Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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The following appears to be a true description of this very
extraordinary man, whom we ourselves have seen more than once:--"Old
Courtois was well known for more than half a century in the purlieus of
St. Martin's and the Haymarket. His appearance was meagre and squalid,
and his clothes, such as they were, were ~320~~ pertinaciously got up in
exactly the same cut and fashion, and the colour always either fawn or
marone. For the last thirty years, the venerable chapeau was uniformly
of the same cock. The principal feat, however, in which this fervent
votary of Plutus appeared before the public, was his nearly fatal affair
with Mary Benson, otherwise Mrs. Maria Theresa Phepoe. In April 1795,
this ill-fated-woman projected a rather bungling scheme, in order
to frighten her old acquaintance and visitor, Courtois, out of a
considerable sum of money. One evening, when she was certain of his
calling, she had her apartment prepared for his reception in a species
of funereal style--a bier, a black velvet pall, black wax candles
lighted, &c. No sooner had the friend entered the room, than the lady,
assisted by her maid, pounced on him, forced him into an arm chair,
in which he was forcibly held down by the woman, while the hostess,
brandishing a case-knife or razor, swore with some violent imprecations,
that instant should be his last, if he did not give her an order on his
"banker for a large sum of money. The venerable visitor, alarmed at the
gloomy preparations and dire threats of the desperate female, asked for
pen, ink, and paper; which being immediately produced, he wrote a check
on his banker for two thousand pounds. He immediately retired with
precipitation, happy to escape without personal injury. The next
morning, before its opening, he attended at the Banker's, with some
Police-officers; and on Mrs. Phepoe's making her appearance with the
check, she was arrested, and subsequently tried at the Old Bailey, on a
capital charge, grounded on the above proceedings. However, through
the able defence made by her counsel (the late Mr. Fielding) who took a
legal objection to the case as proved, and contended that she never
had or obtained any property of Mr. Courtois, on the principle that
possession constituted the first badge of ownership, she was only
sentenced to twelve months' imprisonment."

"Some years since, the late Lord Gage met Courtois, at the court-room of
the East India House, on an election business. "Ah, Courtois!" said his
Lordship, "what brings you here?"--'To give my votes, my Lord,' was the
answer.--"What! are you a proprietor?--'Most certainly.'--"And of more
votes than one?"--'Yes, my ~321~~ Lord, I have four!'--"Aye, indeed! why
then, before you take the book, pray be kind enough to pin up my curls!"
With which modest request the proprietor of four votes, equal to ten
thousand pounds, immediately complied!

"M. Courtois married a few years since, and has left several children.
On reflecting that his widow's thirds would amount to an immense sum,
with his usual prudence he made a handsome settlement on her during
his lifetime. As his sons were not of very economical habits, he has
bequeathed them small annuities only; and vested the bulk of his fortune
in trustees on behalf of his daughters, who are infants.

"Until his death, he invariably adhered to the costume of the age in
which he was born. A three-cocked hat, and a plum-coloured coat,
both rather the worse for wear, in which we have seen him frequently,
invariably designated his person and habits; while a penurious economy,
that bid defiance to all vulgar imitation, accompanied him to his grave.
His death occurred in 1819, in the 80th or 81st year of his age."

"Such characters," observed Tallyho, "notwithstanding their
eccentricity, afford useful lessons to those who, in this giddy and
dissipated age, devote a part of their time to thinking."

"No doubt of it," replied Dashall; "they furnish examples of what may
be done by perseverance and determination, and almost seem to verify the
assertion, that every one may become rich if he pleases. But come, we
must move towards Tom's Coffee House, in our way to which we will
pass through the Royal Exchange, which lies directly before us. It was
originally a brick building, erected by Sir Thomas Gresham in the year
1567, but being destroyed by the fire of London in 1666, the present
building of Portland stone was raised in its place, the first stone
of which was laid by Charles II. in 1667; in consequence of which his
statue has been placed in the centre of its quadrangle, around which the
Merchants assemble daily to transact their commercial business.{1}

1 The merry Monarch was fond of the Citizens, and frequently
honoured the Lord Mayor's table with his presence. It is
said of him, that, on retiring to his carriage one day after
dining with the civic Sovereign, he was followed by the
latter, who, with a freedom inspired by the roseate Deity,
laid hold of His Majesty by the arm, and insisted that he
should not go until he had drunk t'other bottle. The Monarch
turned round, and good-humouredly repeating a line from an
old song--"The man that is drunk is as great as a king,"
went back to the company, and doubtless complied with the
Lord Mayor's request.

