Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"With me actually so," answered the Poet.

The Blacking-maker's Laureat now offered to the perusal of his
sympathising friends the following specimen of his ability in this mode
of composition:--

PUG IN ARMOUR;
OR,
THE GARRISON ALARMED.

"Whoe'er on the rock of Gibraltar has been,
A frequent assemblage of monkeys has seen
Assailing each stranger with volleys of stones,
As if pre-determin'd to fracture his bones!

A Monkey one day took his turn as a scout,
And gazing his secret position about,
A boot caught his eye, near the spot that was plac'd,
By w * * * *n's jet; Blacking transcendently grac'd;
And, viewing his shade in its brilliant reflection,
He cautiously ventured on closer inspection.

The gloss on its surface return'd grin for grin,
Thence seeking his new-found acquaintance within,
He pok'd in the boot his inquisitive snout,
Head and shoulders so far, that he could not get out;
And thus he seem'd cas'd--from his head to his tail,
In suit of high-burnish'd impregnable mail!

Erect on two legs then, with retrograde motion,
It stalk'd; on the Sentry impressing a notion
That this hostile figure, of non-descript form,
The fortress might take by manoeuvre or storm!

Now fixing his piece, in wild terror he bawls--
"A legion of devils are scaling the walls!"
The guards sallied forth 'mid portentous alarms,
Signal-guns were discharged, and the drums beat to arms;
And Governor then, and whole garrison, ran
To meet the dread foe in this minikin man!

"A man--'tis a monkey!" Mirth loudly exclaim'd,
And peace o'er the garrison then was proclaim'd;
And Pug was released, the strange incident backing
The merits, so various, of W* * * *n's Jet Blacking."

~332~~ This trifle, well enough for the purpose, was honoured with
approbation.

The two friends, unwilling to offend the delicacy of the Poet by a
premature pecuniary compliment at this early stage of acquaintance, took
his address and departed, professing an intention of calling upon him at
his lodgings in the evening.

"I would not, were I a bricklayer's labourer," exclaimed Bob, "exchange
situations with this unfortunate literary hack--this poor devil of
mental toil and precarious result, who depends for scanty subsistence on
the caprice of his more fortunate inferiors, whose minds, unexpanded
by liberal feeling, and absorbed in the love of self, and the
sordid consideration of interest, are callous to the impression of
benevolence!--But let us hope that few such cases of genius in
adversity occur, even in this widely extended and varied scene of human
vicissitude."

"That hope," replied his Cousin, "is founded on

"The baseless fabric of a vision!"

There are, at this moment, thousands in London of literary merit, of
whom we may truly say,

"Chill penury repress their noble rage,
And freeze the genial current of the soul!"

Men unsustained by the hand of friendship, who pine in unheeded
obscurity, suffering the daily privations of life's indispensable
requisites, or obtaining a scanty pittance at the will of opulent
ignorance, and under the humiliating contumely, as we have just been
informed, even of Blacking Manufacturers!

"But here is a man, who, during a period of eight years, held a public
situation, the duties of which he performed satisfactorily to the last;
and yet, on the abolition of the establishment, while the Principal
retires in the full enjoyment of his ample salary, this senior Clerk
and his fellows in calamity are cast adrift upon the world, to live or
starve, and in the dearth of employment suitable to their habits and
education, the unfortunate outcasts are left to perish, perhaps by the
hand of famine in the streets, or that of despondency in a garret;
or, what is worse than either, consigned to linger out their remaining
wretched ~333~~ days under the "cold reluctant charity" of a parish
workhouse.{1}

"When the principal of a Public-office has battened for many years on
his liberal salary, and the sole duties required of him have been those
of occasionally signing a few official papers, why not discontinue his
salary on the abolition of the establishment, and partition it out in
pensions to those disbanded Clerks by whose indefatigable exertions
the business of the public has been satisfactorily conducted? These
allowances, however inadequate to the purpose of substantiating all
the comforts, might yet realise the necessaries of life, and, at least,
would avert the dread of absolute destitution."

A pause ensued--Dashall continued in silent rumination--a few moments
brought our Heroes to the Horse Guards; and as the acquirement "devoutly
to be wished" was a general knowledge of metropolitan manners, they
proceeded to the observance of Real Life in a Suttling House.

Child's Suttling House at the Horse Guards is the almost exclusive
resort of military men, who, availing themselves of the intervals
between duty, drop in to enjoy a pipe and pint.

