Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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~285~~ "I shall have finished in two minutes, Gentlemen," said the
Reader,{1} cocking up a red nose, that shone with resplendent lustre
between his spectacles, and then continuing to read on, only listened
to by a few of those around him, while a sort of general buz of
conversation was indistinctly heard from all quarters.

They were quickly supplied with grog and segars, and Bob, finding
himself a little better able to make use of his eyes, was throwing
his glances to every part of the room, in order to take a view of the
company: and while Tom was congratulated by those who knew him at the
_Round Table_--Merrywell and Harry were in close conversation with
Mortimer.

At a distant part of the room, one could perceive boxes containing small
parties of convivials, smoking and drinking, every one seeming to have
some business of importance to claim occasional attention, or engaged
in,

"The loud laugh that speaks the vacant mind." In one corner was a stout
swarthy-looking man, with large whiskers and of ferocious appearance,
amusing those around him with conjuring tricks, to their great
satisfaction and delight; nearly opposite the Reader of the Courier, sat
an elderly Gentleman{2} with grey hair, who heard

1 To those who are in the habit of visiting this room in an
evening, the character alluded to here will immediately be
familiar. He is a gentleman well known in the neighbourhood
as an Auctioneer, and he has a peculiar manner of reading
with strong emphasis certain passages, at the end of which
he makes long pauses, laughs with inward satisfaction, and
not infrequently infuses a degree of pleasantry in others.
The Courier is his favourite paper, and if drawn into an
argument, he is not to be easily subdued.

"At arguing too each person own'd his skill,
For e'en tho' vanquish'd, he can argue still."

2 This gentleman, who is also well known in the room, where
he generally smokes his pipe of an evening, is plain and
blunt, but affable and communicative in his manners--bold in
his assertions, and has proved himself courageous in
defending them--asthmatic, and by some termed phlegmatic;
but an intelligent and agreeable companion, unless thwarted
in his argument--a stanch friend to the late Queen and the
constitution of his country, with a desire to have the
_Constitution, the whole Constitution, and nothing but the
Constitution_.

~286~~ what was passing, but said nothing; he however puffed away large
quantities of smoke at every pause of the Reader, and occasionally
grinn'd at the contents of the paper, from which. Tallyho readily
concluded that he was in direct political opposition to its sentiments.

The acquisition of new company was not lost upon to those who were
seated at the round table, and it was not long before the Hon. Tom
Dashall was informed that they hoped to have the honour of his Cousin's
name as a member; nor were they backward in conveying a similar hint
to Frank Harry, who immediately proposed his two friends, Mortimer and
Merry well; an example which was followed by Tom's proposing his Cousin.

[Illustration: page286 Road to a Fight]

Such respectable introductions could not fail to meet the approbation
of the Gentlemen present,--consequently they were unanimously elected
Knights of the Round Table, which was almost as quickly supplied by the
Waiter with a capacious bowl of punch, and the healths of the newmade
Members drank with three times three; when their attention was suddenly
drawn to a distant part of the room, where a sprightly Stripling, who
was seated by the swarthy Conjuror before mentioned, was singing the
following Song:

THE JOYS OF A MILL,
OR
A TODDLE TO A FIGHT.

"Now's the time for milling, boys, since all the world's agog
for it,
Away to Copthorne, Moulsey Hurst, or Slipperton they go;
Or grave or gay, they post away, nay pawn their very togs
for it,
And determined to be up to all, go down to see the show:
Giddy pated, hearts elated, cash and courage all to view it,
Ev'ry one to learn a bit, and tell his neighbours how to do it;
E'en little Sprites in lily whites, are fibbing it and rushing it,
Your dashing Swells from Bagnigge Wells, are flooring it and
flushing it:

Oh! 'tis a sight so gay and so uproarious,
That all the world is up in arms, and ready for a fight.
The roads are so clogg'd, that they beggar all description now,
With lads and lasses, prim'd and grogg'd for bang-up fun and
glee;
Here's carts and gigs, and knowing prigs all ready to kick up a row,
And ev'ry one is anxious to obtain a place to see;
Here's a noted sprig of life, who sports his tits and clumner too,
And there is Cribb and Gully, Belcher, Oliver, and H armer too,
With Shelton, Bitton, Turner, Hales, and all the lads to go it well,
Who now and then, to please the Fancy, make opponents know it
well:

