Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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~421~~ Bob having signified his consent to this proposal, they made the
best of their way to the Monument, where having deposited the customary
entrance money with the door-keeper, they were allowed to ascend by the
winding staircase to the top, when a prospect was presented to the eye
of Tallyho, of which he could not have formed any previous conception.
The view of the river as far as the eye could reach, each way, the
moving of the boats, the bustle and activity of the streets, and the
continued hum which arose to their ears, formed altogether a subject
of delightful contemplation; while the appearance of being as it were
suspended in the air, rendered it awful and terrific. Bob had almost
grown giddy in his ascension, and for some time took care to keep a
fast hold of the iron railings at top, in order to secure himself from
falling; till Dashall drew from his pocket a telescope, and directed
his attention to Greenwich Hospital, Shooter's Hill, and the public
buildings at a distance, where they were scarcely discernible by the
naked eye. Bob was delighted with the view of Greenwich Hospital, and
the account which his Cousin gave him of the establishment; and upon
descending they took a complete walk round this celebrated pillar,
marking its decorations and reading the inscription.

"It is," said Tom, "a fluted column of the Doric order; the total height
is 202 feet, the diameter at the base 15 feet, and the height of the
column 120 feet; the cone at the top, with its urn, are 42 feet; the
height of the massy pedestal is 40 feet; there are 345 steps inside;
but," continued he, ''it is really a great pity that this beautiful
Monument should be in such a confined situation, for in a proper
place it would form one of the most striking objects of the kind that
architecture is capable of producing.

"The inscription, it is true," continued Dashall, "had better be erased,
it contains a libel, or more properly a lie, which almost contradicts
itself, for no rational being can entertain the notion that the
Catholics, or indeed any religious sect, could wilfully have perpetrated
so horrible a deed as this pillar was intended to impute to them; nor
can so much credit be given to human foresight as for it to be concluded
that a fire, which broke out in a single house, could upon this, rather
than upon other occasions, have extended its ravages in so extraordinary
a manner.--

~422~~ While we arc on the spot we will take a peep at a curious piece
of antiquity; not that I am so great a lover of such curiosities, but it
would appear almost unpardonable for you to have been in London without
seeing London Stone."

"I have heard of it," said Tallyho, "and if we are near, let us have a
view."

"Come on then," said Dashall; "This same London Stone is at present
fixed close under the south wall of St. Swithin's Church, Cannon
Street. It has by some been supposed of British origin, a kind of solemn
boundary, or some other object probably of a religious nature, which
through every change and convulsion of the State has been preserved with
reverential care. But this is the very place," said he.

Bob stared about him with surprise, to discover this curious and
apparently valuable relic, without finding it, till at length his
Cousin directed his attention to the spot, which at present is under a
pitching-block, or resting-place for persons carrying heavy loads, and
almost burst into laughter, for he had raised his Cousin's expectation
by the previous description.

"How!" said Tallyho, "and is this your curiosity?"

"Even so," replied Tom, "that is the celebrated London Stone; it
formerly stood nearer the middle of the street, was placed deep in the
ground, and strongly fixed with iron bars. According to account, the
first mention of it was in the reign of Ethelstan, king of the West
Saxons, and it has been usually viewed by our antiquaries as a military
stone, from which the Romans began the computation of their miles, a
conjecture which certainly appears very reasonable, not only from the
discovery of the Roman road after the year 1666, running directly to
this stone from Watling Street, but from the exact coincidence which its
distance bears with the neighbouring station, mentioned in Antonine's
Itinerary, the principal of whose Journeys either begin or end with
London."

The sound of a horn interrupted this conversation.

"Apropos," said Tom, "we can take the Post Office in our way, a place of
considerable importance; so allons."

They now pursued their way to Lombard Street.

"This collection of buildings," said Dashall, as they entered,
"important as its concerns are to the nation, claims no praise as a
building. It stands behind Lombard ~423~~ Street, from which, on the
south side of the street, there is a passage leading to it, under an
arched gateway.

