Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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~126~~coaches running, and barges, packets, and sailing-boats navigated,
by Steam{1}--St. Paul's, as you perceive, without its ball--smoke
burning itself, and money burning men's consciences."

"Well done, Sparkle!" cried Tom; "your ideas seem to flow like gas,
touch but the valve and off you go; and you are equally diffusive, for
you throw a light upon all subjects."

Bob was now suddenly attracted by a full view of himself and his friends
at the further end of Everington's{2}

1 Steam--Here is a subject that evaporates as we approach;
it soars beyond finite comprehension, and appears to be
inexhaustible--every thing is done by it--machinery of every
kind is set in motion by it--a newspaper of the most
extensive circulation in the kingdom is printed by it, and
the paper supplied sheet by sheet to receive the impression.
Tobacco is manufactured, and sausage-meat cut, by steam--
nay, a celebrated Vender of the latter article had asserted,
that his machinery was in such a state of progressive
improvement, that he had little doubt before long of making
it supply the demands of his customers, and thereby save the
expense of a Shopman; but, it is much to be regretted, his
apparatus made sausage-meat of him before the accomplishment
of his project.

Considering the increasing, and by some Philosophers almost
overwhelming population of the country at the present
moment, it is certainly an alarming circumstance, that when
employment is so much required, mechanical science should so
completely supersede it to the injury of thousands,
independent of the many who have lost their lives by the
blowing up of steam-engines. It is a malady however which
must be left to our political economists, who will
doubtless at the same time determine which would prove the
most effectual remedy--the recommendation of Mr. Malthus to
condemn the lower orders to celibacy--the Jack Tars to a
good war--or the Ministers to emigration.

2 If an estimate of the wealth or poverty of the nation
were to lie formed from the appearance of the houses in the
Metropolis, no one could be induced to believe that the
latter had any existence among us. The splendour and taste
of our streets is indescribable, and the vast improvements
in the West are equally indicative of the former.

The enormous increase of rents for Shops, particularly in
the leading thoroughfares of London, may in a great measure
be attributed to the Linen-drapers. The usual method
practised by some of these gentry, is to take a shop in the
first-rate situation, pull down the old front, and erect a
new one, regardless of expense, a good outside being
considered the first and indispensable requisite. This is
often effected, either upon credit with a builder, or, if
they have a capital of a few hundreds, it is all exhausted
in external decorations. Goods are obtained upon credit, and
customers procured by puffing advertisements, and exciting
astonishment at the splendid appearance of the front. Thus
the concern is generally carried on till the credit obtained
has expired, and the wonder and novelty of the concern has
evaporated; when the stock is _sold off at 30 per cent,
under prime cost for the benefit of the creditors_! This is
so common an occurrence, that it is scarcely possible to
walk through London any day in the year, without being
attracted by numerous Linen-drapers' shops, whose windows
are decorated with bills, indicating that they are actually
selling off under prime cost, as the premises must be
cleared in a few days.

The most elegant Shop of this description in the Metropolis
is supposed to be one not a hundred miles from Ludgate-hill,
the front and fitting up of which alone is said to have cost
several thousand pounds. The interior is nearly all of
looking-glass, with gilt mouldings; even the ceiling is
looking-glass, from which is appended splendid cut-glass
chandeliers, which when lighted give to the whole the
brilliance of enchantment; however it is not very easy to
form an idea of what is sold, for, with the exception of a
shawl or two carelessly thrown into the window, there is
nothing to be seen, (the stock being all concealed in
drawers, cupboards, &c. ) except the decorations and the
Dandy Shopmen, who parade up and down in a state of ecstasy
at the reflection of their own pretty persons from every
part of the premises!

This concealment of the stock has occasioned some laughable
occurrences. It is said that a gentleman from the country
accidentally passing, took it for a looking-glass
manufactory, and went in to inquire the price of a glass.
The Shopmen gathered round him with evident surprise,
assured him of his mistake, and directed him to go to
Blades,{1} lower down the Hill. The Countryman was not
disconcerted, but, after surveying them somewhat minutely,
informed them it was glass he wanted, not cutlery; but as
for blades, he thought there were enow there for one street,
at least.