Oh! 'tis a sight, &c.
But now the fight's begun, and the Combatants are setting to,
Silence is aloud proclaim'd by voices base and shrill;
Facing, stopping---fibbing, dropping--claret tapping--betting too--
Reeling, rapping--physic napping, all to grace the mill;
Losing, winning--horse-laugh, grinning--mind you do not glance
away,
Or somebody may mill your mug, and of your nob in Chancery;
For nobs and bobs, and empty fobs, the like no tongue could ever
tell--
See, here's the heavy-handed Gas, and there's the mighty Non-
pareil:

Oh! 'tis a sight, &c.
Thus milling is the fashion grown, and ev'ry one a closer is;
With lessons from the lads of fist to turn out quite the thing;
True science may be learn'd where'er the fam'd Mendoza is,
And gallantry and bottom too from Scroggins, Martin, Spring;
For sparring now is all the rage in town, and country places
too,
And collar-bones and claret-mugs are often seen at races too;
While counter-hits, and give and take, as long as strength can
hold her seat,
Afford the best amusement in a bit of pugilistic treat:

Oh! 'tis a sight, &c.

While this song was singing, universal silence prevailed, but an uproar
of approbation followed, which lasted for some minutes, with a general
call of encore, which however soon subsided, and the company was again
restored to their former state of conversation; each party appearing
distinct, indulged in such observations and remarks as were most
suitable or agreeable to themselves.

Bob was highly pleased with this description of a milling match; and as
the Singer was sitting near the person who had excited a considerable
portion of his attention at intervals in watching his tricks, in some of
which great ingenuity was displayed, he asked his Cousin if he knew him.

"Know him," replied Tom, "to be sure I do; that is no other than Bitton,
a well-known pugilist, who frequently exhibits at the Fives-Court; he is
a Jew, and employs his time in giving lessons."

"Zounds!" said Mortimer, "he seems to have studied the art of
Legerdemain as well as the science of Milling."

"He is an old customer here," said a little Gentleman at the opposite
side of the table, drawing from his pocket a box of segars{1}--"Now,
Sir," continued he, "if you wish for a treat," addressing himself to
Tallyho, "allow me to select you one--there, Sir, is asgar like a
nosegay--I had it from a friend of mine who only arrived yesterday--you
don't often meet with such, I assure you."

Bob accepted the offer, and was in the act of lighting it, when Bitton
approached toward their end of the room with some cards in his hand,
from which Bob began to anticipate he would shew some tricks upon them.

As soon as he came near the table, he had his eye upon the Hon. Tom
Dashall, to whom he introduced 'himself by the presentation of a card,
which announced his benefit for the next week at the Fives-Court, when
all the prime lads of the ring had promised to exhibit.

"Egad!" said Dashall, "it will be an excellent opportunity--what, will
you take a trip that way and see the mighty men of fist?"

"With all my heart," said Tallyho.

"And mine too," exclaimed Mortimer.

It was therefore quickly determined, and each of the party being
supplied with a ticket, Bitton canvassed the room for other customers,
after which he again retired to his seat.

"Come," said a smartly dressed Gentleman in a white hat, "we have heard
a song from the other end of the room, I hope we shall be able to muster
one here."

1 This gentleman, whose dress and appearance indicate
something of the Dandy, is a resident in Mark Lane, and
usually spends his evening at the Round Table, where he
appears to pride himself upon producing the finest segars
that can be procured, and generally affords some of his
friends an opportunity of proving them deserving the
recommendations with which he never fails to present them.

This proposition was received with applause, and, upon Tom's giving a
hint, Frank Harry was called upon--the glasses were filled, a toast was
given, and the bowl was dispatched for a replenish; he then sung
the following Song, accompanied with voice, manner, and action, well
calculated to rivet attention and obtain applause:

PIGGISH PROPENSITIES,

THE BUMPKIN IN TOWN.

"A Bumpkin to London one morning in Spring,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la,
Took a fat pig to market, his leg in a string,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
The clown drove him forward, while piggy, good lack!
Lik'd his old home so well, he still tried to run back--

(Spoken)--Coome, coome (said the Bumpkin to himself,) Lunnun is the
grand mart for every thing; there they have their Auction Marts, their
Coffee Marts, and their Linen Marts: and as they are fond of a tid-bit
of country pork, I see no reason why they should not have" a Pork and
Bacon Mart--so get on (pig grunts,) I am glad to hear you have a voice
on the subject, though it seems not quite in tune with my

Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la.

It chanc'd on the road they'd a dreadful disaster,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
The grunter ran back 'twixt the legs of his master,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
The Bumpkin he came to the ground in a crack,
And the pig, getting loose, he ran all the way back!

