Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"I am by no means satisfied," said Tom, "with this evening's ramble, nor
exactly pleased to find our friend Sparkle is getting so sentimental."

"He is, at least," said Tallyho, "very communicative and instructive--I
should feel less embarrassment at a future visit to one of those
places, though, I can assure you, I should carefully avoid the chance of
becoming a pigeon; but to know these things is certainly useful."

"We must lay our plans better for the future," said Tom--"example is
better than precept; and, as for Sparkle, I strongly suspect he is
studying a part in All for Love, or the World well lost. That kind of
study is too laborious for me, I can't bear to be fettered; or if it be
true that it is what we must all come to, my time is not yet arrived.
Though I confess Miss Mortimer has many attractions not to be overlooked
by an attentive observer; at the same time I perceive this Mr. Merrywell
is equally assiduous to obtain the young lady's favours."

By this time they had arrived at home, where, after partaking of
refreshment, they retired to rest.~210~~

CHAPTER XV

"Cataracts of declamation thunder here,
There, forests of no meaning spread the page,
In which all comprehension wanders, lost,
While fields of pleasantry amuse us there
With many descants on a nation's woes.
The rest appears a wilderness of strange,
But gay confusion--roses for the cheeks,
And lilies for the brows of faded age;
Teeth for the toothless, ringlets for the bald,
Heav'n, earth, and ocean, plunder'd of their sweets;
Nectareous essences, Olympian dews,
Sermons and City feasts, and fav'rite airs,
Ethereal journeys, submarine exploits,
And Katerfelto with his hair on end,
At his own wonders wond'ring for his bread."

"WELL," said Tom, "it must be confessed that a Newspaper is a most
convenient and agreeable companion to the breakfast-table," laying
down the _Times_ as he spoke: "it is a sort of literary hotch-potch,
calculated to afford amusement suited to all tastes, rank-, and degrees;
it contains

"Tales of love and maids mistaken,
Of battles fought, and captives taken."

"Then, I presume," said Bob, "you have been gratified and interested in
the perusal?"

"It is impossible to look down the columns of a newspaper," replied Tom,
"without finding subjects to impart light; and of all the journals
of the present day, the _Times_ appears to me the best in point of
information and conduct; but I spoke of newspapers generally, there
is such a mixture of the _utile et dulce_, that the Merchant and the
Mechanic, the Peer, the Poet, the Prelate, and the Peasant, are all
deeply concerned in its contents. In truth, a newspaper is so true a
mark of the caprice of Englishmen, that it may justly be styled their
coat of ~211~~arms. The Turkish Koran is not near so sacred to a
rigid Mahometan--a parish-dinner to an Overseer--a turtle-feast to an
Alderman, or an election to a Freeholder, as a Gazette or Newspaper to
an Englishman: by it the motions of the world are watched, and in some
degree governed--the arts and sciences protected and promoted--the
virtuous supported and stimulated--the vicious reproved and
corrected--and all informed."

"Consequently," said Bob, "a good Newspaper is really a valuable
article."

"Doubtless," continued Tom; "and John Bull--mistake me not, I don't
mean the paper which bears that title--I mean the population of England,
enjoy a Newspaper, and there are some who could not relish their
breakfasts without one; it is a sort of general sauce to every thing,
and to the _quid nunc_ is indispensable--for if one informs him of a
naval armament, he will not fail to toast the Admirals all round in pint
bumpers to each, wishes them success, gets drunk with excessive loyalty,
and goes with his head full of seventy-fours, sixty-fours, frigates,
transports, fire-ships, &c. In its diversified pages, persons of every
rank, denomination, and pursuit, may be informed--the Philosopher, the
Politician, the Citizen, the Handicraftsman, and the Gossip, are regaled
by the novelty of its contents, the minuteness of its details, and the
refreshing arrivals of transactions which occupy the attention of human
beings at the greatest or nearest distances from us--

"----a messenger of grief
Perhaps to thousands, and of joy to some:
What is it but a map of life,
Its fluctuations and its vast concerns?"

It may with propriety be compared to the planetary system: the light
which it diffuses round the mental hemisphere, operates according as
it is seen, felt, understood, or enjoyed: for instance, the Miser
is gladdened by an account of the rise of the stocks--the Mariner
is rejoiced, at the safety of his vessel after a thunder-storm--the
Manufacturer, to hear of the revival of foreign markets--the Merchant,
that his cargo is safely arrived--the Member, that his election is
secured--the Father, that his son is walling to return home--the
Poet, that ~212~~his production has been favourably received by the
public--the Physician, that a difficult cure is transmitting his fame
to posterity--the Actor, that his talents are duly appreciated--the
Agriculturist, that grain fetches a good price--the upright man, that
his character is defended--the poor man, that beer, meat, bread, and
vegetables, are so within his reach that he can assure himself of being
able to obtain a good Sunday's dinner.

