Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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Another of these gentry assumed the character of a poor
cripple, and stationed himself as a beggar, sweeping the
crossing near the habitation of his shy cock, who,
conceiving himself safe after three days voluntary
imprisonment, was seized by the supposed Beggar, who threw
away his broom to secure his man.

Yet, notwithstanding the many artifices to which this
profession is obliged to conform itself, it must be
acknowledged there are many of them who have hearts that
would do honour to more exalted situations; especially when
we reflect, that in general, whatever illiberality or
invective may be cast upon them, they rarely if at all
oppress those who are in their custody, and that they
frequently endeavour to compromise for the Debtor, or at
least recommend the Creditor to accept of those terms which
can be complied with.

* Bleed free--

~167~~or other, with a writ in his pocket. These fellows have some
protean qualities about them, and, as occasion requires, assume all
shapes for the purpose of taking care of their customers; they are
however a sort of necessary evil. The old one in brown is a well-known
dealer, a deep old file, and knows every one around him--he is up to the
sharps, down upon the flats, and not to be done. But in looking round
you may perceive men booted and spurred, who perhaps never crossed
a horse, and some with whips in their hands who deserve it on their
backs--they hum lively airs, whistle and strut about with their
quizzing-glasses in their hands, playing a tattoo upon their boots, and
shewing themselves off with as many airs as if they were real actors
engaged in the farce, that is to say, the buyers and sellers; when in
truth they are nothing but loungers in search of employment, who
may perhaps have to count the trees in the Park for a dinner without
satisfying the cravings of nature, dining as it is termed with Duke
Humphrey--others, perhaps, who have arrived in safety, are almost afraid
to venture into the streets again, lest they should encounter those foes
to liberty, John Doe and Richard Roe."

'If I do, may I be----' The remainder of the sentence was lost, by the
speaker removing in conversation with another, when Tom turn'd round.

"O," said Tom, "I thought I knew who it was--that is one of the greatest
reprobates in conversation that I ever met with."

"And who is he?"

"Why, I'll give you a brief sketch of him," continued Dashall: "It is
said, and I fancy pretty well known, ~168~~that he has retired upon a
small property, how acquired or accumulated I cannot say; but he has
married a Bar-maid of very beautiful features and elegant form: having
been brought up to the bar, she is not unaccustomed to confinement; but
he has made her an absolute prisoner, for he shuts her up as closely as
if she were in a monastery--he never dines at home, and she is left in
complete solitude. He thinks his game all safe, but she has sometimes
escaped the vigilance of her gaoler, and has been seen at places distant
from home.{1}

1 It is related of this gentleman, whose severity and
vigilance were so harshly spoken of, that one day at table,
a dashing young Military Officer, who, while he was
circulating the bottle, was boasting among his dissipated
friends of his dexterity in conducting the wars of Venus,
that he had a short time back met one of the most lovely
creatures he ever saw, in the King's Road; but he had
learned that her husband so strictly confined and watched
her, that there was no possibility of his being admitted to
her at any hour.

"Behave handsome, and I'll put you in possession of a gun
that shall bring the game down in spite of locks, bolts and
bars, or even the vigilance of the eyes of Argus himself."

"How? d----me if I don't stand a ten pound note."

"How! why easy enough; I've a plan that cannot but succeed--
down with the cash, and I'll put you up to the scheme."

No sooner said than done, and he pocketed the ten pound
note.

"Now," said the hoary old sinner, little suspecting that he
was to be the dupe of his own artifice: "You get the husband
invited out to dinner, have him well ply'd with wine by your
friends: You assume the dress of a Postman--give a
thundering rap at her door, which always denotes either the
arrival of some important visitor or official communication;
and when you can see her, flatter, lie, and swear that her
company is necessary to your existence--that life is a
burden without her--tell her, you know her husband is
engaged, and can't come--that he is dining out with some
jolly lads, and can't possibly be home for some hours--fall
at her feet, and say that, having obtained the interview,
you will not leave her. Your friends in the mean time must
be engaged in making him as drunk as a piper. That's the way
to do it, and if you execute it as well as it is plann'd,
the day's your own."

"Bravo, bravo!" echoed from every one present.

