Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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This description caused a laugh among the Ladybirds, who thought it
vastly amusing, while it was also listened to with great attention by
Tallyho.

The Hon. Tom Dashall in the mean time was in close conversation with his
mott{2} in the corner of the Box, and was getting, as Sparkle observed,
"rather nutty{3} in that quarter of the globe."

The laugh which concluded Sparkle's account of the Tilbury-club man
roused him from his sleep, and also attracted the attention of Tom and
his inamorata.

"D----n my eyes," said the fancy cove, as he rubbed open his
peepers,{4}" am I awake or asleep?--what a h----ll of a light there
is!"

1 Greeking--An epithet generally applied to gambling and
gamblers, among the polished hells of society, principally
to be found in and near St. James's: but of this more
hereafter.

2 Mott--A blowen, or woman of the town. We know not from
whom or whence the word originated, but we recollect some
lines of an old song in which the term is made use of, viz.

"When first I saw this flaming Mutt,
'Twas at the sign of the Pewter Pot;
We call'd for some Purl, and we had it hot,
With Gin and Bitters too."

3 Nutty--Amorous.

4 An elegant and expressive term for the eyes.

~146~~This was followed immediately by the rattling of an engine with
two torches, accompanied by an immense concourse of people following it
at full speed past the window.

"It is well lit, by Jove," said the sleeper awake, "where ever it is;"
and with that he tipp'd the _slavey_{1}1 a tanner,{2} and mizzled.

The noise and confusion outside of the House completely put a stop to
all harmony and comfort within.

"It must be near us," said Tom.

"It is Covent Garden Theatre, in my opinion," said Sparkle.

Bob said nothing, but kept looking about him in a sort

of wild surprise.

"However," said Tom, "wherever it is, we must go and have a peep."

"You are a very gallant fellow, truly," said one of the bewitchers--"I
thought--"

"And so did I," said Tom--"but 'rest the babe--the time it shall
come'--never mind, we won't be disappointed; but here, (said he) as I
belong to the Tip and Toddle Club, I don't mean to disgrace my calling,
by forgetting my duty." And slipping a something into her hand, her note
was immediately changed into,

"Well, I always thought you was a trump, and I likes a man that behaves
like a gentleman."

Something of the same kind was going on between the other two, which
proved completely satisfactory.

"So then, Mr. Author, it seems you have raised a fire to stew the
oysters, and leave your Readers to feast upon the blaze."

"Hold for a moment, and be not so testy, and for your satisfaction I can
solemnly promise, that if the oysters are stewed, you shall have good
and sufficient notice of the moment they are to be on table--But, bless
my heart, how the fire rages!--I can neither spare time nor wind to
parley a moment longer--Tom and Bob have already started off with the
velocity of a race-horse, and if I lose them, I should cut but a poor
figure with my Readers afterward.

"Pray, Sir, can you tell me where the fire is?" 'Really, Sir, I don't
know, but I am told it is somewhere by Whitechapel.'

1 Slaveys--Servants of either sex.

2 Tanner--A flash term for a sixpence.

~147~~"Could you inform me Madam, whereabouts the fire is?"

'Westminster Road, Sir, as I am informed.' "Westminster, and
Whitechapel--some little difference of opinion I find as usual--however,
I have just caught sight of Tom, and he's sure to be on the right scent;
so adieu, Mr. Reader, for the present, and have no doubt but I shall
soon be able to throw further light on the subject."

CHAPTER XI

"Some folks in the streets, by the Lord, made me stare,
So comical, droll, is the dress that they wear,
For the Gentlemen's waists are atop of their backs,
And their large cassock trowsers they tit just like sacks.
Then the Ladies--their dresses are equally queer,
They wear such large bonnets, no face can appear:
It puts me in mind, now don't think I'm a joker,
Of a coal-scuttle stuck on the head of a poker.
In their bonnets they wear of green leaves such a power,
It puts me in mind of a great cauliflower;
And their legs, 1 am sure, must be ready to freeze,
For they wear all their petticoats up to their knees.
They carry large bags full of trinkets and lockets,
'Cause the fashion is now not to wear any pockets;
"While to keep off the flies, and to hide from beholders,
A large cabbage-net is thrown over their shoulders."

