Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46 | 47 | 48 | 49 | 50 | 51 | 52 | 53 | 54 | 55 | 56 | 57 | 58 | 59 | 60 | 61 | 62 | 63 | 64 | 65 | 66 | 67 | 68 | 69 | 70 | 71 | 72 | 73 | 74 | 75 | 76 | 77 | 78 | 79 | 80 | 81

While seated in the comfortable enjoyment of their nips of ale, Sparkle,
with his usual vivacity, began an elucidation of the subjects they
had just left. "The collection of Caricatures," said he, "which is
considered the largest in London, are mostly from the pencil of that
self-taught artist, the late George Woodward, and display not only a
genuine and original style of humour in the design, but a corresponding
and appropriate character in the dialogue, or speeches connected with
the figures. Like his contemporary in another branch of the art, George
Morland, he possessed all the eccentricity and thoughtless improvidence
so common and frequently so fatal to genius; and had not his good
fortune led him towards Bow Church, he must have suffered severe
privations, and perhaps eventually have perished of want. Here, he
always found a ready market, and a liberal price for his productions,
however rude or hasty the sketch, or whatever might be the subject of
them."

~275~~ "As to books," continued he, "all ages, classes, and appetites,
may be here suited. The superficial dabbler in, and pretender to every
thing, will find collections, selections, beauties, flowers, gems, &c.
The man of real knowledge may here purchase the elements, theory,
and practice of every art and science, in all the various forms and
dimensions, from a single volume, to the Encyclopedia at large.
The dandy may meet with plenty of pretty little foolscap volumes,
delightfully hot-pressed, and exquisitely embellished; the contents of
which will neither fatigue by the quantity, nor require the laborious
effort of thought to comprehend. The jolly _bon-vivant_ and Bacchanal
will find abundance of the latest songs, toasts, and sentiments; and the
Would-be-Wit will meet with Joe Miller in such an endless variety of
new dresses, shapes, and sizes, that he may fancy he possesses all the
collected wit of ages brought down to the present moment. The young
Clerical will find sermons adapted to every local circumstance, every
rank and situation in society, and may furnish himself with a complete
stock in trade of sound orthodox divinity; while the City Epicure may
store himself with a complete library on the arts of confectionary,
cookery, &c, from Apicius, to the "Glutton's Almanack." The Demagogue
may furnish himself with flaming patriotic speeches, ready cut and
dried, which he has only to learn by heart against the next Political
Dinner, and if he should not 'let the cat out,' by omitting to
substitute the name of Londonderry for Caesar, he may pass off for a
second Brutus, and establish an equal claim to oratory with Burke, Pitt,
and Fox. The----"

"Auction will be over," interrupted Bob, "before you get half through
your descriptive Catalogue of the Books, so finish your nip, and let us
be off."

They entered, and found the Orator hard at it, knocking down with all
the energy of a Crib, and the sprightly wit of a Sheridan. Puns, bon
mots, and repartees, flew about like crackers.

"The next lot, Gentlemen, is the Picture of London,--impossible to
possess a more useful book--impossible to say what trouble and expence
may be avoided by the possession of this little volume. When your
Country Cousins pay you a visit, what a bore, what an expence, to be
day after day leading them about--taking them up the Monument--down
the Adelphi--round St. Paul's--across the ~276~~ Parks, through the new
Streets--along the Strand, or over the Docks, the whole of which may be
avoided at the expence of a few shillings. You have only to clap into
their pocket in the morning this invaluable little article, turn them
out for the day, and, if by good luck they should not fall into the
hands of sharpers and swindlers, your dear Coz will return safe home at
night, with his head full of wonders, and his pockets empty of cash!"

"The d----l," whispered Bob, "he seems to know me, and what scent we are
upon."

"Aye," replied his Cousin, "he not only knows you, but he knows that
some of your cash will soon be in his pockets, and has therefore made a
dead set at you."