~322~~ "It has two principal fronts, one in Cornhill, and the other,
which you now see, is at the end of Threadneedle Street; each of which
has a piazza, affording a convenient shelter from the sun and rain.
It is open as a thoroughfare from eight in the morning till six in the
evening; but the hours in which business is chiefly transacted, are from
two to five. Its extent is 203 feet by 171."

By this time they had passed the gate, and Bob found himself in a
handsome area with a fine piazza carried entirely round, and furnished
with seats along the four walks, for Merchants of different nations, who
meet, each at their different stations, and was immediately attracted
by the appearance of the numerous specimens of art with which it was
adorned.

"Do you observe," said his Cousin, "within these piazzas are
twenty-eight niches; all vacant but that in which is placed a statue of
Sir Thomas Gresham, in the north-west angle; and that in the south-west,
which presents a statue of Sir John Barnard, Magistrate of the City, and
one of its Representatives in Parliament. Those smaller statues in the
niches of the wall of the Quadrangle, in the upper story, are the Kings
and Queens of England, beginning with Edward I. on the North side, and
ending with his late Majesty on the East. As far as Charles I. they were
executed by Gabriel Cibber. The various frames which are placed around
under the piazza, contain the names, residences and occupations of
Tradesmen, Mechanics and others. The grand front in Cornhill has
been under repair lately, and in its appearance, no doubt, is greatly
improved. The steeple which is just raised, is a handsome dome,
surmounted by the original grasshopper, rendered somewhat celebrated by
a prophecy, that certain alterations would take place in men, manners,
and times, when the grasshopper on the top of the Exchange should meet
the dragon at the top of Bow Church; and strange and extraordinary as it
may appear, this very circumstance is said to have taken place, as
they have both been seen in the warehouse of some manufacturer, to
whom ~323~~ they were consigned for repair; in addition to which, if
Crockery's{1} relation of the transmogrifications of England is to
be believed, the prophecy is in a considerable degree a whimsical and
laughable Burletta, in one act, has recently been produced at the Royal
Coburg Theatre, in which Mr. Sloman sings, with admirable comicality,
the following Song, alluded to by the Hon. Tom Dashall, to the tune of
O, The Roast Beef of Old England.

"From Hingy I came with my Master, O dear,
But Lunnun is not like the same place, that's clear;
It has nigh broke my heart since I have been here!
O, the old times of Old England,
O dear, the good English old times.

The town is so changed, that I don't know a spot;
The times are so hard, there's no vork to be got;
And for porter they charges you tip-pence a pot!
O, the old times, &c.

Then the sides of the houses are stuck full of bills
About Blacking, Mock-Auctions, and vonderful Fills;
But for von vot they cures, a hundred they kills!
O, the old times, &c.

There's the names are all halter'd verewer I goes,
And the people all laughs at the cut of my close;
The men are turn'd vomen, the belles are turn'd beaux!
O, the old times, &c.

Ven I vent out to Hingy, if any von died,
A good vooden coffin they used to prowide,
But hiron vons now keeps the poor vorms houtside!
O, the old times, &c.

There's the Lancaster schools now all over the land,
Vot teaches the children to scribble on sand--
And a hugly Bonassus vot lives in the Strand!
O, the new times, &c.

There's a new Life-preserver, vith vich you cant drown;
And a new kind of Sov'reigns just com'd into town,
Von is vorth a pound note, and the other a crown!
O, the new times, &c.

The Play-bills have hard vords, vot I cannot speak;
And the horgans plays nothing but Latin and Greek;
And it's rain'd every day now for more than a veek!
O, the new times, &c.

There's a man valks on vater and don't vet his feet;
And a patent steam-kitchen, vot cooks all your meat;
And Epp's ham and beef shop in every street!
O, the new times, &c.

I valks up and down vith the tears in my hye;
Vot they vonce call'd a vaggon is now call'd a fly;
And the boys points their fingers, and calls I--a"Guy!
O, the old times of Old England,
O dear, the good English old times."

~324~~There is a stair-case in each front, and one on each side, which
lead to a gallery above, running round the whole building, containing
the offices of various establishments; but I believe, in the original
plan, shops were intended to fill the building to the top. At present,
the upper rooms are occupied by Lloyd's celebrated Subscription
Coffee-house, for the use of Under-writers and Merchants--by the Royal
Exchange Insurance Company, and various offices of individuals. There
are also the Gresham Lecture--Rooms, where lectures are read pursuant to
the will of the late Sir Thomas Gresham, who bequeathed to the City of
London and the Mercers' Company, all the profits arising from these and
other premises in Cornhill, in trust to pay salaries to four lecturers
in divinity, astronomy, music, and geometry; and three readers in civil
law, physic, and rhetoric, who read lectures daily in term time.

