Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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By the look and manner with which this last sentiment was uttered, Tom
plainly discovered there was a something labouring at his heart which
prompted it. "Moralizing!" said he. "Ah, Charley, you are a happy
fellow. I never yet knew one who could so rapidly change '_from grave to
gay, from lively to severe_; and for the benefit of our friends, I can't
help thinking you could further elucidate the very subject you have so
feelingly introduced."

"You are a quiz" said Sparkle; "but there is one thing to be said,
I know you, and have no great objection to your hits now and then,
provided they are not knock down blows."

"But," said Mortimer, "what has this to do with friendship and love? I
thought you were going to give something like a London definition of the
terms."

"Why," said Sparkle, "in London it is equally difficult to get to love
any body very much, or often to meet those that we love. There are such
numbers of acquaintances, such a constant succession of engagements of
one sort or other, such a round of delights, that the town resembles
Vauxhall, where the nearest and dearest friends may walk round and round
all night without once meeting: for instance, at dinner you should see a
person whose manners and conversation are agreeable and pleasing to you;
you may wish in vain to become more intimate, for the chance is, that
you will not meet so as to converse a second time for many months;
for no one can tell when the dice-box of society may turn up the same
numbers again. I do not mean to infer that you may not barely see the
same features again; it is possible that you may catch a glimpse of them
on the opposite side of Pall ~178~~Mall or Bond-street, or see them near
to you at a crowded rout, without a possibility of approaching.

"It is from this cause, that those who live in London are so totally
indifferent to each other; the waves follow so quick, that every vacancy
is immediately filled up, and the want is not perceived. The well-bred
civility of modern times, and the example of some 'very popular people,'
it is true, have introduced a shaking of hands, a pretended warmth, a
dissembled cordiality, into the manners of the cold and warm, alike
the dear friend and the acquaintance of yesterday. Consequently we
continually hear such conversation as the following:--' Ah, how d'ye do?
I'm delighted to see you! How is Mrs. M----?'

'She's very well, thank you.' 'Has she any increase in family?' 'Any
increase! why I've only been married three months. I see you are talking
of my former wife: bless you, she has been dead these three years.'--Or,
'Ah, my dear friend, how d'ye do? You have been out of town some time;
where have you been? In Norfolk?' 'No, I have been two years in India.'"

This description of a friendly salutation appeared to interest and
amuse both Talltho and Mortimer. Tom laughed, shrugg'd up his shoulders,
acknowledged the picture was too true, and Sparkle continued.

"And thus it is, that, ignorant of one another's interests and
occupations, the generality of friendships of London contain nothing
more tender than a visiting card: nor are they much better, indeed they
are much worse, if you renounce the world, and determine to live only
with your relations and nearest connexions; for if you go to see them
at one o'clock, they are not stirring; at two, the room is full of
different acquaintances, who talk over the occurrences of the last
night's ball, and, of course, are paid more attention to than yourself;
at three, they are out shopping; at four, they are in this place dashing
among the Pinks, from which they do not return till seven, then they are
dressing; at eight, they are dining with two dozen friends; at nine and
ten the same; at eleven, they are dressing for the ball; and at twelve,
when you are retiring to rest, they are gone into society for the
evening: so that you are left in solitude; you soon begin again to try
the world--and we will endeavour to discover what it produces.

"The first inconvenience of a London Life is the late ~179~~hour of a
fashionable dinner. To pass the day in fasting, and then sit down to a
great dinner at eight o'clock, is entirely against the first dictates of
common sense and common stomachs. But what is to be done? he who rails
against the fashion of the times will be considered a most unfashionable
dog, and perhaps I have already said more than sufficient to entitle me
to that appellation."

"Don't turn _King's Evidence_ against yourself," said Tom; "for, if you
plead guilty in this happy country, you must be tried by your Peers."

"Nay," said Mortimer, "while fashion and reason appear to be in such
direct opposition to each other, I must confess their merits deserve
to be impartially tried; though I cannot, for one moment, doubt but the
latter must ultimately prevail with the generality, however her dictates
may be disregarded by the votaries of the former."

"You are a good one at a ramble" said Tom, "and not a bad one in a
spree, but I cannot help thinking you are rambling out of your road;
you seem to have lost the thread of your subject, and, having been
disappointed with love and friendship, you are just going to sit down to
dinner."

