Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"The quantity of fish consumed," replied Tom, "in London is
comparatively small, fish being excessively dear in general: and this
is perhaps the most culpable defect in the supply of the capital,
considering that the rivers of Great Britain and the seas round her
coast teem with that food.--There are on an average about 2500 cargoes
of fish, of 40 tons each, brought to Billingsgate, and about 20,000 tons
by land carriage, making a total of about 120,000 tons; and the street
venders form a sample of low life in all its situations.

"--------In such indexes, although small
To their subsequent volumes, there is seen
The baby figure of the giant mass
Of things to come at large."

And the language you have already heard forms a part of what may be
termed Cockneyism."

"Cockneyism," said Bob, with an inquisitiveness in his countenance.

~297~~ "Yes," continued Tom, "Cockney is universally known to be the
contemptuous appellation given to an uneducated native of London,
brought into life within the sound of Bow bell--pert and conceited,
yet truly ignorant, they generally discover themselves by their mode of
speech, notwithstanding they have frequent opportunities of hearing the
best language; the cause, I apprehend, is a carelessness of every thing
but the accumulation of money, which is considered so important with
them--that they seem at all times to be in eager pursuit of it.

"O Plutus, god of gold! thine aid impart,
Teach me to catch the money-catching art;
Or, sly Mercurius! pilfering god of old,
Thy lesser mysteries at least unfold."

You will hear these gentry frequently deliver themselves in something
like the following manner:

"My eyes, Jim, vat slippy valking 'tis this here morning--I should ave
fell'd right down if so be as how I adn't cotch'd ould of a postis--vere
does you thinks I ave been? vy all the vay to Vapping Vail, an a top o
Tower Hill--I seed a voman pillar'd--such scrouging and squeeging, and
peltin vith heggs--ow funny!

"A female Fruit-seller will say to a Lady Oyster-dealer--Law, my dear
Mrs. Melton, how ar you this cowld morning, Mem.?--the streets vil be
nice and dirty--vel, for my part, I always likes dry vether--do your
usband vork at Foxall still?--I likes to warm my cowld nose vith a
pinch of your snuff--ow wery obliging--But come, I hear the bustle of
Billingsgate, and you shall have a peep at the people. By this time they
are all alive."

Bob laughed at his Cousin's specimens of cockney language, and they
sallied forth, to make further observations.

It was now a fine morning, the Sun shone with resplendent lustre upon
all around them, and danced in playful dimples on the sportive Thames;
there was however but little opportunity at the moment for them to
contemplate subjects of this sort, their eyes and ears being wholly
attracted by the passing and repassing of the persons desirous to sell
or supply themselves with fish; Thames Street was almost blocked up with
carts, and the hallooing and bawling of the different drivers, loading
or unloading, formed an occasional symphony to the ~298~~ continual hum
of those who were moving in all directions to and from the market.

"By yer leaf" said a sturdy built fellow, sweating under a load of fish
which appeared to press him almost down--"what the devil do you stand in
the way for?"

Bob, in stepping on one side to make room for this man to pass,
unfortunately trod upon the toe of an Hibernian lady, who was bearing
away a large basket of shrimps alive, and at the same time gave her arm
so forcible a jerk with his elbow, as disengaged her hand from the load;
by which means the whole cargo was overturned smack into the bosom of a
smartly dressed youth in white ducks, who was conducting some Ladies
on board one of the Gravesend boats. The confusion that followed is
scarcely to be conceived--the agitation of Talt who at hearing the
vociferated lamentations of the Irish woman--the spluttering of the
disconcerted Dandy--the declaration of the owner of the shrimps, "that
so help her God he should pay for her property"--the loud laughter of
those around them, who appeared to enjoy the embarrassment of the whole
party--and the shrimps hopping and jumping about amid the dirt and slush
of the pavement, while the Ladies were hunting those which had fallen
into the bosom of their conductor--formed a scene altogether, which,
in spite of the confusion of his Cousin, almost convulsed the Hon. Tom
Dashall with laughter, and which served but to increase the rancour of
the owner of the shrimps, and the poor toe-suffering Irishwoman, the
execrations of the Dandy Gentleman and his Ladies, and the miseries of
poor Bob; to escape from which, he gave the Hibernian and her employer
enough to purchase plaster for the one, and a fresh cargo for the other,
and seizing Tom by the arm, dragged him away from the scene of his
misfortunes in fishery.

