Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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"Silence there, behind."

"So then," continued the Dandy, "we went to the Billiard-rooms, in Fleet
Street, played three games, diddled the Flats, bilk'd the Marker, and
bolted--I say, when did you see Dolly?"{1}

1 To the frequenters of Drury-lane Theatre, who occasionally
lounge away a little of their time between the acts in
sipping soda-water, negus, &c. the party here alluded to
cannot but be well known--we mean particularly the laffing-
boys and the lads of the village. We are aware that
fictitious names are assumed or given to the Ladies of
Saloon notoriety, originating in particular circum-stances,
and we have reason to believe that Dolly K----lly has been
so denominated from the propensity she almost invariably
manifests of painting, as remarked particularly by one of
the parties in conversation.

~136~~"Last night," replied the other--"she'll be here
presently--d----nd fine girl, arn't she?"

"Very well," said the first; "a nice plump face, but then she paints
so d--n--bly, I hate your painted Dollys, give me natural flesh and
blood--Polly H--ward for me."

"Gallows Tom{1} will speak to you in plain terms if you trespass there,
my boy; you know he has out-general'd the Captain in that quarter, and
came off victorious, so----"

"Come," said Sparkle, "let us adjourn into the Saloon, for, Heaven
knows, it is useless staying here." And taking their arms, they
immediately left the Box.

"The theatre," continued he, "is a sort of enchanted island, where
nothing appears as it really is, nor what it should be. In London, it is
a sort of time-killer, or exchange of looks and smiles. It is frequented
by persons of all degrees and qualities whatsoever. Here Lords come
to laugh and be laughed at--Knights to learn the amorous smirk and
a-la-mode grin, the newest fashion in the cut of his garments, the twist
of his body, and the adjustment of his phiz.

"This House{2} was built upon a grand and extensive scale, designed and
executed under the inspection of Mr. Benj. Wyatt, the architect, whose
skill was powerfully and liberally aided by an intelligent and public
spirited Committee, of which the late Mr. Whitbread was the Chairman. It
is altogether a master-piece of art, and an ornament to the Metropolis.
You perceive the interior is truly delightful, and the exterior presents
the idea of solidity and security: it affords sitting room for 2810
persons, that is, 1200 in the Boxes, 850 in the Pit, 480

1 It appears that the adoption of fictitious names is not
wholly confined to the female visitors of these regions of
fashion and folly. Gallows Tom is a character well known,
and is a sort of general friend, at all times full of fun,
fire, and spirit. We have not been able to discover whether
he holds any official situation under government, though it
is generally believed he is safely anchored under the croum,
a stanch friend to the British constitution--probably more
so than to his own. And we should judge from what is to be
inferred from the conversation overheard, that he is the
acknowledged friend of Miss H----d. Capt. T----pe is
supposed to hold a Commission in the Navy, a gay and gallant
frequenter of the Saloon, and, till a short time back, the
chere ami of Miss H----d.

2 The building of this Theatre was completed for 112,000L.
Including lamps, furniture, &c. 125,000L.; and including
scent ry, wardrobe, properties, &c. 150,000L.

~137~~in the Lower Gallery, and 280 in the Upper Gallery. The talents of
the celebrated Mr. Kean (who has recently left us for the shores of the
Atlantic) first blazed forth to astonish the world beneath this roof.
Old Drury immortalized the name of Garrick, and has also established the
fame of Mr. Kean; and the House at the present moment has to boast of a
combination of histrionic{1} talent, rich and excellent."

"Come along, come along," said Tom, interrupting him, "leave these
explanations for another opportunity--here is the Saloon. Now for a peep
at old particulars. There is no seeing nor hearing the Play--I have no
inclination for histories, I am just alive for a bit of gig."

On entering the Saloon, Bob was additionally gratified at viewing
the splendour of its decorations. The arched ceiling, the two massy
Corinthian columns of _vera antique_, and the ten corresponding
pilasters on each side, struck him as particularly beautiful, and he was
for some moments lost in contemplation, while his friends Sparkle and
Tom were in immediate request to receive the congratulations of their
acquaintance.

"Where the d----l have you been to?" was the first question addressed
to Dashall--"rusticating, I suppose, to the serious loss of all polished
society."

"You are right in the first part of your reply," said Tom; "but, as I
conceive, not exactly so in the inference you draw from it."

