Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"With all my heart," rejoined Bob, "for I am almost as tired already as
if I had spent a whole day in a fox-chase, and have run as many risks
of my neck; so that a cool half hour's observation will be very
acceptable."

They had scarcely entered the Room, as a Priscilla Tomboy passed them at
full speed with a skipping-rope, for whose accommodation every one made
way; and who, having skipped round the room to shew her fine formed
ancle and flexibility of limbs, left it for a moment, and returned with
a large doll, which she appeared as pleased with as a child of eight
or ten years of age. A Jemmy Jumps assured Tom, that his garments
were altogether unsuitable to the nation in which he was residing, and
recommended that he should not exist another day without that now very
fashionable appendage of a Gentleman's dress called stays--An excellent
Caleb Quotem, by his smartness of repartee and unceasing volubility of
speech in recounting his labours of a day--"a summer's day," as the poet
says, afforded much amusement by his powers of out-talking the fribble
of a Staymaker, who, finding himself confused by his eternal clack, fled
in search of another customer. A Don Quixote was conferring the honour
of knighthood on a clumsy representative of the God of Love, and
invoking his aid in return, to accomplish the object of finding his
lost Dulcinea. An outlandish fancy-dressed character was making an
assignation with a Lady, who, having taken the veil and renounced the
sex, kindly consented to forego ~410~~ her vows and meet him again;
while a Devil behind her was hooking the cock'd-hat of the gay deceiver
to the veil of the Nun, which created considerable laughter, for as
they attempted to separate, they were both completely unmasked, and
discovered, to the amazement of Tallyho, two well-known faces, little
expected there by him--no other than Merrywell as the Dandy Officer, and
his friend Mr. Safebind as the Nun. The exposure rather confused
them, while Tom and Bob joined the merry Devil in a loud burst of
laughter--they however bustled through the room and were quickly lost.

[Illustration: page410 Masquerade]

A French _Frisseur_, without any knowledge of the language of the nation
from which he appeared to come, could only answer a question _a la
Francoise_ from the accomplished Tom Dashall, by a volume of scented
powder from his puff, which being observed by a Chimney-sweeper,
was returned by dust of another colour from his soot-bag, till the
intermixture of white and black left it difficult to decide which was
the Barber and which the Sweep. They were now suddenly attracted by a
grotesque dance between a Clown of the Grimaldi school and a fancy Old
Woman in a garment of patch-work made in an ancient fashion. A red nose,
long rows of beads for ear-rings, and a pair of spectacles surmounted by
a high cauled-cap, decorated with ribbons of various hues, rendered
her the most conspicuous character in the room: and notwithstanding
her high-heeled shoes, she proved herself an excellent partner for the
Clown.

By this time, Bob, who was anxious to carry his plan into execution,
began to be fidgetty, and proposed a walk into the open air again. As
they left the room, his ears were attracted by the following song by a
Watchman, which he could not help stopping to catch, and which afforded
his Cousin an excellent opportunity of giving him the slip:

"Fly, ye prigs,{1} for now's the hour,
(Tho' boosey kids{2} have lost their power,)
When watchful Charleys,{3} like the Sun,
Their nightly course of duty run
Beneath the pale-faced moon;

1 Prigs--Pickpockets.

2 Boosey kids--Drunken men.

3 Charleys--A cant term for watchmen.

But take this warning while ye fly,
That if you nibble, click,{1} or clye,{2}
My sight's so dim, I cannot see,
Unless while you the blunt{3} tip me:
Then stay, then stay;
For I shall make this music speak,{4}
And bring you up before the Beak,{5}
Unless the chink's in tune.

Now, ye rambling sons of night,
Or peep-o'-day boys{6} on your flight,
Well prim'd with Jack or Child Tom's juice,
While you the silver key{7} produce,
Your safety then is clear.
But snuffy,{8} and not up to snuff,{9}
You'll And your case is queer enough;
Shell out the nonsense;{10} half a quid{11}
Will speak more truth than all your whid:{12}

Then go, then go;
For, if you linger on your way,
You'll for my music dearly pay,
I'll quod you, never fear."

