Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"Among characters of this description, may frequently be recognised the
remnant of fashion, and, perhaps, the impression of nobility not wholly
destroyed by adversity and seclusion--the air and manners of a man
who has ~30~~outlived his century, with an assumption of _sans souci_
pourtrayed in his agreeable smile, murmur'd through a low whistle of
'Begone dull care,' or 'No more by sorrow chased, my heart,' or played
off by the flourishing of a whip, or the rapping of a boot that has
a spur attached to it, which perhaps has not crossed a horse for
many months; and occasionally by a judicious glance at another man's
carriage, horses, or appointments, which indicates taste, and the former
possession of such valuable things. These form a part of the votaries
of Real Life in London. This however," said he (observing his cousin in
mute attention) "is but a gloomy part of the scene; vet, perhaps, not
altogether uninteresting or unprofitable."

"I can assure you," replied Tallyho, "I am delighted with the accurate
knowledge you appear to have of society in general, while I regret the
situation of the actors in scenes so glowingly described, and am only
astonished at the appearance of such persons."

"You must not be astonished at appearances," rejoined Dashall, "for
appearance is every thing in London; and I must particularly warn you
not to found your judgment upon it. There is an old adage, which says
'To _be_ poor, and _seem_ poor, is the Devil all over.' Why, if you meet
one of these _Sunday-men_, he will accost you with urbanity and affected
cheerfulness, endeavouring to inspire you with an idea that he is one of
the happiest of mortals; while, perhaps, the worm of sorrow is secretly
gnawing his heart, and preying upon his constitution. Honourable
sentiment, struggling with untoward circumstances, is destroying
his vitals; not having the courage to pollute his character by a
jail-delivery, or to condescend to _white-washing_, or some low bankrupt
trick, to extricate himself from difficulty, in order to stand upright
again.

"A _once-a-week man, or Sunday promenader_, frequently takes his way
through bye streets and short cuts, through courts and alleys, as it
were between retirement and a desire to see what is going on in the
scenes of his former splendour, to take a sly peep at that world from
which he seems to be excluded."

"And for all such men," replied Bob, "expelled from high and from good
society, (even though I were compelled to allow by their own imprudence
and folly) I ~31~~should always like to have a spare hundred, to send
them in an anonymous cover."

"You are right," rejoined Tom, catching him ardently by the hand,
"the sentiment does honour to your head and heart; for to such men, in
general, is attached a heart-broken wife, withering by their side in the
shade, as the leaves and the blossom cling together at all seasons, in
sickness or in health, in affluence or in poverty, until the storm beats
too roughly on them, and prematurely destroys the weakest. But I must
warn you not to let your liberality get the better of your discretion,
for there are active and artful spirits abroad, and even these
necessities and miseries are made a handle for deception, to entrap the
unwary; and you yet have much to learn--Puff lived two years on sickness
and misfortune, by advertisements in the newspapers."

"How?" enquired Bob.

"You shall have it in his own words," said Dashall.

"I suppose never man went through such a series of
"calamities in the same space of time! Sir, I was five
"times made a bankrupt and reduced from a state of
"affluence, by a train of unavoidable misfortunes! then
"Sir, though a very industrious tradesman, I was twice
"burnt out, and lost my little all both times! I lived
"upon those fires a month. I soon after was confined by a
"most excruciating disorder, and lost the use of my limbs!
"That told very well; for I had the case strongly attested,
"and went about col--called on you, a close prisoner
"in the Marshalsea, for a debt benevolently contracted
"to serve a friend. I was afterwards twice tapped
"for a dropsy, which declined into a very profitable
"consumption! I was then reduced to--0--no--then,
"I became a widow with six helpless children--after
"having had eleven husbands pressed, and being left
"every time eight months gone with child, and without
"money to get me into an hospital!"

"Astonishing!" cried Bob, "and are such things possible?"

