Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"Come," said Tom, "I've no fear of your eye while you can muster a
couplet; so let us proceed."

Crossing Black friars Bridge, and approaching the road, Bob, who had
assuaged the pain of which he had previously ~42~~ been complaining,
could not help admiring the extensive range of nouses on each side of
the way, terminated by a handsome building in the distance.

"That Building," said Dashall, "will be the extent of our journey, for
very near to it is the habitation of Merrywell, where I entertain no
doubt you will find enough for observation of a useful as well as
a humorous nature: for an epitome of men and manners is there to be
obtained."

"Here are abundance of subjects worthy of inspection in this quarter,"
replied Tom, "and we therefore ought not to exhaust too much time on
one, so let us proceed: do you see that high wall to the right? That is
the Magdalen Hospital,{1} established for the relief and

1 The Magdalen Hospital in Blackfriars Road, enclosed from
public view, occupies an extensive space of ground, and is
from the nature of its inhabitants very properly so
enclosed. It was opened in the year 1758, and it must be a
delightful reflection to its governors, that during the
period it has subsisted, more than two-thirds of the women
who have been admitted have been reconciled to their
friends, or placed in honest employments or reputable
services: besides which, a very considerable portion have
since been married, and are at this moment respectable
members of society: circumstances which prove the great and
important utility of this admirable institution.

There is no prescribed time for the objects of this charity
to remain in the house, it being varied according to
circumstances. Every effort is made use of to find out their
relations and friends, if possible, to bring about a
reconciliation with them, and if they prove to be persons of
character, to put them under their protection. If, however,
the young women are destitute of such friends, they are kept
in the house till an opportunity offers of placing them in
reputable services, or otherwise procuring them the means of
obtaining an honest livelihood, and they never discharge any
one without providing for her. There have been but few
discharged beyond the age of twenty years.

The general business of the establishment is conducted by a
Committee consisting of 32 Governors, who meet at the
Hospital every Thursday at twelve o'clock precisely, except
on the first Thursday of every mouth, when they meet at
eleven. Two of them attend at the Chapel in rotation every
Sunday at morning and evening service, when a collection is
made at the door on entrance. The hours of divine service
are a quarter after eleven in the forenoon, and a quarter
after six in the evening; and on account of the fascination
of the singing, no place of worship in the Metropolis is
more worthy of the notice of strangers.

An opportunity is afforded to companies who wish to visit
this charity, by addressing a request by letter to the
Committee any Thursday, or to A. Bonnet, Esq. the Treasurer,
any day in the week, and no fees are allowed to be taken.

reformation of wretched outcasts from society. The principle on which
it is founded, entitles it to the countenance and support of the public,
and particularly of the female sex, the object being to reclaim and
restore to virtue such wanderers in the labyrinths of vice as are not
totally depraved."~43~~

"Admirable intentions indeed," cried Tallyho, "if they are but as well
carried into effect."

"The records of the establishment have proved its advantages to society,
or rather, I should say, to its conductors, for they are of a nature
which cannot be publicly exposed, without much private injury to
the individuals who partake of them. It is, however, not a little
remarkable, that till lately, on the very opposite side of the road, the
neighbourhood has exhibited scenes of vice, immorality, and indecency,
which it is the great object of this Charity if possible to prevent, by
an endeavour to reclaim the miserable and deluded wretches from their
evil ways. I remember the late John Home Tooke related in the House of
Commons a curious anecdote, in allusion to himself and his situation
at the time, in which this institution was mentioned, and which excited
considerable interest.

"It is well known that the late John Home Tooke, of political memory as
the reputed tutor of a certain patriotic Baronet of the present day, as
well as the author of the Diversions of Purley, and a correspondent
of the yet undiscovered Junius, was a reverend divine of the Church
of England; and when he became a Member of Parliament, it was objected
against him that no person in Holy Orders could hold a seat in the
honourable House of Commons. In his reply, he very ingeniously observed,
that this objection reminded him of an applicant for admission to the
Magdalen, who, upon being exhorted by the Chaplain to forsake her
evil ways, replied that she was not aware of his meaning, and upon
explanation she was excluded from the Charity, because she was not bad
enough to require reforming. 'This,' said Mr. Home Tooke, 'is exactly
my case; because I am in Holy Orders I must leave the House, and
after committing some act of impropriety to lose my gown, I may yet be
eligible for a Member of this Assembly.'"

