Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"Satire has always shone among the rest;
And is the boldest way, if not the best,
To tell men freely of their foulest faults."

Objects well worthy of attention--like comedy--may degenerate, and
become subservient to licentiousness and profligacy; yet the shafts
of ridicule judiciously aimed, like a well-directed artillery, do much
execution. With what becoming severity does the bold Caricature lay
open to public censure the intrigues of subtle Politicians, the
~243~~chicanery of corrupted Courts, and the flattery of cringing
Parasites! Hence satirical books and prints, under temperate
regulations, check the dissoluteness of the great. Hogarth's Harlot's
and Rake's Progress have contributed to reform the different classes of
society--nay, it has even been doubted by some, whether the Sermons of
a Tillotson ever dissuaded so efficaciously from lust, cruelty, and
intemperance, as the Prints of an Hogarth. Indeed it may with truth
be observed, that the art of Painting is one of those innocent and
delightful means of pleasure which Providence has kindly offered to
brighten the prospects of life: under due restriction, and with proper
direction, it may be rendered something more than an elegant mode of
pleasing the eye and the imagination; it may become a very powerful
auxiliary to virtue."

"I like your remarks very well," said Bob; "but there is no such
thing as paying proper attention to them at present; besides, you are
moralizing again."

"True," said Tom, "the subjects involuntarily lead me to moral
conclusions--there is a fine picture--Nature blowing Bubbles for her
Children, from the pencil of Hilton; in which is united the simplicity
of art with allegory, the seriousness of moral instruction and satire
with the charms of female and infantine beauty; the graces of form,
action, colour and beauty of parts, with those of collective groups; and
the propriety and beauty of----"

He was proceeding in this strain, when, turning suddenly as he supposed
to Tallyho, he was not a little surprised and confused to find, instead
of his Cousin, the beautiful and interesting Miss Mortimer, at his
elbow, listening with close attention to his description.

"Miss Mortimer," continued he--which following immediately in connection
with his last sentence, created a buz of laughter from Sparkle,
Merrywell, and Mortimer, who were in conversation at a short distance,
and considerably increased his confusion.

"Very gallant, indeed," said Miss Mortimer, "and truly edifying. These
studies from nature appear to have peculiar charms for you, but I
apprehend your observations were not meant for my ear."

"I was certainly not aware," continued he, "how much I was honoured;
but perceiving the company you are in, I am not much astonished at
the trick, and undoubtedly ~244~~have a right to feel proud of the
attentions that have been paid to my observations."

By this time the party was increased by the arrival of Col. B----, his
daughter Maria, and Lady Lovelace, who, with Sparkle's opera glass in
her hand, was alternately looking at the paintings, and gazing at the
company. Sparkle, in the mean time, was assiduous in his attentions to
Miss Mortimer, whose lively remarks and elegant person excited general
admiration.

The first greetings of such an unexpected meeting were followed by an
invitation on the part of the Colonel to Tom and Bob to dine with them
at half past six.

Tallyho excused himself upon the score of a previous engagement; and a
wink conveyed to Tom was instantly understood; he politely declined the
honour upon the same ground, evidently perceiving there was more meant
than said; and after a few more turns among the company, and a survey of
the Pictures, during which they lost the company of young Mortimer
and his friend Merry well, (at which the Ladies expressed themselves
disappointed) they, with Sparkle, assisted the females into the
Colonel's carriage, wished them a good morning, and took their way
towards Temple Bar.

"I am at a loss," said Dashall, "to guess what you meant by a prior
engagement; for my part, I confess I had engaged myself with you, and
never felt a greater inclination for a ramble in my life."

"Then," said Bob, "I'll tell you--Merry well and Mortimer had determined
to give the old Colonel and his company the slip; and I have engaged,
provided you have no objection, to dine with them at the Globe in Fleet
Street, at half past four. They are in high glee, ready and ripe for
fun, determined to beat up the eastern quarters of the town."