"To fight their battles o'er again,
Thrice to conquer all their foes,
And thrice to slay the slain."

In the entrance on the left is a small apartment, bearing the dignified
inscription, in legible characters on the door, of "The Non-Commissioned
Officers' Room." In front of the bar is a larger space, boxed off,
and appropriated to the use of the more humble heroical aspirants, the
private men; and passing through the bar, looking into Whitehall, is
the _Sanctum Sanctorum_, for the reception of the more exalted rank, the
golden-laced, three-striped, subordinate commandants, Serjeant-Majors
and Serjeants, with the colour-clothed regimental appendants of
Paymasters and Adjutants' Clerks, _et cetera_. Into this latter
apartment our accomplished friends were ushered with becoming

1 "Swells then thy feeling heart, and streams thine eye
O'er the deserted being, poor and old,

Whom cold reluctant parish-charity
Consigns to mingle with his kindred mold."
--Charlotte Smith.

~334~~ respect to their superior appearance, at the moment when a warm
debate was carrying on as to the respective merits of the deceased
Napoleon and the hero of Waterloo.

The advocate of the former seemed unconnected with the army: the
adherent to the latter appeared in the gaudy array of a Colour-Serjeant
of the Foot Guards, and was decorated with a Waterloo medal,
conspicuously suspended by a blue ribbon to the upper button of his
jacket; and of this honourable badge the possessor seemed not less vain
than if he had been adorned with the insignia of the most noble order of
the Garter.

"I contend, and I defy the universe to prove the contrary," exclaimed
the pertinacious Serjeant in a tone of authoritative assertion,
"that the Duke of Wellington is a greater man than ever did, does, or
hereafter may exist!"

"By no means," answered the Civilian. "I admit, so far as a thorough
knowledge of military tactics, and a brilliant career of victory
constitutes greatness, his grace of Wellington to be a great hero, but
certainly not the greatest 'inan that ever did, does, or hereafter may
exist!" "Is there a greater man? Did there ever exist a greater?--when
and where?" the Serjeant impatiently demanded.

"Buonaparte was a greater," answered the opposing disputant; "because to
military renown unparalleled in the annals of ancient or modern history,
he added the most consummate knowledge of government; and although his
actions might frequently partake of arbitrary sway, (and who is the
human being exempted from human frailty) yet he certainly created and
sustained, in her most elevated zenith, the splendour of France, till
crushed by the union of nations in arms; and if power is the criterion
of greatness, who was, is, or ever can be greater than the man, who,
emerging from obscurity, raised himself solely by his mental energies
to the highest elevation of human glory; and who, this Island excepted,
commanded the destinies of all Europe! The most determined of his
enemies will not deny, calmly and duly appreciating his merits, that he
possessed unrivalled talent; and this fact the hero, whose cause you
so vehemently espouse, would, I have no doubt, be the foremost in
acknowledging."

In deficiency of argument, the Serjeant resorted to invective; the
vociferous disputation reached the next ~335~~ room, and was taken up by
the rank and file in a manner not less tumultuous; when an honest native
of the "Emerald Isle" good-humouredly terminated the war of words,
calling for half a quartern of gin, with which to qualify a pint of
Whitbread's entire.

"To the immortal memory of St. Patrick, and long life to him!" exclaimed
Patrick O'Shaughnessy. "If there did not exist but them two selves, bad
luck to the spalpeen who will say that the Duke and my Lord Londondery
would not be the greatest men in the universe!"

This sally led to a cessation of hostilities, which might have been
followed by a definitive treaty of peace, but the daemon of discord again
made its appearance in the tangible shape of a diminutive personage,
who, hitherto silently occupying a snug out-of-the-way corner by the
fireplace, had escaped observation.

Dashall and his Cousin emerging from the Sanctum Sanctorum, where
their presence seemed to have operated as a check on the freedom of
discussion, had just seated themselves in the room allotted to the
private soldiers, when, in a broad northern accent, the aforesaid
taciturn gentleman, selecting the two strangers, who, of all the
company, seemed alone worthy the honour of his notice, thus addressed
them:

"I crave your pardon, Sirs--but I guess frae your manner that ye are
no unacquainted wi' the movements o' high life--do you ken how lang the
King means to prolong his abode amang our neebors owre the water, his
hair-brain'd Irish subjects, whase notions o' loyalty hae excited sae
mony preposterously antic exhibitions by that volatile race O' people?"