"Next lot, Gentlemen, is a work to which my last observation bore some
allusion; should your friends, as I then observed, fortunately escape
the snares and dangers laid by sharpers and swindlers to entrap the
unwary, you may, perchance, see them safe after their day's ramble; but
should--aye, Gentlemen, there's the rub--should they be caught by the
numerous traps and snares laid for the Johnny Raw and Greenhorn in this
great and wicked metropolis, God knows what may become of them. Now,
Gentlemen, we have a remedy for every disease--here is the London Spy
or Stranger's Guide through the Metropolis; here all the arts, frauds,
delusions, &c. are exposed, and--Tom, give that Gentleman change for
his half crown, and deliver Lot 3.--As I was before observing,
Gentlemen--Turn out that young rascal who is making such a noise,
cracking nuts, that I can't hear the bidding.--Gentlemen, as I before
observed, if you will do me the favour of bidding me--"

"Good night, Sir," cried a younker, who had just exploded a detonating
cracker, and was making his escape through the crowd.

"The next lot, gentlemen, is the Young Man's best Companion, and as your
humble Servant is the author, he begs to decline any panegyric--modesty
forbids it--but leaves it entirely with you to appreciate its
merits--two shillings--two and six--three shillings--three and
six--four, going for four--for you, Sir, at four."

"Me, Sir! Lord bless you, I never opened my mouth!"

"Perfectly aware of that, Sir, it was quite unnecessary--I could read
your intention in your eye--and observed the muscle of the mouth, call'd
by anatomists the

~277~~ _zygomaticus major_, in the act of moving. I should have been
dull not to have noticed it--and rude not to have saved you the
trouble of speaking: Tom, deliver the Gentleman the lot, and take four
shillings."

"Well, Sir, I certainly feel flattered with your acute and polite
attention, and can do no less than profit by it--so hand up the
lot--cheap enough, God knows."

"And pray," said Dashall to his Cousin as they quitted, "what do you
intend doing with all your purchases? why it will require a waggon to
remove them."

"O, I shall send the whole down to Belville Hall: our friends there will
be furnished with a rare stock of entertainment during the long winter
evenings, and no present I could offer would be half so acceptable."

"Well," remarked Mortimer, "you bid away bravely, and frequently in your
eagerness advanced on yourself: at some sales you would have paid dearly
for this; but here no advantage was taken, the mistake was explained,
and the bidding declined in the most fair and honourable manner. I have
often made considerable purchases, and never yet had reason to repent,
which is saying much; for if I inadvertently bid for, and had a lot
knocked down to me, which I afterwards disliked, I always found an
acquaintance glad to take it off my hands at the cost, and in several
instances have sold or exchanged to considerable advantage. One thing I
am sorry we overlooked: a paper entitled, "Seven Reasons," is generally
distributed during the Sale, and more cogent reasons I assure you could
not be assigned, both for purchasing and reading in general, had the
seven wise men of Greece drawn them up. You may at any time procure a
copy, and it will furnish you with an apology for the manner in which
you have spent your time and money, for at least one hour, during your
abode in London."

Please, Sir, to buy a ha'porth of matches, said a poor, squalid little
child without a shoe to her foot, who was running by the side of
Bob--it's the last ha'porth, Sir, and I must sell them before I go home.

This address was uttered in so piteous a tone, that it could not well be
passed unheeded.

"Why," said Tallyho, "as well as Bibles and Schools for all, London
seems to have a match for every body."

"Forty a penny, Spring-radishes," said a lusty bawling ~278~~ fellow as
he passed, in a voice so loud and strong, as to form a complete contrast
to the little ragged Petitioner, 'who held out her handful of matches
continuing her solicitations. Bob put his hand in his pocket, and gave
her sixpence.

"We shall never get on at this rate," said Tom; "and I find I must again
advise you not to believe all you hear and see. These little ragged
run-abouts are taught by their Parents a species of imposition or
deception of which you are not aware, and while perhaps you congratulate
yourself with 'the thought of having done a good act, you are only
contributing to the idleness and dissipation of a set of hardened
beings, who are laughing at your credulity; and I suspect this is a case
in point--do you see that woman on the opposite side of the way, and the
child giving her the money?"

"I do," said Tallyho; "that, I suppose, is her mother?"

"Probably," continued Dashall--"now mark what will follow."

They stopped a short time, and observed that the Child very soon
disposed of her last bunch of matches, as she had termed them, gave the
money to the woman, who supplied her in return with another last bunch,
to be disposed of in a similar way.

"Is it possible?" said Bob.