(Spoken)--Hallo, (said the clown, scrambling up again, and scratching
his broken head,) to be sure I have heard of sleight-of-hand,
hocus-pocus and sich like; but by gum this here be a new manouvre
called sleight of legs; however as no boanes be broken between us, I'll
endeavour to make use on 'em once more in following the game in view: so
here goes, with a

Hey derry, ho derry, &c.

He set off again with his pig in a rope,

Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la,
Reach'd London, and now for good sale 'gan to hope
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
But the pig, being beat 'till his bones were quite sore.
Turning restive, rush'd in at a brandy-shop door.

(Spoken)--The genteeler and politer part of the world might feel a
little inclined to call this piggish behaviour; but certainly after a
long and fatiguing journey, nothing can be more refreshing than a _drap
of the cratur_; and deeming this the regular mart for the good stuff, in
he bolts, leaving his master to sing as long as he pleased--Hey derry,
he deny, &c.

Here three snuffy Tabbies he put to the rout,

Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai lft,
With three drams to the quartern, that moment serv'd
out,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
The pig gave a grunt, and the clown gave a roar,
When the whole of the party lay flat on the floor!

(Spoken)--Yes, there they lay all of a lump; and a precious group there
was of them: The old women, well prun'd with snuff and twopenny, and
bang-up with gin and bitters--the fair ones squalled; the clown growled
like a bear with a broken head; the landlord, seeing all that could be
seen as they roll'd over each other, stared, like a stuck pig! while
this grand chorus of soft and sweet voices from the swinish multitude
was accompanied by the pig with his usual grunt, and a

Hey derry, ho derry, &o.

The pig soon arose, and the door open flew,

Hey derry, ho derry, fal de ral la,
When this scrambling group was expos'd to my view,
Hey deny, ho derry, fal de ral la;
He set off again, without waiting for Jack,
And not liking London, ran all the way back!

(Spoken)--The devil take the pig! (said the Bumpkin) he is more trouble
than enough. "The devil take you (said Miss Sukey Snuffle) for you are
the greatest hog of the two; I dare say, if the truth was known, you are
brothers."--"I declare I never was so exposed in all my life (said Miss
Delia Doldrum.) There's my beautiful bloom petticoat, that never was
rumpled before in all my life--I'm quite shock'd!"--"Never mind, (said
the landlord) nobody cares about it; tho' I confess it was a shocking
affair."--'I wish he and his pigs were in the horse-pond (continued she,
endeavouring to hide her blushes with her hand)--Oh my--oh my!'--"What?"
(said Boniface)--'Oh, my elbow! (squall'd out Miss Emilia Mumble) I am
sure I shall never get over it.'--"Oh yes you will (continued he) rise
again, cheer your spirits with another drop of old Tom, and you'll soon
be able to sing

Hey derry, ho derry, &c.

By mutual consent the old women all swore,

Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la,
That the clown was a brute, and his pig was a boar,
Hey derry, ho derry, fal de rai la;
He paid for their liquor, but grumbled, good lack,
Without money or pig to gang all the way back.

(Spoken)--By gum (said he to himself, as he turn'd from the door) if the
Lunneners likes country pork, country pork doant seem to like they; and
if this be the success I'm to expect in this mighty great town in search
of the Grand Mart, I'll come no more, for I thinks as how its all a
flax; therefore I'll make myself contented to set at home in my own
chimney corner in the country, and sing

Hey derry, ho derry, &c.

This song had attracted the attention of almost every one in the room;
there was a spirit and vivacity in the singer, combined with a power of
abruptly changing his voice, to give effect to the different passages,
and a knowledge of music as well as of character, which gave it an
irresistible charm; and the company, who had assembled round him, at the
close signified their approbation by a universal shout of applause.

All went on well--songs, toasts and sentiments--punch, puns and
witticisms, were handed about in abundance; in the mean time, the
room began to wear an appearance of thinness, many of the boxes were
completely deserted, and the Knights of the Bound Table were no
longer surrounded by their Esquires--still the joys of the bowl were
exhilarating, and the conversation agreeable, though at times a little
more in a strain of vociferation than had been manifested at the
entrance of our party. It was no time to ask questions as to the names
and occupations of the persons by whom he was surrounded; and Bob,
plainly perceiving Frank Harry was getting into Queer Street, very
prudently declined all interrogatories for the present, making, however,
a determination within himself to know more of the house and the
company.

Mortimer also discovered symptoms of lush-logic, for though he had an
inclination to keep up the chaff, his dictionary appeared to be new
modelled, and his lingo abridged by repeated clips at his mother tongue,
by which he afforded considerable food for laughter.

