gentleman bought a considerable estate, which, with true parental
regard, he settled on his daughter, and paying for his purchase by his
residence here, whether his intentions will be fulfilled or not, so
as to obtain liberation by the Whitewashing Act, no one at present can
tell--and Colville is taking his walks--he is one of the Janitors, and
Crier of the place. He has a Stentorian voice, which is a part of his
business to exercise in calling the prisoners. I know but little of him,
and even that is not worth knowing. He, however, has the character of
being an informer, and I am not aware that he is in possession of any
good qualities. I shall, therefore, rather give a slight sketch of the
office he holds, than of the person.~54~~

"Whoe'er one night has slept within these walls,
Has heard the din that each new comer calls,
To where the keen-eyed Turnkeys wait to trace
The lineaments of every novel face.
Each morning thro' the Bench goes forth a cry,
By Colville sent thro' every gallery high.
To number "One," peals round the shout from "Ten,"
Far rolling heard, "Pull up! now Gentlemen!"

"This is the custom with every new comer, and is productive sometimes of
much mirth to some, but of infinite mortification to others, according
to the circumstances of the case. As it would occupy some time to
describe them, I shall give you a poetical sketch of a morning in the
Bench; and by the introduction of a fictitious name, make you acquainted
with a general practice. Imagine for a moment,

"Rous'd by the force of that Stentorian sound,
Rose Belcour, dressed, and soon the lobby found.
About the door a throng of varlets stood,
A grinning and ill-favoured brotherhood,
That scoff and gibe at every wight that wears
Linen less black, or better coat than theirs.
For these, young Belcour was too fair a mark;
'Make way,' cries one, 'he's going to the Park:
His horses wait; he's going for a ride.'
'Fool, 'tis his tilbury,' another cried;
'D'ye think his lordship rides without his spurs?'
'A curse upon such base unmanner'd curs,'
Between his teeth impatient Belcour mutter'd,
As each his wit so truly attic utter'd;
Then, 'mid the laughter of the brutal throng,
Dark frowning through the door he moved along.
Within the upper lobby Morris sate,
And touch'd with easy complaisance his hat;
And cried, not deigning from his seat to stir,
'We hope you're pretty comfortable, Sir.
'These chaps about the door are rather rum;
'But, love you! So they do to all that come.'
Short was the conference; the Turnkey's look
Quick cognizance of Belcour's features took;
And never, from that hour might he pass by
Unnoted by that well-observing eye."

"Well," said Tallyho, "I must confess such scrutiny on the one part, and
such observations on the other, would be more than likely to ruffle my
temper, and I should be apt to signify my disapprobation, at least of
all that was unnecessary."

"In that case," replied Merry well, "you would only subject yourself
to additional torment: you would have songs, epigrams, lampoons, and
epitaphs in abundance, which would prove still more irritating; for this
is the seat of learning and of wit, of poets, painters, and musicians,
who, being enraptured with their own arts, neglect that of book-keeping,
till a residence here gives them a leisure opportunity to close their
ledgers.

~55~~ Speaking on that subject, by the by, we have among us, at this
moment, the publishers of the John Bull, whose combined efforts in the
way of scurrility have rendered them notorious among the periodicals
of present times. There is, however, little of public attraction about
them; and although they profess to have a subscription opened, to enable
them to pay the fine imposed upon them, it is doubted whether any
such is really in existence. Here, however, is a character of another
description:

Captain K---- is still a gay fellow, though I apprehend rather what we
call hard up just now. He has had the opportunity of expending a very
considerable property in seeing Life, but if report say true, it has
been chiefly exhausted among the fair sex, and coffee-house keepers.
Seldom much depressed in spirits, let the world wag as it will, he
sometimes gives good dinners and enjoys himself with a friend, though I
suspect that can, under present circumstances, only be done when he can
pitch the gammon to the wine merchant, and induce him to stand the
nonsense."

"And do wine merchants give credit to persons in confinement?" enquired
Bob.

