Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"It is a strange world, indeed," said Tallyho; "and of all that I have
ever heard or seen, this London of your's is the most extraordinary
part."

"Yes,--

"This world is a well-cover'd table,
Where guests are promiscuously set;
We all eat as long as we're able,
And scramble for what we can get--"

answered his Cousin; "in fact, it is like every thing, and at the same
time like nothing--~354~~

"The world is all nonsense and noise,
Fantoccini, or Ombres Chinoises,
Mere pantomime mummery
Puppet-show flummery;
A magical lantern, confounding the sight;

Like players or puppets, we move
On the wires of ambition and love;
Poets write wittily,
Maidens look prettily,
'Till death drops the curtain
--all's over--good night!"

By this time they were at Long's, where, upon inquiry, all trace of
Sparkle had been lost for two days. All was mystery and surprise, not so
much that he should be absent, as that his servant could give no account
of him, which was rather extraordinary. Tom ascertained, however, that
no suspicion appeared to have been excited as to Miss Mortimer, and,
with commendable discretion, avoided expressing a word which could
create such an idea, merely observing, that most likely he had taken an
unexpected trip into the country, and would be heard of before the day
was out.

On leaving Long's however they were met again by Mortimer in breathless
anxiety, evidently labouring under some new calamity.

"I am glad I have found you," said he, addressing himself to Dashall;
"for I am left in this d------d wilderness of a place without a friend
to speak to."

"How," inquired Ton, "what the d------l is the matter with you?"

"Why, you must know that Merry well is gone--"

"Gone--where to?"

"To--to--zounds, I've forgot the name of the people; but two genteel
looking fellows just now very genteely told him he was wanted, and must
come."

"Indeed!"

"Yes, and he told me to find you out, and let you know that he must
become a bencher; and, without more todo, walked away with his new
friends, leaving me forlorn enough. My Sister run away, my Uncle run
after her--Sparkle absent, and Merrywell--"

"In the hands of the Nab-men--I see it all clear enough; and you have
given a very concise, but comprehensive picture of your own situation;
but don't despair, man, you will yet find all right, be assured; put
yourself under my guidance, let the world wag as it will; it is useless
to torment yourself with things you cannot prevent or cure.

"The right end of life is to live and be jolly."

~355~~ Mortimer scarcely knew how to relish this advice, and seemed to
doubt within himself whether it was meant satirically or feelingly, till
Dashall whispered in his ear a caution not to betray the circumstances
that had transpired, for his Sister's sake. "But," continued he, "I
never suffer these things, which are by no means uncommon in London,
to interfere with my pursuits, though we are all somewhat at a loss.
However, as the post is in by this time, some news may be expected, and
we will call at home before we proceed any further.--Where do you think
the Colonel is gone to?"

"Heaven only knows," replied Mortimer; "the whole family is in an uproar
of surmise and alarm,--what may be the end of it I know not."

"A pretty breeze Master Sparkle has kick'd up, indeed," continued Tom;
"but I have for some time noticed an alteration in him. He always was
a gay trump, and whenever I find him seriously inclined, I suspect
some mischief brewing; for rapid transitions always wear portentous
appearances, and your serious files are generally sly dogs. My life
for it they have stolen a march upon your Uncle, queered some country
Parson, and are by this time snugly stowed away in the harbour of
matrimony. As for Merrywell, I dare be sworn his friends will take care
of him."

Expectation was on tiptoe as Dashall broke the seal of a letter that
was handed to him on arrival at home. Mortimer was on the fidget, and
Tallyho straining his neck upon the full stretch of anxiety to hear
the news, when Dashall burst into a laugh, but in which neither of the
others could join in consequence of not knowing the cause of it. In a
few minutes however the mystery was in some degree explained.

"Here," said Tom, "is news--extraordinary news--an official dispatch
from head-quarters, but without any information as to where the tents
are pitched. It is but a short epistle." He then read aloud,

"Dear Dashall,

"Please inform the Mortimer family and friends that all's well.

Your's truly,

C. Sparkle."

Then handing the laconic epistle to Mortimer--"I trust," said he, "you
will now be a little more at ease."

~356~~ Mortimer eagerly examined the letter for the postmark, but was
not able to make out from whence it came.