Perceiving this, Tallyho thought it prudent to give his Cousin a hint,
which was immediately taken, and the party broke up.~292~~

CHAPTER XIX

"O there are swilling wights in London town
Term'd jolly dogs--choice spirits--alias swine,
Who pour, in midnight revel, bumpers down,
Making their throats a thoroughfare for wine.

These spendthrifts, who life's pleasures thus outrun,
Dosing with head-aches till the afternoon,
Lose half men's regular estate of Sun,
By borrowing too largely of the Moon:

And being Bacchi plenus--full of wine--
Although they have a tolerable notion
Of aiming at progressive motion,
Tis not direct, 'tis rather serpentine."

UPON leaving the house, it was quickly discovered that Mortimer was at
sea without a rudder or compass, but was still enabled to preserve the
true line of beauty, which is said to be in a flowing curve; Merry well
was magnanimous, Frank Harry moppy, and all of them rather muggy. Harry
was going Eastward, and the remainder of the party Westward; it was
half-past one in the morning--the weather had cleared up as their brains
had been getting foggy.

Tom proposed a rattler.

Frank Harry swore by the Bacchanalian divinity they might ride in
the rumble-tumble if they liked, but none of it for him, and began to
stammer out

How sweet in--the--wood-lands
Wi--ith ii--eet hound--and horn--
To awaken--shrill--[hiccup)--echo,
And taste the--(hiccup)--fresh morn.

During this time, having turned to the right on leaving the Woolpack,
instead of the left, they were pursuing their way down Gracechurch
Street, in a line with London Bridge, without discovering their mistake;
nor were ~293~~ they aware of the situation they were in till they
reached the Monument.

"Zounds!" said Tom, "we are all wrong here."

"All right," said Merrywell--"all right, my boys--go it, my kidwhys."

Bob hearing his Cousin's exclamation, began to make enquiries.

"Never mind," said Tom, "we shall get housed presently--I have it--I
know the shop--it is but seldom I get out of the way, so come along--I
dare say we shall see some more fun yet."

Saying this, he led the way down Thames street and in a short time
introduced them to the celebrated house in Dark-House Lane, kept open
at all hours of the night for the accommodation of persons coming to
market, and going off by the Gravesend boats and packets early in the
morning.

On entering this house of nocturnal convenience, a wide field for
observation was immediately opened to the mind of Dashall: he was no
novice to the varieties of character generally to be found within its
walls; and he anticipated an opportunity of imparting considerable
information to his Cousin, though somewhat clogg'd by his companions;
being known however at the bar, he found no difficulty in providing them
with beds: which being accomplished,

"Now," said Tom, "for a new scene in Real Life. Here we are situated at
Billingsgate, on the banks of the Thames; in another hour it will be all
alive--we will refresh ourselves with coffee, and then look around us;
but while it is preparing, we will take a survey of the interior--button
up--tie a silk handkerchief round your neck, and we may perhaps escape
suspicion of being mere lookers on; by which means we shall be enabled
to mingle with the customers in the tap-room, and no doubt you will see
some rum ones."

They now entered the tap or general room, which exhibited an appearance
beyond the powers of description.

In one corner lay a Sailor fast asleep, having taken so much ballast on
board as to prevent the possibility of any longer attending to the log,
but with due precaution resting his head on a bundle which he intended
to take on board his ship with him in the morning, and apparently
well guarded by a female on each side; in another was a weather-beaten
Fisherman in a Guernsey frock and a thick ~294~~ woollen night-cap, who,
having just arrived with a cargo of fish, was toiling away time till
the commencement of the market with a pipe and a pint, by whose side was
seated a large Newfoundland dog, whose gravity of countenance formed an
excellent contrast with that of a man who was entertaining the Fisherman
with a history of his adventures through the day, and who in return was
allowed to participate in the repeatedly filled pint--a Waterman in
his coat and badge ready for a customer--and two women, each having a
shallow basket for the purpose of supplying themselves with fish at the
first market for the next day's sale.

'Going to Gravesend, Gentlemen?' enquired the Waterman, as Tom and Bob
took their seats near him.

"No," was the reply.

"Beg pardon, Sir; thought as how you was going down, and mought want a
boat, that's all; hope no offence."