"Tho' they differ in narrie, all alike, just the same, Morning
Chronicle, Times, Advertiser, British Press, Morning Post, of News--what
a host We read every day, and grow wiser; The Examiner, Whig--all alive
to the gig, While each one his favourite chooses; Star, Traveller, and
Sun, to keep up the fun, And tell all the world what the news is."

"Well done," said Bob, "you seem to have them all at your tongue's end,
and their general contents in your head; but, for my part, I am struck
with surprise to know how it is they find interesting matter enough at
all times to fill their columns."

"Nothing more easy," continued Dashall, "especially for a newspaper
whose contents are not sanctioned by authority; in which case they are
so much the more the receptacle of invention--thence--We hear--it is
said--a correspondent remarks--whereas, &c--all which serve to please,
surprise, and inform. We hear, can alter a man's face as the weather
would a barometer--It is said, can distort another like a fit of the
spasm--If, can make some cry--while Suppose, can make others laugh--but
a Whereas operates like an electric shock; and though it often runs the
extremity of the kingdom in unison with the rest, they altogether form
a very agreeable mixture, occasionally interspersed, as opportunity
offers, with long extracts from the last published novel, and an
account of the prevailing fashions. But domestic occurrences form a very
essential part of this folio: thus, a marriage hurts an old maid and
mortifies a young one, while it consoles many a poor dejected husband,
who is secretly pleased to find another fallen into his case--a death,
if of a wife, makes husbands envy the widower, while, perhaps, some one
of the women who censure his alleged want of ~213~~decent sorrow, marry
him within a month after--in fact, every person is put in motion by a
Newspaper.

"Here various news is found, of love and strife;
Of peace and war, health, sickness, death, and life;
Of loss and gain, of famine and of store;
Of storms at sea, and travels on the shore;
Of prodigies and portents seen in air;
Of fires and plagues, and stars with blazing hair;
Of turns of fortune, changes in the state,
The falls of favourites, projects of the great."

"It is a bill of fare, containing all the luxuries as well as
necessaries, of life. Politics, for instance, are the roast beef of the
times; essays, the plum pudding; and poetry the fritters, confections,
custards, and all the _et cotera_ of the table, usually denominated
trifles. Yet the four winds are not liable to more mutability than
the vehicles of these entertainments; for instance, on Monday, it
is whispered--on Tuesday, it is rumoured--on Wednesday, it is
conjectured--on Thursday, it is probable--on Friday, it is positively
asserted--and, on Saturday, it is premature. But notwithstanding this,
some how or other, all are eventually pleased; for, as the affections
of all are divided among wit, anecdote, poetry, prices of stocks, the
arrival of ships, &c. a Newspaper is a repository where every one has
his hobby-horse; without it, coffee-houses, &c. would be depopulated,
and the country squire, the curate, the exciseman, and the barber, and
many others, would lose those golden opportunities of appearing so very
wise as they do.

A Newspaper may also be compared to the Seasons. Its information varies
on the roll of Time, and much of it passes away as a Winter, giving many
a bitter pang of the death of a relative or hopeful lover; it is as a
Spring, for, in the time of war and civil commotion, its luminary, the
editor, like the morning sun, leads Hope forward to milder days and
happier prospects--the smiles of peace; it is the heart's Summer
calendar, giving news of marriages and births for heirs and patrons;
it is the Autumn of joy, giving accounts of plenty, and guarding the
avaricious against the snares of self-love, and offering arguments in
favour of humanity. It is more; a Newspaper is one of the most faithful
lessons that can be represented to our reflections, for, while it is the
interpreter ~214~of the general economy of nature, it is a most kind and
able instructress to improve ourselves.

What are our lives but as the ephemeral appearance of an advertisement?
Our actions but as the actions of a popular contest? Our hopes, fears,
exultations, but as the cross readings of diurnal events? And although
grief is felt at the perusal of accidents, offences, and crimes, which
are necessarily and judiciously given, there is in every good Newspaper
an impartial record, an abstract of the times, a vast fund of useful
knowledge; and, finally, no person has reason, after perusing it, to
rise without being thankful that so useful a medium is offered to his
understanding; at least, this is my opinion."

