Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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Here also were two statues of Roman workmanship, supposed to be those
of Marcus Aurelius and Severus, ancient, but evidently of provincial
sculpture.

Mrs. Tabitha, shading her eyes with her fan, and casting a glance askew
at the two naked figures, which exhibited the perfection of symmetry,
enquired of her Nephew who they were meant to represent.

His answer was equally eccentric with that accorded to his Uncle on the
subject of the Sarcophagus.

"My dear Madam!" said Jaz, "these two figures are consanguineous to
those of Gog and Magog in Guildhall, being the lineal descendants of
these mighty associates of the Livery of London!"

"But, Jaz" rejoined the antique dame, "I always understood that
Messieurs Gog and Magog derived their origin from quite a different
family."

"Aunt of mine," responded Jaz, "the lofty rubicunded Civic Baronet
shall not be 'shorn of his beams;' he claims the same honour with
his brainless brothers before us-he is a scion of the same tree; Sir
W*ll**m, the twin brothers of Guildhall, and these two sedate Gentlemen
of stone, all boast the honour of the same extraction!"

Behind them, on the right, was a ram's head of very curious workmanship,
from Thebes.

"Perhaps, Sir," said Mrs. Tabitha, graciously addressing herself to
'Squire Tallyho, "you can inform us what may be the import of this
singular exhibition?"

"On my honour, Madam," answered the 'Squire, "I cannot satisfactorily
resolve the enquiry; I am a country ~12~~ gentleman, and though
conversant with rains and rams' horns in my own neighbourhood, have no
knowledge of them with reference to the connexion of the latter with the
Citizens of London or Westminster!"

Jaz again assumed the office of expositor.--"My very reverend Aunt,"
said Jaz, "I must prolegomenize the required explanation with a simple
anecdote:--

"When Charles the Second returned from one of his northern tours,
accompanied by the Earl of Rochester, he passed through Shoreditch. On
each side the road was a huge pile of rams' horns, for what purpose
tradition saith not. 'What is the meaning of all this?' asked the
King, pointing towards the symbolics. 'I know not,' rejoined Rochester,
'unless it implies that the Citizens of London have laid their heads
together, to welcome your Majesty's return!' In commemoration of this
witticism, the ram's head is to the Citizens of London a prominent
feature of exhibition in the British Museum."

This interpretation raised a laugh at the expense of Timothy Surety,
who, nevertheless, bore it with great good humour, being a bachelor, and
consequently not within the scope of that ridicule on the basis of which
was founded the present sarcastic fabric.

It was now obvious to Dash all and his friend, that this young man,
Jasper Surety, was not altogether the ignoramus at first presumed. They
had already been entertained by his remarks, and his annotations were
of a description to warrant the expectancy of further amusement in the
progress of their inspection.

From the hall the visitors were led through an iron gateway to the
great staircase, opposite the bottom of which is preserved a model in
mahogany, exhibiting the method used by Mr. Milne in constructing the
works of Blackfriars' Bridge; and beneath it are some curious fragments
from the Giant's Causeway in Ireland.

These fragments, however highly estimated by the naturalist and the
antiquary, were held in derision by the worldly-minded Tim. Surety,
who exclaimed against the folly of expending money in the purchase of
articles of no intrinsic value, calculated only to gratify the curiosity
of those inquisitive idlers who affect their admiration of every
uninteresting production of Nature, and neglect the pursuit of the main
chance, so necessary in realizing the comforts of life.

~13~~ These sordid ideas were opposed by Dashall and the 'Squire, to
whom they seemed particularly directed. Mrs. Tabitha smiled a gracious
acquiescence in the sentiments of the two strangers, and Jasper
expressed his regret that Nuncle was not gifted and fated as Midas of
ancient times, who transformed every thing that he touched into gold!

The Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities next attracted the attention of
the visitors. Over a doorway in this room is a fine portrait of Sir
William Hamilton, painted by Sir Joshua Reynolds. Dashall and Tallyho
remarked with enthusiasm on these beautiful relics of the sculpture
of former ages, several of which were mutilated and disfigured by the
dilapidations of time and accident. Of the company present, there stood
on the left a diminutive elderly gentleman in the act of contemplating
the fragment of a statue in a posterior position, and which certainly
exhibited somewhat of a ludicrous appearance; on the right, the
exquisite Jasper pointed out, with the self-sufficiency of an amateur,
the masculine symmetry of a Colossian statue to his Aunt of antiquated
virginity, whose maiden purity recoiling from the view of nudation,
seemed to say, "Jaz, wrap an apron round him!" while in the foreground
stood the rotunditive form of Timothy Surety, who declared, after a
cursory and contemptuous glance at the venerable representatives of
mythology, "That with the exception of the portrait of Sir William
Hamilton, there was not in the room an object worth looking at; and as
for them there ancient statutes," (such was his vernacular idiom and
Bearbinder barbarism) "I would not give twopence for the whole of this
here collection, if it was never for nothing else than to set them up as
scare-crows in the garden of my country house at Edmonton!"

Jasper whispered his aunt, that nuncks was a vile bore; and the
sacrilegious declaration gave great offence to the diminutive gentleman
aforesaid, who hesitated not in pronouncing Timothy Surety destitute of
taste and vertu; to which accusation Timothy, rearing his squat form
to its utmost altitude, indignantly replied, "that there was not an
alderman in the City of London of better taste than himself in the
qualities of callipash and callipee, and that if the little gemmen
presumed again to asperse his vartue, he would bring an action against
him tor slander and defamation of character." The minikin man gave
Timothy a glance of ineffable disdain, and left the room. Mrs. ~14~~
Tabitha, in the full consciousness of her superior acquirements, now
directed a lecture of edification to her brother, who, however, manfully
resisted her interference, and swore, that "where his taste and
_vartue_ were called in question he would not submit to any _she_ in the
universe."

Mrs. Tabitha, finding that on the present occasion her usual success
would not predominate, suspended, like a skilful manoeuvreist,
unavailable attack, and, turning to her nephew, required to know what
personage the tall figure before them was meant to represent. Jasper
felt not qualified correctly to answer this enquiry, yet unwilling to
acknowledge his ignorance, unhesitatingly replied, "One of the ancient
race of architects who built the Giant's Causeway in the north of
Ireland." This sapient remark excited a smile from the two friends,
who shortly afterwards took an opportunity of withdrawing from further
intercourse with the Bearbinder triumviri, and enjoyed with a more
congenial party the remaining gratification which this splendid national
institution is so well calculated to inspire.

Extending their observations to the various interesting objects of this
magnificent establishment, the two prominent heroes of our eventful
history derived a pleasure only known to minds of superior intelligence,
to whom the wonders of art and nature impart the acme of intellectual
enjoyment.

Having been conducted through all the different apartments, the
two friends, preparing to depart, the 'Squire tendered a pecuniary
compliment to the Guide, in return for his politeness, but which, to the
surprise of the donor, was refused; the regulations of the institution
strictly prohibiting the acceptance by any of its servants of fee or
reward from a visitor, under the penalty of dismissal.{1}

1 Although the limits of this work admit not a minute detail
of the rarities of the British Museum, yet a succinct
enumeration of a few particulars may not prove unacceptable
to our Readers.

In the first room, which we have already noticed, besides
the Egyptian and Etruscan antiquities, is a stand filled
with reliques of ancient Egypt, amongst which are numerous
small representatives of mummies that were used as patterns
for those who chose and could afford to be embalmed at their
decease.

The second apartment is principally devoted to works of art,
be-ginning with Mexican curiosities. The corners opposite
the light are occupied by two Egyptian mummies, richly
painted, which were both brought from the catacombs of
Sakkara, near Grand Cairo.

The third room exhibits a rich collection of curiosities
from the South Pacific Ocean, brought by Capt. Cook. In the
left corner is the mourning dress of an Otaheitean lady, in
which taste and barbarity are curiously blended. Opposite
are the rich cloaks and helmets of feathers from the
Sandwich Islands.

The visitor next enters the manuscript department, the first
room of which is small, and appropriated chiefly to the
collections of Sir Hans Sloane. The next room is completely
filled with Sir Robert Harley's manuscripts, afterwards Earl
of Oxford, one of the most curious of which is a volume of
royal letters, from 1437 to the time of Charles I.. The next
and last room of the manuscript department is appropriated
to the ancient royal library of manuscripts, and Sir Robert
Cotton's, with a few-later donations. On the table, in the
middle of the room, is the famous Magna Charta of King John;
it is written on a large roll of parchment, and was much
damaged in the year 1738, when the Cotton library took fire
at Westminster, but a part of the broad seal is yet annexed.

