Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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Magistrate--Then I certainly shall not gratify you by
ordering you into custody.

Quaker--Thou wilt do as seemeth right in thy eyes. I assure
thee I have no inclination to occupy thy time longer than is
profitable to us, and therefore I will retire whenever thou
shalt signify that my stay is unpleasant to thee.

Magistrate--Why do you wear your hat?--are you a Quaker?

Quaker--Thou sayest it--but that is not my sole motive for
wearing it. To be plain with thee, I wear it because I chose
to do so. Canst thee tell me of any law which compels me
to take it off?

Magistrate--I'll tell you what, friend, I would seriously
recommend you to retire from this place as speedily as
possible.

Quaker--I take thy advice--farewell.

Thus ended this comical conversation, and the eccentric
friend immediately departed in peace.

The brother of the above person attended at the office on
Saturday, and stated that the Quaker is insane, that he was
proprietor of an extensive farm near Ryegate, in Surrey, for
some years; but that in May last his bodily health being
impaired, he was confined for some time, and on his recovery
it was found that his intellects were affected, and he was
put under restraint, but recovered. Some time since he
absconded from Ryegate, and his friends were unable to
discover him, until they saw the account of his eccen-
tricities in the newspapers. Mr. Squire was desirous, if he
made his appearance again at the office, he should be
detained. The Magistrate, as a cause for the detention of
the Quaker, swore the brother to these facts. About three
o'clock the Quaker walked up Bow-street, when an officer
conducted him to the presence of the Magistrate, who
detained him, and at seven o'clock delivered him into the
care of his brother.

~365~~ very quietly walking with a Police Officer, and exhibiting a
caricature of himself mounted on a velocipede, and riding over
corruption, &c. It was soon ascertained that he had accepted an
invitation from one of the Magistrates of Bow Street to pay him a visit,
as he had done the day before, and was at that moment going before him.

"I apprehend he is a little cracked," said Tom; "but however that may
be, he is a very harmless sort of person. But come, we have other game
in view, and our way lies in a different direction to his."

"Clothes, Sir, any clothes to-day?" said an importunate young fellow at
the corner of one of the courts, who at the same time almost obstructed
their passage.

Making their way as quickly as they could from this very pressing
personage, who invited them to walk in.

"This," said Tom, "is what we generally call a _Barker_. I believe the
title originated with the Brokers in Moor-fields, where men of this
description parade in the fronts of their employers' houses, incessantly
pressing the passengers to walk in and buy household furniture, as they
do clothes in Rosemary Lane, Seven Dials, Field Lane, Houndsditch, and
several other parts of the town. Ladies' dresses also used to be barked
in Cranbourn Alley and the neighbourhood of Leicester Fields; however,
the nuisance has latterly in some measure abated. The Shop-women in that
part content themselves now-a-days by merely inviting strangers to look
at their goods; but Barkers are still to be found, stationed at the
doors of Mock Auctions, who induce company to assemble, by bawling "Walk
in, the auction is now on," or "Just going to begin." Of these mock
auctions, there have been many opened of an evening, under the imposing
glare of brilliant gas lights, which throws an unusual degree of lustre
upon the articles put up for sale. It is not however very difficult to
distinguish them from the real ones, notwithstanding they assume all the
exterior appearances of genuineness, even up to advertisements in the
newspapers, purporting to be held in the house of a person lately gone
away under embarrassed circumstances, or deceased. They are denominated
Mock Auctions, because no real intention exists on the part of the
sellers to dispose of their articles under a certain price previously
fixed upon, which, although it may not be high, is invariably more than
they are actually worth: besides which, they may be easily discovered by
the anxiety they evince to show the goods to strangers at

~366~~the moment they enter, never failing to bestow over-strained
panegyrics upon every lot they put up, and asking repeatedly--"What
shall we say for this article? a better cannot be produced;" and
promising, if not approved of when purchased, to change it. The
Auctioneer has a language suited to all companies, and, according to his
view of a customer, can occasionally jest, bully, or perplex him into
a purchase.--"The goods must be sold at what they will fetch;" and
he declares (notwithstanding among his confederates, who stand by as
bidders, they are run up beyond the real value, in order to catch a
flat,) that "the present bidding can never have paid the manufacturer
for his labour."