"I confess," said he, "I am better satisfied than I was, but am yet at
a loss to judge of the motives which have induced them to pursue so
strange a course."

"The motive," cried Tom, "that may be easily explained; and I doubt
not but you will find, although it may at present appear a little
mysterious, Sparkle will be fully able to shew cause and produce effect.
He is however a man of honour and of property, and most likely we may by
this time congratulate you upon the change of your Sister's name. What
a blaze it will make, and she will now most certainly become a sparkling
subject. Hang it, man, don't look so dull upon a bright occasion.

"To prove pleasure but pain, some have hit on a project,
We're duller the merrier we grow,
Exactly the same unaccountable logic
That talks of cold fire and warm snow.

For me, born by nature
For humour and satire,
I sing and I roar and I quaff;
Each muscle I twist it,
I cannot resist it,
A finger held up makes me laugh.

For since pleasure's joy's parent, and joy begets mirth,
Should the subtlest casuist or sophist on earth
Contradict me, I'd call him an ass and a calf,
And boldly insist once for all,
That the only criterion of pleasure's to laugh,
And sing tol de rol, loi de rol lol."

This mirth of Dash all's did not seem to be in consonance with the
feelings of Mortimer, who hastily took his departure.

"Come," said Tom to his Cousin, "having gained some information
respecting one friend, we will now take a stroll through Temple Bar, and
have a peep at Merrywell; he may perhaps want assistance in his present
situation, though I will answer for it he is in a place of perfect
security."

"How," said Bob--"what do you mean?"

"Mean, why the traps have nibbled him. He is arrested, and gone to a
lock-up shop, a place of mere accommodation for gentlemen to take up
their abode, for the purpose of ~357~~ arranging their affairs, and
where they can uninterruptedly make up their minds whether to give
bail, put in appearance and defend the suit, or take a trip to Abbott's
Priory; become a three months' student in the college of art, and
undergo the fashionable ceremony of white-washing."

"I begin to understand you now," said Bob, "and the only difference
between our two friends is, that one has willingly put on a chain for
life--"

"And the other may in all probability (continued Tom,) have to chaff his
time away with a chum--perhaps not quite so agreeable, though it really
is possible to be very comfortable, if a man can reconcile himself to
the loss of liberty, even in "durance vile."

By this time they were walking leisurely along Piccadilly,

"And marching without any cumbersome load,
They mark'd every singular sight on the road."

"Who is that meagre looking man and waddling woman, who just passed us?"
inquired Tallyho.

"An old Bencher," was the reply; "there you see all that is left of a
man of _haut ton_, one who has moved in the highest circles; but alas!
bad company and bad play have reduced him to what he now is. He has cut
up and turn'd down very well among the usurers and attornies; but it is
impossible to say of him, as of his sirloin of a wife (for she cannot be
called a rib, or at all events a spare rib) that there is any thing like
cut and come again. The poor worn-out Exquisite tack'd himself to his
Lady, to enable him to wipe out a long score, and she determined on
taking him for better for worse, after a little rural felicity in a walk
to have her fortune told by a gipsy at Norwood. He is now crippled in
pocket and person, and wholly dependent upon bounty for the chance of
prolonging a miserable existence. His game is up. But what is life but a
game, at which every one is willing to play? one wins and another loses:
why there have been as many moves among titled persons, Kings, Queens,
Bishops, Lords and Knights, within the last century, as there are in a
game at chess. Pawns have been taken and restored in all classes,
from the Sovereign, who pawns or loses his crown, to the Lady whose
reputation is in pawn, and becomes at last not worth half a crown.
Shuffling, cutting, dealing out and ~358~~ dealing in, double dealing
and double faces, have long been the order of the day. Some men's cards
are all trumps, whilst others have _carte blanche_; some honours count,
whilst others stand for nothing. For instance, did not the little man
who cast up his final accounts a short time back at St. Helena, like a
Corsican conjurer, shuffle and cut about among kings and queens, knaves
and asses, (aces I mean) dealing out honours when he liked, and taking
trumps as he thought fit?--did he not deal and take up again almost as
he pleased, having generally an honour in his sleeve to be played at
command, or _un roi dans le marche_; by which cheating, it was scarcely
possible for any one to get fair play with him, till, flushed by
success, and not knowing how to bear his prosperity, he played too
desperately and too long? The tables were turned upon him, and his
enemies cheated him, first of his liberty, and ultimately of his life."

