Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"An excellent way of passing an hour," said Bob, "and a proof of the
studied attention which is paid not only to the comforts and convenience
of their customers, but also to their instruction."

"You are right," replied Tom; "in London every man has an opportunity
of living according to his wishes and ~253~~the powers of his pocket;
he may dive, like Roderick Random, into a cellar, and fill his belly for
four pence, or regale himself with the more exquisite delicacies of the
London Tavern at a guinea; while the moderate tradesman can be supplied
at a chop-house for a couple of shillings; and the mechanic by a call at
the shop over the way at the corner of Water Lane,{1} may purchase his
half pound of ham or beef, and retire to a public-house to eat it; where
he obtains his pint of porter, and in turn has an opportunity of reading
the _Morning Advertiser_, the _Times_, or the _Chronicle_. Up this court
is a well-known house, the sign of the Old Cheshire Cheese; it has long
been established as a chop-house, and provides daily for a considerable
number of persons; but similar accommodations are to be found in almost
every street in London. Then again, there are cook-shops of a still
humbler description where a dinner may be procured at a still more
moderate price; so that in this great Metropolis there is accommodation
for all ranks and descriptions of persons, who may be served according
to the delicacy of their appetites and the state of their finances.

"A Chop-house is productive of all the pleasures in life; it is a
combination of the most agreeable and satisfactory amusements: indeed,
those who have never had an opportunity of experiencing the true
happiness therein to be found, have a large portion of delight and
gratification to discover: the heart, the mind and the constitution
are to be mended upon crossing its threshold; and description must
fall short in its efforts to pourtray its enlivening and invigorating
influence; it is, in a word, a little world within itself, absolutely
a universe in miniature, possessing a system peculiar to itself, of
planets and satellites,

1 This allusion was made by the Hon. Tom Dashall to the Shop
of Mr. Cantis, who was formerly in the employ of Mr. Epps,
and whose appearance in opposition to him at Temple Bar a
few years back excited a great deal of public attention, and
had the effect of reducing the prices of their ham and beef.
Mr. Epps generally has from fourteen to twenty Shops, and
sometimes more, situated in different parts of the
Metropolis, and there is scarcely a street in London where
there is not some similar place of accommodation; but Mr.
Epps is the most extensive purveyor for the public appetite.
At these shops, families may be supplied with any quantity,
from an ounce to a pound, of hot boiled beef and ham at
moderate prices; while the poor are regaled with a plate of
cuttings at a penny or twopence each.

and fixed stars and revolutions, and its motions are annual, rotatory
and diurnal, in all its extensive diversity of waiters, cooks,
saucepans, fryingpans, gridirons, salamanders, stoves and smoke-jacks;
so that if you wish to know true and uncloying delight, you are now
acquainted with where it is to be found. Not all the sages of the
ancient or the modern world ever dreamed of a theory half so exquisite,
or calculated to afford man a treat so truly delicious.

"Within the doors of a Chop-house are to be found food for both body
and soul-mortal and mental appetites-feasting for corporeal cravings and
cravings intellectual-nourishment at once for the faculties both of mind
and body: there, in fact, the brain may be invigorated, and the mind fed
with good things; while the palate is satisfied by devouring a mutton
chop, a veal cutlet, or a beef steak; and huge draughts of wisdom may be
imbibed while drinking a bottle of soda or a pint of humble porter.

"In this delightful place of amusement and convenience, there is
provender for philosophers or fools, stoics or epicureans; contemplation
for genius of all denominations; and it embraces every species of
science and of art, (having an especial eye to the important art of
Cookery;) it encompasses all that is worthy of the sublimest faculties
and capacities of the soul; it is the resort of all that is truly good
and glorious on earth, the needy and the noble, the wealthy and the
wise. Its high estimation is universally acknowledged; it has the
suffrage of the whole world, so much so, that at all times and in all
seasons its supremacy is admitted and its influence recognized. The
name, the very name alone, is sufficient to excite all that is
pleasant to our senses (five or seven, how many soever there may be.) A
Chop-house! at that word what delightful prospects are presented to the
mind's eye-what a clashing of knives and forks and plates and pewter
pots, and rushing of footsteps and murmurings of expectant hosts enter
into our delighted ears--what gay scenes of varied beauty, and many
natured viands and viscous soups, tarts, puddings and pies, rise before
our visual nerves-what fragrant perfumes, sweet scented odours,
and grateful gales of delicate dainties stream into our olfactory
perceptions,

". . . Like the sweet south
Upon a bank-a hank of violets, giving
And taking odour."

