Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

P >> Pierce Egan >> Real Life In London, Volumes I. and II.

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1 Crimp--Kidnappers, Trappers, or Procurers of men for the
Merchant Service; and the East-India company contract with
them for a supply of sailors to navigate their ships out and
home. These are for the most part Jews, who have made
advances to the sailors of money, clothes, victuals, and
lodgings, generally to a very small amount, taking care to
charge an enormous price for every article. The poor
fellows, by these means, are placed under a sort of
espionage, if not close confinement, till the ship is ready
to receive them; and then they are conducted on board at
Gravesend by the Crimp and his assistants, and a receipt
taken for them.

In this process there is nothing very reprehensible--the men
want births, and have no money--the Crimp keeps a lodging-
house, and wishes to be certain of his man: he therefore
takes him into the house, and after a very small supply of
cash, the grand do, is to persuade him to buy watches,
buckles, hats, and jackets, to be paid for on his receiving
his advance previous to sailing. By this means and the
introduction of grog, the most barefaced and unblushing
robberies have been committed.

With the same view of fleecing the unwary poor fellows, who

"... at sea earn their money like horses,
To squander it idly like asses on shore,"

they watch their arrival after the voyage, and advance small
sums of money upon their tickets, or perhaps buy them out
and out, getting rid at the same time of watches, jewellery,
and such stuff, at more than treble their real value. Not
only is this the case in London, but at all the out-ports it
is practised to a very great extent, particularly in war
time.

Happy would it be for poor Jack were this all; he is some-
times brought in indebted to the Crimp to a large nominal
amount, by what is called a long-shore attorney, or more
appropriately, a black shark, and thrown into jail!!! There
he lies until his body is wanted, and then the incarcerator
negociates with him for his liberty, to be permitted to
enter on board again.

~116~~eyes if he was not glad of it, and, with a sling of his arm,
deposited an enormous quid he had in his mouth directly in the chaps
of the Israelite, then joined the throng in pursuit; while the Jew,
endeavouring to call Stop thief, took more of the second-hand quid
than agreed with the delicacy of his stomach, and commenced a vomit,
ejaculating with woful lamentations, that he had lost his bag mit all
his propertish.

The old mackarel-woman, seeing her fish covered with brick-dust, set off
in pursuit of the limping donkey-driver, and catching him by the neck,
swore he should pay her for the fish, and brought him back to the scene
of action; but, in the mean time, the Street-keeper had seized
and carried off the basket with all its contents--misfortune upon
misfortune!

"D----n your ass, and you too," said the Fish-woman, "if you doesn't
pay me for my fish, I'll _quod_{1} you--that there's all vat I ar got to
say."

"Here's a bit of b----dy gammon--don't you see as how I am lost both
my ass and his cargo, and if you von't leave

1 Quod--A Jail--to quod a person is to send him to jail.

~117~~me alone, and give me my bags again, I'll sarve you out--there
now, that's all--bl----st me! fair play's a jewel--let go my hair,
and don't kick up no rows about it--see vhat a mob you're a making
here--can't you sell your mackarel ready sauced, and let me go ater
Neddy?"

"Vhat, you thinks you are a _flat-catching_,{1} do you, Limping
Billy--but eh, who has run away with my basket offish?"

"Ha, ha, ha," cried Limping Billy, bursting into a horse-laugh at the
additional distress of the old woman, in which he was joined by many of
the surrounding spectators; and which so enraged her, that she let go
her hold, and bursting through the crowd with an irresistible strength,
increased almost to the fury of madness by her additional loss, she ran
some paces distance in search of, not only her stock in trade, but
her shop, shop-board, and working-tools; while the donkey-driver
boisterously vociferated after her--"Here they are six a shilling, live
mackarel O."

This taunt of the brick-dust merchant was too much to be borne, and
brought her back again with a determination to chastise him, which she
did in a summary way, by knocking him backwards into the kennel. Billy
was not pleased at this unexpected salute, called her a drunken ----,
and endeavoured to get out of her way--"for," said he, "I know she is a
b----dy rum customer when she gets lushy."{2} At this moment, a sturdy
youth, about sixteen or seventeen years of age, was seen at a short
distance riding the runaway-ass back again. Billy perceiving this,
became a little more reconciled to his rough usage--swore he never would
strike a voman, so help him G----d, for that he was a man every inch of
him; and as for Mother Mapps, he'd be d----nd-if he vouldn't treat her
with all the pleasure of life; and now he had got his own ass, he vould
go along with her for to find her mackarel. Then shaking a cloud of
brick-dust from the dry parts of his apparel, with sundry portions of
mud from those parts which had most easily reached the kennel, he took
the bridle of his donkey, and bidding her come along, they toddled{3}
together to a gin-shop in Shoe Lane.