"A plan has, however, been adopted for erecting a building worthy of
this great establishment, on the site now called St. Martin's-le-grand,
and to improve the access to it by pulling down the east ends of Newgate
Street and Paternoster-Row. It is now proceeding rapidly.

"The Post-office system is, however, one of the most perfect regulations
of finance and convenience existing under any government. It has
gradually been brought to its present perfection, being at first in the
hands of individuals, and replete with abuses. In its present form it
not only supplies the government with a great revenue, but accomplishes
that by means highly beneficial to the persons contributing.

"The Post-office is the most important spot on the surface of the globe.
It receives information from all countries; it distributes instructions
to the antipodes; it connects together more numerous and distant
interests of men than any similar establishment. It is in the highest
degree hitherto realized, the seat of terrestrial perception and
volition--the brain of the whole earth; and hitherto it has been in a
narrow valley, misshapen even to deformity, and scarcely accessible to
the few mail coaches which collect there for their nightly freights.

"The present Post-office was erected in 1660; but great additions have
been made to it from time to time, though the whole is disjointed and
inconvenient.

"The mode of carrying letters by the General Post was greatly improved
a few years since, by a most admirable plan, invented by Mr. Palmer.
Previously to its adoption, letters were conveyed by carts, without
protection from robbery, and subject to delays. At present they are
carried, according to Mr. Palmer's plan, by coaches, distinguished
by the name of mail-coaches, provided with a well-armed guard, and
forwarded at the rate of eight miles an hour, including stoppages.
Government contracts with coach-keepers merely for carrying the mail,
the coach-owner making a profitable business besides, of carrying
passengers and parcels. It is not easy to imagine a combination of
different interests to one purpose, more complete than this. The
wretched situation, however, of the horses, on account of the length
of the stages which they are frequently driven, is a disgrace to the
character ~424~~ of the British nation, and requires the interference of
the legislature. No stage should exceed twelve miles in length.

"The rapidity of this mode of conveyance is unequalled in any country,
and the present rate of charge for each passenger is little more than
sixpence per mile.

"Houses having boxes, for receiving letters before five o'clock, are
open in every part of the Metropolis; and after that hour bell-men
collect the, letters during another hour, receiving a fee of one 'penny
for each letter. But, at the General Post-office, in Lombard Street,
letters are received till seven o'clock: after which time, till half an
hour after seven, a fee of sixpence must be paid; and from half after
seven till a quarter before eight, the postage must also be paid, as
well as the fee of sixpence."

"Well," said Tallyho, "for a place of such public utility and constant
resort, I must confess I expected to see a building of the most
magnificent kind; but I am also puzzled to conceive how such extensive
business can be carried on with so much regularity as it is."

"Your observation," replied his Cousin, "exactly coincides with that
of many others; but you will some day or other be as much surprised
on other subjects, for there are places in London where mercantile and
legal business is conducted in situations of obscurity, of which you can
have no conception; but as a national establishment, though its internal
regulations are good, its external appearance is no recommendation to
it. But come, let us proceed towards home, I have a call or two to make
on the road, for as we depart quickly for the open fields, and are to
bid adieu to London smoke as well as London Stone, we have but little
time to spare, so let us post away."

Bob, alive to this subject, did not require a second hint, but taking
the arm of Dashall, they proceeded along Cheapside, made a call at
Mortimer's, the Gun-smith's on Ludgate hill, provided themselves with
all necessary shooting apparatus; and Tom, ever mindful of the variety
which he conceived would be needful to render rusticity agreeable on
their way, purchased a pair of boxing gloves, a backgammon board, and
other amusing articles, to provide, as he said, against a rainy day.

On arrival at home, they were presented with a letter from Sparkle,
announcing his arrival at his new mansion, and expressing a hope that he
should have the pleasure of ~425~~ meeting his friends within a day or
two; expatiating with great apparent delight upon the happiness of his
own situation, and promising lots of amusement, in detailing to them the
events of his peregrinations. This operated as an additional spur to the
speed of their departure, and it was agreed that they should start the
next morning.