"An excellent intention," continued Tom, "and exactly agreeable to my
own inclinations--we'll meet them, and my life on't we shall have a
merry evening. It is now four--we will take a walk through the temple,
and then to dinner with what appetite we may--so come along. You have
heard of the Temple, situated close to the Bar, which takes its name.
It is principally occupied by Lawyers, and Law-officers, a useful and
important body of men, whose lives are devoted to the study and
practice of the law of the land, to keep peace and harmony among the
~245~~individuals of society, though there are, unfortunately, too many
pretenders to legal knowledge, who prey upon the ignorant and live by
litigation{1}--such as persons who have

1 In a recent meeting at the Egyptian Hall, a celebrated
Irish Barrister is reported to have said, that 'blasphemy
was the only trade that prospered.' The assertion, like many
others in the same speech, was certainly a bold one, and one
which the gentleman would have found some difficulty in
establishing. If, however, the learned gentleman had
substituted the word law for blasphemy, he would have been
much nearer the truth.

Of all the evils with which this country is afflicted, that
of an excessive passion for law is the greatest. The sum
paid annually in taxes is nothing to that which is spent in
litigation. Go into our courts of justice, and you will
often see sixty or seventy lawyers at a time; follow them
home, and you will find that they are residing in the
fashionable parts of the town, and living in the most
expensive manner. Look at the lists of the two houses of
parliament, and you will find lawyers predominate in the
House of Commons; and, in the upper house, more peers who
owe their origin to the law, than have sprung from the army
and navy united. There is scarcely a street of any
respectability without an attorney, not to mention the
numbers that are congregated in the inns of court. In London
alone, we are told, there are nearly three thousand
certificated attornies, and in the country they are numerous
in proportion.

While on the subject of lawyers, we shall add a few
unconnected anecdotes, which will exhibit the difference
between times past and present.

In the Rolls of Parliament for the year 1445, there is a
petition from two counties in England, stating that the
number of attornies had lately increased from sixteen to
twenty-four, whereby the peace of those counties had been
greatly interrupted by suits. And it was prayed that it
might be ordained, that there should only be six attornies
for the county of Norfolk, the same number for Suffolk, and
two for the city of Norwich.

The profits of the law have also increased in proportion. We
now frequently hear of gentlemen at the bar making ten or
fifteen thousand pounds a year by their practice; and a
solicitor in one single suit, (the trial of Warren Hastings)
is said to have gained no less than thirty-five thousand
pounds! How different three centuries ago, when Roper, in
his life of Sir Thomas More, informs us, that though he was
an advocate of the greatest eminence, and in full business,
yet he did not by his profession make above four hundred
pounds per annum. There is, however, a common tradition on
the other hand, that Sir Edward Coke's gains, at the latter
end of this century, equalled those of a modern attorney
general; and, by Lord Bacon's works, it appears that he made
6000L. per annum whilst in this office. Brownlow's profits,
likewise, one of the prothonotaries during the reign of
Queen Elizabeth, were 6000L. per annum; and he used to close
the profits of the year with a _laus deo_; and when they
happened to be extraordinary,--_maxima laus deo_.

There is no person, we believe, who is acquainted with the
important duties of the Judges, or the laborious nature of
their office, will think that they are too amply
remunerated; and it is not a little remarkable, that when
law and lawyers have increased so prodigiously, the number
of the Judges is still the same. Fortescue, in the
dedication of his work, De Laudibus Legum Anglise, to Prince
Edward, says that the Judges were not accustomed to sit more
than three hours in a day; that is, from eight o'clock in
the morning until eleven; they passed the remainder of the
day in studying the laws, and reading the Holy Scriptures.

Carte supposes, that the great reason for the lawyers
pushing in shoals to become members of Parliament, arose
from their desire to receive the wages then paid them by
their constituents. By an act of the 5th of Henry IV.
lawyers were excluded from Parliament, not from a contempt
of the common law itself, but the professors of it, who, at
this time, being auditors to men of property, received an
annual stipend, _pro connlio impenso et impendendo_, and
were treated as retainers. In Madox's Form. Anglican, there
is a form of a retainer during his life, of John de Thorp,
as counsel to the Earl of Westmoreland; and it appears by
the Household Book of Algernon, fifth Earl of
Northumberland, that, in the beginning of the reign of Henry
the Eighth, there was, in that family, a regular
establishment for two counsellors and their servants.

A proclamation was issued on the 6th of November, in the
twentieth year of the reign of James I. in which the voters
for members of Parliament are directed, "not to choose
curious and wrangling lawyers, who may seek reputation by
stirring needless questions."