1 Flat-catching--Is an expression of very common use, and
seems almost to explain itself, being the act of taking
advantage of any person who appears ignorant and
unsuspicious.

2 Lushy--Drunk.

3 Toddle--To toddle is to walk slowly, either from
infirmity or choice--"Come, let us toddle," is a very
familiar phrase, signifying let us be going.

~118~~Desirous of seeing an end to this bit of gig--"Come along," said
Sparkle, "they'll all be in prime twig presently, and we shall have some
fun.

"I'm the boy for a bit of a bobbery,
Nabbing a lantern, or milling a pane;
A jolly good lark is not murder or robbery,
Let us be ready and nimble."

Hark, (said he) there's a fiddle-scraper in the house--here goes;" and
immediately they entered.

They had no occasion to repent of their movements; for in one corner
of the tap-room sat Billy Waters, a well-known character about town,
a Black Man with a wooden leg was fiddling to a Slaughterman from
Fleet-market, in wooden shoes, who, deck'd with all the paraphernalia of
his occupation, a greasy jacket and night-cap, an apron besmeared with
mud, blood, and grease, nearly an inch thick, and a leathern girdle,
from which was suspended a case to hold his knives, and his sleeves
tuck'd up as if he had but just left the slaughter-house, was dancing in
the centre to the infinite amusement of the company, which consisted of
an old woman with periwinkles and crabs for sale in a basket--a porter
with his knot upon the table--a dustman with his broad-flapped hat, and
his bell by his side--an Irish hodman--and two poor girls, who appeared
to be greatly taken with the black fiddler, whose head was decorated
with an oil-skinned cock'd hat, and a profusion of many coloured
feathers: on the other side of the room sat a young man of
shabby-genteel appearance, reading the newspaper with close attention,
and purring forth volumes of smoke. Limping Billy and Mother Mapps were
immediately known, and room was made for their accommodation, while the
fiddler's elbow and the slaughterman's wooden shoes were kept in motion.

_Max_{l} was the order of the day, and the _sluicery_{2} in good
request. Mother Mapps was made easy by being informed the Street-keeper
had her valuables in charge, which Limping Billy promised he would
redeem. "Bring us a

1 Max--A very common term for gin.

2 Sluicery--A gin-shop or public-house: so denominated from
the lower orders of society sluicing their throats as it
were with gin, and probably derived from the old song
entitled "The Christening of Little Joey," formerly sung
by Jemmy Dodd, of facetious memory.

"And when they had sluiced their gobs
With striving to excel wit,
The lads began to hang their nobs,*
And lip their frows** the velvet.***

* Nobs--Heads.

** Frows--Originally a Dutch word, meaning wives, or girls.

*** Velvet--The tongue.

~119~~noggin of _white tape_,{1} and fill me a pipe," said he--"d----n
my eyes, I knowed as how it vou'd be all right enough, I never gets in
no rows whatever without getting myself out again--come, _ould chap,{2}
vet your vistle, and tip it us rum--go it my kiddy, that are's just vat
I likes_."

"Vat's the reason I an't to have a pipe?" said Mother Mapps.

"Lord bless your heart," said the Donkey-driver, "if I did'nt forget
you, never trust me--here, Landlord, a pipe for this here Lady."

"Which way did the bull run?" said the Irishman.

"Bl----st me if I know," replied Limping Billy, "for I was a
looking out for my own ass--let's have the Sprig of Shelalah, _ould
Blackymoor_--come, tune up."

The old woman being supplied with a pipe, and the fiddler having rosined
his nerves with a glass of _blue ruin_{3} to it they went, some singing,
some whistling, and others drumming with their hands upon the table;
while Tom, Bob, and Sparkle, taking a seat at the other side of
the room, ordered a glass of brandy and water each, and enjoyed the
merriment of the scene before them, perhaps more than those actually
engaged in it. Bob was alive to every movement and every character, for
it was new, and truly interesting: and kept growing more so, for in a
few minutes Limping Billy and Mother Mapps joined the Slaughterman in
the dance, when nothing could be more grotesque and amusing. Their pipes
in their mouths--clapping of hands and snapping of fingers, formed a
curious accompaniment to the squeaking of the fiddle--the broad grin of
the Dustman, and the preposterous laugh of the

1 White Tape--Also a common term for gin, particularly among
the Ladies.

2 Ould Chap, or Ould Boy--Familiar terms of address among
flash lads, being a sort of contraction of old acquaintance,
or old friend.