~255~~Its powers are as vast as wonderful and goodly, and extend over
all animal and animated nature, biped and quadruped, the earth, the air,
and all that therein is. By its high decree, the beast may no longer
bask in the noon tide of its nature, the birds must forsake their pure
ether, and the piscatory dwellers in the vasty deep may spread no more
their finny sails towards their caves of coral. The fruits, the herbs,
and the other upgrowings of the habitable world, and all created things,
by one wave of the mighty wand are brought together into this their
common tomb. It is creative also of the lordliest independence of
spirit. It excites the best passions of the heart--it calls into action
every kind and generous feeling of our nature--it begets fraternal
affection and unanimity and cordiality of soul, and excellent
neighbourhood among men-it will correct antipodes, for its ministerial
effects will produce a Radical advantage-its component parts go down
with the world, and are well digested."

"Your description," said Bob, "has already had the effect of awakening
appetite, and I feel almost as hungry as if I were just returning from a
fox-chace."

"Then," continued the Hon. Tom Dashall, "it is not only admirable as
a whole, its constituent and individual beauties are as provocative of
respect as the mass is of our veneration. From among its innumerable
excellencies--I will mention one which deserves to be held in
recollection and kept in our contemplation-what is more delightful
than a fine beef-steak?-spite of Lexicographers, there is something
of harmony even in its name, it seems to be the key-note of our best
constructed organs, (organs differing from all others, only because they
have no stops,) it circles all that is full, rich and sonorous--I do
not mean in its articulated enunciation, but in its internal
acceptation--there--there we feel all its strength and diapas, or force
and quantity."

"Admirable arrangements, indeed," said Bob. "True," continued
Tom; "and all of them comparatively comfortable, according to their
gradations ana the rank or circumstances of their customers. The Tavern
furnishes wines, &c.; the Pot-house, porter, ale, and liquors suitable
to the high or low. The sturdy Porter, sweating beneath his load,
may here refresh himself with heavy wet;{l} the Dustman, or the
Chimney-sweep, may sluice

1 Heavy wet-A well-known appellation for beer, porter, or
ale.

~256~~Am ivory{1} with the Elixir of Life, now fashionably termed
Daffy's."

"Daffy's," said Tallyho-"that is somewhat new to me, I don't recollect
hearing it before?"

"Daffy's Elixir," replied Dashall, "was a celebrated quack medicine,
formerly sold by a celebrated Doctor of that name, and recommended by
him as a cure for all diseases incident to the human frame. This Gin,
Old Tom, and Blue Ruin, are equally recommended in the present day; in
consequence of which, some of the learned gentlemen of the sporting'
world have given it the title of Daffy's, though this excellent beverage
is known by many other names.

"For instance, the Lady of refined sentiments and delicate nerves, feels
the necessity of a little cordial refreshment, to brighten the one and
enliven the other, and therefore takes it on the sly, under the polite
appellation of white wine. The knowing Kids and dashing Swells are for
a drap of blue ruin, to keep all things in good twig. The Laundress, who
disdains to be termed a dry washer,--dearly loves a dollop {2} of Old
Tom, because, while she is up to her elbows in suds, and surrounded with
steam, she thinks a drap of the old gemman (having no pretensions to
a young one) would comfort and strengthen her inside, and consequently
swallows the inspiring dram. The travelling Gat-gut Scraper, and the
Hurdy-Grinder, think there is music in the sound of max, and can toss
off their kevartern to any tune in good time. The Painter considers it
desirable to produce effect by mingling his dead white with a little
sky blue. The Donkey driver and the Fish-fag are bang-up for a flash
of lightning, to illumine their ideas. The Cyprian, whose marchings and
counter marchings in search of custom are productive of extreme fatigue,
may, in some degree, be said to owe her existence to Jockey; at least
she considers him a dear boy, and deserving her best attentions, so long
as she has any power. The Link-boys, the Mud-larks, and the Watermen,
who hang round public-house doors to feed horses, &c. club up their
brads for a kevartern of Stark-naked in three outs. The Sempstress and
Straw Bonnet-maker are for a yard of White Tape; and