"Not only possible, but you see it is actual; it is not however the only
species of deceit practised with success in London in a similar way;
indeed the trade of match-making has latterly been a good one among
those who have been willing to engage in it. Many persons of decent
appearance, representing themselves to be tradesmen and mechanics out
of employ, have placed themselves at the corners of our streets, and
canvassed the outskirts of the town, with green bags, carrying matches,
which, by telling a pityful tale, they induce housekeepers and others,
who commiserate their situation, to purchase; and, in the evening, are
able to figure away in silk stockings with the produce of their labours.
There is one man, well known in town, who makes a very good livelihood
by bawling in a stentorian voice,

"Whow whow, will you buy my good matches,
Whow whow, will you buy my good matches,
Buy my good matches, come buy'em of me."

~279~~ He is usually dressed in something like an old military great
coat, wears spectacles, and walks with a stick."

"And is a match for any body, match him who can,", cried Frank Harry;
"But, bless your heart, that's nothing to another set of gentry, who
have infested our streets in clean apparel, with a broom in their hands,
holding at the same time a hat to receive the contributions of the
passengers, whose benevolent donations are drawn forth without inquiry
by the appearance of the applicant."

"It must," said Tallyho, "arise from the distresses of the times."

"There may be something in that," said Tom; "but in many instances it
has arisen from the depravity of the times--to work upon the well-known
benevolent feelings of John Bull; for those who ambulate the public
streets of this overgrown and still increasing Metropolis and its
principal avenues, are continually pestered with impudent impostors, of
both sexes, soliciting charity--men and women, young and old, who get
more by their pretended distresses in one day than many industrious and
painstaking tradesmen or mechanics do in a week. All the miseries,
all the pains of life, with tears that ought to be their honest and
invariable signals, can be and are counterfeited--limbs, which enjoy the
fair proportion of nature, are distorted, to work upon humanity--fits
are feigned and wounds manufactured--rags, and other appearances of the
most squalid and abject poverty, are assumed, as the best engines of
deceit, to procure riches to the idle and debaucheries to the infamous.
Ideal objects of commiseration are undoubtedly to be met with, though
rarely to be found. It requires a being hackneyed in the ways of men, or
having at least some knowledge of the town, to be able to discriminate
the party deserving of benevolence; but

"A begging they will go will go,
And a begging they will go."

The chief cause assigned by some for the innumerable classes of
mendicants that infest our streets, is a sort of innate principle of
independence and love of liberty. However, it must be apparent that they
do not like to work, and to beg they are not ashamed; they are,
with very few exceptions, lazy and impudent. And then what ~280~~ is
collected from the humane but deluded passengers is of course expended
at their festivals in Broad Street, St. Giles's, or some other equally
elegant and appropriate part of the town, to which we shall at an early
period pay a visit. Their impudence is intolerable; for, if refused
a contribution, they frequently follow up the denial with the vilest
execrations.

"To make the wretched blest,
Private charity is best."

"The common beggar spurns at your laws; indeed many of their arts are so
difficult of detection, that they are enabled to escape the vigilance of
the police, and with impunity insult those who do not comply with their
wishes, seeming almost to say,

"While I am a beggar I will rail,
And say there is no sin but to be rich;
And being rich, my virtue then shall be,
To say there is no vice but beggary."

"Begging has become so much a sort of trade, that parents have been
known to give their daughters or sons the begging of certain streets in
the metropolis as marriage portions; and some years ago some scoundrels
were in the practice of visiting the outskirts of the town in sailors'
dresses, pretending to be dumb, and producing written papers stating
that their tongues had been cut out by the Algerines, by which means
they excited compassion, and were enabled to live well."

"No doubt it is a good trade," said Merry well, "and I expected we
should have been made better acquainted with its real advantages by
Capt. Barclay, of walking and sporting celebrity, who, it was said, had
laid a wager of 1000L. that he would walk from London to Edinburgh in
the assumed character of a beggar, pay all his expences of living well
on the road, and save out of his gains fifty pounds."

"True," said Tom, "but according to the best account that can be
obtained, that report is without foundation. The establishment, however,
of the Mendicity Society{1}

1 The frauds and impositions practised upon the public are
so numerous, that volumes might be filled by detailing the
arts that have been and are resorted to by mendicants; and
the records of the Society alluded to would furnish
instances that might almost stagger the belief of the most
credulous. The life of the infamous Vaux exhibits numerous
instances in which he obtained money under genteel
professions, by going about with a petition soliciting the
aid and assistance of the charitable and humane; and
therefore are continually cheats who go from door to door
collecting money for distressed families, or for charitable
purposes. It is, however, a subject so abundant, and
increasing by every day's observation, that we shall for the
present dismiss it, as there will be other opportunities in
the course of the work for going more copiously into it.