Another is said to have been so pleased with a row of
grotesque Indian-China jars, which embellish one side of the
entrance, and which he mistook for _pots de chambre_, that
after returning home and consulting his rib, he sent an
order per post for one of the most elegant pattern to be
forwarded to him!

There is a similar Shop to this, though on a smaller scale,
to be seen in a great leading thoroughfare at the West end
of the Town; the owner of which, from his swarthy complexion
and extravagant mode of dress, has been denominated The
Black Prince, a name by which he is well known in his own
neighbourhood, and among the gentlemen of the cloth. This
dandy gentleman, who affects the dress and air of a military
officer, has the egregious vanity to boast that the numerous
families of rank and fashion who frequent his shop, are
principally attracted to view his elegant person, and seems
to consider that upon this principally depends the success
of his trade.

1 A large Glass-manufacturer.

128--shop, and without observing the other persons about him, saw
himself surrounded with spectators, unconscious of being in their
company. He look'd up--he look'd down--he gazed around him, and all was
inconceivable light. Tom's allusion to the gas flashed upon him in a
moment--"What--what is this?" said he--"where, in the name of wonder, am
I?" A flash of lightning could not have operated more suddenly upon him.
"Why," said Sparkle, "don't you see?

"You are not here, for you are there,"

pointing to his reflection, in the looking-glass.

"Egad," said Bob, under evident surprise, and perhaps not without
some apprehension they were playing tricks with him--"I wish you would
explain--is this a Drawing-room, or is it the _Phantasmagoria_ we have
heard so much of in the country?"

"No, no, it is not the Phantasmagoria, but it forms a part of
metropolitan magic, which you shall be better acquainted with before we
part. That is no other than a Linen-draper's shop, '_papered_,' as
an Irishman one day remarked, 'vvid nothing at all at all but
looking-glass, my dear '--one of the most superb things of the kind that
perhaps ever was seen--But come, I perceive it is getting late, let us
proceed directly to Dolly's, take our chop, then a _rattler_,{1} and hey
for the Spell."{2}

Bob appeared almost to be spell-bound at the moment, and, as they moved
onward, could not help casting

"One longing, lingering look behind."

1 Rattler--A coach.

2 Spell--The Play-house; so denominated from its variety of
attractions, both before and behind the curtain.

CHAPTER X

"What various swains our motley walls contain!
Fashion from Moorfields, honour from Chick-lane;
Bankers from Paper-buildings here resort,
Bankrupts from Golden-square and Riches-court;
From the Haymarket canting rogues in grain,
Gulls from the Poultry, sots from Water-lane;
The lottery cormorant, the auction shark,
The full-price master, and the half-price clerk;
Boys, who long linger at the gallery-door,
With pence twice live, they want but twopence more,
Till some Samaritan the twopence spares,
And sends them jumping up the gallery-stairs.
Critics we boast, who ne'er their malice baulk,
But talk their minds--we wish they'd mind their talk;
Big-worded bullies, who by quarrels live,
Who give the lie, and tell the lie they give;
Jews from St. Mary-Axe, for jobs so wary,
That for old clothes they'd even axe St. Mary;
And Bucks with pockets empty as their pate,
Lax in their gaiters, laxer in their gait.
Say, why these Babel strains from Babel tongues?
Who's that calls "Silence" with such leathern lungs?
He, who, in quest of quiet, "Silence" hoots,
Is apt to make the hubbub he imputes."

IN a few minutes they entered Dolly's, from whence, after partaking of a
cheerful repast and an exhilarating glass of wine, a coach conveyed them
to Drury-lane. ',

"Now," said the Hon. Tom Dashall, "I shall introduce you to a new scene
in Real Life, well worth your close observation. We have already taken
a promiscuous ramble from the West towards the East, and it has afforded
some amusement; but our stock is abundant, and many objects of curiosity
are still in view."

"Yes, yes," continued Sparkle, "every day produces novelty; for although
London itself is always the same, the inhabitants assume various forms,
as inclination or necessity may induce or compel. The Charioteer of
~130~~to-day, dashing along with four in hand, may be an inhabitant of
the King's-bench to-morrow, and--but here we are, and Marino Faliero is
the order of the night. The character of its author is so well known, as
to require no observation; but you will be introduced to a great variety
of other characters, both in High and Low Life, of an interesting
nature."