In such places, various articles of silver, plate, glass and household
furniture are exposed to sale, but generally made up of damaged
materials, and slight workmanship of little intrinsic value, for the
self-same purpose as the Razor-seller states--

"Friend, (cried the Razor-man) I'm no knave;
As for the razors you have bought,
Upon my soul! I never thought
That they would shave."

"Not shave!" quoth Hodge, with wond'ring eyes,
And voice not much unlike an Indian yell;
"What were they made for then, you dog?" he cries.
"Made! (quoth the fellow with a smile) to sell."

Passing the end of White Horse Yard--"Here," continued Tom, "in this
yard and the various courts and alleys which lead into it, reside
numerous Girls in the very lowest state of prostitution; and it is
dangerous even in the day time to pass their habitations, at all
events very dangerous to enter any one of them. Do you see the crowd
of squalid, half-clad and half-starved creatures that surround the old
woman at the corner?--Observe, that young thing without a stocking is
stealing along with a bottle in one hand and a gown in the other; she is
going to put the latter _up the spout_{1} with her

1 Up the spout, or up the five--Are synonimous in their
import, and mean the act of pledging property with a
Pawnbroker for the loan of money--most probably derived from
the practice of having a long spout, which reaches from the
top of the house of the Pawn-broker (where the goods are
deposited for safety till redeemed or sold) to the shop,
where they are first received; through which a small bag is
dropped upon the ringing of a bell, which conveys the
tickets or duplicates to a person above stairs, who, upon
finding them, (unless too bulky) saves himself the trouble
and loss of time of coming down stairs, by more readily
conveying them down the spout.

~367~~ accommodating _Uncle,_{1} in order to obtain a little of the
enlivening juice of the juniper to fill the former."

1 Uncle, sometimes called the Ferrit, or the Flint--Cant
terms for Pawnbroker, though many of these gentlemen now
assume the more reputable appellation of Silversmiths. They
are willing to lend money upon all sorts of articles of
household furniture, linen, plate, wearing apparel,
jewellery, &c. with a certainty of making a very handsome
profit upon the money so circulated.

There are in this Metropolis upwards of two hundred and
thirty Pawnbrokers, and in some cases they are a useful and
serviceable class of people; and although doubtless many of
them are honest and reputable persons, there are still among
them a class of sharpers and swindlers, who obtain licences
to carry on the business, and bring disgrace upon the
respectable part of the profession. Every species of fraud
which can add to the distresses of those who are compelled
to raise temporary supplies of money is resorted to, and for
which purpose there are abundance of opportunities. In many
instances however the utility of these persons, in
preventing a serious sacrifice of property, cannot be
denied; for, by advancing to tradesmen and mechanics
temporary loans upon articles of value at a period of
necessity, an opportunity of redeeming them is afforded,
when by their industrious exertions their circumstances are
improved. Many of them however are receivers of stolen
good.s, and, under cover of their licence, do much harm to
the public. Indeed, the very easy mode of raising money by
means of the Pawnbrokers, operates as an inducement, or at
least an encouragement, to every species of vice. The
fraudulent tradesman by their means is enabled to raise
money on the goods of his creditors, the servant to pledge
the property of his employer, and the idle or profligate
mechanic to deposit his working tools, or his work in an
unfinished state. Many persons in London are in the habit of
pawning their apparel from Monday morning till Saturday
night, when they are redeemed, in order to make a decent
appearance on the next day. In low neighbourhoods, and among
loose girls, much business is done by Pawnbrokers to good
advantage; and considerable emolument is derived from women
of the town. The articles they offer to pledge are generally
of the most costly nature, and the pilferings of the night
are usually placed in the hands of an Uncle the next
morning; and the wary money-lenders, fully acquainted with
their necessities, just lend what they please; by which
means they derive a wonderful profit, from the almost
certainty of these articles never being redeemed.

