Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"Broad daylight now glar'd upon us--Lavender retired comfortably upon
Madame la Comtesse in the Bench; Sir M. M. was found chanting Cannons
with some Wood nymphs not an hundred and fifty miles off from Leicester
Square; I had the President to carry home on my shoulders, bundled
to bed, and there I lay sick for four and twenty hours, when a little
inspiring Coniac brought ~221~~me to my senses again, and now I am ready
and ripe for another spree. Stap my vitals if there isn't Lavender--my
dear fellow, adieu--remember me to Charley Sparkle when you see him--by,
by." And with this he sprung across the road, leaving Bob and his Cousin
to comment at leisure upon his folly.

They were however soon aroused from their reflections by perceiving a
Groom in livery advancing rapidly towards them, followed by a curricle,
moving at the rate of full nine miles per hour.

"Who have we here?" said Bob.

"A character well known," said Tom; "that is Lady L----, a dashing
female whip of the first order--mark how she manages her tits--take a
peep at her costume and learn while you look."

"More than one steed must Delia's empire feel Who sits triumphant o'er
the flying wheel; And as she guides it through th' admiring throng, With
what an air she smacks the silken thong!"

The Lady had a small round riding-hat, of black beaver, and sat in the
true attitude of a coachman--wrists pliant, elbows square, she handled
her whip in a scientific manner; and had not Tom declared her sex, Bob
would hardly have discovered it from her outward appearance. She was
approaching them at a brisk trot, greeting her numerous acquaintance as
she passed with familiar nods, at each giving her horses an additional
touch, and pursing up her lips to accelerate their speed; indeed, she
was so intent upon the management of her reins, and her eyes so fixed
upon her cattle, that there was no time for more than a sort of sidelong
glance of recognition; and every additional smack of the whip seem'd to
say, "_Here I come--that's your sort_." Her whole manner indeed was
very similar to what may be witnessed in Stage-coachmen, Hackneymen,
and fashionable Ruffians, who appear to think that all merit consists in
copying them when they tip a brother whip the go-by, or almost graze the
wheel of a Johnny-raw, and turn round with a grin of self-approbation,
as much as to say--"_What d'ye think of that now, eh f--there's a touch
for you--lord, what a flat you must be!_"

Bob gazed with wonder and astonishment as she passed.

"How?" said he, "do the ladies of London frequently take the whip?--"

~222~~"--Hand of their husbands as well as their horses," replied
Tom--"often enough, be assured."

"But how, in the name of wonder, do they learn to drive in this style?"

"Easily enough; inclination and determination will accomplish their
objects. Why, among the softer sex, we have female Anatomists--female
Students in Natural History--Sculptors, and Mechanics of all
descriptions--Shoe-makers and Match-makers--and why not Charioteers?"

"Nay, I am not asking why; but as it appears rather out of the common
way, I confess my ignorance has excited my curiosity on a subject which
seems somewhat out of nature."

"I have before told you, Nature has nothing to do with Real Life in
London."

"And yet," continued Bob, "we are told, and I cannot help confessing the
truth of the assertion, with respect to the ladies, that

"----Loveliness
Needs not the foreign aid of ornament,
But is, when unadorned, adorn'd the most,"
This certainly implies a natural or native grace."

"Pshaw," said Dashall, "that was according to the Old school; such
doctrines are completely exploded now-a-days, for Fashion is at variance
with Nature in all her walks; hence, driving is considered one of the
accomplishments necessary to be acquired by the female sex in high life,
by which an estimate of character may be formed: for instance--if a lady
take the reins of her husband, her brother, or a lover, it is strongly
indicative of assuming the mastery; but should she have no courage or
muscular strength, and pays no attention to the art of governing and
guiding her cattle, it is plain that she will become no driver, no whip,
and may daily run the risk of breaking the necks of herself and friends.
If however she should excel in this study, she immediately becomes
masculine and severe, and she punishes, when occasion requires, every
animal within the reach of her lash--acquires an ungraceful attitude and
manner--heats her complexion by over exertion--sacrifices her softness
to accomplish her intentions--runs a risk of having hard hands, and
perhaps a hard heart: at all events she gains unfeminine habits, and
~223~~such as are found very difficult to get rid of, and prides herself
on being the go, the gaze, the gape, the stare of all who see her."