It was a high thing--the breach thus made, the horn-work was
soon to be carried, and there could be no doubt of a safe
lodgement in the covert-way.

The gay Militaire met his inamorata shortly afterwards in
Chelsea-fields, and after obtaining from her sundry
particulars of inquiry, as to the name of her husband, &c.
he acquainted her with his plan. The preliminaries were
agreed upon, and it was deter-mined that the maid-servant,
who was stationed as a spy upon her at all times, should be
dispatched to some house in the neighbour-hood to procure
change, while the man of letters was to be let in and
concealed; and upon her return it was to be stated that the
Postman was in a hurry, could not wait, and was to call
again. This done, he was to make his escape by a rope-ladder
from the window as soon as the old one should be heard upon
the stairs, which it of course was presumed would be at a
late hour, when he was drunk.

The train having been thus laid, Old Vigilance dined out,
and expected to meet the Colonel; but being disappointed,
and suspicious at all times, for

"Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,"

The utmost endeavours of the party to make him drunk proved
ineffectual; he was restless and uncomfortable, and he could
not help fancying by the visible efforts to do him up, that
some mischief was brewing, or some hoax was about to be
played off. He had his master-key in his pocket, and retired
early.

His Lady, whose plan had succeeded admirably at home, was
fearful of having the door bolted till after twelve, lest
the servant's suspicions should be aroused. In the mean
time, the son of Mars considered all safe, and entertained
no expectation of the old Gentleman's return till a very
late hour. When lo and behold, to the great surprise and
annoyance of the lovers, he gently opened the street door,
and fearful of awaking his faithful charmer out of her first
slumber, he ascended the stairs unshod. His phosphoric
matches shortly threw a light upon the subject, and he
entered the apartment; when, what was the surprise and
astonishment of the whole party at the discovery of their
situation!

The old Gentleman swore, stormed, and bullied, declaring he
would have satisfaction! that he would commence a civil
suit! The Military Hero told him it would be too civil by
half, and was in fact more than he expected;--reminded him
of the ten pounds he had received as agency for promoting
his amours;--informed him he had performed the character
recommended by him most admirably. The old man was almost
choked with rage; but perceiving he had spread a snare for
himself, was compelled to hear and forbear, while the lover
bolted, wishing him a good night, and singing, "Locks,
bolts, and bars, I defy you," as an admirable lesson in
return for the blustering manner in which he had received
information of the success of his own scheme.

"Mr. C---- on the opposite side is a Money-procurer or lender, a very
accommodating sort of person, who negociates meetings and engagements
between young borrowers, who care not what they pay for money, and old
lenders, who care not who suffers, so they can obtain enormous interest
for their loans. He is a venerable looking man, and is known to most
of the young Bloods who visit here. His father was a German Cook in a
certain kitchen. He set up for a Gentleman at his father's death, and
was taken particular notice of by Lord G----, ~170~~and indeed by all
the turf. He lived a gay and fashionable life, soon run out his fortune,
and is now pensioned by a female whom he formerly supported. He is an
excellent judge of a horse and horse-racing, upon which subjects
his advice is frequently given. He is a very useful person among the
generality of gentry who frequent this place of public resort. At the
same time it ought to be observed, that among the various characters
which infest and injure society, perhaps there are few more practised in
guilt, fraud, and deceit, than the Money-lenders.

"They advertise to procure large sums of money to assist those under
pecuniary embarrassment. They generally reside in obscure situations,
and are to be found by anonymous signatures, such as A. B. I. R. D. V.
&c. They chiefly prey upon young men of property, who have lost their
money at play, horse-racing, betting, &c. or other expensive amusements,
and are obliged to raise more upon any terms until their rents or
incomes become payable: or such as have fortunes in prospect, as being
heirs apparent to estates, but who require assistance in the mean time.

"These men avail themselves of the credit, or the ultimate
responsibility of the giddy and thoughtless young spendthrift in his
eager pursuit of criminal pleasures, and under the influence of those
allurements, which the various places of fashionable resort hold out;
and seldom fail to obtain from them securities and obligations for large
sums; upon the credit of which they are enabled, perhaps at usurious
interest, to borrow money or discount bills, and thus supply their
unfortunate customers upon the most extravagant terms.