"Pointed enough," said Bob Tallyho.

"Yes," replied Tom; "and having mentioned the name of the man, you may
perhaps recollect the order of the day, ~44~~ as well as the curious
definition (before the Commissioners of the Income Tax) as to how a man
lives who has no income at all. Being interrogated by the Commissioners,
as to how he obtained his living, Mr. Home Tooke replied as
follows:--'Why, it appears to me, Gentlemen, that there are three modes
by which a person may obtain a living; the first is by begging--now
this I am too proud to submit to;--the second, by stealing--this I don't
choose to resort to;--and the third is by the exercise of the wits--and
this, Gentlemen, I presume, you know nothing about.'

"Here," said Dashall, "is the Surrey Theatre, formerly denominated the
Royal Circus. I shall, however, dispatch my description of it in a very
few words, as we will ere long pay a visit to its interior. It is a
neat building, and shews a good front to the road; is fitted up with a
considerable degree of elegance, and is a very convenient theatre. It
was originally conducted by Hughes and Jones, and its exhibitions were
both scenic and equestrian, something in the style of what Astley's
Amphitheatre is now; but you must see the one in order to form an idea
of the other. Horses are now banished at this place, where, under
an annual license from the magistrates of the county, burlettas,
melodramas, dancing, and pantomimes are got up, and performed in a style
which would not disgrace even the patent theatres. It is at present
under the management of Mr. Dibdin, a son of the celebrated writer of
so many of our national, patriotic, and characteristic ballads.--Just
through the turnpike, the building which gives a sort of finish to the
road, is the School for the Indigent Blind; at the back of which is the
Philanthropic Institution, calculated to unite the purposes of charity
with those of industry and police, to rescue from destruction the
offspring of the vicious and criminal; and Bethlem Hospital, for the
care and cure of insane persons, well deserving of minute inspection;
and to the right, at the corner of a road which leads from Westminster
Bridge towards Vauxhall, is an Asylum for Female Orphans, which, as the
Magdalen was intended to reclaim prostitutes, was originally intended to
prevent prostitution. To the left again is the King's Bench; and as
that is our present place of destination, we will forego any further
description, till another opportunity.

"I cannot, however, refrain a few remarks on the ~45~~situation we are
now in, for from this place may be seen the children of penance (the
Magdalen); the children of darkness (the School for the Indigent Blind);
the insane (New Bethlem); the infatuated and fanatic (the congregations
of the Zoar Chapel, and the faithful of mewses, garrets, and wooden
tabernacles); the children of Thespis and Terpsichore (the Surrey
Theatre), mingled together as it were with the debtor and the captive
(the King's Bench): at least, placing ourselves at this obelisk in the
centre of the road, the mind's eye can comprehend them within a short
distance of each other."

"And a curious admixture of the useful and the sweet it certainly is,"
exclaimed Tallyho, anxious to give his Cousin a little respite, while
they turned to the left on their way to the Bench.

"You will find," continued Tom, "all the before-mentioned infirmities,
blindness, infatuation, madness, and profligacy, within the walls that
we shall shortly enter, without the repentant spirit of the Sisters
within the walls we have just passed. You will also find there is
a plenty of self-interest and hypocrisy combined with them; nay, an
hospital of incurables is only wanting to complete the scene. It is not
till lately that a little reform has been effected in this quarter, for
Dover Street and its vicinity, as I before observed, so near to these
benevolent charities and to the walls of a prison, have been the sink
of female profligacy, of the lowest, most dangerous, and most disgusting
kind; and suffered too long to pollute the streams of charity and impede
the road to reform. However, at length the nuisance is removed, at least
the public appearance of it, though the neighbourhood is not altogether
bereft of its private negociations and stolen accommodations. But come,
now for an interior view of the. Abbott's Park, its interesting scenery,
and its multi-farious characters. There you shall see what you shall
see, and Merrywell will tell you more in ten minutes than you might wish
to know in your whole life, I mean practically, though it is well to
know in theory what ought never to be reduced to experiment."~46~~

CHAPTER IV

"----Give me leave to ask a question;
Pray, in the King's Bench have you ever been?
The Bench! Good Heaven! how shocking a suggestion!
Was e'er so saucy a companion seen?