3 Blue Ruin--Gin.

~120~~Irishman at the reelers in the centre, heightened the picture--more
gin--more music, and more tobacco, soon ad a visible effect upon the
party, and reeling became unavoidable. The young man reading the paper,
found it impossible to understand what he was perusing, and having
finished his pipe and his pint, made his exit, appearing to have no
relish for the entertainment, and perhaps heartily cursing both the
cause and the effect. Still, however, the party was not reduced in
number, for as one went out another came in.

This new customer was a young-looking man, bearing a large board on a
high pole, announcing the residence of a Bug-destroyer in the Strand.
His appearance was grotesque in the extreme, and could only be equalled
by the eccentricities of his manners and conversation. He was dressed
in a brown coat, close buttoned, over which he had a red camlet or stuff
surtout, apparently the off-cast of some theatrical performer, but with
a determination to appear fashionable; for

"Folks might as well be dead--nay buried too,
As not to dress and act as others do."

He wore mustachios, a pair of green spectacles, and his whole figure was
surmounted with a fur-cap. Taking a seat directly opposite our party
at the same table--"Bring me a pint," said he; and then deliberately
searching his pockets, he produced a short pipe and some tobacco, with
which he filled it--"You see," said he, "I am obliged to smoke according
to the Doctor's orders, for an asthma--so I always smokes three pipes a
day, that's my allowance; but I can eat more than any man in the room,
and can dance, sing, and act--nothing conies amiss to me, all the
players takes their characters from me."

After this introduction--"You are a clever fellow, I'll be bound for
it," said Dashall.

"O yes, I acts Richard the Third sometimes--sometimes Macbeth and
Tom Thumb. I have played before Mr. Kean: then I acted Richard the
Third--'Give me a horse! '--(starting into the middle of the room)--'no,
stop, not so--let me see, let me see, how is it?--ah, this is the
way--Give me a horse--Oh! Oh! Oh!--then you know I dies."--And down he
fell on the floor, which created a general roar of laughter; while
Billy Waters ~121~~struck up, "See the conquering Hero conies!" to the
inexpressible delight of all around him--their feet and hands all going
at the same time.

Mother Mapps dropp'd her pipe, and d----d the weed, it made her sick,
she said.

Limping Billy was also evidently in _queer-street_.

"Come," said Sparkle, "won't you have a drop more?"

"Thank ye, Sir," was the reply; and Sparkle, intent upon having his
gig out, ordered a fresh supply, which soon revived the fallen hero of
Bosworth-field, and Richard was himself again.

"Now," said he, "I'll sing you a song," and immediately commenced as
follows:--

"My name's Hookey Walker, I'm known very well,
In acting and eating I others excel;
The player-folks all take their patterns from me,
And a nice pattern too!--Don't you see? don't you see?
Oh! [_glancing at his fingers_] It will do--it will do.

At Chippenham born, I was left quite forlorn,
When my father was dead and my mother was gone;
So I came up to London, a nice little he,
And a nice pattern too!--Don't you see? don't you see?
Oh! it will do--it will do.

A courting I went to a girl in our court,
She laugh'd at my figure, and made me her sport;
I was cut to the soul,--so said I on my knee,
I'm a victim of love!--Don't you see? don't you see?
Oh! it won't do--it won't do.

Now all day I march to and fro in the street,
And a candle sometimes on my journey I eat;
So I'll set you a pattern, if you'll but agree,
And a nice pattern too! you shall see--you shall see.
Oh! it will do--it will do."

This Song, which he declared was all _made out of his own head_, was
sung with grotesque action and ridiculous grimace, intended no doubt in
imitation of Mr. Wilkinson in his inimitable performance of this strange
piece of whimsicality. The dancing party was knock'd up and were lobbing
their _lollys_,{1} half asleep and half awake, on the table, bowing as
it were to the magnanimous influence

1 Lobbing their lollys--Laying their heads.

~122~~of _Old Tom_.{1} The Dustman and the Irishman laugh'd heartily;
and Das hall, Tallyho, and Sparkle, could not resist the impulse
to risibility when they contemplated the group before them. The
Bug-destroyer _munched_{2} a candle and _sluiced_{3} his greasy
_chops_{4} with _Jacky_{5} almost as fast as they could supply him
with it, when Sparkle perceiving the boy was still at the door with the
runaway ass,

"Come," said he, "we'll start 'em off home in high style--here, you Mr.
Bugman, can you ride?"