"A month's residence in the metropolis," said Dashall, "will satisfy
your enquiries. One ingenious villain, a short time back, had artifice
enough to defraud the public, at different periods of his life, of
upwards of one hundred thousand pounds, and actually carried on
his fraudulent schemes to the last moment of his existence, for he
~32~~defrauded Jack Ketch of his fee by hanging himself in his cell
after condemnation."{1}

Just as a tilbury was passing, "Observe," said Tom, "the driver of that
tilbury is the celebrated Lord Cripplegate with his usual equipage--his
blue cloak with a scarlet lining, hanging loosely over the vehicle,
gives an air of importance to his appearance, and he is always attended
by that boy, who has been denominated his cupid; he is a nobleman
by birth, a gentleman by courtesy, and a gamester by profession. He
exhausted a large estate upon _odd and even, sevens the main_, &c. till
having lost sight of the _main chance_, he found it necessary to curtail
his establishment and enliven his prospects, by exchanging a first floor
for a second, without an opportunity of ascertaining whether or not
these alterations were best suited to his high notions or exalted taste;
from which in a short time he was induced, either by inclination or
necessity, to take a small lodging in an obscure street, and to sport
a gig and one horse, instead of a curricle and pair; though in former
times he used to drive four in hand, and was acknowledged to be an
excellent whip. He still, however, possessed money enough to collect
together a large quantity of halfpence, which in his hours of relaxation
he managed to turn to good account, by the following stratagem:--He
distributed his halfpence on the floor of his little parlour in straight
lines, and ascertained how many it would require to cover it; having
thus prepared himself, he invited some wealthy spendthrifts (with whom
he still had the power of associating) to sup with him, and he welcomed
them to his habitation with much cordiality. The glass circulated
freely, and each recounted his gaming or amorous adventures till a late
hour, when the effects of the bottle becoming visible, he proposed, as a
momentary suggestion, to name how many halfpence laid side by side would
carpet the floor; and offered to lay a large

1 Charles Price, the well-known impostor, whose extensive
forgeries on the Bank of England rendered him notorious, may
serve as a practical illustration of Puff, for he, at
several periods of his life, carried on his system of fraud
by advertisements, and by personating the character of a
clergyman collecting subscriptions under various pretences.
His whole life is marked with determined and systematic
depravity. He hanged himself in Tothil-fields Bridewell,
where he was confined, at the age of fifty-five.

~33~~wager, that he would guess the nearest. Done! done! was echoed
round the room. Every one made a deposit of 100L. and every one made a
guess equally certain of success; and his lordship declaring he had
a large lot of halfpence by him, though, perhaps, not enough, the
experiment was to be tried immediately--'twas an excellent hit! The room
was cleared, to it they went, the halfpence were arranged rank and file
in military order, when it appeared that his lordship had certainly
guessed (as well he might) nearest to the number: the consequence was,
an immediate alteration of his lordship's residence and appearance: he
got one step in the world by it, he gave up his second-hand gig for
one warranted new; and a change in his vehicle may pretty generally be
considered as the barometer of his pocket.

"Do you mark, he is learing at that pretty girl on the other side of the
way? he is fond of the wenches, and has been a true votary of fashion.
Perhaps there is not a more perfect model of Real Life in London than
might be furnished from the memoirs of his lordship! He is rather a good
looking man, as he sits, and prides himself on being a striking likeness
of his present majesty; but, unfortunately, has a lameness which
impedes him in the ardour of his pursuit of game, although it must be
acknowledged he has been a game one in his time. The boy you see with
him is reported to be his own son, who is now employed by him as an
assistant in all his amorous adventures."

"His own son!" exclaimed Bob.

"Aye, and (if so) a merrily begotten one, I'll be bound for it,"
continued Tom; "such things will happen, and his lordship has kept a
very pretty assortment of servant girls. But the introduction of this
youth to public notice was somewhat curious. It is said, that having a
large party of _bon vivants_ to dine with him, on sitting down to table,
and taking the cover off one of the dishes, a plump and smiling infant
appeared. A sweet little _Cupid_ by

----! (exclaimed his lordship) I'll be his father!--I'll

take care of him!--call Rose, and tell her to look out for a nurse for
him. Thus taking upon himself the character of parent and protector as
well as parson. Young _Cupid_ was christened in libations of claret, and
furnished a fund of amusement for the evening. How young Cupid ~34~~came
there, I believe has not yet been satisfactorily ascertained:

Who seeks a friend, should come disposed
T' exhibit, in full bloom disclosed,
The graces and the beauties
That form the character he seeks;
For 'tis an union that bespeaks
Reciprocated duties.