"Pardon me," replied Sparkle, "I was proceeding naturally, and not
fashionably, to my subject; but I know you are so great an admirer of
the latter, that you care but little about the former."

"Hit for hit," said Tom; "but go on--you are certainly growing old,
Sparkle; at all events, you appear very grave this morning, and if
you continue in this humour long, I shall expect you are about taking
Orders."

"There is a time for all things, but the time for that has not yet
arrived."

"Well, then, proceed without sermonizing."

"I don't like to be interrupted," replied Sparkle; "and there is yet
much to be said on the subject. I find there are many difficulties
to encounter in contending with the fashionable customs. Some learned
persons have endeavoured to support the practice of late dinners by
precedent, and quoted the Roman supper; but it ought to be recollected
that those suppers were at three o'clock in the afternoon, and should be
a subject of contempt, instead of imitation, in Grosvenor Square. Women,
~180~~however, are not quite so irrational as men, in London, for they
generally sit down to a substantial lunch about three or four; if men
would do the same, the meal at eight might be relieved of many of its
weighty dishes, and conversation would be a gainer by it; for it must be
allowed on all hands, that conversation suffers great interruption from
the manner in which fashionable dinners are managed. First, the host and
hostess (or her unfortunate coadjutor) are employed during three parts
of the dinner in doing the work of servants, helping fish, or carving
venison to twenty hungry guests, to the total loss of the host's powers
of amusement, and the entire disfigurement of the fair hostess's face.
Again, much time is lost by the attention every one is obliged to
pay, in order to find out (which, by the way, he cannot do if he is
short-sighted) what dishes are at the extreme end of the table; and if
a guest is desirous of a glass of wine, he must peep through the Apollos
and Cupids of the plateau, in order to find some one to take it with;
otherwise he is compelled to wait till some one asks him, which will
probably happen in succession; so that after having had no wine for
half an hour, he will have to swallow five glasses in five minutes.
Convenience teaches, that the best manner of enjoying society at dinner,
is to leave every thing to the servants that servants can do; so that
no farther trouble may be experienced than to accept the dishes that
are presented, and to drink at your own time the wines which are
handed round. A fashionable dinner, on the contrary, seems to presume
beforehand on the silence, dulness, and insipidity of the guests, and
to have provided little interruptions, like the jerks which the Chaplain
gives to the Archbishop to prevent his going to sleep during a sermon."

"Accurate descriptions, as usual," said Tom, "and highly amusing."

Tallyho and Mortimer were intent upon hearing the remainder of Sparkle's
account, though they occasionally joined in the laugh, and observed that
Sparkle seemed to be in a very sentimental mood. As they continued to
walk on, he resumed--

"Well then, some time after dinner comes the hour for the ball, or rout;
but this is sooner said than done: it often requires as much time to
go from St. James's Square to Cleveland Row, as to go from London to
Hounslow.

~181~~It would require volumes to describe the disappointment which
occurs on arriving in the brilliant mob of a ball-room. Sometimes, as
it has been before said, a friend is seen squeezed like yourself, at
the other end of the room, without a possibility of your communicating,
except by signs; and as the whole arrangement of the society is
regulated by mechanical pressure, you may happen to be pushed
against those to whom you do not wish to speak, whether bores, slight
acquaintances, or determined enemies. Confined by the crowd, stifled by
the heat, dazzled by the light, all powers of intellect are obscured;
wit loses its point, and sagacity its observation; indeed, the limbs
are so crushed, and the tongue so parched, that, except particularly
undressed ladies, all are in the case of the traveller, Mr. Clarke,
when he says, that in the plains of Syria some might blame him for not
making moral reflections on the state of the country; but that he must
own that the heat quite deprived him of all power of thought. Hence it
is, that the conversation you hear around you is generally nothing more
than--"Have you been here long?--Have you been at Mrs. H----'s?--Are
you going to Lady D----'s?"--Hence too,

Madam de Stael said very justly to an Englishman, "Dans vos routes le
corps fait plus de frai que l'esprit." But even if there are persons of
a constitution robust enough to talk, they dare not do so, when twenty
heads are forced into the compass of one square foot; nay, even if, to
your great delight, you see a person to whom you have much to say, and
by fair means or foul, elbows and toes, knees and shoulders, have got
near him, he often dismisses you with shaking you by the hand,
and saying--My dear Mr.---- how do you do? and then continues a
conversation with a person whose ear is three inches nearer. At one
o'clock, however, the crowd diminishes; and if you are not tired by the
five or six hours of playing at company, which you have already had, you
may be very comfortable for the rest of the evening. This however is
the round of fashionable company. But I begin to be tired even of the
description."