"Modesty, by Jove! well done Dashall, this travelling appears to improve
your manners wonderfully; and I dare say if you had staid away another
month, your old friends would not have known you."

This created a laugh among the party, which roused Bob from his reverie,
who, turning round rather hastily, trod with considerable force upon
the gouty toe of an old debauchee in spectacles, who, in the height
of ecstasy, was at that moment entering into a treaty of amity with a
pretty rosy-faced little girl, and chucking her under the

1 The names of Elliston, Pope, Johnston, Powell, Dowton,
Munden, Holland, Wallack, Knight, T. Cooke, Oxberry, Smith,
Bromley, &c. are to be found on the male list of Performers,
and it is sincerely to be hoped that of Mr. Kean will not
long be absent. The females are, Mrs. Davison, Mrs. Glover,
Miss Kelly, Mrs. Bland, Mrs. Orger, Mrs. Sparks, Miss
Wilson, Miss Byrne, Miss Cubitt, &c.

~138~~chin, as a sort of preliminary, to be succeeded by a ratification;
for in all probability gratification was out of the question. However
this might be, the pain occasioned by the sudden movement of Tallyho,
who had not yet learned to trip it lightly along the _mutton walk_,{1}
induced the sufferer to roar out most lustily, a circumstance which
immediately attracted the attention of every one in the room, and in a
moment they were surrounded by a group of lads and lasses.

[Illustration: page138 Tom and Bob at Drury Lane]

"Upon my soul, Sir," stammer'd out Bob, "I beg your pardon, I--I--did
not mean--"

"Oh! oh! oh!" continued the gouty Amoroso. Mother K----p{2} came
running like lightning with a glass of water; the frail sisterhood
were laughing, nodding, whispering, and winking at each other; while
St----ns,{3} who pick'd up the spectacles the unfortunate victim of
the gout had dropp'd, swore that fellow in the green coat and white
hat ought to be sent to some dancing-school, to learn to step without
kicking people's shins.

Another declared he was a Johnny-raw,{4} just catched, and what could be
expected.

Tom, who, however, kept himself alive to the passing occurrences,
stepping up to Bob, was immediately recognized by all around him, and
passing a significant wink, declared it was an accident, and begged to
assist the Old Buck to a seat, which being accomplished, he declared
he had not had his shoe on for a week, but as he found himself able to
walk, he could not resist the temptation of taking a look around him.

Over a bottle of wine the unpleasant impressions made by this
unfortunate occurrence appeared to be removed. In the mean time, Tom
received a hundred congratulations and salutations; while Sparkle, after
a glass or two, was missing.

Dashall informed the friends around him, that his Cousin was a pupil of
his, and begged to introduce him

1 Mutton Walk--A flash term recently adopted to denominate
the Saloon.

2 A well known fruit-woman, who is in constant attendance,
well acquainted with the girls and their protectors, and
ready upon all occasions to give or convey information for
the benefit of both parties.

3 St----ns--A very pretty round-faced young lady-bird, of
rather small figure, inclining to be lusty.

4 Johnny Raw--A country bumpkin.

~139~~as a future visitor to this gay scene. This had an instantaneous
effect upon the trading fair ones, who began immediately to throw out
their lures. One declared he had a sweet pretty brooch; another, that
she knew he was a trump by the cut of his jib; a third, that he look'd
like a gentleman, for she liked the make of his mug; a fourth, that his
hat was a very pretty shaped one, although it was of a radical colour;
and while Tom and the ladybird{l} were soothing the pains of the
grey-headed wanton, Bob was as busily employed in handing about the
contents of the bottle. A second and a third succeeded, and it was not
a little astonishing to him that every bottle improved his appearance;
for, though not one of his admirers remained long with him, yet the
absence of one only brought another, equally attracted by his look and
manner: every one declared he was really a gentleman in every respect,
and in the course of their short parley, did not fail to slip a card
into his hand. By this time he began to grow chatty, and was enabled
to rally in turn the observations they made. He swore he lov'd them all
round, and once or twice hummed over,

"Dear creatures, we can't do without them,
They're all that is sweet and seducing to man,
Looking, sighing about, and about them,
We doat on them--do for them, all that we can."

The play being over, brought a considerable influx of company into
the Saloon. The regular covies paired off with their covesses, and the
moving panorama of elegance and fashion presented a scene that was truly
delightful to Bob.