A strong prejudice was at this time excited against lawyers.
In Aleyn's Henry VIII. (London, 1638,) we have the following
philippic against them:--

"A prating lawyer, (one of those which cloud
That honour'd science,) did their conduct take;
He talk'd all law, and the tumultuous crowd
Thought it had been all gospel that he spake.
At length, these fools their common error saw,
A lawyer on their side, but not the law."

Pride the drayman used to say, that it would never be well
till the lawyers' gowns, like the Scottish colours, were
hung up in Westminster Hall.

From Chaucer's character of the Temple Manciple, it would
appear that the great preferment which advocates in this
time chiefly aspired to, was to become steward to some great
man: he says,--"

"Of masters he had mo than thryis ten,
That were of law expert and curious,
Of which there were a dozen in that house,
Worthy to ben stuards of house and londe,
Of any lord that is in Englonde."

~246~~been employed as clerks to Pettifoggers, who obtain permission to
sue in their names; and persons who know no more of law than what they
have learned in Abbot's Park,{1} or on board the Fleet,{2} who assume
the title of Law Agents or Accountants, and are admirably fitted for
Agents in the Insolvent Debtor's Court under the Insolvent Act, to make
out Schedules, &c. Being up to all the arts and manouvres practised with
success for the liberation of themselves, they are well calculated to
become tutors of others, though they generally take care to be well paid
for it."

By this time they were entering the Temple. "This," continued Tom,
"is an immense range of buildings, stretching from Fleet-street to
the river, north and south; and from Lombard-street, Whitefriars, to
Essex-street in the Strand, east and west.

"It takes its name from its being founded by the Knights Templars in
England. The Templars were crusaders, who, about the year 1118, formed
themselves into a military body at Jerusalem, and guarded the roads
for the safety of pilgrims. In time the order became very powerful.
The Templars in Fleet-street, in the thirteenth century, frequently
entertained the King, the Pope's nuncio, foreign ambassadors, and other
great personages.

"It is now divided into two societies of students, called the Inner and
Middle Temple, and having the name of Inns of Court.

"These societies consist of Benchers, Barristers, Students, and Members.
The government is vested in the Benchers. In term time they dine in
the hall of the society, which is called keeping commons. To dine a
fortnight in each term, is deemed keeping the term; and twelve of these
terms qualify a student to be called to year of Henry the Sixth, when
Sir Walter Beauchamp, as counsel, supported the claim of precedence of
the Earl of Warwick, against the then Earl Marshal, at the bar of the
House of Lords. Mr. Roger Hunt appeared in the same capacity for the
Earl Marshal, and both advocates, in their exordium, made most humble
protestations, entreating the lord against whom they were retained, not
to take amiss what they should advance on the part of their own client.

Another point on which the lawyers of the present age differ from their
ancestors, is in their prolixity. It was reserved for modern invention
to make a trial for high treason last eight days, or to extend a speech
to nine hours duration.

1 Abbot's Park--The King's Bench.

2 On board the Fleet--The Fleet Prison.

~248~~"These societies have the following officers and servants: a
treasurer, sub-treasurer, steward, chief butler, three under-butlers,
upper and under cook, a pannierman, a gardener, two porters, two
wash-pots, and watchmen.

"The Benchers assume and exercise a power that can scarcely be
reconciled to the reason of the thing. They examine students as to their
proficiency in the knowledge of the law, and call candidates to the bar,
or reject them at pleasure, and without appeal. It is pretty well known
that students in some cases eat their way to the bar; in which there can
be no great harm, because their clients will take the liberty afterwards
of judging how far they have otherwise qualified themselves. But every
man that eats in those societies should be called, or the rejection
should be founded solely on his ignorance of the law, and should be
subject to an appeal to a higher jurisdiction; otherwise the power of
the Benchers may be exercised on private or party motives.

"The expence of going through the course of these Societies is not
great. In the Inner Temple, a student pays on admission, for the fees of
the society, 3L. 6s. 8d. which, with other customary charges, amounts to
4L 2s. A duty is also paid to the King, which is high. Terms may be kept
for about 10s. per week, and, in fact, students may dine at a cheaper
rate here than any where beside. The expences in the principal societies
of like nature are something more.

