Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81

~375~~ Tallyho laugh'd, and Dashall signified his assent to the
whimsical observations of Merrywell, by a shrug of the shoulders and an
approving smile.

"Apropos," said Merrywell--"what is the news of our friend Sparkle?"

"O, (replied Tom) he is for trying a chance in the Lottery of Life, and
has perhaps by this time gained the prize of Matrimony:{1} but what part
of the globe he inhabits it is impossible for me to say--however, he is
with Miss Mortimer probably on the road to Gretna."

"Success to his enterprise," continued Merrywell; "and if they are
destined to travel through life together, may they have thumping luck
and pretty children. Marriage to some is a bitter cup of continued
misery--may the reverse be his lot."

"Amen," responded Dashall.

"By the way," said Merrywell, "I hope you will favour me with your
company for the afternoon, and I doubt not we shall start some game
within these walls well worthy of pursuit; and as I intend to remove to
more commodious apartments within a day or two, I shall certainly expect
to have a visit from you during my abode in the county of Surrey."

"Going to College?" inquired Tom.

"Yes; I am off upon a sporting excursion for a month or two, and I
have an idea of making it yield both pleasure and profit. An occasional
residence in Abbot's Park is one of the necessary measures for the
completion of a Real Life in London education. It is a fashionable
retreat absolutely necessary, and therefore I have voluntarily
determined upon it. What rare advice a young man may pick up in the
precincts of the Fleet and

1 It has often been said figuratively, that marriage is a lottery; but
we do not recollect to have met with a practical illustration of the
truth of the simile before the following, which is a free translation of
an Advertisement in the Louisiana Gazette:--

"A young man of good figure and disposition, unable though
"desirous to procure a Wife without the preliminary trouble of
"amassing a fortune, proposes the following expedient to obtain the
"object of his wishes:--He offers himself as the prize of a Lottery
"to all Widows and Virgins under 32: the number of tickets to be
"600 at 50 dollars each; but one number to be drawn from the
"wheel, the fortunate proprietor of which is to be entitled to
"himself and the 30,000 dollars."--New York, America.

~376~~ the King's Bench! He may soon learn the art of sharp-shooting and
skirmishing."

"And pray," says Tallyho, "what do you term skirmishing?"

"I will tell you," was the reply. "When you have got as deeply in debt
every where as you can, you may still remain on the town as a Sunday-man
for a brace of years, and with good management perhaps longer. Next
you may toddle off to Scotland for another twelvemonth, and live in the
sanctuary of Holyrood House, after seeing the North, where writs will
not arrive in time to touch you. When tired of this, and in debt even in
the sanctuary, and when you have worn out all your friends by borrowing
of them to support you in style there, you can brush off on a Sunday to
the Isle of Man, where you are sure to meet a parcel of blades who will
be glad of your company if you are but a pleasant fellow. Here you may
live awhile upon them, and get in debt (if you can, for the Manx-men
have very little faith,) in the Island. From this, you must lastly
effect your escape in an open boat, and make your appearance in London
as a new face. Here you will find some flats of your acquaintance very
glad to see you, even if you are indebted to them, from the pleasures
of recollection accruing from past scenes of jollity and merriment.
You must be sure to amuse them with a good tale of a law-suit, or the
declining health of a rich old Uncle, from either of which you are
certain of deriving a second fortune. Now manage to get arrested, and
you will find some, who believe your story, ready to bail you. You can
then put off these actions for two years more, and afterwards make a
virtue of surrendering yourself in order to relieve your friends, who of
course will begin to be alarmed, and feel so grateful for this supposed
mark of propriety, that they will support you for a while in prison,
until you get white-washed. In all this experience, and with such a long
list of acquaintances, it will be hard if some will not give you a lift
at getting over your difficulties. Then you start again as a nominal
Land-surveyor, Money-scrivener, Horse-dealer, or as a Sleeping-partner
in some mercantile concern--such, for instance, as coals, wine, &c. Your
popularity and extensive acquaintance will get your Partner a number
of customers, and then if you don't succeed, you have only to become a
Bankrupt, secure your certificate, and start free again in some other
line. Then ~377~~ there are other good chances, for a man may marry once
or twice. Old or sickly women are best suited for the purpose, and their
fortunes will help you for a year or two at least, if only a thousand or
two pounds. Lastly, make up a purse" laugh at the flats, and finish on
the Continent."