The Ladybird, who had been so attentive to the gouty customer, now
wished him a good night, for, said she, "There is my friend,{2} and so I
am off." This seemed only to increase the agony of his already agonized
toe, notwithstanding which he presently toddled off, and was seen no
more for the evening.

"What's become of Sparkle," enquired Tom. "Stole away," was the reply.

"Tipp'd us the double, has he," said Dashall. "Well, what think you of
Drury-lane?"

1 Lady-bird--A dashing Cyprian.

2 The term friend is in constant use among accessible
ladies, and signifies their protector or keeper.

~140~~"'Tis a very delightful tragedy indeed, but performed in the most
comical manner I ever witnessed in my life."

"Pshaw!" said Bob, "very few indeed, except the critics and the plebs,
come here to look at the play; they come to see and be seen."

"Egad then," said Bob, "a great many have been gratified to-night, and
perhaps I have been highly honoured, for every person that has passed me
has complimented me with a stare."

"Which of course you did not fail to return?"

"Certainly not; and upon my soul you have a choice show of fruit here."

"Yes," continued Tom, "London is a sort of hot-house, where fruit is
forced into ripeness by the fostering and liberal sun of Folly, sooner
than it would be, if left to its natural growth. Here however, you
observe nothing but joyful and animated features, while perhaps the
vulture of misery is gnawing at the heart. I could give you histories of
several of these unfortunates,{1}

1 A life of prostitution is a life fraught with too many
miseries to be collected in any moderate compass. The mode
in which they are treated, by parties who live upon the
produce of their infamy, the rude and boisterous, nay, often
brutal manner in which they are used by those with whom they
occasionally associate, and the horrible reflections of
their own minds, are too frequently and too fatally
attempted to be obliterated by recourse to the Bacchanalian
fount. Reason becomes obscured, and all decency and
propriety abandoned. Passion rules predominantly until it
extinguishes itself, and leaves the wretched victim of early
delusion, vitiated both in body and mind, to drag on a
miserable existence, without character, without friends, and
almost without hope. There is unfortunately, however, no
occasion for the exercise of imagination on this subject.
The annals of our police occurrences, furnish too many
examples of actual circumstances, deeply to be deplored; and
we have selected one of a most atrocious kind which recently
took place, and is recorded as follows:--

_Prostitution_.

"An unfortunate girl, apparently about eighteen years of
age, and of the most interesting and handsome person, but
whose attire indicated extreme poverty and distress, applied
to the sitting magistrate, Richard Bimie, Esq. under the
following circum-stances:--It appeared from the statement,
that she had for the last three weeks been living at a house
of ill fame in Exeter-street, Strand, kept by a man named
James Locke: this wretch had exacted the enormous sum of
three guineas per week for her board and lodging, and in
consequence of her not being able to pay the sum due for the
last week, he threatened to strip her of her cloaths, and
turn her naked into the street. This threat he deferred
executing until yesterday morning (having in the mean time
kept her locked up in a dark room, without any covering
whatever,) when in lieu of her cloaths, he gave her the
tattered and loathsome garments she then appeared in, which
were barely sufficient to preserve common decency, and then
brutally turned her into the street. Being thus plunged into
the most abject wretchedness, without money or friends, to
whom she could apply in her present situation, her bodily
strength exhausted by the dissipated life she had led, and
rendered more so by a long abstinence from food; her spirits
broken and overcome by the bitter and humiliating
reflection, that her own guilty conduct debarred her from
flying to the fostering arms of affectionate parents, whom
she had loaded with disgrace and misery; and the now
inevitable exposure of her infamy, it was some time ere her
wandering senses were sufficiently composed to determine
what course she should pursue in the present emergency, when
she thought she could not do better than have recourse to
the justice of her country against the villain Lock, who had
so basely treated her; and after extreme pain and
difficulty, she succeeded in dragging her enfeebled limbs to
the Office. During the detail of the foregoing particulars,
she seemed overwhelmed with shame and remorse, and at times
sobbed so violently as to render her voice inarticulate. Her
piteous case excited the attention and sympathy of all
present; and it was much to the general satisfaction that
Mr. Bimie ordered Humphries, one of the conductors of the
Patrol, to fetch Lock to the Office. On being brought there,
the necessary proceedings were gone into for the purpose of
indicting the house as a common brothel.