"A very admirable, and no doubt equally happy state," quoth Bob, half
interrupting him.

"If she learn the art of driving from the family coachman, it cannot
be doubted but such tuition is more than likely to give her additional
grace, and to teach her all that is polite; and then the pleasure of
such company whilst superintending her studies, must tend to improve her
mind; the freedom of these teachers of coachmanship, and the language
peculiar to themselves, at first perhaps not altogether agreeable, is
gradually worn away by the pride of becoming an accomplished whip--to
know how to _turn a corner in style--tickle Snarler in the ear--cut up
the yelper--take out a fly's eye in bang-up twig_."

"Excellent! indeed," cried Bob, charmed with Dashall's irony, and
willing to provoke it farther; "and pray, when this art of driving
is thoroughly learned, what does it tend to but a waste of time, a
masculine enjoyment, and a loss of feminine character--of that sweet,
soft and overpowering submission to and reliance on the other sex,
which, whilst it demands our protection and assistance, arouses our
dearest sympathies--our best interests--attaches, enraptures, and
subdues us?"

"Nonsense," continued Tom, "you might ask such questions for a
month--who cares about these submissions and reliances--protections and
sympathies--they are not known, at least it is very unfashionable to
acknowledge their existence. Why I have known ladies so infatuated and
affected by an inordinate love of charioteering, that it has completely
altered them, not only as to dress, but manners and feeling, till
at length they have become more at home in the stable than the
drawing-room; and some, that are so different when dressed for dinner,
that the driving habiliments appear like complete masquerade disguises.
Indeed, any thing that is natural is considered quite out of nature; and
this affectation is not wholly confined to the higher circles, for in
the City even the men and the women seem to have changed places.

"Man-milliners and mantua-makers swarm
With clumsy hands to deck the female form--
With brawny limbs to fit fine ladies' shapes,
Or measure out their ribbons, lace and tapes;
Or their rude eye the bosom's swell surveys,
To cut out corsets or to stitch their stays;
Or making essences and soft perfume,
Or paint, to give the pallid cheek fresh bloom;
Or with hot irons, combs, and frizzling skill,
On ladies' heads their daily task fulfil;
Or, deeply versed in culinary arts,
Are kneading pasty, making pies and tarts;
Or, clad in motley coat, the footman neat
Is dangling after Miss with shuffling feet,
Bearing in state to church her book of pray'r,
Or the light pocket she disdains to wear;{1}
Or in a parlour snug, 'the powdered lout
The tea and bread and butter hands about.
Where are the women, whose less nervous hands
Might fit these lighter tasks, which pride demands?
Some feel the scorn that poverty attends,
Or pine in meek dependance on their friends;
Some patient ply the needle day by day,
Poor half-paid seamsters, wasting life away;
Some drudge in menial, dirty, ceaseless toil,
Bear market loads, or grovelling weed the soil;
Some walk abroad, a nuisance where they go,
And snatch from infamy the bread of woe."

"It is a strange sort of infatuation, this fashion," said Bob, "and it
is much to be regretted it should operate so much to the injury of the
fair--"

"Do you see that young man on the opposite side of the way,"inquired
Dashall,(stopping him short) "in nankin breeches and jockey-boots?"

"I do," replied Tallyho; "and pray who is he?"

"The son of a wealthy Baronet who, with an eye to the main chance in
early life, engaged in some mercantile speculations, which proving
productive concerns, have elevated him to his present dignity, beyond
which it is said he cannot go on account of his having once kept a shop.
This son is one of what may be termed the _Ciphers of society_, a sort
of useful article, like an 0 in arithmetic, to denominate numbers;
one of those characters, if character it may be termed, of which this
Metropolis and its vicinity would furnish us with regiments. Indeed, the

1 It is related that a young lady of _haut ton_ in Paris was observed
to have a tall fellow always following her wherever she went. Her
grandmother one day asked her what occasion there was for that man to be
always following her; to which she replied--"I must blow my nose, must
not I, when I want?" This great genius was actually employed to carry
her pocket-handkerchief. ~225~~general run of Fashionables are little
better than Ciphers,--very necessary at times in the House of Commons,
to suit the purposes and forward the intentions of the Ministers,
by which they obtain _titles_ to which they are not _entitled,_ and
transmit to posterity a race of ennobled boobies. What company, what
society does not abound with Ciphers, and oftentimes in such plenty that
they are even serviceable to make the society considerable? What could
we do to express on paper five hundred without the two ciphers, or being
compelled to write eleven letters to explain what is equally well done
in three figures? These Ciphers are useful at general meetings upon
public questions, though, if they were all collected together in point
of intellectual value, they would amount to nought. They are equally
important as counters at a card-table, they tell for more than they are
worth. Among the City Companies there are many of them to be found: and
the Army is not deficient, though great care is generally taken to send
the most conspicuous Ciphers on foreign service. Public offices under
Government swarm with them; and how many round O's or ciphers may be
found among the gentlemen of the long robe, who, as Hudibras observes,