"Very animated description indeed," cried Dashall, "and salutary advice,
truly."

"Too good to be lost," continued Merrywell.

"And yet rather too frequently acted on, it is to be feared."

"Probably so--"

"But mark me, this is fancy's sketch," and may perhaps appear a little
too highly coloured; but if you remain with me, we will clip deeper into
the reality of the subject by a little information from the official
personage himself, who holds dominion over these premises; and we may
perhaps also find some agreeable and intelligent company in his house."

This proposition being agreed to, and directions given accordingly by
Merrywell to prepare dinner, our party gave loose to opinions of life,
observations on men and mariners, exactly as they presented themselves
to the imagination of each speaker, and Merrywell evidently proved
himself a close observer of character.

"Places like this," said he, "are generally inhabited by the profligate
of fashion, the ingenious artist, or the plodding mechanic. The first
is one who cares not who suffers, so he obtains a discharge from his
incumberances: having figured away for some time in the labyrinths of
folly and extravagance, till finding the needful run taper, he yields
to John Doe and Richard Roe as a matter of course, passes through his
degrees in the study of the laws by retiring to the Fleet or King's
Bench, and returns to the world with a clean face, and an increased
stock of information to continue his career. The second are men who
have heads to contrive and hands to execute improvements in scientific
pursuits, probably exhausting their time, their health, and their
property, in the completion of their projects, but who are impeded in
their progress, and compelled to finish their intentions in durance
vile, by the rapacity of their creditors. And the last are persons
subjected to all the casualties of trade and the arts of the former, and
unable to meet the peremptory demands of ~378~~ those they are indebted
to; but they seldom inhabit these places long, unless they can pay
well for their accommodations. Money is therefore as useful in a
lock-up-house or a prison as in any other situation of life.

"Money, with the generality of people, is every thing; it is the
universal Talisman; there is magic in its very name. It ameliorates all
the miserable circumstances of life, and the sound of it may almost be
termed life itself. It is the balm, the comfort, and the restorative.
It must indeed be truly mortifying to the opulent, to observe that the
attachment of their dependents, and even the apparent esteem of their
friends, arises from the respect paid to riches. The vulgar herd bow
with reverence and respect before the wealthy; but it is in fact
the money, and not the individual, which they worship. Doubtless, a
philosophic Tallow-chandler would hasten from the contemplation of the
starry heavens to vend a farthing rushlight; and it therefore cannot
be wondered at that the Sheriffs-officer, who serves you with a writ
because you have not money enough to discharge the just demands against
you, should determine at least to get as much as he can out of you, and,
when he finds your resources exhausted, that he should remove you to the
common receptacle of debtors; which however cannot be done to your own
satisfaction without some money; for if you wish a particular place of
residence, or the most trifling accommodation, there are fees to pay,
even on entering a prison."

"In that case then," said Tallyho, "a man is actually obliged to pay for
going to a prison."

"Precisely so, unless he is willing to mingle with the very lowest order
of society. But come, we will walk into the Coffee-room, and take a view
of the inmates."