"It was afterwards discovered that this unhappy girl was of
the most respectable parents, and for the last six years had
been residing with her Aunt. About three months ago, some
difference having arisen between them, she absconded, taking
with her only a few shillings, and the clothes she then
wore. The first night of her remaining from home she went to
Drury-lane Theatre, and was there pick'd up by a genteel
woman dressed in black, who having learned her situation,
enticed her to a house in Hart-street, Covent-garden, where
the ruin of the poor girl was finally effected. It was not
until she had immersed herself in vice and folly that she
reflected on her situation, and it was then too late to
retract; and after suffering unheard of miseries, was, in
the short space of three months, reduced to her present
state of wretchedness.

"The worthy Magistrate ordered that proper care should be
taken of the girl, which was readily undertaken on the part
of the parish.

"The Prisoner set up a defence, in which he said, a friend
of the girl's owed him 14L. and that he detained her clothes
for it--but was stopped by Mr. Bimie.

"He at first treated the matter very lightly; but on
perceiving the determination on the part of the parish to
proceed, he offered to give up the things. This however he
was not allowed to do."

(who are exercising all their arts to entrap customers) apparently full
of life and vivacity, who perhaps dare not approach ~142~~their homes
without the produce of their successful blandishments. But this is not a
place for moralizing--a truce to Old Care and the Blue Devils--Come on,
my boy, let us take a turn in the Lobby--

"Banish sorrow, griefs a folly;
Saturn, bend thy wrinkled brow;
Get thee hence, dull Melancholy,
Mirth and wine invite us now.

Love displays his mine of treasure,
Comus brings us mirth and song!;
Follow, follow, follow pleasure,
Let us join the jovial throng."

Upon this they adjourned to the Lobby, where a repetition of similar
circumstances took place, with only this difference, that Tally ho
having already been seen in the Saloon, and now introduced, leaning upon
the arm of his Cousin, the enticing goddesses of pleasure hung
around them at every step, every one anxious to be foremost in their
assiduities to catch the new-comer's smile; and the odds were almost a
cornucopia to a cabbage-net that Bob would be hook'd.

Tom was still evidently disappointed, and after pacing the Lobby once or
twice, and whispering Bob to make his observations the subject of future
inquiry, they returned to the Saloon, where Sparkle met them almost out
of breath, declaring he had been hunting them in all parts of the House
for the last half hour.

Tom laugh'd heartily at this, and complimented Sparkle on the ingenuity
with which he managed his affairs. "But I see how it is," said he, "and
I naturally suppose you are engaged."

"'Suspicion ever haunts the guilty mind,' and I perceive clearly that
you are only disappointed that you are not engaged--where are all your
_golden_{1} dreams now?"

"Pshaw! there is no such thing as speaking to you," said Tom, rather
peevishly, "without feeling a lash like a cart-whip."

1 This was a touch of the satirical which it appears did not
exactly suit the taste of Dashall, as it applied to the
Ladybird who had attracted his attention on entering the
house.

~143~~"Merely in return," continued Sparkle, "for the genteel, not to
say gentle manner, in which you handle the horse-whip."

"There is something very mulish in all this," said Bob, interrupting the
conversation, "I don't understand it."

"Nor I neither," said Tom, leaving the arm of his Cousin, and stepping
forward.

This hasty dismissal of the subject under debate had been occasioned by
the appearance of a Lady, whose arm Tom immediately took upon leaving
that of his cousin, a circumstance which seemed to restore harmony to
all parties. Tallyho and Sparkle soon joined them, and after a few turns
for the purpose of seeing, and being seen, it was proposed to adjourn
to the Oyster-shop directly opposite the front of the Theatre; and with
that view they in a short time departed, but not without an addition of
two other ladies, selected from the numerous frequenters of the Saloon,
most of whom appeared to be well known both to Tom and Sparkle.

The appearance of the outside was very pleasing--the brilliance of the
lights--the neat and cleanly style in which its contents were displayed
seemed inviting to appetite, and in a very short time a cheerful repast
was served up; while the room was progressively filling with company,
and Mother P----was kept in constant activity.

Bob was highly gratified with the company, and the manner in which they
were entertained.