By this time they had alighted, and were entering the House. The rapid
succession of carriages arriving with the company, the splendour of the
equipages, the general elegance of the dresses, and the blazing of the
lamps, alternately became objects of attraction to Bob, whose eyes were
kept in constant motion--while "A Bill of the Play for Covent Garden or
Drury Lane," still resounded in their ears.

[Illustration: page130 Drury Lane Theatre]

On arriving at the Box-lobby, Tom, who was well known, was immediately
shewn into the centre box with great politeness by the Box-keeper,{1}
the second scene of the Tragedy being just over. The appearance of the
House was a delicious treat to Bob, whose visual orbs wandered more
among the delighted and delightful faces which surrounded him, than to
the plot or the progress of the performances before him. It was a scene
of splendour of which lie had not the least conception; and Sparkle
perceiving the principal objects of attraction, could not resist the
impulse to deliver, in a sort of half-whisper, the following lines:--

"When Woman's soft smile all our senses bewilders,
And gilds while it carves her dear form on the heart,
What need has new Drury of carvers and gilders?
With nature so bounteous, why call upon art?

1 The Box-keeper to a public Theatre has many duties to
perform to the public, his employer, and himself; but,
perhaps, in order to be strictly correct, we ought to have
reversed the order in which we have noticed them, since of
the three, the latter appears to be the most important, (at
least) in his consideration; for he takes care before the
commencement of the performance to place one of his
automaton figures on the second row of every box, which
commands a good view of the House, who are merely intended
to sit with their hats off, and to signify that the two
first seats are taken, till the conclusion of the second
act; and so in point of fact they are taken by himself, for
the accommodation of such friends as he is quite aware are
willing to accommodate him with _a quid pro quo_.

How well would our Actors attend to their duties,
Our House save in oil, and our Authors in wit,

In lieu of yon lamps, if a row of young Beauties
Glanc'd light from their eyes between us and the Pit.

The apples that grew on the fruit-tree of knowledge
By Woman were pluck'd, and she still wears the prize,

To tempt us in Theatre, Senate, or College--
I mean the Love-apples that bloom in the eyes.

There too is the lash which, all statutes controlling,
Still governs the slaves that are made by the Fair,

For Man is the pupil who, while her eye's rolling,
Is lifted to rapture, or sunk in despair."

~131~~Tallyho eagerly listened to his friend's recitation of lines so
consonant with his own enraptured feelings; while his Cousin Dashall was
holding a conversation in dumb-show with some person at a distance,
who was presently recognized by Sparkle to be Mrs. G----den,{1} a
well-known frequenter of the House.

"Come," said he, "I see how it is with Tom--you may rely upon it he
will not stop long where he is, there is other game in view--he has but
little taste for Tragedy fiction, the Realities of Life are the objects
of his regard.

"Tis a fine Tragedy," continued he, addressing himself to Tom.

"Yes--yes," replied the other, "I dare say it is, but, upon my soul,
I know nothing about it--that is--I have seen it before, and I mean to
read it."

"Bless my heart!" said a fat lady in a back seat, "what a noise them
'are gentlemen does make--they talk so loud there 'ant no such thing
as seeing what is said--I wonder they don't make these here boxes more
bigger, for I declare I'm so scrouged I'm all in a--Fanny, did you bring
the rumperella for fear it should rain as we goes home?"

"Hush, Mother," said a plump-faced little girl, who sat along side of
her--"don't talk so loud, or otherwise every body will hear you instead
of the Performers, and that would be quite preposterous."

"Don't call me _posterous_ Miss; because you have been to school, and
learnt some _edification_, you thinks you are to do as you please with
me."

1 Mrs. G----den, a dashing Cyprian of the first order, well
known in the House, a fine, well-made woman, always ready
for a lark, and generally well togged.

~132~~This interesting conversation was interrupted by loud
vociferations of Bravo, Bravo, from all parts of the House, as the
drop-scene fell upon the conclusion of the second act. The clapping of
hands, the whistling and noise that ensued for a few minutes, appeared
to astonish Tallyho. "I don't much like my seat," said Dashall. "No,"
said Sparkle, "I did not much expect you would remain long--you are a
mighty ambitious sort of fellow, and I perceive you have a desire to be
exalted."