"I am not in possession," answered Dashall, "of any information on the
subject."

"By the manes of the Priest," exclaimed Mr. O'Shaughnessy, "but the King
(God bless him) has visited the land of green Erin, accompanied by the
spirit of harmony, and praties without the sauce of butter-milk be his
portion, who does not give them both a hearty welcome!--Arrah, what mane
you by a preposterous exhibition? By hecky, the warm hearts of the sons
and daughters of St. Patrick have exhibited an unsophisticated feeling
of loyalty, very opposite indeed to the chilling indifference, not to
say worse of it, of those his subjects at home; and as Sir William, the
big Baronet of the City, said in the House ~336~~ that gives laws to the
land, Why should not his Majesty be cheered up a little?"

This effusion of loyalty was well received, and Dashall and his Cousin
cordially united in the general expression of approbation.

"This is a' vera weel," said the Northern; "but an overstrained civility
wears ay the semblance o' suspicion, and fulsome adulation canna be vera
acceptable to the mind o' delicate feeling: for instance, there is
my ain country, and a mair ancient or a mair loyal to its legitimate
Sovereign there disna exist on the face o' the whole earth; wad the King
condescend to honor wi' his presence the palace o' Holyrod House, he
wad experience as ardent a manifestation o' fidelity to his person and
government in Auld Reekie as that shown him in Dublin, though aiblins
no quite sae tumultuous; forbye, it wadna hae been amiss to hae gaen
the preference to a nation whare his ancestors held sway during sae mony
centuries, and whare, in the castle of Edinburgh, is still preserved the
sacred regalia, with which it migh no hae been unapropos to hae graced
his royal head and hand amidst the gratifying pageantry o' a Scotch
coronation. Sure I am that North Britain has never been honored publicly
wi' a royal visit.--Whether ony branch o' the present reigning family
hae been there incognita they best ken themselves."

"You seem to have forgot," observed Tallyho, "the visit of the Duke of
Cumberland to Scotland in the year 1745."

"Begging your pardon for setting you right in that particular," answered
the cynic, with a most significant expression of countenance, "that,
Sir, was not a visit, but a visitation!"

"Appropriate enough," whispered Dashall to Tallyho.

"Augh, boderation to nice distinctions!" exclaimed O'Shaughnessy; "here,
Mister Suttler be after tipping over anoder half quartern of the cratur,
wid which to drink success to the royal visitant."

"And that the company may participate in the gratifying expression of
attachment to their Sovereign, Landlord," said Dashall, "let the glass
go round."

"Testifying our regard for the Sovereign," resumed the Northern, "it
canna be understood that we include a' the underlings o' Government. We
ought, as in duty bound, to venerate and obey the maister o' the house;
bat it is ~337~~ by no means necessary that we should pay a similar
respect to his ox and his ass, his man-servant and his maid-servant.
May be, had he been at hame on a late occasion o' melancholy solemnity,
blood wadna hae been spilt, and mickle dool and sorrow wad hae been
avoided."

"We perfectly understand your allusion," said one from the group of
Life-guardsmen: "Of us now present there were none implicated in the
unfortunate occurrences either of that day or a subsequent one: yet we
must not silently hear our comrades traduced--perhaps then it may be as
well to drop the subject."

"I canna think o' relinquishing a topic 0' discourse," answered the
Northern, "replete wi' mickle interest, merely at your suggestion; it
may be ye did your duty in obeying the commands, on that lamentable
occasion, O' your superior officers, and it is to be hoped that the duty
O' the country, towards those with whom originated the mischief, will
not be forgotten; there is already on record against the honour 0' your
corps a vera serious verdick."

Here the Life-guardsmen spontaneously started up; but the immediate
interposition of Dashall averted me impending storm; while Tallyho,
imitating the generosity of his Cousin, ordered the circulation once
more of the bottle, to Unanimity betwixt the military and the people.
Harmony thus restored, the two friends took their leave, amidst the
grateful acknowledgments of the company, O'Shaughnessy swearing on
their departure, that doubtless the two strangers were begot in Ireland,
although they might have come over to England to be born! While the
pertinacious Northern observed, that appearances were aften deceitful,
although, to be sure, the twa friends had vera mickle the manners 0'
perfectly well-bred gentlemen, and seem'd, forbye, to hae a proper sense
o' national honor.