"This we may consider the grand mart of the universe! where congregate
those sons of Commerce the British Merchants, who, in dauntless extent
of enterprise, hold such distinguished pre-eminence!"

Tallyho viewed the scene before him with an inquisitive eye, and was
evidently wrapped in surprise at the "busy hum of men," all actuated
by one universal object, the acquisition of wealth. The spacious area
exhibited a mass of mercantile speculators, numerously grouped, in
conversation; under the piazzas appeared a moving multitude in like
manner engaged, while the surrounding seats were in similar occupation;
Dashall and Bob, of the many hundreds of individuals present, were
perhaps the only two led to the place by curiosity alone.

Tallyho, who, on every occasion of "doubtful dilemma," looked to his
cousin Dashall for extrication, expressed his surprise at the appearance
of a squalid figure, whose lank form, patched habiliments, and unshorn
beard, indicated ~325~~extreme penury; in familiar converse with a
gentleman fashionably attired, and of demeanour to infer unquestionable
respectability.

"Interest," said Tallyho, "supersedes every other consideration, else
these two opposites would not meet."

"Your observation is just," replied his cousin; "the tatterdemallion to
whom you allude, is probably less impoverished than penurious; perhaps
of miserly habits, and in other respects disqualified for polite
society. What then, he is doubtless in ample possession of the essential
requisite; and here a monied man only is a good man, and without money
no man can be respectable."{1}

Here the continued and deafening noise of a hand-bell, rung by one
of the Exchange-keepers underlings, perched on the balcony over the
southern gate, interrupted Mr. Dashall's remarks; it was the signal for
locking up the gates, and inferring at the same time obedience to the
summons with due promptitude and submission, on pain of being detained
two hours "in duresse vile."

Sufficient alacrity of egression not having been shown, the Keepers
closed the two gates, and at the same time locked the east and western
avenues; thus interdicting from egress above three hundred contumacious
individuals, including the Hon. Tom Dashall and his Cousin.

A considerable time having now elapsed without any prospect of
enlargement, dissatisfaction gained ground apace, and shortly ripened
into actual mutiny. The disaffected now proceeded to hold a council of
war, and after a few moments deliberation, it was resolved unanimously
to storm the avenues! Dashall and

1 Some years ago, a gentleman of extensive property, residing in the
country, was desirous of raising, by way of loan on the security of
landed estates, the sum of 30,000L. His Solicitor in London, with whom
he had corresponded on the subject, summoned him at last to town; a
lender was found, who was to meet the Solicitor at a certain time and
place appointed, in the neighbourhood of the Exchange. The borrower,
on the day and near the hour fixed upon, was in the area of the Royal
Exchange, when there crossed over a wretched looking being, the very
personification of misery. The gentleman, unsolicited, gave the poor
object a shilling. On going to the appointed rendezvous, how great was
his astonishment to find in the person of the wealthy monied man the
identical receiver of his bounty!--"Ha, ha," cried he, "you shall not
fare the worse for your generosity!" and actually advanced the money
on terms much easier than expected. This personage was the celebrated
Daniel Dancer.

~326~~ Tallyho declined taking any part in the enterprise; they took a
right view of the affair; they were mere casual visitants, not likely
ever again to suffer a similar restraint, while the others were in the
daily practice of transacting business on the spot: to them therefore
the frequent recurrence of the present disaster might happen--theirs
then was the cause, as being most particularly interested.

An attack was made by the prisoners upon the portals opening into Bank
Buildings and Sweeting's Kents; but the former having been shattered
sometime since on a similar occasion, and subsequently very strongly
repaired, it was found impregnable, at least to any immediate exertion
of force, and being neither furnished with a park of artillery, nor with
the battering ram of the ancients, the little army faced to the right
about, enfiladed the area, and took up a new position, in due order of
assault, against the door of the avenue leading into Sweeting's Rents.
The affair was decided, and without bloodshed; the bars soon bent before
the vigour of the assailants; one of these was taken into custody by a
Beadle, but rescued, and the attack recommenced with success; when the
opposite door was also opened by the Shop-keeper living in that avenue,
and the Exchange was finally cleared at four minutes past five o'clock,
after above an hour's detention, including the time occupied in storming
the avenues.