"I confess the situation, is too confined," replied Tom--"come, it is
excessively warm here, let us take a turn and catch a little air."

The House was crowded in every part; for the announcement of a new
Tragedy from the pen of Lord Byron, particularly under the circumstances
of its introduction to the Stage, against the expressed inclination of
its Author, the

1 At an early hour on the evening this Tragedy was first
pro-duced at Drury Lane, Hand-bills were plentifully
distributed through the Theatre, of which the following is a
copy:

"The public are respectfully informed, that the
representation of Lord Byron's Tragedy, The Doge of Venice,
this evening, takes place in defiance of the injunction from
the Lord Chancellor, which was not applied for until the
remonstrance of the Publisher, at the earnest desire of the
noble Author, had failed in protecting that Drama from its
intrusion on the Stage, for which it was never intended."

This announcement had the effect of exciting public
expectation beyond its usual pitch upon such occasions. The
circumstances were somewhat new in the history of the Drama:
the question being, whether a published Flay could be
legally brought on the Stage without the consent, or rather
we should say, in defiance of the Author. "We are not aware
whether this question has been absolutely decided, but this
we do know, that the Piece was performed several nights, and
underwent all the puffing of the adventurous Manager, as
well as all the severity of the Critics. The newspapers of
the day were filled with histories and observations upon it.
No subject engrossed the conversation of the polite and
play-going part of the community but Lord Byron, The Doge of
Venice, and Mr. Elliston. They were all bepraised and
beplastered--exalted and debased--acquitted and condemned;
but it was generally allowed on all hands, that the printed
Tragedy contained many striking beauties, notwithstanding
its alleged resemblance to Venice Preserved. We are,
however, speaking of the acted Tragedy, and the magnanimous
Manager, who with such promptitude produced it in an altered
shape; and having already alluded to the theatrical puffing
so constantly resorted to upon all occasions, we shall drop
the curtain upon the subject, after merely remarking, that
the Times of the same day has been known to contain the
Manager's puff, declaring the piece to have been
received with rapturous applause, in direct opposition
to the Editor's critique, which as unequivocally pronounced
its complete failure!

~133~~will of its publisher, and the injunction{1} of the Lord
Chancellor, were attractions of no ordinary nature; and

1 Injunction--The word injunction implies a great deal, and
has in its sound so much of the terrific, as in many
instances to paralyze exertion on the part of the supposed
offending person or persons. It has been made the instrument
of artful, designing, and malicious persons, aided by
pettifogging or pretended attorneys, to obtain money for
themselves and clients by way of compromise; and in numerous
instances it is well known that fear has been construed into
actual guilt. Injunctions are become so common, that even
penny printsellers have lately issued threats, and promised
actual proceedings, against the venders of articles said to
be copies from their original drawings, and even carried it
so far as to withhold (kind souls!) the execution of their
promises, upon the payment of a 5L. from those who were
easily to be duped, having no inclination to encounter the
glorious uncertainty of the law, or no time to spare for
litigation. We have recently been furnished with a curious
case which occurred in Utopia, where it appears by our
informant, that the laws hold great similarity with our own.
A certain house of considerable respectability had imported
a large quantity of Welsh cheese, which were packed in
wooden boxes, and offered them for sale (a great rarity in
Eutopia) as double Gloucester.