We next reach the great saloon, which is finely ornamented
with fresco paintings by Baptiste. Here are a variety of
Roman remains, such as dice, tickets for the Roman theatres,
mirrors, seals for the wine casks, lamps, &c. and a
beautiful bronze head of Homer, which was found near
Constantinople.

The mineral room is the next object of attention. Here are
fossils of a thousand kinds, and precious stones, of various
colours and splendours, composing a collection of
astonishing beauty and magnificence.

Next follows the bird room; and the last apartment contains
animals in spirits, in endless variety. And here the usual
exhibition of the house closes.

~15~~ Issuing from the portals of the Museum, "Apropos," said Dashall,
"we are in the vicinity of Russell-square, the residence of my
stock-broker; I have business of a few moments continuance to transact
with him--let us proceed to his residence."

A lackey, whose habiliment, neat but not gaudy, indicated the
unostentatious disposition of his master,, answered the summons of the
knocker: "Mr. C. was gone to his office at the Royal Exchange."

"The gentleman who occupies this mansion," observed Dashall to his
friend, as they retired from the door, "illustrates by his success in
life, the truth of the maxim so frequently impressed on the mind of the
school-boy, that perseverance conquers all difficulties. Mr. C, unaided
by any other recommendation than that of his own unassuming modest
merit, entered the very ~16~~ respectable office of which he is now
the distinguished principal, in the situation of a young man who has no
other prospect of advancement than such as may accrue from rectitude of
conduct, and the consequent approbation and patronage of his employer.
By a long exemplary series of diligence and fidelity, he acquired the
confidence of, and ultimately became a partner in the firm. His strictly
conscientious integrity and uniform gentlemanly urbanity have thus
gained him a preference in his profession, and an ample competency is
now the well-merited meed of his industry."

"Combining with its enjoyment," responded the 'Squire, "the exercise of
benevolent propensities."

"Exactly so much so, that his name appears as an annual subscriber to
nearly all the philanthropic institutions of the metropolis, and his
private charities besides are numerous and reiterated."

"This, then, is one of the few instances (said the 'Squire) of Real Life
in London, where private fortune is so liberally applied in relief of
suffering humanity--it is worthy of indelible record."

Circumambulating the square, the two observers paused opposite the fine
statue of the late Francis Duke of Bedford.

The graceful proportion, imposing elevation, and commanding attitude of
the figure, together with the happy combination of skill and judgment
by the artist, in the display on the pedestal of various agricultural
implements, indicating the favourite and useful pursuits of this
estimable nobleman, give to the whole an interesting appearance, and
strongly excite those feelings of regret which attend the recollection
of departed worth and genius. Proceeding down the spacious new street
directly facing the statue, our perambulators were presently in
Bedford-square, in which is the effigy of the late eminent statesman
Charles James Fox: the figure is in a sitting posture, unfavourable
to our reminiscences of the first orator of any age or country, and
is arrayed in the Roman toga: the face is a striking likeness, but the
effect on the whole is not remarkable. The two statues face each other,
as if still in friendly recognition; but the sombre reflections of
Dashall and his friend were broke in upon by a countryman with, "Beant
that Measter Fox, zur?" "His effigy, my ~17~~friend." "Aye, aye, but
what the dickens ha've they wrapt a blanket round un vor?"

Proceeding along Charlotte Street, Bloomsbury, the associates in
search of Real Life were accosted by a decent looking countryman in a
smock-frock, who, approaching them in true clod-hopping style, with a
strong provincial accent, detailed an unaffectedly simple, yet deep tale
of distress:

"----Oppression fore'd from his cot,
His cattle died, and blighted was his corn!"

The story which he told was most pathetic, the tears the while coursing
each other down his cheeks; and Dashall and his friend were about to
administer liberally to his relief, the former observing, "There can be
no deception here," when the applicant was suddenly pounced upon by an
officer, as one of the greatest impostors in the Metropolis, who, with
the eyes of Argus, could transform themselves into a greater variety of
shapes than Proteus, and that he had been only fifty times, if not more,
confined in different houses of correction as an incorrigible rogue
and vagabond, from one of which he had recently contrived to effect his
escape. The officer now bore off his prize in triumph, while Dashall,
hitherto "the most observant of all observers," sustained the laugh
of his Cousin at the knowing one deceived, with great good humour, and
Dashall, adverting to his opinion so confidently expressed, "There can
be no deception here," declared that in London it was impossible to
guard in every instance against fraud, where it is frequently practised
with so little appearance of imposition.