[Illustration: page298 Real Life at Billingsgate]

Their progress however was presently impeded by a sudden scream, which
appeared to come from a female, and .drew together almost all the people
on the spot, it seemed as if it had been a preconcerted signal for a
general muster, and it was quickly ascertained that fisty-cuffs were the
order of the day, by the vociferations of the spectators, and the loud
acclamations of "Go it, Poll--pitch it into her--mill her snitcher--veil
done, Sail--all pluck--game to the back-bone--peppermint her
upper-story, and grapple her knowledge-box--D------n my eyes, but that
vas a good one, it ~299~~ has altered her weather-cock and shifted her
wind--There's your dairies--stand out of the way--Upon my sole you have
overturned all my flounders--D------n you and your dabbs too."

Tom and Bob took up a favourable position for observation at the corner
of a fish-stall, where they could quietly witness the combatants, and
take a general survey of the proceedings.

"Now," said Tom, "here is a lark for you, a female fight."

"Fine salmon, or cod, Gentlemen," said an elderly woman--"I wish I could
tempt you to be customers."

"Well," said Bob, "they are at it in good earnest."

"O yes," said the woman, "we always have it in real earnest, no sham--I
wish Poll may sarve her out, for Sall is a d------d saucy b------h at
all times."

"And what have they quarrelled about?" inquired Dashall.

"Jealousy, Sir, nothing else; that there man in the night-cap, with the
red ruff round his neck, is Sail's fancy man, and he sometimes lets
her have a cargo of fish for services done and performed, you
understand--and so Sail she comes down this morning, and she finds Poll
having a phililoo with him, that's all; but I wish they would go and
have it out somewhere else, for it spoils all business--Nance, go and
get us a quartern of Jacky, that I may ax these Gentlemen to drink, for
its a cold morning, and perhaps they are not used to be up so early."

Tom saw the drift of this in a moment, and taking the hint, supplied the
needful to Nance, who was dispatched for the heart-cheering beverage,
which they could perceive was in high reputation by those around them.
The effluvia of the fish, the fumes of tobacco, and the reviving
scent of the gin-bottle, rendered their olfactory salutations truly
delightful. Nor could they escape the Fish-wife without becoming
participators in the half pint of blue ruin.

"Come," said Tom, "we will now stroll a little further, and take a
survey of the street; but first we will give a look here.

"This," said he, "is the Custom House, a splendid building recently
erected, in consequence of the old one being demolished by fire in
1814." ~300~~ "It is, indeed," replied Bob, admiring the south front,
which is executed in Portland stone.

"Do you observe," continued Tom, "the central compartment, which
comprises what is called the Long Room, and which we will visit
presently, is quite plain, except the attic, which is elegantly
ornamented?--that alto-relievo contains allegorical representations of
the arts and sciences, as connected with and promoting the commerce
and industry of the nation--that to the west, a representation of
the costume and character of the various nations with whom we hold
intercourse in our commercial relations--in the centre, under the large
massive dial-plate, are inscribed in large bronze letters the names of
the founders and the date of its erection--the figures which support
the dial in a recumbent position are emblematical of industry and
plenty--that bold projection in the centre, gives a suitable character
to the King's warehouse, and forms an appropriate support to the
imperial arms upheld by the attributes of Ocean and Commerce."

Bob gazed with admiration and delight on this truly admirable and
extensive pile of national architecture; the gentle breeze from the
river, the occasional dash of the oar, and the activity which appeared
on board the different vessels; together with the view of London Bridge
on one side, over which he could perceive pedestrians and vehicles
of various kinds passing and repassing, and the Tower on the other,
conspired to heighten and give a most imposing effect to the scene.

"The designs," said Tallyho, "are truly creditable to the taste and
science of the architect."

"And this Quay in front, is intended to be enlarged by filling up a part
of the river; besides which, a new wall and quay are to be formed from
the Tower to Billingsgate, and numerous other improvements are projected
in the contiguous streets and lanes." "Not before it is necessary," was
the reply. "It would be impossible," continued Dashall, "to visit all
the apartments this building contains; we will however have a look
at the Long Room, and as we proceed I will endeavour to give you some
further information. We are now entering the East wing, which is a
counterpart of that on the West, having like this a grand stair-case
with a double flight of steps, which conduct to a lobby at each end
of the long room, lighted by ~301~~ these vertical lantern-lights, the
ceilings being perforated in square compartments, and glazed. These
lobbies serve to check the great draughts of air which would otherwise
flow through the room if it opened directly from the stair-case."