281~~ is calculated to discover much on this subject, and has already
brought to light many instances of depravity and deception, well
deserving the serious consideration of the public."

As they approached the end of the Poultry,--"This," said Dashall, "is
the heart of the first commercial city in the known world. On the right
is the Mansion House, the residence of the Lord Mayor for the time
being."

The moon had by this time almost withdrawn her cheering beams, and there
was every appearance, from the gathering clouds, of a shower of rain.

"It is rather a heavy looking building, from what I can see at present,"
replied Tallyho.

"Egad!" said Tom, "the appearance of every thing at this moment is
gloomy, let us cross."

With this, they crossed the road to Debatt's the Pastry Cook's Shop.

"Zounds!" said Tom, casting his eye upon the clock, "it is after ten; I
begin to suspect we must alter our course, and defer a view of the east
to a more favourable opportunity, and particularly as we are likely to
have an accompaniment of water."

"Never mind," said Merrywell, "we can very soon be in very comfortable
quarters; besides, a rattler is always to be had or a comfortable
lodging to be procured with an obliging bed-fellow--don't you begin to
croak before there is any occasion for it--what has time to do with us?"

"Aye aye," said Frank Harry, "don't be after damping us before we
get wet; this is the land of plenty, and there is no fear of being
lost--come along."

"On the opposite side," said Tom, addressing his Cousin, "is the Bank of
England; it is a building of large extent and immense business; you can
now only discern its exterior by the light of the lamps; it is however
a place 282~~ to which we must pay a visit, and take a complete survey
upon some future occasion. In the front is the Royal Exchange, the daily
resort of the Merchants and Traders of the Metropolis, to transact their
various business."

"Come," said Merry well, "I find we are all upon the right scent--Frank
Harry has promised to introduce us to a house of well known resort in
this neighbourhood--we will shelter ourselves under the staple commodity
of the country--for the Woolsack and the Woolpack, I apprehend, are
synonimous."

"Well thought of, indeed," said Dashall; "it is a house where you may
at all times be certain of good accommodation and respectable
society--besides, I have some acquaintance there of long standing, and
may probably meet with them; so have with you, my boys. The Woolpack
in Cornhill," continued he, addressing himself more particularly to
Tallyho, "is a house that has been long established, and deservedly
celebrated for its general accommodations, partaking as it does of the
triple qualifications of tavern, chop-house, and public-house. Below
stairs is a commodious room for smoking parties, and is the constant
resort of foreigners,{1}

1 There is an anecdote related, which strongly induces a
belief that Christian VII. while in London, visited this
house in company with his dissipated companion, Count
Holcke, which, as it led to the dismissal of Holcke, and the
promotion of the afterwards unfortunate Struensee, and is
perhaps not very generally known, we shall give here.

One day while in London, Count Holcke and Christian vir.
went to a well-known public-house not far from the Bank,
which was much frequented by Dutch and Swedish Captains:
Here they listened to the conversation of the company,
which, as might be expected, was full of expressions of
admiration and astonishment at the splendid festivities
daily given in honour of Christian VII. Count Holcke, who
spoke German in its purity, asked an old Captain what he
thought of his King, and if he were not proud of the honours
paid to him by the English?--"I think (said the old man
dryly) that with such counsellors as Count Holcke, if he
escapes destruction it will be a miracle."--' Do you know
Count Holcke, my friend, (said the disguised courtier) as
you speak of him thus familiarly?'--"Only by report (replied
the Dane); but every person in Copenhagen pities the young
Queen, attributing the coolness which the King shewed
towards her, ere he set out on his voyage, to the malicious
advice of Holcke." The confusion of this minion may be
easier conceived than described; whilst the King, giving the
Skipper a handful of ducats, bade him _speak the truth and
shame the devil_. As soon, however, as the King spoke in
Danish, the Skipper knew him, and looking at him with love
and reverence, said in a low, subdued tone of voice--"
Forgive me, Sire, but I cannot forbear my tears to see you
exposed to the temptations of this extensive and wicked
Metropolis, under the pilotage of the most dissolute
nobleman of Denmark." Upon which he retired, bowing
profoundly to his Sovereign, and casting at Count Holcke a
look full of defiance and reproach. Holcke's embarrassment
was considerably increased by this, and he was visibly hurt,
seeing the King in a manner countenanced the rudeness of the
Skipper.