"A very luminous and comprehensive view of fashionable society however,"
said Tom, "sketched by a natural hand in glowing colours, though not
exactly in the usual style. I shall not venture to assert whether
the subjects are well chosen, but the figures are well grouped, and
~182~~display considerable ability and lively imagination in the
painter, though a little confused."

"It appears to be a study from nature," said Mortimer.

"At least," continued Sparkle, "it is a study from Real Life, and
delineates the London manners; for although I have been a mingler in
the gaieties and varieties of a London Life, I have always held the
same opinions with respect to the propriety of the manners and customs
adopted, and have endeavoured to read as I ran; and it cannot be
denied, that, in the eye of fashion, nothing can be more amiable than to
deviate, or at least to affect a deviation, from nature, for to speak
or act according to her dictates, would be considered vulgar and
common-place in the last degree; to hear a story and not express an
emotion you do not feel, perfectly rude and unmannerly, and among the
ladies particularly. To move and think as the heart feels inclined,
are offences against politeness that no person can ever in honour or
delicacy forgive."

"Come, come," said Tom, "don't you be so hard on the blessings of Life--

"For who, that knows the thrilling touch
Which Woman's love can give,
Would wish to live for aught so much,
As bid those beauties live?

For what is life, which all so prize,
And all who live approve,
Without the fire of Woman's eyes,
To bid man live and love?"

Sparkle affected to laugh, appeared confused, and look'd down for a few
moments, and they walk'd on in silence.

"I perceive," said Tom, "how the matter stands--well, I shall not be a
tormentor--but remember I expect an introduction to the fair enslaver. I
thought you 'defy'd the mighty conqueror of hearts,' and resolved to be
free."

"Resolutions, as well as promises, are easily made," said Sparkle,
"but not always so easily accomplished or performed--nor are you always
accurate in your conceptions of circumstances; but no matter, your
voyages are always made in search of discoveries, and, in spite of your
resolutions, ~183~~you may perchance be entrapp'd. But no more of this;
I perceive your raillery is directed to me, and I hope you enjoy it."

"Faith," replied Tom, "you know I always enjoy your company, but I don't
recollect to have found you in so prosing a humour before--Pray, which
way are you directing your coursel?"

During the latter part of this conversation, Bob and young Mortimer were
employed in admiring the fine piece of water which presented itself to
their notice in the Serpentine River.

"Merely for a ride," was the reply; "any way you please, to pass away
the time."

"Mighty cavalier, truly," said Tom; "but come, here we are at
Kensington, let us mount, and away."

"Remember, I expect you and Mr. Tallyho to accompany me in the evening
to a family-party. I have already stated my intention, and you are both
expected."

"Upon these terms then, I am your man, and I think I may answer for my
Cousin."

By this time they were at the gate, where, finding the curricle and the
nags all in readiness, Sparkle and Mortimer were soon horsed, and Tom
and Bob seated in the curricle. They proceeded to Richmond, taking
surveys of the scenery on the road, and discoursing on the usual topics
of such a journey, which being foreign to the professed intention of
this work, are omitted. Suffice it to say they returned refreshed from
the excursion, and parted with a promise to meet again at nine o'clock,
in Grosvenor Square.

"Egad!" said Dashall, as they entered the diningroom, "there is
something very mysterious in all this. Sparkle has hitherto been the
life and soul of society: he seems to be deeply smitten with this young
Lady, Miss Mortimer, and promises fairly, by his manner, to prove a
deserter from our standard, and to inlist under the banners of Hymen."

"Not unlikely," replied Tallyho, "if what we are told be true--that it
is what we must all come to."

"Be that as it may, it ought not to interfere with our pursuits, Real
Life in London, though, to be sure, the Ladies, dear creatures, ought
not to be forgotten: they are so nearly and dearly interwoven with our
existence, that, without them, Life would be insupportable."