At this moment Tallyho, who was listening in close attention to his
Cousin, struck his foot against a brown paper parcel which rolled before
him.--"Hallo!" exclaimed he, "what have we here?--somebody has dropped a
prize."

"It is mine, Sir," said an old woman, dropping them a curtsey with a
smile which shone through her features, though thickly begrimed with
snuff.

"A bite," said Tom.

"I dropp'd it from my pocket, Sir, just now."

"And pray," inquired Tom, "what does it contain?" picking it up.

"Snuff, Sir," was the reply; "a kind, good-hearted Gentleman gave it to
me--God bless him, and bless your Honour too!" with an additional smile,
and a still lower curtsey.

Upon examining the paper, which had been broken by the kick, Tom
perceived, that by some magic or other, the old woman's snuff had become
sugar.

"Zounds!" said he, "they have played some trick upon you, and given you
brimstone instead of snuff, or else you are throwing dust in our eyes."

The parcel, which contained a sample of sugar, was carefully rolled up
again and tied, then dropped to be found by any body else who chose to
stoop for it.

"This," said Dashall, "does not turn out to be what I first expected;
for the practices of ring and money ~359~~ dropping{1} have, at various
times, been carried on with great success, and to the serious injury
of the unsuspecting. The persons who generally apply themselves to this
species of cheating are no other than gamblers who ingeniously contrive,
by dropping a purse or a ring, to draw in some customer with a view to
induce him to play; and notwithstanding their arts have frequently been
exposed, we every now and then hear of some flat being done by these
sharps, and indeed there are constantly customers in London to be had
one way or another."

"Then you had an idea that that parcel was a bait of this kind,"
rejoined Bob.

"I did," replied his Cousin; "but it appears to be a legitimate letter
from some industrious mechanic to his friend, and is a curious specimen
of epistolary correspondence; and you perceive there was a person ready
to claim it, which conspired rather to confirm my suspicions, being a
little in the style of the gentry I have alluded to. They vary their
mode of proceeding according to situation and circumstance. Your
money-dropper contrives to find his own property, as if by chance.
He picks up the purse with an exclamation of 'Hallo! what have we
here?--Zounds! if here is not a prize--I'm in rare luck to-day--Ha,
ha, ha, let's have a peep at it--it feels heavy, and no doubt is worth
having.' While he is examining its contents, up comes his confederate,
who claims a share on account of having been present at the finding.
'Nay, nay,' replies the finder, 'you are not in it. This Gentleman is
the only person that was near me--was not you, Sir? 'By this means the
novice is induced to assent, or perhaps assert his prior claim. The
finder declares,

1 The practice of ring-dropping is not wholly confined to
London, as the following paragraph from the Glasgow Courier,
a very short time ago, will sufficiently prove:--'On Monday
afternoon, when three Highland women, who had been employed
at a distance from home in the harvest, were returning to
their habitations, they were accosted by a fellow who had
walked out a short way with them, 'till he picked up a pair
of ear-rings and a key for a watch. The fellow politely
informed the females that they should have half the value of
the articles, as they were in his company when they were
found. While they were examining them, another fellow came
up, who declared at once they were gold, and worth at least
thirty shillings. After some conversation, the women were
induced to give fifteen shillings for the articles, and came
and offered them to a watch-maker for sale, when they
learned to their mortification that they were not worth
eighteen pence!'

~360~~ that sooner than have any dispute about it, he will divide the
contents in three parts; recommends an adjournment to a public-house in
the neighbourhood, to wet the business and drink over their good luck.
This being consented to, the leading points are accomplished. The
purse of course is found to contain counterfeit money--Flash-screens or
Fleet-notes,{1} and the division cannot well be made without change can
be procured. Now comes the touch-stone. The Countryman, for such they
generally contrive to inveigle, is perhaps in cash, having sold his hay,
or his cattle, tells them he can give change; which being understood,
the draught-board, cards, or la bagatelle, are introduced, and as the
job is a good one, they can afford to sport some of their newly-acquired
wealth in this way. They drink and play, and fill their grog again. The
Countryman bets; if he loses, he is called upon to pay; if he wins, 'tis
added to what is coming to him out of the purse.