"I don't know," said Bob, "whether I should really like a continued
Life in London; I have seen many of its comforts and many of its
inconveniences." "Then," replied Tom, "you may certainly, by the
exercise of your reason, and the decision of your judgment, upon mature
reflection, strike the balance; and if you do not give it in favour of
the former, I shall entertain doubts upon your sagacity."

"Well," continued Bob, "I shall now have a fine opportunity for drawing
out a distinct account, and when done, I will submit the result to your
inspection."

Every thing being prepared, they were on the road to Belville Hall at an
early hour the next morning.

As the occurrences of a Country excursion, or the delineation of a
Country Life, form no part of the intended plan of this Work, we shall
not enter into any detailed account; but leaving our Heroes in the
pursuit of fresh game, under new circumstances, and in somewhat
new situations, bear in our minds their intended return, to engage,
contemplate, and enjoy a future review of the complicated, yet ever new
and ever varying scenes of a Real Life in London, with a determination
to meet them on arrival, and not lose sight of them in their future
rambles.

END OF VOL. I.

REAL LIFE IN LONDON

OR, THE

FURTHER RAMBLES AND ADVENTURES OF BOB TALLYHO, ESQ.,

AND HIS COUSIN THE HON. TOM DASHALL, ETC., THROUGH

THE METROPOLIS; EXHIBITING A LIVING PICTURE

OF FASHIONABLE CHARACTERS, MANNERS, AND

AMUSEMENTS IN HIGH AND LOW LIFE

BY an AMATEUR

EMBELLISHED AND ILLUSTRATED WITH A SERIES OF

COLOURED PRINTS, DESIGNED AND ENGRAVED

BY MESSRS. HEATH, AIKEN, DIGHTON,

BROOKE, ROWLANDSON, ETC.

VOLUME II

A NEW EDITION

METHUEN & CO. LONDON

Chapter I.

A return to the metropolis, 2. Instance of exorbitant
charges, 3. Field-marshal Count Bertrand, 4. Lines on the
late Napoleon, 5. A mysterious vehicle, 6. The devil in Long
Acre, 7. The child in the hay, 8. A family triumvirate, 9.
Egyptian monuments, 10. Relations of Gog and Magog
discovered, 11. The Theban ram, 12. Egyptian antiquities,
13. Egyptian mummies, &c. 14. Curiosities of the museum, 15.
Statues of Bedford and Fox, 16. The knowing one deceived,
17. Covent Garden Market, 18. Miss Linwood's exhibition, 19.

Chapter II.

Tothill-fields Bridewell, 20. Perversion of justice, 21. A
laudable resolution, 22. Success and disappointment, 23. A
story out of the face, 24. A critical situation, 25. A hair-
breadth escape, 26. Kidnappers, or crimps, 27. Summary
justice averted, 28. Swindling manoeuvres, 29. Estates, &c.
in nubibus, 30. Fetters and apathy, 31. Urchin thief
picking-pockets, 32. Juvenile depravity, 33.

Chapter III.

Life in St. George's Fields, 34. Chums--Day rules, &c. 35.
Hiring a horse--A bolter, 36. Characters of Abbot's priory,
37. Introductory sketch, 38. The flying pieman, 39.
Commercial activity, 40. A cutting joke, 41. Magdalen
Hospital, 42. Curious anecdote, 43. Surrey Theatre, &c, 44.
Admixture of characters, &c. 45.

Chapter IV.

Entry to Abbott's park, 46. A world within walls, 47.
Finding a friend at home, 48. Exterior of the chapel, 49. A
finish to education, 50. The walking automaton, 51. The
parliamentary don, 52. The tape merchant, &c. 53. A morning
in the Bench, 54. Prison metamorphoses, 55. Friendly
congratulations, 56. Preparations for a turn to, 57. The
college cries, 58. Another real character, 59. A mutual
take-in, 60. A college dinner, 61. Free from college rules,
62. A heavy-wet party, 63. Keeping the game alive, 64. An
agreeable surprise, 65. Harmony disturbed, 66.