~184~~After dinner, they prepared for the evening party, and made their
appearance in Grosvenor Squire at the appointed hour. But as this will
introduce new characters to the Reader, we shall defer our account of
them till the next Chapter.

CHAPTER XIV

Ye are stars of the night, ye are gems of the morn,
Ye are dew-drops whose lustre illumines the thorn;
And rayless that night is, that morning unblest,
When no beam in your eye, lights up peace in the breast;
And the sharp thorn of sorrow sinks deep in the heart,
Till the sweet lip of Woman assuages the smart;
'Tis her's o'er the couch of misfortune to bend,
In fondness a lover, in firmness a friend;
And prosperity's hour, be it ever confest,
From Woman receives both refinement and zest;
And adorn'd by the bays, or enwreath'd with the willow,
Her smile is our meed, and her bosom our pillow.

ARRIVED at Grosvenor Square, they found the party consisted of Colonel
B----, his son and daughter, Miss Mortimer, and her brother, Mr.
Sparkle, Mr. Merrywell, and Lady Lovelace. The first salutations of
introduction being over, there was time to observe the company, among
whom, Miss Mortimer appeared to be the principal magnet of attraction.
The old Colonel was proud to see the friends of Mr. Sparkle, and had
previously given a hearty welcome to Mr. Merrywell, as the friend of his
nephew, the young Mortimer. Sparkle now appeared the gayest of the gay,
and had been amusing the company with some of his liveliest descriptions
of character and manners, that are to be witnessed in the metropolis.
While Merrywell, who did not seem to be pleased with the particular
attentions he paid to Miss Mortimer, was in close conversation with her
brother.

Tom could not but acknowledge that it was scarcely possible to see Miss
Mortimer, without feelings of a nature which he had scarcely experienced
before. The elegant neatness of her dress was calculated to display the
beauty of her form, and the vivid flashes of a dark eye were so
many irresistible attacks upon the heart; a sweet voice, and smiling
countenance, appeared to throw a radiance around the room, and
illuminate the visages of the whole ~186~~party, while Lady Lovelace
and Maria B---- served as a contrast to heighten that effect which
they envied and reproved. While tea was preparing, after which it was
proposed to take a rubber at cards, a sort of general conversation took
place: the preparations for the Coronation, the new novels of the day,
and the amusements of the theatre, were canvassed in turn; and speaking
of the writings of Sir Walter Scott, as the presumed author of the
celebrated Scotch novels, Lady Lovelace declared she found it impossible
to procure the last published from the library, notwithstanding her name
has been long on the list, so much was it in request.