The secresy with which a Pawnbroker's business is conducted,
though very proper for the protection of the honest and
well-meaning part of the population, to shield them from an
exposure which might perhaps prove fatal to their business or
credit, admits of great room for fraud on the part of the
Money-lender; more particularly as it respects the interest
allowed upon the pawns. Many persons are willing to pay any
charge made, rather than expose their necessities by
appearing before a Magistrate, and acknowledging they have
been concerned in such transactions.

Persons who are in the constant habit of pawning are
generally known by the Pawnbrokers, in most instances
governed by their will, and compelled to take and pay just
what they please. Again, much injury arises from the want of
care in the Pawnbroker to require a proper account, from the
Pledgers, of the manner in which the goods offered have been
obtained, as duplicates are commonly given upon fictitious
names and residences.

Notwithstanding the care and attention usually paid to the
examination of the articles received as pledges, these
gentlemen are sometimes to be duped by their customers. We
remember an instance of an elderly man, who was in the habit
of bringing a Dutch clock frequently to a Pawnbroker to
raise the wind, and for safety, generally left it in a large
canvass bag, till he became so regular a customer, that his
clock and bag were often left without inspection; and as it
was seldom deposited for long together, it was placed in
some handy nook of the shop in order to lie ready for
redemption. This system having been carried on for some
time, no suspicion was entertained of the old man. Upon one
occasion however the Pawnbroker's olfactory nerves were
saluted with a smell of a most unsavoury nature, for which
he could by no means account--day after day passed, and no
discovery was made, till at length he determined to overhaul
every article in his shop, and if possible discover the
source of a nuisance which appeared rather to increase than
abate: in doing which, to his utter astonishment, he found
the old man's Dutch clock trans-formed into a sheep's head,
enclosed in a small box similar in shape and size to that of
the clock. It will scarcely be necessary to add, that, being
in the heat of summer, the sheep's head when turned out was
in a putrid state, and as green as grass. The Pawn-broker
declared the old gentleman's works were out of repair, that
he himself was out of tune, and eventually pledged himself
never to be so taken in again. After all, however, it must
be acknowledged that my Uncle is a very accommodating man.

"My Uncle's the man, I've oft said it before,
Who is ready and willing to open his door;
Tho' some on the question may harbour a doubt,
He's a mill to grind money, which I call a spout.
Derry down.

He has three golden balls which hang over his door,
Which clearly denote that my Uncle's not poor;
He has money to lend, and he's always so kind,
He will lend it to such as leave something behind.
Derry down.

If to music inclin'd, there's no man can so soon
Set the hooks of your gamut to excellent tune;
All his tickets are prizes most carefully book'd,
And your notes must be good, or you're presently hook'd.
Derry down.

Shirts, shoes, and flat-irons, hats, towels, and ruffs,
To him are the same as rich satins or stuffs;
From the pillows you lay on, chairs, tables, or sacks,
He'll take all you have, to the togs on your backs.
Derry down.

Then ye who are needy, repair to your friend,
Who is ready and willing your fortunes to mend;
He's a purse full of rhino, and that's quite enough,
Tho' short in his speech, he can shell out short stuff.
Derry down.

What a blessing it is, in this place of renown
To know that we have such an Uncle in town;
In all cases, degrees, in all places and stations,
'Tis a good thing to know we've such friendly relations.
Derry down.

"Surely," said Tallyho, "no person could possibly be inveigled by her
charms?"

~369~~ "They are not very blooming just now," answered his Cousin--"you
do not see her in a right light. It is impossible to contemplate
the cases of these poor creatures without dropping a tear of pity.
Originally seduced from a state of innocence, and eventually abandoned
by their seducers, as well as their well-disposed parents or friends,
they are left at an early age at large upon the world; loathed and
avoided by those who formerly held them in estimation, what are they to
do?--It is said by Shakespeare, that

"Sin will pluck on sin."

They seem to have no alternative, but that of continuing in the practice
which they once too fatally begun, in which the major part of them end a
short life of debauchery and wretchedness.