Turning round with laughter from this character, who had attracted many
hearers, he look'd in vain for Dashall, and was not displeased to find
he had fled. He therefore hastily withdrew from the scene of merriment,
and according to the instructions previously received, and for which
he had prepared, quickly changed his dress, and appeared again in the
character of a Judge, under the impression hinted by his counsellor,
that the gravity of his wig and gown, with a steady countenance,

1 Click--A contraction of the word clicker, for a watch.

2 Clye--A pocket-handkerchief.

3 Blunt--Money.

4 Music--Alluding to the rattle.

5 Beak--A magistrate.

6 Peep-o'-day boys--Staunch good ones--reeling home after
the frolics of the night.

7 Silver key--Money which is thus termed, as it is supposed
to open all places, and all hearts.

"If you are sick and like to die,
And for the Doctor send,
Or have the cholic in your eye,
Still money is your friend--is it not?"

8 Snuffy--Drunk.

9 Up to Snuff---Elevation of ideas.

10 Shell out the nonsense--To pay money.

11 Half a quid--Half a guinea.

12 Whid--Words or talk.

~412~~ would be a quiet and peaceable part to get through, and shield
him from the torment of those whom Bob suspected willing to play tricks
with him should he be discovered. Here however he again found himself
at fait, for he had scarcely entered the Gardens, before a host of
depredators were brought before him for trial. The Charleys brought in
succession, drunken Fiddlers, Tinkers and Barbers; and appeals were
made to his patience in so many voices, and under so many varying
circumstances, that Justice was nearly running mad, and poor Tallyho
could find no chance of making a reply. An uproar from the approaching
crowd, announced some more than ordinary culprit; and, in a moment, who
should appear before him but a Don Giovanni, and the hooking Devil, Here
was a fine case for decision; the Devil claimed the Don as his property,
and addressed the Representative of Justice as follows:--

"Most learned and puissant Judge!

"Protect my rights as you would the rights of man; I claim my property,
and will have my claim allowed."

"Hold," replied Bob, "if that is the case, you have no occasion to
appeal to me--begone, black wretch, and in thy native shades yell forth
thy discordant screams."

"Most righteous Judge!--a second Daniel!" cried a bearded Shylock, with
his knife and scales, "he shan't escape me--I'll have my bond--so bare
his bosom 'next the heart'--let me come near him."

"This is playing the Devil, indeed," said the Don.

"By the Powers!" cried a 'Looney Mackwolteb,' "he's jump'd out of the
fire into the frying-pan; and, when the Smouchee has done wid him, he
may be grill'd in his own fat."

At this moment, a Leporello, who caught the last words of the Irishman,
burst into the presence of the Judge, singing--

"Zounds, Sir, they'll grill you now, lean or fat, I know what games you
were always at, And told you before what harm you would hatch: Now the
old Gentleman's found you out, He'll clap us all in the round-about; Let
us be off, ere they call for the Watch."

The word Watch was re-echoed in a thousand voices; the vociferations of
the callers, the noise of the rattles, ~413~~ and the laughter of
those immediately surrounding the judgment-seat, offered so good an
opportunity for escape, that Giovanni, determining to have another
chance, burst from the grasp of the arch enemy of mankind, to pursue
his wonted vagaries, to the no small gratification of Bob, who, without
actually acquitting the prisoner, rejoiced at his own escape.

He had however scarcely time to congratulate himself, before he was
annoyed by a Postman, in the usual costume, whom he had already seen
delivering letters to the company; the contents of which appeared to
afford considerable amusement; and who, presenting a letter addressed
to The Lord Chief Justice Bunglecause, in a moment disappeared. Breaking
open the envelope, he read with astonishment the following lines:--

"Tho' justice prevails
Under big wigs and tails,
You've not much of law in your nob;
So this warning pray take,
Your big wig forsake,
And try a more modern scratch, Bob."

"Go along Bob--Lord Chief Justice Bob in a scratch," cried a Waterman
at his elbow, (who had heard him reading) in a voice loud enough to be
heard at some distance.

"There he'll be at home to a hair," squeaked a little finicking
personification of a modern Peruquier, sidling up to him, picking his
teeth with a tortoise-shell comb.

Bob, in bursting hastily away, under the reiterated cries of "Go along
Bob--Lord Chief Justice Bob," with the idea of overtaking the Postman,
found himself in a moment lock'd in the close embraces of a Meg
Merrilies; while a little bandy-legg'd representative of the late Sir
Jeffery Dunstan, bawling out, Ould wigs, Ould wigs, made a snatch at the
grave appendage of Justice, and completely dismantled the head of its
august representative. This delayed him in his progress, but it was
merely to witness the wig flying in the air, with as much mirth to the
surrounding company as when the greasy night-cap of the Rev. George
Harvest was toss'd about the pit at the theatre, each one giving it a
swing who could get within reach of it. Thus mutilated in his ~414~~
apparel, and probably conceiving, according to the song,