Sparkle replied, "That he had purchased the Novel, and would willingly
lend it to the Ladies. As for the Libraries," continued he, "they are
good places of accommodation, but it is impossible to please every one,
either there or any where else; they are however very amusing at times,
and as a proof of it, I strolled the other morning to a Circulating
Library, for the express purpose of lounging away an hour in digesting
the politics and news of the day; but the curious scenes to which I
was witness during this short period, so distracted my attention, that,
despite of the grave subjects on which I was meditating, I could not
resist lending an attentive ear to all that passed around me. There was
something of originality in the countenance of the Master of the Library
which struck me forcibly; and the whimsical answers which he made to his
numerous subscribers, and the yet more whimsical tone in which they
were pronounced, more than once provoked a smile. The first person
who attracted my notice was a fine showy looking woman, dressed in
the extreme of fashion, with a bloom upon her cheek, which might have
emulated that of the rose, with this exception, that it wanted the charm
of nature. Putting a list into the hands of the Bookseller, she
inquired if he had any of the productions the names of which were
there transcribed. Glancing his eye over the paper, he replied (with
an archness which not a little disconcerted her, and which probably
occasioned her abrupt disappearance, "_The Fine Lady_, Madam, is seldom
or ever at home; but _Family Secrets_ we are always ready to let out."
'_Characters of Eminent Men_' growled out a little vulgar consequential
Citizen, whose countenance bore the stamp of that insufferable
dulness that might almost tempt ~187~~one to imagine him incapable of
comprehending the meaning of the words which he pronounced with an air
of so much self-importance; '_Characters of Eminent Men_, 195,' repeated
the Snarler, in the same tone, 'I much fear if we can boast a quarter
of that number, eh! Mr. Margin?' "I fear not, Sir," replied Margin;
"but such as we have are very much at your service." 'Better be in the
service of the nation than in mine, by far,' said the little purse-proud
gentleman, shrugging his shoulders very significantly. "Shall I send
it for you, Sir?" said Margin, without noticing the last remark. 'By no
means, by no means; the volume is not so large, it won't encumber me
much; I believe I shall find it small enough to put in my pocket,'
pursued the little great man, grinning at the shrewdness of his own
observations, and stalking out with as much self-complacency as he had
stalked in. I knew the man well, and could not help laughing at the
lofty airs he assumed, at the manner in which he affected to decry all
his countrymen without mercy, at his unwillingness to acknowledge
any talent amongst them, though he himself was a man of that plodding
description who neither ever had done, nor ever could do any thing to
entitle him to claim distinction of any sort. The young Coxcomb who next
entered, was a direct contrast to the last applicant, both in person and
manner. Approaching with a fashionable contortion, he stretched out his
lady-like hand, and in the most languid and affected tone imaginable,
inquired for The Idler. "That, Sir," said Margin, "is amongst the works
we have unhappily lost, but you will be sure to meet with it at any of
the fashionable libraries in the neighbourhood of Bond Street or St.
James's." The young Fop had just sense enough to perceive that the shaft
was aimed at him, but not enough to relish the joke, or correct the
follies which provoked it, and turned abruptly on his heel. He was met
at the door by a sentimental boarding-school Miss, who came flying into
the shop in defiance of her governess, and inquired, in a very pathetic
tone, for _The Constant Lover_. "That, I am afraid," said Margin, "is
not amongst our collection." 'Dear me,' lisped the young Lady, with an
air of chagrin, 'that's very provoking, I thought that was what every
one had.' "Give me leave to assure you, Ma'am, that you are quite
mistaken. I fancy you will find that it is not to be met with all over
London."

~188~~An old Gentleman of the old school, whose clothes were decidedly
the cut of the last century, and whose stiff and formal manners were
precisely of the same date with his habiliments, next came hobbling
in. Poring through his spectacles over the catalogue which lay upon the
counter, the first thing which caught his eye, was _An Essay upon Old
Maids_. "Tom, Tom," said the complaisant Librarian, calling to a lad at
the other end of the shop, "reach down the Old Maids for the gentleman.
They won't appear to advantage, I'm afraid, a little dusty or damaged,
with having laid so long upon the shelf," he added, with a simper, which
was not lost upon any one present. A melancholy looking man, in whose
countenance meekness and insipidity were alike plainly depicted,
now came forward, inquiring, in an under, and what might almost be
designated an alarmed tone of voice, for _The Impertinent Wife_; a
female, who hung upon his arm, interrupted him by entreating, or rather
insisting in no very gentle tone, 'that he would ask for something
better worth having.' Margin, affecting only to hear the former speaker,
immediately produced the book in question, and observed, with much
naivete, "that the Impertinent Wife was sure to be in the way at all
hours," at the same time not omitting to recommend Discipline as "a
better work." A young man, whom I knew to be one of the greatest fortune
hunters about town, with an air of consummate assurance, put out
his hand for _Disinterested Marriage_. "That's a thing quite out of
date--never thought of now, Sir," said Margin, who knew him as well as
myself; "Allow me to recommend something of more recent date, something
more sought after in the fashionable world, Splendid Misery, Sir,
or--"The young man heard no more: spite of his impudence, he was so
abashed by the reply, that he made a hasty retreat. The last person whom
I thought it worth my while to notice, was a tall, meagre looking man,
whom I recollected to have seen pointed out to me as a wit, and a genius
of the first order. His wit was, however, of that dangerous sort which
caused his company to be rather shunned than courted; and it was very
evident, from his appearance, that he had not had the wit to work
himself into the good graces of those who might have had it in their
power to befriend him. Though he spoke in a very low tone, I soon
found that he was inquiring for _Plain Sense_. On Margin's replying,
~189~~with much nonchalance, that _Plain Sense_ had of late become very
rare, finding himself disappointed in his first application, his next
aim was _Patronage_. "That, Sir, (said the wary bookseller) is so much
sought after, that I really cannot promise it to you at present; but if,
as I conclude, you merely want something to beguile a leisure hour or
two, probably _The Discontented Man_ will answer the purpose very well."