"And now you have favoured me with this opinion," rejoined Tallyho,
"will you be kind enough to inform me to what fortunate circumstance I
am indebted for it?"

"The question comes very apropos," continued Tom--"for I had nearly
forgotten that circumstance, so that you may perhaps be inclined to
compare my head to a newspaper, constantly varying from subject to
subject; but no matter, a novelty has just struck my eye, which I
think will afford us much gratification: it is the announcement of
an exhibition of engravings by living artists, under the immediate
patronage of his Majesty, recently opened in Soho Square, through the
public spirited exertions of Mr. Cooke, a celebrated engraver--And now
I think of it, Mortimer and his Sister intend visiting Somerset
House--egad! we will make a morning of it in reviewing the Arts--what
say you?"

"With all my heart," returned Bob.

"Be it so, then," said Tom--"So-ho, my boy--perhaps we may meet the
love-sick youth, poor Sparkle; he has certainly received the wound of
the blind urchin--I believe we must pity him--but come, let us prepare,
we will lounge away an hour in walking down Bond Street--peep at the
wags and the wag-tails, and take Soho Square in our way to Somerset
House. I feel myself just in the humour for a bit of gig, and 1 promise
you we will make a night of it."

The preliminaries of their route being thus arranged, in half an hour
they were on their road down Bond Street, marking and remarking upon
circumstances and subjects as they arose.

"Who is that Lady?" said Bob, seeing Tom bow as a dashing carriage passed
them.

"That is a Lady Townley, according to the generally

received term."

"A lady of title, as I suspected," said Bob.

"Yes, yes," replied Tom Dashall, "a distinguished personage, I can
assure you--one of the most dashing demireps of the present day, basking
at this moment in the plenitude of her good fortune. She is however
deserving of a better fate: well educated and brought up, she was early
initiated into the mysteries and miseries of high life. You seem to
wonder at the title I have given her."

"I am astonished again, I confess," replied Bob; "but it appears there
is no end to wonders in London--nor can I guess how you so accurately
know them."

"Along residence in London affords opportunities for

discovery.

"As the French very justly say, that _Il n'y a que le premier pas qui
coute_, and just as, with all the sapience of medicine, there is but
a degree betwixt the Doctor and the Student, so, after the first step,
there is but a degree betwixt the Demirep and the gazetted Cyprian, who
is known by head-mark to every insipid Amateur and Fancier in the town.

"The number of these frail ones is so great, that, if I were to attempt
to go through the shades and gradations, the distinctions and titles,
from the promiscuous Duchess to the interested Marchande de mode, and
from her down to the Wood Nymphs of the English Opera, there would
be such a longo ordine genies, that although it is a very interesting
subject, well worthy of investigation, it would occupy a considerable
portion of time; however, I will give you a slight sketch of some
well known and very topping articles. Mrs. B----m, commonly called
B----g, Mrs. P----n, and Mrs. H----d, of various life. "The modern
Pyrrha, B----g, has a train as long as an eastern monarch, but it is
a train of lovers. The Honourable B---- C----n, that famous gentleman
miller, had the honour at one time (like Cromwell,) of being the
Protector of the Republic. The infamous Greek, bully, informer and
reprobate W----ce, was her accomplice and paramour at another. Lord
V----l boasted her favours at a third period; and she wished to look
upon him in a fatherly ~216~~light; but it would not do. Mr. C. T. S.
the nephew of a great naval character, is supposed to have a greater
or prior claim there; but the piebald harlequin is owned not by "Light
horse, but by heavy."

"Mr. P----y, however, was so struck with the increased

attractions of this Cyprian, that he offered to be her protector during
a confinement which may be alarming to many, but interesting to a few.
This was being doubly diligent, and accordingly as it was two to one in
his favour, no wonder he succeeded in his suit. The difficulties which
Madame laboured under were sufficient to decide her in this youth's
favour; and the preference, upon such an occasion, must have been highly
flattering to him. On the score of difficulties, Cyprians are quite in
fashion; for executions and arrests are very usual in their mansions,
and the last comer has the exquisite felicity of relieving them.

"Although this dashing Lady was the daughter of a bathing woman at
Brighton, she was not enabled to keep her head above water.