Upon entering this, which was a small dark room, they heard a great
number of voices, and in one corner found several of the prisoners
surrounding a Bagatelle-board, and playing for porter, ale, &c; in
another corner was a young man in close conversation with an
Attorney; and a little further distant, was a hard-featured man taking
instructions from the Turnkey how to act. Here was a poor Player, who
declared he would take the benefit of the Act, and afterwards take a
benefit at the Theatre to reestablish himself. There a Poet racking
his imagination, and roving amidst the flowers of fancy, giving a few
touches by way of finish to an Ode to Liberty, with the ~379~~ produce
of which he indulged himself in a hope of obtaining the subject of his
Muse. The conversation was of a mingled nature. The vociferations of the
Bagatelle-players--the whispers of the Attorney and his Client--and the
declarations of the prisoner to the Turnkey, "That he would be d------d
if he did not sarve 'em out, and floor the whole boiling of them,"
were now and then interrupted by the notes of a violin playing the most
lively airs in an animated and tasteful style. The Performer however was
not visible, but appeared to be so near, that Merrywell, who was a great
lover of music, beckoned his friends to follow him. They now entered a
small yard at the back of the house, the usual promenade of those who
resided in it, and found the Musician seated on one of the benches,
which were continued nearly round the yard, and which of itself formed
a panorama of rural scenery. Here was the bubbling cascade and the lofty
fountain--there the shady grove of majestic poplars, and the meandering
stream glittering in the resplendent lustre of a rising sun. The waving
foliage however and the bubbling fountain were not to be seen or heard,
(as these beauties were only to be contemplated in the labours of the
painter;) but to make up for the absence of these with the harmony
of the birds and the ripplings of the stream, the Musician was
endeavouring, like an Arcadian shepherd with his pipe, to make the
woods resound with the notes of his fiddle, surrounded by some of his
fellow-prisoners, who did not fail to applaud his skill and reward his
kindness, by supplying him with rosin, as they termed it, which was by
handing him the heavy-wet as often as they found his elbow at rest. In
one place was to be seen a Butcher, who upon his capture was visited by
his wife with a child in her arms, upon whom the melody seemed to have
no effect. She was an interesting and delicate-looking woman, whose
agitation of spirits upon so melancholy an occasion were evidenced by
streaming tears from a pair of lovely dark eyes; and the Butcher, as
evidently forgetful of his usual calling, was sympathising with, and
endeavouring to soothe her into composure, and fondling the child. In
another, a person who had the appearance of an Half-pay Officer, with
Hessian boots, blue pantaloons, and a black silk handkerchief, sat with
his arms folded almost without taking notice of what was passing around
him, though a rough Sailor with a pipe in his mouth occasionally ~380~~
enlivened the scene by accompanying the notes of the Musician with a
characteristic dance, which he termed a Horn-spike.

It was a fine scene of Real Life, and after taking a few turns in the
gardens of the Lock-up or Sponging-house, they returned to Merrywell's
apartments, which they had scarcely entered, when the tandem drew up to
the door.

"More company," said Merry well.

"And perhaps the more the merrier," replied Tom.

"That is as it may prove," was the reply; "for the company of this
house ace as various at times as can be met with in any other situation.
However, this appears to wear the form of one of our fashionable,
high-life Gentlemen; but appearances are often deceitful, we shall
perhaps hear more of him presently--he may turn out to be one of the
prodigals who calculate the duration of life at about ten years, that
is, to have a short life and a merry one."

"That seems to me to be rather a short career, too," exclaimed Bob.

"Nay, nay, that is a long calculation, for it frequently cannot be made
to last half the number. In the first place, the Pupil learns every kind
of extravagance, which he practises en maitre the two next years. These
make an end of his fortune. He lives two more on credit, established
while his property lasted. The next two years he has a letter of
licence, and contrives to live by ways and means (for he has grown
comparatively knowing.) Then he marries, and the wife has the honour
of discharging his debts, her fortune proving just sufficient for the
purpose. Then he manages to live a couple of years more on credit, and
retires to one of his Majesty's prisons."

By this time Mr. Safebind made his appearance, and with great politeness
inquired if the Gentlemen were accommodated in the way they wished?
Upon being assured of this, and requested to take a seat, after some
introductory conversation, he gave them the following account of himself
and his business:--

"We have brought nine Gemmen into the house this morning; and, though I
say it, no Gemman goes out that would have any objection to come into it
again."

Tallyho shrugg'd up his shoulders in a way that seemed to imply a doubt.

~381~~ "For," continued he, "a Gemman that is a Gemman shall always find
genteel treatment here. I always acts upon honour and secrecy; and if as
how a Gemman can't bring his affairs into a comfortable shape here, why
then he is convey'd away without exposure, that is, if he understands
things."

With assurances of this kind, the veracity of which no one present could
doubt, they were entertained for some time by their loquacious Host,
who, having the gift of the gab,{1} would probably have continued long
in the same strain of important information; when dinner was placed on
the table, and they fell to with good appetites, seeming almost to have
made use of the customary grace among theatricals.{2}

"The table cleared, the frequent glass goes round, And joke and song and
merriment abound."

"Your house," said Dashall, "might well be termed the Temple of the
Arts, since their real votaries are so frequently its inhabitants."