Well, you ne'er saw the place; or if you did,
'Twere better not too closely to surmise;
Enough, enough, those frowns the thought forbid,
Who sees too much is rarely counted wise;
I rather boast that mine are prudent eyes;
Persons and things so quietly they read,
Nor by a glance confess they scrutinize,
That thoughtless lookers think me blind indeed,
When of themselves I take the strictest heed.
But since you wish me to believe that College
Ne'er gave its finish to your education,
I, of its laws and customs having knowledge,
Ere I take up the thread of my narration,
Must say a little for your information."

THEY had now passed the outer gates of the prison, and entered a court
yard surrounded by a wall, which enclosed some good looking houses.

"These houses," said Dashall, "are occupied by the principal officers of
the place, and devoted to purposes of business, or let out by them for
the accommodation of those who' have purchased the privilege of the
Rules. This door directly opposite the gate, is the only entrance to the
Park."

[Illustration: page46 King's Bench]

They next passed up the steps, and entered a gloomy apartment, where
after a few minutes a Turnkey, surveying their persons rather minutely,
opened the ponderous door, which admitted them to an inner court of
confined dimensions. Bob looked around him with surprise after the
description of his Cousin, and began to think he had been vamping up
imaginary pictures of what was not to be realized; however, hearing
a variety of voices, and perceiving another gate, he quelled his
conjectures and ~47~~ followed Dashall, who, upon knocking at the door,
was surveyed from a sort of loop-hole by the keeper within, who quickly
gave them entrance; and the spacious appearance of the parade, racquet
ground, and habitations, and a moving panorama of personages of both
sexes, attracted his immediate attention.

Gazing with enquiring eyes upon this world-within-walls,{1} they
scarcely heeded the variety of salutations with which they were greeted
on entering, such as nods, winks, and touches on the shoulder from one
who appeared as unconscious of such familiarity as if he had for some
time been wholly absorbed in the solution of a mathematical problem,
or the horse-laugh of the ignorant and vulgar, by whom they found
themselves surrounded. Struggling through the throng, Dashall impelled
his Cousin forward, repeating as he proceeded,

"How many o'er this threshold pass that mouru,
Wanting our power at pleasure to return;
A moment let us pause ere we ascend
The gallery that leads us to our friend;
Survey the place, where all that meets your view,
Is full of interest, and strangely new.
Could we but hide those grinning spikes awhile,
Borne spacious barrack we might think the pile."

"However," continued he, "I perceive we are quizzed, we will just take
a turn round, and probably we may meet Merrywell, if not, we will soon
find him out by enquiry. You perceive, they have the accommodation of
a butcher's shop, and a baker's, besides green stalls, fish stalls,
and chandlers' shops, which give the place the appearance of a public
market, while the racquet players and others amusing themselves in
various ways, resemble that of a fair."

"Indeed," said Tallyho, "your description is just, for I have as yet
seen but few sorrowful faces, every one seems to have some object in
view, either of business or pleasure, almost as attractive as those
without the walls."

~48~~ "And in many instances," continued Dashall, "of as much, nay, more
interest. However, you perceive the

1 The walls of the King's Bench are about thirty feet high,
sur-mounted by a _chevaux de frieze_, and as a place of
confinement, it is of great though uncertain antiquity.

accommodation of the inmates has been studied by the founders of the
College. Water is well supplied from four pumps, and were it not that
the walls intercept the views, a man here might almost consider himself
in his own habitation, with only one drawback."

"And what is that?" enquired Tallyho.

"Merely, that like the starling, he can't get out."

"How now," said Merry well, who had espied the entrance of his friends
from the window of his apartment, and immediately descended to greet
them--touching the Honourable Tom Dashall on the shoulder, while he
seized Bob by the opposite arm.

"What are you a'ter, exploring the secrets of the prison-house?"