And thus it has proved with _Cupid_, himself the offspring of an illicit
amour, is now constantly engaged in promoting others.

"His lordship had three brothers, _Billingsgate! Hellgate!_ and
_Newgate!_ whose names are adorned with a similarity of perfections in
the Temple of Fame; but they are consigned to the tomb of the Capulets,
and we will not rake up the ashes of the dead."{1}

At this moment a loud knocking was heard at the door, and Mr. Sparkle
was ushered into the drawing-room, which he entered, as it were, with a
hop, step, and jump, and had Tom Dashall by the hand almost before they
could turn round to see who it was.

"My dear fellow!" exclaimed Sparkle, almost out of breath, "where have
you been to? Time has been standing still since your departure!--there
has been a complete void in nature--how do you do?--I beg pardon,
(turning to Bob) you will excuse my rapture at meeting my old friend,
whom I have lost so long, that I have almost lost myself--egad, I have
run myself out of breath--cursed unlucky I was not in the Park this
morning to see you first, but I have just heard all about you from Lady
Jane, and lost no time in paying my respects--what are you going to do
with yourself?"

1 There was a delicate propriety in this conduct of the Hon.
Tom Dashall which cannot but be admired; for although they
were alone, and speaking to each other in perfect
confidence, it was always his desire to avoid as much as
possible making bad worse; he had a heart to feel, as well
as a head to think; and would rather lend a hand to raise a
fellow-creature from the mud than walk deliberately over
him; besides, he foresaw other opportunities would arise in
which, from circumstances, he would almost be compelled to
draw his Cousin's attention again to the persons in
question, and he was always unwilling to ex-haust a subject
of an interesting nature without sonic leading occurrence to
warrant it.

~35~~At this moment dinner was announced. "Come," said Tom, "let us
refresh a bit, and after dinner I will tell you all about it. We are
travellers, you know, and feel a little fatigued. _Allons, allons_." And
so saying, he led the way to the dinner-room.

"Nothing could be more _apropos_," said Sparkle, "for although I have
two engagements beforehand, and have promised a visit to you know who in
the evening, they appear like icicles that must melt before the sun of
your re-appearance: so I am your's." And to it they went. Tom always
kept a liberal table, and gave his friends a hearty welcome. But here
it will be necessary, while they are regaling themselves, to make
our readers a little acquainted with Charles Sparkle, Esq.; for which
purpose we must request his patience till the next chapter.

CHAPTER V

"Place me, thou great Supreme, in that blest state,
Unknown to those the silly world call Great,
Where all my wants may be with ease supply'd,
Yet nought superfluous to pamper pride."

~36~~IT will be seen in the previous chapter, that the formal ceremony
of a fashionable introduction, such as--"Mr. Sparkle, my friend Mr.
Robert Tallyho, of Belville Hall; Mr. Tallyho, Mr. Charles Sparkle," was
altogether omitted; indeed, the abrupt entrance of the latter rendered
it utterly impossible, for although Sparkle was really a well-bred man,
he had heard from Lady Jane of Tom's arrival with his young friend from
the country. _Etiquette_ between themselves, was at all times completely
unnecessary, an air of gaiety and freedom, as the friend of Dashall, was
introduction enough to Bob, and consequently this point of good breeding
was wholly unnoticed by all the party; but we are not yet sufficiently
acquainted with our readers to expect a similar mode of proceeding will
be overlooked; we shall therefore lose no time in giving our promised
account of Mr. Sparkle, and beg to introduce him accordingly.

Mr. Reader, Mr. Sparkle; Mr. Sparkle, Mr. Reader.

Hold, Sir, what are you about? You have bewildered yourself with
etiquette, and seem to know as little about _Life in London_ as the
novice you have already introduced--By the way, that introduction was
one of the most extraordinary I ever met with; this may be equally so
for ought I know; and I really begin to suspect you are an extraordinary
fellow yourself. How can you introduce me, of whom you know nothing?

Egad, I believe you have me there--"a palpable hit, my Lord," (or my
Lady, for I certainly cannot say which;) I was getting myself into an
awkward dilemma, but I hate suspicion--

"Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind."