"I must not forget Poll P----n, whose select friends have such cause
to be proud of lier election. This Diana is not descended from a member
of the Rump Parliament, nor from a bum bailiff; but was the daughter
of a bumboat woman at Plymouth. She has, however, since that period,
commenced business for herself; and that in such a respectable and
extensive line, that she counts exactly seven thousand customers! all
regularly booked. What a delectable amusement to keep such a register!
_Neanmoins_, or _nean plus_, if you like. It is reported that the noble
Y---- was so delighted with her at the Venetian fete given by Messrs.
W--ll--ms and D--h--r--ty, that he gave the Virgin Unmasked several very
valuable presents, item, a shawl value one hundred guineas, &c. and
was honoured by being put on this Prime Minister of the Court of Love's
list--number Seven thousand and one! What a fortunate man!

"Mrs. H----d is lineally descended, not from William the Conqueror,
but from W----s the coachman. She lived, for a considerable time, in
a mews, and it was thought that it was his love for the _Muses_ which
attached C---- L---- so closely to her. She was seduced at a most
indelicately juvenile age by a Major M----l, who protected her but
a short time, and then deserted her. Then ~217~~she became what the
Cyprians term Lady Townly, till Mr. H----d, a youth with considerable
West India property in expectation, married her.

"On this happy occasion, her hymeneal flame burned with so much warmth
and purity, that she shared it with a linen-draper, and the circumstance
became almost immediately known to the husband! This was a happy
presage of future connubial felicity! The very day before this domestic
exposure, and the happy vigil of Mr. H----d's happier "_jour des
noces_," the darling of the Muses or Mewses, Mr. L---- procured Lady
H----d's private box for her at one of the theatres, whither she and
Mrs. CI----y, the mistress of an officer of that name, repaired in the
carriage of the Mews lover, which has become completely "the Demirep or
Cyprian's Diligence," and these patterns for the fair sex had poured out
such plentiful libations to Bacchus, that her ladyship's box exhibited
the effects of their devotions! What a regale for the Princess of
Madagascar!

"The guardians, or trustees, of Mr. H----d now withheld his property,
and Madame assisted him into the King's Bench, during which time she
kept terms with Mr. L---- at Oxford. On her return, she got acquainted
with a Capt. Cr----ks, whom she contrived soon afterwards to lodge, in
the next room to her husband, in the Bench; but to whom she kindly gave
the preference in her visits.

"Whether C---- L----, W--lk--s the linen-draper, or Capt. C----k,
be the most favoured swain, or swine, I venture not to say; but the
former has devoted his time, his chariot, and his female acquaintances'
boxes in public to her. As a pledge of his love, she helped herself to
a loose picture of great value belonging to him, which very nearly fell
into the hands of John Doe or Richard Roe, on her husband's account,
afterwards. The palm should, however, certainly be given to Mr. L----,
as he courted her classically, moralized to her sentimentally, sung
psalms and prayed with her fervently, and, on all occasions, treated her
like a lady."

"Ha," said a fashionably dressed young man, who approached towards
Dashall, "Ha, my dear fellow, how goes it with you? Haven't seen
you this month; d----d unlucky circumstance--wanted you very much
indeed--glorious sport--_all jolly and bang up_." ~218~~"Glad to hear
it," said Tom,--"sorry you should have experienced any wants on my
account."

"Which way are you going? Come along, I'll tell you of such a
spree--regular, and nothing but--You must know, a few days ago,
sauntering down Bond-street, I overtook Sir G. W. 'Ha! my gay fellow,'
said he, 'I thought you were at Bibury; you're the very man I want. My
brother Jack has lost a rump and dozen to a young one, and we want to
make up a select party, a set of real hardheaded fellows, to share
the feast. I have already recruited Sir M. M., the buck Parson, Lord
Lavender, and Tom Shuffleton. Then there's yourself, I hope, my brother
and I, the young one, and A----'s deputy, the reprobate Curate, whom
we will have to make fun of. We dine at half-past seven, at Long's, and
there will be some sport, I assure you.'

"I accepted the invitation, and met the company before mentioned. A
rump and dozen is always a nominal thing. There was no rump, except
Lavender's, which projects like a female's from the bottom of a
tight-laced pair of stays; and as for the dozen, I believe we drank
nearer three dozen of different expensive wines, which were tasted one
after the other with a quickness of succession, which at last left no
taste, but a taste for more drink, and for all sorts of wickedness.