"Certainly," was the reply, "for services done or promised to be done,
or upon the security of some friend, who perhaps intends soon after to
pay his engagements by a similar mode to that of the person whose debt
he pretends to secure. No place can be found where the study of ways and
means is more closely attended to than this. Of our prisons in general,
much the same may be said as of our gaming houses; very few get out of
them as they went in. A dupe is the general character of those who
first enter; but they seldom fail to acquire that of knave before their
departure. The air is infectious, the society fatal to morality and
to honesty; few pass through the ordeal with purity, and return
uncontaminated to the world; and yet, after all the frauds, tricks, and
speculations practised, it is well to be acquainted with them, in order
to guard against the recurrence, if a man can but have fortitude enough
to avoid practising them himself.~56~~

"Think not that the action of the place
Is all revealed upon this open space;
The darkest portion of the picture lies
Obscur'd and cover'd up from public eyes;
Here much you see, that bids you all mistrust,
Much that provokes aversion and disgust;
New friends, who coolly ask a one pound note,
Or borrow for an hour, then pawn, your coat.
Such stuff as this upon the surface swims;
He little sees who but the surface skims.
How much of fraud and finished wickedness,
How much of deep despair and keen distress,
Thought of by few, and seen by none, the while,
Is chamber'd in the niches of this pile!"

"Zounds," cried Dashall, "your pictures have so much light and shade,
so much to admire, and so much to condemn, that there is scarcely any
possibility of arriving at any conclusion.--Bless me, there is Dick
Rakewell!"

"Do you know him?" said Merry well.

"What the devil are you doing here?" cried a young man advancing, and at
the same time catching the Honourable Tom Dashall by the hand; "Are
you initiated, or merely come to take a peep at the curiosities of this
menagerie? Have you tipp'd and shewn yourself in due form; or do you
still sport a game leg among the gallants of Bond Street?"

"Fortunately," said Dashall, "I can still boast of the latter, and have
no very strong inclination to aspire to all the honour and happiness of
the former."

"Grown serious and sedate; I suppose married, and ca'nt come--pretty
wife--lots of children--love and fireside comfort at home--pleasure
abroad--cash in hand, and care for nobody. That's the sort--give you joy
with all my heart--never were such times."

"I am glad you find them so," continued Tom; "but your anticipations
are a little too rapid, and your imagination rather too vivid for my
proceeding; however, there is no knowing what we may come to; life is a
labyrinth full of turnings and windings. But what brought you here?"

"Driven in by the Philistines," was the reply; "caught like a harmless
dove by the Greeks--clean'd out.--By the cog, I was obliged to fly to
this pigeon house, in order to avoid being cut up by my creditors; and,
up to a little of the Newmarket logic, I am now crossing and justling
though it is doubtful at present who will win the race."

"You have not far to run, however," replied Dashall, "and it is
therefore fair to presume the heat will soon be over."

~57~~ "As usual," cried Rakewell, "always something short, but pungent,
like a pinch of merry-go-up{1}--satire and sentiment--mirth, morality,
and good humour--unmarried and still the same man. These are better
subjects of congratulation than the former."

"We shall dine at half past three," said Merry well, "and if you are
inclined to make one along with us, you will find me at home."

"I should have no objection to meet you abroad," exclaimed Rakewell;
"but, however, I'm your man. Half past three, d----nd unfashionable; but
never mind,

I'll pick a bone with you; and spite of dull care and high walls,
'locks, bolts, and bars, we'll defy you;' and my life for it we have
a jolly afternoon. Is the cellar well stored, and the kitchen in good
repair?"

"All right, my boy!" exclaimed Merrywell, "bring your bellows{2} in
good order, and don't be afraid of your bread basket.{3} The dibs are
in tune.{4} A ball of fire,{s} a dose of daffy, or a blow out of black
strap, will set the blue devils at defiance, give a spur to harmony, and
set the spirits a jogging."