"There are others, who having some capital, advance money upon bonds,
title-deeds, and other specialties, or tipon the bond of the parties
having property in reversion. By these and other devices, large sums of
money are most unwarrantably and illegally wrested from the dissipated
and the thoughtless; and misery and distress are perhaps entailed upon
them as long as they live, or they are driven by the prospect of utter
ruin to acts of desperation or the commission of crimes.

"It generally happens upon application to the advertising party, that
he, like Moses in _The School for Scandal_, is not really in possession
of any money himself, but then he knows where and how to procure it from
a very ~171~~unconscionable dog, who may, perhaps, not be satisfied with
the security ottered; yet, if you have Bills at any reasonable date, he
could get them discounted. If you should suffer yourself to be trick'd
out of any Bills, he will contrive, in some way or other, to negotiate
them--not, as he professes, for you, but for himself and his colleagues;
and, very likely, after you have been at the additional expense of
commencing a suit at law against them, they have disappeared, and are
in the King's Bench or the Fleet, waiting there to defraud you of
every hope and expectation, by obtaining their liberty through the
White-washing Act.

"These gentry are for the most part Attorneys or Pettifoggers, or
closely connected with such; and notwithstanding all legal provisions
to preclude them from exacting large sums, either for their agency and
introduction, or for the bonds which they draw, yet they contrive to
bring themselves home, and escape detection, by some such means as the
following:

"They pretend that it is necessary to have a deed drawn up to explain
the uses of the Annuity-bond, which the grantor of the money, who is
some usurious villain, immediately acknowledges and accedes to; for

"The bond that signs the mortgage pays the shot; so that an Act which
is fraught with the best purposes for the protection of the honest, but
unfortunate, is in this manner subjected to the grossest chicanery of
pettifoggers and pretenders, and the vilest evasions of quirking low
villains of the law.

"There is also another species of money-lender, not inaptly termed
the Female Banker. These accommodate Barrow-women and others, who sell
fruit, vegetables, &c. in the public streets, with five shillings a day
(the usual diurnal stock in such cases;) for the use of which for twelve
hours they obtain the moderate premium of sixpence when the money is
returned in the evening, receiving at this rate about seven pounds
ten shillings per year for every five pounds they can so employ. It is
however very difficult to convince the borrowers of the correctness
of this calculation, and of the serious loss to which they subject
themselves by a continuation of the system, since it is evident that
this improvident and dissolute class of people have no other idea
than that of making the day and the way alike long. Their profits
~172~~(often considerably augmented by dealing in base money as well as
the articles which they sell) seldom last over the day; for they never
fail to have a luxurious dinner and a hot supper, with a plentiful
supply of gin and porter: looking in general no farther than to keep the
whole original stock with the sixpence interest, which is paid over
to the female Banker in the evening, and a new loan obtained on the
following morning to go to market, and to be disposed of in the same
way.

"In contemplating this curious system of banking, or money lending
(trifling as it may appear,) it is almost impossible not to be forcibly
struck with the immense profits that are derived from it. It is only
necessary for one of these sharpers to possess a capital of seventy
shillings, or three pounds ten shillings, with fourteen steady and
regular customers, in order to realize an income of one hundred guineas
per year! So true it is, that one half of the world do not know how
the other half live; for there are thousands who cannot have the least
conception of the existence of such facts.

"Here comes a _Buck of the first cut_, one who pretends to know every
thing and every body, but thinks of nobody but himself, and of that self
in reality knows nothing.

Captain P----is acknowledged by all his acquaintance to be one of the
best fellows in the world, and to beat every one at slang, but U----y
and A----se. He is the terror of the Charleys, and of the poor
unfortunate roofless nightly wanderers in the streets. You perceive his
long white hair, and by no means engaging features. Yet he has vanity
enough to think himself handsome, and that he is taken notice of on
that account; when the attractions he presents are really such as excite
wonder and surprise, mingled with disgust; yet he contemplates his
figure in the looking-glass with self satisfaction, and asks the
frail ones, with a tremulous voice, if, so help them----he is not a
good-looking fellow 1 and they, knowing their customer, of course do not
fail to reply in the affirmative.