~148~~IN a moment all was consternation, confusion, and alarm. The
brilliant light that illuminated the surrounding buildings presented
a scene of dazzling splendour, mingled with sensations of horror
not easily to be described. The rattling of engines, the flashing of
torches, and the shouting of thousands, by whom they were followed and
surrounded, all combined to give lively interest to the circumstance.

It was quickly ascertained that the dreadful conflagration had taken
place at an extensive Timber-yard, within a very short distance of
the Theatres, situated as it were nearly in the centre, between Covent
Garden and Drury Lane. Men, women, and children, were seen running in
all directions; and report, with his ten thousand tongues, here found an
opportunity for the exercise of them all; assertion and denial followed
each other in rapid succession, while the flames continued to increase.
Our party being thus abruptly disturbed in their anticipated enjoyments,
bade adieu to their Doxies,{1}

1 Doxies--A flash term frequently made use of to denominate
ladies of easy virtue.

~149~~and rushed forward to the spot, where they witnessed the devouring
ravages of the yet unquenched element, consuming with resistless force
all that came in its way.

"Button up," said Tom, "and let us keep together, for upon these
occasions,

"The Scamps,{1} the Pads,{2} the Divers,{3} are all upon the lay."{4}

The Flash Molishers,{5} in the vicinity of Drury Lane, were out in
parties, and it was reasonable to suppose, that where there was so much
heat, considerable thirst must also prevail; consequently the Sluiceries
were all in high request, every one of those in the neighbourhood being
able to boast of overflowing Houses, without any imputation upon their
veracity. We say nothing of elegant genteel, or enlightened audiences,
so frequently introduced in the Bills from other houses in the
neighbourhood; even the door-ways were block'd up with the collectors
and imparters of information. Prognostications as to how and where it
began, how it would end, and the property that would be consumed, were
to be met at every corner--Snuffy Tabbies, and Boosy Kids, some giving
way to jocularity, and others indulging in lamentations.

"Hot, hot, hot, all hot," said a Black man, as he pushed in and out
among the crowd; with "Hoot awa', the de'il tak your soul, mon, don't
you think we are all hot eneugh?--gin ye bring more hot here I'll crack
your croon--I've been roasting alive for the last half hoor, an' want to
be ganging, but I can't get out."

"Hot, hot, hot, all hot, Ladies and Gentlemen," said the dingy dealer
in delicacies, and almost as soon disappeared among the crowd, where he
found better opportunities for vending his rarities.

"Lumps of pudding," said Tom, jerking Tallyho by the arm, "what do you
think of a slice? here's accommodation for you--all hot, ready dress'd,
and well done."

"Egad!" said Bob, "I think we shall be well done ourselves presently."

"Keep your hands out of my pockets, you lousy beggar,"

1 Scamps--Highwaymen.

2 Pads--Foot-pads.

3 Divers--Pickpockets.

4 The Lay--Upon the look-out for opportunities for the
exercise of their profession.

5 Flash Molishers--a term given to low Prostitutes.

~150~~said a tall man standing near them, "or b---- me if I don't mill
you."

"You mill me, vhy you don't know how to go about it, Mr. Bully Brag, and
I doesn't care half a farden for you--you go for to say as how I--"

"Take that, then," said the other, and gave him a floorer; but he was
prevented from falling by those around him.

The salute was returned in good earnest, and a random sort of fight
ensued. The accompaniments of this exhibition were the shrieks of the
women, and the shouts of the partisans of each of the Bruisers--the
cries of "Go it, little one--stick to it--tip it him--sarve him
out--ring, ring--give 'em room--foul, foul--fair, fair," &c." At this
moment the Firemen, who had been actively engaged in endeavours to
subdue the devouring flames, obtained a supply of water: the engines
were set to work, and the Foreman directed the pipe so as to throw the
water completely into the mob which had collected round them. This had
the desired effect of putting an end to the squabble, and dispersing
a large portion of the multitude, at least to some distance, so as to
leave good and sufficient room for their operations.

"The Devil take it," cried Sparkle, "I am drench'd."

"Ditto repeated," said Tom.

"Curse the fellow," cried Bob, "I am sopp'd."

"Never mind," continued Tom,

. . . "By fellowship in woe,
Scarce half our pain we know."

"Since we are all in it, there is no laughing allowed."

In a short time, the water flowed through the street in torrents; the
pumping of the engines, and the calls of the Firemen, were all
the noises that could be heard, except now and then the arrival of
additional assistance.