This King, who it should seem determined to see _Real Life
in London_, mingled in all societies, participating in their
gaieties and follies, and by practices alike injurious to
body and soul, abandoned himself to destructive habits,
whose rapid progress within a couple of years left nothing
but a shattered and debilitated hulk afflicted in the
morning of life with all the imbecility of body and mind
incidental to extreme old age.

~283~~ who are particularly partial to the brown stout, which they can
obtain there in higher perfection than in any other house in London.
Brokers and others, whose business calls them to the Royal Exchange, are
also pretty constant visitors, to meet captains and traders--dispose of
different articles of merchandise--engage shipping and bind bargains--it
is a sort of under Exchange, where business and refreshment go hand in
hand with the news of the day, and the clamour of the moment; beside
which, the respectable tradesmen of the neighbourhood meet in an evening
to drive dull care away, and converse on promiscuous subjects; it is
generally a mixed company, but, being intimately connected with our
object of seeing _Real Life in London_, deserves a visit. On the first
floor is a good room for dining, where sometimes eighty persons in a
day are provided with that necessary meal in a genteel style, and at a
moderate price--besides other rooms for private parties. Above these is
perhaps one of the handsomest rooms in London, of its size, capable of
dining from eighty to a hundred persons. But you will now partake of its
accommodations, and mingle with some of its company."

By this time they had passed the Royal Exchange, and Tom was enlarging
upon the new erections lately completed; when all at once,

"Hallo," said Bob, "what is become of our party?" "All right," replied
his Cousin; "they have given us the slip without slipping from us--I
know their movements to a moment, we shall very soon be with them--this
way--this way," said he, drawing Bob into the narrow passage which leads
to the back of St. Peter's Church, Cornhill--"this is the track we must
follow."

Tallyho followed in silence till they entered the house, and were
greeted by the Landlord at the bar with a bow of welcome; passing
quickly to the right, they were saluted with immoderate volumes of
smoke, conveying to their olfactory nerves the refreshing fumes of
tobacco, and almost taking from them the power of sight, except to
observe a bright flame burning in the middle of the room. Tom darted
forward, and knowing his way well, was quickly seated by the side of
Merrywell, Mortimer, and Harry; while Tallyho was seen by those who were
invisible to him', groping his way in the same direction, amidst the
laughter of the company, occasionally interlarded with scraps which
caught his ear from a gentleman who was at the moment reading some of
the comments from the columns of the Courier, in which he made frequent
pauses and observations.

~284~~ "Why, you can't see yourself for smoke," said one; "D------n it
how hard you tread," said another. And then a line from the Reader came
as follows--"The worthy Alderman fought his battles o'er again--Ha, ha,
ha--Who comes here 1 upon my word, Sir, I thought you had lost your way,
and tumbled into the Woolpack instead of the Skin-market.--' It is a
friend of mine, Sir.'--That's a good joke, upon my soul; not arrived
yet, why St. Martin's bells have been ringing all day; perhaps he is
only half-seas over--Don't tell me, I know better than that--D------n
that paper, it ought to be burnt by--The fish are all poison'd by the
Gas-light Company--Six weeks imprisonment for stealing two dogs!--Hides
and bark--How's sugars to-day?--Stocks down indeed--Yes, Sir, and bread
up--Presto, be gone--What d'ye think of that now, eh?--Gammon, nothing
but gammon--On table at four o'clock ready dressed and--Well done, my
boy, that's prime."

These sentences were uttered from different parts of the room in
almost as great a variety of voices as there must have been subjects
of conversation; but as they fell upon the ear of Tallyho without
connection, he almost fancied himself transported to the tower of Babel
amidst the confusion of tongues.

"Beg pardon," said Tallyho, who by this time had gained a seat by his
Cousin, and was gasping like a turtle for air--"I am not used to this
travelling in the dark; but I shall be able to see presently."

"See," said Frank Harry, "who the devil wants to see more than their
friends around them? and here we are _at home to a peg_."