"----never ope
Their mouths, but out there flies a trope."

In the twelve Judges it must be allowed there is no cipher, because they
have two figures to support them; but take these two figures away, and
the whole wit of mankind may be defied to patch up or recruit the number
without having recourse to the race of Ciphers.

"I have known a Cipher make a profound Statesman and a Secretary--nay,
an Ambassador; but then it must be confess'd it has been by the timely
and prudent application of proper supporters; and it is certain, that
Ciphers have more than once shewn themselves significant in high posts
and stations, and in more reigns than one. Bounteous nature indulges
mankind in a boundless variety of characters as well as features, and
has given Ciphers to make up numbers, and very often by such additions
renders the few much more significant and conspicuous. The Church has
its Ciphers--for a mitre looks as well on a round 0 as on any letter in
the alphabet, ~226~~and the expense to the nation is equally the same;
consequently, John Bull has no right to complain.

"See in Pomposo a polite divine,
More gay than grave, not half so sound as fine;
The ladies' parson, proudly skill'd is he,
To 'tend their toilet and pour out their tea;
Foremost to lead the dance, or patient sit
To deal the cards out, or deal out small wit;
Then oh! in public, what a perfect beau,
So powder'd and so trimm'd for pulpit show;
So well equipp'd to tickle ears polite
With pretty little subjects, short and trite.
Well cull'd and garbled from the good old store
Of polish'd sermons often preached before;
With precious scraps from moral Shakespeare brought.
To fill up awkward vacancies of thought,
Or shew how he the orator can play
Whene'er he meets with some good thing to say,
Or prove his taste correct, his memory strong,
Nor let his fifteen minutes seem too long:
His slumbering mind no knotty point pursues,
Save when contending for his tithes or dues."

Thus far, although it must be allowed that ciphers are of use, it is not
every cipher that is truly useful. There are Ciphers of indolence, to
which some mistaken men give the title of men of fine parts--there are
Ciphers of Self-interest, to which others more wrongfully give the name
of Patriots--there are Bacchanalian Ciphers, who will not leave the
bottle to save the nation, but will continue to guzzle till no one
figure in Arithmetic is sufficient to support them--then there are
Ciphers of Venus, who will abandon all state affairs to follow a
Cyprian, even at the risk of injuring a deserving wife--Military
Ciphers, who forsake the pursuit of glory, and distrustful of their own
merit or courage, affirm their distrust by a sedulous attendance at the
levees of men of power. In short, every man, in my humble opinion, is
no other than a Cipher who does not apply his talents to the care of his
morals and the benefit of his country."

"You have been ciphering for some time," said Boh, "and I suppose you
have now finished your sum."

"I confess," continued Tom, "it has been a puzzling one--for, to make
something out of nothing is impossible."

"Not in all cases," said Bob.

"How so?--why you have proved it by your own shewing, that these
nothings are to be made something of."

~227~~"I perceive," replied Tom, "that your acquaintance with Sparkle is
not thrown away upon you; and it argues well, for if you are so ready
a pupil at imbibing his lessons, you will soon become a proficient
in London manners and conversation; but a Cipher is like a _round
robin_,{1} it has neither beginning nor end: its centre is vacancy,
its circle ambiguity, and it stands for nothing, unless in certain
connections."

They were now proceeding gently along Oxford Street, in pursuit of their
way to Soho Square, and met with little worthy of note or remark until
they arrived near the end of Newman Street, where a number of workmen
were digging up the earth for the purpose of making new-drains. The
pathway was railed from the road by scaffolding poles strongly driven
into the ground, and securely tied together to prevent interruption from
the passengers.--Tom was remarking upon the hardihood and utility of
the labourers at the moment when a fountain of water was issuing from
a broken pipe, which arose as high as a two pair of stairs window, a
circumstance which quickly drew a number of spectators around, and,
among the rest, Tom and his Cousin could not resist an inclination to
spend a few minutes in viewing the proceedings.