"Their kitchens, and dinner-rooms, merit the inspection of strangers,
and may be seen on applying to the porter, or cooks, without fee or
introduction. Our time is short now, or we would take a peep; you must
therefore content yourself with my description.

"The Temple is an irregular building. In Fleet-street are two entrances,
one to the Inner, and the other to the Middle Temple. The latter has a
front in the manner of Inigo Jones, of brick, ornamented with four large
stone pilastres, of the Ionic order, with a pediment. It is too narrow,
and being lofty, wants proportion. The passage to which it leads,
although designed for carriages, is narrow, inconvenient, and mean.

"The garden of the Inner Temple is not only a most happy situation, but
is laid out with great taste, and kept ~249~~in perfect order. It
is chiefly covered with green sward,, which is pleasing to the eye,
especially in a city, and is most agreeable to walk on. It lies, as you
perceive, along the river, is of great extent, and has a spacious
gravel walk, or terrace, on the bank of the Thames. It forms a crowded
promenade in summer, and at such times is an interesting spot.

"The Middle Temple has a garden, but much smaller,, and not so
advantageously situated.

"The hall of the Middle Temple is a spacious and elegant room in its
style. Many great feasts have been given in it in old times. It is well
worth a visit.

"The Inner Temple hall is comparatively small, but is a fine room. It is
ornamented with the portraits of several of the Judges. Before this
hall is a broad paved terrace, forming an excellent promenade, when the
gardens are not sufficiently dry.

"There are two good libraries belonging to these societies, open to
students, and to others on application to the librarian, from ten in the
morning till one, and in the afternoon from two till six.

"The Temple church belongs in common to the two societies. The Knights
Templars built their church on this site, which was destroyed, and the
present edifice was erected by the Knights Hospitallers. It is in the
Norman style of architecture, and has three aisles, running east and
west, and two cross aisles. At the western end is a spacious round
tower, the inside of which forms an elegant and singular entrance into
the church, from which it is not separated by close walls, but merely by
arches. The whole edifice within has an uncommon and noble aspect. The
roof of the church is supported by slight pillars of Sussex marble, and
there are three windows at each side, adorned with small pillars of the
same marble. The entire floor is of flags of black and white marble;
the roof of the tower is supported with six pillars, having an upper and
lower range of small arches, except on the eastern side, opening into
the church: The length of the church is eighty-three feet; the breadth
sixty; and the height thirty-four; the height of the inside of the tower
is forty-eight feet, and its diameter on the floor fifty-one.

"In the porch or tower are the tombs of eleven Knights Templars; eight
of them have the figures of ~250~~armed knights on them, three of them
being the tombs of so many Earls of Pembroke. The organ of this church
is one of the finest in the world.

"The Temple church is open for divine service every day, at eleven
o'clock in the morning, and at four in the afternoon. There are four
entrances into the Temple, besides those in Fleet-street; and it is
a thoroughfare during the day, but the gates are shut at night. The
gardens are open to the public in summer. It is a place of much business
and constant traffic, I assure you."

"I perceive it," said Bob, "by the number of persons passing and
repassing, every one apparently animated and impelled by some business
of importance."

"Yes, it is something like a steam-boiler, by which a considerable
portion of the engines of the Law are kept in motion. They can alarm and
allay according to the pockets of their customers, or the sagacity which
they are able to discover in their heads. There are perhaps as many
Quacks in this profession as in any other," continued Tom, as they
regained Fleet-street; when, perceiving it was half past four o'clock by
St. Dunstan's--"But we must now make the best of our way, or we may be
cut out of the good things of this _Globe_."

"What are so many persons collected together here for?" enquired Bob.

"Merely to witness a little of ingenious machinery. Keep your eye on the
two figures in the front of the church with clubs in their hands."

"I do," said Bob; "but there does not appear to me to be any thing very
remarkable about them."

He scarcely uttered the words, when he observed that these figures
struck their clubs upon the bells which hung between them to denote the
time of day.

"These figures," said Tom, "and the circumstance of giving them motion
every fifteen minutes by the movements of the clock, have attracted a
great deal of notice, particularly among persons from the country, and
at almost every quarter of an hour throughout the day they are honoured
with spectators. The church itself is very ancient, and has been
recently beautified. The _Bell thumpers_, whose abilities you have just
had a specimen of, have been standing there ever since the year 1671."