Proceeding into Whitehall, Tallyho much admired the statue-like figures
of the mounted sentries in the recesses by the gate of the Horse-guards;
the relief had just approached; the precision of retirement of the one
party, and advance to its post of the other: the interesting appearance
of the appropriately caparisoned and steady demeanour of the horses,
and their instinctive knowledge of military duty, excited deservedly
prolonged attention,

~338~~ "One would think," said Tallyho, "that these noble animals are
really actuated by reasoning faculties."

"Hereafter," replied Dashall, "you will still more incline to this
opinion, when we have an opportunity of being present on a cavalry
field-day in Hyde Park, where manoeuvre will appear to have attained its
acme of perfection, as much from the wonderful docility of the horse as
the discipline of the rider."{l}

"But hold, who have we here?--Our friend Sparkle, gazing about him with
an eye of inquisitive incertitude, as if in search of lost property."

As his two friends approached, he seemed bewildered in the labyrinth
of conjecture.--"I have lost my horse!" he exclaimed, in answer to the
inquiry of Dashall. "Having occasion to stop half an hour at Drummond's,
I gave the animal in charge of an Israelite urchin, and now neither are
to be seen."

Casting a look down the street, they at last discerned the Jew lad,
quickly, yet carefully leading the horse along, with two boys mounted on
its back. Thoroughly instructed in the maxim--Get money, honestly if
you can, but get it by any means! young Moses had made the most of the
present opportunity, by letting out the horse, at a penny a ride, from
Charing Cross to the Horse Guards; this, by his own confession, was
the fifteenth trip! Sparkle, highly exasperated, was about to apply the
discipline of the whip to the shoulders of the thrifty speculator, when
Tallyho, interceding in his behalf, he was released, with a suitable
admonition.

1 Not long since some cavalry horses, deemed "unfit for
further service," were sold at Tattersal's. Of one of these
a Miller happened to be the purchaser. Subservient now to
the ignoble purposes of burthen, the horse one day was
led,'with a sack of flour on his back, to the next market-
town; there while the Miller entered a house for a few
moments, and the animal quietly waited at the door, a
squadron of dragoons drew up in an adjacent street, forming
by sound of trumpet; the instant that the Miller's horse
heard the well-known signal, it started off with as much
celerity as its burthen admitted, and, to the great
amusement of the troop, and astonishment of the spectators,
took its station in the ranks, dressing in line, with the
accustomed precision of an experienced veteran in the
service; and it was with considerable difficulty that the
Miller, who had now hastened to the spot, could induce the
animal to relinquish its military ardour, to which it still
appeared to cling with renewed and fond pertinacity!

Sparkle, mounting his recovered charger, left his ~339~~ pedestrian
friends for the present, to continue their excursion; who, proceeding up
St. Martin's Lane, and admiring that noble edifice, the Church, reached,
without other remarkable occurrence, the quietude of Leicester Square.

Close by is Barker's Panorama, an object of attraction too prominent to
be passed without inspection. They now entered, and Tallyho stood mute
with delight at the astonishing effect of the perspective; while, as if
by the powers of enchantment, he seemed to have been transported into
other regions. Amidst scenes of rich sublimity, in the centre of a vast
amphitheatre, bounded only by the distant horizon, far remote from the
noisy bustle of the Metropolis, he gave full scope to his imagination;
and after an hour of pleasing reverie, left the fascinating delusion
with evident reluctance.

Emerging once more into the gay world, the two associates, in search
of Real Life in London, proceeded through Covent Garden Market, where
fruit, flowers, and exotics in profusion, invite alike the eye and the
appetite.

Onwards they reached the classic ground of Drury, "Where Catherine
Street descends into the Strand."

"I never," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "pass this spot without a feeling
of veneration--the scenes of "olden times" rise on my view, and the
shades of Garrick, and our late loss, and not less illustrious
Sheridan, flit before me! This was then, as now, the seat of Cyprian
indulgence--the magnet of sensual attraction, where feminine youth and
beauty in their most fascinating and voluptuous forms were let out by
the unprincipled procuress, and the shrines of Venus and Apollo invited
the votaries of each to nocturnal sacrifice.{1}

1 The avenue to the boxes of Drury Lane Theatre was, in the
time of Garrick, through Vinegar Yard. In this passage an
old spider, better known, perhaps, by the name of a
Procuress, had spread her web, alias, opened a Bagnio, and
obtained a plentiful living by preying on those who
unfortunately or imprudently fell into her clutches. Those
who are not unacquainted with haddocks, will understand the
loose fish alluded to, who beset her doors, and accosted
with smiles or insults every one that passed. It happened
that a noble Lord, in his way to the theatre, with his two
daughters under his arm, was most grossly attacked by this
band of "flaming ministers." He immediately went behind the
scenes, and insisted on seeing Mr. Garrick, to whom he
represented his case, and so roused the vengeance of the
little Manager, that he instantly, full of wrath, betook
himself to this unholy Sybil:--

"Twin-child of Cacus; Vulcan was their sire, Full offspring
both of healthless fume and fire!"