Chapter V.

London munificence, 67. Vauxhall Bridge, 68. Millbank
Penitentiary, 69. Metamorphoses of time, 70. Cobourg
Theatre, 71. Retrospection, 72. Intellectual progress, 73.
Wonders of the moderns, 74. Bridge-Street association, 75.
Infidel pertinacity, 76. City coffee house, 77. St. Paul's
Cathedral, 78. Clockwork and great bell, 79. Serious
cogitations disturbed, 80. A return homeward, 81.

Chapter VI.

Westminster Abbey, 82. Monuments--Poets' corner, 83. Henry
Seventh's chapel, 84. Interesting prospect, 85. Fees exacted
for admission, 86. Westminster Hall--Whitehall, 87. Sir
Robert Wilson, 88. Temptations to depredation, 89. Sympathy
excited, 90. A sad story strangely told, 91. Fleet Street--
Doctor Johnson, 92. Fleet Market, 93. The market in an
uproar, 94. The rabbit pole-girl, 95. Princess of
Cumberland, 96. Doubts of royal legitimacy, 97. Mud-larks,
picking up a living, 98. The boil'd beef house, 99. A
spunger, 100. Gaol of Newgate, 101. Jonathan Wild's
residence, 102. Entering the Holy Land, 103. The Holy Land,
104. Salt herrings and dumplings, 105. Deluge of beer, 106.
Mrs. C*r*y, 107. Andrew Whiston, 108.

Chapter VII.

A dinner party, 109. Complimentary song, 110. Irish posting,
111. Extraordinary robbery, 112. Follies of fashion--ennui,
113. A set-to in a gambling house, 114. A nunnery--the Lady
abbess, 115. Life in a cellar, 116. Advantageous offer
rejected, 117. "Bilge water not whiskey," 118. Aqua fortis
and aqua fifties, 119. A quarrel--appeal to justice, 120.
Finale of a long story, 121.

Chapter VIII.

An unexpected visitor, 122. Private accommodations, 123. The
hero of Waterloo, 124. "The lungs of the metropolis," 125.
How to cut up a human carcass. 126. Resurrectionists, 127. A
perambulation of discovery, 128. Irish recognition, 129. A
discovery--Mother Cummings, 130. Wife hunting, 131.
Elopement, 132. Female instability, 133. Manouvres Return to
town, 134. Making the most of a good thing, 135. Ingenious
female shop-lifter, 136.

Chapter IX.

Thieves of habit and necessity, 137. A felicitous meeting,
138. Shopping--Ludicrous anecdote, 139. A tribute of
respect, 140. Royal waxworks, Fleet Street, 141. Sir Felix
as Macbeth, 142. Irish love, 143. Apathy in the midst of
danger, 144. "No wassel in the lob," 145. The bear at
Kensington Palace, 146.

Chapter X.

A change of pursuits, 147. Almack's Rooms, 148. A fancy-
dress ball, 149. Selection of partners, 150. Family
portraits, 151. A rout and routed, 152. Pleasures of
matrimony, 153. The discomfited Virtuoso, 154.

Chapter XI.

Frolics of Greenwich fair, 155. Dr. Eady--Wall chalking,
156. Packwood and puffing, 157. Greenwich Hospital, 158.
Greenwich pensioners, 159. Veterans at ease, 160. The old
commodore, 161. "Fought his battles o'er again," 162. The
Chapel--Hall, &e. 163.

Chapter XII.

An early hour in Piccadilly, 164. Cleopatra's needle, 165. A
modest waterman, 166. Interesting scenery, 167. Philosophy
in humble life, 168. Southwark Bridge, 169. London Bridge-
The Shades, 170. Itinerant musicians, 171. "Do not leave
your goods," 172. Riches of Lombard Street, 173. Mansion
House, 174. Curious case in justice room, 175. A reasonable
proposition, 176.

Chapter XIII.