"He is a well known leg, and is no doubt present on this occasion to
bet upon the ensuing Epsom races; by the bye his losses have been very
considerable in that way. He has also at all times been a dupe to the
sex. It is said that Susan B----, a dashing Cyprian, eased his purse
of a L500 bill, and whilst he was dancing in pursuit of her, she was
dancing to the tune of a Fife; a clear proof she ~173~~had an ear for
music as well as an eye to business. But I believe it was played in a
different Key to what he expected; whether it was a minor Key or not I
cannot exactly say.

"At a ball or assembly he conceives himself quite at home, satisfied
that he is the admiration of the whole of the company present; and were
he to give an account of himself, it would most likely be in substance
nearly as follows:

"When I enter the room, what a whisp'ring is heard; My rivals,
astonish'd, scarce utter a word; "How charming! (cry all; ) how
enchanting a fellow! How neat are those small-clothes, how killingly
yellow. Not for worlds would I honour these plebs with a smile, Tho'
bursting with pride and delight all the while; So I turn to my cronies
(a much honour'd few,); Crying, "S--z--m, how goes it?--Ah, Duchess,
how do? Ton my life, yonder's B--uf, and Br--ke, and A--g--le, S-ff--d,
W--tm--1--d, L--n, and old codger C--ri--le." Now tho', from this style
of address, it appears That these folks I have known for at least fifty
years, The fact is, my friends, that I scarcely know one, A mere "facon
de parler," the way of the ton. What tho' they dislike it, I answer my
ends, Country gentlemen stare, and suppose them my friends.

But my beautiful taste (as indeed you will guess) Is manifest most in my
toilet and dress; My neckcloth of course forms my principal care, For
by that we criterions of elegance swear, And costs me each morning some
hours of flurry, To make it appear to be tied in a hurry. My boot-tops,
those unerring marks of a blade, With Champagne are polish'd, and peach
marmalade; And a violet coat, closely copied from B--ng, With a
cluster of seals, and a large diamond ring; And troisiemes of buckskin,
bewitchingly large, Give the finishing stroke to the "_parfait
ouvrage_."

During this animated description of the gay personage alluded to, Bob
had listened with the most undeviating attention, keeping his eye all
the time on this extravagant piece of elegance and fashion, but could
not help bursting into an immoderate fit of laughter at its conclusion.
In the mean time the crowd of visitors had continued to increase; all
appeared to be bustle and confusion; small parties were seen in groups
communicating together in different places, and every face appeared
to be animated by hopes or fears. Dashall was exchanging familiar
~174~~nods and winks with those whom lie knew; but as their object was
not to buy, they paid but little attention to the sales of the day,
rather contenting themselves with a view of the human cattle by which
they were surrounded, when they were pleasingly surprised to observe
their friend Sparkle enter, booted and spurred.

"Just the thing! (said Sparkle,) I had some suspicion of finding you
here. Are you buyers? Does your Cousin want a horse, an ass, or a
filly?"

Tom smiled; "Always upon the ramble, eh, Sparkle. Why ask such
questions? You know we are well horsed; but I suppose if the truth was
known, you are _prad_ sellers; if so, shew your article, and name your
price."

"Apropos," said Sparkle; "Here is a friend of mine, to whom I must
introduce you, so say no more about articles and prices--I have an
article in view above all price--excuse me." And with this he made his
way among the tribe of Jockeys, Sharpers, and Blacklegs, and in a minute
returned, bringing with him a well-dressed young man, whose manners and
appearance indicated the Gentleman, and whose company was considered by
Tom and his Cousin as a valuable acquisition.

"Mr. Richard Mortimer," said Sparkle, as he introduced his friend--"the
Hon. Mr. Dashall, and Mr. Robert Tallyho."

After the mutual interchanges of politeness which naturally succeeded
this introduction--"Come," said Sparkle, "we are horsed, and our nags
waiting--we are for a ride, which way do you bend your course?"

"A lucky meeting," replied Tom; "for we are upon the same scent; I
expect my curricle at Hyde-Park Corner in ten minutes, and have no
particular line of destination."

"Good," said Sparkle; "then we may hope to have your company; and how
disposed for the evening?"

"Even as chance may direct."

"Good, again--all right--then as you are neither buyers nor sellers,
let us employ the remaining ten minutes in looking around us--there
is nothing to attract here--Epsom Races are all the talk, and all of
business that is doing--come along, let us walk through the Park--let
the horses meet us at Kensington Gate, and then for a twist among the
briers and brambles."