1 Sluice the ivory--Is originally derived from sluicery, and
means washing, or passing over the teeth.

2 Dollop--Is a large or good quantity of any thing: the whole
dollop means the whole quantity.

~256~~the Swell Covies and Out and Outers, find nothing so refreshing
after a night's spree, when the victualling-office is out of order, as
a little Fuller's-earth, or a dose of Daffy's; so that it may fairly
be presumed it is a universal beverage--nay, so much so, that a certain
gentleman of City notoriety, though he has not yet obtained a seat
in St. Stephen's Chapel, with an ingenuity equal to that of the
_Bug-destroyer to the King_,{1} has latterly decorated his house, not a
hundred miles from Cripplegate, with the words Wine and Brandy Merchant
to her Majesty, in large letters, from which circumstance his depository
of the refreshing and invigorating articles of life has obtained the
appellation of the Queen's Gin Shop."

Bob laughed heartily at his Cousin's interpretation of Daffy's.

While Tom humm'd, in an under tone, the fag end of a song, by way of
conclusion--

"Why, there's old Mother Jones, of St. Thomas's Street,
If a jovial companion she chances to meet,
Away to the gin-shop they fly for some max,
And for it they'd pawn the last smock from their backs;

For the juniper berry,
It makes their hearts merry,
With a hey down, down deny,
Geneva's the liquor of life."

By this time they were at the Globe; upon entering which, they were
greeted by Mortimer and Merry well, who had arrived before them; and
dinner being served almost immediately, they were as quickly seated at
the table, to partake of an excellent repast.

1 It is a well-known fact, that a person of the name of
Tiffin announced himself to the world under this very
seductive title, which, doubtless, had the effect of
bringing him considerable custom from the loyal subjects of
his great patron.

LONDON VOL I. Part 2.

CHAPTER XVII

"Here fashion and folly still go hand in hand,
With the Blades of the East, and the Bucks of the Strand;
The Bloods of the Park, and paraders so gay,
Who are lounging in Bond Street the most of the day--
Who are foremost in all that is formed for delight,
At greeking, or wenching, or drinking all night;
For London is circled with unceasing joys:
Then, East, West, North and South, let us hunt them, my boys."

~258~~ THE entrance to the house had attracted Tallyho's admiration as
they proceeded; but the taste and elegance of the Coffee-room, fitted up
with brilliant chandeliers, and presenting amidst a blaze of splendour
every comfort and accommodation for its visitors, struck him with
surprise; in which however he was not suffered to remain long, for
Merrywell and Mortimer had laid their plans with some degree of depth
and determination to carry into execution the proposed ramble of the
evening, and had ordered a private room for the party; besides which,
they had invited a friend to join them, who was introduced to Tom and
Bob, under the title of Frank Harry. Frank Harry was a humorous sort of
fellow, who could tell a tough story, sing a merry song, and was up to
snuff, though he frequently got snuffy, singing,

"The bottle's the Sun of our table,

His beams are rosy wine:
We, planets never are able

Without his beams to shine.
Let mirth and glee abound,

You'll soon grow bright

With borrow'd light,
And shine as he goes round."

He was also a bit of a dabbler at Poetry, a writer of Songs, Epigrams,
Epitaphs, &c.; and having been a long resident in the East, was thought
to be a very useful guide on such an excursion, and proved himself a
very ~259~~ pleasant sort of companion: he had a dawning pleasantry
in his countenance, eradiated by an eye of vivacity, which seemed to
indicate there was nothing which gave him so much gratification as a
mirth-moving jest.

"What spirits were his, what wit and what whim, Now cracking a joke, and
now breaking a limb."

Give him but food for laughter, and he would almost consider himself
furnished with food and raiment. There was however a pedantic manner
with him at times; an affectation of the clerical in his dress, which,
upon the whole, did not appear to be of the newest fashion, or improved
by wearing; yet he would not barter one wakeful jest for a hundred
sleepy sermons, or one laugh for a thousand sighs. If he ever sigh'd at
all, it was because he had been serious where he might have laugh'd;
if he had ever wept, it was because mankind had not laugh'd more and
mourn'd less. He appeared almost to be made up of contrarieties, turning
at times the most serious subjects into ridicule, and moralizing upon
the most ludicrous occurrences of life, never failing to conclude his
observations with some quaint or witty sentiment to excite risibility;
seeming at the same time to say,

"How I love to laugh;
Never was a weeper;
Care's a silly calf,
Joy's my casket keeper."