"Very true, Sir," said Safebind, "and as the Poet observes, it is as
often graced by the presence of the devotees to the Sciences: in point
of company he says we may almost call it multum in parvo, or the Camera
Obscura of Life. There are at this time within these walls, a learned
Alchymist, two Students in Anatomy, and a Physician--a Poet, a Player,
and a Musician. The Player is an adept at mimicry, the Musician a good
player, and the Poet no bad stick at a rhyme; all anxious to turn their
talents to good account, and, when mingled together, productive
of harmony, though the situation they are in at present is rather
discordant to their feelings; but then you know 'tis said, that discord
is the soul of harmony, and they knocked up a duet among themselves
yesterday, which I thought highly amusing."

"I am fond of music," said Merry well--"do you think they would take a
glass of wine with us?"

1 Gift of the gab--Fluency of speech.

2 It is a very common thing among the minor theatricals,
when detained at rehearsals, &c. to adjourn to some
convenient room in the neighbourhood for refreshment, and
equally common for them to commence operations in a truly
dramatic way, by ex-claiming to each other in the language
of Shakespeare,

"Come on, Macbeth--come on, Macduff,
And d-----d be he who first cries--hold, enough."

~382~~ "Most readily, no doubt," was the reply. "I will introduce them
in a minute." Thus saying, he left the room, and in a very few minutes
returned with the three votaries of Apollo, who soon joined in the
conversation upon general subjects. The Player now discovered his
loquacity; the Poet his sagacity; and the Musician his pertinacity,
for he thought no tones so good as those produced by himself, nor no
notes--we beg pardon, none but bank notes--equal to his own.

It will be sufficient for our present purpose to add, that the
bottle circulated 'quickly, and what with the songs of the Poet, the
recitations of the Player, and the notes of the Fiddler, time, which
perfects all intellectual ability, and also destroys the most stupendous
monuments of art, brought the sons of Apollo under the table, and
admonished Dashall and his Cousin to depart; which they accordingly
did, after a promise to see their friend Merry well in his intended new
quarters.~383~~

CHAPTER XXIV

"All nations boast some men of nobler mind,
Their scholars, heroes, benefactors kind:
And Britain has her share among the rest,
Of men the wisest, boldest and the best:
Yet we of knaves and fools have ample share,
And eccentricities beyond compare.
Full many a life is spent, and many a purse,
In mighty nothings, or in something worse."

THE next scene which Tom was anxious to introduce to his Cousin's
notice was that of a Political Dinner; but while they were preparing for
departure, a letter arrived which completely satisfied the mind of the
Hon. Tom Dashall as to the motives and views of their friend Sparkle,
and ran as follows:

"Dear Dashall,

"Having rivetted the chains of matrimony on the religious anvil of
Gretna Green, I am now one of the happiest fellows in existence.
My election is crowned with success, and I venture to presume all
after-petitions will be rejected as frivolous and vexatious. The once
lovely Miss Mortimer is now the ever to be loved Mrs. Sparkle. I shall
not now detain your attention by an account of our proceedings or
adventures on the road: we shall have many more convenient opportunities
of indulging in such details when we meet, replete as I can assure you
they are with interest.

"I have written instructions to my agent in town for the immediate
disposal of my paternal estate in Wiltshire, and mean hereafter to take
up my abode on one I have recently purchased in the neighbourhood of
Belville Hall, where I anticipate many pleasurable opportunities
of seeing you and our friend Tallyho surrounding my hospitable and
(hereafter) family board. We shall be there within a month, as we mean
to reach our place of destination by easy stages, and look about us.

"Please remember me to all old friends in Town, and believe as ever,

Your's truly,

"Charles Sparkle."

"Carlisle."

~384 ~~ The receipt of this letter and its contents were immediately
communicated to young Mortimer, who had already received some
intelligence of a similar nature, which had the effect of allaying
apprehension and dismissing fear for his Sister's safety. The mysterious
circumstances were at once explained, and harmony was restored to the
previously agitated family.

"I am truly glad of this information," said Tom, "and as we are at
present likely to be politically engaged, we cannot do less than take a
bumper or two after dinner, to the health and happiness of the Candidate
who so emphatically observes, he has gained his election, and, in the
true language of every Patriot, declares he is the happiest man alive,
notwithstanding the rivets by which he is bound."