Mutual congratulations having passed, Merrywell welcomed them to
his habitation, significantly informing them at the same time, that
notwithstanding his powers of entertainment were just then not what he
could wish, all was right, the trick was done, that he was arranging
for a house in the Rules, _pro tempore_, and that it would not be long
before he should have the honour of meeting them in a way that would be
more agreeable to all parties. "However," continued he, "if you can bear
a confined apartment, I promise you shall have nothing else to complain
of. Can you put up with pot-luck in a prison?"

"Certainly," was the reply, "our object was to spend a convivial hour
with you, to wile away a little of the time, to see and learn, to take
a peep at things as they are, and to form our judgments upon their
existence."

"Then," replied Merrywell, "you have arrived _en bon heure_, for in this
place a volume of information may be obtained, which, if judiciously
applied, must prove beneficial; and while dinner is preparing, I can
afford you abundance of amusement; so come along, we must move round
this way to the gate again, in order to take any thing like an accurate
survey, and I can furnish some anecdotes of the paraders, the players,
the officers of the Court, and the visitors, which cannot fail to prove
interesting. This, however, must be done with caution, for suspicion is
ever active, and jealousy constantly awake within these walls; and as
I mean to give you sketches of individual characters, rather than a
general view of ~49~~ the society with which I am now in association, a
little discretion may be well made use of."

"Now let us analyse, but not too loud,
If wise, the composition of this crowd;
Made up from native soil and foreign clime,
Of waste and folly, accident and crime.
Here join the Speculator and the Fool,
Greybeards, and youngsters rather tit for school,
(At least for any school but this alone,
Where College vices in the shade are thrown.)
Of pugilists, of haberdashers, jugglers,
Horse jockeys, swindlers, Bond Street beaux, and smugglers,
By hollow friendship some in prison thrown,
By others' follies some--more by their own."

By this time they had traversed round the open walk of the prison, and
on arriving at the place of entrance--

"Do you observe that small building on the right? it is called the State
House, and contains the largest and most convenient rooms; it is usually
devoted to the accommodation of such as are best enabled to pay; and
there are persons residing here, who live as well, and in as dashing
a style as those without the walls, or at least pay as much for their
living. On the left hand you may also perceive the chapel, for the
spiritual wants of those confined are not to be forgotten."

"There, in the centre, is the chapel door,
With ever changing notices spread o'er:
Whatever doctrines may within be taught,
With words of peace that door is rarely fraught:
For there, mid notices of beds for hire,
Of concerts in the state-house by desire,
Some ill-spelt scrawl demands the mighty debt
Of half a crown, with a ferocious threat;
Some traitorous agent is denounced; some spy,
That blabb'd of gin, is hung in effigy;
Here angry fools proclaim the petty jar,
And clumsy pasquinades provoke to war."

By this time they had reached the door of the Chapel, which, by the
various placards pasted against it, fully confirmed the description of
Merrywell.

Bob, casting his eyes around him, discovered much for enquiry. "Who are
those in the corner in close conversation together?"

"The farthest from us," replied Merrywell, "is a Jew attorney, well
acquainted with all the shuffling arts of the ~50~~ place; one who can
explain the whole game, from raising the wind, down to the White-washing
Act, for the knowledge and experience of gentlemen in these days are
astonishing. You would scarcely believe it, but such is the fact, there
are rakes of quality and of fashion, who are their own farriers,
horse dealers, who know every trick upon the cards and dice--cutting,
shuffling, slipping, cogging, securing; who have cards and dice always
at hand, and ready made to their hand; who, although they are awake to a
good thing, know the odds to a nicety, and can give or take according
as it may best suit their purpose, yet are not properly initiated in all
requisite mysteries, till a sort of finish is given to their education,
by a temporary retirement here; where they learn a sufficiency of the
law to give information on all the quirks and quibbles of the arrest
laws, of bailing, demurring, justifying bail, putting in bail above, of
writs of error, county and Marshalsea writs, of letters of licence, the
laws against usury, the bankrupt laws, and finally of acts of grace;
perhaps the last and only one in their lives bearing that name: but we
must walk on, or we may be overheard."