The triumph of liberty was now complete; the intrepid phalanx disbanded
itself; and our Heroes having made the farewell conge to their
victorious compeers, proceeded into Cornhill, where, Dashall espying
his curricle at the door of Tom's Coffee House, they, after refreshing
themselves, took a cheerful country drive over London Bridge, Clapham
Common, Wandsworth, &c. from which they returned at six o'clock to
dinner, determined to have a night's rest before they proceeded in
search of further adventures.~327~~

CHAPTER XXI

"Happy the man, who void of cares and strife,
In silken or in leathern purse retains
A SPLENDID shilling! he nor hears with pain
New oysters cried, nor sighs for cheerful ale;

But I, whom griping penury surrounds,
And hunger, sure attendant upon want,
With scanty offal and small acid tiff,
Wretched repast, my meagre corse sustain!
Or solitary walk, or dose at home
In garret vile!"

TALKING over, at the breakfast-table, the occurrences of the preceding
day--"On my conscience!" exclaimed Tallyho, "were the antediluvian
age restored, and we daily perambulated the streets of this immense
Metropolis during a hundred years to come, I firmly believe that every
hour would bring a fresh accession of incident."

"Ad infinitum," answered Dashall; "where happiness is the goal in
view, and fifteen hundred thousand competitors start for the prize, the
manouvres of all in pursuit of the grand ultimatum must ever exhibit an
interesting and boundless variety. London,

". . . the needy villain's general home,
The common sewer of Paris and of Rome!"

where ingenious vice too frequently triumphs over talented worth--where
folly riots in the glare of luxury, and merit pines in indigent
obscurity.--Allons donc!--another ramble, and chance may probably
illustrate my observation."

"Take notice," said the discriminating Dashall to his friend, as they
reached the Mall in St. James's Park, "of that solitary knight of the
woeful countenance; his thread-bare raiment and dejected aspect, denote
disappointment and privation;--ten imperial sovereigns to a plebeian
~328~~ shilling, he is either a retired veteran or a distressed poet."

The object of curiosity, who had now seated himself, appeared to have
attained the age of fifty, or more--a bat that had once been
black--a scant-skirted blue coat, much the worse for wear--a striped
waistcoat--his lank legs and thighs wrapt in a pair of something
resembling trowsers, but "a world too wide for his shrunk shanks"--short
gaiters--shoes in the last stage of consumption--whiskers of full
dimensions--his head encumbered with an unadjusted redundancy-of grey
hair: such were the habiliments and figure of this son of adversity!

The two friends now seated themselves on the same bench with the
stranger, who, absorbed in reflection, observed not their approach.

The silence of the triumvirate was broken in upon by Tom, who, with his
usual suavity of manners, politely addressed himself to the unknown,
on the common topic of weather, _et cetera_, without eliciting in reply
more than an assenting or dissenting monosyllable, "You have seen some
service, Sir?"

"Yes."

"In the army, I presume?"

"No."

"Under Government?"

"Yes."

"In the navy, probably?"

"No."

"I beg your pardon," continued Dashall--"my motives originate not in
idle inquisitiveness; if I can be of any service------"

The stranger turned towards him an eye of inquiry. "I ask not from
impertinent curiosity," resumed Dashall, "neither would I wish
indelicately to obtrude an offer of assistance, perhaps equally
unnecessary as unacceptable; yet there are certain mutabilities of life
wherein sympathy may be allowed to participate."

"Sir," said the other, with an immediate grateful expansion of mind, and
freedom of communication--"I am inexpressibly indebted for the honour
of your solicitude, and feel no hesitation in acknowledging that I am
a literary writer; but so seldom employed, and, when employed, so
inadequately requited, that to me the necessaries of life are frequently
inaccessible."

~329~~ Here Tallyho interrupted the narrator by asking--whence it
was that he had adopted a profession so irksome, precarious, and
unproductive?