"Exposed to the rude insults of the inebriated and the vulgar--the
impositions of brutal officers and watchmen--to the chilling blasts of
the night during the most inclement weather, in thin apparel, partly in
compliance with the fashion of the day, but more frequently from the

~370~~ Pawnbroker's shop rendering their necessary garments
inaccessible, diseases (where their unhappy vocation does not produce
them) are thus generated.

"Many are the gradations from the highest degree of prostitution down
to the trulls that parade the streets by day, and one or two more
steps still include those who keep out all night. Some of the miserable
inhabitants of this quarter are night-birds, who seldom leave their beds
during the day, except to refresh themselves with a drop of Old Tom; but
as the evening approaches, their business commences, when you will see
them decked out like fine ladies, for there are _coves of cases_,{1} and
others in the vicinity of the Theatres, who live by letting out dresses
for the evening, where they may be accommodated from a camesa{2} to a
richly embroidered full-dress court suit, under the care of spies, who
are upon the look-out that they don't brush off with the stock. Others,
again, are boarded and lodged by the owners of houses of ill-fame, kept
as dirty and as ragged as beggars all day, but who,

"Dress'd out at night, cut a figure."

It however not unfrequently happens to those unhappy Girls who have not
been successful in their pursuits, and do not bring home with them the
wages of their prostitution, that they are sent to bed without supper,
and sometimes get a good beating into the bargain; besides which, the
Mistress of the house takes care to search them immediately after they
are left by their gallants, by which means they are deprived of every
shilling."

Approaching the City, they espied a crowd of persons assembled together
round the door of Money the perfumer. Upon inquiring, a species of
depreciation was exposed, which had not yet come under their view.

It appeared that a note, purporting to come from a gentleman at the
Tavistock Hotel, desiring Mr. Money to wait on him to take measure of
his cranium for a fashionable peruke, had drawn him from home, and that
during his absence, a lad, in breathless haste, as if dispatched by the
principal, entered the shop, stating that Sir. Money wanted a wig which
was in the window, with some combs and hair-brushes, for the Gentleman's
inspection, and also a pot of his Circassian cream. The bait took, the
articles

1 Coves of cases--Keepers of houses of ill fame.

2 Camesa--A shirt or shift.

~371~~ were packed up, and the wily cheat had made good his retreat
before the return of the coiffeur, who was not pleased with being
seduced from his home by a hoaxing letter, and less satisfied to find
that his property was diminished in his absence by the successful
artifices of a designing villain. This tale having got wind in the
neighbourhood, persons were flocking round him to advise as to the mode
of pursuit, and many were entertaining each other by relations of a
similar nature; but our heroes having their friend Merrywell in view (or
rather his interest) made the best of their way to the Lock-up-house.

CHAPTER XXIII

"The world its trite opinion holds of those
That in a world apart these bars enclose;
And thus methinks some sage, whose wisdom frames
Old saws anew, complacently exclaims,
Debt is like death--it levels all degrees;
Their prey with death's fell grasp the bailiffs seize."

ON entering the Lock-up House, Bob felt a few uneasy sensations at
hearing the key turned. The leary Bum-trap ushered the Gemmen up stairs,
while Tallyho was endeavouring to compose his agitated spirits, and
reconcile himself to the prospect before him, which, at the moment, was
not of the most cheering nature.

"What, my gay fellow," said Merry well, "glad to see you--was just going
to scribble a line to inform you of my disaster. Zounds! you look as
melancholy as the first line of an humble petition, or the author of a
new piece the day after its damnation."

"In truth," replied Bob, "this is no place to inspire a man with high
spirits."

"That's as it may be," rejoined Merry well; "a man with money in his
pocket may see as much Real Life in London within these walls as those
who ramble at large through the mazes of what is termed liberty."

"But," continued Tom, "it must be admitted that the views are more
limited."

"By no means," was the reply. "Here a man is at perfect liberty to
contemplate and cogitate without fear of being agitated. Here he may
trace over past recollections, and enjoy future anticipations free from
the noise and bustle of crowded streets, or the fatigue of attending
fashionable routs, balls, and assemblies. Besides which, it forms so
important a part of Life in London, that few without a residence in
a place of this kind can imagine its utility. It invigorates genius,
concentrates ingenuity, and stimulates invention."