"The wig's the thing, the wig, the wig,
The wisdom's in the wig,"

Bob Tallyho took flight into a dressing-room, declaring justice was
abroad and propriety not at home. He was however rather at a loss, as
in his last character he had not been able to meet with the Turk, but
determined to resume the search in a 'Domino. Having therefore equipped
himself as a spectator, he again sallied forth with intention to explore
the room, and for a time remained comparatively unmolested; but as he
could no where find his Cousin, he strolled indiscriminately among the
characters, viewing whatever appeared amusing or interesting in his
way. The fineness of the weather greatly animated the scene, and
gave increased brilliancy and effect to the illuminations, which
were disposed in a numerous variety of splendid devices, representing
national trophies, stars, wreaths, and crowns of laurel. It was the
first moment he had found an opportunity of viewing the place in which
he had been acting.

The amusements of the evening were judiciously varied, and protracted
by a constant succession of entertainments of various descriptions. Mr.
Chalons exhibited many of his most surprising deceptions in the rotunda;
where also young Gyngell displayed some capital performances on the
slack-wire. In the long room the celebrated fantoccini exhibition, with
groupes of quadrille dancers, enlivened the scene. In one walk of the
garden, Mr. Gyngell's theatre of arts was erected, where were exhibited
balancing, the _Ombres Chinoises_, gymnastic exercises, and other
feats, and Mr. Gyngell performed several airs on the musical glasses; in
another, Punchinello delighted the beholders with his antics; in a
third a very expert Juggler played a variety of clever tricks and
sleight-of-hand deceptions, and a couple of itinerant Italians exhibited
their musical and mechanical show-boxes; in another part of the gardens
the celebrated Diavolo Antonio went through his truly astonishing
evolutions on the _corde volante_. The Duke of Gloucester's fine
military band occupied the grand orchestra; an excellent quadrille band
played throughout the night in the long room, while a Scottish reel
band in the rotunda, and ~415~~ a Pandean band in the gardens, played
alternately reels, waltzes, and country dances.

This interval of peace was truly acceptable to Bob, and he did not fail
to make the most of it, roving like the bee from one delight to another,
sipping pleasure as he went, almost regretting he had not taken the last
dress first, though he was every now and then importuned by Mendicants
and Servant girls, very desirous to obtain places of all work. The
introduction of a Dancing Bear, who appeared to possess more Christian
qualities than his Leader, attracted his attention; but, in pressing to
the scene of action, he received a floorer from a Bruiser in gloves, who
mill'd indiscriminately all who came in his way, till the Bear took the
shine out of him by a fraternal embrace; and his Leader very politely
asked those around which they thought the greater bear of the two. Upon
rising, Bob found himself in the hands of two itinerant Quack Doctors,
each holding an arm, and each feeling for his pulse. One declared the
case was mortal, a dislocation of the neck had taken place, and there
was no chance of preserving life except by amputation of the head.
The other shook his head, look'd grave, pull'd out his lancet, and
prescribed phlebotomy and warm water.

Bob, who had received no injury, except a little contusion occasioned by
the blow, seized the ignorant practitioners by the throat, and knocking
their heads together, exclaimed with a stentorian voice,

"Throw physic to the clogs, I'll none on't." "Go along Bob," was
repeated again, as loud and as long as before; he however burst from
those around him in pursuit of fresh game; nor was he disappointed, for
he presently found a dapper young Clergyman in gown and surplice,
and who, with book in hand, was fervently engaged in exhortations and
endeavours to turn from the evil of their ways a drunken Sailor and
a hardened thief, (the Orson of the Iron Chest,) when the group were
surrounded by a detachment of the Imps and Devils of Giovanni in London,
a truly horrid and diabolical crew, who, by their hideous yells, frantic
capers, violent gestures, and the flaring of their torches, scared the
affrighted Parson from his task, made his intended penitents their own,
and became an almost intolerable ~416~~ nuisance to the rest of the
company for the remainder of the evening.

While he was thus engaged, the supper-boxes were thrown open, and the
company appeared to be all on the move towards the more substantial
entertainments of the evening. He was next suddenly detained by a Jew
Pedlar, who was anxious to shew him his wares.

"Get out, Smouchee," said Bob.

"Ant is dat all vat you can say to a poor honesht Jew, what vants to
live by his 'trade, for vye you trow my religionsh in my teeth? I'm so
honesht vat I never cheats nobody--vill you puy a gould------l Vat you
take for your gown? I shall puy or sell, it's all the same to me.