During dinner time he kept the table in a roar of laughter, by declaring
it was his opinion there was a kind of puppyism in pigs that they
should wear tails--calling a great coat, a spencer folio edition with
tail-pieces--Hercules, a man-midwife in a small way of business, because
he had but twelve labours--assured them he had seen a woman that morning
who had swallowed an almanac, which he explained by adding, that her
features were so carbuncled, that the red lettered days were visible on
her face--that Horace ran away from the battle of Philippi, merely to
prove that he was no lame poet--he described Critics as the door-porters
to the Temple of Fame, whose business was to see that no persons slipped
in with holes in their stockings, or paste buckles for diamond ones, but
was much in doubt whether they always performed their duty honestly--he
called the Sun the _Yellow-hair'd Laddie_ ~260~~ --and the Prince of
Darkness, the _Black Prince_--ask'd what was the difference between a
sigh-heaver and a coal-heaver; but obtaining no answer, I will tell you,
said he--The coal-heaver has a load at his back, which he can carry--but
a sigh-heaver has one at his heart, which he can not carry. He had a
whimsical knack of quoting old proverbs, and instead of saying, the
Cobbler should stick to his last, he conceived it ought to be, the
Cobbler should stick to his wax, because he thought that the more
practicable--What is bred in the bone, said he, will not come out with
the skewer; and justified his alteration by asserting it must be plain
enough to the fat-headed comprehensions of those epicurean persons who
have the magpie-propensity of prying into marrow-bones.

Dashall having remarked, in the course of conversation, that _necessity
has no law_.

He declared he was sorry for it--it was surely a pity, considering
the number of learned Clerks she might give employ to if she had--her
Chancellor (continued he) would have no sinecure of it, I judge: hearing
the petitions of her poor, broken-fortuned and bankrupt, subjects would
take up all his terms, though every term were a year, and every year
a term. Thus he united humour with seriousness, and seriousness with
humour, to the infinite amusement of those around him.

Merrywell, who was well acquainted with, and knew his humour, took
every opportunity of what is called drawing him out, and encouraging
his propensity to punning, a species of wit at which he was particularly
happy, for puns fell as thick from him as leaves from autumn bowers; and
he further entertained them with an account of the intention he had some
short time back of petitioning for the office of pun-purveyor to his
late Majesty; but that before he could write the last line--"And your
petitioner will ever pun" it was bestowed upon a Yeoman of the Guard.
Still, however, said he, I have an idea of opening business as a
pun-wright in general to his Majesty's subjects, for the sale and
diffusion of all that is valuable in that small ware of wit, and
intend to advertise--Puns upon all subjects, wholesale, retail, and for
exportation. N B. 1. An allowance will be made to Captains and Gentlemen
going to the East and West Indies--Hooks, Peakes, Pococks,{1} supplied
on

1 Well-known dramatic authors.

~261~~ moderate terms--worn out sentiments and _clap-traps_ will be
taken in exchange. N B. 2. May be had in a large quantity, in a great
deal box, price five acts of sterling comedy per packet, or in small
quantities, in court-plaster sized boxes, price one melodrama and
an interlude per box. N B. 3. The genuine puns are sealed with a true
Munden grin--all others are counterfeits--Long live Apollo, &c. &c.

The cloth being removed, the wine was introduced, and

"As wine whets the wit, improves its native force,
And gives a pleasant flavour to discourse,"

Frank Harry became more lively at each glass--"Egad!" said he, "my
intention of petitioning to be the king's punster, puts me in mind of a
story."

"Can't you sing it?" enquired Merrywell.

"The pipes want clearing out first," was the reply, "and that is a sign
I can't sing at present; but signal as it may appear, and I see some
telegraphic motions are exchanging, my intention is to shew to you all
the doubtful interpretation of signs in general."

"Let's have it then," said Tom; "but, Mr. Chairman, I remember an old
Song which concludes with this sentiment--

"Tis hell upon earth to be wanting of wine."

"The bottle is out, we must replenish."