"Necessity," was the reply. "During a period of eight years, I performed
the duties as senior Clerk of an office under Government; four years
ago the establishment was broken up, without any provision made for its
subordinate dependents; and thus I became one of the twenty thousand
distressed beings in London, who rise from bed in the morning, unknowing
where to repose at night, and are indebted to chance for a lodging or a
dinner!"{1} 1 The following calculation, which is curious in all its
parts, cannot fail to interest the reader:--

The aggregate Population on the surface of the known
habitable Globe is estimated at 1000,000,000 souls. If
therefore we reckon with the Ancients, that a generation
lasts 30 years, then in that space 1000,000,000 human beings
will be born and die; consequently, 91,314 must be dropping
into eternity every day, 3800 every hour, or about 63 every
minute, and more than one every second. Of these
1000,000,000 souls, 656,000,000 are supposed to be Pagans,
160,000,000 Mahomedans, 9,000,000 Jews, only 175,000,000 are
called Christians, and of these only 50,000,000 are
Protestants.

There are in London 502 places of Worship--one Cathedral,
one Abbey, 114 Churches, 132 Chapels and Chapels of Ease,
220 Meet-ings and Chapels for Dissenters, 43 Chapels for
Foreigners, and 6 Synagogues for Jews. About 4050 public and
private Schools, including Inns of Courts, Colleges, &c.
About 8 Societies for Morals; 10 Societies for Learning and
Arts; 112 Asylums for Sick and Lame; 13 Dispensaries, and
704 Friendly Societies. Charity distributed L800,000 per
annum.

There are about 2500 persons committed for trial in one
year: The annual depredations amount to about L2,100,000.
There are 19 Prisons, and 5204 Alehouses within the bills of
Mortality. The amount of Coin counterfeited is L200,000 per
annum. Forgeries on the Bank of England in the year
L150,000. About 3000 Receivers of Stolen Goods. About 10,000
Servants at all times out of place. Above 20,000 miserable
individuals rise every morning without knowing how or by
what means they are to be supported during the passing day,
or where, in many instances, they are to lodge on the
succeeding night.

London consumes annually 112,000 bullocks; 800,000 sheep and
lambs; 212,000 calves; 210,000 hogs; 60,000 sucking pigs;
7,000,000 gallons of milk, the produce of 9000 cows; 10,000
acres of ground cultivated for vegetables; 4000 acres for
fruit; 75,000 quarters of wheat; 700,000 chaldrons of coals;
1,200,500 barrels of ale and porter; 12,146,782 gallons of
spirituous liquors and compounds; 35,500 tons of wine;
17,000,000 pounds of butter, 22,100,000 pounds of cheese;
14,500 boat loads of cod.

~330~~ "May I ask," said Mr. Dashall, "from what species of literary
composition you chiefly derive your subsistence?"

"From puffing--writing rhyming advertisements for certain speculative
and successful candidates for public favour, in various avocations;
for instance, eulogizing the resplendent brilliancy of Jet or Japan
Blacking--the wonderful effects of Tyrian-Dye and Macassar Oil in
producing a luxuriant growth and changing the colour of the hair,
transforming the thinly scattered and hoary fragments of age to the
redundant and auburn tresses of youth--shewing forth that the "Riding
Master to his late Majesty upwards of thirty years, and Professor of the
Royal Menage of Hanover, sets competition at defiance, and that all who
dare presume to rival the late Professor of the Royal Menage of Hanover,
are vile unskilful pretenders, ci-devant stable-boys, and totally
undeserving the notice of an enlightened and discerning public! In fact,
Sir, I am reduced to this occasional humiliating employment, derogatory
certainly to the dignity of literature, as averting the approach of
famine. I write, for various adventurers, poetical panegyric, and
illustrate each subject by incontrovertible facts, with appropriate
incident and interesting anecdote."

"And these facts," observed Bob Tallyho, "respectably authenticated?"

"By no means," answered the Poet; "nor is it necessary, nobody takes the
trouble of inquiry, and all is left to the discretion of the writer and
the fertility of his invention."

"On the same theme, does not there exist," asked Dashall, "a difficulty
in giving it the appearance of variety?"

"Certainly; and that difficulty would seem quite insurmountable when
I assure you, that I have written for a certain Blacking Manufacturer
above two hundred different productions on the subject of his
unparalleled Jet, each containing fresh incident, and very probably
fresh incident must yet be found for two hundred productions more! But
the misfortune is, that every thing is left to my invention, and the
remuneration is of a very trifling nature for such mental labour:
besides, it has frequently happened that the toil has proved
unavailing--the production is rejected--the anticipated half-crown
remains in the accumulating coffers of the Blacking-manufacturer, and
the Author returns, pennyless and despondingly, to his attic, where, if
fortune at last befriends him, he probably may breakfast dine and
sup, tria juncta in uno, at a late hour in the evening!" ~331~~ "And,"
exclaimed the feeling Dashall, "this is real Life in London!"