"Now whatsoever country by chance I travel through, 'Tis all the same to
I, so the monies but comes in; Some people call me tief, just because I
am a Jew; So to make them tell the truth, vy I tinks there is no sin. So
I shows them all mine coots vid a sober, winning grace, And I sometimes
picks dere pockets whilst they're smiling in my face."

Bob laugh'd, but declared he'd have nothing to do with him.

"Then," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "you may go along Bob."

"What! is it possible? I have been looking for you these two hours."

"I can't eat pork," said Dashall, resuming his character.

"Come along," said Bob, happy to find his relation; and catching him
by the arm, they proceeded to refreshment, and partook of an excellent
supper of cold viands plentifully supplied, and accompanied with a
profusion of ices and jellies, served up in a style highly creditable to
the managers.

Here they were joined by Mortimer, who had been as frolicsome as any imp
in the Gardens, in the character of the Devil, but who had lost sight
of the Dandy Officer and the Nun, whom he had so ingeniously hooked
together. The wine was good, and after enjoying their repast, Tom
and Mortimer enshrined themselves in dominos for the remainder of
the evening. The usual masquerade frolics and dancing were afterwards
continued, and about five in the morning they left this region of fun,
mirth and good humour.~417~~

CHAPTER XXVII

That Life is a picture of strange things and ways,
A grand exhibition, each hour displays;
And for London there's no place can with it compare,
'Tis a jumble of every thing curious and rare.
Cheap-side Bustlers--Fleet Street Hustlers,
Jockeys, Doctors--Agents, Proctors,
Bow Street Slangups--Bond Street Bangups,
Hide and Seekers--Opera Squeakers,
Lawyers, Tailors--Bailiffs, Jailors,
Shopmen, Butlers--Alderman Gutters,
Patriot Talkers--Sunday Walkers,
Dancers, Actors--Jews, Contractors,
Placemen, Croakers--Boxers, Brokers,
Swindlers, Coroners--Spies, and Foreigners,
And all, all to keep up the bubble of strife,
And prove ways and means--is the picture of Life.

THE bustle and merriment of the Masquerade were long remembered in the
mind of Bob Tallyho, and furnished frequent conversations between him
and his Cousin; and the laughable occurrences of the evening, in which
they had been engaged, were re-enjoyed in recollection, notwithstanding
the preparations they were making for an excursion of another kind
in the country, which though not exactly to the taste of Dashall, was
inflexibly persevered in by Tallyho.

Tom tried every effort in his power to prolong the appointed period
of departure in A'ain. The heart and mind of his Cousin appeared to
be occupied with anticipated delights, which he described in the most
glowing colours of imagination. The healthful fields, the enlivening fox
chase, and the sportive exercises of a country life, were detailed with
ecstacy; and though last, not least, the additional zest for the more
attractive scenes (in Tom's idea) that would present themselves for
inspection upon a return to the Metropolis. At length it was finally
arranged that their country excursion should not exceed 418~~ one month
in duration, and that they would leave London time enough to reach
Belville Hall on or before the first day of September.

Dashall, after consenting to this arrangement, finding there was not
much time to spare, was anxious to improve it in the pursuit of such
lively and interesting amusements as chance and accident might throw
in their way. "Come," said he, a few mornings after the masquerade, "it
must not be said that you have been so long in London without viewing as
many of its important curiosities as the time would admit; though I am
sure we shall not have an opportunity of glancing at all those I could
point out, and I am pretty sure that persons from the country frequently
see more in a few days residence in the Metropolis, than those who have
inhabited it for their whole lives. We will therefore take a stroll out,
without any determined line of pursuit, and survey what chance may bring
in our way; for the places deserving of particular inspection are so
numerous, and lay in so many directions, that it is scarcely possible
for us to turn round without finding some objects and subjects yet in
store.

Thus saying, and taking the arm of his Cousin, they walked along
Piccadilly in a direction for the City; for as it was a clear morning,
Tom, although he had not mentioned the road he meant to take, still had
an object in view.

"It is certainly much to be deplored," said he, as they were just
entering Leicester Square by Sydney's Alley, "that the abominable
nuisance of barrows being driven on the pavement cannot be removed; it
is a great shame that lusty and able fellows should be wheeling foul
linen, hogwash, and other filthy articles along the street, to the
annoyance and inconvenience of pedestrians."