They now entered the Long Room, the imposing appearance of which had its
due effect upon Tallyho.

"Bless me!" cried he in a state of ecstasy, "this is a room to boast of
indeed."

"Yes," replied his Cousin, "there is not such another room in Europe; it
is 190 feet long by 66 wide, and proportionably high, divided into
three compartments by these eight massive pillars, from which, as you
perceive, spring the three domes, which are so richly ornamented, and
ventilated through the centre of each."

"And all of stone?" inquired Bob.

"Not exactly so," was the reply; "the floor (excepting the situation
of the officers and clerks) is of stone, but the walls and ceilings are
drawn out and tinted in imitation."

"And what are these antique pedestals for, merely ornaments?"

Tom was pleased at this inquiry, and with a smile of satisfaction
replied--"No, these pedestals do double duty, and are something like
what the rural poet, Goldsmith, describes in his _Deserted Village_--

"The chest contriv'd a double debt to pay,
A bed by night, a chest of drawers by day."

These are ornamental during the summer, but useful in the winter; they
contain fire-places completely hid from view."

"Fire-places," re-echoed Bob.

"Yes," continued his Cousin; "the smoke, descending, passes through the
piers on each side, and by their means a sufficient warmth is at all
times kept up in the room."

"That is a capital contrivance," said Tallyho.

"Then, to prevent the possibility of sustaining any serious injury from
fire, on the ground, one and two pair stories, the communication is cut
off by means of iron doors, which run on wheels in chase in the centre
of the walls, and are moved backward and forward by a windlass;
which doors are closed every evening, and would effectually prevent
a communication beyond their boundaries. Fire-proof rooms also, as
repositories for valuable books ~302~~ and papers, are provided on each
floor, where the important documents of the establishment are deposited
every evening, and removed in trunks to the respective offices. There
are in all 121 rooms devoted to various offices. This however is the
principal: here the general business is transacted, particularly for all
foreign concerns, both inwards and outwards. The Ship Master first makes
the report of the cargo here; the entries of which, either for payment
of duties, warehousing, or subsequent exportation, are all passed with
the respective officers in this room. The business of the customs is
managed by nine Commissioners, whose jurisdiction extends over all
parts of England. We will now pass out at the west wing, adjourn to yon
Tavern, refresh and refit, and after which a further walk."

"With all my heart," said Tallyho.

"What ho, Master B------," said Dashall, saluting the Landlord as he
entered the Tavern--"How does the world wag with you?--send us some soda
water--the newspaper--let somebody clean our boots--give us pen, ink and
paper, and prepare us some breakfast with all speed, but no fish, mind
that."

The Landlord bowed assent to his honourable customer; and by the time
they were ready, their orders were complied with.

"Pray," inquired Dashall of the obliging Landlord, who came in to ask if
they were supplied with all they wished for, "did you ever recover any
thing from that dashing Blade that so obligingly ordered his dinner
here?"

"Never got a halfpenny--no no, he was not one of those sort of
gentry--nor do I ever wish to see such again in my house."

This was uttered in a tone of discontent, which evidently shewed he had
no relish for the conversation.

Dashall could not refrain from laughter; upon perceiving which, the
Landlord withdrew with a loud slam of the door, and left his customers
to enjoy their mirth.

"What are you laughing at?" cried Bob.

"Why," continued his Cousin,

"There was, as fame reports, in days of yore,
At least some fifty years ago, or more,
A pleasant wight on town----"

~303~~ And there are many pleasant fellows now to be met with; but you
shall have the tale as I had it: This house has been celebrated for
furnishing excellent dinners, and the cookery of fish in particular;
consequently it has been the resort of the Bucks, the Bloods, and the
dashing Swells of the town, and I myself have been well entertained
here. It will therefore not be wondered at that its accommodations
should attract the notice of a Sharper whose name and character were
well known, but who was in person a total stranger to the unsuspecting
Landlord, whom however he did not fail to visit.

Calling one afternoon for the purpose of seeing how the land lay, in
high twig, and fashionably dressed, he was supplied with a bottle of
sherry, and requested the landlord to take a part with him--praised the
wine, talked of the celebrity of his house for fish, and gave an order
for a dinner for sixteen friends during the following week. The bait was
swallowed,

"For a little flattery is sometimes well."