~37~~Methinks I see a frown, but I meant no offence, and if you throw
down my book in a rage, you will perhaps not only remain ignorant of
Mr. Sparkle, but, what is more important, of those other
numerous fashionable characters in high and low life--of those
manners--incidents--amusements--follies--vices, &c. which, combined
together, form the true picture of Real Life in the Metropolis.

"He who hath trod th' intricate maze,
Exploring every devious way,
Can best direct th' enquiring gaze,
And all the varied scenes display."

Mr. Author, you are a strange rambler.

Admitted, Sir, or Ma'am, I am a rambler, who, with your permission,
would willingly not be impeded in my progress, and under such
expectations I shall proceed.

Charles Sparkle was the son and only child of a Right Hon. Member of
Parliament, now no more, whose mother dying soon after his birth, was
left destitute of that maternal kindness and solicitude which frequently
has so much influence in forming the character of the future man.

His father, a man of eccentric turn of mind, being appointed soon
afterwards to a diplomatic situation abroad, left the care of his son's
education to an elderly friend of his, who held a situation of some
importance under the then existing government, with an injunction to
conceal from the boy the knowledge of his real parent, and to bring him
up as his own child.

This important trust was executed with tenderness and fidelity; the boy
grew in strength, and ripened in intelligence, and being accustomed
to consider his protector as his parent, the father, upon returning
to England, determined not to undeceive him, until he should arrive at
years of discretion; and with this view Mr. Orford was instructed at a
proper age to send him to Oxford.

Charles, however had contracted before this period, habits and
acquaintances in London, that were completely in opposition to the
dictates and inclinations of his supposed father. He became passionately
fond of literary amusements, music, and drawing, which served to occupy
his morning hours: but his evenings were devoted to the company of
vitiated associates, who did ~38~~not fail to exercise their influence
over his youthful passions, and he frequently engaged himself in unlucky
and improvident adventures, which involved him in pecuniary difficulties
far beyond his stipulated income. These circumstances were no sooner
made known to the supposed parent, than they excited his displeasure,
and being carried to an unpardonable extent, he was, at the age of
eighteen, literally banished the house of his protector, and compelled
to take an obscure lodging in the vicinity of London; the rent of which
was paid for him, and a scanty allowance of one guinea sent to him
regularly every Saturday night. Thus secluded from his old associates,
it will not be wondered at that he contrived to form new ones, and
having purchased an old harpsicord, turned the musical instruction
he had received to occasional account; he also wrote some political
pamphlets which were well received. But this solitary and dependent life
was wholly unsuited to the gaiety in which he had hitherto moved. It
had, however, the effect of drawing forth talent, which perhaps would
never, but for this circumstance, have been discovered; for

"Many a gem, of purest ray serene,
The dark unfathom'd caves of ocean bear;
Full many a flower is born to blush unseen,
And waste its sweetness on the desert air."

His writings, &c. under the name of Oribrd, were recognised by the real
father, as the productions of a promising son: at his instigation, and
upon a promise of reform, he was again restored to his former home, and
shortly after entered as a gentleman commoner of St. Mary's, Oxford; but
not till he had, by some means or other, made the discovery that
Orford was not his real name. Congenial spirits are naturally fond of
associating, and it was here that he first became acquainted with the
Hon. Tom Dashall: they were constant companions and mutual assistants to
each other, in all their exercises as well as all their vagaries; so
as to cement a friendship and interest in each other's fate, up to the
moment of which we are now speaking.

Orford, however, was at that time more impetuous and less discreet
in the pursuit of his pleasures than his honourable friend, and after
obtaining the distinction of Bachelor of Arts, was in consequence of
his imprudence and ~39~~irregularities, after frequently hair-breadth
escapes, expelled the college. This circumstance, however, appeared of
little consequence to him. He hired a gig at Oxford, promising to return
in a few days, and came up to London, but had not effrontery enough to
venture into the presence of his reputed father. On arrival in town, he
put up at an inn in the Borough, where he resided till all the money
he had was exhausted, and till, as he emphatically observes, he had
actually eaten his horse and chaise.