"I vas down at the Frying Pan in Brick Lane yesterday, (said the
communicative adventurer;) Snivelling Bill and Carrotty Poll was there
in rum order--you know Carrotty? Poll? so Poll, (Good health to you) you
knows how gallows lushy she gets--veil, as I vas saying, she had had a
good day vith her fish, and bang she comes back to Bill--you knows she's
rather nutty upon Bill, and according to my thinking they manages things
pretty veil together, only you see as how she is too many for him: so,
vhen she comes back, b------tme if Bill vasn't a playing at skittles,
and hadn't sold a dab all day; howsomdever he was a vinning the lush,
so you know Bill didn't care--but, my eyes! how she did blow him up vhen
she com'd in and see'd him just a going to bowl and tip, she tipp'd him
a vollopper right across the snout vhat made the skittles dance again,
and bang goes the bowl at her sconce instead of the skittles: it vas
lucky for her it did not hit her, for if it had, I'll be d------d if
ever she'd a cried Buy my live flounders any more--he vas at play vith
Sam Stripe the tailor; so the flea-catcher he jumps in between 'em,
and being a piece-botcher, he thought he could be peace-maker, but
it voudn't do, tho' he jump'd about like a parch'd pea in a
frying-pan--Poll called him Stitch louse, bid him pick up his needles
and be off--Bill vanted to get at Poll, Poll vanted to get at Bill--and
between them the poor Tailor got more stripes upon his jacket than
there is colours in a harlequin's breeches at Bartlemy Fair--Here's
good health to you--it was a ~295~~ bodkin to a but of brandy poor Snip
didn't skip out of this here vorld into that 'are?"

"And how did they settle it?" enquired the Fisherman.

'I'll tell you all about it: I never see'd such a b------dy lark in all
my life; poor Sam is at all times as thin as a thread-paper, and being
but the ninth part of a man, he stood no chance between a man and
a voman--Bill vas bleeding at the konk like a half-killed hog, and
Carrotty Moll, full of fire and fury, vas defending herself vith her
fish-basket--Billy vas a snivelling, Poll a stoearing, and the poor
Tailor in a funk--thinks I to myself, this here vont never do--so up
I goes to Poll--Poll, says I------' To the devil I pitch you,' says
she--only you know I knows Poll veil enough--she tried to sneak it
over me, but she found as how I know'd better--Poll, says I, hold your
luff--give us no more patter about this here rum rig--I'll give cost
price for the fish, and you shall have the money; and while I was
bargaining with her, d------n me if Bill and the Tailor vasn't a milling
avay in good style, till Stripe's wife comes in, gives Snivelling Billy
a cross-buttock and bolted off vith her fancy, like as the song says,
The devil took the tailor

"Vith the broad cloth under his arm."

I never laugh'd so in all my life; I thought I should------'

At this moment a nod from the Landlord informed Tom his coffee was
ready, when they were ushered into the parlour.

Bob, who had during the conversation in the other room, (which had
occasionally been interrupted by the snores of the sleepy Sailor, the
giggling of the Girls who appeared to have him in charge, and a growl
from the dog,) been particularly attentive to the narration of this
adventure, remarked that there was a peculiarity of dialect introduced,
which, to a person coming out of the country, would have been wholly
unintelligible.

"Yes," replied Tom, "almost every trade and every calling of which the
numerous inhabitants of this overgrown town is composed, has a language
of its own, differing as widely from each other as those of provincials.
Nor is this less observable in high life, where every one seems at times
to aim at rendering himself conspicuous for some extraordinary mode of
expression. But come, I ~296~~ perceive the morning is shedding its
rays upon us, and we shall be able to take a survey of the more general
visitors to this place of extensive utility and resort--already you may
hear the rumbling of carts in Thames Street, and the shrill voice of the
Fishwives, who are preparing for a day's work, which they will nearly
finish before two-thirds of the population leave their pillows. This
market, which is principally supplied by fishing smacks and boats coming
from the sea up the river Thames, and partly by land carriage from every
distance within the limits of England, and part of Wales, is open every
morning at day-light, and supplies the retailers for some miles round
the Metropolis. The regular shop-keepers come here in carts, to purchase
of what is called the Fish Salesman, who stands as it were between the
Fisherman who brings his cargo to market and the Retailer; but there are
innumerable hawkers of fish through the streets, who come and purchase
for themselves at first hand, particularly of mackarel, herrings,
sprats, lobsters, shrimps, flounders, soles, &c. and also of cod
and salmon when in season, and at a moderate rate, composing an
heterogeneous group of persons and characters, not easily to be met with
elsewhere." "Then," said Bob, "there is a certainty of high and
exalted entertainment;--I should suppose the supply of fish is very
considerable."