The two friends now bent their course towards Covent Garden, which,
reaching without additional incident, they wiled away an hour at
Robins's much to their satisfaction. That gentleman, in his professional
capacity, generally attracts in an eminent degree the attention of his
visitors by his professional politeness, so that he seldom fails to
put off an article to advantage; and yet he rarely resorts to the puff
direct, and never indulges in the puff figurative, so much practised by
his renowned predecessor, the late knight of the hammer, Christie, the
elder, who by the superabundancy of his rhetorical ~18~~flurishes, was
accustomed from his elevated rostrum to edify and amuse his admiring
auditory.{1}

Of the immense revenues accruing to his Grace the Duke of Bedford,
not the least important is that derived from Covent Garden market. As
proprietor of the ground, from every possessor of a shed or stall, and
from all who take their station as venders in the market, a rent is
payable to his Grace, and collected weekly; considering, therefore,
the vast number of occupants, the aggregate rental must be of the first
magnitude. His Grace is a humane landlord, and his numerous tenantry
of Covent Garden are always ready to join in general eulogium on his
private worth, as is the nation at large on the patriotism of his public
character.

Dashall conducted his friend through every part of the Market, amidst a
redundancy of fruit, flowers, roots and vegetables, native and exotic,
in variety and profusion, exciting the merited admiration of the
Squire, who observed, and perhaps justly, that this celebrated emporium
unquestionably is not excelled by any other of a similar description in
the universe.

1 The late Mr. Christie having at one time a small tract of
land under the hammer, expatiated at great length on its
highly improved state, the exuberant beauties with which
Nature had adorned this terrestrial Paradise, and more
particularly specified a delightful hanging wood.

A gentleman, unacquainted with Mr. Christie's happy talent
at exaggerated description, became the highest bidder, paid
his deposit, and posted down into Essex to examine his new
purchase, when, to his great surprise and disappointment, he
found no part of the description realized, the promised
Paradise having faded into an airy vision, "and left not a
wreck behind!" The irritated purchaser immediately returned
to town, and warmly expostulated with the auctioneer on the
injury he had sustained by unfounded representation; "and as
to a hanging wood, Sir, there is not the shadow of a tree on
the spot!" "I beg your pardon, Sir," said the pertinacious
eulogist, "you must certainly have overlooked the gibbet on
the common, and if that is not a hanging wood, I know not
what it is!"

Another of Mr. Christie's flights of fancy may not unaptly
be termed the puff poetical. At an auction of pictures,
dwelling in his usual strain of eulogium on the unparalleled
excellence of a full-length portrait, without his producing
the desired effect, "Gentlemen," said he, "1 cannot, in
justice to this sublime art, permit this most invaluable
painting to pass from under the hammer, without again
soliciting the honour of your attention to its manifold
beauties. Gentlemen, it only wants the touch of Prometheus
to start from the canvass and fall abidding!"

~19~~ Proceeding into Leicester Square, the very extraordinary
production of female genius, Miss Linwood's Gallery of Needlework
promised a gratification to the Squire exceeding in novelty any thing
which he had hitherto witnessed in the Metropolis. The two
friends accordingly entered, and the anticipations of Tallyho were
superabundantly realized.

This exhibition consists of seventy-five exquisite copies in needlework,
of the finest pictures of the English and foreign schools, possessing
all the correct drawing, just colouring, light and shade of the original
pictures from whence they are taken, and to which in point of effect
they are in no degree inferior.

From the door in Leicester Square the visitants entered the principal
room, a fine gallery of excellent proportions, hung with scarlet
broad-cloth, gold bullion tassels, and Greek borders. The appearance
thus given to the room is pleasing, and indicated to the Squire a still
more superior attraction. His Cousin Dashall had frequently inspected
this celebrated exhibition, but' to Tallyho it was entirely new.

On one side of this room the pictures are hung, and have a guard in
front to keep the company at the requisite distance, and for preserving
them.

Turning to the left, a long and obscure passage prepares the mind,
and leads to the cell of a prison, on looking into which is seen the
beautiful Lady Jane Gray, visited by the Abbot and keeper of the Tower
the night before her execution.