"If, after an experiment or two, they find he has but little money, or
fight shy, they bolt, that is, brush off in quick time, leaving him to
answer for the reckoning. But if he is what they term well-breeched,
and full of cash, they stick to him until he is cleaned out,{2} make him
drunk, and, if he turns restive, they mill him. If he should be an
easy cove,{3} he perhaps give them change for their flash notes, or
counterfeit coin, and they leave him as soon as possible, highly pleased
with his fancied success, while they laugh in their sleeves at the dupe
of their artifice."

"And is it possible?" inquired Tallyho--

"Can such things be, and overcome us
Like a summer's cloud?"

"Not without our special wonder," continued Dashall; "but such things
have been practised. Then again, your ring-droppers, or practisers of
the fawney rig, are more cunning in their manoeuvres to turn their wares
into the ready blunt.{4} The pretending to find a ring being one of the
meanest and least profitable exercises of their ingenuity, it forms a
part of their art to find articles of much more

1 Flash-screens or Fleet-notes--Forged notes.

2 Cleaned out--Having lost all your money.

3 Easy cove--One whom there is no difficulty in gulling.

4 Ready blunt--Cash in hand.

~361~~ value, such as rich jewelry, broaches, ear-rings, necklaces set
with diamonds, pearls, &c. sometimes made into a paper parcel, at others
in a small neat red morocco case, in which is stuck a bill of parcels,
giving a high-flown description of the articles, and with an extravagant
price. Proceeding nearly in the same way as the money-droppers with the
dupe, the finder proposes, as he is rather short of _steeven_,{1} to
_swap_{2}his share for a comparatively small part of the value stated in
the bill of parcels: and if he succeeds in obtaining one-tenth of that
amount in hard cash, his triumph is complete; for, upon examination, the
diamonds turn out to be nothing but paste--the pearls, fishes' eyes--and
the gold is merely polished brass gilt, and altogether of no value.
But this cannot be discovered beforehand, because the _bilk_{3} is in a
hurry, can't spare time to go to a shop to have the articles valued,
but assures his intended victim, that, as they found together, he should
like to _smack the bit_,{4 }without _blowing the gap_,{5} and so help
him G--d, the thing wants no _buttering up_,{6} because he is willing to
give his share for such a trifle."

1 Steeven--A flash term for money.

2 Swap--To make an exchange, to barter one article for
another.

3 A swindler or cheat.

4 Smack the bit--To share the booty.

5 Blowing the gap--Making any thing known.

6 Buttering up--Praising or flattering.

This conversation was suddenly interrupted by a violent crash just
behind them, as they passed Drury Lane Theatre in their way through
Bussel Court; and Bob, upon turning to ascertain from whence such
portentous sounds proceeded, discovered that he had brought all the
Potentates of the Holy Alliance to his feet. The Alexanders, the
Caesars, the Buonapartes, Shakespeares, Addisons and Popes, lay strewed
upon the pavement, in one undistinguished heap, while a poor Italian lad
with tears in his eyes gazed with indescribable anxiety on the shapeless
ruin--' Vat shall me do?--dat man knock him down--all brokt--you
pay--Oh! mine Godt, vat shall do! ' This appeal was made to Dashall and
Tallyho, the latter of whom the poor Italian seemed to fix upon as the
author of his misfortune in upsetting his board of plaster images; and
although he was perfectly unconscious of the accident, the appeal of the
vender of great personages had its desired effect upon them both; and
~362~~ finding themselves quickly surrounded by spectators, they gave
him some silver, and then pursued their way.

"These men," said Dashall, "are generally an industrious and hard-living
people; they walk many miles in the course of a day to find sale for
their images, which they will rather sell at any price than carry back
with them at night; and it is really wonderful how they can make a
living by their traffic."

"Ha, ha, ha," said a coarse spoken fellow following--"how the Jarman
Duck diddled the Dandies just now--did you twig how he queered the coves
out of seven bob for what was not worth _thrums._{1} The _Yelper_{2}
did his duty well, and finger'd the _white wool_{3} in good style. I'm
d------d if he was not up to slum, and he whiddied their wattles with
the velvet, and floored the town toddlers easy enough."

"How do you mean?" said his companion.