An hour in the Sessions House, 177. A piteous tale of
distress, 178. Low life, 179. Serious business, 180. A
capture, 181. Johnny-raws and green-horns, 182. Decker the
prophet, 183. A devotee in danger, 184.

Chapter XIV.

A morning at home, 185. High life, 186. Converting felony
into debt, 187. Scene in a madhouse, 188. Apathy of
undertakers, 189. A provident undertaker, 190. A bribe
rejected, 191. Antiquated virginity, 192. Arrangements for
Easter, 193. A Sunday morning lounge, 194. Setting out for
Epping hunt, 195. Involuntary flight, 196. Motley groups on
the road, 197. Disasters of cockney sportsmen, 198. A
beautiful crature of sixty, 199. Tothill-fields fair, 200.
Whimsical introduction, 201. Ball at the Mansion-House, 202.

Chapter XV.

Guildhall, 203. Palace Yard--Relieving Guard, 204. The
regions below, 205. An old friend in the dark, 206. Seeing
clear again, 207. A rattler, 208.

Chapter XVI.

Civic festivity, 209. Guildhall, 210. Council chamber--
Paintings, 211. City public characters, 212. A modern
Polyphemus, 213. A classic poet, 214. Rhyming contagious,
215. Smithfield prad-sellers, 216. Jockeyship in the east,
217. A peep at the Theatre, 218. The Finish, Covent Garden,
219. Wags of the Finish, 220. Smoking and joking, 222.

Chapter XVII.

A morning visit, 223. The fine arts, 224. Public
exhibitions, 225. Living artists, 226. Horse Guards--
Admiralty, 227. Westminster Bridge, 228. Promenade Rooms,
229. Improvements in the Park, 230. Ludicrous anecdote, 231.
A crazy fabric, 232. Regal splendour, 233. Marlborough
House, 234. Limmer's Hotel, 235. Laconic prescription, 236.
How to take it all, 237. How to get a suit of clothes, 238.
Ingenious swindling, 239. Talent perverted, 240.

Chapter XVIII.

The Harp, Drury Lane, 241. Wards of city of Lushington, 242.
The social compact, 243. A popular election, 244. Close of
the poll, 245. Oratorical effusions, 246. Harmony and
conviviality, 247. Sprees of the Market, 248. A lecture on
heads, 249. A stroll down Drury Lane, 250. A picture of real
characters, 251. "The burning shame," 253. Ludicrous
procession, 254.

Chapter XIX.

An old friend returned, 255. A good object in view, 256. An
alarming situation, 257. Choice of professions, 258. Pursuit
of fortune, 259. Advantages of law, 260. A curious law case,
261. Further arrangements, 262.

Chapter XX.

St. George's day, 263. Royalty on the wing, 264. Progress to
the levee, 265. An unfortunate apothegm, 266. How to adjust
a quarrel, 267. Wisdom in wigs, 268. A classical
acquaintance, 269. Royal modesty, 270. Ludicrous anecdote,
271. A squeeze in the drawing-room, 272. Pollution of the
sanctorum, 273. Procession of mail coaches, &c. 274. A
parody, 275. Two negatives make a positive, 276. Remarkable
anecdote, 277. Marrow-bones and cleavers, 278. The king and
the laureat, 279. A remonstrance, 280. Hint at retrenchment,
281.

Chapter XXI.

Diversity of opinions, 282. A fresh start, 283. A critique
on names, 284. The Cafe Royale, Regent Street, 285. A
singular character, 286. Quite inexplicable, 287.
Development, 288. Aquatic excursion, 289. A narrow escape,
290. Tower of London, 291. The lost pilot found, 295. River
gaiety, 296. Rowing match, 297.

Chapter XXII.

The tame hare, 298. Ingenuity of man, 299. London sights and
shows, 300. Automaton chess player, 301. South sea bubble,
302. New City of London tavern, 303. Moorfields, 304.
Epitaph collector, 305. Monumental gleanings, 307.
Voluminous collectors, 309. A horned cock, 310.
Extraordinary performance, 311. Female salamander, 312.
Regent's Canal, 313. Anecdote of a gormandizer, 314. Eating
a general officer alive, 315. A field orator, 316.