"I am of your opinion," replied his Cousin; "but during the short time
I have been here, I have discovered many other equally objectionable
annoyances. There is, for instance, the carrying of milk pails, which,
unless great care is taken, are so likely to break people's shins; and
in dirty weather the trundling of boys' hoops, to the discomfiture of
many a well-dressed Lady."

At this moment a butcher was passing with a tray heavily loaded, and Bob
narrowly escaped a blow from the projecting corner, which immediately
induced him to add that to the number of what he termed street ~419~~
grievances, and almost to overturn both the carrier and his load.

"A lucky escape," said Dashall, "for you might have lost an eye by
coming in contact with that tray, and I wonder a stop is not put to the
probability of such fatal accidents. It is related that a certain
City Alderman, whose constitution, it may be presumed, is rather of a
combustible nature, by the alarms he spread during his mayoralty, of
the intention to burn the City of London, and destroy all its peaceable
inhabitants, thrashed a butcher who ran against him in the public
street. This it must be admitted was a summary mode of punishment,
although it was not likely to remove the nuisance; but there are still
many that are not enumerated in your list. Both by day and night in
the most frequented streets of the Metropolis and its environs, the
unoffending passengers of either sex are frequently obstructed on, or
absolutely pushed off the pavement by a trio of arm-in-arm puppies;
nay they will sometimes sweep the whole of the space from the wall
to the curb stone, by walking four abreast, a practice brutally
infringing the laws of civil society in pedestrian excursions through a
crowded Metropolis.

"I have however with pleasure, upon some occasions, seen these vile
trespassers meet with a just resentment in the unexpected pugilistic
exertions of the insulted party; and have almost rejoiced to see them
packed into a coach and sent home with bruises, black eyes, and bloody
noses, serving, it is to be hoped, as wholesome lessons for their future
conduct. In some cases duels have arisen from this violation of decorum
in the King's highway, and by this means, scoundrels have been admitted
to the undeserved honour of being met on a level by gentlemen.

"These," continued he, "are the polite encroachers on the pave.. There
are, however, many others, but of a less censurable, though certainly
of a finable description; such as journeymen bakers wheeling barrows
conveying the staff of life--publicans' boys collecting pewter
pots--lady drivers of similar vehicles, containing oysters, inferior or
damaged fruit, delicate prog for pug dogs, cats, &c.

"After all, the most prominent offenders, or at least obstructors of
the public way, in my opinion, are those sturdy John Bulls, brewers'
servants, by means of ropes ~420~~ and pulleys affixed to their drays,
lowering down beer into, or drawing up empty casks from the cellars of
public-houses. Now although this may be unavoidable, ask one of these
bluff bipeds to let you pass, the consequence frequently will be,
instead of rough civility, an insolent reply accompanied with vulgar
oaths; in short, a torrent of abuse, if not a shove into the kennel;
perhaps a grimy rope thrown against your white stockings. Private,
emolument and convenience certainly ought to give way to public
accommodation."

"Confound that dustman's bell," said Bob, as they passed down
Wych-street; "it is as bad as any thing we nave mentioned yet; it
absolutely deafens one."

"Oh, if you call noises nuisances, we may go on with a list from this
time to this day month, and scarcely comprehend them. The cries of
London are many of them very laughable, and many very lamentable, and by
way of contrast to the deafening dustman, take care of the bespatterings
from the mud cart. The garlick-eating rogues, the drivers of these
inconvenient conveniences, grinning horribly their ghastly smiles, enjoy
a most malicious pleasure in the opportunities which chance affords
them, of lending a little additional decoration from the contents of
their carts, by way of embellishment to a cleanly dressed passenger.
Therefore keep, if possible, at such a respectful distance as to avoid
the effects of this low envy, and steer clear of the mudlarks."

By this time they had passed through the line of leading thoroughfares,
and had St. Paul's in their view, when Tom took occasion to remark, "He
was sorry the scaffolding was not removed, or," continued he, "we would
soon have mounted above these petty considerations, and looked down upon
the world. However, we can take a tolerable survey of the metropolis
from the Monument, and as it is not much farther, we may as well extend
our walk to that celebrated pillar, said to be one of the finest in the
world, and erected by Sir Christopher Wren in memory of the great
fire which in 1666 broke out at a house on the spot, and destroyed the
metropolis from Tower Hill to Temple Bar. From this pillar you will have
a fine panoramic view of London, Westminster, and Southwark; and as we
are about to leave its noise, its bustle, and its inconveniences in a
day or two, we may as well take a general survey."