"Why you know that foreign blade is an ould tyke about this quarter, and
makes a good deal of money--many a _twelver_{4} does he get by buying
up broken images of persons who sell them by wholesale, and he of course
gets them for little or nothing: then what does he do but dresses out
his board, to give them the best appearance he can, and toddles into
the streets, _touting_{5} for a good customer. The first genteel bit of
flash he meets that he thinks will dub up the possibles,{6} he dashes
down the board, breaks all the broken heads, and appeals in a pitiful
way for remuneration for his loss; so that nine times out of ten he gets
some Johnny-raw or other to stump up the rubbish."

"Zounds!" said Dashall, "these fellows are smoking us; and, in the midst
of my instructions to guard you against the abuses of the Metropolis, we
have ourselves become the dupes of an impostor."

1 Thrums--A flash term for threepence.

2 The Yelper--A common term given to a poor fellow subject,
who makes very pitiful lamentations on the most trifling
accidents.

3 White wool--Silver.

4 Twelver--A shilling.

5 Touting--Is to be upon the sharp look out.

6 To dub up the possibles--To stand the nonsense--are nearly
synonimous, and mean--will pay up any demand rather than be
detained.

~363~~ "Well," said Tallyho, "it is no more than a practical
illustration of your own observation, that it is scarcely possible for
any person to be at all times secure from the arts and contrivances of
your ingenious friends the Londoners; though I confess I was little in
expectation of finding you, as an old practitioner, so easily let in."

"It is not much to be wondered at," continued Tom, "for here we are in
the midst of the very persons whose occupations, if such they may be
termed, ought most to be avoided; for Covent Garden, and Drury Lane,
with their neighbourhoods, are at all times infested with swindlers,
sharpers, whores, thieves, and depredators of all descriptions, for ever
on the look out. It is not long since a man was thrown from a two-pair
of stairs window in Charles Street,{1} which is just by, having been
decoyed into a house of ill fame by a Cyprian, and this in a situation
within sight of the very Police Office itself in Bow Street!"

"Huzza! ha, ha, ha, there he goes," vociferated by a variety of voices,
now called their attention, and put an end to their conversation; and
the appearance of a large concourse of people running up Drury Lane,
engrossed their notice as they approached the other end of Russel Court.

On coming up with the crowd, they found the cause of the vast assemblage
of persons to be no other than a Quaker{2} decorated with a tri-coloured
cockade, who was

1 A circumstance of a truly alarming and distressing nature,
to which Dashall alluded in this place, was recently made
known to the public in the daily journals, and which should
serve as a lesson to similar adventurers.

It appeared that a young man had been induced to enter a
house of ill fame in Charles Street, Covent Garden, by one
of its cyprian inmates, to whom he gave some money in order
for her to provide them with supper; that, upon her return,
he desired to have the difference between what he had given
and what she had expended returned to him, which being
peremptorily refused, he determined to leave the house. On
descending the stair-case for which purpose, he was met by
some men, with whom he had a violent struggle to escape;
they beat and bruised him most unmercifully, and afterwards
threw him from a two-pair of stairs window into the street,
where he was found by the Watchman with his skull fractured,
and in a state of insensibility. We believe all attempts
have hitherto proved fruitless to bring the actual
perpetrator or perpetrators of this diabolical deed to
punishment.

2 Bow-street.--Thursday morning an eccentric personage, who
has for some time been seen about the streets of the
Metropolis in the habit of a Quaker, and wearing the tri-
coloured cockade in his broad white hat, made his appearance
at the door of this office, and presenting a large packet to
one of the officers, desired him, in a tone of authority, to
lay it instantly before the Magistrate. The Magistrate (G.
R. Minshull, Esq.) having perused this singular paper,
inquired for the person who brought it; and in the next
moment a young man, in the garb of a Quaker, with a broad-
brimmed, peaceful-looking, drab-coloured beaver on his
head, surmounted by a furious tri-coloured cockade, was
brought before him. This strange anomalous ' personage
having placed himself very carefully directly in front of
the bench, smiled complacently upon his Worship, and the
following laconic colloquy ensued forthwith:--

Magistrate--Did you bring this letter?

Quaker--Thou hast said it.

Magistrate---What is your object in bringing it?

Quaker--Merely to let thee know what is going on in the
world--and, moreover, being informed that if I came to thy
office, I should be taken into custody, I was desiroiis to
ascertain whether that information was true.