"Then," said Dashall, "you are by this time pretty well acquainted with
the characters of your companions, and expect to leave the College with
more information than you previously possessed."

"No doubt of it," was the reply; "but as my case was not desperate,
I have not sought desperate remedies. I am at this moment supposed by
certain friends of mine to be in the gay city of Paris, enjoying all
the luxuries of the Thuilleries, the Louvre, the Palais Royal, and the
Elysian Fields; and I doubt not I shall be able to convince an old rich
uncle of mine of the fact. And as my expectations chiefly rest on him,
and he cannot last long, I shall upon liberation make my approaches to
him with a little of the French polish I am preparing while here. This,
however, is selfish conversation."

"Yet perfectly in point," continued Dashall.

"And equally interesting too," said Bob.

"Do you see," said Merrywell, "that young man buttoned up to the chin,
in what has been a blue great coat? He is one of the lecturers."

"Lecturers?" enquired Tallyho; "what, have you lectures in the College?"

~51~~ "Undoubtedly we have, on subjects of the utmost importance too.
That young man, who began the world with slender property, but who
contrived by a strict adherence to ways and means to cut a dashing
figure, and live as if he had a large fortune, is in possession of
volumes of information, which he is willing to retail to such as require
it. What are termed lecturers here, are needy debtors, who put up young
men less knowing than themselves, for money or for a dinner; and his
experience is great, for when he had worn out all quarters of the town
in the way of trick, when the fashionable watering places were teeming
with clamorous creditors, when he was expelled from all the clubs in
consequence of not paying his subscriptions, nay, when he owed almost
all the waiters money, he came to this place nearly pennyless, and now,
by singing a good song, telling a tough story, and occasionally giving
lectures to his brothers in confinement, he manages to get a good dinner
daily, and seldom goes to bed sober."

"Then his ways and means are not yet exhausted; he must be a good
financier, and might be made very useful to the Minister," replied Tom;
"and it is really a pity such talents are not duly appreciated."

"Who is that little stout man who passed you just now with a nod of the
head?" enquired Tallyho.

"That," answered Merrywell, "is Capt. W----, a sort of walking
automaton, a kind of medley of incomprehensibles, something like
pedants' periods, very inanimate, and as you perceive, very round. He
was formerly a button maker, but having a desire to sink the shank, he
enlisted under the banners of Cupid, paid his addresses to one of the
Queen's maids, carried the fortress by a _coup de main_, and gained a
safe lodgement in the covert way, by taking the oath of allegiance at
the altar of Hymen. Spurning buttons, he aspired to the epaulette, and
was appointed paymaster to the 7th Hussars. Then he set up a coach to
run to and from Maidenhead. This being one iron too many in the fire,
soon became too hot for him. He defaulted for a considerable sum, and
has been in quod for four years. Here comes a beau of the first order, a
Colonel, and a most determined Dandy, even in confinement. Colonel R----
adheres as much to the nicety of dress in this place, as he would for
a military appearance on parade. He ~52~~ is Colonel of the New Grenada
Horse. I have not yet learned much of his former pursuits or his origin.
There is, however, an anecdote of him circulated, which prove the
admirable fitness of such a person for such a command. It is said
that when he obtained his appointment, he very significantly asked
the General, what stocks he should have for his guns, meaning the gun
carriages."

"That's a little too severe," cried Dashall, laughing at the same time,
"it was but a _lapsus linguae_, such as might happen to any man."

"I claim no merit in the relation," was the reply; "however, it has
raised many a laugh at his expence, and as I had it so you now have it.
But we have other game in view, and must not be exhausting our time in
criticising immaterial points of propriety.

"Here ruin'd Lawyers, ruin'd Clients meet;
Here Doctors their consumptive Patients greet,
Sick of one malady that mocks all skill,
Without the true specific golden pill
Here finished Tailors, never to be paid,
Turn eyes on many a coat themselves have made;
And Bailiffs, caught by their own arts at last,
Meet those their capias yesterday made fast.
There stalks a youth whose father, for reform,
Has shut him up where countless vices swarm.
But little is that parent skill'd to trace
The springs of action,--little knows the place,
Who sends an ailing mind to where disease
Its inmost citadel of health may seize."