"Ride, aye to be sure I can, any of Mr. Astley's horses as well as the
Champion of England,"{6} was the reply.

1 Old Tom--It is customary in public-houses and gin-shops
in London and its vicinity to exhibit a cask inscribed with
large letters--OLD TOM, intended to indicate the best gin in
the house.

2 Munched--Eat.

3 Sluiced--Washed. See Sluicery.

4 Chops--The mouth.

5 Jacky--A vulgar term for gin.

6 Any person would almost suspect that Hookey had been
reading the newspapers by this allusion; but that certainly
could not be the case, for, spurning all education in early
life, this representative of the immortal bard--this
character of characters from Shakespeare, could neither read
nor write, but made all he acted, as he said, from his own
head: however, it may fairly be presumed, that in the course
of his travels during the day he had heard something of the
Champion intended to appear at the approaching Coronation,
of whom the following account has recently been circulated
through the daily press, and, with his usual consistency,
conceived his own innate abilities equal to those which
might be acquired by Mr. Dymocke, though his claims were not
equally honourable or advantageous.

Mr. Dymocke, the nephew of the gentleman (who is a
Clergyman) entitled by hereditary right to do the service of
the Champion to his Majesty, is still in hopes he may be
permitted to act under his Uncle's nomination, although he
wants a few months of being of age. A petition is before the
King on the subject; and Mr. Dymocke, by constant practice
at Astley's Hiding-school, is endeavouring to qualify
himself for the due fulfilment of the office. On Thursday
lie went through his exercise in a heavy suit of armour with
great celerity. The horse which will be rode by the Champion
has been selected from Mr. Astley's troop. It is a fine
animal, pieballed black and white, and is regularly
exercised in the part he will have to perform.

"Walk in--walk in, Ladies and Gentlemen, just going to begin--come, Mr.
Merryman, all ready--Ladies and Gentlemen, please to observe, this here
horse is not that there horse."

"So we laugh at John Bull a little."

~123~~"Come, then," continued Sparkle, "another glass--half-a-crown to
ride to the bottom of the lane and up Holboru-hill on that donkey at the
door, and you shall be our Champion."

"A bargain--a bargain," said the assumed Hookey Walker, rubbing the
tallow from his _gills_.{1}

"Here goes then," said Sparkle; then slipping half-a-crown into the
boy's hand, desiring him to run as far as the Traveller-office, in
Fleet-street, and get him a newspaper, promising to take care of his
ass till his return. The lad nibbled the bait, and was off in a _pig's
whisper_{2} Sparkle called to Tom and Bob, and putting them up to
his scheme, Hookey was quickly mounted, while Dashall and his Cousin,
assisted by the Hibernian and Dust-ho, succeeded in getting Mother Mapps
out, who was placed in the front of the Champion, astride, with her face
towards him and Limping Billy, who though _beat to a stand still_,{3}
was after some difficulty lifted up behind. Hookey was then supplied
with his board, the pole of which he placed on his foot, in the manner
of a spear or lance. Then giving the Irishman and the Dustman some
silver, to act as Supporters or Esquires, one on each side, they
proceeded along Shoe-lane, preceded by Billy Waters flourishing his
wooden-leg and feathers, and fiddling as he went--the Irishman roaring
out with Stentorian lungs,

"Sure won't you hear
What roaring cheer
Was spread at Paddy's wedding O,
And how so gay
They spent the day,
From the churching to the bedding O.
First book in hand came Father Quipes,
With the Bride's dadda, the Bailey O,
While all the way to church the pipes
Struck up a jilt so gaily O.

"_Kim ap_--be after sitting fast in the front there, old Mapps, or
you'll make a mud-lark of yourself." The Dustman rang his bell; and thus
accompanied with an immense assemblage of boys, girls, men, women, and

1 Gills--The mouth.

2 Pig's Whisper--A very common term for speed.

3 Beat to a dead stand still--Means completely unable to
assist himself.

~124~~children, collected from all the courts and alleys in the
neighbourhood, joining in a chorus of shouts that rent the air, poor
Balaam continued to bear his load; while our party, after watching them
till nearly out of sight, passed down Harp-alley into Fleet-market," and
turning to the right, very soon regained Fleet-Street, laughing heartily
at the bull's cookery of mackarel buttered with brick-dust, and very
well satisfied with their spree.