Finding her at the mouth of her cavern, he quickly gave veut
to his rage in the most buskin'd strain, and concluded by
swearing that he would have her ousted. To this assault she
was not backward in reply, but soon convinced him that she
was much more powerful in abusive language than our Roscius,
though he had recourse in his speech to Milton's "hell-born
bitch," and other phrases of similar celebrity, whilst she
entirely depended on her own natural resources. Those to
whom this oratory is not new, have no need of our reporting
any of it; and those to whom it is a perfect mystery, boast
a "state the more gracious," and are the more happy in their
ignorance. None of this rhapsody, however, although teeming
with blasphemy and abuse, had any effect on Garrick, and he
would have remained unmoved had she not terminated in the
following manner, which so excited the laughter of the
collected mob, and disconcerted "the soul of Richard,"
that, without another word to say, he hastily took shelter
in the theatre. Putting her arms akimbo, and letting down
each side of her mouth with wonderful expression of
contempt, she exclaimed--"You whipper snapper! you oust me!
You be d-----d! My house is as good as your's--aye, and
better too. I can come into your's whenever I like, and
see the best that you can do for a shilling; but d-----me if
you, or any body else, shall come into mine for less than a
fifteen-penny negus."

~340~~ "This street and neighbourhood was wont to exhibit, nightly,
a melancholy proof of early infamy. Here might be seen a prolonged
succession of juvenile voluptuaries, females, many of them under
fourteen years of age, offering themselves to indiscriminate
prostitution, in a state verging on absolute nudity, alluring the
passengers, by every seductive wile, to the haunts of depravity, from
which retreat was seldom effected without pecuniary exaction, and
frequently accompanied by personal violence. The nuisance has been
partly abated, but entirely to remove it would be a task of more
difficult accomplishment than that of cleansing the Augean stable, and
would baffle all the labours of Hercules!"

"This fact," observed Tallyho, "throws an indelible stain on
metropolitan police."

"Not so," answered his companion, "scarce a day passes without groups of
these unfortunates being held before a magistrate, and humanely disposed
of in various ways, with the view of preventing a recurrence to vicious
habits,--but in vain;--the stain is more attributed to the depraved
nature of man, who first seduces, and then casts off ~341~~ to infamy
and indigence the unhappy victim of credulity. Many of these wretched
girls would, in all probability, gladly have abstained from the career
of vice, if, on their first fall, they had experienced the consoling
protection of parents or friends;--but, shut out from home,--exiled from
humanity,--divested of character, and without resources,--no choice is
left, other than mendicity or prostitution!"{1}

The sombre reflections occasioned by these remarks gradually gave way to
those of a more enlivening hue, as the two friends proceeded along the
Strand. The various display, at the tradesmen's shop windows, of useful
and ornamental articles,--the continued bustle of the street,--the
throng of passengers of every description, hurrying on in the activity
of business, or more leisurely lounging their way under the impulse of
curiosity,--the endless succession of new faces, and frequent occurrence
of interesting incident;--these united in forming an inexhaustible fund
of amusement and admiration.

1 "Hatton Garden.--On Saturday, no less than fifteen
unfortunate girls, all elegantly attired, were placed at the
bar, charged by Cadby, the street-keeper on the Foundling
Estate, with loitering about the neighbourhood for their
nocturnal purposes. The constable stated, that repeated
complaints had been made to him by many of the inhabitants,
of the disgraceful practice of vast numbers of frail ones,
who resort every night to Brunswick Square. He had been
therefore instructed to endeavour to suppress the nuisance.
About twelve o'clock on Friday night, while perambulating
the district, he found the fifteen prisoners at the bar in
Brunswick Square, at their usual pursuits, and all of them
were in the act of picking up gentlemen. He procured
assistance, and they were taken into custody, and conveyed
to the watch-house.