A vast crowd of dashing young Beaux and elegantly dressed Belles,
calling about them for oysters, lobsters, salmon, shrimps, bread
and butter, soda-water, ginger-beer, &c. kept up a sort of running
accompaniment to the general conversation in which they were engaged;
when the mirth and hilarity of the room was for a moment delayed upon
the appearance of a dashing Blade, who seemed as he entered to say to
himself,

"Plebeians, avaunt! I have altered my plan, Metamorphosed completely,
behold a Fine Man! That is, throughout town I am grown quite the rage,
The meteor of fashion, the Buck of the age."

He was dressed in the extreme of fashion, and seemed desirous of
imparting the idea of his great importance to all around him: he had
a light-coloured great-coat with immense mother o' pearl buttons
and double ~144~~capes, Buff or Petersham breeches, and coat of
_sky-blue_,{1} his hat cocked on one side, and stout ground-ashen stick
in his hand. It was plain to be seen that the juice of the grape had
been operative upon the upper story, as he reeled to the further end of
the room, and, calling the attendant, desired her to bring him a bottle
of soda-water, for he was _lushy_,{2} by G----d; then throwing himself
into a box, which he alone occupied, he stretched himself at length on
the seat, and seemed as if he would go to sleep.

"That (said Sparkle) is a distinguished Member of the Tilbury Club, and
is denominated a Ruffian, a kind of character that gains ground, as to
numbers, over the Exquisite, but he is very different in polish.

1 A partiality to these coloured habits is undoubtedly
intended to impress upon the minds of plebeian beholders an
exalted idea of their own consequence, or to prove, perhaps,
that their conceptions are as superior to common ones as the
sky is to the earth.

2 The variety of denominations that have at different times
been given to drunkenness forms an admirable specimen of
ingenuity well worthy of remark. The derivation of Lushy, we
believe, is from a very common expression, that a drunken
man votes for Lushington; but perhaps it would be rather
difficult to discover the origin of many terms made use of
to express a jolly good fellow, and no flincher under the
effects of good fellowship. It is said--that he is drunk,
intoxicated, fuddled, muddled, flustered, rocky, reely,
tipsy, merry, half-boosy, top-heavy, chuck-full, cup-sprung,
pot-valiant, maudlin, a little how came you so, groggy,
jolly, rather mightitity, in drink, in his cups, high, in
uubibus, under the table, slew'd, cut, merry, queer, quisby,
sew'd up, over-taken, elevated, cast away, concerned, half-
coek'd, exhilarated, on a merry pin, a little in the suds,
in a quandary, wing'd as wise as Solomon.

It is also said, that he has business on both sides of the way, got his
little hat on, bung'd his eye, been in the sun, got a spur in his head,
(this is frequently used by brother Jockeys to each other) got a crumb
in his beard, had a little, had enough, got more than he can carry, been
among the Philistines, lost his legs, been in a storm, got his night-cap
on, got his skin full, had a cup too much, had his cold tea, a red eye,
got his dose, a pinch of snuff in his wig, overdone it, taken draps,
taking a lunar, sugar in his eye, had his wig oil'd, that he is diddled,
dish'd and done up.

He clips the King's English, sees double, reels, heels a little, heels
and sets, shews his hob-nails, looks as if he couldn't help it, takes an
observation, chases geese, loves a drap, and cannot sport a right line,
can't walk a chalk.

He is as drunk as a piper, drunk as an owl, drunk as David's sow, drunk
as a lord, fuddled as an ape, merry as a grig, happy as a king.

145~~"In the higher circles, a Ruffian is one of the many
mushroom-productions which the sun of prosperity brings to life. Stout
in general is his appearance, but Dame Nature has done little for him,
and Fortune has spoilt even that little. To resemble his groom and his
coachman is his highest ambition. He is a perfect horseman, a perfect
whip, but takes care never to be a perfect gentleman. His principal
accomplishments are sporting, swaggering, milling, drawing, and
greeking.{1} He takes the ribands in his hands, mounts his box, with
Missus by his side--"All right, ya hip, my hearties"--drives his empty
mail with four prime tits--cuts out a Johnny-raw--shakes his head, and
lolls out his tongue at him; and if he don't break his own neck, gets
safe home after his morning's drive.

"He is always accompanied by a brace at least of dogs in his morning
visits; and it is not easy to determine on these occasions which is the
most troublesome animal of the two, the biped or the quadruped."