Engaged in conversation upon this adventure, they found nothing of
interest' or amusement to attract their notice till they arrived at the
warehouse of the London Genuine Tea Company, except merely remarking the
grand appearance of St. Paul's, from that situation.

"Genuine tea" said Bob; "what can that mean--Is tea any thing but tea?"

"To be sure it is," said Sparkle, "or has been--_any_thing but tea,"{l}
strongly marking the latter part of the

1 Tea and Coffee--The adulteration of articles of human food
is a practice of the most nefarious description, and cannot
be too strongly deprecated, although it has been carried to
an alarming extent. There is scarcely an article of ordinary
consumption but has been unlawfully adulterated, and in many
cases rendered injurious by the infamous and fraudulent
practice of interested persons. Bread, which is considered
to be the staff of life, and beer and ale the universal
beverage of the people of this country, are known to be
frequently mixed with drugs of the most pernicious quality.
Gin, that favourite and heart-inspiring cordial of the lower
orders of society, that it may have the grip, or the
appearance of being particularly strong, is frequently
adulterated with the decoction of long pepper, or a small
quantity of aqua-fortis, a deadly poison. Sugar has been
known to be mixed with sand; and tobacco, for the public-
houses, undergoes a process for making it strong and
intoxicating; but the recent discovery of the nefarious
practice of adulterating tea and coffee, articles of the
most universal and extensive consumption, deserves
particular reprehension.

Tea has been adulterated by the introduction of dried sloe
leaves; the practice is not very new, but its extensive
adoption, and the deleterious properties ascribed to them by
physicians, have been, at length, successfully exposed by
the conviction of many of the venders, so, it is hoped, as
to prevent a repetition of the crime. The sloe leaf, though
a spurious commodity when sold as tea, might afford a
harmless vegetable infusion, and be recommended to the poor
and frugal as a cheap succedaneum for the Chinese vegetable.
The establishment of the Genuine Tea Company on Ludgate-hill
originated in the recent discoveries, promising to sell
nothing but the Unadulterated Tea, and it is sincerely to be
hoped has done some good.

~125~~sentence as he spoke it: "horse-beans have been converted to
coffee, and sloe-leaves have been transformed into tea; hog's lard has
been manufactured for butter; an ingenious gentleman wishes to persuade
us _Periwinkles_{1} are young Lobsters; and another has proposed to
extract sugar, and some say brandy, out of pea-shells! London is the
mart for inventions and discoveries of all kinds, and every one of its
inhabitants appears to have studied something of the art of Legerdemain,
to catch the eye and deceive the senses."

"Wonderful!" exclaimed Bob.

"Not more wonderful than true," continued Sparkle; "invention is always
on the stretch in London. Here we have cast-iron Bridges{2}--a cast-iron
Sugar-house--

1 Sparkle appears to have been rather sceptical on the
subject of Periwinkles being young Lobsters, though the
opinion is not very new. A gentleman, whose indefatigable
research appears to be deserving of encouragement and
support, has recently issued the following advertisement,
inviting the curious and the learned to inspect the result
of his discoveries, which seems, at least, to warrant
something more than conjecture.

"J. Cleghorne having in his possession some specimens which
prove, in his opinion, a circumstance before suggested, but
treated by the scientific as a vulgar error, any known
naturalist willing to view them, by noticing by letter,
within a week, may have J. C. attend with his specimens. The
subject is a curious change in the formation of Lobsters
from various species of the Winkle, the Winkle being
considered the larva;.

The only advantage J. C. desires from the communication is,
the credit of advancing his proofs, and the stimulating
further enquiry.--A line addressed to J. Cleghorne,
Architectural Engraver, No. 19, Chapman-street, Black-road,
Islington, will have immediate attention."

It is sincerely to be hoped that proper notice will be taken
of this advertisement, for in times of general scarcity like
the present, such a discovery might be turned to great
national advantage, by the establishment of proper depots
for the cultivation of lobsters, as we have preserves for
game, &c.

2 Cast-iron has become an object of general utility. The
Southwark or New London Bridge consists of three arches, the
centre of which is a span of 240 feet, and the other two 210
feet each; the Vauxhall Bridge consists of nine arches, over
a width of 809 feet; and it is a fact, that a Sugar-house is
building with cast-iron floors, window-frames, and rafters,
to prevent fire. Cast-iron holds fire and resists fire; but
it is probable that all its properties and powers are not
yet discovered, and that we may some day or other witness
the ascension of a cast-iron balloon inflated with steam!