Chapter XXIII.

Munster simplicity, 317. A visit to an astrologer, 318. A
peep into futurity, 319. Treading-mill, 320. An unexpected
occurrence, 321. The sage taken in, 322. Statue of ill luck,
323. A concatenation of exquisites, 324. How to walk the
streets, 325. How to make a thoroughfare, 326. Dog stealers,
327. Canine knavery, 328. A vexatious affair, 329. How to
recruit your finances, 330. A domestic civic dinner, 331.
The very respectable man, 332.

Chapter XXIV.

Vauxhall Gardens, 334, Various amusements, 335. Sober
advice, 336. Fashionable education, 337. University
education, 338. Useful law proceedings, 339. How to punish a
creditor, 340. Exalted characters, 341. Profligacy of a
peer, 342. Mr. Spankalong, 343. Other characters of ton,
344. Sprig of fashion, 345. An everlasting prater, 346. And
incorrigible fribble, 347. Kensington Gardens and Park, 348.
Statue of Achilles, 349.

Chapter XXV.

A medley of characters, 353. Fashionables, 354. More
fashionables, 355. More life in St. Giles's, 356.
Reconnoitring--a discovery, 357. Tragedy prevented, 358.
Fat, fair, and forty, 359. Philosophic coxcombs, 360 Blanks
in society, 361.

Chapter XXVI.

A ride, 362. Exceptions to trade rivalship, 363. Effects of
superior education, 364. Affectation in names, 365.
Portraits of governesses, 366. Road to matrimony, 367.
Villainy of private madhouses, 369. Appearances may deceive,
370.

Chapter XXVII.

Pleasing intelligence, 371. Moralizing a little, 373. Cries
of London, 374. The Blacking Poet, 375. Literary squabble
376. Curious Merchandise, 377.

Chapter XXVIII.

A new object of pursuit, 378. Royal visit to Scotland, 379.
Embarkation, 381. Royal recollections, 38'2.

Chapter XXIX.

Port of London, 383. Descriptive entertainment, 384. A rea
swell party, 385. An Irish dancing master, 386. Female
disaster, 387. Blackwall--East India Docks, 388. Sir Robert
Wigram, 389. Domestic happiness, 390. West India Docks, 391.
Loudon Docks, 393. News from home, 394.

Chapter XXX.

Travelling preparations, 395. Whimsical associations, 396.
Antiquity and origin of signs, 397. Signs of altered times,
398. Ludicrous corruptions, 399. A curious metamorphosis,
400. A sudden breeze, 401. A smell of powder, 402.

Chapter XXXI.

An unexpected visitor, 403. Sketches of fashionable life,
404. A Corinthian rout, 405. A Corinthian dinner party, 406.
A new picture of real life, 409. More wise men of the East,
411.

Chapter XXXII.

Anticipation of danger, 415. Smoke without fire, 416.
Fonthill Abbey, 417. Instability of fortune, 419. Wealth
without ostentation, 420. Eccentricity of character, 421.
Extremes meeting, 422.

Chapter XXXIII.

Sketches of new scenes, 423. A critical essay on taste, 424.
The pleasures of the table, 425. A whimsical exhibition,
426. Canine sobriety, 427.

Chapter XXXIV.

Anticipation, 428. Obligation, 429. Change of subjects, 430
Magasin de Mode, 431. Bell, Warwick Lane, 432. Bull and
Mouth Street, 433. Bull and Mouth Inn, 434. Jehu chaff, 435.
Adieu to London, 436.

LIST OF THE PLATES

The Ladder of Life Frontispiece.

Illustrated Title Page.

British Museum 10

King's-Bench Prison 62

King Charles's Crib 130

Blue Ruin

Almack's Rooms 196

Easter Hunt

Coster-mongers

A Stroll down Drury-Lane 250

Presentation at the Levee 263

Ascot Races

A Real Swell Party 386

Bull and Mouth Inn 434