Bob watched minutely the skill and activity of those robust and hardy
men, who were seen in all directions upon the tops of houses, &c. near
the calamitous scene, giving information to those below; and he was
astonished to see the rapidity with which they effected their object.

Having ascertained as far as they could the extent of the damage,
and that no lives were lost, Tom proposed a move, and Sparkle gladly
seconded the motion--"for," said he, "I am so wet, though I cannot
complain of being ~151~~cold, that I think I resemble the fat man who
seemed something like two single gentlemen roll'd into one,' and 'who
after half a year's baking declared he had been so cursed hot, he was
sure he'd caught cold;' so come along."

"Past twelve o'clock," said a Charley, about three parts sprung, and
who appeared to have more light in his head than he could shew from his
lantern.

"Stop thief, stop thief," was vociferated behind them; and the night
music, the rattles, were in immediate use in several quarters--a rush of
the crowd almost knock'd Bob off his pins, and he would certainly have
fell to the ground, but his nob{l} came with so much force against the
bread-basket{2} of the groggy guardian of the night, that he was turn'd
keel upwards,{3} and rolled with his lantern, staff, and rattle, into
the overflowing kennel; a circumstance which perhaps had really no
bad effect, for in all probability it brought the sober senses of the
Charley a little more into action than the juice of the juniper had
previously allowed. He was dragged from his birth, and his coat, which
was of the blanket kind, brought with it a plentiful supply of the
moistening fluid, being literally sous'd from head to foot.

Bob fished for the _darkey_{4}--the _musical instrument_{5}--and the
post of honour, alias the _supporter of peace_;{6} but he was not yet
complete, for he had dropped his _canister-cap_,{7} which was at length
found by a flash molisher, and drawn from the pool, full of water, who
appeared to know him, and swore he was one of the best fellows on any of
the beats round about; and that they had got hold of a Fire-prigger,{8}
and bundled{9} him off to St. Giles's watch-house, because he was
bolting with a _bag of togs_.

1 Nob--The head.

2 Bread-basket--The stomach.

3 Keel upwards--Originally a sea phrase, and most in use
among sailors, &c.

4 Darkey--Generally made use of to signify a dark lantern.

5 Musical instrument--a rattle.

6 Post of honour, or supporter of his peace--Stick, or
cudgel.

7 "Canister-cap--& hat.

8 Fire-prigger--No beast of prey can be more noxious to
society or destitute of feeling than those who plunder the
unfortunate sufferers under that dreadful and destructive
calamity, fire. The tiger who leaps on the unguarded
passenger will fly from the fire, and the traveller shall be
protected by it; while these wretches, who attend on fires,
and rob the unfortunate sufferers under pretence of
coming to give assistance, and assuming the style and manner
of neighbours, take advantage of distress and confusion.
Such wretches have a more eminent claim to the detestation
of society, than almost any other of those who prey upon it.

9 Bundled--Took, or conveyed.

~152~~The feeble old scout shook his dripping wardrobe, d----d the
water and the boosy kid that wallof'd him into it, but without appearing
to know which was him; till Bob stepped up, and passing some silver into
his mawley, told him he hoped he was not hurt. And our party then, moved
on in the direction for Russel-street, Covent-garden, when Sparkle again
mentioned his wet condition, and particularly recommended a glass of
Cogniac by way of preventive from taking cold. "A good motion well made
(said Tom;) and here we are just by the Harp, where we can be fitted to
a shaving; so come along."

Having taken this, as Sparkle observed, very necessary precaution,
they pursued their way towards Piccadilly, taking their route under the
Piazzas of Covent-garden, and thence up James-street into Long-acre,
where they were amused by a circumstance of no very uncommon kind in
London, but perfectly new to Tallyho. Two Charleys had in close custody
a sturdy young man (who was surrounded by several others,) and was
taking him to the neighbouring watch-house "What is the matter?" said
Tom.