'But are your wines of the first quality? (inquired the visitor;) for
good eating, you know, deserves good drinking, and without that we shall
be like fishes out of water.'--' Oh, Sir, no man in London can supply
you better than myself (was the reply;) but, if you please, you shall
select which you may like best, my stock is extensive and good.' He was
consequently invited into the cellar, and tasted from several binns,
particularly marking what he chose to conceive the best. Upon returning
to the parlour again--' Bless me, (cried he) I have had my pocket pick'd
this morning, and lost my handkerchief--can you oblige me with the loan
of one for present use? and I will send it back by one of my servants.'

'Certainly, Sir,' was the reply; and the best pocket-handkerchief was
quickly produced, with another bottle of wine, the flavour of which he
had approved while below. He then wrote a letter, which he said must be
dispatched immediately by a Ticket-porter to Albemarle Street, where
he must wait for an answer. This being done, lie desired a coach to be
called--asked the Landlord if he had any silver he could accommodate him
with, as he had occasion to go a little further, but would soon return.
This being complied with, by the Landlord giving him twenty shillings
with the expectation of receiving a ~304~~ pound note in return,
he threw himself into the coach, wished his accommodating Host good
afternoon, promised to return in less than an hour, but has never shewn
his face here since. Poor B------don't like to hear the circumstance
mentioned."

"Zounds!" said Tallyho, "somebody was green upon the occasion; I thought
people in London were more guarded, and not so easily to be done. And
who did he prove to be after all?"

"No other than the well-known Major Semple, whose depredations of this
sort upon the public rendered him so notorious."

Having finished their repast, Tom was for a move; and they took their
way along Thames Street in the direction for Tower Hill.

CHAPTER XX

"This life is all chequer'd with pleasures and woes
That chase one another like waves of the deep,
Each billow, as brightly or darkly it flows,
Reflecting our eyes as they sparkle or weep;
So closely our whims on our miseries tread,
That the laugh is awak'd ere the tear can be dried;
And as fast as the rain-drop of pity is shed,
The goose-plumage of folly can turn it aside;
But, pledge me the cup! if existence can cloy
With hearts ever light and heads ever wise,
Be ours the light grief that is sister to joy,
And the short brilliant folly that flashes and dies."

"THE building before us," said Tom, "is the Tower of London, which was
formerly a palace inhabited by the various Sovereigns of this country
till the reign of Queen Elizabeth. Fitzstephens says, it was originally
built by Julius Caesar; but I believe there is no proof of the truth
of this assertion, except that one of the towers is to this day called
Caesar's Tower."

"It seems a place of great security," said Bob.

"Yes--William the Conqueror erected a fortress on part of its present
site, to overawe the inhabitants of London on his gaining possession
of the City, and about twelve years afterwards, in 1078, he erected a
larger building than the first, either on the site of the former or near
it. This building, repaired or rebuilt by succeeding Princes, is that
which is now called the White Tower."

"It appears altogether to be a very extensive building," said Tallyho;
"and what have we here? (turning his eyes to the left)--the modern style
of those form a curious contrast to that we are now viewing."

"That is called Trinity Square, and the beautiful edifice in the
centre is the Trinity House; it is a new building, of stone, having
the advantage of rising ground for its site, and of a fine area in the
front." ~306~~ "The Trinity House," reiterated Bob, "some ecclesiastical
establishment, I presume, from its title?"

"There you are wrong," continued Dashall; "it is a Corporation, which
was founded in the year 1515 by Henry VIII. and consists of a Master,
four Wardens, eighteen Elder Brothers, in whom is vested the direction
of the Company, and an indefinite number of younger Brothers; for
any sea-faring man may be admitted into the Society by that name, but
without any part of the controul of its concerns. The elder Brethren are
usually selected from the most experienced commanders in the navy and
the merchants' service, with a few principal persons of his Majesty's
Government."

"But what, in the name of wonder," inquired Bob, "have Sailors to do
with the Trinity?"

"As much as other persons," was the reply; "if it is the anchor of hope,
as we are taught, they have as great a right to rely upon it as any
body else--besides, the names given to houses and places in London have
nothing to do with their occupations or situations, any more than
the common language of life has to do with nature; else why have we a
Waterloo House in the vicinity of St. Giles's for the sale of threads,
laces, and tapes--a Fleet for the confinement of prisoners, or the
King's Bench devoted to the same purposes, unless it is,

"That when we have no chairs at home,
The King (God bless him) grants us then a bench."