It is said that two of a trade seldom agree; how far the
adage may apply to Eutopia, will be seen in the sequel. A
tradesman, residing in the next street, a short time after,
received an importation from Gloucester, of the favourite
double production of that place, packed in a similar way,
and (as was very natural for a tradesman to do, at least we
know it is so here,) the latter immediately began to vend
his cheese as the real Double Gloucester. This was an
offence beyond bearing. The High Court of Equity was moved,
similar we suppose to our High Court of Chancery, to
suppress the sale of the latter; but as no proof of
deception could be produced, it was not granted. This only
increased the flame already excited in the breasts of the
first importers; every effort was made use of to find a good
and sufficient excuse to petition the Court again, and at
length they found out one of the craft to swear, that as the
real Gloucester had been imported in boxes of a similar
shape, make, and wood, it was quite evident that the
possessor must have bought similar cheeses, and was imposing
on the public to their great disadvantage, notwithstanding
they could not find a similarity either of taste, smell, or
appearance. In the mean time the real Gloucester cheese
became a general favourite with the inhabit-ants of Utopia,
and upon this, though slender ground, the innocent tradesman
was served with a process, enjoining him not to do that,
which, poor man, he never intended to do; and besides if he
had, the people of that country were not such ignoramuses as
to be so deceived; it was merely to restrain him from
selling his own real double Gloucester as their Welsh
cheeses, purporting, as they did, to be double Gloucester,
or of mixing them together (than which nothing could be
further from his thoughts,) and charging him at the same
time with having sold his cheeses under their name. But the
most curious part of the business was, the real cheeseman
brought the investigation before the Court, cheeses in boxes
were produced, and evidence was brought forward, when, as
the charges alleged could not be substantiated, the
restraint was removed, and the three importers of Welsh
cheese hung their heads, and retired in dudgeon.

134~~the Hon. Tom availed himself of the circumstance to leave the Box,
though the truth was, there were other attractions of a more enlivening
cast in his view.

"Come," said he, "we shall have a better opportunity of seeing the
House, and its decorations, by getting nearer to the curtain; besides,
Ave shall have a bird's-eye view of the company in all quarters, from
the seat of the Gods to the Pit."

The influx of company, (it being the time of half-price), and the
rush and confusion which took place in all parts at this moment, were
indescribable. Jumping over boxes and obtaining seats by any means,
regardless of politeness or even of decorum--Bucks and Bloods warm
from the pleasures of the bottle--dashing Belles and flaming Beaux,
squabbling and almost fighting--rendered the amusements before the
curtain of a momentary interest, which appeared to obliterate the
recollection of what they had previously witnessed. In the mean time,
the Gods in the Gallery issued forth an abundant variety of discordant
sounds, from their elevated situation. Growling of bears, grunting of
hogs, braying of donkeys, gobbling of turkeys, hissing of geese,
the catcall, and the loud shrill whistle, were heard in one mingling
concatenation of excellent imitation and undistinguished variety: During
which, Tom led the way to the upper Boxes, where upon arriving, he
was evidently disappointed at not meeting the party who had been
seen occupying a seat on the left side of the House, besides having
sacrificed a front seat, to be now compelled to take one at the very
back part of a side Box, an exchange by no means advantageous for a view
of the performance. However, this was compensated in some degree by a
more extensive prospect round the House; and his eyes were seen moving
in all directions, without seeming to know where to fix, while Sparkle
and Bob were attracted by a fight in the Gallery, between a Soldier and
a Gentleman's Servant in livery, for some supposed ~135~~insult offered
to the companion of the latter, and which promised serious results
from the repeated vociferations of those around them, of "Throw 'em
over--throw 'em over;" while the gifts of the Gods were plentifully
showered down upon the inhabitants of the lower regions in the shape
of orange-peelings, apples, &c. The drawing up of the curtain however
seemed to have some little effect upon the audience, and in a moment the
Babel of tongues was changed into a pretty general cry of "Down--down
in the front--hats off--silence, &c. which at length subsided in every
quarter but the Gallery, where still some mutterings and murmurings were
at intervals to be heard.

"----one fiddle will
Produce a tiny flourish still."

Sparkle could neither see nor hear the performance--Tom was wholly
engaged in observing the company, and Bob alternately straining his neck
to get a view of the Stage, and then towards the noisy inhabitants of
the upper regions. "We dined at the Hummums," said a finicking little
Gentleman just below him--"Bill, and I, and Harry--drank claret like
fishes--Harry was half-sprung--fell out with a Parson about chopping
logic; you know Harry's father was a butcher, and used to chopping,
so it was all prime--the Parson would'n't be convinced, though Harry
knock'd down his argument with his knuckles on the table, almost hard
enough to split it--it was a bang-up lark--Harry got in a passion,
doff'd his toggery, and was going to show fight--so then the Parson
sneak'd off--Such a bit of gig.'"