The hint was no sooner given, than the defect was remedied; and after
another glass,

"King James VI. on his arrival in London, (said he) was waited on by
a Spanish Ambassador, a man of some erudition, but who had strangely
incorporated with his learning, a whimsical notion, that every country
ought to have a school, in which a certain order of men should be taught
to interpret signs; and that the most expert in this department ought
to be dignified with the title of Professor of Signs. If this plan were
adopted, he contended, that most of the difficulties arising from the
ambiguity of language, and the imperfect acquaintance which people of
one nation had with the tongue of another, would be done away. Signs, he
argued, arose from the dictates of nature; and, as they were the same
in every country, there could be no danger of their being misunderstood.
Full of this project, the Ambassador was ~262~~ lamenting one day before
the King, that the nations of Europe were wholly destitute of this grand
desideratum; and he strongly recommended the establishment of a college
founded upon the simple principles he had suggested. The king, either
to humour this Quixotic foible, or to gratify his own ambition at the
expense of truth, observed, in reply, 'Why, Sir, I have a Professor
of Signs in one of the northernmost colleges in my dominions; but
the distance is, perhaps, six hundred miles, so that it will be
impracticable for you to have an interview with him.' Pleased with this
unexpected information, the Ambassador exclaimed--'If it had been six
hundred leagues, I would go to see him; and I am determined to set out
in the course of three or four days.' The King, who now perceived that
he had committed himself, endeavoured to divert him from his purpose;
but, finding this impossible, he immediately caused letters to be
written to the college, stating the case as it really stood, and desired
the Professors to get rid of the Ambassador in the best manner they were
able, without exposing their Sovereign. Disconcerted at this strange and
unexpected message, the Professors scarcely knew how to proceed. They,
however, at length, thought to put off their august visitant, by saying,
that the Professor of Signs was not at home, and that his return
would be very uncertain. Having thus fabricated the story, they made
preparations to receive the illustrious stranger, who, keeping his word,
in due time reached their abode. On his arrival, being introduced with
becoming solemnity, he began to enquire, who among them had the honour
of being Professor of Signs? He was told in reply, that neither of
them had that exalted honour; but the learned gentleman, after whom
he enquired, was gone into the Highlands, that they conceived his stay
would be considerable; but that no one among them could even conjecture
the period of his return. 'I will wait his coming,' replied the
Ambassador, 'if it be twelve months.'

"Finding him thus determined, and fearing, from the journey he had
already undertaken that he might be as good as his word, the learned
Professors had recourse to another stratagem. To this they found
themselves driven, by the apprehension that they must entertain him as
long as he chose to tarry; and in case he should unfortunately weary out
their patience, the whole affair must terminate ~263~~ in a discovery of
the fraud. They knew a Butcher, who had been in the habit of serving the
colleges occasionally with meat. This man, they thought, with a little
instruction might serve their purpose; he was, however, blind with one
eye, but he had much drollery and impudence about him, and very well
knew how to conduct any farce to which his abilities were competent.

"On sending for Geordy, (for that was the butcher's name) they
communicated to him the tale, and instructing him in the part he was to
act, he readily undertook to become Professor of Signs, especially as he
was not to speak one word in the Ambassador's presence, on any pretence
whatever. Having made these arrangements, it was formally announced to
the Ambassador, that the Professor would be in town in the course of
a few days, when he might expect a silent interview. Pleased with
this information, the learned foreigner thought that he would put his
abilities at once to the test, by introducing into his dumb language
some subject that should be at once difficult, interesting, and
important. When the day of interview arrived, Geordy was cleaned up,
decorated with a large bushy wig, and covered over with a singular gown,
in every respect becoming his station. He was then seated in a chair
of state, in one of their large rooms, while the Ambassador and the
trembling Professors waited in an adjoining apartment.

"It was at length announced, that the learned Professor of Signs was
ready to receive his Excellency, who, on entering the room, was struck
with astonishment at his venerable and dignified appearance. As none of
the Professors would presume to enter, to witness the interview, under
a pretence of delicacy, (but, in reality, for fear that their presence
might have some effect upon the risible muscles of Geordy's countenance)
they waited with inconceivable anxiety, the result of this strange
adventure, upon which depended their own credit, that of the King, and,
in some degree, the honour of the nation.