Though London contains a round of delights and conveniences scarcely to
be equalled, it is at the same time a combination of incongruities as
difficult to be conceived. The denomination of this House has therefore
nothing to do with the business to which it is devoted. The body which
transacts its concerns is called The Master, Wardens and Assistants, of
the Guild, or Fraternity of the most glorious and undivided Trinity,
and of St. Clement, in the parish of Deptford, Stroud, in the county of
Kent."

"An admirable illustration of your assertion," replied Bob; "and
pray may I be allowed, without appearing romantic or unnecessarily
inquisitive, to ask what are the objects of the Institution?"

"Certainly. The use of this Corporation is to superintend the general
interests of the British shipping, military and commercial. To this end,
the powers of the ~307~~ Corporation are very extensive; the principal
of which are, to examine the children educated in mathematics in
Christ's Hospital--examine the masters of the King's ships--appoint
pilots for the Thames--erect light-houses and sea-marks--grant licenses
to poor seamen, not free of the City, to row on the Thames--and
superintend the deepening and cleansing of the river; they have power
to receive donations for charitable purposes, and annually relieve great
numbers of poor seamen and seamen's widows and orphans; and as they
alone supply outward-bound ships with ballast, on notice of any shoal or
obstruction arising in the river Thames, they immediately direct their
men and lighters to work on it till it is removed. The profits arising
to the Corporation by this useful regulation is very considerable."

During this conversation they had continued to walk towards the Trinity
House, and were now close to it.

"Come," continued Dashall, "the interior is worth seeing: there are some
fine paintings in it, and the fitting up is altogether of an elegant
description."

Upon making application at the door, and the customary payment of a
shilling each, they were admitted. The appearance of the Hall, which is
grand, though light and elegant, particularly attracted the attention
of Tallyho. The double stair-case, which leads to the court-room, was an
object of peculiar delight. The beautiful model of the Royal William in
the Secretary's Office was much admired; but the Court-room was
abundant in gratification. Here they were ushered into a spacious
apartment,*particularly elegant, being unincumbered; the ceiling
finished in a superior style, and decorated with paintings of the late
King and Queen--James the Second--Lord Sandwich--Lord Howe, and Mr.
Pitt. Here Bob wandered from portrait to portrait, examining the
features and character of each, and admiring the skill and ability of
the artists. At the upper end of the room he was additionally pleased
to find a large painting containing a group of about twenty-four of
the elder Brethren, representing them at full length, attended by their
Secretary, the late Mr. Court. Many of the persons being well remembered
by Dashall, were pointed out by him to his Cousin, and brought to his
recollection names deservedly celebrated, though now no more. This
picture was the gift of the Merchant Brethren in 1794.

Tallyho was much delighted with his survey of this truly elegant
building, and the luminous account given by ~308~~ his Cousin of
the various persons whose portraits met his eye, or whose names and
characters, connected with the establishment, had become celebrated for
scientific research or indefatigable industry.

"It will occupy too much time this morning," said Dashall, "to visit
the interior of the Tower, as I have dispatched a Ticket-porter to
Piccadilly, ordering my curricle to be at Tom's Coffee-house at one; we
will therefore defer that pleasure to the next opportunity of being this
way. We will however take a look at the Bank and the Exchange, then a
trundle into the fresh air for an hour, and return home to dinner; so
come along, but we will vary our walk by taking another road back."

With this intention, they now crossed Tower Hill, and turned to the
left, along the Minories.

"Here is a place," said Dashall, "well known, and no doubt you have
often heard of--Sparrow Corner and Rosemary Lane are better known by
the appellation of Rag Fair. It is a general mart for the sale of
second-hand clothes, and many a well-looking man in London is indebted
to his occasional rambles in this quarter for his appearance. The
business of this place is conducted with great regularity, and the
dealers and collectors of old clothes meet at a certain hour of the
afternoon to make sales and exchanges, so that it is managed almost upon
the same plan as the Royal Exchange, only that the dealers here come
loaded with their goods, which must undergo inspection before sales can
be effected: while the Merchant carries with him merely a sample, or
directs his Purchaser to the warehouse where his cargo is deposited. The
principal inhabitants of this place are Jews, and they obtain supplies
from the numerous itinerant collectors from all quarters of London and
its suburbs, whom you must have observed parading the streets from the
earliest hour of the morning, crying _Ould clothes--Clothes sale_."