The Irish _jontlemen_, who made two or three ineffectual attempts to
stop the breach, alternately got soused by the increased violence of
the water, and at every attempt were saluted by the loud laughter of the
surrounding multitude.

To feelings naturally warm and irritable, these vociferations of
amusement and delight at their defeat, served but to exasperate and
enrage; and the Irishmen in strong terms expressed their indignation
at the merriment which their abortive attempts appeared to excite:
at length, one of the _Paddies_ having cut a piece of wood, as he
conceived, sufficient to stop the effusion of water, with some degree
of adroitness thrust his arm into the foaming fluid, and for a moment
appeared to have arrested its progress.

"_Blood-an-owns!_ Murphy," cried he, "scoop away the water, and be
after handing over the mallet this way." In a moment the spades of his
comrades were seen in

1 Round Rubin--A Letter or Billet, so composed as to have
the signatures of many persons in a circle, in order that
the reader may not be able to discover which of the party
signed first or last.

~228~~action to accomplish his instructions, while one, who was not in a
humour to hear the taunts of the crowd, very politely scoop'd the water
with his hands among the spectators, which created a general desire
to avoid his liberal and plentiful besprinklings, and at the same time
considerable confusion among men, women, and children, who, in effecting
their escape, were seen tumbling and rolling over each other in all
directions.

"Be off wid you all, and be d----d to you," said the Hibernian; while
those who were fortunate enough to escape the cooling fluid he was
so indifferently dispensing, laughed heartily at their less favoured
companions.

Bob was for moving onward.

"Hold," said Dash all, "it is two to one but you will see some fun
here."

He had scarcely said the word, when a brawny Porter in a fustian jacket,
with his knot slung across his shoulder, manifested dislike to the
manner in which the Irish _jontleman_ was pursuing his amusement.

"D----n your Irish eyes," said he, "don't throw your water here, or
I'll lend you my _bunch of fives_." {l}

"Be after being off, there," replied Pat; and, without hesitation,
continued his employment.

The Porter was resolute, and upon receiving an additional salute, jumped
over the railings, and re-saluted poor Pat with a _muzzier_,{2} which
drew his claret in a moment. The Irishman endeavoured to rally, while
the crowd cheered the Porter and hooted the Labourer. This was the
signal for hostilities. The man who had plugg'd up the broken pipe let
go his hold, and the fountain was playing away as briskly as ever--all
was confusion, and the neighbourhood in alarm. The workmen, with spades
and pick-axes, gathered round their comrade, and there was reason to
apprehend serious mischief would occur; one of them hit the Porter with
his spade, and several others were prepared to follow his example; while
a second, who seem'd a little more blood-thirsty than the rest, raised
his pickaxe in a menacing attitude; upon perceiving which, Dashall
jump'd over the rail and

1 Bunch of fives--A flash term for the fist, frequently made
use of among the lads of the Fancy, who address each other
some-times in a friendly way, with--Ha, Bill, how goes it?--
tip us your bunch of fives, my boy.

2 Muzzier--A blow on the mouth.

~229~~arrested his arm, or, if the blow had been struck, murder must
have ensued. In the mean time, several other persons, following Tom's
example, had disarmed the remainder. A fellow-labourer, who had been
engaged at a short distance, from the immediate scene of action,
attacked the man who had raised the pickaxe, between whom a pugilistic
encounter took place, the former swearing, 'By Jasus, they were a set
of cowardly rascals, and deserved _quilting_.'{1} The water was flowing
copiously--shovels, pickaxes, barrows, lanterns and other implements
were strewed around them--the crowd increased--Tom left the combatants
(when he conceived no real danger of unfair advantage being taken was to
be apprehended) to enjoy their rolling in the mud; while the Porter,
who had escaped the vengeance of his opponents, was explaining to
those around him, and expostulating with the first aggressor, upon
the impropriety of his conduct. The shouts of the multitude at the
courageous proceedings of the Porter, and the hootings at the shameful
and cowardly manner of defence pursued by the Labourers, roused
the blood of the Irishmen, and one again seized a spade to attack a
Coal-heaver who espoused the cause of the Porter--a disposition was
again manifested to cut down any one who dared to entertain opinions
opposite to their own--immediately a shower of mud and stones was
directed towards him--the spade was taken away, and the Irishmen armed
themselves in a similar way with the largest stones they could find
suitable for throwing. In this state of things, the houses and the
windows in the neighbourhood were threatened with serious damage. The
crowd retreated hallooing, shouting, hissing, and groaning; and in this
part of the affray Bob got himself well bespattered with mud. Tom again
interfered, and after a few minutes, persuaded the multitude to desist,
and the Irishmen to drop their weapons. The Porter made his escape, and
the men resumed their work; but, upon Dashall's return to the