This scene particularly elicited the Squire's admiration; the deception
of the whole, he observed, was most beautiful, and not exceeded by
any work from the pencil of the painter, that he had ever witnessed.
A little farther on is a cottage, the casement of which opens, and the
hatch at the door is closed; and, on looking in at either, our visitants
perceived a fine and exquisitely finished copy of Gainsborough's Cottage
Children standing by the fire, with chimney-piece and cottage furniture
compleat. Near to this is Gainsborough's Woodman, exhibited in the same
scenic manner.

Having enjoyed an intellectual treat, which perhaps in originality as
an exhibition of needlework is no where else to be met with, our
perambulators retired, and reached home without the occurrence of any
other remarkable incident.~20~~

CHAPTER II

"Look round thee, young Astolpho; here's the place
Which men (for being poor) are sent to starve in;--
Rude remedy, I trow, for sore disease.
Within these walls, stifled by damp and stench,
Doth Hope's fair torch expire, and at the snuff,
Ere yet 'tis quite extinct, rude, wild, and wayward,
The desperate revelries of fell Despair,
Kindling their hell-born cressets, light to deeds
That the poor Captive would have died ere practised,
Till bondage sunk his soul to his condition."

The Prison.--Act I. Scene III.

TRAVERSING the streets, without having in view any particular object,
other than the observance of Real Life in London, such as might occur
from fortuitous incident; our two perambulators skirted the Metropolis
one fine morning, till finding themselves in the vicinity of
Tothill-fields Bridewell, a place of confinement to which the
Magistrates of Westminster provisionally commit those who are supposed
to be guilty of crimes. Ingress was without much difficulty obtained,
and the two friends proceeded to a survey of human nature in its most
degraded state, where, amidst the consciousness of infamy and the
miseries of privation, apathy seemed the predominant feeling with these
outcasts of society, and reflection on the past, or anticipation of the
future, was absorbed in the vacuum of insensibility. Reckless of his
destiny, here the manacled felon wore, with his gyves, the semblance
of the most perfect indifference; and the seriousness of useful
retrospection was lost in the levity of frivolous amusement. Apart from
the other prisoners was seated a recluse, whose appearance excited the
attention of the two visitants; a deep cloud of dejection overshadowed
his features, and he seemed studiously to keep aloof from the
obstreperous revelry of his fellow-captives. There was in his manner
a something inducing a feeling of commiseration which could not be
extended to his callous ~21~~ companions in adversity. His decayed
habiliment indicated, from its formation and texture, that he had seen
better days, and his voluntary seclusion confirmed the idea that he
had not been accustomed to his present humiliating intercourse. His
intenseness of thought precluded the knowledge of approximation on his
privacy, until our two friends stood before him; he immediately rose,
made his obeisance, and was about to retire, when Mr. Dashall, with
his characteristic benevolence, begged the favour of a few moments
conversation.

"I am gratified," he observed, "in perceiving one exception to the
general torpitude of feeling which seems to pervade this place; and
I trust that your case of distress is not of a nature to preclude
the influence of hope in sustaining your mind against the pressure of
despondency."

"The cause of my confinement," answered the prisoner, "is originally
that of debt, although perverted into crime by an unprincipled,
relentless creditor. Destined to the misery of losing a beloved wife
and child, and subsequently assailed by the minor calamity of pecuniary
embarrassment, I inevitably contracted a few weeks arrears of rent to
the rigid occupant of the house wherein I held my humble apartment,
when, returned one night to my cheerless domicil, my irascible landlord,
in the plenitude of ignorance and malevolence, gave me in charge of a
sapient guardian of the night, who, without any enquiry into the nature
of my offence, conducted me to the watch-house, where I was presently
confronted with my creditor, who accused me of the heinous crime of
getting into his debt. The constable very properly refused to take
cognizance of a charge so ridiculous; but unluckily observing, that had
I been brought there on complaint of an assault, he would in that case
have felt warranted in my detention, my persecutor seized on the idea
with avidity, and made a declaration to that effect, although evidently
no such thought had in the first instance occurred to him, well knowing
the accusation to be grossly unfounded. This happened on a Saturday
night, and I remained in duresse and without sustenance until the
following Monday, when I was held before a Magistrate; the alleged
assault was positively sworn to, and, maugre my statement of the
suspicious, inconsistent conduct of my prosecutor, I was immured in the
lock-up house for the remainder of the day, on the affidavit of ~22~~
perjury, and in the evening placed under the friendly care of the
Governor of Tothill-fields Bridewell, to abide the issue at the next
Westminster sessions."