"Oh, 'tis only a little bit of a dead body-snatcher," said one of the
guardians. "He has been up to the resurrection rig.{1} Here," continued
he, "I've got the bone-basket,"

1 Resurrection rig--This subject, though a grave one, has
been treated by many with a degree of comicality calculated
to excite considerable risibility. A late well known
humorist has related the following anecdote:

Some young men, who had been out upon the spree, returning
home pretty well primed after drinking plentifully, found
themselves so dry as they passed a public house where they
were well known, they could not resist the desire they had
of calling on their old friend, and taking a glass of brandy
with him by way of finish, as they termed it; and finding
the door open, though it was late, were tempted to walk in.
But their old friend was out of temper. "What is the
matter?"--"Matter enough," replied Boniface; "here have I
got an old fool of a fellow occupying my parlour dead drunk,
and what the devil to do with him I don't know. He can
neither walk nor speak."

"Oh," said one of the party, who knew that a resurrection
Doctor resided in the next street, "I'll remove that
nuisance, if that's all you have to complain of; only lend
me a sack, and I'll sell him."

A sack was produced, and the Bacchanalian, who
almost appeared void of animation, was without much
difficulty thrust into it. "Give me a lift," said the
frolicsome blade, and away he went with the load. On
arriving at the doctor's door, he pulled the night bell,
when the Assistant made his appearance, not un-accustomed to
this sort of nocturnal visitant.

~153~~holding up a bag, "and it was taken off his shoulder as he went
along Mercer-street, so he can't say nothing at all.

"I have brought you a subject--all right."

"Come in. What is it, a man or a woman?"

"A man."

"Down with him--that corner. D----n it, I was fast asleep.

"Call for the sack in the morning, will you, for I want to get to bed."

"With all my heart."

Then going to a drawer, and bringing the customary fee, "Here, (said he)
be quick and be off." This was exactly what the other wanted; and having
secured the rubbish,{1} the door was shut upon him. This, however,
was no sooner done, than the Boosy Kid in the sack, feeling a sudden
internal turn of the contents of his stomach, which brought with it a
heaving, fell, from the upright situation in which he had been placed,
on the floor. This so alarmed the young Doctor, that he ran with all
speed after the vender, and just coming up to him at the corner of the
street.

"Why, (said he) you have left me a living man!"

"Never mind, (replied the other;) kill him when you want him." And
making good use of his heels he quickly disappeared.

A Comedian of some celebrity, but who is now too old for theatrical
service, relates a circumstance which occurred to him upon his first
arrival in town:--

Having entered into an engagement to appear upon the boards of one of
the London Theatres, he sought the metropolis some short time before the
opening of the House; and conceiving it necessary to his profession
to study life--real life as it is,--he was accustomed to mingle
promiscuously in almost all society. With this view he frequently
entered the tap rooms of the lowest public houses, to enjoy his pipe and
his pint, keeping the main object always in view--

"To catch the manners living as they rise."

Calling one evening at one of these houses, not far from Drury Lane, he
found some strapping fellows engaged in conversation, interlarded with
much flash and low slang; but decently dressed, he mingled in a sort of
general dialogue with them on the state of the weather, politics, &c.
After sitting some time in their company, and particularly noticing
their persons and apparent character--

"Come, Bill, it is time to be off, it is getting rather
darkish." "Ah, very well (replied the other,) let us have
another quart, and then I am your man for a bit of a lark."
By this time they had learned that the Comedian was but
newly arrived in town; and he on the other hand was desirous
of seeing what they meant to be up to. After another quart
they were about to move, when, said one to the other, "As we
are only going to have a stroll and a bit of fun, perhaps
that there young man would like to join us."

"Ah, what say you, Sir? have you any objection? but perhaps
you have business on hand and are engaged--"

"No, I have nothing particular to do," was the reply. "Very
well, then if you like to go with us, we shall be glad of
your company."

"Well (said he,) I don't care if I do spend an hour with
you." And with that they sallied forth.

After rambling about for some time in the vicinity of
Tottenham Court Road, shewing him some of the Squares, &c.
describing the names of streets, squares, and buildings,
they approached St. Giles's, and leading him under a
gateway, "Stop, (said one) we must call upon Jack, you know,
for old acquaintance sake," and gave a loud knock at the
door; which being opened without a word, they all walked in,
and the door was instantly lock'd. He was now introduced to
a man of squalid appearance, with whom they all shook hands:
the mode of introduction was not however of so satis-factory
a description as had been expected, being very laconic, and
conveyed in the following language:--"We have got him."

"Yes, yes, it is all right--come, Jack, serve us out some
grog, and then to business."