This was readily agreed to: orders were given to the servants, and the
party proceeded towards the Park.~175~~

CHAPTER XIII

What is Bon Ton? Oh d---- me (cries a Buck,
Half drunk, ) ask me, my dear, and you're in luck:
Bon Ton's to swear, break windows, beat the Watch,
Pick up a wench, drink healths, and roar a catch.
Keep it up, keep it up! d---- me, take your swing--
Bon Ton is Life, my boy! Bon Ton's the thing!
"Ah, I loves Life and all the joys it yields--
(Says Madam Fussock. warm from Spitalfields; )
Bon Ton's the space 'twixt Saturday and Monday,
And riding out in one-horse shay o' Sunday;
'Tis drinking tea on summer afternoons
At Bagnigge Wells, with china and gilt spoons;
'Tis laying by our stuffs, red cloaks and pattens,
To dance cowtillions all in silks and satins."
"Vulgar! (cries Miss) observe in higher Life
The feather'd spinster and three feather'd wife;
The Club's Bon Ton--Bon Ton's a constant trade
Of rout, festino, ball and masquerade;
'Tis plays and puppet shows--'tis something new--
'Tis losing thousands every night at loo;
Nature it thwarts, and contradicts all reason;
'Tis stiff French stays, and fruit when out of season,
A rose, when half a guinea is the price;
A set of bays scarce bigger than six mice;
To visit friends you never wish to see--
Marriage 'twixt those who never can agree;
Old dowagers, dress'd, painted, patch'd and curl'd--
This is Bon Ton, and this we call the World!

AS they passed through the gate, Tom observed it was rather too early to
expect much company. "Never mind," said Sparkle, "we are company enough
among ourselves; the morning is fine, the curricle not arrived, and we
shall find plenty of conversation, if we do not discover interesting
character, to diversify our promenade. Travelling spoils conversation,
unless you are squeezed like an Egyptian mummy into a stage or a
mail-coach; and perhaps in that case you may meet with animals who have
voices, without possessing the power of intellect to direct them to any
useful or agreeable purpose."

~176~~Tallyho, who was at all times delighted with Sparkle's
descriptions of society and manners, appeared pleased with the
proposition.

"Your absence from town," continued Sparkle, addressing himself to
Dashall, "has prevented my introduction of Mr. Mortimer before, though
you have heard me mention his Sister. They are now inhabitants of our
own sphere of action, and I trust we shall all become better known to
each other."

This piece of information appeared to be truly acceptable to all
parties. Young Mortimer was a good-looking and well made young man; his
features were animated and intelligent; his manners polished, though
not quite so unrestrained as those which are to be acquired by an
acquaintance with metropolitan associations.

"I am happy," said he, "to be introduced to any friends of your's, and
shall be proud to number them among mine."

"You may," replied Sparkle, "with great safety place them on your list;
though you know I have already made it appear to you that friendship is
a term more generally made use of than understood in London--

"For what is Friendship but a name,
A charm which lulls to sleep,
A shade that follows wealth and fame,
And leaves the wretch to weep?

And Love is still an emptier sound,
The modern fair one's jest;
On earth unseen, or only found
To warm the turtle's nest."

"These sentiments are excellently expressed," said Tom, pinching him by
the arm--"and I suppose in perfect consonance with your own?"

Sparkle felt 'the rebuke, look'd down, and seem'd confused; but in a
moment recovering himself,

"Not exactly so," replied he; "but then you know, and I don't
mind confessing it among friends, though you are aware it is very
unfashionable to acknowledge the existence of any thing of the kind, I
am a pupil of nature."

"You seem to be in a serious humour all at once," said young Mortimer.

~177~~"Can't help it," continued Sparkle--"for,

"Let them all say what they will,
Nature will be nature still."

"And that usurper, or I should rather say, would be usurper, Fashion,
is in no way in alliance with our natures. I remember the old Duchess of
Marlborough used to say 'That to love some persons very much, and to
see often those we love, is the greatest happiness I can enjoy;' but
it appears almost impossible for any person in London to secure such an
enjoyment, and I can't help feeling it."