~373~~ "Hey dey!" said Tallyho, looking out of the window, and
perceiving a dashing tandem draw up to the door--"who have we here? some
high company, no doubt."

"Yes, you are right; that man in the great coat, who manages his cattle
with such dexterity, is no other than the king of the castle. He is
the major domo, or, in other words, the Bailiff himself. That short,
stout-looking man in boots and buckskins, is his assistant, vulgarly
called his Bum.{1} The other is a Gentleman desirous of lodging in
a genteel neighbourhood, and is recommended by them to take up his
residence here."

"What," inquired Bob, "do Bailiffs drive gigs and tandems?"

"To be sure they do," was the reply; "formerly they were low-bred
fellows, who would undertake any dirty business for a maintenance, as
you will see them represented in the old prints and caricatures, muffled
up in Ireat coats, and carrying bludgeons; but, in present Real life,
you will find them quite the reverse, unless they find it necessary
to assume a disguise in order to nibble a queer cove who proves shy of
their company'; but among Gentlemen, none are so stylish, and at the
same time so accommodating--you are served with the process in a
private and elegant way, and if not convenient to come to an immediate
arrangement, a gig is ready in the highest taste, to convey you from
your habitation to your place of retirement, and you may pass through
the most crowded streets of the city, and recognise your friends,
without fear of suspicion. Upon some occasions, they will also carry
their politeness so far as to inform an individual he will be wanted
on such a day, and must come--a circumstance which has the effect of
preventing any person from knowing the period of departure, or the place
of destination; consequently, the arrested party is gone out of town for
a few days, and the matter all blows over without any injury sustained.
This is the third time since I have been in the house that the tandem
has started from the door, and returned with a new importation."

By this time, the gig having been discharged of its cargo, was
reascended by the Master and his man, and bowl'd off again in gay style
for the further accommodation of fashionable friends, whose society was
in such high

1 See Bum-trap), page 166.

~374~~ estimation, that no excuse or denial could avail, and who being
so urgently wanted, must come.

"'Tis a happy age we live in," said Merry well; "the improvements are
evident enough; every thing is done with so much facility and gentility,
that even the race of bailiffs are transformed from frightful and
ferocious-looking persons to the most dashing, polite and accommodating
characters in the world. He however, like others, must have his
assistant, and occasional substitute.

"A man in this happy era is really of no use whatever to himself. It
is a principle on which every body, that is any body, acts, that no one
should do any thing for himself, if he can procure another to do it for
him. Accordingly, there is hardly the most simple performance in nature
for the more easy execution of which an operator or machine of some
kind' or other is not employed or invented; and a man who has had the
misfortune to lose, or chuses not to use any of his limbs or senses,
may meet with people ready to perform all their functions for him, from
paring his nails and cutting his corns, to forming an opinion. No man
cleans his own teeth who can afford to pay a dentist; and hundreds get
their livelihood by shaving the chins and combing the hair of their
neighbours, though many, it must be admitted, comb their neighbour's
locks for nothing. The powers of man and the elements of nature even are
set aside, the use of limbs and air being both superseded by steam; in
short, every thing is done by proxy--death not excepted, for we are told
that our soldiers and sailors die for us. Marriage in certain ranks is
on this footing. A prince marries by proxy, and sometimes lives for
ever after as if he thought all the obligations of wedlock were to be
performed in a similar manner. A nobleman, it is true, will here take
the trouble to officiate in the first instance in person; but there are
plenty of cases to shew that nothing is further from his noble mind than
the idea of continuing his slavery, while others can be found to take
the labour off his hands. So numerous are the royal roads to every
desideratum, and so averse is every true gentleman from doing any thing
for himself, that it is to be dreaded lest it should grow impolite to
chew one's own victuals; and we are aware that there are great numbers
who, not getting their share of Heaven's provision, may be said to
submit to have their food eat for them."