The poor Comedian in the mean time was left in the utmost
anxiety and surprise to form an opinion of his situation;
for as he had heard something about trepanning, pressing,
&c. he could not help entertaining serious suspicion that he
should either be com-pelled to serve as a soldier or a
sailor; and as he had no intention "to gain a name in arms,"
they were neither of them suitable to his inclinations.

"Come," (said one) walk up stairs and sit down--Jack, bring
the lush "--and up stairs they went.

Upon entering a gloomy room, somewhat large, with only a
small candle, he had not much opportunity of discovering
what sort of a place it was, though it looked wretched
enough. The grog was brought--"Here's all round the grave-
stone, (said one)--come, drink away, my hearty--don't be
alarm'd, we are rum fellows, and we'll put you up to a rig
or two--we are got a rum covey in the corner there, and you
must lend us a hand to get rid of him:" then, holding up the
light, what was the surprise of the poor Comedian to espy a
dead body of a man--"You can help us to get him away, and
by G----you shall, too, it's of no use to flinch now."

A circumstance of this kind was new to him, so that his
perplexity was only increased by the discovery; but he
plainly perceived by the last declaration, that having
engaged in the business, it would be of no use to leave it
half done: he therefore remained silent upon the subject,
drank his grog, when Jack came up stairs to say the cart was
ready.

"Lend a hand, (said one of them) let us get our load down
stairs--come, my Master, turn to with a good heart, all's
right."

With this the body was conveyed down stairs.

At the back of the house was a small yard separated from a
neighbouring street by a wall--a signal was given by some
one on the other side which was understood by those within--
it was approaching nine o'clock, and a dark night--"Come,
(said one of them,) mount you to the top of the wall, and
ding the covey over to the carcass-carter." This being
complied with, the dead body was handed up to him, which was
no sooner done than the Carman outside, perceiving the
Watchman approach--"It von't do," said he, and giving a
whistle, drove his cart with an assumed air of carelessness
away; while the poor Comedian, who had a new character to
support, in which he did not conceive himself well up,{1}
was holding the dead man on his lap with the legs projecting
over the wall; it was a situation of the utmost delicacy and
there was no time to recast the part, he was therefore,
obliged to blunder through it as well as he could; the
perspiration of the living man fell plentifully on the
features of the dead as the Charley approached in a position
to pass directly under him. Those inside had sought the
shelter of the house, telling him to remain quiet till the
old Scout was gone by. Now although he was not fully
acquainted with the consequences of discovery, he was
willing and anxious to avoid them: he therefore took the
advice, and scarcely moved or breathed--"Past nine o'clock,"
said the Watchman, as he passed under the legs of the dead
body without looking up, though he was within an inch of
having his castor brushed off by them. Being thus relieved,
he was happy to see the cart return; he handed over the
unpleasant burthen, and as quick as possible afterwards
descended from his elevated situation into the street,
determining at all hazards to see the result of this to him
extraordinary adventure; with this view he followed the cart
at a short distance, keeping his eye upon it as he went
along; and in one of the streets leading to Long Acre, he
perceived a man endeavouring to look into the back part of
the cart, but was diverted from his object by one of the men
who had introduced him to the house, while another of the
confederates snatched the body from the cart, and ran with
all speed down another street in an opposite direction. This
movement had attracted the notice of the Watchman, who,
being prompt in his movements, had sprung his rattle. Upon
this, and feeling himself too heavily laden to secure his
retreat, the fellow with the dead man perceiving the gate of
an area open, dropped his burden down the steps, slam'd the
gate after him, and continued to fly, but was stopped at the
end of the street; in the mean time the Charley in pursuit
had knock'd at the door of the house where the stolen goods
(as he supposed) were deposited.

1 A cant phrase for money.

It was kept by an old maiden lady, who, upon discovering the
dead body of a man upon her premises, had fainted in the
Watchman's arms. The detection of the running
Resurrectionist was followed by a walk to the watch-house,
where his companions endeavoured to make it appear that they
had all been dining at Wandsworth together, that he was not
the person against whom the hue and cry had been raised. But
_old Snoosey_{l} said it wouldn't do, and he was therefore
detained to appear before the Magistrate in the morning. The
Comedian, who had minutely watched their proceedings, took
care to be at Bow-street in good time; where he found upon
the affidavits of two of his comrades, who swore they had
dined together at Wandsworth, their pal was liberated.