"Then at half past three I'll have a turn to with you," continued
Rakewell; "so no more at present from your loving Cousin. I am going now
to call on Fred. Fearnought; that fellow has deceived me; I thought
him a trump, but he's eaten up with hopes and fears, tormented in mind,
body, and estate, no more pluck than a dunghill chick. I must stir him
up with a long pole, give him a lesson or two, touch him to the quick,
and then quickly adjourn to you; so adieu for the present."

Thus saying, he made his escape from his friends, and, passing through
one of the entrances to the interior, was quickly out of sight.

"That," said Dashall, addressing his Cousin, "was one of the gayest of
the gay in all the leading circles of _haut ton_."

"And I assure you," said Merrywell, "he has not lost one atom of his
vivacity, notwithstanding the alteration in his circumstances; he is
always full of humour, ready for a bit of fun even in confinement; he
plays, laughs, sings, drinks, and is about one of the most cheerful
companions I know."~58~~

1 Merry-go-up--Snuff.

2 Bellows--A cant term for the lungs.

3 Bread-basket--The stomach.

4 The dibs are in tune--There is plenty of money.

5 A ball of fire--A glass of brandy.

"Then," rejoined Bob, "he is a philosopher, for he has learned to bear."

"Yes," continued Dashall, "but the other, and by far the most important,
part of philosophy is to forbear."

"That," said Merry well, "he yet has to learn, and I have my doubts
whether he will accomplish that desirable object while here. He has,
with a moderate allowance from his father, contrived to drive his
four-in-hand at times, to keep seven or more horses on his hunting and
Town establishments; has kept some of the most dashing and expensive
ladies, expensive male company; indulged in extravagant habits of all
sorts, and has twinkled for a while in the highest gambling circles.
A run of ill luck has at last sent him here, but not before he had
honoured almost all the horse-dealers, coach-makers, and saddlers,
gunsmiths and tavern-keepers in Town, with his custom, or rather with
his name on their books. His father is a man of considerable property,
which must eventually come to him, and he may yet form a conspicuous
figure in High Life."

"What have we here?" said Tallyho, stopping to read a paper displayed in
the window of a barber's shop.

"The old and only established shop at the prison
"price: shave well for one penny, hair fashionably cut
"for twopence, at 17 in 16, first staircase round the corner."

"Seventeen in sixteen--I don't understand this."

"Each of the doors," said Merry well, "which lead to the apartments is
numbered, as is likewise every room in each passage, by which means
much facility is afforded to visitors who come to make a call upon their
friends. The operator himself is a prisoner, and so are most of those
who carry on trades; but opportunities are afforded for any person to
come in and supply articles to the inhabitants; and at an early hour in
the morning you may hear almost all the cries of London."~59~~

"Milk, matches, eggs, and Epping sausages,
Greens, water-cresses, chips, geranium trees;
A brush or broom, deal wood, cow-heel, and tripe,
Fresh butter, oranges all round and ripe;
Rabbits, a kettle, jug, or coffee pot,
Eels, poultry, home-bak'd bread, and rolls all hot;
Shirt buttons, nosegays, coals, and God knows what
Such are the goods that pass the lobby door,
Cried in all tones that vary, squeak, and roar."

"A little further on," said Merry well, "is the public kitchen, where,
for a trifling fee, cooking is performed for the prisoners, and hot
water supplied at a penny per kettle. Then there is a coffee-room and
a tap-room for general accommodation, according to the circumstances of
the inmates; so that in point of fact there is little to be regretted
here, but the loss of liberty, and the want of money."

"Zounds," said Bob, "those two articles constitute all that is valuable
in life, and in their absence it dwindles into mere existence.

"And bare existence man to live ordained,
"Wrings and oppresses with enormous weight."

"I admit the justice of the remark, for to become an article of
vegetation, were it sure of continuance, would be one of the most
irksome, as well as degrading situations to which a man could be
reduced. But you should recollect, that the generality of persons who
study in this College expect an early termination of their privations,
by which hope is kept alive; and when the cherished hope is realized, of
escaping from these walls, all recollection of the past is banished;
and it is doubtful whether the temporary absence from the possibility
of indulging in folly does not increase the possibility as well as the
power, when at liberty."