In the mean time, the people at Oxford found he was expelled; and as
he had not returned according to appointment, he was pursued, and
eventually found: they had no doubt of obtaining their demand from
his friends, and he was arrested at the suit of the lender; which was
immediately followed by a retainer from the inn-keeper where he had
resided in town. Application was made to Mr. Orford for his liberation,
without effect; in consequence of which he became a resident in the
rules of the King's Bench, as his friends conceived by this means his
habits would be corrected and his future conduct be amended, his real
father still keeping in the back ground.

While in this confinement, he again resorted to the produce of his pen
and his talent for musical composition, and his friend Tom, at the first
vacation, did not fail to visit him. During this time, in the shape
of donation, from Mr. Orford he received occasional supplies more than
equal to his necessities, though not to his wishes. While here, he
fished out some further clue to the real parent, who visited him in
disguise during his confinement as a friend of Mr. Orford: still,
however, he had no chance of liberation, till, being one day called on
by Mr. Orford, he was informed he was at perfect liberty to leave his
present abode, and was directed to go with him immediately; a coach was
called, and he heard the direction given to drive to Bedford Square,
where they arrived just time enough to learn that the Right Hon. S. S.
had breathed his last, after a lingering illness.

Upon alighting from the coach, and receiving this information, they were
ushered into the drawing-room, and presently joined by a clergyman who
had been the chaplain of the deceased, who acquainted our adventurer of
the death of his parent--that by will he was entitled ~40~~to 10,000L.
per annum, and a handsome estate in Wiltshire. This sudden reverse
of fortune to Sparkle--the change from confinement to liberty, from
indigence to affluence--awakened sensations more easily to be conceived
than described. He wept, (perhaps the first tears of sincerity in his
life; ) his heart was subdued by an overwhelming flood of affection for
that unknown being, whom he now found had been his constant guardian
angel, alternately taking Orford and the reverend Divine by the hand,
and hiding his head in the bosom of his reputed father. At length they
led him to the room in which were the remains of his lamented parent.

There are perhaps few circumstances better calculated to impress awe
on the youthful mind than the contemplation of those features in death
which have been respected and revered while living. Such respect had
ever been entertained by Charles Sparkle for the supposed friend of
Mr. Orford, from whom he had several times received the most kind and
affectionate advice; and his sensations upon discovering that friend
to be no other than his own father, may be more easily conceived than
described--he was at once exalted and humbled, delighted and afflicted.
He threw himself in an agony of feeling by the bed-side, fell on his
knees, in which he was joined by the clergyman and Orford, where he
remained some time.

After the first paroxysms of grief had subsided, young Sparkle, who had
already felt the strongest impression that could possibly be made on
a naturally good heart, gave orders for the funeral of his deceased
father, and then proceeded to make other arrangements suitable to
the character he was hereafter to sustain through life, went down
to Wiltshire, and took possession of his estate, where for a time he
secluded himself, and devoted his attention to the perusal of the
best authors in the English, French, and Italian language, under the
superintendence of the reverend Divine, who had been a resident for many
years with his father.

But a life in the country could not long have superior charms for a
young man who had already seen much to admire, as well as much to avoid,
in the metropolis. The combination however of theoretical information
he had derived from books, as well as the practical observations he had
made during his residence in London, fitted him at once for the
gayest and most distinguished circles of ~41~~metropolitan society.
He therefore arranged with Mr. Orford, who had formerly acted as his
parent, to continue with him in the capacity of steward, and for the
last two years of his life had been almost a constant resident at
"Long's Hotel", in Bond Street, not choosing to have the charge of an
establishment in town; and the early friendship and attachment which
had been cultivated at Oxford being again renewed, appeared to grow with
their growth, and strengthen with their strength.

Sparkle had still a large portion of that vivacity for which he was so
remarkable in his younger days. His motives and intentions were at all
times good, and if he indulged himself in the pursuits of frolic and
fun, it was never at the expence of creating an unpleasant feeling to an
honest or honourable mind. His fortune was ample. He had a hand to give,
and a heart to forgive; no "malice or hatred were there to be found:"
but of these qualifications, and the exercise of them, sufficient traits
will be given in the ensuing pages. No man was better _up_ to the rigs
of the town; no one better _down_ to the manoeuvres of the _flats_, and
_sharps_. He had mingled with life in all companies; he was at once an
elegant and interesting companion; his views were extensive upon all
subjects; his conversation lively, and his manners polished.