1 Quilting--To quilt a person among the knowing Covies, is
to give another a good thrashing; probably, this originated
in the idea of warming--as a quilt is a warm companion, so a
set-to is equally productive of heat; whether the allusion
holds good with respect to comfort, must be left to the
decision of those who try it on, (which is to make any
attempt or essay where success is doubtful.)

~230~~spot where he had left Tallyho, the latter was not to be found; he
was however quickly relieved from suspense.

"Sir," said a stout man, "the neighbourhood is greatly indebted to
your exertions in suppressing a riot from which much mischief was to be
apprehended--your friend is close at hand, if you will step this way,
you will find him--he is getting his coat brushed at my house, and has
sustained no injury."

"It is a lucky circumstance for him," said Tom: "and I think
myself fortunate upon the same account, for I assure you I was
very apprehensive of some serious mischief resulting from the
disturbance."~231~~

CHAPTER XVI

"Blest be the pencil which from death can save
The semblance of the virtuous, wise and brave,
That youth and emulation still may gaze
On those inspiring forms of ancient days,
And, from the force of bright example bold,
Rival their worth, and be what they behold."

".....I admire,
None more admires the painter's magic skill,
Who shews me that which I shall never see,
Conveys a distant country into mine,
And throws Italian light on British walls."

AS they entered the house, a few doors up Newman Street, Tallyho met
them, having divested himself of the mud which had been thrown upon his
garments by the indiscriminating hand of an enraged multitude; and after
politely thanking the gentleman for his friendly accommodation, they
were about to proceed to the place of their original destination; when
Dashall, perceiving an elegantly dressed lady on the opposite side of
the way, felt, instinctively as it were, for the usual appendage of a
modern fashionable, the quizzing-glass; in the performance of this he
was subjected to a double disappointment, for his rencontre with the
Hibernians had shivered the fragile ornament to atoms in his pocket,
and before he could draw forth the useless fragments, the more important
object of his attention was beyond the power of his visual orbs.

"It might have been worse," said he, as he survey'd the broken bauble:
"it is a loss which can easily be repaired, and if in losing that,
I have prevented more serious mischief, there is at least some
consolation. Apropos, here is the very place for supplying the defect
without loss of time. Dixon," {1} continued he, looking at

1 This gentleman, whose persevering endeavours in his
profession entitle him to the patronage of the public,
without pretending to second sight, or the powers that are
so frequently attributed to the seventh son of a seventh
son, has thrown some new lights upon the world. Although he
does not pretend to make "Helps to Read," his establishment
at No. 93, Newman Street, Oxford Road, of upwards of thirty
years' standing, is deservedly celebrated for glasses suited
to all sights, manufactured upon principles derived from
long study and practical experience. Indeed, if we are to-
place any reliance on his Advertisements, he has brought
them to a state of perfection never before attained, and not
to be surpassed.

~232~~the name over the door--"aye, I remember to have seen his
advertisements in the papers, and have no doubt I may be suited here to
a _shaving_"

Upon saying this, they entered the house, and found the improver of
spectacles and eye-glasses surrounded with the articles of his trade,
who, in a moment, recognized Tom as the chief instrument in quelling the
tumult, and added his acknowledgments to what had already been offered
for his successful exertions, assuring him at the same time, that as he
considered sight to be one of the most invaluable blessings "bestowed
on mankind, he had for many years devoted the whole of his time and
attention to the improvement of glasses--put into his hand a short
treatise on the subject, and on the important assistance which may be
afforded by a judicious selection of spectacles to naturally imperfect
or overstrained eyes. Bob, in the mean time, was amusing himself with
reading bills, pamphlets, and newspapers, which lay upon the counter.