"Who do you call that man with his hands in his pockets?" pointing to a
person at a short distance from them at the moment, in slovenly attire,
and with a vacant countenance.

"Hush," replied Merry well, "for we have modest men here as well as
elsewhere; men who, though they have rendered themselves famous (a more
delicate term than notorious) are not emulous of having their deeds
recorded in history, and are indeed very tenacious of satisfying
enquiries: his name is F--rr--ter, not quite so vacant as he looks; for
it is, generally speaking, not your empty-headed fellows who can arrive
at the honour of a residence here, it is rather those of brilliant
imagination, of aspiring talent, who have been determined to have money
for a time, without heeding the source from which it was derived--who
have been up to snuff, till they have reduced themselves to the
necessity of resting contented with the marrow-bone stage instead of a
phaeton or a ~60~~ curricle, and twopenny in lieu of claret The
person you allude to, however, is brother to Cecil F--rr--ter of Court
notoriety, and has really been in possession of considerable property.
It is said that his principal failing has been too strong an inclination
to resort to the law, and that upon the law and lawyers he has expended
the bulk of his fortune."

"He cuts a curious figure now, however," said Tallyho, "and every view
at first sight would take him for a. fortunate youth."

"Do you observe that man in mustachios, now talking with P----s? That
is Captain R----n, who bears a more striking resemblance in character to
the celebrated youth you mention; he had at one time inspired a belief
among those who knew him, that he was a man of property--married with a
view to realize it; and upon comparing notes after the nuptial knot
was tied, both parties discovered they were taken in; but it is not
ascertained whether this mutual disappointment ended with smiles."

"Why, it was no laughing matter," said Tom; "the lucky hit was all a
miss."

"Yes, there was a Miss taken, and a Biter bit. Love is a lottery as well
as life, and the chances two to one against the adventurer," replied
Dashall.

"It may be so," said Merrywell; "I am not fly{1} to the subject
at present; perhaps Sparkle could by this time unravel some of its
mysteries, and give beneficial lessons to us all: however, time is
flying, we will just make one more turn, and then to dinner with what
appetite we may. Do you observe the pericranium topp'd with a Prussian
cap, and the wearer with a pipe in his mouth?"

1 Fit--To be up to any thing, to understand, to know, or be
awake.

"I was on the point of enquiry," said Bob; "Pray who is he?"

"That is another Captain."

"Who! One would almost think you have the whole army of Martyrs confined
here," said Tallyho; "at all events, your ranks are not deficient of
officers."

"But then," said Dashall, "they are out of commission and out of
practice."

"For want of command," continued Merrywell; "though Capt. S----,
although never made a Commander in Chief, has been an exalted character,
having once been made ~61~~inspector of the pavement,{1} or in other
words knapp'd the stoop; and, if report says true, he has also figured
away in other situations equally honourable--a flash turf man--a naval
character, and a smuggler. But come, I have given you a sort of index by
which you may read, mark, and learn more, when we are more at leisure.
It is now half past three o'clock, and punctuality is always my motto."

1 Inspector of the pavement, or knapp'd the stoop--Cant term
for the pillory.

"Humph," ejaculated Tom; "Cash down, and no grumbling."

"D----n severity," was the reply; "no more of that, or we cut: touch my
honour, and you touch my life."

"Dot and go one," cried Dashall. "Come along, Bob!" and catching his
Cousin by the arm, they followed Merrywell in silence to his apartment
in the State House.

On arrival, they found the dinner on table; and Hakewell, true to his
appointment, arrived before them. The keen air of Surrey, though
rather confined, had furnished them with good appetites. Apologies
were banished, and to it they went without "let, hinderance, or
molestation"--the viands were good, the wines exquisite and plentiful.
The cloth being removed, mirth and conviviality were the order of the
day.