"You are inclined to be severe," said Tallyho.

"By no means," replied Dashall; "the language of the letter certainly
seems a little in consonance with my observation, but I am sincere in my
good wishes towards the writer and his amiable wife. Come, we must now
take a view of other scenes, hear long speeches, drink repeated bumpers,
and shout with lungs of leather till the air resounds with peals of
approbation.

"We shall there see and hear the great men of the nation, Or at least
who are such in their own estimation."

"Great in the name a patriot father bore,
Behold a youth of promise boldly soar,
Outstrip his fellows, clamb'ring height extreme,
And reach to eminence almost supreme.
With well-worn mask, and virtue's fair pretence,
And all the art of smooth-tongued eloquence,
He talks of wise reform, of rights most dear,
Till half the nation thinks the man sincere."

"Hey day," said Tallyho, "who do you apply this to?"

"Those who find the cap fit may wear it," was the reply--"

I leave it wholly to the discriminating few who can discover what
belongs to themselves, without further comment."

~385~~ By this time they had arrived at the Crown and Anchor Tavern, in
the Strand, where they found a great number of persons assembled, Sir
F. B------ having been announced as President. In a few minutes he was
ushered into the room with all due pomp and ceremony, preceded by
the Stewards for the occasion, and accompanied by a numerous body of
friends, consisting of Mr. H------, Major C------, and others, though
not equally prominent, equally zealous. During dinner time all went on
smoothly, except in some instances, where the voracity of some of
the visitors almost occasioned a chopping off the fingers of their
neighbours; but the cloth once removed, and 'Non nobis Domine' sung by
professional Gentlemen, had the effect of calling the attention of the
company to harmony. The Band in the orchestra played, 'O give me Death
or Liberty'--'Erin go brach'--'Britons strike home'--and 'Whilst happy
in my native Land.' The Singers introduced 'Scots wha hae wi' Wallace
bled'--'Peruvians wake to Glory'--and the 'Tyrolese Hymn.' But the
spirit of oratory, enlivened by the fire of the bottle, exhibited its
illuminating sparks in a blaze of lustre which eclipsed even the gas
lights by which they were surrounded; so much so, that the Waiters
themselves became confused, and remained stationary, or, when they
moved, were so dazzled by the patriotic effusions of the various
Speakers, that they fell over each other, spilt the wine in the pockets
of the company, and, by making afterwards a hasty retreat, left them to
fight or argue between each other for supposed liberties taken even by
their immediate friends.

[Illustration: page385 Political Dinner]

Unbridled feelings of patriotic ardour appeared to pervade every one
present; and what with the splendid oratory of the speakers, and the
deafening vociferations of the hearers, at the conclusion of what
was generally considered a good point, a sufficient indication of the
feelings by which they were all animated was evinced.

At the lower end of the table sat a facetious clerical Gentleman, who,
unmindful of his ministerial duties, was loud in his condemnation of
ministers, and as loud in his approbation of those who gave them what
he repeatedly called a good hit. But here a subject of great laughter
occurred; for Mr. Marrowfat, the Pea-merchant of Covent-Garden, and Mr.
Barrowbed, the Feathermonger of Drury Lane, in their zeal for the good
cause, arising at the same moment, big with ardour and sentiment, to
address the ~386~~ Chair on a subject of the most momentous importance
in their consideration, and desirous to signalize themselves
individually, so completely defeated their objects by over anxiety to
gain precedence, that they rolled over each other on the floor, to the
inexpressible amusement of the company, and the total obliteration of
their intended observations; so much so, that the harangue meant to
enlighten their friends, ended in a fine colloquy of abuse upon each
other.

The bottles, the glasses, and the other paraphernalia of the table
suffered considerable diminution in the descent of these modern Ciceros,
and a variety of speakers arising upon their downfall, created so much
confusion, that our Heroes, fearing it would be some time before harmony
could be restored, took up their hats and walked.

"Now," said Dashall, as they left the house, "you have had a full
view of the pleasantries of a Political Dinner; and having seen the
characters by which such an entertainment is generally attended, any
further account of them is almost rendered useless."

"At least," replied Tallyho, "I have been gratified by the view of some
of the leading men who contribute to fill up the columns of your London
Newspapers."