"It is hard service," said Bob, "and they must certainly deserve a
pension from Government more than many of ~251~~the automatons who are
now in the enjoyment of the national bounties."

"You are right enough," said a Translator of Soles,{1} who had overheard
Bob's last remark, with a pair of old shoes under his arm; "and d----n
me if I would give a pair of _crazy crabshells_{2} without _vamp or
whelt for the whole boiling of 'em_{3}-there is not one on 'em worth a
bloody jemmy."{4}

Upon hearing this from the political Cobbler, a disturbed sort of shout
was uttered by the surrounding spectators, who had rather increased than
diminished in number, to hear the observations of the leathern-lung'd
Orator; when Tom, giving his Cousin a significant pinch of the arm,
impelled him forward, and left them to the enjoyment of their humour.

"Political observations are always bad in the street," said Tom; "it is
a subject upon which scarcely any two persons agree distinctly-_Old Wax
and Bristles_ is about _three sheets in the wind_,{5} and no doubt there
are enough to take advantage of any persons stopping at this time of the
day."{6}

"What have we here?" said Bob, who observed a concourse of people
surrounding the end of Fetter Lane.

"Only a couple more of striking figures," replied Tom, "almost as
intelligent as those we have just seen."

1 Translator of Soles--A disciple of St. Crispin, alias a
cobbler, who can botch up old shoes, so as to have the
appearance of being almost new, and who is principally
engaged in his laudable occupation by the second-hand shoe-
sellers of Field Lane, Turn Stile, &c. for the purpose of
turning an honest penny, i.e. to deceive poor purchasers.

2 Crab-shells--A cant term for shoes.

3 Whole boding of 'em--The whole kit of 'em, &c. means the
whole party.

4 Bloody Jemmy--A cant term for a sheep's head.

5 Three sheets in the wind--A cant phrase intending to
explain that a person is more than half drunk.

6 This was a hint well given by Dashall; for, in the present
times, it is scarcely possible to be aware of the numerous
depredations that are committed in the streets of the
Metropolis in open day-light; and it is a well-known fact,
that Fleet Street, being one of the leading thoroughfares,
is at almost all times infested with loose characters of
every description, from the well-dressed Sharpers, who hover
round the entrances to billiard-tables to mark new comers,
and give information to the pals in waiting, somewhere
within call, and who are called Macers-to the wily Duffers
or Buffers, willing to sell extraordinary bargains, and the
_Cly-faker_, or Pickpocket.

~252~~Bob bustled forward, and looking down the lane, perceived two
Watchmen, one on each side the street, bearing poles with black boards
inscribed in white letters, "Beware of bad houses," and a lantern
hanging to each.

"These," said Tom, "are not decoy ducks, but scare crows, at least they
are intended for such; whether their appearance does not operate as much
one way as it does the other, is, I believe, a matter of doubt."

"Beware of bad houses," said Bob--"I don't exactlY see the object."

"No, perhaps not," continued his Cousin; "but I will tell you: this is a
method which the Churchwardens of parishes sometimes take of shaming
the _pa-pa_ or _fie fie_ ladies from their residences, or at least of
discovering their visitors; but I am half inclined to think, that nine
times out of ten the contrary effect is produced; for these men who are
stationed as warnings to avoid, are easily to be blinded by the gay and
gallant youths, who have" an inclination to obtain an admission to
the fair cyprians; besides which, if the first inhabitants are really
induced to quit, the house is quickly occupied by similar game, and
the circumstance of the burning out, as it is termed, serves as a
direction-post to new visitors; so that no real good is eventually
effected-Come, we had better move on--there is nothing more
extraordinary here."

"This is Peele's Coffee House," continued he--"a house celebrated for
its general good accommodations. Here, as well as at the Chapter Coffee
House, in Paternoster Row, all the newspapers are kept filed annually,
and may be referred to by application to the Waiters, at the very
trifling expense of a cup of coffee or a glass of wine. The Monthly
and Quarterly Reviews, and the provincial papers, are also kept for the
accommodation of the customers, and constitute an extensive and valuable
library; it is the frequent resort of Authors and Critics, who meet to
pore over the news of the day, or search the records of past times."