"This tasting plan is a very successful trick of tavern keepers, which
enables them to carry off half bottles of wine, to swell the reckoning
most amazingly, and so to bewilder people as to the qualities of the
wine, that any thing, provided it be strong and not acid, will go down
at the heel of the evening. It is also a grand manouvre; to intoxicate
a Johnny Raw, and to astonish his weak mind with admiration for the
founder of the feast. Therefore, the old trick of 'I have got some
particularly high-flavoured Burgundy, which Lord Lavender very much
approved t'other day;' and, 'Might I, Sir, ask your opinion of a new
importation of Sillery?' or, 'My Lord, 1 have bought all the Nabob's
East India Madeira,' &c. was successfully practised.

"Through the first course we were stag-hunting, to a man, and killed
the stag just as the second course came on the table. This course was
occupied by a great number of long shots of Sir M. M., and by Lavender
offering to back himself and the buck Parson against any other two
~219~~men in England, as to the number of head of game which they would
bag from sun-rise to sun-set upon the moors. A foot race, and a dispute
as to the odds betted on the second October Meeting, occupied the
third course. The desert was enlivened by a list of ladies of all
descriptions, whose characters were cut up full as ably as the haunch of
venison was carved; and here boasting of success in love was as general
as the custom is base. One man of fashion goes by the name of Kiss and
tell.

"After an hour of hard drinking, as though it had been for a wager, a
number of very manly, nice little innocent and instructive amusements
were resorted to. We had a most excellent maggot race for a hundred; and
then a handycap for a future poney race. We had pitching a guinea into a
decanter, at which the young one lost considerably. We had a raffle
for a gold snuff box, a challenge of fifty against Lord Lavender's
Dusseldorf Pipe, and five hundred betted upon the number of shot to be
put into a Joe Manton Rifle. We played at _te-to-tum_; and the young
one leaped over a handkerchief six feet high for a wager: he performed
extremely well at first, but at last Lavender, who betted against him,
kept plying him so with wine, and daring him to an inch higher and
higher, until at last the young one broke his nose, and lost five
hundred guineas by his boyish diversion.

Now we had a fulminating letter introduced as a hoax upon Shuffleton;
next, devils and broiled bones; then some blasphemous songs from the
Curate, who afterwards fell asleep, and thus furnished an opportunity
for having his face blacked. We then got in a band of itinerant
musicians; put crackers in their pockets; cut off one fellow's tail; and
had a milling match betwixt the baronet in the chair and the stoutest of
them, who, having had spirits of wine poured over his head, refused to
let the candle be put to it!

Peace being restored, a regular supper appeared; and then a regular
set-to at play, where I perceived divers signals thrown out, such as
rubbing of foreheads and chins, taking two pinches of snuff and other
private telegraphic communications, the result of which was, the young
one, just of age, being greeked to a very great amount.

We now sallied forth, like a pack in full cry, with all the loud
expression of mirth and riot, and proceeded to 220~~old 77, which, being
shut up, we swore like troopers, and broke the parlour windows in a
rage. We next cut the traces of a hackney coach, and led the horses into
a mews, ?where we tied them up; coachee being asleep inside the whole
time. We then proceeded to old _Ham-a-dry-ed_, the bacon man's, called
out Fire, and got the old man down to the door in his shirt, when
Lavender ran away with his night-cap, and threw it into the water in
St. James's Square, whilst the Baronet put it in right and left at his
sconce, and told him to hide his d----d ugly masard. This induced him
to come out and call the Watch, during which time the buck Parson got
into his house, and was very snug with the cook wench until the next
evening, when _old fusty mug_ went out upon business.

After giving a view holloa! we ran off, with the Charleys in full cry
after us, when Sir G. W., who had purposely provided himself with a long
cord, gave me one end, and ran to the opposite side of Jermyn Street
with the other in his hand, holding it about two feet from the pavement.
The old Scouts came up in droves, and we had 'em down in a moment, for
every mother's son of the guardians were caught in the trap, and rolled
over each other slap into the kennel. Never was such a prime bit of gig!
They lay stunn'd with the fall--broken lanterns, staves, rattles, Welsh
wigs, night-caps and old hats, were scattered about in abundance, while
grunting, growling, and swearing was heard in all directions. One
old buck got his jaw-bone broken; another staved in two of his crazy
timbers, that is to say, broke a couple of ribs; a third bled from the
nose like a pig; a fourth squinted admirably from a pair of painted
peepers; their numbers however increasing, we divided our forces and
marched in opposite directions; one party sallied along Bond Street,
nailed up a snoosy Charley in his box, and bolted with his lantern: the
others were not so fortunate, for A----'s deputy cushion thumper, the
young one, and the Baronet's brother, got safely lodged in St. James's
Watch-house.