Confusion to soft heads and hard hearts!--Parks and pleasure ground s
without priories! were drank in bumpers with enthusiastic applause. The
merriment and hilarity of Merrywell and his fellow student crowned the
afternoon with as much pleasure and delight, as Bob conceived he
could have found under unlimited circumstances. The good humour and
hospitality of the host was manifested in the perfect satisfaction of
those he entertained; and about eight o'clock, when Rakewell began to
mangle his mother tongue, our friends, after dropping their mites
into the canisters held out for their bounty, repassed the gates, well
pleased and highly diverted with the information they had obtained,
and the occurrences of the day; and not a little exhilarated by the
Bacchanalian juice.

"Well," said Tallyho, "this is a scene of _Real Life_, which I should
judge could scarcely be equalled, and would almost induce one to wish
for an opportunity of a residence along with the Collegians."

~62~~ "Provided always nevertheless with an equal opportunity of leaving
it when we please," said Dashall; "and probably we have only seen one
of the best pictures it contains, for although we have been as jolly as
Sandboys, there is a large store of misery unseen. But let us proceed.
We shall soon be free from College Rules, and a thought strikes me, that
we can make a call on our road that will afford another view of society
equally amusing and refreshing. I have often observed to you, that in
order to see Life, there is no necessity to buz about with court flies,
to waste time and money in getting introduced to the tip tops of the
West, to join what are termed the fashionable circles, and to end a
fashionable career by a whereas or a whitewashing. The true student of
Real Life should occasionally mingle with all descriptions of persons,
mark the characters and their conduct; and, believe me, there are those
in the humblest situations, who enjoy themselves in their own way with
as much of heartfelt satisfaction as those in the highest, of which,
I think, I shall be able to give you a decided proof before we reach
home."

They now pursued their way along the London Road and over Westminster
Bridge, till Tom called a halt at the door of a friend.

"Come, Bob," said he, "here we must uncase--doff the present toggery,
and turn out in new trim for the evening."

"What!" enquired Bob, "another masquerade?"

"No, no," was the reply, "a temporary suspension of the dress and
character of a gentleman, in order to avoid being tormented and
suspected by the company to which I intend to introduce you."

Finding his friend at home, they were quickly supplied with tatter'd
garments and slouch'd hats, in which they again sallied forth, and about
nine o'clock they entered a low public-house in Scotland-yard.

[Illustration: page62 Public House]

"Fear nothing," said Tom, as they passed the threshold; "don't be
flurried by any thing said to you, 'tis only a heavy-wet party among the
coal-heaving coves."

As Bob entered the room, his very first action betrayed him, for, being
accustomed to genteel behaviour, he took off his hat, which was in a
moment knocked out of his hand by a hard featured fellow near him, whose
face indicated the want of water, although so near the river.

~63~~ "Order, order," was vociferated in an instant by a jolly
good-natured looking man exalted above the rest, who, at the
same moment, rapped the table with his knuckles--"This here vay,
gentlemen--Bill Muggins, mind you I arn't had your penny in the plate
for Backy."

"Vy, that's a lie!" roar'd out a Stentorian voice, "I never takes my
seat before I sees my vay clear upon the board. I put a crooked ha'
penny."

"Yes, and two bad fardens vhat an't vorth nothing,'' said another. "Make
him tip" cried a third, "or else stick him in the nitch."{1}

1 Stick him in the nitch--Send him to Coventry.

Bob having regained his castor, followed his Cousin to the other end
of the room, and after each depositing a penny in the plate, they took
their seats at the table, where, being supplied with a flowing quart,
they began to look around them.

The first thing which struck Tallyho's eye, was "No trust," printed in
large letters at one end of the room; a sort of indication, that a man
without money would not be likely to meet with agreeable entertainment:
then turning his head the other way, he discovered they were in a
house of call for Coal Porters. Before the president (who, by way of
distinction, had turned the broad flap of his coal-heaving hat forward
in the fashion of a huntsman's cap) was placed a small round table, on
which stood a gallon measure of heavy wet. On his right sat a worn-out
workman fast asleep, and occasionally affording his friends around him a
snoring accompaniment to a roar of laughter.